Have you ever found yourself desperately trying to find the right words after you ejaculate long before your partner? Perhaps you’ve tried a version of this popular get-out-of-jail-free card:
“You’re just so damn sexy, I can’t help myself!”
And if not, the alternative may well have been the rather unimpressive:
Communicating effectively with your partner is essential when dealing with sexual issues like premature ejaculation.
There’s definitely a wrong way, with those two examples being high up the list of unhelpful things to say. But is there a right way of talking about something so difficult?
It’s a difficult question to answer, but an important one to at least consider. So in this article I’m going to talk from my experience about what I think is the best approach.
Reasons why you should talk about it
I think there are several good reasons to talk to your partner about premature ejaculation. And any other sexual issue for that matter.
- Stress and anxiety can make things worse. Getting it out in the open will reduce the stress.
- You can find out exactly what she needs and likes. You might be surprised to discover that you can still do a lot of it. Most women would be very happy if you suggested more foreplay, manual or oral stimulation.
- Some techniques for dealing with premature ejaculation need her consent and willingness to help.
- She will respect your honesty, openness and bravery in talking about it.
- It shows her that you respect her and care about her sexual satisfaction. The fact that you’re telling her you know there’s a problem, and want to fix it, will help stop her from becoming disinterested in sex.
Perhaps not every woman will respond in the same way to your frankness. But the majority will respond positively, and so you can only benefit from talking about it.
When should you talk about it?
Really you should start talking about it is as soon as possible, though you do need to pick the right time. If you’re in a long-term relationship, or even just with someone you’ve been seeing for a short while, then you should know by now when is a good time to talk.
It’s up to you to make a judgement call on that one. But my suggestion is to pick the same time you would talk about any serious, personal or intimate matter.
If you’re single and dating, then things are perhaps trickier. Fortunately this is something I’ve had some experience with and so can offer good advice.
When you meet someone new
Ok, so you’ve met someone new and you know that things are about to get passionate. How do you approach the topic without making her run a mile? As I see it, you essentially have two options.
Option one is to just go for it, and pray that you last longer this time, and then deal with any disappointment later. If you don’t have the most severe premature ejaculation and sometimes last a couple of minutes, then this might be a reasonable option.
At least you can then both have a natural experience without killing the passion. And who knows, maybe you will last longer with this particular person.
Option two is definitely advisable if you have severe premature ejaculation, or are just worried about your performance generally. The idea is to talk about it in advance, but at the right moment.
While you’re still on a date isn’t the right moment. Neither is before you’ve even had that first steamy kiss and uncontrollable hands experience that you know with certainty is only heading in one direction. You need to be sure that sex is on the cards.
So what do you say?
The exact choice of words depends on who you are, who she is, what kind of relationship/connection you have, and what you’ve found that helps you last longer. I can tell you what I said, but I don’t think this is a time for stock one-liners. You need to be genuine, be yourself, and just talk about it.
However, there’s one key thing which in my opinion will make whatever you say sound considerably better. In my case it went a little like this:
“…it’s something I’m working on, and if you’re willing to go with a few suggestions I have, we’ll have an amazing time…”
The thing is, by the time I got round to first talking about it, I had started doing some serious research (as you are now, I hope). And I had a lot of good ideas about what would make things better.
This gave both me and her confidence. I don’t think it’s helpful to tell a woman you aren’t great in bed, and just leave it at that. What’s she supposed to do with that information?
If you have ideas of things you can do, then you can retain the image of a confident guy, who knows himself and what he needs. At the end of the day, most women still want the guy to take control in the bedroom. So even if your control comes with a bit of unexpected drama, at least it’s still control.
And most women will be willing to try your suggestions to ensure you both have the best experience. It doesn’t matter whether it’s wearing a condom, using a delay spray, avoiding certain positions or having orgasms first through foreplay and leaving sex until later.
If your suggestions still involve intimacy, fun, excitement and pleasure, there’s no reason why she shouldn’t take your lead.
Firstly, don’t forget to listen to what she says too. It may be that she has some ideas of ways to help you relax. It may be that she has ideas of things you can do that don’t involve sex, but she still loves. As well as having your own suggestions, it’s important to listen to hers, and keep that dialogue open.
And fortunately there are plenty of things you can do to improve your sex life, with the examples above being just the tip of the iceberg. Have a look around this site for more tips, but I also recommend taking a look at some of our recommended premature ejaculation products.
There are some excellent premature ejaculation books which contain everything from quick tips to natural exercises to learn ejaculation control. And there are of course temporary solutions such as delay sprays which can help you straight away.