Do you have problems getting an erection when you’re with a new partner? And no matter how much you’re attracted to them, it just doesn’t spring to life?
This started happening to me a couple of years ago (when I first wrote this article
What happens
Every time I got with a new partner, I couldn’t get an erection the first time we tried to have sex.
Everything always seems to go fine at first. Usually, I take someone on a couple of dates at least before we end up back at my place or hers.
I feel mentally and physically aroused as the passion
I don’t feel like I’m particularly stressed or anxious to start with. But then when this happens, I definitely do get stressed.
Fortunately, the saving grace is that if we spend the night together, I’m absolutely fine in the morning. And while that’s good to know, I’d prefer it if the first night was as passionate as we both hoped.
My first coping mechanism
I soon developed a coping mechanism to deal with the inevitable awkward moment when she realizes it’s not going on. I accepted that it might happen, and decided the best thing to do is to talk about it openly in advance.
By ‘in advance’ I don’t mean over cocktails
Taking responsibility for it
I realized it was important to take responsibility for the issue: if I don’t, then she might. And that’s unfair to her.
I spoke to two partners about it, who both admitted in virtually the same words that they assumed they just didn’t turn me on. And even when I told them it always happens, I could tell they were still doubtful.
It’s not exactly ideal to tell someone about all the times it’s happened though. No woman wants to hear about your previous partners on your first night.
But you still somehow need to convince her it’s just a ‘thing’ that happens, and it will pass. It’s a tricky one.
What caused it?
I used to have a serious problem with premature ejaculation. So I first wondered if by learning to last longer through relaxation, I’d gone the other way and become too relaxed.
But I think the real explanation lies in anxiety, and probably in relation to my body. I had testicular cancer several years ago (I’m 7 years all clear now!) and it’s ever since then that I’ve had these erection problems.
The treatment I had left me with some physical, and emotional, scars. And although women tell me that scars are sexy, I think they usually mean from motorbike accidents.
So I think deep down I’m still anxious about their reaction.
Add to that the fact that I’ve had to deal with premature ejaculation for years, I think it’s natural to have developed an anxiety problem.
Even though I don’t feel anxious on the surface, I do know I’m a born worrier, and that I’ve just learned to mask my anxiety with a well-trained sense of confidence.
First attempts at dealing with it
For me, a key step was to work on my anxiety. And that involved a combination of learning to accept my body now, worrying less about ‘performing’ on the
If you’re reading this and have similar issues, my advice to you is this: talk about it openly and with confidence. Take responsibility for it, but in a positive, upbeat ‘shit happens’ kind of way. And don’t let her get all self-doubting and think it’s her fault.
After that, a bit of internal self-work might be needed, either alone or with some professional help.
Anxiety may or may not be the root cause. But either way, I think it’s important to say the right things – both to yourself and your partner.
1 year later: a potential solution
I spent a lot of time thinking about this issue. It helped to read the many comments below from readers with a similar problem. I listened to their stories and theories and tried to come up with a solution.
And finally, a year later, I had some success. I managed to get an erection the first night with the last 2 women I slept with, and also pretty much when I wanted to.
The secret – I thought – was to boost my testosterone levels so much that it balanced out the anxiety, nerves or whatever else is going on psychologically.
Basically, I did a lot of research into erectile dysfunction and discovered a common suggestion is that it’s sometimes due to low testosterone levels. So I duly decided to do everything within my power to boost it.
Here’s what I did:
- Stopped smoking.
- Started doing lots of work on my legs in the gym, particularly dead-lifts and similar exercises for the thighs, which apparently help with testosterone production.
- Stopped drinking protein shakes (apparently they can lower testosterone!)
- Worked hard to improve my sleep pattern and get a regular 8 hours.
- Started on a testosterone boosting diet.
- Started taking L-Arginine supplements.
Within 2 weeks I noticed that even during self-pleasure I was getting harder erections, particularly on the days I really focused on my legs in the gym.
Other than the gym work, I thought I noticed an effect from the L-Arginine supplements.
I’d read some research that found L-Arginine can help with erectile dysfunction because it boosts blood circulation to the penis (more recent medical advice suggests it may not be so effective though).
I also think my serious health and fitness regime helped increase my blood circulation and on a psychological front my confidence. So it looks like I hit the problem from a few different angles.
Trying Viagra in 2016
Since the last update, I had the same problem again. I think perhaps it was because I totally fell for someone, and I really wanted to things to go well, resulting in the old anxiety resurfacing.
So I decided to give Viagra a go, and it was very effective. I won’t be using it on an ongoing basis, as I’d like to try to manage the problem naturally, and it gave me headaches. However, it was interesting to try and a good confidence boost.
If it’s something you’re also interested in, you might find my Viagra review helpful.
2017 update
Since the last time I wrote, I didn’t try Viagra again. However, I did a lot of research into the issue of erectile dysfunction.
Interestingly, I experimented this year with not watching any porn for a month. And I’m sure it had a positive effect on how easily I get turned on in the presence of women. So it might be worth a try if you have a similar issue.
I also put a lot of thought into the annoying issue of condoms making your erection soft.
2018 update
This continued to be an issue for me from time to time. I now think it’s a blood flow problem, combined with initial nerves sometimes.
I tested a range of different treatments in 2018, and all the ones that are supposed to work by increasing blood flow did the trick for me.
That includes both brand drugs like Viagra, generic sildenafil and herbal remedies that affect your circulation.
This might also explain why stopping smoking and losing some weight while getting much fitter helped – not just because it boosted testosterone.
A penis pump helps
I also tested a penis vacuum pump, and that worked very well. But it’s not my first choice when I’m with a new partner – I think it’s more acceptable with an established partner.
So for me, my current way of dealing with it is to work on the psychological points, continue being healthy in general, and have a backup pill at the ready.
2019 update
I’ve been with a stable partner for a while now. So I don’t know if this original problem would still exist for me – nor do I want to find out!
But I thought it would help to share that I don’t have a serious problem with erectile dysfunction currently. Sure, I have good days and bad days where hardness is concerned. But on the whole, it doesn’t affect my relationship enough to be a major issue.
So if you’re worried about the future because of a similar problem to me, stay positive!
Your views
If you also experience this issue, what do you find
Sup, I had this exact thing last night whilst trying to have sex with a new girl for the first time, annoyingly though, a couple hours before this I was rock solid and then some good oral made my cum. And then after that, like you said it only got to like 75%, not hard enough to get it in really. I also suffer from PE, and nothing I try seems to help, so I guess it’s anxiety related about not wanting to let the girl down with poor performance, especially as I really like this girl. It could also be down to the fact I haven’t slept with anyone in about 2 years, hopefully next time will have a better outcome.
Hi Simon
Thanks for your comment. It could well be that the combination of nerves for it being the first time in ages and the worry about PE caused the problem. Hopefully the next time will be better, as you say. And also hopefully you found something useful on this site for the PE.
Regards
Ethan
Hi,
Great article. I was looking for it. It happened with me last time and I was worried something wrong with me. Its been 4 years when I got married but our relationship isn’t in a good place. We more like a sex partners and thats it.
Last night I just go out in a club, bump into a amazing, kind, beautiful girl which I can’t describe in words. Well we ended up on bed but I got soft there and it was shocking experience since I never get soft with my wife for at least 45 min. Well we ended up trying and tired. She was so tired she got sleep in few minutes. I just decided to get back home.
My wife was waiting for me because it was weekend and she was looking for me. The shocking part is I didn’t get soft this time and had fully participate.
I was confused maybe my brain didn’t liked her or maybe I’m doing wrong because I’m already married. But I bump into this article.
I hope it helps since and she don’t remember much what happened. I like this girl very much and she was an amazing personality.
Any other advice please tell me.
Thanks
Hi Noyes
Thanks for your comment. There have been a few previous readers in a similar situation to you who have also left comments describing their experience. If you haven’t already read their comments and my responses, then I recommend you do. You might find it helpful to find out what other guys have to say about the same kind of problem.
But personally I think it may be the combination of nerves, anxiety and feeling guilty. I might be wrong, but to me that’s the most logical conclusion to draw.
Regards
Ethan
I’m glad I’ve found this article. Here’s my story.
I’m 39 years old and always had this issue. I tried to live with the problem by having long relationships. That way I wouldn’t have to deal with it but I was mistaken.
Then I blamed condoms since I hate using them and was wrong again.
I was going from one relation to the next thinking that was the solution and it wasn’t.
Lately i’ve been doing some research and reading about it and came to the conclusion that I suffer from anxiety, fear and insecurity. When I’m in bed with a new girl I’m thinking damn this will happen again and it does. I start playing with her and my tool wouldn’t go up.
I feel my feet and hands sweaty and it feels like all my blood is running through my feet and hands. Then I read that this is a response of the body called something like “fight or run”
When you get in a situation where you have to fight or you know you need to get away all the blood is sent there for a better performance. Hence decreasing your blood flow where you need it the most. Your pennis.
My other issue is my size. I watched a lot of porn and this guy’s are from another planet and I feel small. I would say I’m normal. But in the back of my head I’m thinking that she is thinking I’m small….
Then is the need of her feeling desire for me. Somehow I need to feel like I’m all she wants.
Obviously I have some issues in my head and when it happens I feel real bad.
That being said I thought of a few things that might help. Like
* having a few drinks right before the act.
* before you get in the sheets try to connect with this girl by being funny, not a clown but funny enough to make her smile a lot. If she’s not showing you that she really wants you don’t go to bed with her. Is better to deal with the problem before it happens.
* tell her that you really like her and that you like to build intimacy the first night. Lots of kissing, foreplay, oral to her, etc. Tell her that you’re not just some guy. You want to take your time and go step by step. Sex will come when the time is right. This way you don’t have the pressure of having to perform and believe me that the less pressure you have the better.
* if the your tool wouldn’t go up, laugh about it don’t you ever show her anger. Laugh like “this is nothing”. Make some jokes.
* I also think that once you gain her trust and she is comfortable with you and the issue arise, talking to her and explain that you got nervous and anxious is a good way to smooth the edge.
* try to exercise before going to a date or go out. After you take a shower you’ll feel relaxed.
* avoid sugar, coffe and things that make you hyper on that night.
* try to please her orally and then see what happens. That way at least she would be satisfied before the issue.
* viagra.
* make sure you’re in a place where you feel comfortable and not thinking that something can happen like being in a car. The less worries in your mind the better.
These are things that can help you in that moment but they won’t fix the real issue. Which is at least in my case, fear.
Since I need to feel connected with the girls I had very few one night stands.
Stress is also a contributor to this so know that if you’ve got fired on a Friday that night might not be a good one.
Thanks for starting this topic. Wish you all the best of luck.
Hi Luciano
Thank you for your comment and for taking the time to share your ideas about what might help. Some of these ideas are good I think, such as doing exercise beforehand to relax and get rid of some stress. I’ve never thought about that before, but I can see it helping. And also making sure you’re in a place you’re comfortable. Having said that though, I’ve had this problem in my own bed, which is pretty much where I feel most comfortable! So it’s not a major factor for me. In fact, being in an exciting place like a car might help because of the extra thrill factor maybe – at least for some guys.
But I think the main thing is taking it slowly, spending lots of time on foreplay, and just dealing with it calmly and openly. That’s probably the best thing if you actually arrive at the moment of getting intimate and realise that it’s happening again.
All the best
Ethan
i have the same problem
all my x girl friends loved sex with me and i see my self very good during sex
but the last 3 girls i met my dick didn’t go up the 1st day
and i feel shame and want to leave the house and go home
lucky me there were understanding and took it easy
this start bothering me
but from my experience it is all about being comfort with the new partner its all mental
Hi Mike,
Absolutely correct! I think from all the comments and anecdotal reports from readers, it’s pretty clear it’s a mental comfort thing.
Ethan
Great article Ethan!
I am 40 and having great sex with my wife regularly. My problem started when i got close to one of my old friend (Some two yeaes back) and i coulndnt get an erection even after trying hard. I got worried and tried with a prostitute and three other women, same result. I get great erections and amazing sex with my wife but not with any other woman. What could be wrong here?
Though I have stopped having sex outside but still that thought haunts me.
Any thoughts?
Dave
Hi Dave
I’m glad you liked the article.
To be honest, I think the facts speak for themselves in your case. As much as you might enjoy the idea of having sex with other women, some part of your brain clearly isn’t comfortable with the idea. If I were in your position, I’d focus on the amazing sex with my wife and use the problem with erections as a reminder to myself to avoid the temptation to look elsewhere! Changing the thought into a reminder rather than a fear might be healthier in the long run.
Regards
Ethan
I have an idea !!
Well I have the same situation guys , and its terrible …
But there is something weird… Because i dont have this problem when im about to bang my ex-girlfriend …. (Not sure if bang is the right word, im latin american) we used to be in love but after time everything ends… But sometimes we go out and stuff … So we get horny and it happens… Im hard !!! No sleepy dick :) … Its awesome like three or four times the same night …. (I dont love her) …
Well when i am about to be with other girl , things are way different … Im nervous scared and anxious … So everything go to hell :( …although Some times i can do it after i get to know better this girl cause i fell more comfortable and i can do it …
My idea was to love someone again …. Because when you build that confidence with someone its possible that you wont have this erection problem over and over … And you will enjoy sex again…. I guess that we, anxious people, are not made for casual sex ….
Just my opinion have a good day people… Greetings from Colombia
Hi Andres
Thanks for your comment. Yes, you can use the word bang! It’s a very casual word, but guys use it a lot. I think you’re right in that being with someone you know well makes things much easier. And yes, casual sex for guys like us is perhaps just not meant to be. At least, perhaps not one-night stands unless she’s willing to stick around until the morning, when many of us seem to be able to have sex again.
I think that being in a relationship, loving someone as you say, is probably the best way for us to forget about the problem. However, there are some guys – myself included – who like the idea of being able to have sex with people when we’re single. And so the hunt for the solution continues!
Regards
Ethan
p.s. I’ve been to Colombia, and had an amazing time!
Hey Ethan,
So great you posted this. Obviously it is an issue that many of us men deal with and feel some degree of shame around because of all the social messages we get about sexuality and performance. I’m a therapist and have had similar issues. But this isn’t something that normally ‘arises’ (sorry) in school or training.
Even I start to think about what may be physiologically wrong or what’s wrong with me that I don’t get hard.
For me it is usually on the first encounter with someone and can persist for several encounters or dates with that person until I’ve become comfortable and trust and feel good about our connection. I’m a pretty emotionally oriented guy and I’m very relationship oriented as opposed to just looking for a hook up.
Given what I know from my training and from my experience and the words from so many other men here with similar challenges, I have to agree it’s about anxiety and perhaps some inner conflicts or mixed motivations. For me, I think it helps to check in with what I’m really feeling about this person, what I might be ignoring that could be at least partly contributing to the ED, and what things I might be less conscious of but that are values, needs, concerns, misgivings, and things like that. I’ve found at times that if I “care” less about the person or am less emotionally motivated and just more physically and sexually motivated, I can often perform a little better, (but not always.) This means to me that when I care and like someone I’m more concerned about them liking, accepting and wanting me, so there’s way more on the line and… whether I’m feeling it consciously or not, there’s way more concern in me, on some level, that can contribute to erectile frustrations.
I agree with the ideas about owning it confidently, even as we may be nervous about being ashamed or rejected, giving ourselves a break about it (one person’s comment “&@*! It if it happens…lol.”) And I’d add, ” It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me, in fact, Hey, I’m a pretty $%&£ing good guy that I’m concerned and care about this woman and I have some feelings about all this! I’ve got depth and substance! I’m a great catch.” Because in fact, long term we are better suited to be a better partner to someone if we care about them too! And that is partly why this is happening… We care and have feelings about it! We are REAL human beings, not just a facade of a man who can just perform sexually and not have any feelings about it. So we are, by the nature of this issue, obviously a great catch because it likely means we are invested and care.
And lastly, I think its great to be able to express and talk about this with other men, remove the stigma, experience solidarity and regain our confidence in ourselves and our right to be who we are, and to be accepting of ourselves and say to ourselves, “if she doesn’t get it and isn’t understanding and caring/supportive after I’ve explained it and owned it, then maybe she isn’t the right kind of woman for me.” And I’m saying all this as much for me as for anyone else. Thanks for this Ethan.
Hi there,
Thank you so much for your very eloquent and excellent comment. It’s the perfect summary of the general view which has arisen during the on-going discussion among readers here. I couldn’t have put it better myself, and it’s really nice to see what I’ve grown to think about this issue through my personal battle with it and reading the many previous comments re-phrased in a way which makes so much sense.
I really like the part about how the issue itself is a sign of the fact that we’re a good catch because we care. I think having that attitude will go a long way in helping own the problem and weather the storm of the first night or two.
Thanks once again and all the best
Ethan
I’m very, very surprised to have found this article. I’ve had the exact same issue, including the part where it only happens after we sleep together on the same bed and then do it in the morning.
At the time it happens, there is absolutely NOTHING that would make it hard, we even tried her giving me oral, no. It’s devastating for the self-confidence; the first time it happened I just wanted to run and hide, out of shame, but she told me to stay. Luckily this happened with two very sweet, and understanding girls who were willing to overlook past it, and whom I went on to have a relationship with.
I’m single now and haven’t had sex with other people since these episodes, and now I’m frightened to go out with another girl for fear that that it might happen again. Thank you for the advice, and I might just try to be open with them and let them know it’ll happen.
Hi Jim
Thanks for your comment. I’m glad you found the article helpful. It’s amazing how many guys have the exact same pattern. When I first wrote the article I had absolutely no idea that it was such a common problem, and that so many guys would experience it in such a similar way.
I can understand your fear, but it’s something you have to find a way to relax about. The reader’s comment previous to this one I think is very interesting – have a read of that!
Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about whether to tell a woman in advance that it’s going to happen. And I think it depends a lot on how long I’v been seeing her. If we’ve been going out for a long time, and messed about but not had sex, then maybe I’d talk about it up-front.
But if I’ve just met someone and things are moving pretty quickly, I think I’d prefer to not say anything unless it does actually happen. I think it’s a positive step to go into each encounter with the mindset that ‘it’s not going to happen this time, but if it does, it doesn’t matter and we’ll just talk about it’. That’s my personal belief about it. I think if you open up conversation about it too early, it can perhaps kill the passion a little and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, try to relax and stay confident and positive, with the backup plan in the back of your mind to discuss it, rather than that being your starting point.
Regards
Ethan
Hi Ethan
Great you started the topic. My first time encounter was at age 17 with my first girlfriend MDK. Being an African I heard myths, friend saying MDK’s ex boyfriend had bewitched her with magical herb to make sure she doesn’t betray him. I later understood the cause to have been a long time of her denying me to date her in the beginning and finally giving me after almost a year of me begging her to date me. The problem slowly faded away after a few months. About 5 years later half the girls I dated it was ok and the other half I would only have problems for the first maybe second night also including my wife that I married at my age 22. I am still with my wife for 13 years now and yes I had bumped probably 30 other girls in between. What I realised was that if we use a condom my joystick just goes to sleep and I had many embarrassments in the beginning. I later developed a plan to get tested with my side-chick, date her permanently while using no protection until we breakup. The past 8 years I had almost no problems both with my wife and about 7 different side chicks. Today I have sex with my wife about once or twice in 2 weeks and then maybe 5 or 6 a week with the current side chick, quickie in the car back seat, quick one at her place before I get home after work and sometimes if i sleepover we do maybe 2 or 3 intensive rounds.. This week I now encounter erection loss with my wife and it just goes from 100% to like zero everyone we kids or touch. It’s over 8 years I almost forgot about the problem. I’m now feeling so small I tell my side-chick I can’t see her with of coz fear of embarrassment if this problem happens with her also. I watched porn and thought I got this but when I touched my wife it just went flat like a deflated balloon. It is now a third night of embarrassment and I only finger her only to deflate my supposed to be 6.5 incher. And believe me it seems to perish to a smaller and softer than its normal flat mode. I still love my wife and she is saying I must go to doctor but I want to first figure out if my side-chick will give me a good one but one again fear the possible embarrassment. I am not comfortable talking about especially my wife will probably strangle the life out of my body if she finds out about my side chick.
Hi there
Thanks for your comment. Your situation seems a little more complex than the problem I initially wrote about, and which many guys get. Whilst it seems you also initially has problems with erections on first nights etc, your particular problem now seems more complex. I would recommend you do some research about ED, or erectile dysfunction online as there are many great resources which might be able to shed some light on your problem.
My thoughts though are that your problem is a mental one. You say you love your wife, and I don’t doubt that. But it’s clear that you needed to find extra sexual satisfaction outside of your marriage. And perhaps over time that has slowly developed to the point where now you can’t find any satisfaction with your wife. It’s not my place to judge, or to tell you what to do, but I can’t help think that perhaps the problem would go away if you decided on, and stuck with just one woman. Maybe the whole secretive aspect and worries about being caught has caught up with you, and now the problem is a mental one. Just an idea!
Regards
Ethan
Ive had this problem in the past, during a one night stand. Like a lot of people say here, in the morning, I was fine.
Then it happened again, when I first slept with my ex girlfriend, and it contiuned for about a month. In that month it was all I thought about, I even lost about a stone in weight and was terrified of trying to have sex with her.
It resolved itself of course, and it really clicked in my mind that it was totally mental, and that you have to find a way to remove that pressure off yourslef.
I say to myself, “@*&% it, if it happens, i’ll not stress out, i’ll stay calm, concentrate on all the sexy things that’s about to happen” instead of my previous mindset of “Holy $%&*, get @%$&ing hard!, what the hell is wrong with me?” haha
It has happened since, but I managed to push through and eventually get an erection after a short while.
The key thing in my mind is, not to freak out if it does happen, because there’s no returning from that most times.
Hi juandeag
Thanks for your comment. I couldn’t agree more with everything you’ve suggested. I also believe it’s a predominantly mental problem, and that staying calm is the key. I also really like your idea of switching your focus away from your erection issue to imagining all the great things which are about to happen.
The more I think about it now, the more I think that might be one of the simplest, but best bits of advice I’ve seen in this thread.
Perhaps by learning to visualize having sex and enjoying it, and completely taking the mind of the penis, we might be able to relax and naturally get an erection.
Thanks very much for that! When I next update this article, I’ll include that idea in the main piece.
Regards
Ethan
I’m 27 years old I came to the USA 6 years ago, the first time it happened to me I was 16 after that I didn’t have any issues until last year, I was with my ex for the past 4 years and I think I get so used to be with her that when I have a new girl I get nervous and i can’t get hard today I was with a beautiful Brazilian girl she looks like a porn start, I couldn’t have sex with her! Fml this is the third time in a row that I can’t have sexual encounter with a new partner the first time, I think it is a psychological problem I just need some advices, I don’t want this to keep happening anymore, I feel like crap right now I can believe I just missed having sex with this chick! she could’ve been the most beautiful girl I’ve ever had.
Hi William
Thanks for your comment, and I can completely empathize! I also once missed out on having sex with a very beautiful woman because of this problem and sadly she didn’t have the kind of personality that meant she stuck around. But to be honest, if she’s not willing to work with me on the problem and give me a couple of says to relax, then I’m not interested in claiming the trophy memory of sleeping with someone beautiful!
And to be honest, I think that’s an important attitude to have in the journey towards learning to relax again with a woman. I don’t have a lot more advice for you beyond what it already here in the article I’m afraid. Though I would suggest reading all the comments as there’s lots of good stuff there.
Again, try not to worry about it and remind yourself that only the ones who are willing to stick around and work through the initial nerves with you are the ones who are really worth spending time with anyway. Be honest with the woman and just give it time.
Regards
Ethan
Ethan,
I have a very open relationship with my mother. And i once asked her for porn, and she was calm about the question. Seeing as I’m gonna go throughout high school. Do you think i should talk to my mom about the Fleshlight, just so when it comes to real sex I’ll already be ( mostly) prepared
Hiyah
Well, probably she’s not going to buy you one, so I wouldn’t bother if I were you! Anyway, I think that they are great to use, but aren’t really essential if you’re young. So I wouldn’t stress about it, and save her the potential awkwardness of dealing with that question.
Regards
Ethan
I am a women. Anxiety is how this sounds to me. For me.. Propranolol 20 mgs an hour or two before should do the trick for you. Used for stage fright. People may feel mentally fine but body has a way of just kicking itself in the butt. Can go to 45 mgs if that does not work and on an as need basis. Oddly long term side effects of this drug is the soft issue you are having… does not hurt my libido at all.. lets me enjoy it actually. It is blood pressure medicine, family doctor can prescribe so long as you don’t have low blood pressure. Is used for PTSD too. Google it.
Hi Mary
Thanks for your comment. Yes, anxiety seems to be the main problem many of us are having, whether we really feel it or not. I’m not sure about taking a med like that, though I can understand that certain medication might help with the nerves. My personal opinion is that it would be better to find a way to naturally deal with the anxiety. Even if it is easier said than done!
Thanks for the advice and thoughts though.
Regards
Ethan
The same thing happened yesterday for the first time. Man, I felt terrible. I was so ashamed, I could not even look into her eyes.
She was calming me down and I still felt so bad.
It was my first time with a lady after several years! I still can’t believe this, I’m always so hard as a rock!
But I feel so much better now after reading some of the comments. I will read all of them when I get home. I just wanted to share this.
Is there a name for this? There should be!
Hi Sam
Thanks for your comment. Yes, I know it’s embarrassing when it happens, especially the first time. Hopefully the article and comments will give you some ideas for dealing with it. Maybe it was just a one-off though!
In terms of a name, I guess it would come under the term erectile dysfunction. But I’m not sure if there’s a name for the specific problem of it only happening at the beginning of being with someone.
All the best
Ethan
I believe the term is pre-coital anxiety but I’m not sure
Hi Nick
It might come under that name, but maybe we were looking for something more specific.
Ethan
Hi there,
Well im a 25 year old lad who’s been having a few issues the last couple of years. I was in a relationship since about 16 to 21 maybe. Things at the time didn’t end great and some hurtful things were said, being if you could last longer, get it up blah blah blah. Although we are on good terms again and some times sleep together rarely, everything works fine and sex is great and no worries and its all good. No it’s not that I love, I do wanna be with other girls but when it comes to being with anyone else my mind won’t stop thinking about it being over so fast and then my head shuts it down and can’t get it up. Even when I try to not think about it and sometimes I forget til Mid with a girl and it doesnt work and its so embarrassing for me. I have almost been avoiding talking to or trying to get with any girl because I know it will happen again and I dont know what to do. i’ve been texting this girl and now she wants to meet up and already my head is trying to make excuses to get out of it. I wanna meet this girl but don’t wanna be a disappointment when it comes to it. Sometimes I Think i’m gonna be single and lonely forever because I cant even talk to girls. Sorry for the long mail but at this stage I just need to get some opinions. I really think its a problem that started with a fear of pe that has lead to Ed. Thanks in advance.
Hi Con
Thanks for your comment and I’m sorry to hear like me and many previous readers you’ve been having trouble with this. I think that in my case I also had PE first and then the ED randomly joined the mix. And it also sounds like anxiety is playing a massive role in your case too, like it does with so many guys.
I guess if you’ve thread through the comments, you’ll have gotten the general theme which seems to be the importance of trying not to worry about it too much, talking openly about it to your new partners, and letting them know you’re confident about the problem and that it won’t last forever.
My advice would be with this new girl to go for it, but take things nice and slow. Take her on a few dates, get to the kissing stage etc, but give yourself some time to feel relaxed and comfortable with her. Hopefully then either it won’t happen, or if it does you’ll feel like you can talk to her about it.
Stay strong, don’t stress about it (I know it’s easier said than done!) and remember that if she’s not willing to stick around to see what happens between you, then she’s not worth it anyway.
Regards
Ethan
I’m having the same problem. Actually, laugh about it. Laugh about it and say that you are just too nervous because you like her so much. What can you do, break down and cry?
What kinda helped was just taking her straight the way you want, be selfish. Sounds bad, I understand. But if you will like it, she’ll like it too. You get hungry from eating, don’t you xD
And anyway, it’s just the first couple times right. You can concentrate more on her having fun as well.
I have this problem with women I really like always. With girls I don’t like (sounds odd eh) I have it less. Because I am more selfish. Some of my friends have it too.
What helps as well, is, yeah, viagra. I took it for a year and i was like Superman. Right. You can get the pills very cheap in latin America, the copied ones, not the original.
I started realizing a sudden hearing loss in one ear. I thought it came from a fever. My hearing got better, but never returned the same. I basically am half death on one ear now. I felt something was going on in my ear while taking the viagra. I wasn’t all sure though.
I am not taking these pills ever again. I had a lot of women and it feels nice to have sex right. But really, you only got one pair of ears, ain’t worth it. Normally the sex does not turn out as good as one might wish anyways. There are a lot of components until the sex is really really great, and most components come or don’t come with your partner.
It’s still tempting to take more pills, I still got a load, but hey, I’ve had it. Especially combined with alcohol, and yeah, aspirin the next day, it very well is a bad mixture for your ears since aspirin makes your blood flow easier and viagra/sildenafil as well.
I even read it can make you turn blind. Latest studies showed. Hell no man.
Last advice: when getting it on, do it with a loaded gun. Don’t meet a girl and get it going having fapped 3 times the day before. It is harder. Nofap for a couple days. Always have a loaded gun, that simple.
Hi Brad
Thanks for your comment, and sorry to hear about your hearing loss! I guess that just shows how risky it can be getting pills of which you can’t totally trust the origins or ingredients.
I think you’re right about the loaded gun potentially being helpful – good tip!
Regards
Ethan
It is very reassuring to know that that I am not alone in this. I’m 33 and I’ve been struggling with this since my first time when I was 16.
For me the issue is be too much inside my head, I have the tendency to over think everything, it is very hard for me to be completely in the moment. But this starts to fade once I get some intimacy with the other person, I just came out a 9 years relationship and in the beginning was the anxiety drama, but after a few years it was insta-erection at any time. I’ve been single for the past 3 months and it has been frustrating because right now I just want to have sex, I don’t want to build some sort of intimacy just to have a fun night.
Thanks for sharing your experience and promoting this space, it really puts this issue under a new light for me.
Hi Bruno
Thanks for your comment and I’m glad you found the article helpful. To be honest, I’ve probably benefited from it more than anyone else because every time there is a new comment it reminds me that I’m not alone and gets me thinking about it more positively again:-)
I can empathize with your point about not wanting anything serious, but knowing that it’s difficult without building some trust and confidence with the woman first. And we don’t always have the desire to do that. Perhaps you just need to put yourself out there, raise your bar and find someone who really pushes your buttons all the right way. If you get that feeling with someone, maybe you won’t have the issue. You never know!
Regards
Ethan
Hey I’ve been experiencing the same fking problem for years… Ever since i had my first sexual experience.. yesterday it happened once again.. Ive learned to keep calm when it happens just look relaxed and say its something normal on you and its only at the beginning.. She will understand .. And if she doesn’t just let her go my friends.. Its not worth it.. Ive been dying to go to a doctor and find out more about this embarrassing issue but that’s gonna cost me to do an appointment and all that.. But i’m pretty sure there’s got to be some sore of medication that will help your brain realise more hormones that get you turned on.. I’m hispanic so this is a real big deal for me.. It usually takes me a couple of times to get it going .. So i dont worry that much now.. Ive learned to accept it and live with it… God bless you all brothers ..
Hi Xavi
Thanks for your comment. I think you’re absolutely right in a couple of things you say. Accepting it is important as is trying to stay relaxed and just explain that it’s normal at the beginning. After that, you’re also right in that if the woman doesn’t understand, then she’s probably not worth it – at least not for us guys who perhaps need someone a little more understanding.
There will me meds which can help, stuff like viagra etc. But personally I’m content for now just to keep on explaining it away and enjoying the times when it doesn’t happen!
Regards
Ethan
Please help me! Am 25 and engaged. For some time now I can’t get an erection, sometimes not hard enough I don’t know what to do.
Hi there
Sorry to hear you’re having on-going problems. My advice would be to either talk to your doctor, or to do a search online for ‘erectile dysfunction’. At the moment, this website is more concerned with premature ejaculation, though this article is an exception. I think you can find more substantial advice on sites which deal specifically with erectile dysfunction.
Good luck!
Ethan
Hi I’ve had the ” first time problem” most of my life as well. It always went away when in a long term relationship. I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost ten years with no problem but now it’s back. We don’t have that much Sex due to our hectic lifestyle, so I do resort to masturbating with ( and without) porn very often. (I resort to allsorts of porn even Gay porn even tho I’m straight). Could my ed comeback be porn induced? If so what do I do? I only have this in the evenings tho. In the morning I’ve got the most amazing erections and am super horny. Evenings i struggle to get turned on and when we kiss I don’t feel much partly cause now I’m focusing too much on my Penis. We had a tough year relationship wise as well so not sure if that has an effect or if I’m just bored having Sex with the same woman. I used to be able to get it up with her anytime within seconds. Last time we tried I got 50%hard and when I tried putting it in I already wanted to ejaculate. I’ve never had p.e. But it seems that’s a new worry now on top of things. I’m getting pretty desperate…
Hi Dave
Thanks for your comment. It sounds like it could be a combination of different things. I guess the way to find out about the porn would be to stop watching it for a couple of weeks and see if it makes a difference.
I guess you could always try spicing things up a little as well if you’re getting bored of the sex. Maybe talk to your partner and see if she’s feeling the strain of so many years of being just with you. There is so much you can do to throw a little life back into a sex life, and often both partners are thinking the same thing when it’s been years.
All the best
Ethan
Yea, well I’ve had this problem I think possibly always. I also agree that I don’t think I feel anxious or nervous. I also typically have no problem with someone I’ve been with a while . It’s basically the first or first few times. I’ve come to accept it, but wish I could find a solution. Thanks for writing the article and it’s nice to see all the comments.
Hi Joey
Thanks for the comment, and I’m glad you found it useful. You may not feel like you’re anxious, but maybe you are at some subconscious level. I also don’t feel particularly nervous or anxious, but it still happens.
For me as well, the fact that sometimes having a couple of alcoholic drinks seems to help, makes me think that perhaps it’s because it’s taking the edge of some nerves. Either than or increasing blood flow…
Regards
Ethan
I can totally sympathize with all of you…I have been with my wife for 15 years, and been a sexual being for 31 years (I am 50 now). If we can assign a “turn on” percentage, my wife would be a 60-70%, but the sex is very good (I would like if it were more adventurous, but it’s fine). With her, I maintain an erection with no problems about 95% of the time because I am comfortable with her. I have (long story) sought sexual partners outside my marriage for a long time, and find that no matter how HOT these other girls are, I have erection issues almost every first time we attempt sex. It happened the other day with the hottest little Asian girl on the planet (I give her a 95 on the turn on scale)…she was very nice about it, and we are going to see each other in a few days. I have concerns, of course, but know that it’s all a matter of nerves and anxiety, and will get better and better as time goes on. I just took a sexual stimulant to experiment, and it is making me feel a bit jumpy – hard to even type this comment because of the fidgety feeling – so I am not sure if I should try using it when I see her. Anyway…to all my fellow guys out there…I think (and I did this with my sexy girlfriend) you should just be truthful and be affectionate…assure her it will get better, and that she is the sexiest woman on the planet.
Best of luck to all of you.
Hi Mike,
Thank you for your comment. You’re right about it helping by being truthful I think. Without wanting to sounds judgmental, as what you do is your own business of course, but have you wondered if the erection problem in your particular situations may be exacerbated by any conscious or unconscious feelings of guilt of naughtiness about what you’re getting up to?
Regards
Ethan
Ethan,
First of all thank you very much for posting this article and continuing to offer advice to all the men that have been tragically impacted by this embarrassing issue!
I too struggle with getting an erection on the first try with a new partner. I think you’re correct regarding the roots of this problem being purely psychological. It is true, as someone else in this thread stated, that it becomes a vicious cycle of having anxiety on the night of the encounter because hoping desperately that it won’t occur is probably more likely to ensure it happens again!
I do disagree with your thinking on the guilt issue causing the problem for Sympathetic Mike.
You see, the first time this issue ever surfaced for me was with my second ever sexual partner when I was about 19 and was having a sexual encounter with a girl on a first date. I was horrified to realize that despite my lust and complete desire to get it on, it just wouldn’t work! Much like you, the problem went away the next morning when we tried again.
I’ve since had this issue with every woman I’ve tried to have intercourse with since this occasion. It invariably disappears altogether after obtaining a comfort level with them.
I’m now in a LTR, and without getting into too much detail, it’s not a happy one and I too have started looking for encounters outside of the relationship. Please don’t judge me. Anyways, each time I’ve tried to to the deed it hasn’t worked! (Twice) I know it’s not a guilt issue because as mentioned before I’ve had the problem in the past.
I don’t know what the solution to this problem is, but I suspect you’re correct in your assessment that we’re just not made for one night stands no matter how badly I feel like I want it, my little head just says no. Very frustrating!!!
Oh forgot to mention something interesting.
As mentioned my first issue happened with my second sexual partner. In a bizarre twist, a few sexual encounters later, my first partner and I rekindled our relationship.
Guess what happened when we tried to become intimate? Yep, didn’t work. Even though we had had countless sexual encounters together during our first time together it wouldn’t work? Figure that one out. You would think it would have been fine given our history together but no!!
I’m curious if anyone else had issues with a sexual encounter with a previous partner too?
That is interesting. I’m not sure what it means though…maybe before your first sexual experience you had no real expectations and your hormones did the work for you. After you’d experienced sex, perhaps you started thinking, consciously or unconsciously about your performance. And that was still an issue with your old partner when she came a long again. Again, who knows!
Ethan
Hi there
Thank for your comment and for joining the discussion. Fair enough about my idea about the guilt. It was just a suggestion really, and your personal story does show that it might not always be the case.
Yes, unfortunately it might just be something we have to deal with in terms of not being able to have one night stands. Maybe we need to go on several dates first, with no more than kissing etc for a while, and then finally having sex when we’ve reached that comfort level.
Interestingly though I didn’t have this problem for a number of years. And although I didn’t have one night stands, I did have sex with several women the first night we met. It’s just that we then went on to see each other again.
My problem is a developed one, and I sometimes wonder if it developed after I started criticizing myself due to problems with my lasting time. If that makes sense. That leads me to think that perhaps another reason some guys have this is because we’re just a bit more ‘aware’ of what is required of us in the bedroom. Who knows…just another idea! In your case, do you think you were an ‘aware’ 19 year old, or was it more likely nerves etc?
Anyway, I hope either your relationship works out, or that you find a way to move on and look for someone you can be happy with. Whatever the case, I wish you all the best with this problem and the other!
Regards
Ethan
Hi everyone,
Thought I would share my experience as I’ve been struggling with this for a few weeks now and have finally decided to do something about it.
I am 23 and have had numerous partners through my life and a number of long term girlfriends. In the majority of cases I have been able to get it up (maybe not as hard as normal) but once I’m inside them everything seems to be pretty good. Once or twice, I haven’t been able to get it up and it seems to really affect me as its a real confidence knocker and I find myself worrying about it during the day etc and it gives me some real anxiety. However, the bigger problem is that I had an experience where after I had sex with someone for the first time I often find it hard to sleep! It’s one of the worst things because it puts me in a little insomnia cycle for a little while and then I worry about sleeping with them again or I avoid sleeping with people. Does anyone else have this? It makes me feel like I can’t start new relationships or casually see people sometimes. In some cases i’ve been worried about it but have had sex and its been fine and i’ve been able to sleep. When i’m able to sleep once I seem to be all good for the future, but its a very annoying concern to have on my mind. Any advice out there? Also I tend to struggle to get it up the first time if I have to use a condom, generally i’ve slept with people I know well and haven’t used them on the first time (I know this sounds bad) so I do get worried about using them the first time.
Anyway, just sharing my experience! Would be great of someone could relate or give some advice.
Hi Ben
Thanks for the comment, and interestingly I also have the sleeping problem sometimes. But to be honest, I’ve just accepted it as part and parcel of the excitement of being with a new partner. Maybe try having a cool shower before trying to go to sleep…it might help a bit. Otherwise, you could try some relaxation / meditation exercises in bed to try and calm your heart rate and thought process.
In terms of not getting it up with a condom – I think many guys have that problem. It’s almost like it’s a ‘final challenge’ to be overcome. I guess it’s again going to be solved by both time with someone and also being honest about it.
Regards
Ethan
Yesterday I had my first sex with with a woman that’s way older than me, I’m 20 she’s 36 :p, it was pretty awesome at first until I realized that my dick doesn’t wanna get up, I was so upset and embarrased and whenever I would think about getting it up it just wouldn’t come up, after it became slightly hard she gave me a little oral then I penetrated her, after about 5 mins I was already done, lol
question: is there anything I could do to maintain the erection for longer? What techniques can I use that will prevent something like this from happening again? Because I don’t wanna ejaculate in 5 mins
Hi Michael
Thanks for your comment. First of all, 5 minutes is actually within the average time a guy lasts for during penetrative sex, so that’s one good thing. You know your lasting time isn’t as severe a problem as it could be.
I think sometimes when you have problems maintaining an erection, the time that you spend playing around, and stimulating manually and orally, can increase your arousal level so much, that when you finally do have sex, it’s over quite fast.
It might be that like many guys here, if you get over this problem on the second time you see her, or the next morning, then you’ll probably find your lasting time increases anyway due to the lack of foreplay in contrast.
But if it does continue to be a problem, and you still feel you have a problem with your lasting time, then there’s plenty of advice here on this site. Juts go to the homepage, check out the options I talk about and go from there.
Regards
Ethan
I am a girl and this question of why can’t guys get it fully up the first time crossed my mind and I found this article. I’ve pretty much come across guys like this but it’s always resolved after one night of it not fully working. I say don’t worry about it guys if the girls cool she’ll understand. It was actually very interesting reading this from a guys perspective. This obviously doesn’t work for the guys who just want to have one night stands but save the pretend one night stands for porn and you’ll be better off anyway. Less chance for stds etc..
Hi Sarah
Thank your for your comment, and your words of encouragement! That’s exactly the kind of thing that guys who have this issue need to hear, so it’s very much appreciated you taking the time to say this. And I completely agree with everything you say!
All the best
Ethan
I’ve had similar issues, I also think that this has to do with anxiety. “Performance anxiety” they call it. Once you’ve become comfortable and confident with yourself, you’ll be able to maintain an erection. Just really concentrate on your partner and not on yourself or physical flaws you may think you have.
-Joe
Hi Joe
Thanks for your comment, and yes, sexual performance anxiety is a tough beast to tame! I think being comfortable and confident in yourself are key things, but getting to that point is the tricky part!
I do think though that your advice about concentrating on your partner is good. Especially if you manage to satisfy them manually or orally, then it will help take the pressure off you.
Regards
Ethan
Hi ethan, i have a crush on a girl called phoebe reeves and i cant stop looking at her. quite pretty with HUGE boobs and a great personality. however i think she likes me (i know she does) but i can struggle to get erections and i am nervous??? any advice?
Hi Tom,
Thanks for your comment. Do you struggle to get erections with girls, when alone, or both? It might be completely different if you find things actually happening with this girl.
Otherwise, all the advice I have at the moment is in the article and the comments. Have a read through, as really it’s a psychological battle more than anything possibly. And that’s something you can find ideas about in the comments. There is no magic wand I’m afraid apart from things like viagra!
All the best
Ethan
I have had this problem my whole life starting with my second women when 20. For me the more I like the women the more likely I am to have a problem. When I met my wife I had this problem intermittently for a month or two until I felt very comfortable and then never had a problem for 10 years. However last year my wife (soon to be ex) and I started to have serious marital trouble that broke our bonds and one way that manifested itself was I was no longer able to get an erection with her. This was extremely stressful because at the time it seemed like sex would be a way to reconnect and save our marriage, but my inability to do it only made things worse.
I am now separated and ready to move on, but I am terribly afraid of having this problem with women now that I start to re-date. And of course I know being so worried about is the worst thing, but that there will be no way for it not to be on my mind and thus sabotage things. I think the advise of taking time and communicating is good.
But right now I am in a unique situation which complicates that. This wonderful women I have been communicating with is in town for a week (visiting a friend). We have had a few dates and it seems like there is a good chance for us to have sex, but I am so afraid and lacking confidence. I feel like this is a one time chance for us to establish something, which of course puts more pressure on. Worse her friend is my colleague’s wife, and there is the fear of that getting back to office. I want to have that confidence which women respond to and try to establish a relationship or at least have a memorable night with a beautiful woman. But it is hard to be confident and try to swing for a home run when you feel you can’t back up what you propose.
Hi Steve
Thanks for your comment, and believe me, I totally understand your fear! I’ve had the same situation personally, where I’m with someone and have this horrible feeling that I’ve only got one shot at somehow ‘selling’ myself sexually and making her want to come back. It’s the worst kind of pressure for guys like us, and ironically a natural pressure to put on ourselves, because in an annoying way there is often some truth to it! At least with some women.
But I think that’s a key point to try to remember – only some women will be so lacking in understanding that they won’t stick around to see if what you tell them about it improving is true. And my personal belief is that if they aren’t willing to give you time, then you shouldn’t give them any more of your time either. Think about it the other way around? If a woman had some kind of issue which prevented you from having sex on the first night, but only kissing and cuddling etc, would you break off contact, or give her the benefit of the doubt? I think it takes a special kind of selfish, shallow idiot to break off contact! And in my experience, there aren’t as many of those around as we might have been led to think…
So, really my advice comes back to communication. And also doing anything possible to relax yourself on that special night. Have a couple of drinks, but not too much…it’s a fine line to walk! Set the scene so that you naturally have to spend lots of time in a relaxing yet sensual atmosphere….build up to it so that when the moment comes, hopefully you’re relaxed and raring to go!
And perhaps most importantly, remember that this issue doesn’t define whether you are a real man or not! The way you choose to deal with it is:-)
Regards
Ethan
Yo, this is HUGE to hear. The whole first time thing happens to me all the time. And I respond terribly to pressure. The worst thing is, I kinda have an ego so sometimes I put the pressure on myself. I’ll say “I got you, TRUST ME, don’t worry about it.” Or like “this is ridiculous, not gonna happen the next time, just watch.” And I would be super hard throughout the whole time before we actually do it, and sometimes, throughout foreplay. But then, when the moment arrives, my dick falls asleep. It’s as if it loses all connection with my mind. And I believe it has a lot to do with her (the girl’s) focus. If she’s expecting it and ready, it’s like my dick shies away. But if she’s half asleep, and we’re just lying there, I become ready to go and might wake her up so we could do it (it’s awful haha). Regardless, there are worst problems to have. And I suspect meditation and elevated comfort with your partner could work toward fixing the problem. I’m 21 years old and I’m living with it now. I appreciate all these posts a lot.
Hi Jacob
Thanks for your comment, and I can fully emphasize with you. As I’m sure can all the other readers. I think you’re right about pressure, and I’ve also found that sometimes when we’re lying there, and I’ve given up trying, it suddenly happens and I can get going. And that’s why I’m sure that nerves and anxiety are such a big factor. It’s also a good reason to somehow engineer the first time being in a situation where you both feel able to and comfortable to lie together in bed for a few hours after the failed attempt to get it up!
All the best
Ethan
I am 20 yrs old and just recently had my first time. It was with a female I have only been talking to for like a month and wasn’t planned. We had talked about it some previously but the night had originally been planned for hangin out. It was also the first time I had seen her outside work and we drank slightly. She has been with a couple partners and I knew this going into it and I feel I put the pressure on myself to try and perform up to the others standards. Looking back at the situation the circumstances probably couldn’t have been worse for a first time.
I tried foreplay for probably close to 45 min hoping during it I would be able to become erect. I never got past half so I just used my fingers to get her off so she came away pleased with it all, it seemed, however I couldn’t stay hard enough to stay penetrated for more than a few pumps and it was embarrassing. We cuddled for most of the night afterwards then I tried again during the evening and I was able to maintain an erection slightly longer (maybe 5 min?) Even during this my erection was less than 75%.
The next day we spoke about it and she said if it continues she doesn’t know if she can keep wanting to try sex (which I can understand) and she is willing to try more (or atleast says). So she seems understanding of the situation I put myself in and willing to work on it but if it doesn’t get “fixed” or “better” she will more than likely lose interest. I haven’t had this problem in the past I’ve actually had the exact opposite, I can’t stay down but now since this incident (Early sat morning) I can’t even get a full erection.
I’m worried if we try again and the same thing happens that might be it. I could simply go with fingering again since that was enough to stimulate her the first time or maybe even try oral however eventually she will want to return the favor for me or want the real thing. Now that I got my first time (sorta I guess?) out of the way with both her and anyone is there anything that you can think of that might help any future attempts?
Hi there,
Thanks for your comment, and I’m really sorry to hear that like me and many other readers you’ve had this very stressful issue – especially on your first time. Hopefully, if you’re like me and many others, the problem will naturally resolve the next time you try as you should hopefully feel less stressed. The main thing is to try (I know it’s difficult) to not think it will happen again, and do anything you can to help yourself relax in the build up to seeing her again. Even a couple of drinks might help. And of course tell her that it’s not her! That’s really important that she doesn’t feel that she doesn’t turn you on enough. But at the same time, it’s a careful balancing act with not seeming ‘weak’ and apologetic which may also turn her off. To be honest that’s an art I am still trying to master myself!
I think trying oral is probably a very good idea. And if she does return it, then that might also get you going. Just try to relax when she does, and don’t try to ‘force’ yourself to get an erection. Just lie back, enjoy the moment and wait for it to hopefully happen!
All the best
Ethan
Hey guys… ive been having the same problem…well ever since I became sexually active. I was injured as a 13 yr old and lost a ball.. when I lost my virginity at 21 I had this problem it was horrible made me really down.. then after a while it was all fine..when I told them about my injury and every girl since theybe been like so what give it here..ha which is always reassuring but with my latest girlfriend im 35 ive had some issues.. I think it all comes down to overthinking the situation..as soon as my mind comes off the present moment thats it I can feel it going soft..my head feels all hot my mouth goes dry and I feel embarrassed. Plus the girl usually thinks its her and for a a guy who plays in rock bands to be all sorry is a turn off for the chick..yet this is strange as if I have any one night stands where im (apologies for my crassness) up for a quickie I get no issues..my las girlfriend I had no issue..then the latest girl who is beautiful..I cant get a constant erection and its not firm..I know its all in my head and it seems to be to do with making sure shes pleasured and being comfortable with her.. im abstaining from masturbation and I know a few supplments that help like tribulus, daa, arginine that could help as im a reg gym member. Used in the past they make me damn horny so maybe just getting those feelings will break the psychological barrier so to speak.. just knowong im not alone has helped too.. we all think too much..our pre frontals are overruling our primal brain with anxiety.. good luck everyone..Mikey Oneball :-)
Hi Mikey
Thanks for your comment, and you’re definitely not alone my friend…
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with your analysis of why it happens, and also the insecurities it brings up, both in us and women. In some ways I think that’s even worse than the initial problem…which is possibly another reason why once it starts happening, our minds go into over-drive with stress, and they also start wondering if it’s them, what happened to the strong guy they were enjoying moments before etc etc
Try not to get too stressed by it all generally though. I know that’s easier said than done. But at the end of the day, if a woman is worth being with, she will understand, trust you when you tell her it won’t stay that way, and hang around long enough to enjoy you as you are.
Interesting idea about the supplements – I’d be very interested to hear back from you if you find it helps!
Regards
Ethan
It seems im not the only one. Im 43 and the first time it happened was when i was 18. It seemed the more attracted to her the first or even a second time i could not stay erect ,but I’ve learned to. Talk about it and explain its nerves and anxiety that’s the problem,and would not be a problem after we tried a few times ,Ive lost a lot of girls that just thought it was them. However I still deal with it even after having sex for 6 yrs with my girlfriend we broke up and now the same thing all over .Its just a matter of connecting that feeling with a new partner.
Hi Jim,
Thanks for your comment, and I think you’ve highlighted the key point which I firmly believe in – talking about it is the key. And of course, doing so in a way which reassures the girl it’s not their fault. I also now tell girls it’s not my fault either – it’s just the way it is, and there is no need to look for or identify fault. I like that because it stops them feeling bad, and also stops you from looking like you feel sorry for yourself! I just say it with as much confidence as possible, and trust that they will accept that and stick around long enough to find out how good we might be together.
Regards
Ethan
or maybe it might be the pressure of “I want you to get hard this instant” when I can’t get an erection on the spot right now even if I tried. Sorry for all of the additional comments, these thoughts just keep coming to me after the fact.
Wow!
It has taken me forever to find people with the same issue. Before becoming sexually active I knew premature ejaculation was an issue for many people. So i read into it and I saw some exercises that would stop premature ejaculation and to say the least it worked great (I now last anywhere between one hour to three).
I am a 19 year old African American Male, who is decently attractive. I am in college and these females are wild! I am horny a lot and have desire to have sex with these females. But this problem is haunting me. I think it is more of a comfort thing because last year I tried having sex with a female I was familiar with. It went bad. We stayed friends and got decently close and maybe a month ago I was horny and she was playing with me like she was a pornstar and I ended up having sex with her for hours.
My main issue has been my penis size, even though many many females have actually complimented me on a larger than average penis (roughly 6 1/2 inches). I feel that If I had one more inch, I would be invincible. But I have somewhat come to terms with this issue and it hasn’t plagued me recently.
I masturbate often though, maybe once a day. I think that may be an issue too because I may have a false image of what sex is supposed to be. The weird thing is that I am great in bed, have a more than average penis size, and have had a handful of partners. I don’t understand why when I hook up with someone I recently met, we mess around and all that is left is to insert, and I look down and my penis looks like a cocktail shrimp and no matter what means I try to get at least enough blood in there to get my tip into her vagina, nothing works (I have had this problem and in one instance been able to get my head inside and once i felt her walls my penis flourish to full size). I will say subconsciously I do get nervous that this problem will happen because it has over 5 times, so my heart rate tends to increase and as I try to play with myself to get enough of an erection to insert, I see no increase in size.
I simply want a solution, may it be counseling to medications. I have the potential to have many many one night stands, which I desire to experience, but every time I feel that I can, my penis says otherwise. I am desperate for solution as I am in college and females are throwing their vagina my way, but I can’t seem to do the deed.
If ANYONE has solved this issue, PLEASE let me know because this is the only thing that is affecting me and with this out of the way I can focus on other more important things.
Scott
Also I guess my greatest fear is of their reaction when they realize my penis is the size of their pinky still when we have gone through various stages of foreplay.
No worries about the extra comments! Well, it definitely sounds to me like the same ‘pressure’ thoughts I know I’ve had. In which case, my previous advice still stands!
Hi Scott,
Thanks for your comment, and I can understand your frustration very well. In fact, I’ve been having a problem with it again recently! But, my answer has become a matter of acceptance of the problem and that I get nervous, telling the woman that it’s just the way I am and that the next day I’ll be good to go. Now, if you’re wanting to have wild one-night stands, that probably doesn’t work very well as a technique! But me personally, I tend to be attracted to women I think I will spend a longer time with. And so I’m not worried about having to perform for ‘one night only’. My hope continues to be that either I will find the love of my life, and never need to worry about this again, or that my continuing to accept the problem, at some point it will stop.
I guess if it is underlying nerves, which has long been my suspicion, then counseling might help. But also, working generally on your overall emotional well-being could be equally beneficial. That might involve doing some kind of self-help stuff like meditation, yoga or mindfulness for example. Though there are other ways you can look into. And of course there are pills you could try which are aimed to help guys with impotence. I haven’t tried that personally, and don’t want to go down that road, because I think that a) I don’t have that problem, and b) I don’t want to become reliant on pills.
And then again, despite your prowess as a lover, it might be that you have to accept the fact that deep down, you’re not actually cut out for one night stands, and maybe would be better off looking for someone to really spend quality time with:-)
Let me know if you find anything which helps!
All the best
Ethan
Man, this is frustrating as hell. I’m suffering from the same thing, only the catch is I’m 18 and this happened during my first time. needless to say, it was awkward as hell, and my already low confidence took a pretty heavy hit. at least now i know I’m not the only one.
Hi Dylan,
Thanks for your comment and I can understand your worry if it happened the first time. Did you manage to have sex eventually or did the issue continue? My advice would be to read the comment reply I just sent the previous readers. The advice there would also apply to you, and in some ways it’s even more important that you don’t worry about it. You don’t want to get into a vicious circle of worrying that it will happen again, and that worry then causing it to happen. And I think the best ways to do that are to take your time with a girl, and I really mean take your time – not just 10 minutes of foreplay, but much, much longer. Go nice and slow, enjoy all the things you can do even without an erection, and eventually hopefully it will happen. And in the meantime she’ll love you for giving her so much attention and giving her time to warm up too.
All the best
Ethan
been single now since June, went back with a girl to her house, no problems there, we were both happy…this was beginning of November. 2nd Girl came back to mine and nothing would happen, we were both rather puzzled (I was seriously pissed off) not seen her since…
3rd girl we stayed at a hotel in Brum, got back late with drinks on board but not drunk, not much happened, we fell asleep, in the morning I was fine like I used to be in my early 30’s…What is going on? I used to run like a properly serviced engine but now its like I’m a temperamental example, never quite sure as to what will/wont happen…all I know is I defo want to ‘work’!
Hi John,
Thanks for your comment, and sorry to hear you’ve been having what sounds like a similar issue to me! I can especially relate to the problem of it not quite happening in the evening, but then being fine in the morning. When that happens to me I put it down to a combination of nerves, and ironically alcohol even though alcohol is supposed to help with nerves. But that’s just my personal feeling about what causes me to ‘seize up’ the first night with a new girl. Then when I wake up, I’m relaxed and can usually perform without problems.
My suggestion is not to worry about it too much. And don’t put too much stress on yourself to think you should be able to walk in the front door, tear her clothes off and get straight to it. I’ve found that nowadays I’m much better the first night if I take it nice and easy, spend ages on foreplay and whatever else comes to mind. That allows me to ‘warm up’ slowly and in my experience most girls are also quite nervous the first time, so they appreciate you taking the time to enjoy the situation rather than going from fully clothed to having sex in just a few minutes.
All the best with it and I hope you go back to being a well-oiled machine soon!
Ethan
I have had some sort of sexual intimacy (i.e. oral or manual) with around 40 women and have had actual intercourse with around 25. With about 15 of the latter, I couldn’t maintain an erection for the first ten or so times we had sex (if we had sex that many times) due to psychological issues. Basically, I could go just fine for several minutes (sometimes even as much as 45) before – BLAMMO – I would think about how hard I was, and I would almost immediately go soft. But after I became comfortable with her, I would almost never have the issue again, even if I thought about it (I’m talking in the past tense because I currently don’t have a girlfriend). And then there are about 10 women with whom I NEVER had this issue whatsoever. And there are a small handful of women with whom I’ve had ED issues even when they’re just going down on me (probably only 2 or 3). So, to get to the point, you are by no means alone if you have anxiety issues when you are getting comfortable with a new partner. It drives me INSANE. I feel humiliated and worthless when it happens to me, and I almost want to have my new partner call my exes just to confirm that I actually am a good lover hahaha! And, of course, once it happens, it often tends to snowball and become worse. For me, one of the biggest issues is that I am very concerned with pleasing her. I want a very satisfied partner, each and every time. But when I start thinking about how she’s feeling or if I’m doing the right thing, it takes me out of the moment and makes me feel anxious – which often leads to me wondering how hard I am. I am also VERY empathetic, and can often pick up on a partner’s self-consciousness. Women can get very self-conscious with a new partner, too! And when I can tell that someone isn’t fully present, themselves, I stop being fully present. It’s like I absorb their feelings and it becomes a vicious cycle. Really, the only antidote that I can find is being truly comfortable with your partner and with yourself. This comes with time and with being with a cool person who likes you for more than just your cock. And thinking about how hard you are and worrying that it will happen is an almost surefire way to make it happen. Doing whatever you need to do to be in the moment, trust your partner and have fun is my advice.
Hi Ed,
What a fantastic comment, full of sound insights and great advice! Thanks so much for taking the time to describe your experiences in such an eloquent and down-to-earth way.
I couldn’t agree with you more, and amazingly I remember once wishing there was a way I could ‘prove’ I had the potential to be a great lover with a new partner. Like you, I know that once I’m settled with a partner, things are usually fine. But getting to that point can be frustrating.
Interestingly, I recently found myself with a new partner after quite some time without. And for the first time in a while, the problem didn’t happen on the first night. And I’m pretty sure the reason is because we met online, and had been chatting loads, and had been on a date before the night came to sleep together. So I felt far more relaxed. She’s also a really cool woman, and I think that knowing that as you point out, also helps in not feeling anxious about whether she’s after you for just your penis!
I like your description of being in the moment, as that’s exactly what I feel as well. For me, there needs to be some passion, feeling and 100% commitment from both people to really going for it for me to really get aroused. I’ve come to realize that if I find myself in a position of having ‘just sex’ with no meaning or emotion, I just don’t find it does it for me. Maybe I’m getting old haha
Anyway, thanks again for a great comment, and I hope that your next partner rocks your world:-)
Regards
Ethan
This has been an issue for me several times, I usually say it is leftover from my Catholic upbringing or something like that. One reason for me is a pretty bad case of psoriasis and I never know for sure if she will freak out. But I also have a porn addiction that I am recovering from that gives me ED problems all the time.
Hi Tom
Thanks for the comment, and I can fully emphasis with how much of an issue it is! I had a Catholic upbringing as well funnily enough, though I’m pretty sure it doesn’t interfere with my sex drive – at least if it did at some point, I wasn’t aware of it! But I can understand how having a worry like psoriasis would cause some psychological issues that could interfere with your ability to relax and become turned on. I guess the trick is to work hard to find something to deal with that, if that’s possible. And by the addiction do you mean that you find it hard to get turned on unless real life is as ‘crazy’ as what you’ve been used to watching? I think this is a very common problem, sadly. Hopefully giving that a rest. Maybe it would help to spend time reflecting on what ‘normal’ sex is like, and try to focus on what amazing things you can do with your partner, and how you can turn her on. Switching the focus from you to her might just help, as it can be a real turn on to know that you are pleasuring your partner to the max!
All the best
Ethan
Hi, I’m really happy I discovered your excellent article. I’ve been having the same problem for the last few months and it’s really stressing me out like nothing else before. It’s embarrassing and making me lose confidence in myself. I completely agree with everything you say about it, and it’s a comfort to know I’m not the only one!! Thanks and bless you.
Hi Tom
Sorry to hear you’ve been having the same issue. It is a real confidence rocker, so hopefully the article will provide you with some reassurance that you’re not alone. And hopefully you’ll manage to find a way to deal with it!
All the best
Ethan
Man I have this exact problem so I’m happy to find your article! I didn’t have the premature ejaculation problem before, so I’ve no idea why this has started happening when I never had any kind of problems in the past. I guess it could be anxiety as well, but I don’t feel anxious. Maybe it’s a natural punishment for having too many women haha
Hi Russell
Sorry to hear you’re been having the same issue. It’s a major pain, so I hope it doesn’t linger too long for you.
I hear what you’re saying about anxiety, but it’s often the way with psychological issues that you can’t quite pin them down.
Nice idea about the natural punishment, but I think if it were the case, there would be many more men with a similar problem!
All the best
Ethan