Do you regularly climax before your partner does? Do you wish you could last long enough during sex for both of you to reach orgasm?
In a perfect world, you and your partner would always share earth-shatteringly profound orgasms.
Maybe even accompanied by fireworks, spontaneous uplifting music and balloons falling from the sky.
In the real world, however, it’s more often the case that one person (probably male) gets the climactic fireworks, while the other has a fuse that burns endlessly, but never quite ignites their rocket.
If that sounds familiar, I have some good news for you. There’s lots that can be done to control your arousal, and get you both front row seats to the orgasmic firework display.
I know the techniques in this article can work because I’ve used them myself to great effect. So grab a drink, sit back and ready yourself to learn exactly how to last longer in bed and get some uplifting music playing in your love life.
1. Speak to your doctor
Before looking at the various self-help techniques, it’s important to mention that there are good reasons to ask your doctor about premature ejaculation.
Your doctor can give you qualified, professional advice based on your personal medical history.
As David Rowland, PhD and others write in the Journal of Sexual medicine, premature ejaculation treatment choice depends on the cause.
And there are several possible physical causes, as well as psychological and behavioral. So if this is a severe problem for you, it’s worth considering – even if it sounds like an embarrassing or awkward idea.
They can also recommend or refer you to a counselor or sex therapist if they feel there might be a psychological or behavioral cause.
2. The start and stop method / edging
The start and stop method is the technique that I feel most helped me when I was working on my premature ejaculation.
Confusingly, it’s sometimes referred to as edging, depending on the website or medical professional source.
The International Society for Sexual Medicine, on their website issm.info explain that edging is used by men who wish to delay their orgasm, often making it more intense.
They explain the difference between the start and stop method and edging as:
Men with premature ejaculation sometimes use a version of edging. When a man senses that he will climax before he wants to, stimulation stops for 30 seconds before resuming. This is called the stop-start method.
Some experts feel that the technique is only short-lived, such as researchers in Taiwan who published an overview of PE treatment in the journal Urological Science.
However, they do add that there’s a lack of research into the long-term effectiveness. And I, for one, can say that if practiced for a month or two, it can produce great results.
So for now at least, it’s my top self-help technique to try.
3. Use a delay spray
Using a delay spray is a great way to reduce the stimulation you feel, and can often add many minutes to your lasting time.
I used one when I first started trying to deal with the problem and found it was a good confidence booster.
The best thing is probably that it’s an instant fix, if physical sensitivity is your main difficulty during sex. The downside is that it’s not a cure, and you’ll need to use it each time you have sex.
4. Choose the right sex positions
In general, you’re looking for positions that create relatively shallow penetration
So here are some positions that promote slower, shallower movements to try. And others that guys often get carried away in, and could be good to do less of:
Do more of
- The cowgirl – you lying down with her sitting on top.
- The reverse cowgirl – her on top facing away from you.
- spoons – her lying on the side and you behind her.
- Side by side facing each other – both of you lying on the bed, with legs intertwined.
- Sitting on the bed or in a chair – with her on top, you can relax more.
Do less of
- The missionary position.
- Most standing positions.
5. Switch positions if you get too aroused
Changing sex position when your arousal is spiraling out of control is a great way to last longer in bed. In an interview with an adult star, askmen.com report that those in the industry do this trick all the time.
And if you really need to cool down, you can even stop and give her some oral sex for a while to give yourself a breather.
6. Masturbate before having sex
If you masturbate an hour or two beforehand, you might find you last longer when you have sex. This is a classic trick to last longer and one which in my experience usually helps.
Research published in the journal of sexual medicine in 2005 suggests that this technique can be particularly useful for younger men.
7. Have sex again if you don’t last long the first time
Even if it’s all over quickly, don’t just roll over and hope she didn’t notice it was all a bit quick. Go for a second round as soon as you’re able to. You should find you last longer the second time.
8. Try the 7 and 9 technique
In their article teaching men how to last longer in bed, a sexologist interviewed by mensfitness.com suggests an interesting technique called the 7 and 9 method.
All you need to do is follow a stable pattern of 7 fast in/out strokes, followed by 9 slow in/out strokes. My partner is a particular fan of this technique, finding the rhythm enjoyable and exciting.
9. Don’t stop just because you had an orgasm
Sex doesn’t have to end when you ejaculate. Try turning your attention to your partner, using your hands, give her oral sex or whatever she enjoys.
You might even recover in time for the second round while she’s getting even more aroused, increasing the chances of the holy grail of coming at the same time.
10. Have regular sex to get used to the intensity
Whether you’ve recently become sexually active, or have been for years, if you have sex regularly you should find you last longer in bed.
According to webmd.com:
The way to learn [to last longer] is by getting used to intense stimulation…to increase the frequency of intercourse, and feel every sensation of being inside your partner and enjoy it
11. Keep calm and breathe
If you find yourself breathing fast and shallow or making more noise than usual when breathing, it could be a sign you’re getting closer to the point of no return.
Fortunately, you can reduce your arousal by controlling your breathing during sex. Breathe IN slowly for 4 seconds. HOLD for 4 seconds. Then breathe OUT for 4 seconds.
If you can maintain this pattern, especially when feeling more aroused, it can help you keep control.
12. Relax your body
Staying relaxed is well known to help guys last longer in the heat of the moment. If you notice yourself tensing your abdomen, bum and thighs especially, try to relax them.
You can switch position or consciously use your mind to ‘order’ them to relax. And remember the best positions to use in point 1 above.
13. Relax your mind
Relaxing the mind is a trickier beast to pin down. According to sex therapists, if you go into sex worrying about coming too soon, you’re more likely to do so.
So try using positive affirmations during sex to relax yourself. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s not impossible. Tell yourself you’re a good lover, feeling calm and that everything is just fine.
Alternatively, work on your general level of stress and anxiety in life. If you’re a particularly stress-laden and tense person, then doing meditation, yoga or relaxation exercises daily will make a difference.
If that all sounds a little too esoteric for you, just remember the breathing. That can help with both bodily and mental relaxation.
14. Wear a condom
Wearing a condom is one of the simplest ways to last longer in bed, even if it does come at a price. Sure, it doesn’t feel as good.
But what’s better – 2 minutes of great feeling and a great ending for just one of you? Or 10 minutes of good feeling and maybe a great ending for both of you?
15. Use plenty of lubricant
The wetter the vagina is, the less stimulation and pressure, and so the longer you’ll last. It’s one reason decent foreplay is essential, and also a reason to use lubricant and get wet and slippy together.
16. Focus on the whole body
You’ve probably heard the classic advice of thinking about something boring or unpleasant. In my opinion, this doesn’t really work though, neither is it enjoyable to do.
Instead, try to focus on all the different sensations in your body, and your partner’s too. Don’t allow your mind to get stuck thinking only about the sensation in your genitals. Think how every part of your body feels from your toes to your fingers.
Enjoy the complete experience.
17. Relax and do nothing
As I said before, relaxation is key. So much so, that relaxing to the point of doing absolutely nothing can help you last longer. If you’re on your back you can try to totally relax and let her take control for a minute or two.
Alternatively, both of you can simply lie still together with you inside and have a tantric moment. This gives you a chance to focus on your breathing and lower your arousal level, as well as connect on a more profound level.
18. Vary your speed and depth of thrusting
If you go at it hammer and tongs, you’ll ejaculate sooner – it’s as simple as that. But women also like variation, so you can sometimes thrust slowly, sometimes pause deep inside her, sometimes do very shallow thrusts and tease her at the entrance.
Personally, I’ve found that it helps to mix two things. Sometimes I’ll stay deep inside, and then only move in and out a little, so the depth is maintained.
And then I’ll almost totally withdraw, only moving my penis head in and out very slowly. I might then do 5 or 6 very slow shallow thrusts, followed by a very slow and deep thrust.
I find I can keep control this way, and my partner loves the anticipation of the next deep thrust.
19. Refocus yourself physically
This isn’t my personal favorite, but I know some guys say it helps a lot. Any small repetitive action with your body can help shift your attention from your groin. For example, gently curling the toes on one foot repeatedly.
20. Don’t start off hard and fast
At the beginning of any sexual experience the pleasure is immense, especially if you’ve suffered some sex starvation recently. So take it easy to start. Get used to the warmth and pleasure and then build up slowly.
If you can get through the first couple of minutes without too much stimulation, you should last longer than if you tear off her clothes and treat her like the world’s ending in the next 5 minutes.
21. Coun an action
This is a variation on the classic distraction technique, and is much better than thinking about paint drying. Try counting your thrusts or your breath, or anything else which is easy and rhythmic to focus on. Not my personal favorite, but again, guys do say this technique helps.
22 Spend longer on foreplay, with a focus on your partner
This is one of the most important tips I can give you, stemming from the basic concept that men get aroused much faster than women.
The longer you spend on foreplay (giving her as much pleasure as you can think of) the better, for 2 reasons.
First, it takes the pressure off you, especially if you give her an orgasm first. Second, it raises her arousal to be closer to yours, so you may not even need to last so long when you do eventually have sex.
23. Talk to your partner about it
If you talk openly about having problems with your sexual stamina, it will take the pressure off you. You can then work together and many of the techniques in this article will be easier to implement.
24. Explore tantric sex
This is more of a longer-term mission to undertake. But tantra has a lot to say about the way people have sex, and how there are other ways to go about it. It’s well worth looking into as one of the core teachings is about slowing everything down.
One idea you can try now is to spend time massaging your partner before you get to more sexual foreplay. She’ll love you for it, and again it’ll make her more likely to want sex more often if she’s currently avoiding it due to your quick finishing.
25. Kegels and reverse kegels
Kegels are probably the most difficult exercise to understand and get right. Many online articles showing men how to last longer in bed talk about doing kegels, but don’t usually cover them in much detail.
For example here are some key facts about kegels you don’t normally hear:
- Doing them can make premature ejaculation worse if you do them incorrectly.
- Kegels aren’t about strengthening the Pubococcygeus muscles. It’s about developing strength, tone and control of the Bulbocavernosus muscle mainly.
- Kegels is only a last line of defense to hold back ejaculation. At all other times during sex you need to keep your pelvic floor relaxed.
- Reverse kegels are also important to balance the training you do, and can help your pelvic floor remain relaxed during sex.
The key point to take away is to keep an open mind and be willing to try different things, but move on if they don’t work.
My view is that the best approach is to hit the problem from every possible angle. The more techniques you put into practice, the better a chance you’ll have of lasting much longer in bed.