What To Do If Your Boyfriend Always Comes Too Quickly

It’s a dreaded feeling that I know only too well: the frustration of my boyfriend coming too fast when we have sex.

The worst thing is knowing that your sex life is suffering because of this one problem, but not being sure what to do about it.

You wish you could talk to him about it honestly, but you’re worried that he’ll take it badly, be upset or angry even.

And if you care about him, you probably don’t want to shatter his self-confidence or make him feel inadequate.

If this sounds all too familiar, this article will set you on the path to dealing with the problem as effectively and compassionately as possible.

First things first – are you talking about it yet?

If you’re already talking about the problem together, great; you’ve already taken the most important step. If that’s the case, you’re probably looking for practical ideas that will make your boyfriend last longer during sex.

If you’re reading this because it’s a problem which you’ve never spoken about, it’s a different scenario altogether. So at the end of the article there’s a section which should help you work out how to talk to him about it.

1) Desensitizing sprays

image of my promescent bottle

Desensitizing sprays are especially useful for men with premature ejaculation due to physical sensitivity. If your partner agrees to try one, you might see an immediate difference.

They contain a numbing agent which reduces his sensitivity – usually benzocaine or lidocaine. He can apply it shortly before having sex, wipe the remainder off so it doesn’t transfer to you, and then hopefully last longer.

There are many different desensitizing options available, so you might find our reviews of the best delay sprays helpful. And the one we’ve personally had most success with is Promescent.

2) Develop ejaculation control naturally

There are a range of effective techniques you can practice when making love to help your partner learn to control his arousal levels and ejaculation.

It can take some time to see good results, but it’s definitely worth trying. If you work together to improve his sexual stamina, this way has the potential to actually cure it rather than rely permanently on desensitizing products.

One technique you can get started on straight away is the start and stop method, which he can practice alone and/or with you. There are other techniques, such as the squeeze technique and kegels, but the start and stop is probably the easiest.

3) Work through a self-help book together

image of the ejaculation trainer ebookIf you’re interested in tackling premature ejaculation naturally through behavioral techniques, it can be useful to work through a self-help book.

Research into premature ejaculation has shown that men who used a self-help book improved their lasting time by several minutes, and that the effects continued months later.

You can either practice the techniques together during foreplay and sex, or leave it to him to read and learn what he needs to do to improve his stamina in bed.

Have a look at these premature ejaculation self-help books to find out more.

4) Benzocaine condoms

durex performax numbing condomsBenzocaine condoms, like the delay sprays, also contain a numbing agent. They sometimes cause problems with maintaining an erection, but can be very helpful for some guys.

If your partner doesn’t have a problem wearing condoms in general, they may help his level of control. You can find out more in our article looking at the pros and cons of benzocaine condoms.

5) Thicker than normal condoms

Most condoms can help reduce the physical sensitivity for guys, so even just wearing a normal condom could help him last longer than without one.

And if you want to go one step further, get him to wear an extra thick condom – especially if you’re not keen on the benzocaine idea.

The trade off is that it might reduce yours and his pleasure, so this is one you need to decide on together.

6) Pills

Doctors sometimes prescribe anti-depressants for premature ejaculation, and they have proven to be quite effective.

The problem is though that he would need to take them every day. Anti-depressants also come with side effects of their own, which is why even though they might work, I’m not a fan of the idea personally.

In many countries you can now get the faster acting pill, Dapoxetine. This is only taken each time before sex, but still carries the risk of some side effects.

7) Foreplay, and more of it

Many guys are guilty of rushing as quickly as possible into sex, with foreplay being forgotten as the months and years roll by. But if you can get him to agree to spend more time on this stage, it can make a big difference.

The idea is that you use foreplay to balance your arousal levels. Guys get turned on much quicker than women usually, so it’s great if you can have him spend more time focusing on you.

If he’s willing, get him to spend lots of time arousing you, so that when you finally have sex, he won’t need to last as long, since you’ll already be fully aroused from all that foreplay.

8) Use oral sex to your advantage

This can work in two ways: he could bring you to orgasm through oral and manual stimulation first; or bring you almost to the point and then have sex once you’re already very aroused. It’s up to you two to decide what will work best.

9) Choose your sex positions wisely

Some sex positions might make your boyfriend come too quickly, and others could help him last a little, or hopefully much, longer.

The best positions are those with you on top, or sideways positions like spoons. The worst positions are missionary and from behind on all fours or stood up.

The idea is that he needs to keep relaxed, so any position which involves him tensing his stomach, groin, thighs and lower back won’t help.

10) Get him to masturbate before, or have sex more than once

Your boyfriend is more likely to last longer the second time round. So think of ways you can make that work to your advantage.

It might be that all you need to do is tell him subtly, or not so subtly, to tend to himself some time in the day before you have sex.

And don’t allow your sex session to end the second he ejaculates. Keep on enjoying each other in other ways, and when he’s ready to go again, hopefully it will be for longer this time.

11) Use lubricant

image of a hand using lubricantIf your guy feels too much pressure on the head of his penis during penetration, it can make him come quicker. So if you’re not naturally well lubricated, get a good water-based lubricant to have at the ready.

And if he’s overly keen, and trying to get inside before you know you’re completely ready, tell him to slow down and work on your arousal a bit longer.

12) Remember to breathe

Breathing can play an important role. Remind him to slow down and take longer, deeper breaths if you hear him panting. On a wider note, try to help him keep relaxed during sex. If you feel him tensing up, relax him with some massaging movements or calming words.

13) Have sex more often

If you only have sex once or twice a week then the excitement is going to make it more difficult for him to control his ejaculation – especially if he doesn’t masturbate regularly.

Practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.

14) Set the right pace

If you go straight into 5th gear from the start, your boyfriend might struggle to contain his arousal and excitement. So try to slow down, relax and enjoy a change in pace.

He may also find it helpful to sometimes stop doing such deep strokes, and just do smaller ones at the entrance to your vagina.

And if even that’s too much, he can withdraw completely and give you some oral while he recovers.

15) Work on any sexual performance anxiety

If your man feels anxious and stressed about pleasing you, both the physical and mental tension can affect his lasting time. If he feels less pressure, and that you’re happy and enjoying your sex life together, then it could help him last longer.

So even if he does climax early every time, making him feel that you still enjoy the physicality will help in the long run. If you think he struggles with anxiety, have a read of this longer article about sexual performance anxiety, and see if he’ll look at it too.

What to do if you haven’t told your partner it’s an issue

How severe is his premature ejaculation?

"there is a big difference between severe PE and lasting 5 minutes"When you say your boyfriend comes too quickly, it’s important to realize that there are different grades to the issue. Here are a few different scenarios:

  • He comes during foreplay, before you even start having penetrative sex.
  • He ejaculates very soon during sex, for example within a minute or two.
  • He lasts for a good few minutes – let’s say the average time of 5 minutes for a guy, but it’s not long enough for you to have an orgasm.
  • It’s a mix of all of the above at different times.

A modern definition of premature ejaculation is that he comes before either you or he want him to, regardless of how long the exact time is.

But there’s a big difference between a partner who always comes within a minute, and a partner who lasts 5 minutes or longer, but it’s still not long enough for you to reach orgasm.

The first is possibly a bigger problem, and may or may not be harder to deal with. The second you may be able to work on together relatively easily using behavioral techniques.

How do you tell your boyfriend he comes too quickly?

Complaining or making fun of him the next time your boyfriend orgasms too soon isn’t going to inspire him to take action.

But then neither is silence.

Only you really know your own relationship, your partner and yourself. There are no magic words which will fit every situation.

But one thing is for sure – talking to him about the problem is the key to instigating change.

The reasons why communication is important

First of all, let’s look at the reasons why communication is essential if you want your partner to last longer:

  • Most options for fixing the problem involve his agreement. If he doesn’t accept the situation and take some responsibility, the problem probably won’t go away on its own.
  • He may need to do some solo work to understand how his body works. Many techniques for developing control need him to take some time to himself to practice them.
  • There are some effective products which can help him last longer. But you can’t secretly attack his penis with a numbing spray; he needs to agree to use it.
  • Finally, anxiety can play a big role. And one of the best ways to reduce that is if your man feels he can communicate with you about sex. And that you’re working together as a team on the issue.

Picking the moment and having some ideas at the ready

talk to him about coming too quickly in a sensitive but honest wayIf you already have a good level of communication, things should be easier. If you never actually talk about sex, or intimacy, then now is the time to start, even if it feels a little uncomfortable at first.

Whatever the case, there may be no easy way of saying it that doesn’t hurt his feelings. But there are things you can do to limit his embarrassment:

  • Pick the right moment. Not just after another session where he comes too quickly, nor when either of you are stressed or busy. Find a moment when you’re both relaxed and enjoying each other’s company.
  • Have some ideas of what you can do to manage the problem. If you do decide to tell him outright that you want to do something to help him last longer, have some ideas at the ready. Don’t immediately flood him with them though. Wait and see if he’s willing to talk about it first.
  • Try to be constructive and talk in terms of seeing what you can do together to last longer. Don’t just tell him he has a problem and leave it at that.
  • Be honest about how you feel, but also tell him how much you love, like, fancy, respect or care for him. He may feel bad or relieved when you bring it up, but be sure to make him feel wanted.

It’s really up to you to work out how to talk to him, just remember to be non-critical. Try not to make him feel like a failure, and that you really enjoy being intimate with him.

It’s about making him feel wanted, and at the same time that you’re a team who can work together to have the best possible sex.

You might also like

There are lots of treatment options for premature ejaculation, so it’s worth reading Ethan’s reviews of different techniques and products.

I do recommend getting a good premature ejaculation guide as you’ll find lots of effective techniques in them.

And for some immediate help, a desensitizing spray is a great option. Again, take a look at Ethan’s review of the best delay sprays to learn more about them.

And if you’re still unsure which direction to go in, it might help to read our article explaining how to choose the right premature ejaculation treatment.

162 Comments

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  • My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 months now. Him and I were both virgins, or I better say I feel that I still am. We have tried to make sex happen, but he has also the problem of coming too soon in the attempt to penetrate me (which kind of seems very difficult) and it apparently puts a huge amount of pressure on his penis (as I can feel it myself as well) and always comes within 30 seconds or so before the penetration is done.
    Afterwards he tries to give me pleasure by fingering me in his despair to make up for the disappointment he has caused.
    He is obviously self-conscious and does not feel good about it, he has mentioned it even several times to me whether he has let me down. But I try to not put any pressure on him and tell him that I am sure that by passage of time, this problem will be fixed (although he does not believe it).
    I would appreciate some tips on what solutions are on the table for us. Especially when attempts for penetration for a virgin are made.
    Thank you in advance.

    • Hi Orchid

      Thanks for you comment, and sorry to hear you’ve been having this problem. I’m not sure if I totally follow – have you actually managed to have penetrative sex yet with him? Assuming you have, then really I think it’s a case of trying the tips in the article – there’s a lot there to be working on already. If there’s a lot of pressure, then perhaps you need to spend longer on foreplay and use a lubricant. Maybe have him use his fingers and tongue for a good length of time before you try to have sex. Then you should be more open and there will be less physical pressure, which should help him control himself better.
      Regards
      Ethan

    • Try weak painkillers, he will rock Ur world for a half an hour or more of he takes right amount. Or u can just try making him cum the first time and while he’s recovery which should take 15 min at most he can endorse oral or finger u. Every man knows this the first nut comes out like ketchup. Especially if u are excited. It takes 10 to 15 min on second sometimes longer. Or make sure he masturbates once a day, or u have sex every day. As long as he nuts everyday it will make it easier and easier.

  • my boyfriend and i have been doing just fine until a few days ago when i discovered that i no longer enjoy making love and he comes way too fast. just when i’m starting to feel him, he just comes, leaving me wanting more. we talked about it last night, and he said he has noticed that i no longer enjoy it and there is no way of dealing with this whole thing, he doesn’t believe on therapists and all, he says it just a waste of money… what do i do?

    • Hi Mandy

      Thanks for your comment and sorry to hear that your sex life has gone this way. Really, it’s a serious situation if you’ve decided you no longer enjoy making love to him. And in my mind something which needs to be addressed properly, otherwise it will affect your relationship as a whole. Is the reason purely his lasting time? Or are there other reasons? Before giving you any advice, it’s a key point to think about.
      Regards
      Ethan

  • Okay this is quite embarrassing for me. But I do not get wet down there, and I have trouble getting aroused. He tries to finger me or eat me out but I never feel like its good. The actual sex is great but he cums waaay to fast. And he knows but he doesn’t try to help it. I have no idea what to do. I feel like I’m not attracted to him and I know I am to him. But it is taking a strain on our relationship of nearly a year.

    • Hi Stacy,

      Thanks for your comment. Unfortunately it sounds like there’s a fundamental problem there before the sexual stamina even comes into play. If you’re simply not attracted to him, then that’s a serious issue. My advice would be to jump onto some women’s forums and get some advice from women about how to balance the feeling of liking a guy emotionally buy not being sexually attracted to him. I think you’ll get better advice there than I could possibly give you. If you do decide to stay with him, then you can always come back here and look around the website for advice on helping him last longer.
      Regards
      Ethan

  • Hi ,

    I’ve been with my partner for a yr and a half now and our sex life is quite passionless and scheduled ( 2 sometimes 3 times a week) and he doesn’t last very long. He use to last longer. ..
    I don’t know if he knows that I sometimes fake an orgasm so he doesn’t feel bad . He also expects oral sex , but doesn’t often return the favor. I think if I was being satisfied 2 or 3 times would be enough . But I’m being left sexually frustrated when he’s finished .
    We have spoken about some of these issues before , but I always feel like im nagging him for sex and he only gives it when he wants it. He’s also said that sex isn’t everything ? Am I doing something wrong? I’m not very vocal in the bedroom because I’m so scared of doing something wrong and being rejected .
    Needless to say I feel inadequate and haven’t had these issues in previously relationships. I just don’t know how and what to do ?
    The rest of relationship is fantastic and he’s great . We’ve talked about marriage and building a future together and we get on like a house on fire. But this aspect is really affecting me. I know he knows that he isn’t satisfying me sexually and feels disheartened .
    Please I need some advice .

    • Hi there
      Thanks for your comment, and I’m sorry to hear you’re having this problems. The first and most important point is that you have the right to a satisfying sex life, and also importantly a voice in the bedroom. It’s one thing is the guy (or woman) has a health issue which makes sex complicated. But if it’s things like not being equal in aspects such as oral sex, then that’s a different matter altogether.

      To be honest though, there could be all sorts of things going on here. Maybe, for example, the infrequency of the sex is making it hard for him to control himself. And maybe he’s resigned himself to that, and is therefore worried about constantly making himself look bad in bed by not lasting long. So he only has sex when the desire overcomes the worries. Or maybe after spending time together, the passion has naturally faded and needs to be injected back into your relationship.

      If I’m completely honest with you, I’ve been in a similar position before with an ex-partner. At the start everything was great and exciting. But then as time went by, we had sex less frequently. And when we did, I was too excited to be able to last long enough. But rather than do something about it, I just ended up on some weird auto-pilot looking back on it, I guess hoping it would be better the next time, but not really doing anything to ensure it would. Guys are quite good at burying their head in the sand with these issues, not accepting there’s a problem, and not being comfortable with talking about it.

      But talk about it is what must happen if things are to improve. If you’re going to spend your lives together, this needs to be rectified sooner rather than later otherwise it will only eat away at you and probably get worse.

      So my advice is two things:

      1) Talk to him openly and honestly, but at a time when you’re feeling close and loving. Perhaps don’t tell him you’ve faked orgasms. But Maybe stop doing it which might help him wake up a little bit and realise he’s the one who needs to do something extra. But do tell him how you feel and that you want things to be different. And tell him how you want them to be different – give him practical, tangible ideas rather than just say you’re not happy with your sex life. It’s teamwork after all – you need to work together to both satisfy one another.

      2) Perhaps look on some women’s forums for discussions about this kind of problem. You’re not alone in this, and there are several good forums out there where you can get good advice from women who have been in the same situation.

      I hope that helps a little,
      Ethan

  • Have any of you tried a fifi? Its like a sex toy for men. Me and my girl are in a long distance relationship and I started using that to masturbate instead of my hand and it helped me last soooo much longer when we would get to have sex. She got the red cause shes a redhead.

    • Hi there
      Thanks for the suggestion. I have tried one, but still prefer the fleshlight! It’s good in some ways that there’s the disposable sleeve thing, but it’s not so great for the environment.
      Regards
      Ethan

  • Im having the same problem with my boyfriend. When we first had sex, he lasted 20 mins before finishing I think and I still hadn’t finished. I’ve only been with 2 people in my life and I’ve noticed oral and finger stimulation does nothing for me. So vaginal sex is the only way I believe I can orgasm unless I’m masturbating on my own. Anyways, now it’s like the moment he’s inside me, he finishes and it already takes me a long time to get there. I clench my vaginal walls and make noise so that he thinks I came but the truth is I haven’t ever had an orgasm and we’ve been together for the last 8 months and only sexually for the last 7 months. I just don’t know how to bring it up to him. Also I’ve noticed that his physical features do not turn me on so maybe that’s the underlying problem, well that and that he can’t last very long. I don’t know what to do anymore.

    • Hi there

      Thank you for your comment, and sorry to hear you’re having these problems. I think that if you haven’t brought it up before, then really that’s the first step. Follow the advice in the article about talking to him, tell him you’ve got some practical ideas of how you can both last longer again. And importantly, remind him that he used to last for ages, so should be able to again!
      As for not feeling turned on by him, well that’s a whole other issue. Perhaps it’s in part due to not having that sexual connection with him anymore. Perhaps it’s a sign that things aren’t that good between you. Only you can really answer that one.
      Just to repeat though, in my opinion you need to talk to him and voice your desire to work on your sex life, and work on it together. I think that’s a key point – don’t just tell him he’s not satisfying you and he needs to sort it out. Tell him you wish he could last as long as he used to, and you want to try experimenting with some different techniques, positions or whatever. Many guys will be very happy if their partner says she wants to experiment sexually!
      All the best
      Ethan

  • Hey Ethan,

    So I’m a little late for this post but I’m at a loss. Sadly, I’ve already had multiple conversations with my partner about this issue. I don’t blame him for coming too soon it just sucks for both of us, and sometimes I react poorly. I can get angry because right as I am really getting started he tells me he’s done leaving me to feel left out and unsatisfied. It is so disappointing but I think my vocalizing my disappointment is damaging him, me, and our relationship. So, there’s the background. Do you think there’s a way to bring up that delay spray without totally crushing him? We have pretty spontaneous sex so…I don’t even know if that would work. What about any books you could suggest that would be non-threatening? I really can’t bring it up much more without it making him feel terrible. I need a mans advice but I can’t talk to anyone I know without embarrassing him. Thanks.

    • Hi Janie

      I understand the frustration, and you have every right to be bothered by it. I guess one way would be to just go ahead and get a delay spray and present it to him, preferably at a time when you’re both feeling very close and connected. The worst he can do is get angry, throw it away or refuse to use it. But maybe inside he’ll appreciate not having to make any effort to getting it, and it’s right there in front of him to try.
      Normally I’d say talking and working together is the way forward. When you have talked, have you talked about delay sprays, and any in particular? Or just generally about feeling unsatisfied? Maybe he’d respond better to specific practical solutions. You can present him with a simple ‘do you want to try this thing I heard about?’ yes or no question.

      I guess one problem though could be that they don’t always work for all guys. So if he agreed to use it, then it didn’t work, he might feel even worse. You do kind of need him to be on board with the idea of experimenting with different products – unless you get lucky first time. I’m just thinking out loud here, I hope you understand. There’s no real one-size-fits-all solution to the problem of a guy who doesn’t want to deal with it. But my instinct is telling me to try to get him with specific solutions as well as voicing your need for him to work on it.

      Importantly though is also working on your attitude towards him – forgive me for saying! If you are just reacting strongly, then of course he’ll feel bad, threatened and possibly unwilling to work with you. I think the key might be to talk to him in a loving and compassionate way, and not just after another disappointing sex session. Find a time when you’re cuddled up together, or walking or whatever brings you close. Then talk about practical solutions like the spray.

      I hope that helps! In terms of books, the best in my opinion are the two I talk about in the page about PE books. But since they are digital downloads and quite long, again you’d need him to be willing to look into it.

      I hope that helps! feel free to chat more if you want advice. It might take me a while to reply, but I will always reply.

      Regards
      Ethan

      • Hi,
        When I read this article, it felt as if your words, was my own! I cannot stress how frustrated I feel with my situation… Its heat sore… I’m so unhappy!!! And don’t know what to do. I have tried nice lingerie, nities, discussions, begging, asking, crying, yelling…everything there is to do…but with no satisfying end. His last response was..,”I’m to scared to have sex with u, because I can’t please u…” And with that being said, there is just no sex, no hugs, no kisses, no nothing at all!

        Its just terrible having a partner that does not want “it”…I have given up! We have been married for almost 12years and the past 2 years, I never want to repeat. Unfortunately it is not getting any better and it is affecting my feelings towards him and our marriage, but not according to him. I’m even considering looking for a Dom, a “Mr Grey” if that will “fix” me. Wanting sex all the time, mastrubating, having think about sex all the time! What is wrong with me??? Sexually I am so frustrated. In other areas, he is the perfect husband, helping with chores around the house and “pleasing” me in all other areas accept sexually.

        Its been 8 weeks since the last time he touched me…I am dying inside! I cannot continue this way…I’m broken.

        It has reached a point where I said that I cannot continue with this marriage anymore and his response was…silence, with the next day acting as if I have not said a word. This was 6 months ago…

        So, reading this article, just made me realize that there are other woman feeling exactly the same as me.

        Thank you for posting this.
        Regards
        D

        • Hi there,

          Thanks for your comment. I’m very sorry to hear that your marriage has gone down this path. It’s completely understandable that you feel so frustrated, both sexually and emotionally.
          You don’t mention whether or not the problem is him not lasting long enough, though I assume it is because you’re reading this article. If it’s the case, then you’re going to have to make a choice: either leave him if you really feel you can’t continue or find someone else on the side, or try a different way to talk to him about it.

          My advice would be to try the last option first of course, especially if he is great in so many other ways. For many guys, it’s a horribly embarrassing problem, and one which we don’t naturally talk about to each other or find much advice about randomly. It’s something which we have to deal with in our own heads for years sometimes, slowly becoming more and more helpless about it, not knowing what to do.

          I think the key is to both talk to him in a calm, loving way and also present some solutions to try. Do lots of research, using this website as a start, and educate yourself about all the options he has. Then you can tell him what you’ve discovered and ask him if he’s willing to try. Maybe an instant product like a delay spray at first because it requires no effort on his behalf. Then you can try suggesting he learns the natural techniques at a later date.

          You need to work as a team on this. So don’t allow him to be silent, but also don’t criticize or make him feel any worse. It’s a fine balance between inspiring a willingness to change and try new things and making him feel loved and wanted.

          Regards
          Ethan

          • Thank you Ethan. Reading what I wrote…I can’t believe I actually posted it…after Reading all the other peoples comments and advice…I just couldn’t help myself, also wanting to say what I feel and experience.

            We as a couple have always been loving and civil towards each other. Always respecting each other, caring, no bad mouthing or even fighting. Always communicating in a decent proper way.

            We have managed to talk more about it and he is really trying…and also said that he has been “absent” from our relationship.

            I am thankful for finding your blog and have done a lot of research. I think we have to “find” each other again…remembering what it was that made us fall in love! I have also learnt a great deal about myself…knowing now what I want….exploring and experiencing new areas of my life…our life.

            Everything in life comes at a price, so I will continue my journey, searching for what I need and want. It will be his choice if he wants to be a part of it. I hope that all can be restored and be better! Weather its with my partner or someone new, everyone deserves to be happy!

            Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it!

            Regards,
            Dorette

            • Hi Dorette

              You’re very welcome, and it’s great to hear that you’ve been communicating better about it. Everything you say sounds very positive, so I’m sure if he also brings the same level of positivity, and you work together with love on your side, you’ll manage to develop the kind of life you want together, and in every way.
              All the best
              Ethan

      • Hi,
        When I read this article, it felt as if your words, was my own! I cannot stress how frustrated I feel with my situation… Its heat sore… I’m so unhappy!!! And don’t know what to do. I have tried nice lingerie, nities, discussions, begging, asking, crying, yelling…everything there is to do…but with no satisfying end. His last response was..,”I’m to scared to have sex with u, because I can’t please u…” And with that being said, there is just no sex, no hugs, no kisses, no nothing at all!

        Its just terrible having a partner that does not want “it”…I have given up! We have been married for almost 12years and the past 2 years, I never want to repeat. Unfortunately it is not getting any better and it is affecting my feelings towards him and our marriage, but not according to him. I’m even considering looking for a Dom, a “Mr Grey” if that will “fix” me. Wanting sex all the time, mastrubating, having think about sex all the time! What is wrong with me??? Sexually I am so frustrated. In other areas, he is the perfect husband, helping with chores around the house and “pleasing” me in all other areas accept sexually.

        Its been 8 weeks since the last time he touched me…I am dying inside! I cannot continue this way…I’m broken.

        It has reached a point where I said that I cannot continue with this marriage anymore and his response was…silence, with the next day acting as if I have not said a word. This was 6 months ago…

        So, reading this article, just made me realize that there are other woman feeling exactly the same as me.

        Thank you for posting this.
        Regards
        D

  • I have had that same problem, but eventually had my girl masturbate me as soon as possible.
    That way it took a couple of minutes before I could have a proper erection, and sex could be enjoyed for much longer.

      • During foreplay and mutual masturbation I had her masturbating me untill I cum before we had sex.
        That way I took longer to cum inside her.

        • Hi Andera

          Yes, the principle of the ‘second go’ does seem to work. If you can get an erection again soon enough, then it’s a good way to last longer when you actually have sex.

          Regards
          Ethan

  • Hi,
    Reading your article has helped me understand a better way to approach my bf about our sex lives. I have tried to discuss the problem with my bf before, and how i haven’t had a chance to orgasm but he hasn’t really taken any action and just makes me feel like i’m the only one who wants more sex and longer sex. When i have asked for us to go again he always says he’s too tired and that hes drained out now. I have tried no foreplay on him before sex and that hasn’t helped much either. i just dont know how to tell him that its affecting me and quite frankly i dont even want sex anymore because whats the point if its only 1-3 minutes and he doesn’t even use his hands or mouth on me.
    would really appreciate your advice please

    • Hi Natalie

      Thanks for your comment, and I’m sorry to hear that like many women you’re having this problem with your boyfriend’s lasting time during sex.
      I think that most of what I have to say is already in the article and subsequent comments – which I also recommend reading if you haven’t already.
      I think that talking to him again is your best option, as well as of course trying to implement the things I talk about in the article yourself if you can.
      It sounds like he has gotten into a rather selfish pattern of going straight to the act of intercourse, abandoning foreplay (as many men sadly do as time passes…) and then not worrying about your pleasure. Or at least not appearing to worry about it.
      Sometimes I wonder whether guys end up in this weird situation where they know they have a problem, feel bad about it, but don’t know what to do. So they just kind of ignore it, hope it will get better every single time, and then not do anything extra for you because their hormones are still telling them they want sex, even if it only satisfies them. Who knows…
      But I think without him taking action, it’s unlikely to get better. So the trick is getting him onboard with trying different things. And that is 80% of the battle. That’s why it’s important that you get it right, and talk to him in the right way at the right time.
      The worst that can happen is that you start refusing sex and then get used to not having enjoyable sex. That’s likely to then affect your entire relationship.
      So be brave and talk to him again, but be compassionate and remember that this can be an extremely embarrassing and ‘manliness destroying’ thing to have to face up to. Be positive and constructive, and arm yourself with ideas to try so you can present ideas to him. Even if it doesn’t work at first, you might find he goes and investigates it in his own time and of his own free will.
      Good luck with it!
      Ethan

    • Have the same problem i just dont like having sex anymore and i let run to see how long he went before touching me and he went up to 3 weeks. I didn’t feel anything when he finally touched me i just dont say anything its annoying. He also comes really fast and when done he just gets away from me that’s why i dont even bother coming close to him (He do this when tired and i get pissed off). By the way this is the first i hold on that long too i was like you i would always want more but he didn’t care so i decide to just to quit lets see what happens. We have 6 years together. (Or you can try touching him after he first came and he him work up again that what i did cuz i know he comes fast and try to get it to get excited again and then go from there)

      • Hi Guadalupe

        Since you’ve replied directly to a previous reader, I won’t say too much. The only thing I would say is to talk to him! It sounds like things have gotten about as bad sexually as they can get. So you’ve got nothing to lose by talking to him about it and seeing if you can work together to improve your sex life.
        Regards
        Ethan

  • Hi, I’m really glad I came across this article. However this is my issue. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years and we have an 8 month old daughter together. We are 15 years apart with me being younger. When we first got together, he cam within a minute and this isn’t nothing I’ve never experienced with any of my previous partners so I thought, maybe it was me and he said” he cam very fast because he hadn’t had sex in a very long time and he was very excited”. I wAs very excited too, he was very attractive to me and I was very curious and extremely happy to wait for this moment for it to just turn out to be a disappointment. However, I didn’t give up, but it became a regular cycle every time we had sex, I was always given him oral and he rarely ever did me. It got to the point as to where he started to make the comment” oh well, I’ve gotten mine” and left me hanging and I wouldn’t say nothing. It left me wondering, was he cheating on me, what is going on. We’ve discussed this, tried different positions, etc but never was open to trying any meds and don’t want too. Sometimes we have sex more often than usual for example like 3-5 times a week or once a week. Here lately he’s lasted 5-8 mins and we’ve gone back 2 back within the last week and this went on for about 4 days. He’s really into porn, always looks at it on his phone and him and his buddies send pictures of females to each other. I’m really confused, what is going on with his body, does the age gap play a role into this? He tells me that’s all that I every want is sex but It’s not. Am I expecting too much from me?

    • Hi JNS

      Thank you for your comment, and the first thing to say is that you are definitely not expecting too much! I think both partners in every relationship have the right to want and expect a certain level of sexual satisfaction. And if you feel that he is not putting much effort into ensuring you also have a good time, then that is quite selfish of him. Now, whether he is having confidence issues due to his lasting time or not is hard to guess. It’s possible he is.

      I have to say as well that if he does have lasting problems, then only having sex once a week, or even once every 2-3 days is going to be difficult for him. Regular sex is one of the best ways for guys to develop stamina. But if he has some issue with regular sex, then that’s something you need to ask him about too! You don’t say how old he is exactly, but maybe he doesn’t have a very high libido due to his age.

      I think a key thing though is that you have talked about this before and taken steps to make things better. And I think that’s probably what you need to do again now. And also try to find out what’s with the porn. Most guys, even those in relationships like a bit of porn from time to time. But sending pictures to and from your mates regularly seems a bit odd to me for a man with a partner and a child.

      Something is clearly not right between you, and I think you need to open a proper dialogue with him about it. My suspicion is that neither of you are feeling fulfilled sexually, but for different reasons. And only by talking will you work out what you can do to find the common ground and develop a loving and sexually satisfying sex life.

      But just to reiterate…don’t ever question whether you are asking too much to be sexually satisfied by your man! You have the right to have a fulfilling sex life!

      I hope that helps a bit!
      Regards
      Ethan

  • My boyfriend comes literally as soon as he enters me but he carries on going. Hes been doing this since the first time we had sex. I’m not sure if he know that I know he’s came. He claims I’m ‘too tight’. I haven’t made a point of it when he does and just allowed him to continue until I can’t feel him anymore. It’s starting to frustrate me because after he’s done he won’t touch me again for a few days to almost a week. I’ve only been able to keep him hard after coming once with oral. We’ve used lube, and tried a variation of positions. We do foreplay and he’ll perform oral on me but he has never given me an orgasm and I’ve tried to show him how. I’ve told him that I wasn’t fully satisfied after sex a few times and asked for a second round, before he was up for it but recently he makes excuses like saying he’s tired or hes not in the mood. i am just at lost on what to do.

    • Hi there,

      Thank your for your comment, and sorry to hear that your sex life isn’t quite living up to expectations. What you describe is unfortunately such a common occurrence. Guys can be very quick to find an explanation which is usually a ‘compliment’ in disguise, such as “you’re just so hot I can’t help it…”. In your case there may actually be some truth to it, as if a guy is sensitive, then a tighter vagina can be incredibly difficult to cope with. But whatever the case, he clearly has quite a serious problem.
      It seems to me that you’re going to somehow connect as a team on this one. From the little you’ve said, it seems like a classic case of ‘resignation’ to something which is horrible but seemingly impossible to fix. For starters, he has to admit there’s a problem, both to himself and to you. And then decide to do something about it. My advice would be to find the best time to talk to him about it, when you’re both snuggling comfortably on the sofa with a glass of wine for example, and try to gently open up a dialogue about it. But not just after sex when he is probably feeling crap about himself, even if it’s subconsciously.
      You can tell him you’ve been doing some research, and have found some ideas of things to try. Maybe even buy a delay spray and show it to him. The worst he can do is refuse to try it, but he will probably be curious. And if it comes to it, show him this website and get him to sit and read it for a while, if you can. Even if he refuses, he might then secretly look at it and then get back to you.
      It’s a tricky one, but I honestly believe the best approach is to work on the lack of ‘teamwork’ first, and then the actual issue. You might find you end up having a lot of fun along the way!
      I hope that helps a bit
      All the best
      Ethan

  • Thank you very much for this advice. I have had this problem with my boyfriend but, we already practice a lot lot of these techniques. I also will take the advice of having more sex because we only do it about once or twice a week. Thank you again

    • Hi Loretta

      Thanks for your comment and I’m glad you found the article helpful. It’s great that you already practice the techniques. But yes, if he has problems with his lasting time, then only having sex once or twice a week is going to make it extremely difficult for him to control himself on those rare occasions you do have sex. If you have sex more regularly, I can almost guarantee you’ll see some improvement.
      Regards
      Ethan

  • After a year of amazing sex (seriously), things are getting more and more unsatisfying. He used to last about an hour and now it’s average of 5 to 10 minutes. He says it’s because I feel too good that he can’t control himself. But a year ago he seemed capable of control. I have become uninterested in sex because by the time I just start getting aroused, it’s over. No foreplay anymore either Unless I suggest it. He has started making comments that I’m not “present” but honestly what’s the point? It will be over in 5 minutes, less if I try to engage. He has tried to wait and calm down but it never helps. I’m feeling like the arse but he doesn’t seem to be trying. What to do? Also, rest of relationship is fantastic. :$

    • Hi Susan

      Thanks for your comment, and sorry to hear you’re going through this difficult period in your sex life. If he once lasted much longer, then hopefully he’ll be able to regain that level of control at some point. I think the main thing is to communicate with him about this. 5-10 minutes is actually the average time guys last for, so don’t be too disheartened just yet. With a little thought and some work, hopefully he’ll be able to improve on that time again. Maybe you need to talk together and try to work out what was different a year ago and now. Perhaps he used to try and control himself, but for whatever reason has stopped doing so. Maybe you did things differently, or spent more time in different positions. Maybe the foreplay you had before was helping you to get fired up and therefore not need so long with actual sex. Only you two can work these things out!
      But the first step, as I said before, is to open up a non-critical dialogue. If this is a problem, the best way to overcome it is with teamwork!
      All the best
      Ethan

  • Hi,
    My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. We are both happy in our relationship and have great sex but I would like him to be able to last a bit longer. I’ve never times it but sometimes he will only last a few minutes, and I’ve never been able to finish with him as I would need more time. On the other hand, he finishes every time and I’m happy about that. What are some ways to improve his lasting time? I know he wouldn’t want to try anything too artificial like anti depressant drugs, numbing sprays etc, but any other ideas would be much appreciated :) Thanks!

    • Hi Crystal,

      Thanks for your comment, and sorry to hear that like many couples, you’ve been unsatisfied during sex. To be honest though, it’s all there in the article for you to read! My other suggestion would be to look around the website more:-)
      All the best
      Ethan

  • The idea of masturbating a couple of hours before having sex is a good one.

    Now, for the other side of the coin, lasting too long. Using the male g-spot is really good for that.

    • Hi there Long-Lasting,

      I’m glad you found a useful tip here. Though I’m a bit puzzled as to why you’re reading it at all with a name like yours!
      Regards
      Ethan

    • Hi jgley,

      Thanks, and I’m glad you found it helpful. I’d be interested to know exactly what techniques you tried with him and if it helped, if you have the time to come back and let me know.
      Regards
      Ethan

  • My husband lasts close to 7 mins. Maybe!! I love how we get so into it and we both get off fast, I just don’t know how to get him to be like he use to. He use to go down south or use his hands and stuff, 4 years later I only get a quickie!! And I mention it every time I want seconds, but I never get it. How can I get him back? Its like he’s scared to do anything. He also only gives it to me twice a month. I’m embarrassed to even give my real name.

    • Hi Deanna,

      Thanks for your comment, and sorry to hear you’ve been having issues with your sex life. To be perfectly honest, I’m not so much of an expert on reviving sex lives as my focus has always been on dealing with premature ejaculation.
      Unfortunately though, I think what you’re describing is all too common in long term relationships. Maybe you could try talking to him about it when you’re not in bed. Pick a moment when you’re feeling comfortable in each others company and try making some suggestions about spicing up your love life. Sex too often becomes a habit which gets less and less frequent, and the stuff which takes a little effort and is more one-side, like going south, gets neglected. So it’s up to both of you to inject some romance, passion, creativity and excitement again. And I’m not sure that’s something one person can do alone. You need to work as a team, and a team has to talk.
      Otherwise try searching online for women’s love and romance forums. There are lots full of great ideas from women who have been or still are in your position.
      All the best
      Ethan

  • Hi. This is really a useful piece of advice. I had big problems with my boyfriend with sex and don’t know what to do about it. But now think Im going to talk to him and see if he is willing to try some things you say can help. thank you so much!

    • Hi Jin

      Glad you found the article helpful, and hopefully you and your boyfriend can work through things together and improve your sex life.

      Good luck!

    • I have the same problem with my soon to be husband. We have been together for about seven years and this year we are getting married. I love him and I reall feel bad for him but, it is affecting me as well. I have brought it up to him but, only for him to get defensive and say that he never had issues before me that I always want it. But, I believe he is embarrassed and don’t want to think about it when we have sex I can literally time him he is done exactly 3 to four minutes. Sometimes I don’t have an orgasm because it over to soon. I don’t know what to do his sex is good for those minutes but, i am younger than him and I want him to last longer and produce more. When we are done I’m mad and I turn over and go to sleep and he says to me what’s wrong? I says nothing and than he says was it good and i lie and say yes

      • Hi there,

        Thanks for your comment, and sorry to hear that like so many women, you’re not satisfied by your partner’s lasting time. Hopefully you’ll have found some ideas in this article you can apply. I definitely recommend talking to him again about it. I think you’re probably right about him being embarrassed, but if you talk to him in the right way at the right time, then eventually you might be able to get him to work with you. But if you just keep it to yourself, it’s very unlikely anything will ever change. So I think you’re going to have to find the strength to work out how to broach the topic in the best way. But don’t allow yourself to give in and get used to this. It’s something which can be improved, so it should be. And actually 3-4 minutes is not bad statistically, so it shouldn’t take too much effort to increase that time!
        All the best
        Ethan

  • Just wanted to say thanks a lot for this article, it’s really helpful. My partner has had problems with this ever since we got together, and I think he knows it but doesn’t talk about it, and I feel bad to bring it up. I’ll have a think about talking to him about it because I really don’t know if I can continue like this forever if he’s never going to last longer than a minute or two. At least I have some ideas now that I can suggest we try, though I’m not sure telling him to practice on his own is my favorite idea…

    • Hi Jenny

      You’re very welcome, and thanks also for your feedback. It’s always great to hear that an article is useful:-)

      It sounds like you’re in a very common predicament, unfortunately. It’s your decision of course whether to talk to him or not, and I imagine there are some women who would never bring it up for various reasons. But if you care about him, and feel the relationship is threatened by this yet worth trying to save, then bringing it up might be a good way forwards. Then it will be down to his level of maturity to deal with what you say, and how you say it of course.

      But having some constructive suggestions should help as well. I understand your last point, and that’s fair enough. But if you do bring it up and he’s willing to listen and tackle it, you’ll also have to see what his opinion is about the best way to deal with it. Maybe he’ll be happy to try out a delay spray, but maybe he’s the type to want to really get stuck in and try to reverse the problem long-term. You’ll have to wait and see.

      Thanks again for sharing your story and all the best:-)
      Ethan

      • Hello there. I really like your sites page.
        Hope you can help me . i am 23 years old and I started masturbate when I was 13 . but I guest I am adic to this and cant stop masturbate I do it 3 to 4 times a day. Can you help me how to control may addiction. I will wait your reply.

        • Hi Zainiel
          Sorry to hear you feel it’s out of control. My personal opinion is that it just requires a moment of making a firm decision to reduce it, and then the mental strength to carry it through. But understandably it might be tricky for some guys. It’s not something I really specialise in though, so my advice would be to google it and see if you can find help. know there are some sites which give advice about it, though I’m not sure how great they are.
          Ethan