What To Do If Your Boyfriend Always Comes Too Quickly

a woman looking disappointed after sexIt’s a dreaded feeling that I know only too well. That agonizing frustration when my boyfriend comes too fast when we have sex.

The worst thing is that you know why your sex-life is disappointing, but don’t know what to do about it.

You wish you could talk to him about it honestly, but you’re too worried that he’ll take it badly.

You just don’t want to shatter his self-confidence and make him feel inadequate. If this sounds all too familiar, then this article will give you plenty of good ideas to deal with the problem.

First things first – are you talking about it yet?

If you’re already talking about the problem together, then great. You’ve already taken the most important step. If that’s the case, you’re probably looking for practical ideas that will make your boyfriend last longer during sex.

If you’re reading this because it’s a problem which you’ve never spoken of, then that’s a different scenario altogether.

After the list of solutions there’s a section which should help you work out how to talk to him about it. You can skip straight to that if you prefer.

1) Develop ejaculation control naturally

There are a range of effective techniques you can do when making love to help your partner learn to control his arousal levels and ejaculation.

It can take some time to see good results, but it’s definitely worth giving it a shot. If you work together on the problem, this is the best way to actually cure it rather than rely permanently on desensitizing products.

I also think it’s a good idea to learn as much as possible about the problem. There are a couple of good premature ejaculation books which talk you through the background and the exercises step by step.

In many ways it’s helpful to present him with real solutions. You can give him the book, then leave it to him to decide to read it or not. I can guarantee he will!

To find out more, you might like to take a look at our recommended premature ejaculation guides.

2) Delay sprays

Delay sprays are especially useful for men with premature ejaculation due to physical sensitivity, but will also help most guys last longer. If your partner agrees to try one, you’ll probably see immediate results.

They contain a numbing agent which reduces his sensitivity, usually Benzocaine or Lidocaine. He would apply it shortly before having sex, wipe the remainder off so it doesn’t transfer to you, and off you go.

There are many different kinds on the market, so you might find our reviews of the best delay sprays helpful.

 3) Benzocaine condoms

These kind of condoms also contain a numbing agent. They sometimes cause problems with maintaining an erection, but for some guys they can be really helpful.

If your boyfriend doesn’t have issues wearing condoms, they may help his level of control. Find out about the 3 most popular types of benzocaine condoms.

4) Thicker than normal condoms

This speaks for itself really – we all know that condoms reduce sensitivity, and so getting something like a Durex extra-thick condom can help. However, it may reduce your pleasure as well.

5) Pills

Doctors sometimes prescribe anti-depressants for premature ejaculation, and they have proven to be quite effective.

The problem is though that he would need to take them every day and it can take weeks to work properly. And he also then needs to deal with the possible side-effects.

In many countries you can now get Dapoxetine. This is only taken each time before sex, but still carries some risks of side effects.

6) Foreplay, and more of it

There’s a clever idea around arousal balancing which may help. The idea is that he spends longer on foreplay which focuses on you specifically, thus bringing your arousal levels higher while keeping his at bay.

7) Use oral sex to your advantage

This can work in two ways: he could bring you to orgasm through oral and manual stimulation first; or bring you almost to the point and then have sex at the last moment. It’s up to you two to decide what will work best.

8) Choose your sex positions wisely

Diagram Of The Missionary PositionSome sex positions will make your boyfriend come too quickly, and others will help him delay ejaculation a little longer.

The best positions are any with you on top, or sideways positions like spoons.

The worst positions are missionary and from behind on all fours or stood up.

The idea is that he needs to keep relaxed. Any position which involves him tensing his stomach, groin, thighs and lower back are bad.

It also helps to change positions, so if he’s getting too aroused then either you or he needs to change the position.

9) Have him masturbate before, or make sure you have sex more than once

Your boyfriend will always last longer the second time round. So think of ways you can make that work to your advantage.

10) Use lubricant

If your man feels pressure on the head of his penis when he enters you, it will make him come quicker. It’s as simple as that.

11) Remember to breathe

Breathing can play an important role. Remind him to slow down and take longer, deeper breaths if you hear him panting. On a wider note, try to help him keep relaxed during sex. If you feel him tensing up, tell him to keep it calm.

12) Have sex more often

If you only have sex once or twice a week then he’ll never last that long due to the excitement. Especially if he is not masturbating in-between.

Practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.

13) Set the right pace

If you’re going at it hammer and tongs, then your boyfriend will come too fast. Slow down, relax and enjoy a change in pace.

He may also find it helpful to sometimes stop doing such deep strokes, and just do smaller ones at the entrance.

And if even that’s too much, he can withdraw completely and give you some oral while he recovers.

14) Work on the sexual performance anxiety

If your man’s worrying about pleasing you, then he will probably end up ejaculating too soon. If he feels less pressure, and that you’re happy and enjoying your sex life together, then he will last longer.

So even if he does climax early every time, making him feel that you still enjoy the physicality will help in the long run. If you think he struggles with anxiety, have a read of this longer article about sexual performance anxiety, and see if he’ll look at it too.

Haven’t spoken to your partner yet?

Just how severe is his premature ejaculation?

"there is a big difference between severe PE and lasting 5 minutes"When you say your boyfriend comes too quickly, what do you mean? There are a few different scenarios:

  • He comes during foreplay, before you even start having penetrative sex.
  • He ejaculates very soon during sex, for example within a minute or two.
  • He lasts for a good few minutes – let’s say the average time of 5 minutes for a guy, but it’s not long enough for you to have an orgasm.
  • It’s a mix of all of the above at different times.

There are two ways of defining premature ejaculation. One is that he comes within 2 minutes of actual sex, or before. The other is that he comes before either you or he want him to.

But there’s a big difference between a boyfriend who always comes within a minute, and a boyfriend who lasts 5 minutes or longer, but still not long enough for you.

The first is clearly a bigger problem, and may or may not be harder to deal with. The second you may be able to work on together relatively easily using some of the tips in this article.

How do you tell your boyfriend he comes too quickly?

Jokingly slapping him in the face the next time your boyfriend orgasms too soon is not going to inspire him to take action.

But then neither is silence.

Only you really know your own relationship, your partner and yourself. There are no magic words which will fit every situation.

But one thing is for sure, talking to him about this is absolutely essential if you want to see change.

The reasons why talking to him about it is important

First of all let’s look at the reasons why communication is essential if you want your partner to last longer:

  • All of the best options for fixing premature ejaculation involve his agreement. If he doesn’t accept the situation and take some responsibility, then things will probably not improve.
  • He may need to do some personal ‘re-training’ to learn to last longer. Not in a training a dog kind of way, but in a ‘I’m taking responsibility and doing something about it’ kind of way.
  • There are some excellent products which can help him last longer. But you can’t secretly attack his penis with a numbing spray. He needs to agree to use it.
  • Finally, anxiety can play a big role. And one of the best ways to reduce that is if your man feels he can communicate with you about sex. And that you are working together as a team on the issue.

Picking the moment and having some ideas at the ready

talk to him about coming too quickly in a sensitive but honest wayIf you already have a good level of communication, then things should be much easier. If you never actually talk about sex, or intimacy, then you will need to start.

Whatever the case, there may be no easy way of saying it that doesn’t hurt his feelings. But there are things you can do to limit his embarrassment:

  • Pick the right moment. Not just after another session where he comes too quickly. Nor when either of you are stressed or busy. Find a moment when you’re both relaxed and enjoying each others company.
  • Have some ideas of what you can do to manage the problem. If you do decide to tell him outright that you want to do something to help him last longer, then have some ideas at the ready. Don’t immediately flood him with them though. Wait and see if he’s willing to talk about it first.
  • Try to be constructive and talk in terms of seeing what you can do to last longer. Don’t just tell him he has a problem and leave it at that.
  • Despite that, you will need some level of honesty. But be sure to first tell him how much you love, like, fancy, respect or care for him. He may feel bad, or relieved when you bring it up, but be sure to make him feel wanted.

It’s really up to you to work out how to talk to him. Just remember to be non-critical. Try not to make him feel like a failure, and that you do enjoy getting physical with him.

It’s about making him feel wanted, and at the same time that you are a team who can work together to have the best possible sex.

Summary

You’ve probably got the message by now that the single most important factor is communication. Only when you are talking about it openly will the best techniques to help your boyfriend last longer become available.

The more of these techniques you put together, the better chance you’ll have of helping your boyfriend, husband or partner last long enough to satisfy you.

Just to summarize then, these are the three main ideas for you to think about:

  • See if he’s willing to learn and practice the natural ejaculation control techniques.
  • Try out a delay spray.
  • Remember to put into practice all the practical foreplay and sex tips.

If he’s willing to try out natural techniques, or you want to know more about them yourself, I do recommend checking out our recommended premature ejaculation guides.

 

138 CommentsLeave a comment

  • So my boyfriend and I have actually only been dating for about 2-3 months now and when I say he’s shy I mean it. it took him almost 4 weeks,give or take, to even kiss me. we’ve had sex but only maybe 4 or 5 times and it never lasts very long. he kisses me a whole lot and every once in a while will rub me a little down there but never fingers me and always takes about 2-3 minutes to cum. I don’t really know what to do about initiating sex. we rarely have sex and when we do I’m unsatisfied. I feel weird saying anything because we really haven’t been together that long and we click so well in all other aspects of life. I don’t really know what I should do? any advice?

    • Hi Becca
      Thanks for your comment. Perhaps in this situation you just need to become more dominant and see if he goes along with you. Some guys just don’t have that dominant masculinity in bed, and either need due to shyness, or enjoy for other reasons, a woman to take control. Maybe, metaphorically speaking, you could see him as a blank slate which you can create into the kind of guy you’d like. Maybe he’s inexperienced as well as shy, so teach him by actions if you feel words are not going to do the trick.
      In terms of not lasting, it’s probably due to a combination of inexperience and the fact that you don’t have sex often.
      So try getting passionate with him, have a drink or two to help him loosen up, set the scene with candles if you think he’s the romantic type and generally take control.
      And if that doesn’t work, then you’re just going to have to be honest with him and tell him in the nicest way possible that you want to try some other things. Also, try asking him about his fantasies. You never know what that question will turn up…
      All the best
      Ethan

  • Not sure if you still respond to these but I’ll give it go, even if its to talk about it for my own sake. I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years and our sex life has always been steady yet unsatisfying, for myself. I have a strong libido and he does not, he finds no importance in sex where I do. I have lost all of my sex drive due to his lack of passion and how quick he is during sex (2-3 minutes tops) I find myself even dreading sex due to how unsatisfied I am left. I have done oral on many many occasions, he never returns the favor, whens hes done then thats it, the day goes on. Not once has he ever done oral on me without expecting something in return. He barely does oral in general, or finger play, it is the usual amount of “foreplay” (I can almost time it)focused mainly on my breasts then its a quick few pumps and thats it, sometimes he realized how quick it was and will painfully attempt to finger me but I always just fake it so he will stop. I have tried talking to him about all of this but he gets very defensive and angry, he once told me to just buy a dildo and stop bugging him (unbeknownst to him I had bought one ages ago when I was sick of fealing unsatisfied) I love him but I dont know what to do anymore.

    • Hi Harley
      Thanks for your comment, and yes I’m still responding to all comments. Sorry to hear your sex life has gotten to this stage. You’re not alone, as you’ll have noticed if you’ve read the previous comments from women who are also dealing with the defensive or angry partner issue.
      The first thing is that he needs to change, that’s for sure. You are entitled to a decent sex life, and at the very least a partner who will try his best to work on any problems you encounter. Unfortunately, for many guys this is a terrible issue and he’ll probably be feeling pretty awful about it at the times when he does think about it – assuming he’s aware enough to realise that it’s true what you say.
      the key is to talk to him at the best possible time – when you’re in a happy, comfortable and trusting conversation. Don’t be critical at first, just telling him what’s going on for you in calm way, and also making suggestions of things to try to make him last longer, or to spice up your sex life in the way that you want him to. If he can’t be bothered with oral then he’s either selfish, inexperienced, doesn’t like doing it or just plain lazy. And he needs to realise that it’s not cool to expect it from you but not return the favour.
      If I were you, I’d have a calm talk with him, learn yourself all the things that can be done to last longer so you have practical solutions to offer him. And if that doesn’t work give him a bit of a sterner warning that he really needs to listen to your needs.
      Good luck!
      Ethan

  • Hi.. My love and I recently started having sex and honestly both myself and my love isn’t satisfied.. On our first go at it honestly it wasn’t good at all there was trouble for his penis to stand and in less than a minute he came…he was aware of it and i know for sure that it bothered if but I told him it was OK tried to make better of the situation said maybe the next time will be better.. At our next shot at it same problem…. We argued about it and he decided that our relationship make no sense and he is ready to ‘GIVE UP’ I feel really depressed am not sure what I should say to him this time around… What are some options? What’s the best thing to do? How should I handle the situation?

    • Hi Mari
      Thanks for your comment, and I can understand your frustration. I think he’s over-reacting there – perhaps as a form of embarrassment and frustration. Hopefully he doesn’t really mean it, and if he does – well, you’re better off without him.

      I imagine that there are some nerves and excitement involved there. Perhaps the best thing is to try again, both relax and take it easy. There are plenty of options, as you’ve seen in the article. Lots of these you can try out straight away and they might help, if he’s willing to work on it with you. And of course, you can go even deeper into the research and techniques through one of the books which I talk about.

      All the best
      Ethan

  • Hi, here’s hoping you still read and respond to these comments.

    Anyway my bf and I are getting increasingly intimate but he always comes quickly. ( the Foreplay- clothes-still-on-just-moving-together kind of quickly)

    I used to be quite flattered but now it’s a little annoying because while he keeps going after, it’s not as enjoyable for him which then makes me feel bad. (Plus I know I take quite a while)

    He’s the one that brought it up and it really upsets him. Thankfully we’re really close and open with each other and I’ve tried reassuring him but tbh I’m not sure if using the natural techniques alone will be enough to help him? Also I think that his emotions might be making him come quickly so how can I help him slow down? (His ex used him to regain her sexuality and we’re both still virgin and have infrequent opportunities to be intimate) More frequent intimacy isn’t possible right now so any other advice is greatly appreciated

    Thanks,
    X

    • Hi there
      Thanks for your comment. Well, the natural techniques are excellent in my opinion. But if you don’t have time for those, then you can try a delay spray. The problem is though, if he’s coming so quickly, before there is even physical stimulation, then the problem is probably one of arousal and emotions – as you guessed. I guess the trick is to take it really slowly. You’ll have to use the natural techniques, but go way back to square one – giving him time to get used to being with you physically at each stage until he can handle it.
      At the same time, there’s no harm in continuing after he orgasms. Sure, the arousal might drop right down for a while, but it can build up again. I think if he is happy to keep going and stimulate you in other ways afterwards, then be glad of that!
      And of course, you can also get him to masturbate one or two times before you meet. That should help a lot to reduce his arousal levels.
      Good luck with it!
      Ethan

  • my husband comes way to fast he lasts maybe 2 mins during intercourse sometimes he will come during 4play and I’m left unsatisfied. i’ve tried to talk to him its like he overlooks it or just don’t care. I have got to where I just don’t want him touching me bc of it. we have got to where we argue and fight bc I don’t want him touching me. is there anything else to do? am I trying to talk to him in the wrong way? or am I doing something wrong in bed? it all just started about a 6 months ago.

    • Hi Nicole
      Thanks for your comment. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had these problems with your husband. It sounds like it’s gotten to quite a serious level of difficulty between you, and it’s going to take some good communication between you to improve things. I don’t know if you’re talking to him the right way or not. But really, I think you need to have a good talk about what’s going on, and what you both want. The best thing is to be completely honest. Find a good moment to bring it up, and talk about the fact that you don’t want to fight, but want to fix the situation. He needs to know that the reason you don’t want any intimacy is because of the feeling of dissatisfaction it leaves you with. But you both need a plan to deal with it too. It will be much easier to tackle if you actually have some plan of action to help him last longer. That’s why I recommend that you do some research about the possible treatments and techniques for dealing with it. Then you can suggest those to him when you talk, and see if he’s willing to try them out. Hopefully he will be if he realizes that’s the only way that he will get to be physical with you too.
      All the best
      Ethan

  • My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 months now. Him and I were both virgins, or I better say I feel that I still am. We have tried to make sex happen, but he has also the problem of coming too soon in the attempt to penetrate me (which kind of seems very difficult) and it apparently puts a huge amount of pressure on his penis (as I can feel it myself as well) and always comes within 30 seconds or so before the penetration is done.
    Afterwards he tries to give me pleasure by fingering me in his despair to make up for the disappointment he has caused.
    He is obviously self-conscious and does not feel good about it, he has mentioned it even several times to me whether he has let me down. But I try to not put any pressure on him and tell him that I am sure that by passage of time, this problem will be fixed (although he does not believe it).
    I would appreciate some tips on what solutions are on the table for us. Especially when attempts for penetration for a virgin are made.
    Thank you in advance.

    • Hi Orchid

      Thanks for you comment, and sorry to hear you’ve been having this problem. I’m not sure if I totally follow – have you actually managed to have penetrative sex yet with him? Assuming you have, then really I think it’s a case of trying the tips in the article – there’s a lot there to be working on already. If there’s a lot of pressure, then perhaps you need to spend longer on foreplay and use a lubricant. Maybe have him use his fingers and tongue for a good length of time before you try to have sex. Then you should be more open and there will be less physical pressure, which should help him control himself better.
      Regards
      Ethan

    • Try weak painkillers, he will rock Ur world for a half an hour or more of he takes right amount. Or u can just try making him cum the first time and while he’s recovery which should take 15 min at most he can endorse oral or finger u. Every man knows this the first nut comes out like ketchup. Especially if u are excited. It takes 10 to 15 min on second sometimes longer. Or make sure he masturbates once a day, or u have sex every day. As long as he nuts everyday it will make it easier and easier.

  • my boyfriend and i have been doing just fine until a few days ago when i discovered that i no longer enjoy making love and he comes way too fast. just when i’m starting to feel him, he just comes, leaving me wanting more. we talked about it last night, and he said he has noticed that i no longer enjoy it and there is no way of dealing with this whole thing, he doesn’t believe on therapists and all, he says it just a waste of money… what do i do?

    • Hi Mandy

      Thanks for your comment and sorry to hear that your sex life has gone this way. Really, it’s a serious situation if you’ve decided you no longer enjoy making love to him. And in my mind something which needs to be addressed properly, otherwise it will affect your relationship as a whole. Is the reason purely his lasting time? Or are there other reasons? Before giving you any advice, it’s a key point to think about.
      Regards
      Ethan

  • Okay this is quite embarrassing for me. But I do not get wet down there, and I have trouble getting aroused. He tries to finger me or eat me out but I never feel like its good. The actual sex is great but he cums waaay to fast. And he knows but he doesn’t try to help it. I have no idea what to do. I feel like I’m not attracted to him and I know I am to him. But it is taking a strain on our relationship of nearly a year.

    • Hi Stacy,

      Thanks for your comment. Unfortunately it sounds like there’s a fundamental problem there before the sexual stamina even comes into play. If you’re simply not attracted to him, then that’s a serious issue. My advice would be to jump onto some women’s forums and get some advice from women about how to balance the feeling of liking a guy emotionally buy not being sexually attracted to him. I think you’ll get better advice there than I could possibly give you. If you do decide to stay with him, then you can always come back here and look around the website for advice on helping him last longer.
      Regards
      Ethan

  • Hi ,

    I’ve been with my partner for a yr and a half now and our sex life is quite passionless and scheduled ( 2 sometimes 3 times a week) and he doesn’t last very long. He use to last longer. ..
    I don’t know if he knows that I sometimes fake an orgasm so he doesn’t feel bad . He also expects oral sex , but doesn’t often return the favor. I think if I was being satisfied 2 or 3 times would be enough . But I’m being left sexually frustrated when he’s finished .
    We have spoken about some of these issues before , but I always feel like im nagging him for sex and he only gives it when he wants it. He’s also said that sex isn’t everything ? Am I doing something wrong? I’m not very vocal in the bedroom because I’m so scared of doing something wrong and being rejected .
    Needless to say I feel inadequate and haven’t had these issues in previously relationships. I just don’t know how and what to do ?
    The rest of relationship is fantastic and he’s great . We’ve talked about marriage and building a future together and we get on like a house on fire. But this aspect is really affecting me. I know he knows that he isn’t satisfying me sexually and feels disheartened .
    Please I need some advice .

    • Hi there
      Thanks for your comment, and I’m sorry to hear you’re having this problems. The first and most important point is that you have the right to a satisfying sex life, and also importantly a voice in the bedroom. It’s one thing is the guy (or woman) has a health issue which makes sex complicated. But if it’s things like not being equal in aspects such as oral sex, then that’s a different matter altogether.

      To be honest though, there could be all sorts of things going on here. Maybe, for example, the infrequency of the sex is making it hard for him to control himself. And maybe he’s resigned himself to that, and is therefore worried about constantly making himself look bad in bed by not lasting long. So he only has sex when the desire overcomes the worries. Or maybe after spending time together, the passion has naturally faded and needs to be injected back into your relationship.

      If I’m completely honest with you, I’ve been in a similar position before with an ex-partner. At the start everything was great and exciting. But then as time went by, we had sex less frequently. And when we did, I was too excited to be able to last long enough. But rather than do something about it, I just ended up on some weird auto-pilot looking back on it, I guess hoping it would be better the next time, but not really doing anything to ensure it would. Guys are quite good at burying their head in the sand with these issues, not accepting there’s a problem, and not being comfortable with talking about it.

      But talk about it is what must happen if things are to improve. If you’re going to spend your lives together, this needs to be rectified sooner rather than later otherwise it will only eat away at you and probably get worse.

      So my advice is two things:

      1) Talk to him openly and honestly, but at a time when you’re feeling close and loving. Perhaps don’t tell him you’ve faked orgasms. But Maybe stop doing it which might help him wake up a little bit and realise he’s the one who needs to do something extra. But do tell him how you feel and that you want things to be different. And tell him how you want them to be different – give him practical, tangible ideas rather than just say you’re not happy with your sex life. It’s teamwork after all – you need to work together to both satisfy one another.

      2) Perhaps look on some women’s forums for discussions about this kind of problem. You’re not alone in this, and there are several good forums out there where you can get good advice from women who have been in the same situation.

      I hope that helps a little,
      Ethan

  • Have any of you tried a fifi? Its like a sex toy for men. Me and my girl are in a long distance relationship and I started using that to masturbate instead of my hand and it helped me last soooo much longer when we would get to have sex. She got the red cause shes a redhead.

    • Hi there
      Thanks for the suggestion. I have tried one, but still prefer the fleshlight! It’s good in some ways that there’s the disposable sleeve thing, but it’s not so great for the environment.
      Regards
      Ethan

  • Im having the same problem with my boyfriend. When we first had sex, he lasted 20 mins before finishing I think and I still hadn’t finished. I’ve only been with 2 people in my life and I’ve noticed oral and finger stimulation does nothing for me. So vaginal sex is the only way I believe I can orgasm unless I’m masturbating on my own. Anyways, now it’s like the moment he’s inside me, he finishes and it already takes me a long time to get there. I clench my vaginal walls and make noise so that he thinks I came but the truth is I haven’t ever had an orgasm and we’ve been together for the last 8 months and only sexually for the last 7 months. I just don’t know how to bring it up to him. Also I’ve noticed that his physical features do not turn me on so maybe that’s the underlying problem, well that and that he can’t last very long. I don’t know what to do anymore.

    • Hi there

      Thank you for your comment, and sorry to hear you’re having these problems. I think that if you haven’t brought it up before, then really that’s the first step. Follow the advice in the article about talking to him, tell him you’ve got some practical ideas of how you can both last longer again. And importantly, remind him that he used to last for ages, so should be able to again!
      As for not feeling turned on by him, well that’s a whole other issue. Perhaps it’s in part due to not having that sexual connection with him anymore. Perhaps it’s a sign that things aren’t that good between you. Only you can really answer that one.
      Just to repeat though, in my opinion you need to talk to him and voice your desire to work on your sex life, and work on it together. I think that’s a key point – don’t just tell him he’s not satisfying you and he needs to sort it out. Tell him you wish he could last as long as he used to, and you want to try experimenting with some different techniques, positions or whatever. Many guys will be very happy if their partner says she wants to experiment sexually!
      All the best
      Ethan

  • Hey Ethan,

    So I’m a little late for this post but I’m at a loss. Sadly, I’ve already had multiple conversations with my partner about this issue. I don’t blame him for coming too soon it just sucks for both of us, and sometimes I react poorly. I can get angry because right as I am really getting started he tells me he’s done leaving me to feel left out and unsatisfied. It is so disappointing but I think my vocalizing my disappointment is damaging him, me, and our relationship. So, there’s the background. Do you think there’s a way to bring up that delay spray without totally crushing him? We have pretty spontaneous sex so…I don’t even know if that would work. What about any books you could suggest that would be non-threatening? I really can’t bring it up much more without it making him feel terrible. I need a mans advice but I can’t talk to anyone I know without embarrassing him. Thanks.

    • Hi Janie

      I understand the frustration, and you have every right to be bothered by it. I guess one way would be to just go ahead and get a delay spray and present it to him, preferably at a time when you’re both feeling very close and connected. The worst he can do is get angry, throw it away or refuse to use it. But maybe inside he’ll appreciate not having to make any effort to getting it, and it’s right there in front of him to try.
      Normally I’d say talking and working together is the way forward. When you have talked, have you talked about delay sprays, and any in particular? Or just generally about feeling unsatisfied? Maybe he’d respond better to specific practical solutions. You can present him with a simple ‘do you want to try this thing I heard about?’ yes or no question.

      I guess one problem though could be that they don’t always work for all guys. So if he agreed to use it, then it didn’t work, he might feel even worse. You do kind of need him to be on board with the idea of experimenting with different products – unless you get lucky first time. I’m just thinking out loud here, I hope you understand. There’s no real one-size-fits-all solution to the problem of a guy who doesn’t want to deal with it. But my instinct is telling me to try to get him with specific solutions as well as voicing your need for him to work on it.

      Importantly though is also working on your attitude towards him – forgive me for saying! If you are just reacting strongly, then of course he’ll feel bad, threatened and possibly unwilling to work with you. I think the key might be to talk to him in a loving and compassionate way, and not just after another disappointing sex session. Find a time when you’re cuddled up together, or walking or whatever brings you close. Then talk about practical solutions like the spray.

      I hope that helps! In terms of books, the best in my opinion are the two I talk about in the page about PE books. But since they are digital downloads and quite long, again you’d need him to be willing to look into it.

      I hope that helps! feel free to chat more if you want advice. It might take me a while to reply, but I will always reply.

      Regards
      Ethan

      • Hi,
        When I read this article, it felt as if your words, was my own! I cannot stress how frustrated I feel with my situation… Its heat sore… I’m so unhappy!!! And don’t know what to do. I have tried nice lingerie, nities, discussions, begging, asking, crying, yelling…everything there is to do…but with no satisfying end. His last response was..,”I’m to scared to have sex with u, because I can’t please u…” And with that being said, there is just no sex, no hugs, no kisses, no nothing at all!

        Its just terrible having a partner that does not want “it”…I have given up! We have been married for almost 12years and the past 2 years, I never want to repeat. Unfortunately it is not getting any better and it is affecting my feelings towards him and our marriage, but not according to him. I’m even considering looking for a Dom, a “Mr Grey” if that will “fix” me. Wanting sex all the time, mastrubating, having think about sex all the time! What is wrong with me??? Sexually I am so frustrated. In other areas, he is the perfect husband, helping with chores around the house and “pleasing” me in all other areas accept sexually.

        Its been 8 weeks since the last time he touched me…I am dying inside! I cannot continue this way…I’m broken.

        It has reached a point where I said that I cannot continue with this marriage anymore and his response was…silence, with the next day acting as if I have not said a word. This was 6 months ago…

        So, reading this article, just made me realize that there are other woman feeling exactly the same as me.

        Thank you for posting this.
        Regards
        D

        • Hi there,

          Thanks for your comment. I’m very sorry to hear that your marriage has gone down this path. It’s completely understandable that you feel so frustrated, both sexually and emotionally.
          You don’t mention whether or not the problem is him not lasting long enough, though I assume it is because you’re reading this article. If it’s the case, then you’re going to have to make a choice: either leave him if you really feel you can’t continue or find someone else on the side, or try a different way to talk to him about it.

          My advice would be to try the last option first of course, especially if he is great in so many other ways. For many guys, it’s a horribly embarrassing problem, and one which we don’t naturally talk about to each other or find much advice about randomly. It’s something which we have to deal with in our own heads for years sometimes, slowly becoming more and more helpless about it, not knowing what to do.

          I think the key is to both talk to him in a calm, loving way and also present some solutions to try. Do lots of research, using this website as a start, and educate yourself about all the options he has. Then you can tell him what you’ve discovered and ask him if he’s willing to try. Maybe an instant product like a delay spray at first because it requires no effort on his behalf. Then you can try suggesting he learns the natural techniques at a later date.

          You need to work as a team on this. So don’t allow him to be silent, but also don’t criticize or make him feel any worse. It’s a fine balance between inspiring a willingness to change and try new things and making him feel loved and wanted.

          Regards
          Ethan

          • Thank you Ethan. Reading what I wrote…I can’t believe I actually posted it…after Reading all the other peoples comments and advice…I just couldn’t help myself, also wanting to say what I feel and experience.

            We as a couple have always been loving and civil towards each other. Always respecting each other, caring, no bad mouthing or even fighting. Always communicating in a decent proper way.

            We have managed to talk more about it and he is really trying…and also said that he has been “absent” from our relationship.

            I am thankful for finding your blog and have done a lot of research. I think we have to “find” each other again…remembering what it was that made us fall in love! I have also learnt a great deal about myself…knowing now what I want….exploring and experiencing new areas of my life…our life.

            Everything in life comes at a price, so I will continue my journey, searching for what I need and want. It will be his choice if he wants to be a part of it. I hope that all can be restored and be better! Weather its with my partner or someone new, everyone deserves to be happy!

            Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it!

            Regards,
            Dorette

            • Hi Dorette

              You’re very welcome, and it’s great to hear that you’ve been communicating better about it. Everything you say sounds very positive, so I’m sure if he also brings the same level of positivity, and you work together with love on your side, you’ll manage to develop the kind of life you want together, and in every way.
              All the best
              Ethan

      • Hi,
        When I read this article, it felt as if your words, was my own! I cannot stress how frustrated I feel with my situation… Its heat sore… I’m so unhappy!!! And don’t know what to do. I have tried nice lingerie, nities, discussions, begging, asking, crying, yelling…everything there is to do…but with no satisfying end. His last response was..,”I’m to scared to have sex with u, because I can’t please u…” And with that being said, there is just no sex, no hugs, no kisses, no nothing at all!

        Its just terrible having a partner that does not want “it”…I have given up! We have been married for almost 12years and the past 2 years, I never want to repeat. Unfortunately it is not getting any better and it is affecting my feelings towards him and our marriage, but not according to him. I’m even considering looking for a Dom, a “Mr Grey” if that will “fix” me. Wanting sex all the time, mastrubating, having think about sex all the time! What is wrong with me??? Sexually I am so frustrated. In other areas, he is the perfect husband, helping with chores around the house and “pleasing” me in all other areas accept sexually.

        Its been 8 weeks since the last time he touched me…I am dying inside! I cannot continue this way…I’m broken.

        It has reached a point where I said that I cannot continue with this marriage anymore and his response was…silence, with the next day acting as if I have not said a word. This was 6 months ago…

        So, reading this article, just made me realize that there are other woman feeling exactly the same as me.

        Thank you for posting this.
        Regards
        D

  • I have had that same problem, but eventually had my girl masturbate me as soon as possible.
    That way it took a couple of minutes before I could have a proper erection, and sex could be enjoyed for much longer.

      • During foreplay and mutual masturbation I had her masturbating me untill I cum before we had sex.
        That way I took longer to cum inside her.

        • Hi Andera

          Yes, the principle of the ‘second go’ does seem to work. If you can get an erection again soon enough, then it’s a good way to last longer when you actually have sex.

          Regards
          Ethan

  • Hi,
    Reading your article has helped me understand a better way to approach my bf about our sex lives. I have tried to discuss the problem with my bf before, and how i haven’t had a chance to orgasm but he hasn’t really taken any action and just makes me feel like i’m the only one who wants more sex and longer sex. When i have asked for us to go again he always says he’s too tired and that hes drained out now. I have tried no foreplay on him before sex and that hasn’t helped much either. i just dont know how to tell him that its affecting me and quite frankly i dont even want sex anymore because whats the point if its only 1-3 minutes and he doesn’t even use his hands or mouth on me.
    would really appreciate your advice please

    • Hi Natalie

      Thanks for your comment, and I’m sorry to hear that like many women you’re having this problem with your boyfriend’s lasting time during sex.
      I think that most of what I have to say is already in the article and subsequent comments – which I also recommend reading if you haven’t already.
      I think that talking to him again is your best option, as well as of course trying to implement the things I talk about in the article yourself if you can.
      It sounds like he has gotten into a rather selfish pattern of going straight to the act of intercourse, abandoning foreplay (as many men sadly do as time passes…) and then not worrying about your pleasure. Or at least not appearing to worry about it.
      Sometimes I wonder whether guys end up in this weird situation where they know they have a problem, feel bad about it, but don’t know what to do. So they just kind of ignore it, hope it will get better every single time, and then not do anything extra for you because their hormones are still telling them they want sex, even if it only satisfies them. Who knows…
      But I think without him taking action, it’s unlikely to get better. So the trick is getting him onboard with trying different things. And that is 80% of the battle. That’s why it’s important that you get it right, and talk to him in the right way at the right time.
      The worst that can happen is that you start refusing sex and then get used to not having enjoyable sex. That’s likely to then affect your entire relationship.
      So be brave and talk to him again, but be compassionate and remember that this can be an extremely embarrassing and ‘manliness destroying’ thing to have to face up to. Be positive and constructive, and arm yourself with ideas to try so you can present ideas to him. Even if it doesn’t work at first, you might find he goes and investigates it in his own time and of his own free will.
      Good luck with it!
      Ethan

    • Have the same problem i just dont like having sex anymore and i let run to see how long he went before touching me and he went up to 3 weeks. I didn’t feel anything when he finally touched me i just dont say anything its annoying. He also comes really fast and when done he just gets away from me that’s why i dont even bother coming close to him (He do this when tired and i get pissed off). By the way this is the first i hold on that long too i was like you i would always want more but he didn’t care so i decide to just to quit lets see what happens. We have 6 years together. (Or you can try touching him after he first came and he him work up again that what i did cuz i know he comes fast and try to get it to get excited again and then go from there)

      • Hi Guadalupe

        Since you’ve replied directly to a previous reader, I won’t say too much. The only thing I would say is to talk to him! It sounds like things have gotten about as bad sexually as they can get. So you’ve got nothing to lose by talking to him about it and seeing if you can work together to improve your sex life.
        Regards
        Ethan

  • Hi, I’m really glad I came across this article. However this is my issue. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years and we have an 8 month old daughter together. We are 15 years apart with me being younger. When we first got together, he cam within a minute and this isn’t nothing I’ve never experienced with any of my previous partners so I thought, maybe it was me and he said” he cam very fast because he hadn’t had sex in a very long time and he was very excited”. I wAs very excited too, he was very attractive to me and I was very curious and extremely happy to wait for this moment for it to just turn out to be a disappointment. However, I didn’t give up, but it became a regular cycle every time we had sex, I was always given him oral and he rarely ever did me. It got to the point as to where he started to make the comment” oh well, I’ve gotten mine” and left me hanging and I wouldn’t say nothing. It left me wondering, was he cheating on me, what is going on. We’ve discussed this, tried different positions, etc but never was open to trying any meds and don’t want too. Sometimes we have sex more often than usual for example like 3-5 times a week or once a week. Here lately he’s lasted 5-8 mins and we’ve gone back 2 back within the last week and this went on for about 4 days. He’s really into porn, always looks at it on his phone and him and his buddies send pictures of females to each other. I’m really confused, what is going on with his body, does the age gap play a role into this? He tells me that’s all that I every want is sex but It’s not. Am I expecting too much from me?

    • Hi JNS

      Thank you for your comment, and the first thing to say is that you are definitely not expecting too much! I think both partners in every relationship have the right to want and expect a certain level of sexual satisfaction. And if you feel that he is not putting much effort into ensuring you also have a good time, then that is quite selfish of him. Now, whether he is having confidence issues due to his lasting time or not is hard to guess. It’s possible he is.

      I have to say as well that if he does have lasting problems, then only having sex once a week, or even once every 2-3 days is going to be difficult for him. Regular sex is one of the best ways for guys to develop stamina. But if he has some issue with regular sex, then that’s something you need to ask him about too! You don’t say how old he is exactly, but maybe he doesn’t have a very high libido due to his age.

      I think a key thing though is that you have talked about this before and taken steps to make things better. And I think that’s probably what you need to do again now. And also try to find out what’s with the porn. Most guys, even those in relationships like a bit of porn from time to time. But sending pictures to and from your mates regularly seems a bit odd to me for a man with a partner and a child.

      Something is clearly not right between you, and I think you need to open a proper dialogue with him about it. My suspicion is that neither of you are feeling fulfilled sexually, but for different reasons. And only by talking will you work out what you can do to find the common ground and develop a loving and sexually satisfying sex life.

      But just to reiterate…don’t ever question whether you are asking too much to be sexually satisfied by your man! You have the right to have a fulfilling sex life!

      I hope that helps a bit!
      Regards
      Ethan

  • My boyfriend comes literally as soon as he enters me but he carries on going. Hes been doing this since the first time we had sex. I’m not sure if he know that I know he’s came. He claims I’m ‘too tight’. I haven’t made a point of it when he does and just allowed him to continue until I can’t feel him anymore. It’s starting to frustrate me because after he’s done he won’t touch me again for a few days to almost a week. I’ve only been able to keep him hard after coming once with oral. We’ve used lube, and tried a variation of positions. We do foreplay and he’ll perform oral on me but he has never given me an orgasm and I’ve tried to show him how. I’ve told him that I wasn’t fully satisfied after sex a few times and asked for a second round, before he was up for it but recently he makes excuses like saying he’s tired or hes not in the mood. i am just at lost on what to do.

    • Hi there,

      Thank your for your comment, and sorry to hear that your sex life isn’t quite living up to expectations. What you describe is unfortunately such a common occurrence. Guys can be very quick to find an explanation which is usually a ‘compliment’ in disguise, such as “you’re just so hot I can’t help it…”. In your case there may actually be some truth to it, as if a guy is sensitive, then a tighter vagina can be incredibly difficult to cope with. But whatever the case, he clearly has quite a serious problem.
      It seems to me that you’re going to somehow connect as a team on this one. From the little you’ve said, it seems like a classic case of ‘resignation’ to something which is horrible but seemingly impossible to fix. For starters, he has to admit there’s a problem, both to himself and to you. And then decide to do something about it. My advice would be to find the best time to talk to him about it, when you’re both snuggling comfortably on the sofa with a glass of wine for example, and try to gently open up a dialogue about it. But not just after sex when he is probably feeling crap about himself, even if it’s subconsciously.
      You can tell him you’ve been doing some research, and have found some ideas of things to try. Maybe even buy a delay spray and show it to him. The worst he can do is refuse to try it, but he will probably be curious. And if it comes to it, show him this website and get him to sit and read it for a while, if you can. Even if he refuses, he might then secretly look at it and then get back to you.
      It’s a tricky one, but I honestly believe the best approach is to work on the lack of ‘teamwork’ first, and then the actual issue. You might find you end up having a lot of fun along the way!
      I hope that helps a bit
      All the best
      Ethan

  • Thank you very much for this advice. I have had this problem with my boyfriend but, we already practice a lot lot of these techniques. I also will take the advice of having more sex because we only do it about once or twice a week. Thank you again

    • Hi Loretta

      Thanks for your comment and I’m glad you found the article helpful. It’s great that you already practice the techniques. But yes, if he has problems with his lasting time, then only having sex once or twice a week is going to make it extremely difficult for him to control himself on those rare occasions you do have sex. If you have sex more regularly, I can almost guarantee you’ll see some improvement.
      Regards
      Ethan

  • After a year of amazing sex (seriously), things are getting more and more unsatisfying. He used to last about an hour and now it’s average of 5 to 10 minutes. He says it’s because I feel too good that he can’t control himself. But a year ago he seemed capable of control. I have become uninterested in sex because by the time I just start getting aroused, it’s over. No foreplay anymore either Unless I suggest it. He has started making comments that I’m not “present” but honestly what’s the point? It will be over in 5 minutes, less if I try to engage. He has tried to wait and calm down but it never helps. I’m feeling like the arse but he doesn’t seem to be trying. What to do? Also, rest of relationship is fantastic. :$

    • Hi Susan

      Thanks for your comment, and sorry to hear you’re going through this difficult period in your sex life. If he once lasted much longer, then hopefully he’ll be able to regain that level of control at some point. I think the main thing is to communicate with him about this. 5-10 minutes is actually the average time guys last for, so don’t be too disheartened just yet. With a little thought and some work, hopefully he’ll be able to improve on that time again. Maybe you need to talk together and try to work out what was different a year ago and now. Perhaps he used to try and control himself, but for whatever reason has stopped doing so. Maybe you did things differently, or spent more time in different positions. Maybe the foreplay you had before was helping you to get fired up and therefore not need so long with actual sex. Only you two can work these things out!
      But the first step, as I said before, is to open up a non-critical dialogue. If this is a problem, the best way to overcome it is with teamwork!
      All the best
      Ethan

  • Hi,
    My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. We are both happy in our relationship and have great sex but I would like him to be able to last a bit longer. I’ve never times it but sometimes he will only last a few minutes, and I’ve never been able to finish with him as I would need more time. On the other hand, he finishes every time and I’m happy about that. What are some ways to improve his lasting time? I know he wouldn’t want to try anything too artificial like anti depressant drugs, numbing sprays etc, but any other ideas would be much appreciated 🙂 Thanks!

    • Hi Crystal,

      Thanks for your comment, and sorry to hear that like many couples, you’ve been unsatisfied during sex. To be honest though, it’s all there in the article for you to read! My other suggestion would be to look around the website more:-)
      All the best
      Ethan

  • The idea of masturbating a couple of hours before having sex is a good one.

    Now, for the other side of the coin, lasting too long. Using the male g-spot is really good for that.

    • Hi there Long-Lasting,

      I’m glad you found a useful tip here. Though I’m a bit puzzled as to why you’re reading it at all with a name like yours!
      Regards
      Ethan

    • Hi jgley,

      Thanks, and I’m glad you found it helpful. I’d be interested to know exactly what techniques you tried with him and if it helped, if you have the time to come back and let me know.
      Regards
      Ethan

  • My husband lasts close to 7 mins. Maybe!! I love how we get so into it and we both get off fast, I just don’t know how to get him to be like he use to. He use to go down south or use his hands and stuff, 4 years later I only get a quickie!! And I mention it every time I want seconds, but I never get it. How can I get him back? Its like he’s scared to do anything. He also only gives it to me twice a month. I’m embarrassed to even give my real name.

    • Hi Deanna,

      Thanks for your comment, and sorry to hear you’ve been having issues with your sex life. To be perfectly honest, I’m not so much of an expert on reviving sex lives as my focus has always been on dealing with premature ejaculation.
      Unfortunately though, I think what you’re describing is all too common in long term relationships. Maybe you could try talking to him about it when you’re not in bed. Pick a moment when you’re feeling comfortable in each others company and try making some suggestions about spicing up your love life. Sex too often becomes a habit which gets less and less frequent, and the stuff which takes a little effort and is more one-side, like going south, gets neglected. So it’s up to both of you to inject some romance, passion, creativity and excitement again. And I’m not sure that’s something one person can do alone. You need to work as a team, and a team has to talk.
      Otherwise try searching online for women’s love and romance forums. There are lots full of great ideas from women who have been or still are in your position.
      All the best
      Ethan

  • Hi. This is really a useful piece of advice. I had big problems with my boyfriend with sex and don’t know what to do about it. But now think Im going to talk to him and see if he is willing to try some things you say can help. thank you so much!

    • Hi Jin

      Glad you found the article helpful, and hopefully you and your boyfriend can work through things together and improve your sex life.

      Good luck!

    • I have the same problem with my soon to be husband. We have been together for about seven years and this year we are getting married. I love him and I reall feel bad for him but, it is affecting me as well. I have brought it up to him but, only for him to get defensive and say that he never had issues before me that I always want it. But, I believe he is embarrassed and don’t want to think about it when we have sex I can literally time him he is done exactly 3 to four minutes. Sometimes I don’t have an orgasm because it over to soon. I don’t know what to do his sex is good for those minutes but, i am younger than him and I want him to last longer and produce more. When we are done I’m mad and I turn over and go to sleep and he says to me what’s wrong? I says nothing and than he says was it good and i lie and say yes

      • Hi there,

        Thanks for your comment, and sorry to hear that like so many women, you’re not satisfied by your partner’s lasting time. Hopefully you’ll have found some ideas in this article you can apply. I definitely recommend talking to him again about it. I think you’re probably right about him being embarrassed, but if you talk to him in the right way at the right time, then eventually you might be able to get him to work with you. But if you just keep it to yourself, it’s very unlikely anything will ever change. So I think you’re going to have to find the strength to work out how to broach the topic in the best way. But don’t allow yourself to give in and get used to this. It’s something which can be improved, so it should be. And actually 3-4 minutes is not bad statistically, so it shouldn’t take too much effort to increase that time!
        All the best
        Ethan

  • Just wanted to say thanks a lot for this article, it’s really helpful. My partner has had problems with this ever since we got together, and I think he knows it but doesn’t talk about it, and I feel bad to bring it up. I’ll have a think about talking to him about it because I really don’t know if I can continue like this forever if he’s never going to last longer than a minute or two. At least I have some ideas now that I can suggest we try, though I’m not sure telling him to practice on his own is my favorite idea…

    • Hi Jenny

      You’re very welcome, and thanks also for your feedback. It’s always great to hear that an article is useful:-)

      It sounds like you’re in a very common predicament, unfortunately. It’s your decision of course whether to talk to him or not, and I imagine there are some women who would never bring it up for various reasons. But if you care about him, and feel the relationship is threatened by this yet worth trying to save, then bringing it up might be a good way forwards. Then it will be down to his level of maturity to deal with what you say, and how you say it of course.

      But having some constructive suggestions should help as well. I understand your last point, and that’s fair enough. But if you do bring it up and he’s willing to listen and tackle it, you’ll also have to see what his opinion is about the best way to deal with it. Maybe he’ll be happy to try out a delay spray, but maybe he’s the type to want to really get stuck in and try to reverse the problem long-term. You’ll have to wait and see.

      Thanks again for sharing your story and all the best:-)
      Ethan

      • Hello there. I really like your sites page.
        Hope you can help me . i am 23 years old and I started masturbate when I was 13 . but I guest I am adic to this and cant stop masturbate I do it 3 to 4 times a day. Can you help me how to control may addiction. I will wait your reply.

        • Hi Zainiel
          Sorry to hear you feel it’s out of control. My personal opinion is that it just requires a moment of making a firm decision to reduce it, and then the mental strength to carry it through. But understandably it might be tricky for some guys. It’s not something I really specialise in though, so my advice would be to google it and see if you can find help. know there are some sites which give advice about it, though I’m not sure how great they are.
          Ethan

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