The worst thing is that you know why your sex-life is disappointing, but don’t know what to do about it.
You wish you could talk to him about it honestly, but you’re too worried that he’ll take it badly.
You just don’t want to shatter his self-confidence and make him feel inadequate. If this sounds all too familiar, then this article will give you plenty of good ideas to deal with the problem.
First things first – are you talking about it yet?
If you’re already talking about the problem together, then great. You’ve already taken the most important step. If that’s the case, you’re probably looking for practical ideas that will make your boyfriend last longer during sex.
If you’re reading this because it’s a problem which you’ve never spoken of, then that’s a different scenario altogether.
After the list of solutions there’s a section which should help you work out how to talk to him about it. You can skip straight to that if you prefer.
1) Develop ejaculation control naturally
There are a range of effective techniques you can do when making love to help your partner learn to control his arousal levels and ejaculation.
It can take some time to see good results, but it’s definitely worth giving it a shot. If you work together on the problem, this is the best way to actually cure it rather than rely permanently on desensitizing products.
I also think it’s a good idea to learn as much as possible about the problem. There are a couple of good premature ejaculation books which talk you through the background and the exercises step by step.
In many ways it’s helpful to present him with real solutions. You can give him the book, then leave it to him to decide to read it or not. I can guarantee he will!
To find out more, you might like to take a look at our recommended premature ejaculation guides.
2) Delay sprays
Delay sprays are especially useful for men with premature ejaculation due to physical sensitivity, but will also help most guys last longer. If your partner agrees to try one, you’ll probably see immediate results.
They contain a numbing agent which reduces his sensitivity, usually Benzocaine or Lidocaine. He would apply it shortly before having sex, wipe the remainder off so it doesn’t transfer to you, and off you go.
There are many different kinds on the market, so you might find our reviews of the best delay sprays helpful.
3) Benzocaine condoms
These kind of condoms also contain a numbing agent. They sometimes cause problems with maintaining an erection, but for some guys they can be really helpful.
If your boyfriend doesn’t have issues wearing condoms, they may help his level of control. Find out about the 3 most popular types of benzocaine condoms.
4) Thicker than normal condoms
This speaks for itself really – we all know that condoms reduce sensitivity, and so getting something like a Durex extra-thick condom can help. However, it may reduce your pleasure as well.
Doctors sometimes prescribe anti-depressants for premature ejaculation, and they have proven to be quite effective.
The problem is though that he would need to take them every day and it can take weeks to work properly. And he also then needs to deal with the possible side-effects.
In many countries you can now get Dapoxetine. This is only taken each time before sex, but still carries some risks of side effects.
6) Foreplay, and more of it
There’s a clever idea around arousal balancing which may help. The idea is that he spends longer on foreplay which focuses on you specifically, thus bringing your arousal levels higher while keeping his at bay.
7) Use oral sex to your advantage
This can work in two ways: he could bring you to orgasm through oral and manual stimulation first; or bring you almost to the point and then have sex at the last moment. It’s up to you two to decide what will work best.
8) Choose your sex positions wisely
The best positions are any with you on top, or sideways positions like spoons.
The worst positions are missionary and from behind on all fours or stood up.
The idea is that he needs to keep relaxed. Any position which involves him tensing his stomach, groin, thighs and lower back are bad.
It also helps to change positions, so if he’s getting too aroused then either you or he needs to change the position.
9) Have him masturbate before, or make sure you have sex more than once
Your boyfriend will always last longer the second time round. So think of ways you can make that work to your advantage.
10) Use lubricant
If your man feels pressure on the head of his penis when he enters you, it will make him come quicker. It’s as simple as that.
11) Remember to breathe
Breathing can play an important role. Remind him to slow down and take longer, deeper breaths if you hear him panting. On a wider note, try to help him keep relaxed during sex. If you feel him tensing up, tell him to keep it calm.
12) Have sex more often
If you only have sex once or twice a week then he’ll never last that long due to the excitement. Especially if he is not masturbating in-between.
Practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.
13) Set the right pace
If you’re going at it hammer and tongs, then your boyfriend will come too fast. Slow down, relax and enjoy a change in pace.
He may also find it helpful to sometimes stop doing such deep strokes, and just do smaller ones at the entrance.
And if even that’s too much, he can withdraw completely and give you some oral while he recovers.
14) Work on the sexual performance anxiety
If your man’s worrying about pleasing you, then he will probably end up ejaculating too soon. If he feels less pressure, and that you’re happy and enjoying your sex life together, then he will last longer.
So even if he does climax early every time, making him feel that you still enjoy the physicality will help in the long run. If you think he struggles with anxiety, have a read of this longer article about sexual performance anxiety, and see if he’ll look at it too.
Haven’t spoken to your partner yet?
Just how severe is his premature ejaculation?
- He comes during foreplay, before you even start having penetrative sex.
- He ejaculates very soon during sex, for example within a minute or two.
- He lasts for a good few minutes – let’s say the average time of 5 minutes for a guy, but it’s not long enough for you to have an orgasm.
- It’s a mix of all of the above at different times.
There are two ways of defining premature ejaculation. One is that he comes within 2 minutes of actual sex, or before. The other is that he comes before either you or he want him to.
But there’s a big difference between a boyfriend who always comes within a minute, and a boyfriend who lasts 5 minutes or longer, but still not long enough for you.
The first is clearly a bigger problem, and may or may not be harder to deal with. The second you may be able to work on together relatively easily using some of the tips in this article.
How do you tell your boyfriend he comes too quickly?
Jokingly slapping him in the face the next time your boyfriend orgasms too soon is not going to inspire him to take action.
But then neither is silence.
Only you really know your own relationship, your partner and yourself. There are no magic words which will fit every situation.
But one thing is for sure, talking to him about this is absolutely essential if you want to see change.
The reasons why talking to him about it is important
First of all let’s look at the reasons why communication is essential if you want your partner to last longer:
- All of the best options for fixing premature ejaculation involve his agreement. If he doesn’t accept the situation and take some responsibility, then things will probably not improve.
- He may need to do some personal ‘re-training’ to learn to last longer. Not in a training a dog kind of way, but in a ‘I’m taking responsibility and doing something about it’ kind of way.
- There are some excellent products which can help him last longer. But you can’t secretly attack his penis with a numbing spray. He needs to agree to use it.
- Finally, anxiety can play a big role. And one of the best ways to reduce that is if your man feels he can communicate with you about sex. And that you are working together as a team on the issue.
Picking the moment and having some ideas at the ready
Whatever the case, there may be no easy way of saying it that doesn’t hurt his feelings. But there are things you can do to limit his embarrassment:
- Pick the right moment. Not just after another session where he comes too quickly. Nor when either of you are stressed or busy. Find a moment when you’re both relaxed and enjoying each others company.
- Have some ideas of what you can do to manage the problem. If you do decide to tell him outright that you want to do something to help him last longer, then have some ideas at the ready. Don’t immediately flood him with them though. Wait and see if he’s willing to talk about it first.
- Try to be constructive and talk in terms of seeing what you can do to last longer. Don’t just tell him he has a problem and leave it at that.
- Despite that, you will need some level of honesty. But be sure to first tell him how much you love, like, fancy, respect or care for him. He may feel bad, or relieved when you bring it up, but be sure to make him feel wanted.
It’s really up to you to work out how to talk to him. Just remember to be non-critical. Try not to make him feel like a failure, and that you do enjoy getting physical with him.
It’s about making him feel wanted, and at the same time that you are a team who can work together to have the best possible sex.
You’ve probably got the message by now that the single most important factor is communication. Only when you are talking about it openly will the best techniques to help your boyfriend last longer become available.
The more of these techniques you put together, the better chance you’ll have of helping your boyfriend, husband or partner last long enough to satisfy you.
Just to summarize then, these are the three main ideas for you to think about:
- See if he’s willing to learn and practice the natural ejaculation control techniques.
- Try out a delay spray.
- Remember to put into practice all the practical foreplay and sex tips.
If he’s willing to try out natural techniques, or you want to know more about them yourself, I do recommend checking out our recommended premature ejaculation guides.