This is my story of coping with premature ejaculation, and why I did nothing about it for so long. If it’s a problem you also have, hopefully you’ll find it a useful motivator to deal with it, along with helpful advice about what you can do.
It might also provide some solace in knowing that you’re not the only man who’s suffered the embarrassment and frustration that it brings.
In the beginning: losing my virginity and confidence
Although not all men develop premature ejaculation because of rushed masturbation, I’m fairly sure it was a major cause for me. Honestly, I would just do it as fast as possible to avoid being caught in the act.
I also think I was just a bit unlucky when I lost my virginity. I was a late starter by modern standards, losing it at 19 with a friend of a friend I met in a nightclub.
After passionately making out in the club, we went back to my place in the early hours of the morning to continue the fun. By the time things really heated up, I was so excited from hours of close dancing, flirting, and foreplay that I didn’t even make it to sex the first time we tried.
I’d never heard of the term ‘premature ejaculation’, but I obviously realized it would have been good to last on the positive side of zero seconds.
I didn’t know it at the time, but my confidence in my sexual ability took a huge hit at that moment. Like most women, she kept any disappointment to herself and did her best to make me feel like it was alright.
Unfortunately, the second time we tried wasn’t much better, and so it slowly dawned on me that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing in the bedroom. These were pre-internet days (yeah, I’m that old!), so there was a limit to how much information I could access about sex and how to be better at it.
Just to make matters worse, I now know that I naturally have a physically sensitive penis. In hindsight then, I was probably always going to have problems with my stamina in bed, no matter how much anxiety might have also played a role following those first awkward moments.
The silence
Over the next few weeks, I discovered the true extent of my problem. If I went 24 hours or more without sex, I wouldn’t last longer than a minute on average.
If we had sex several times a day, I would get better each time, though rarely lasted longer than five minutes even on the third attempt. That also depended on her being willing to wait for that better second, third or fourth time.
Since I didn’t know anything at the time about the concept of sex not being only about penetration and orgasm, over the months we gradually had sex less and less.
Looking back, I wish we had spoken openly about it, but we just didn’t. It was the awkward elephant in the bedroom for a long time.
To this day, the only thing that I still find a little embarrassing is that for the next few years I didn’t speak to any partner about the issue or try to do anything about it. Not even when I was married.
Interestingly, no girlfriend ever tried hard to talk to me about it either, apart from my ex-wife sometimes jokingly insulting me when I came too soon.
Admittedly, we would sometimes talk about the fact that I often came too quickly, but never used language that suggested it was a problem that needed fixing. In fact, what happened is that we also had sex less and less often, to the point of almost never.
The excuses
I selfishly managed to conjure up the excuse that it was precisely because we didn’t have sex very often that I couldn’t handle the pleasure on the rare occasion we did have sex. While technically true, the reality is that it’s not a chicken or the egg situation. It was my fault for not addressing it sooner.
It was only after I split up with my wife (premature ejaculation wasn’t the reason), that one day out of the blue I admitted to myself that I had a problem.
Admitting that it was a problem came with mixed feelings. I felt bad that I hadn’t done anything about it sooner and more than a little bit embarrassed as I reflected on all the rubbish sex I’d had in the past.
How many times had my ex-partners silently wished I was better in bed? How many friends had they told about their disappointment with their love life?
At the same time though, I was actually excited by the idea of trying to fix the problem, wondering what kind of lover I might be if I could just deal with this one major issue. There was a glimmer of hope that finally gave me some motivation to tackle the problem.
First steps in dealing with it
For someone who spent years ignoring it, when I finally got round to dealing with my premature ejaculation issue, I became very dedicated to the cause. The fact that I eventually created this website says enough, I think.
The hardest part was admitting it was a problem, and everything else would simply be research and practical steps. Or so I hoped.
After reading a few vague articles on men’s health websites, I read one of the many self-help ebooks sold online. It was a bit expensive, but also very useful at the time.
Reading that book gave me two things: some hope and a lot of work to do. The key, apparently, to curing premature ejaculation was to practice the right techniques during masturbation and/or sex.
I found out though that it can take a while for these natural techniques to pay off fully. In the meantime, there were some tips I learned from the book which I could try out, such as breathing slower and avoiding the positions you find too intense like missionary or doggy style.
I tried putting together as many of the simpler tips as I could remember the next few times I had sex, and did see some improvements, but it was a bit hit or miss. Once or twice I found I could last a fair bit longer, but an equal number of times I only lasted a little longer.
Trying out desensitizing products
Because I suspected that I had a very physically sensitive penis, I thought it would be worth trying one of the desensitizing products that I kept reading about online as well as working my way through the ebook.
I first experimented with some benzocaine and extra-thick condoms. They worked quite well, but I found the numbing was a bit too much sometimes and I would have preferred a solution that worked without a condom.
I next tried Priligy, which comes in pill form, but it didn’t make enough of a difference for me to be willing to put up with the side effects.
I then tried several different desensitizing sprays and creams. Like the condoms, they sometimes numbed me too much though, leaving me frustrated that nothing seemed to help much.
After a lot of trial and error, I eventually discovered a delay spray called Promescent. This was the first time I found an on-demand treatment that consistently worked well for me.
It was still only a temporary measure, but seemed to be a very effective one that reliably helped me last longer every time (check out my Promescent review for more about that spray).
So now I had something which would help me to last around 10 minutes on average instead of just 1-5 minutes, which was amazing.
Still, I wanted to know if I could cure the problem outright rather than relying on products I would potentially need to keep spending money on, so it was back to the ebook.
Natural techniques to control your arousal levels
The ebook I bought promised to you to last longer without any pills, sprays, or creams, etc. Unfortunately, the one I bought is no longer available, but there are a couple of more recent sexual stamina guides that have very similar content and are equally good.
When I decided to commit to learning the natural techniques properly, I was newly single, so I had plenty of time to dedicate to them.
I practiced the techniques in the book almost every day, slowly but surely learning to understand and control my arousal levels.
It was after around two months that I had sex again, and finally had a chance to test the techniques for real. My dedication had paid off and the techniques clearly made a difference to both my confidence and my lasting time during sex.
Admittedly, the first time wasn’t a very reliable test because I was a bit tipsy and alcohol usually helps me last longer anyway, which I did. When having sex the next day though, I still found I was able to last considerably longer than I used to.
The funny thing is that I’d come to the conclusion that talking about it would help reduce my anxiety, so I told her I had an issue with my stamina in bed sometimes. It was a special moment when she looked into my eyes and simply said “Trust me, you don’t have a problem!”
Could I finally say that I no longer had a problem, and had beaten premature ejaculation in just a couple of months?
The ongoing situation
What I’ve now come to realize is that for the natural techniques to work long-term – at least for me – I need to stay conscious of them when I have sex.
If I get lazy and become complacent, my lasting time will slowly start to drop back down again. The step backward is even more apparent if I’ve been single for a while and not continued working on the techniques on my own.
If I abandon everything I’ve learned about arousal control, breathing, stopping when necessary, and many other important techniques and just go for it, it’s amazing how much sooner I’ll finish during sex.
The other problem is that I’ve still got a sensitive penis, and maybe it always will be. I think because of that I still have difficulties in some circumstances, mainly when I’m with a new partner after being single for a while.
Having said that, I think many men have trouble controlling the intense levels of arousal the first few times with someone new. When you’ve been single for an extended period, I think it’s important to have realistic expectations of what you can do.
For that reason, I think it’s probably good to have a desensitizing product as a backup plan as well.
My advice for you
If you’ve just started looking into premature ejaculation treatment, the most important thing I think you can do is to stay focused on finding the right solution for you personally. And if you do decide to give the natural techniques a go, don’t give up too soon.
As with so many things in life, accepting that you have a problem is the hardest part. After that, it might be a case of trial and error, and probably some time investment unless you’re willing to keep paying for desensitizing products.
For someone who studied Psychology, I still can’t believe it took me so many years to finally face such an obviously important problem. Don’t make the same mistake!
Updates
Three years later…
I originally wrote this article in 2013, and three years later I’m happy to say that things are even better. I finally feel like I’ve developed a solid understanding of my arousal levels and have good control during sex.
I’m now able to control myself to the extent that I rarely suffer from premature ejaculation. I often last at least 10 minutes, and sometimes longer.
If I don’t use a condom and feel particularly aroused, my time can still drop back down. But I’ve now become more confident in taking control of my sex life, and do all the right things to keep my arousal in check.
My advice is to get started learning how to control your arousal as soon as possible. It can be done, even if physical sensitivity is an issue.
Four years later…
In recent months, I’ve been experimenting a lot with the concept of satisfying my partner in other ways when we make love. We both enjoy oral sex, and so I’ve been playing around with three different ideas, with a lot of success.
The first is to bring her to orgasm through oral before we even have sex. This takes all the pressure off me, satisfies her, and ensures I’m still full of excitement during the whole experience.
The second is to take full control and tease her for a long time, starting and stopping oral sex repeatedly and teasing her whole body. She then tends to orgasm faster when I eventually move on to penetrative sex.
The third is to have sex normally, and if she doesn’t orgasm, switch to oral sex to finish her off if she’d like me to (sometimes she’s fine with just stopping, especially if she feels she just won’t come on that particular day).
All three ideas have improved our love life a lot, and it’s good for both of us to have that variety. She never knows what my plan is exactly, and that helps keep things fresh too.
In the meantime, my control just gets better and better. The combination of practice, confidence, and still working on this website and so keeping up with the latest ideas about premature ejaculation are probably why.
Seven years later…
It’s been a long time since the last update. So here’s the good news: I don’t feel like I have premature ejaculation anymore. Not that it’s never a problem, just that it’s infrequent enough that I wouldn’t say it’s a major issue now.
I still feel that making oral sex a big part of our sex life – every single time without fail – made a massive difference. I also believe that the simple stuff makes a big difference too: not going too long without sex or masturbation; not pounding away like a jackhammer in positions like doggy style; wearing a condom; breathing slowly and calmly.
All those things might sound like gimmicks, or that there must be more to it – some magic pill or insanely complex trick. But actually, the basics play a significant role in my experience, so don’t neglect them. The good thing is that techniques like those are all free as well.
Sure, some men might benefit from professional advice, medication, sprays, or condoms. For others, just some technique adjustment and attitude tweaking can help immensely.
Nine years later…
It’s 2022, and I’m still updating this article! I’m very happy to say that I would no longer describe myself as having premature ejaculation at all. Quite the opposite in fact. I’m very satisfied with my sex life these days, feel full of confidence in the bedroom, and can last for a very long time sometimes.
The only new thing I’ve done since the last update is to start practicing yoga and meditation on a daily basis. I do feel that this has also helped me in the bedroom because I’m more in tune with my breathing and bodily tension. If I spot myself breathing too fast and shallow, or tensing my body too much, I adjust what I’m doing and focus on staying relaxed.
Other than that, learning to communicate openly about sex with my partner has helped too I think. The more you talk about sex together, the less stressful any problems can be as you’ll be dealing with them together.
You might also like
I’ve written a lot about this topic, and sex in general, on this site. I try to provide a good amount of free information, and reviews of products that aren’t too expensive, as well as cover some of the more costly options.
If you want to get started with a basic technique, I recommend reading my take on the classic start and stop technique. It’s very simple, and I found it helped a lot. It’s also a core method in every premature ejaculation guide I’ve read.
And if you’re interested in trying a desensitizing product, have a look at my reviews of delay sprays and also of benzocaine condoms.
One final note – please share your thoughts in the comments below. Feel free to rant or ask questions.
Great comments. I can add for anyone who feels they’ve wasted so much time in their lives that I’m 61 and just starting to work on it seriously. The last 10 years with a fairly highly sexed GF have taught me some things and my technique was usually to bring her to the brink before penetration. She’s very straightforward and I’m sure she wasn’t faking orgasm. Only now, do I realize that the physical part of our relationship was still lacking to her to some degree.
So don’t fret about wasted time. Just move forward from where you are.
Hi John
Thanks for the positive words! I think your technique of bringing her to the brink is an important one, and one that works well usually. But yes, if you can then find a way to also last for a longer time during sex, that’s also great.
Ethan
Hi, my name is Linus and i’m still a teen (15 to be exact), and i was just wondering if the natrual techniques will help me even though i don’t have or have had a sexual partner?
Hi Linus
Well, technically they can help you develop your sexual stamina. But honestly, I don’t think you need to worry too much about these issues for now. The best thing you can do is simply not rush masturbation.
Ethan
Nice write up. Issues well addressed. wasn’t able to get a copy of the eBook Ejaculation trainer probably because I’m from Nigeria. would be most grateful if a copy is sent to me via email. tnx
Hi Frank
Glad you like the site. Ah yes, I’ve had others from Nigeria say the same. Unfortunately I’m not at liberty to send you a copy for free as it’s not my eBook to send how I choose.
Ethan
My husband has premature ejeculation problem ,thank you so much for your advice
Hi Isidia
You’re welcome – I hope the advice helps you both.
Ethan
Thank you for making this site ethan.. it is one of my dream of building a group where we can talk and discuss the problem.. i also have the same problem and i think we should do our best to combat the situation.. i can feel all of you, the disappoinments, the heartbreaks, the pain the frustation and what you are all going through.. masturbating faster in order not to get caught, too much arousal and also learned that i have over sensitive penis.. been suffering for 8 yrs i think.. 3 yrs ago tried diff. Techniques that didnt work out and in desperately finding a solution for my tearing relationship because of my PE I decided to try sildinafil citrate.. i can also last less than a minute, after jerking off and doing it for 2nd round it goes hard rock and that lasted for 15-20mins.. the problem of sildinafil citrate is you build resistance over the drug where your body will be used to it and will not be effective anymore, i did go for 100mg which is too high and build resistance to my body.. i recommend you start from the lowest dose and start talking to your healthcare provider before using it.. i also used Priligy, pop it 40mins before engaging in sex my experienced is that 2 weeks after using it i didnt see any significant result but i think it was still quite helpful.. heres the ironic part, i stopped using it for one week and did not have sex.. when i tried to have sex again without using the product I lasted for 10-20mins.. it feels so great to have controlled my orgasm that long.. i experienced it for one week, i am so happy but when i the time i was going long my partner told me that i should hurry up because shes going to be late at work and i think it rewired my brain again into coming faster.. we decided to reserve a date to go to a hotel and i think i over anticipated it.. i also bought a pack of priligy again just to be sure that i would last long but didnt work out and after that i am back with my PE.. i am working abroad away from my partner right now and we decided to get married this dec. So im working it hard right now before that day.. my conslusion is that psychological aspect really matters.. right now im still back in the first base but what gives me hope is that i experienced lasting longer up to 20mins.. i did it once and i know i can do it again.. i will share my experience again in the progress that ive been doing and hope i can give light to others too.. again, my sincere appreciation for sharing your experience and being our voice ethan.. Godbless everyone
Hi there
Thanks for your comment and for sharing your experience and thoughts in such detail. It’s always useful for others to read about different men’s experiences with these problems.
It seems like you’ve had quite an unpredictable journey, with some surprising results from the different things you’ve tried. As you say though, if you had such a good improvement once, there’s no reason why you can’t again. And in some ways, it might be helpful to accept and be at peace with the idea that sometimes you’ll last much longer than others.
Have you tried many of the natural techniques too? You mention different pills, but nothing about learning ejaculation control naturally. Perhaps that will be of use to you too.
Do keep in touch and let me/us know how your progress goes!
Ethan
material was good give me more to stop early ejaculation. I sincerely loved your articles.
Hi Arthur
Glad to hear it!
Ethan
Really helpful article, thanks. I have a very similar story to you. Taken me a long time time really ‘get’ what’s been going on. But now I’m going to do something about it hopefully. Your story has given me hope that I can sort it out. Shane
Hi Shane
I’m glad to hear the article was helpful. I’m sure you’ll be able to deal with your PE too, so keep trying different techniques and stick with it!
Ethan
Honestly I’m a woman and I love PE.
Hi
Why is that?
Ethan
I’ve suffered from this my entire life until I started taking anti depressants, (Paxil, Symbolta ,Zoloft.) They make me last almost too long!! It is a great feeling knowing that I’m pleasing my partner even though she’s finished and wants me to come!!
Hi Brian
Thanks for sharing your experience. I haven’t heard from many guys who take anti depressants for PE, so it’s useful to know it does work for some.
Ethan
honestly PE has rubbished me so badly. Pls from your own experience, do advice me to use tramadol or better look for natural techniques.My wife has told me to my face that it’s either I provide her with a partner to satisfy her or she finds for herself. And how can I share my wedded love with another? But my most fear is the tendency of losing her because she’s the source of living good.
Hi Kenneth
Sorry to hear you’re having trouble with your partner because of this. I can understand your worry – it must be painful to think you’ll lose her if you don’t solve this problem. To be honest, I usually don’t recommend Tramadol because it’s a strong medication and I’m not a doctor. So I don’t feel it’s right to tell people if they should or shouldn’t use it. All I can say is that in my experience it does work.
My advice would be to try different techniques to improve your stamina. The natural techniques can be very helpful, but they take time to master. So if you’re in a desperate situation, I think maybe you need something that helps now, and then work on the natural techniques too. So for example, wear a condom and use a delay spray. That double combination of desensitizing can make a big difference! Also, take a good look around this site and my other articles about PE. You’ll find a huge amount of advice here.
Ethan
Ethan, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m going through a similar process at the moment of trying to deal with the issue time is causing in my relationship. Your success has given me some hope that I can fix it.
Mark
Hi Mark
You’re welcome, and I’m happy to hear you’ve found some hope here. I’m sure you’ll be able to tackle it successfully if you put your mind to it.
Ethan
Hi,many thanks for very useful website. a lot of practical tips compared to “ejaculation trainer” which i found more theoretical. Would you mind to share what was your routine when you learned natural way? As I get it you practiced kegels/reverse kegels and stop-start. Would it be useful to practice stop-start with stamina training unit? Have you done any specific exercises for arousal control? And one more question if possible – are you doing any exercises now to maintain your gains?
Sorry for lots of questions and thank you for your work and great inspiration what you are giving!
Hi A
I’m very happy to hear you found the website helpful and inspiring – thanks for saying so!
So to answer your question, I started off just doing the stop-start on its own. I can’t remember how long after, but I did then get the stamina training unit and found it very helpful because I was single for a while. In hindsight I think it kept me in shape in terms of being used to serious stimulation and friction. It also gave me confidence for when I got a new parter, knowing that I’d been practicing for a while, so didn’t feel so worried about how I’d cope with the sudden jump from normal masturbation to vaginal sex.
And yes, I did a lot of arousal control exercises, but mainly conceptual stuff like looking out for, studying and learning how my body operates during sexual stimulation. Then combining that knowledge with the stop-start and kegels and slowly but surely gaining a better understanding of when I needed to slow down, change position, relax etc etc.
Nowadays I don’t do specific exercises on a regular basis as I currently live with my girlfriend. However, I still pay a lot of attention to my arousal levels during sex, paying attention to key things like my breathing, relaxation of the pelvic floor muscles and the position and speed of sex.
And a trick that works like magic for me is to simply pull out when I’m really getting to the point where I’m just too aroused to keep stopping and starting for a meaningful amount of time, and give my partner oral sex for a while. She loves it, even if she complains at first when I pull out, and I get a proper cooling off period. Sometimes I’ll then go back and forth between sex and oral, which drives her crazy, and sometimes I’ll finish her off randomly, then allow myself to finish feeling good about the fact that we both came.
It depends on how happy you are to switch between oral and penetration of course, but if you don’t mind, it’s an awesome way to keep things going for ages and give both of you an orgasm. The only catch is being able to maintain the erection even when you’re not inside. So if you have erection difficulties, it’s better to just stop once and finish her off, or do it at the start and then have sex.
Ethan
Pheeeww……………
Feel kind of relieved after going through your story, coz at some point, the PE problem feels like a curse on me. As in, research indicates its a sexual dysfunction experienced by atleast 20% of men, but then, why the hell do i find myself among that percentage.
There are many lines of your story that contrast with mine, though you don’t mention your age coz am only 24 and am worried when i will put an end to this problem that has completed ruined my love life.
Unfortunately for me, am from Africa and most of the remedies talked about on internet can hardly be found on market here in Africa.
Nevertheless, i have tried the antidepressants (fluoxetine in particular), some supplements, and even the desensitizing condoms, spending pretty some figures of money on all that and none could even grant me a slight improvement.
I was almost getting to a conclusion that my PE is so severe that it’s beyond treatment, coz honestly speaking, i have never lasted beyond 1 minute, most times i thrust in and out like ten times and find that i have already released even without my notice.
Apparently, i had resorted to one solution, that’s avoiding engaging in sex, which is pretty hard to cope up with but then better off than spending huge chunks of money paying doctors to prescribe for drugs that won’t give any help.
Hi Geofrey
Sorry to hear you’ve had such a difficult time because of this, and have spent money on things that don’t work. It’s not wasted money though, because at least you can narrow down your search for something that will actually help. In the absense of a one-cure-for-all solution, sometimes it just takes time to do some trial and error. It’s of course a pain that it can cost money, but ultimately, it’s money well spent if you do find the right treatment some time.
Perhaps if those things haven’t helped, you might benefit from trying some behavioral techniques instead of desensitizing or medication. Have a look at the long article I wrote about lasting longer in bed, as I try to cover lots of different techniques there. I recommend putting as many of them into action as possible and see if that helps. You can even practise many of them while masturbating, which will give you a chance to see if you’re actually getting any better at control.
And very importantly, I’d say don’t give up! Don’t avoid sex, just try to see it as a serious life challenge to face, tackle and overcome.
Ethan
I can understand, such condition results in demotivate and lose in
self confidence. But its always good to consult a sexpert and not to
suffer in silence.
Hi there
If you have access to such a person, the money and don’t feel embarrassed, it would probably help, yes!
Ethan
Hi Ethan,
I’m thinking of giving the Ejaculation Trainer a try but I have a question. I’m 18, but since I was around 12 I used to masturbate constantly & everytime I would rush it so fast & when I got to around 13-14 I would go so fast that I can finish under 15 seconds masturbating! As you can I trained myself into cumming fast badly! I’m wondering with the right practice and techniques and dedication, how long would it take me to retrain my body/brain & overcoming premature ejaculation? weeks? Months?
Hi there
It sounds like you did what so many guys do, but don’t worry – it can definitely be reversed. Your question is slightly tricky to answer, because really it depends on a range of factors such as the person, how bad the problem is, the time and effort you put into it and how well you understand the concepts and techniques for example. However, I think that all guys should notice a difference within a couple of weeks, and after a month or two be making good progress. After that, it’s just a matter of what your ultimate goal is and how long you’re willing to keep practicing the techniques for. I also think that in some cases, the knowledge itself of what to do can make an instant difference to your lasting time. It really depends on how open you are to what you learn and how good you are at just deciding to change the way you do things. So I’d say give the guide a go, don’t expect miracles, but you will definitely see progress sooner rather than later.
Ethan
very inspirational guide
Thanks Kojo, I’m glad it is!
Ethan
Your article is really inspiring…thanks. I have several issues with me and I will like to share them with you.
1. I get aroused and even an erection during foreplay but I notice that the hardness sometimes reduce when I penetrate.
2. I don’t last up to a minute after which I go soft.
3. It takes up to 5mins or more before my next erection.
4. Have tried the stop and start method many times and it’s like I just can’t control it. I even try to masturbate before sex but it’s still the same timing. Honestly speaking, I no longer go into relationships.
5. The worse part is my 2nd, 3rd and 4th round doesn’t reach 2mins, that’s even if she’s patient enough. I wish I can get a permanent solution to this problem because have lost many relationships and even my confidence due to this problem. Please I need help…thanks.
Hi Oluwafemi
I’m glad you found the article helpful! Let’s see if I can answer your questions and concerns.
1. This is quite common. Sometimes it’s because you need to find a different position where you feel more stimulated. But as long as you’re still reasonably erect, it’s ok that it’s not 100% all the time.
2. In this case, you need to try some new things to improve your stamina. I know in point 4 you say you tried the start and stop method. Have you tried other techniques, such as using a desensitizing spray or a condom? If you have erection problems sometimes, to be honest you might also have some difficulty with sprays. However, it’s at least worth trying.
3. 5 mins is actually a very fast recovery time! So you have nothing to worry about there at all.
4. I would say still keep practising the technique. Get a fake vagina and use that to practise. Maybe you need to read more about the technique, and how to understand your arousal levels. My advice is to do more research and keep practising. As for relationships, I know this happens to many guys. But don’t be afraid to start something with someone you like!
5. I understand. It’s not easy, but I think it’s important to recognise that you’ve done the most difficult thing – accepting that you have a problem. And because you seem willing to work on it, try to see that as a positive thing. Life is full of challenges, and if you can see your sexual stamina as a challenge rather than a confidence-killer, then you’ll have a better chance of tackling it.
Stay positive, keep trying to work on it with different techniques and eventually you’ll improve!
Ethan
Hey Ethan,
If all goes well, I’m getting married after 7 months or so. I’m from a conservative background, so I never had sex. However, I have really rushed orgasms when I masturbate, so I’m suspecting I have a PE problem. I’ve recently started looking into the issue, and your site has been an amazing resource. I’m super serious about getting the problem fixed (to the best of my abilities) in the coming months before marriage. I’m maintaining a notebook and everything to properly understand all the relevant techniques and such you’ve written about. For someone who’s just recently discovered the problem, would you be willing to give me any pointers or advice? Thanks again!
Hi Hasan
It’s great to hear you’ve found the website so useful! To be honest, I think 7 months is enough time to train yourself to last longer when masturbating. My advice would be to just practise the start and stop technique a lot, preferably with a fake vagina, or at least with lubricant. You can add all the other techniques you’ve read about too, but for me that’s the best one. If you have the money, perhaps get one o the guides I recommend too as they contain lots of in-depth information and tips. Otherwise, just keep practising at home!
All the best with the wedding when it arrives!
Ethan
do any of the desensitizing sprays and ointments affect the female anatomy?
Hi DJ Maho
They can certainly cause discomfort and numbing in the same way they can to a guy if too much is used. That’s why it’s important to wait until they start working, then wash the residue off before having sex.
Ethan
Can a virgin 30+ years old man have pE as a result of being a virgin for a long time?.
Hi Jack
It’s impossible to say. I don’t think age necessarily has that big an impact. Many guys don’t lose their virginity until their 20s or 30s. Some have PE, some don’t. Some do to start with, then improve rapidly. So my advice would be not to worry about it until you have sex and it happens – because it might not!
Ethan
I think it’s awesome you wrote this. Good for you and I’m glad things have improved. I personally love a good pounding but I bet you’d love to give a good pounding. It’s so much fun. I hope you’re able to now. Here’s the thing. I don’t have a problem with a man who comes quickly. If my anatomy was built in such a way that it was surrounded by the a thing that causes orgasams the entire time I was having sex, I know I’d be a preemie. I’ve orgasmed in less than a minute with a vibrator. So I really feel for you guys. I understand. What I have a problem with is you thinking sex is over because YOU’RE done. Excuse me buddy, this was a team effort just a second ago. What the hell happened? And man, am I a team player. Even when I’m sick. Maybe I have a ‘women’s situation’ going on and my lower regions out if commission. I’ve still got a mouth and hands. I’m right there on the field, working hard and aiming to win. Why not help your partner out, even when YOU’RE done? Don’t worry so much about premature ejaculation, worry about making your partner happy.
Hi Peetree
Thanks for your comment and supportive words! It’s always good to hear from a woman who’s read the article and enjoyed it. It’s also useful for readers to read women’s views on the topic. I totally agree that it’s a problem if a guy declares game over after he finishes – especially if he finishes quickly. There’s so much more to sex that just penetration, so it’s a guy’s responsibility to ensure the whole team is looked after!
Ethan
Hi Ethan
Thanks for sharing your story, it really gives me hope that there is a solution for this.
I also suffer from PE which I believe was due to over masturbation in my teens! My first few sex experiences was no problem, as all of them happened when I was blind drunk! The problem came in when I did it sober! It did not really bother me for a while, until recently!
I have found the woman of my dreams, and we are great together. The sex however is now becoming an issue! I can never have sex continuously for more than a minute, without pulling out to stop ejaculation! But during this time, I always went to oral sex and gave my gf some amazing orgasims. After which we continue to have sex until I climax! She has now confessed to me that our sex is not really satisfying anymore because she always orgasm from oral sex and not penetration and she wants more “closeness”! This just crushed me as a man, and I have such low confidence now! So I have decided that I want to overcome this issue, but I would like to ask for your help!
I bought the promecent spray, but the problem is that it takes 10-15 mins to take affect! How can I introduce it into the relationship, without “making an appointment” that we will have sex tonight? She is fully aware of the spray though!
Then, is there any books to recommend that will help me? I see everyone speak about edging etc?
I would really appreciate your help.
Goodluck to everyone suffering from the same issue! May we all overcome this horrible issue and enjoy the time with our lived ones!
Anonymous
Hi there
Thanks for your comment, and I’m glad you found the article helpful. Sorry to hear you’re having the same issue, and were landed with that bombshell! However, it’s good that she’s honest and it gives you an opportunity to do something about it – as you say – so you can both be as satisfied as possible. That’s better than the women who keep it to themselves for years, slowly getting more and more annoyed and then avoiding sex completely!
So, if the promescent is working for you, that’s great. I don’t think you need to worry about making an appointment. You can just keep it at the ready, and when you do feel that sex is on the cards because there’s some foreplay happening, you can just be open about it. Put the spray on, then go back to the foreplay until the 10-15 mins is up.
If she’s that honest with you, then I think the trick is to see the problem from a “team” perspective. Tell her that this is the best way for the spray to work, and then just try to fit it into your foreplay and sex as best as possible.
Then in the meantime, yes, things like edging are your best shot at overcoming it naturally in the long-run. You can check out one of my recommended premature ejaculation books if you want lots of info. about these techniques and more suggestions. But also, have a look around this site as I’ve written a lot myself about the techniques you can try. I particularly recommend an article I wrote about ways you can last longer tonight. There are lots of tips there which can be put into practice right away.
All the best
Ethan
Hi Ethan,
I started seeing a guy (he is 29) who might have the same problem, but we haven’t talked about this yet. Basically, there is a pink elephant between me and my partner. I need to talk to him about this, but I don’t know how to start this conversation without making him feel uncomfortable. What would you suggest?
Alexandra
Hi Alexandra
I understand your concern – it’s not an easy subject to bring up and discuss with a guy. Lots of women end up keeping quiet about it for fear of upsetting their partner, or because they raise it once and don’t get the response they hope for. I think the main thing is to be gentle about it, and try to approach it constructively – have some ideas at hand and say you want to work together to try some things to increase how long you have sex for. Try not to criticise, and choose your moment carefully – not straight after a disappointing sex session. Find a time when you’re both close, start a conversation about sex and slowly bring up the idea of trying stuff to last longer. At the end of the day, it’s a fine line between making sure you get him to understand your needs, and not attacking his pride so that he clams up. Every guy will react differently, so only you will know how to really tackle it with him. Just to emphasise again, I think it’s good to have some ideas at the ready, such as a delay spray or only being in positions where it’s easier to last, such as spoons or you on top. Avoid missionary and doggy for example. Get him to use a condom, and go in for a second round.
If you don’t have any luck, let me know how it went and I’ll see if I can suggest anything.
Ethan
Thanks for this article! I’ve had issues with coming too fast for my whole life, and I’m at the point where I was considering a sex therapist to help me be better for my wife. I will take a look at the book and spray you suggested, even 5 minutes regularly would be awesome!
Hi Dan
You’re welcome! I’m glad you found the article useful. I think a sex therapist can be very helpful, but if you can deal with the problem yourself it’s worth giving a shot in my opinion. Unless you think your problem is psychological or emotional, in which case go for it if you have access to a therapist.
Ethan
I can totally identify with your story because I’d a similar one… glad to read this.
Kris Lovelock
Hi Kris
I’m happy you found the article useful!
Ethan
This is the second article I have read by you and it’s truly inspiring. I am currently doing the stop-start method to improve my duration in sex. I hype myself up by literally collecting the data. The following has helped me out a lot:
-I set a timer on my phone for 10 minutes and 30 seconds
-I masturbate and record the time I stopped at before the “point of no return”
-I wait a minute
-and I resume masturbating.
-I stop at the point of no return and record the time elapsed
-at the end of the 10 minutes and 30 seconds, I find the average of my duration.
I do the stop-start method every other day. Tomorrow will be my 4th day and I’ve been seeing nothing but improvements. Jumping from 36 seconds to 52 seconds in 3 days (and these are just the averages! My first interval improves every other day!).
With my girl friend away for college, I have about 3 months to practice and improve my stamina. I have a couple questions though.
1. Given my short durations during masturbation, would it be helpful to increase the timer to 20 minutes rather than 10 and a half minutes? Also, should I do this every day for optimal results? My thoughts on doing it everyday is that the penis is like a muscle, you need to give it time to relax. Please correct me if I’m wrong. Do I need to give my penis a break and go with the “every othe day” routine, or will doing the stop-start method daily yield better results?
*Note* the average duration i mentioned above (36 to 52 seconds) is short for a reason, I believe. The first time i take a break is the longest time I last during masturbation, if that makes sense. For example, my first interval now lasts around 70-80 seconds. My second interval will be around 60. And it’ll slowly decrease to the low 20s (seconds) before my time is up and I allow myself to ejaculate.
2. I was able to significantly improve my performance anxiety that was hindering my erection. Initially, I couldn’t get hard enough to even wear a condom. Now i get “hard enough” to put a condom on. I would still love some tips on how to maintain a hard erection. My gf says it’s okay if I don’t get fully hard. And I know she means it; however, I’d still love to maintain a rock hard erection to make sex easier– not to mention to increase the pleasure for both my partner and i. Speaking to her about having trouble maintaining an erection has truly helped. I’d appreciate any additional help!
Thank you in advance,
-Vick (Pseudonym to remain anonymous)
Hi Vick
Thanks for your comment and compliment – I’m glad you found my articles useful and inspiring!
Well done for really getting stuck into practicing this technique – and well done for already making some improvements. I’m sure you’ll continue to increase that time over the next couple of months.
To answer your questions:
1. I don’t think it matters really. When doing kegels it’s important to take rests. But the start stop I think can be done every day if you like. I don’t see any harm in doing so. However, I don’t have and evidence to say which works better – every day or every other day. But from personal experience, I think the more you practise, the better you get.
2. You might find it interesting to read an article I wrote about not getting erections with new partners. It might not totally apply to you, but still might have some useful ideas.
Ethan
I am not circumcised, I’ve been looking into it lately, I have heard lots of mixed reviews on whether the decreased sensitivty increases time or not, was wondering what your thoughts on it were
Hi
I’ve heard that it can reduce sensitivity, yes. But I’m not sure it’s a good reason to get circumcised!
Ethan
Having worked in the Medical Field, the biggest issue is that the procedure on an adult is a major one. It is not like a quick snip on a child. It is not open heart or anything but I would sure talk to the Doc about the pros and cons.
I’m a woman so I don’t have a penis and I can’t know for sure but both uncircumcised men I’ve been with lasted long in bed. There was no problem. It’s a hard decision for you and one that can’t be undone. You may get rid of that foreskin and last longer but you may also never feel as good : / I might rather shoot myself. That may not happen though. These will be your possible outcomes: you’ll last longer but never feel as good, you’ll last longer and feel just as good or you won’t last longer as you won’t feel as good.
Thanks for the article. How does one find out that they have a hypersensitive penis?
Hi zmk
You’re welcome! Hmmm that’s a good question. Perhaps there are medical definitions, but for me it was just a case of acknowledging the fact that it feels extremely sensitive to the touch. And when I had any sexual contact, sometimes it was so sensitive I would almost jump due to the sensation!
Ethan
Thank you very much
You’re welcome!
Thank you very much for your inspiring story. I am a twenty year old who is experiencing pe, given that I have been masturbating for the past six years. I can hardly go for a minute and worse still I find myself ejaculating before penetration. Reading your story gives me hope that I can too fix this problem early in advance. However am worried on how do it without a patner and which method will best suit me.
Hi Steve
Thanks for your comment, and I’m pleased to hear my story was inspiring. I’m sure you’ll manage to get in under control as well with a little effort. If you don’t have a partner, my advice would be to get a realistic vagina to practice with – they make a big difference! And then to use it with basic, but effective techniques like the start and stop technique.
Ethan
Great article there. Simple lifestyle adjustment can also go a long way in curing premature ejaculation.
Hi Palmer
Thanks, I’m glad you like the article!
Ethan
Thanks for all of your advice and I wanna say that I’m very happy for you working yourself up to admit you have a problem. Good job to every one out there who is willing to admit it and solve the problem. I used to over masturbate at my teens and thanks to this website it helped me a lot.thanks
Hi Bryce
Thanks for your kind words, both to me and other readers. I’m glad the website was useful to you, and you’re very welcome for the advice.
Ethan
I totally relate to this man! I had the same issue for years. Just didn’t really think of it as something I should and could fix. Now I’m well on my way with some of the techniques you talk about and having good success so far. Up from 2 mins av to at least 5 most days. Spent a couple weeks on the start stop, kegels and getting to understand arousal etc and it’s been good so far. Will keep at it for sure! D
Hi Donny
Thanks for your comment – it’s great that you’ve had progress with the techniques! I wish you all the best with them and hope your stamina just keeps getting better.
Ethan
Hey man, thanks for sharing your story… I have a serious case of PE. My english is not that good, please excuse me. I have become aware of this problem when I ws a teenager. Today I am 25 and its still haunting me. I have lost girlfriends that I love because of this problem. Some of them said horrible things to me. They told me straight up that I suck in bed and those words really hurt me a lot but I didn’t blame them because I know that I suck. I dont have confidence dating because I know that Im always going to embarrass myself. I had sex with some girl 6 days ago and today she said some horrible things to, she told me that she doesnt wanna see me because I suck in bad, she told me that im not a real man. Im so hurt i just try to hide how i feel. I will start to practice to control my ejaculation. I think my pE developed as a result of over masturbating from the time when I ws a teenage to this year. I have made a promise to quit masturbation and its been 3 months since I have stopped…. Let me just leave it at that. I have so much to say but i will just stop right here.
Hi Kabelo
Thanks for your comment. I’m very sorry to hear that you’ve had these experiences. It sounds like as well as having a problem with PE, you’ve also had a problem with meeting understanding women! Even if someone isn’t happy sexually, I don’t think it’s necessary to insult someone about it. Hopefully you’ll meet someone more understanding soon.
And while you wait to meet someone else, start practicing self-control techniques is my advice. I think it’s important to take action sooner rather than later. I also don’t think stopping masturbating will help – actually the opposite is true. Learning to masturbate slowly, understanding your arousal levels, and keeping yourself at a lower arousal level is the key to developing better stamina.
Regards
Ethan
I agree that admitting a premature ejaculation is the hardest thing. But when open discuss with your partners is a surefire way to coping with PE. Above all, you must put a lot of effort to find the right way to fighting against PE. Thanks for sharing your inspiring story.
Hi Joel
Thanks for your comment. I’m very happy to hear you found the story inspiring. It’s also good to know that you agree with my point of view. I wish you all the best with your future love life!
Regards
Ethan
Ethan your story is very relatable. I am with a partner, and often ejaculate within 1 minute. I have started using the edging and arousal techniques over the last few weeks and it has helped a little but slow progress, a few times lasting 5 minutes which was unthinkable before, but still finding that feeling of ejaculating creeps up at the worse times! How long did the edging and arousal techniques take for you to last over 10 minutes. And is that 10 minutes without the need to constantly stop?
Hi Jon
Thanks for your comment. It’s great that you’ve managed to last so much longer already. I think a jump from 1 to 5 minutes in just a few weeks is really good progress, so don’t give up on it. It took me a couple of months to start seeing regular lasting times of over 10 minutes. It is without constantly stopping, yes. However, I would definitely sometimes feel myself getting close and so just change positions or the type of stroke I was using. For me, a position change can make a big difference. At the end of the day, getting to the point where you can go at it hard and fast in one position for 10 minutes will take some time. But as long as you’re both enjoying the sex, changing positions and stroke every minute is ok in the beginning. Little by little you’ll find you can cope for longer in one position and not need to change things to give yourself a break. And even if you sometimes spend some time just resting inside and kissing, caressing etc, it’s fine too. The point is to avoid ejaculating in a minute and it all being over. And I think your partner will probably be very happy if the whole thing is lasting longer, even if it’s not yet at the point of being able to really go for it. Stick with it and you’ll get there!
Regards
Ethan
Thanks for the reply. I think the encouraging thing is hearing your success. I get frustrated at myself when I still come in under a minute so lots of work to do! I find the the worse part is the first few moments of penetration. If I can weather this storm then my arousal is a bit more in check but its hard! Is this something you noticed?
Hello again!
You’re very welcome. I’m glad my story is encouraging – that’s good to hear. You’re totally right in that the beginning is the most difficult part to deal with. I definitely noticed that, and to be honest if I don’t have sex for a while, I still find the beginning very difficult. For me the trick is to make sure my partner is really wet before starting. If you have to push against a tighter vagina, it makes you come much quicker. So I like to really make sure she’s warmed up with plenty or manual and/or oral and use lubricant too if that’s not working. Trust me – this will make a big difference! Another trick I’ll share with you that I find really helpful is if I find it too hard to control myself, I just pull out and go to oral sex. Sometimes my partner complains, but then loves it when the oral starts. If you make it a teasing thing of “I’m in control and you just need to lie there and enjoy it”, this can buy you a lot of time. Usually after a few minutes of oral, once you go back to sex, it’s much easier to cope with as you’ve calmed down a lot and she will be even wetter. If you want, you can go back and forth between the two and really drive her crazy – my partner both loves and hates me when I do it, but afterwards always says it was awesome. The key is to be very confident about it and refuse to cave in when she tells you to stop changing. Try it – it might work for you too.
Regards
Ethan
Hi ,
first of all i’m only 17 and consider it as a big problem!
I have a girlfriend who is okay with it, cause we would go 2 times or even more.
But i would like to “cure” it, cause i just don’t like it.
I hoped you would give us some tricks to cure it cause i’m not ready to buy books and supplements cause i’m only at the age of seventeen … I’m not even sure this will ever be fixed.
(sorry for bad English not my mother language)
Lots of love Bram
Hi Bram
Thanks for your comment. It’s good that you’ve learned about the importance of going again – it’s a good way to keep both of you satisfied. I don’t think supplements will help at all, that’s why I don’t recommend any on this site. But I do recommend books because they are logical to follow and give you all the info. you need in the right order and enough detail to make sure you do things correctly. There are various tips around this website, which will help you get started. Just take a look around!
Regards
Ethan
Wow. This article makes me very happy and very sad. Happy bc I have spent my whole (so far) adult life dealing with it. Sad, bc to know I could have taken control a long time ago sucks. I will be looking into what all you said. As someone who went from porn star until about 20 yrs old to barely even getting penetration since I am basically at the give up stage. Now I can see there is hope. I literally wouldn’t even try to pick up girls for this reason. I have now been married for almost 10 yrs and I have become a problem. We have maybe had sex 5 times in the last 4 years. She doesn’t say it but I know why. Why get all hot and bothered for me to blow within seconds of it getting good. I very much hope I too can be successful. Have tried many things over lst year or so only to find out I was duped into buying stuff that didn’t work at all. Would be so excited after reading a few “reviews” I bought immediately only to see ACTUAL reviews after saying the product was crap. So from an extremely disappointed and nervous husband, I hope I can conquer. I love my wife and family and even though she has never said so I know it’s a problem. One that isn’t going away.
Hi Andy
Thanks for your comment and your honest words. I can fully empathize with you in return. It’s horrible indeed when you come to terms with this as a problem and realise how long it’s been going on. But it sounds like now you’re feeling in the right frame of mind to do something about it. You know, my advice would be to talk to your wife about it and work on it together. You might find that it helps reduce the stress of trying to fix it on your own. And it should also mean she’ll be more willing to work with you in trying new things to help you both out. I think if you have a good relationship and understanding, this can be a much easier problem to tackle together rather than on your own. And anyway, if you decide to try things like sprays, she’ll know about it anyway. And if you decide to try the natural techniques, it’s better if she works with you on them. Sure, there are lots of techniques you can practise alone, but also some that you do during sex. And for them to work, she needs to be willing to get involved.
Stay positive and have faith – I’m sure with some dedication you’ll overcome it.
All the best,
Ethan
You are right bro. i ve just started with the natural technique and ive notice the times i ejaculate has extended. Edging is one sure way to cure p e. its curable brothers. its all about practising consistently.
Hi Fred
Thanks for your comment. It’s great that you’ve seen some success – long may it continue!
Regards
Ethan
i try your advise. I am same like you.
Good luck with it!