Knowing that you have a problem with sex, but never actually communicating with your partner about it, can be an awkward position to be in.
It leads to feelings of frustration and embarrassment, and also misses the opportunity to deal with it or find alternative ways to enjoy intimacy together.
For example, have you ever found yourself desperately trying to find the right words after you speed to the finish line during sex?
Perhaps you’ve tried a version of the popular line ‘you’re just so sexy, I can’t help it!’
Or the equally unimpressive ‘sorry…’
The reality is that there aren’t any magic words that can make an ongoing sex problem better, other than ‘shall we talk about it?’
In this article, I’ll be looking at better ways to discuss a sex problem. I’ll be using the specific example of premature ejaculation as it’s the main topic on this site.
But you can use the core ideas to tackle any sex problem in my opinion; it’s the talking that’s important, not the thing you’re talking about.
Reasons why you should talk about it
There are several good reasons to talk to your partner about any problems arising in your sex life:
- Stress and anxiety can make things worse. Getting it out in the open can reduce the stress.
- You can find out exactly what she needs and likes. You might be surprised to discover that you can still do a lot of it. Most women would be very happy if you suggested more foreplay, manual or oral stimulation.
- Some techniques for dealing with premature ejaculation need her consent and willingness to help.
- She’ll respect your honesty, openness and bravery in talking about it.
- It shows her that you respect her and care about her sexual satisfaction. The fact that you’re telling her you know there’s a problem, and want to fix it, will help stop her from becoming disinterested in sex.
Perhaps not every woman will respond in the same way to your frankness. But the majority will respond positively, and so you can only benefit from talking about it.
When should you talk about it?
Really you should start talking about it is as soon as possible, though you do need to pick the right time. If you’re in a long-term relationship, or even just with someone you’ve been seeing for a short while, then you should know by now when is a good time to talk.
It’s up to you to make a judgement call on that one. But my suggestion is to pick the same time you would talk about any serious, personal or intimate matter.
If you’re single and dating, then things are perhaps trickier. Fortunately this is something I’ve had some experience with and so can offer good advice.
When you meet someone new
Ok, so you’ve met someone new and you know that things are about to get passionate. How do you approach the topic without making her run a mile? As I see it, you essentially have two options.
Option one is to just go for it, hope that you last longer this time, and then deal with any disappointment later. If you don’t have the most severe premature ejaculation and sometimes last a couple of minutes, then this might be a reasonable option.
At least you can then both have a natural experience without killing the passion. And who knows, maybe you will last longer with this particular person.
Option two is definitely advisable if you have severe premature ejaculation, or are just worried about your performance generally. The idea is to talk about it in advance, but at the right moment.
While you’re still on a date isn’t the right moment. Neither is before you’ve even had that first steamy kiss and uncontrollable hands experience that you know with certainty is only heading in one direction. You need to be sure that sex is on the cards.
So what do you say?
The exact choice of words depends on who you are, who she is, what kind of relationship/connection you have, and what you’ve found that helps you last longer.
I can tell you what I said, but I don’t think this is a time for lines. You need to be genuine, be yourself, and just talk about it.
However, there’s one key thing which in my opinion will make whatever you say sound considerably better. In my case it went a little like this:
“…it’s something I’m working on, and if you’re willing to go with a few suggestions I have, we’ll have an amazing time…”
The thing is, by the time I got round to first talking about it, I had started doing some serious research. And I had a lot of good ideas about what would make things better.
This gave both me and her confidence. I don’t think it’s helpful to tell a woman you aren’t great in bed, and just leave it at that. What’s she supposed to do with that information?
If you have ideas of things you can do, then you can retain the image of a confident guy, who knows himself and what he needs. At the end of the day, most women still want the guy to take control in the bedroom. So even if your control comes with a bit of unexpected drama, at least it’s still control.
And most women will be willing to try your suggestions to ensure you both have the best experience. It doesn’t matter whether it’s wearing a condom, using a delay spray, avoiding certain positions or having orgasms first through foreplay and leaving sex until later.
If your suggestions still involve intimacy, fun, excitement and pleasure, there’s no reason why she shouldn’t take your lead.
Firstly, don’t forget to listen to what she says too. It may be that she has some ideas of ways to help you relax. And she might also have ideas for things you can do that don’t involve sex, but she still loves.
As well as having your own suggestions, it’s important to listen to hers, and keep that dialogue open.
And fortunately there are plenty of things you can do to improve your sex life, with the examples above being just the tip of the iceberg. Have a look around this site for more tips, but I also recommend taking a look at some of some of my recommended premature ejaculation products.
There are some excellent premature ejaculation books, which contain everything from quick tips to natural exercises to learn ejaculation control.
And there are temporary solutions, such as delay sprays, which can help you straight away.