Do you have problems getting an erection when you’re with a new partner? And no matter how much you’re attracted to them, it just doesn’t spring to life?
This started happening to me a couple of years ago (when I first wrote this article
What happens
Every time I got with a new partner, I couldn’t get an erection the first time we tried to have sex.
Everything always seems to go fine at first. Usually, I take someone on a couple of dates at least before we end up back at my place or hers.
I feel mentally and physically aroused as the passion
I don’t feel like I’m particularly stressed or anxious to start with. But then when this happens, I definitely do get stressed.
Fortunately, the saving grace is that if we spend the night together, I’m absolutely fine in the morning. And while that’s good to know, I’d prefer it if the first night was as passionate as we both hoped.
My first coping mechanism
I soon developed a coping mechanism to deal with the inevitable awkward moment when she realizes it’s not going on. I accepted that it might happen, and decided the best thing to do is to talk about it openly in advance.
By ‘in advance’ I don’t mean over cocktails
Taking responsibility for it
I realized it was important to take responsibility for the issue: if I don’t, then she might. And that’s unfair to her.
I spoke to two partners about it, who both admitted in virtually the same words that they assumed they just didn’t turn me on. And even when I told them it always happens, I could tell they were still doubtful.
It’s not exactly ideal to tell someone about all the times it’s happened though. No woman wants to hear about your previous partners on your first night.
But you still somehow need to convince her it’s just a ‘thing’ that happens, and it will pass. It’s a tricky one.
What caused it?
I used to have a serious problem with premature ejaculation. So I first wondered if by learning to last longer through relaxation, I’d gone the other way and become too relaxed.
But I think the real explanation lies in anxiety, and probably in relation to my body. I had testicular cancer several years ago (I’m 7 years all clear now!) and it’s ever since then that I’ve had these erection problems.
The treatment I had left me with some physical, and emotional, scars. And although women tell me that scars are sexy, I think they usually mean from motorbike accidents.
So I think deep down I’m still anxious about their reaction.
Add to that the fact that I’ve had to deal with premature ejaculation for years, I think it’s natural to have developed an anxiety problem.
Even though I don’t feel anxious on the surface, I do know I’m a born worrier, and that I’ve just learned to mask my anxiety with a well-trained sense of confidence.
First attempts at dealing with it
For me, a key step was to work on my anxiety. And that involved a combination of learning to accept my body now, worrying less about ‘performing’ on the
If you’re reading this and have similar issues, my advice to you is this: talk about it openly and with confidence. Take responsibility for it, but in a positive, upbeat ‘shit happens’ kind of way. And don’t let her get all self-doubting and think it’s her fault.
After that, a bit of internal self-work might be needed, either alone or with some professional help.
Anxiety may or may not be the root cause. But either way, I think it’s important to say the right things – both to yourself and your partner.
1 year later: a potential solution
I spent a lot of time thinking about this issue. It helped to read the many comments below from readers with a similar problem. I listened to their stories and theories and tried to come up with a solution.
And finally, a year later, I had some success. I managed to get an erection the first night with the last 2 women I slept with, and also pretty much when I wanted to.
The secret – I thought – was to boost my testosterone levels so much that it balanced out the anxiety, nerves or whatever else is going on psychologically.
Basically, I did a lot of research into erectile dysfunction and discovered a common suggestion is that it’s sometimes due to low testosterone levels. So I duly decided to do everything within my power to boost it.
Here’s what I did:
- Stopped smoking.
- Started doing lots of work on my legs in the gym, particularly dead-lifts and similar exercises for the thighs, which apparently help with testosterone production.
- Stopped drinking protein shakes (apparently they can lower testosterone!)
- Worked hard to improve my sleep pattern and get a regular 8 hours.
- Started on a testosterone boosting diet.
- Started taking L-Arginine supplements.
Within 2 weeks I noticed that even during self-pleasure I was getting harder erections, particularly on the days I really focused on my legs in the gym.
Other than the gym work, I thought I noticed an effect from the L-Arginine supplements.
I’d read some research that found L-Arginine can help with erectile dysfunction because it boosts blood circulation to the penis (more recent medical advice suggests it may not be so effective though).
I also think my serious health and fitness regime helped increase my blood circulation and on a psychological front my confidence. So it looks like I hit the problem from a few different angles.
Trying Viagra in 2016
Since the last update, I had the same problem again. I think perhaps it was because I totally fell for someone, and I really wanted to things to go well, resulting in the old anxiety resurfacing.
So I decided to give Viagra a go, and it was very effective. I won’t be using it on an ongoing basis, as I’d like to try to manage the problem naturally, and it gave me headaches. However, it was interesting to try and a good confidence boost.
If it’s something you’re also interested in, you might find my Viagra review helpful.
2017 update
Since the last time I wrote, I didn’t try Viagra again. However, I did a lot of research into the issue of erectile dysfunction.
Interestingly, I experimented this year with not watching any porn for a month. And I’m sure it had a positive effect on how easily I get turned on in the presence of women. So it might be worth a try if you have a similar issue.
I also put a lot of thought into the annoying issue of condoms making your erection soft.
2018 update
This continued to be an issue for me from time to time. I now think it’s a blood flow problem, combined with initial nerves sometimes.
I tested a range of different treatments in 2018, and all the ones that are supposed to work by increasing blood flow did the trick for me.
That includes both brand drugs like Viagra, generic sildenafil and herbal remedies that affect your circulation.
This might also explain why stopping smoking and losing some weight while getting much fitter helped – not just because it boosted testosterone.
A penis pump helps
I also tested a penis vacuum pump, and that worked very well. But it’s not my first choice when I’m with a new partner – I think it’s more acceptable with an established partner.
So for me, my current way of dealing with it is to work on the psychological points, continue being healthy in general, and have a backup pill at the ready.
2019 update
I’ve been with a stable partner for a while now. So I don’t know if this original problem would still exist for me – nor do I want to find out!
But I thought it would help to share that I don’t have a serious problem with erectile dysfunction currently. Sure, I have good days and bad days where hardness is concerned. But on the whole, it doesn’t affect my relationship enough to be a major issue.
So if you’re worried about the future because of a similar problem to me, stay positive!
Your views
If you also experience this issue, what do you find
It happened to me for the first time last night. I was out with a woman from work for the first time that I’m very attracted to and when we got back to the hotel, I just couldn’t get it up. I’d get semi hard but no full erection. It was very difficult for me because we were fulling around quite a bit with finger play, oils and such and she repeated to me many times that she wanted sex as we were messing around and I just couldn’t get hard.
We had been out drinking, I smoke, I’ve been fantasizing for about two months about her and have been watching porn with females that resemble her and I masturbated to one of them that day so I didn’t go out with a loaded gun, rarely (twice before) have I had sex on a first date and I haven’t been with a woman in over a year. I’m hoping the combination of these things is the cause because I’ve never felt so inadequate. She still had a good time and told me it was the best sexual experience she has had in years (I did other things that led her to orgasm) but this is the only thing I’ve been thinking about all day.
I guess I’m just going to restrain from all of the things I mentioned until I figure out what is going on. Just wanted to vent and let others know, it can happen to any of us apparently because I did not see this coming.
Hi Joe
Thanks for sharing your experience, and you’re more than welcome to vent here! And it’s always helpful for other readers to see what others have done to cope with problems like this.
It sounds like there could have been a combination of factors at play in your case. I imagine nerves at being with someone you like after a long break could be a big one. But perhaps drinking and smoking too on a physical front!
I hope things improve for you soon, as I imagine they will.
Ethan
Hi, recently three weeks back first time i had sex with someone. Initially I didn’t get erection then she did blow job, after that i got erection and could able to complete the intercourse. Please help why i didn’t get the erection first time. recently last week i came to know i have gallbladder stone and started treatment for that. please advise gallbladder stone will affect the erection?
Hi Mark
It’s impossible to say what might have caused the initial erection problem – maybe not feeling relaxed with her. And again, I really can’t say if the gallbladder problems is affecting you in that way. I’ve seen some things published online about possible connections for some people. But only your doctor will be able to tell you if it is in your case or not.
Ethan
Try Stone Breaker supplements on Amazon. Knocked out my kidney stones in 3 days
Am 28 years old, l started having sex when l was 12yrs.for 10years l have not had sex because of preachings from church and now whenever am not a girl in my room,my heart wil be beating faster,l won’t be able to get an erection,even if l am erected it won’t last for a minute,l wil be very weak.am over worried pls help me
Hi Jerry
I can understand – nerves can make getting an erection very difficult! The trick is to stay calm, not stress about it and don’t pressure yourself to ‘perform’. If you can create an atmosphere of no pressure, enjoy your time together and not see a lack of erection as a failure, then you can simply wait until you do feel relaxed – something that will definitely happen eventually.
Have a read through all the other comments here too – there’s some great advice from other men here.
Ethan
Had the same thing happen to me last night.
After being separated, she’s the first girl I met in 3 years that I properly liked, and just completely flopped. We were fine up until, but it went to crap when I stripped off…
She was pretty cool about it and I made some attempt to explain myself, but it isn’t fair on her to sit through that.
I’ve body issues (I’m overweight), I’m an anxious person (although I keep it well hidden most times), so I’ve no idea what the cause actually is and now I’m at my wits end about it.
Hi James
Thanks for sharing your experience, and I can completely empathize! If you’ve read many of the other comments, you’ll have noticed a common theme, which you seem to fit right into. You meet someone new who is particularly awesome, you’re a bit nervous/anxious generally and with her because it’s been so long since you really fell for someone, and all the usual stuff like first night anxieties played their role too.
I think it’s very likely you’ll be fine before long, so try to stay calm and cool about it, but be open and take control of the situation. Don’t let it become a massive drama for you or her, and just wait it out doing other fun stuff until you get over that initial bump in the road.
Ethan
From time to time I have had trouble with some first time women partners and not others. Nothing to do with body type or beauty, some types just turn me on – automatically. Others who grab and tug on my penis get no response. I have found that if I lie on my back and she will gently and slowly massage my dick in her mouth, with very gentle or no hand motion, and let my hand go under her butt, the pleasure will take over. Sometimes I start to respond and she starts tugging or tries to squeeze me quickly inside her. That does not work. So, I tell her – get relaxed, get into good position she can maintain and keep going. I encourage her to keep going until I know I am ready. As it feels better, I start fantasizing about how I am going to enter her. By that time, believe me, you will not be worrying about anything.
Would like to hear from anyone else had success this way.
Hi there
Thanks for sharing your experience and ideas. Even if others haven’t tried the same exact technique, I think what you say about finding relaxing positions and fantasizing positively is something others might also find helps.
Ethan
Thank you for this article. I feel I could write the same words.
I always had the same problem with women I really like or love. Spending time with them and getting to know them and finally that time comes and your penis is in hibernation.
So I’ve been seeing this girl for the last few months and I feel she really could be the one for me. Everytime we make out I’m holding back a full on erection and then the other night we finally took each other. I loved being with her and her body is so sexy to me.. only I couldn’t show it. My penis was just flacid and a disappointment.
I panicked and started explaining myself and she said it’s okay. Not to worry. But to me it was her being kind… sure enough she left. I walked her home. And I just don’t know if I’ll have another chance with her. Everything is there between us but the ultimate deciding connection/factor I failed. I’m a mess, reading articles, thinking what it could have been. And I think I do… drugs, bad diets, to much porn. And especially the last few days have been bad with weed coke xanax and alcohol.
Obviously starting today I’m doing everything in my power to fix my libido and sex drive. No porn. No nothing. And gonna start a good work out redgiment. I’ll do anything for her.
Anyway. I’m with you there man. With all you guys.
Hi Aaron
Thanks for sharing your story. Sorry to hear things didn’t work out how you wanted that night – I totally understand your pain there! If things are as good as you sense they are between you, then I’m sure you’ll get another chance. Women know that guys have problems sometimes, and if they are into you, will usually give you time to relax and get past those sometimes awkward first steps.
It does sound like the cocktail of lifestyle choices you listed could be having an impact though. If you’re able to get on top of all that and go down a healthier path, you’ll be doing yourself a big favor in many ways. And hopefully one of those ways will be your body responding how you want it to.
Stay strong, and get strong!
Ethan
What happened with the girl Aaron, did you see her again?
Hang in there buddy..
Even I had the Same Problem..
I did eventually improve by abstaining myself from watching Porn and sticking to a good Diet and Working out…
Hi there. I have been watching porn since I was in the mid 15, and and I was masturbating almost all the time I was watching porn. My first sex was at age 18 with my first girl. We tried to have the first sex and it was horrible because my penis didn’t even stand. And so trying everyday for almost a week actually worked. So we have been dating, for two years everything was really good and my Penis used to stand 99.9% until the past 1 month. It all sudden stopped. I was really worried about it. So I read articles about it. And from my understanding is porn does got something to do with it. So it’s my 10 days with no porn or anything. I am feeling a little bit of a stand but not all the time. Only waking up and sometime randomly. You could be wondering if I read about the porn negative side about a month ago. How come I quit watching only 10 days ago? The answer is i did watch it twice after finding out. But most of the time I have sex with my girlfriend. And if I didn’t have sex with her for 2-4 days my penis stands really hard. But having sex everyday will make it stand but will sleep in the middle of our sex. In you suggestion, should I give a little more time and see what’s the advantage? Or should I keep on having sex and that will make it faster to resolve? Thank you so much.
Hi Ali
You’re right in that porn is known to cause some men erection problems – especially if they get used to a particular type that turns them on, and then they can’t copy it with their partner. But it’s also about the novelty, the excitement and the naughtiness – things that can all get you turned on, and then normal sex can seem less interesting.
I think you did the right thing in stopping watching it if it’s a problem for you. But it’s also normal to sometimes have erection problems if you have sex very regularly. The answer to that might be in exploring new ways to make love to your partner. And to do that, I recommend communicating with them about things that they might like that you’re not doing yet, and things that you like to.
If you can have an open dialogue with your partner about sex, there’s no limit to the things you can try and enjoy together.
I’d also suggest just taking the pressure off yourself. If you have erection problems sometimes, it doesn’t matter. It’s normal, so don’t worry about it. And if it happens mid-sex, just give her some oral sex instead!
Ethan
Hi Ethan!
Hope you are doing well!
My boyfriend and I are in a relationship from 8 years. The time we met. He told me that in his past relationship he was not able to create an intimacy with the partner whom he had. He wanted to gain that confidence from me. I somehow helped him. We had foreplay for initial 6 months. After 6 months we tried to have intimacy though I was virgin and tight he inserted it but due to anxiety and pressure he ejaculated. So on the 3rd or 4th go we were able to make it to the extreme. Ejaculations were taking time. And we both are in a habit to have intimacy with each other. Suddenly he wanted to have it with someone else so as to check himself. So he went to a call girl. There he tried but he couldn’t get even hard nothing happened to him. And on the next day when he met me we had a good time on bed with each other. He intimated me so hard. I really need to know the reason behind this. Because this thing is making him so much frustrated which I don’t want.
Hi Trishla
If I understand right, you mean he wants to know why he can’t get erection with other people and only with you?
Well, it might just be because he didn’t like them as much as you. And maybe because he didn’t spend so long getting to know them like he did with you, so he was never relaxed enough.
Now, it’s not my place to judge, but hang on a second – he’s having a great relationship with you, then goes to a prostitute to ‘check’ if he can perform with someone else?
And you’re OK with that?
In your place, I would be seriously assessing the nature of your relationship with this guy.
Ethan
Hey, Ethan. I’ve been having this same problem for some months now. I was in a serious relationship for over 3 years and never had a problem with sex, in fact, it’s been the best sex in my and her life, but a few months ago we agreed to have an open relationship and so I met this girl I really like and I’d picture us having as great sex as I’d always been having with my girlfriend but the 2 times we’ve tried to do it, I can’t get it fully erect and can’t keep myself from thinking about my girlfriend and how I’d like to satisfy this new girl as I’ve done my girlfriend. Could it be that I’m too infatuated with my girlfriend that I can’t but feel anxious and imagine her when I try to have sex with new partners? Thank you for taking the time to read us and give us your point of view as a fellow man! It’s somehow hard to talk about it openly in your social circle.
Hi Andy
I think it’s very possible that the psychological point you raised is true. Are you 100% convinced that you’re into the idea of the open relationship? If you have some doubts, or feel uneasy about it, that might be a factor. It could also be that you just need time to relax and get used to the idea of being with someone else.
Maybe it would help to see the new girl as a completely isolated experience. Try not to think about your long-term partner and the sex you’ve had. Sex is always different with each new partner, so by stopping comparing, you might find it easier to relax and enjoy the experience for what it is.
Ethan
Reading This article was really helpful for me, thanks for sharing your tips. I’ve had a very similar problem for quite a while now. sometimes it takes me even two or three times with the same woman before I can get a full erection. I was a virgin until 21 and since I discovered porn at approximately 15 I have been masturbating to it everyday, at least once a day. I haven’t received the opinion of an expert in that regard yet but I believe that this has conditioned my mind and body when it comes to having sex with a woman. During the past year I have been trying really hard to cut on watching porn to the point where I now watch it only once a week (sometimes even every two weeks). I finally decided to go see a sex therapist so that I can finally get a professional opinion on my condition. Reading this article has definitely given me some hope, thanks again.
Hi Andre
Thanks for sharing your story. There is mounting evidence that porn can have negative effects on guys ability to get and maintain erections. So it could be that, but it could also just be nerves/anxiety if it’s a similar pattern with new partners in the beginning.
I imagine the sex therapist will be able to offer some useful ideas and help you work through it too.
Ethan
Thanks for the great article. I have this problem right now so I hope your ideas help me too. I guess it’s time to hit the gym big time!
Hi Hayden
You’re welcome. Yep, it’s as good a reason as any to get super fit.
Ethan
Hi there!
I watched porn and masturbate like 3 times a day. I mean go hard on porn girls but now I got a cute white blond girl friend. We tried to have sex and my penis stand up but not 100% and then I tried to penetrate but she was a virgin so my penis I was normally stand up to penetrate but It turns cold down and we tried again at all it couldn’t stand up 50% but when we slept for awhile it turn 75% but when I went between her legs it turn cold down like 3 or 4 %. I admitted to her that watched a lot of porns and masturbated pre maturely a lot and then we started laughing. She does not care about sex she told me but I feel she really want to give me her virginity. How can I quit porn? How can gain active erection during sex?
Hi ATJ
I think there’s no magic secret to quitting porn – you just have to decide to do it, and then do it! Perhaps set yourself some small goals if it’s too difficult to quit completely. So try to go 1 whole day without it. Then 2 days without it. Then go 3 days before watching it and so on, until you stop.
Try to think of a good fantasy you can imagine instead, and work on building your imagination. You can fantasize about this girl if you like (probably best not to tell her you imagine her when masturbating though…).
You might then find your erection quality improves naturally. If not, then try to keep yourself calm when you’re with this girl. Spend good quality time with her having sexual fun in other ways, and take the pressure off yourself to have sex. When you’re feeling relaxed enough with her, it will probably happen naturally.
Ethan
Thanks man, I’m probably working on that and I’m working on quitting unhealthy porn! I hate it now because I have seen the negative effects! I will pass on to friends to quit from my experience.
You’re welcome! I’m sure it will help to leave it alone. I wouldn’t go on an anti-porn crusade though – people will just think you’re weird!
Hi Ethan, thank you for this wonderful article and your helpful advice. I met this beautiful girl 2 and finally we decided to make love last weekend. But as you can probably guess, my little friend was sleeping with no hope of waking him up. It’s the first time it’s ever happened to me, and also the first time I really feel like I’ve fallen in love. So I’m thinking it must be anxiety like you and so many others describe here.
I will try the advice I’ve found here and hope it helps. Wish me luck!
Nick
Hi Nick
I’m happy to hear the article was helpful, though sorry of course to hear you’ve had to read it! Good luck with the next time. Hopefully just reading all this advice will go a long way to helping you stay calm and enjoy the next time.
Ethan
There are so many great comments here, and I encourage everyone with similar issues to read many of them. This has been my situation for many years now (I’m 34) and would like to add some of my thoughts that I don’t see mentioned.
First, I no longer think it’s a “problem,” so I don’t call it one. As much fun as it would be to always be a rockstar in bed with a near-stranger you just brought home (after just meeting, or a few dates, etc), men aren’t always made that way. Society doesn’t talk about how there are feelings involved in sex for men, so we feel like failures when they get in the way. I once had a friend call me in the night, panicking because he couldn’t get an erection with a girl. He assumed he was broken forever. I asked, “are you attracted to her?” “Not really” – “Do you have a strong connection with her some other way?” “No.” It’s funny how men don’t realize those kind of things matter for many of us like they for most women.
I’ve brought lovely women home and it hasn’t happened at first, I’ve brought home women and it has. Our chemistry plays as big a role as being comfortable and not anxious. There are women out there with whom the first time anxiety isn’t there because of the connection you have with them. With others it will take longer, or may never come. Even with beautiful ones. It’s sad but true, and I just try to take it as a learning experience of what I desire personally.
And some advice if ED strikes, don’t apologize. Be confident, smile, make a joke. Women really don’t mind, but it’s wrong to put your baggage on their ego, which will happen if you’re not careful. Sometimes I point at the little lazy guy and say something about how he was running at the track all day and is tired, or how I know how beautiful the woman is and I’m excited to play around all night in other ways, but he sometimes gets shy the first time because he’s a sensitive one. Sometimes it seems women find the talk about feelings, yet with confidence, as charming. Don’t apologize! It’s bad for your ego.
Ethan, thanks a lot for sharing this and continually managing the comments. I think it makes everyone posting feel better to get your supportive response, as well as knowing there is a community of people in the same situation. I certainly should have used this 15 years ago the first time this happened to me.
Hi Jay
Thanks for this fantastic comment. It’s reading comments like yours that makes me think I should really ask readers if I can put their comments into a collection page with the most useful ones. It’s one thing for me to write a blog article, but another for readers to take the time to share their own thoughts, experience and ideas for dealing with potential issues with sex – and in such an eloquent and positive way.
I don’t know if you’re following this thread – I doubt it from the funny email address you put (funny for me anyway!). But if you do, please let me know if you’d be ok with me using your comment on a published article.
And in terms of what you wrote, I couldn’t agree more!
Ethan
Hi guys,
Am 21years old and their is this hot charming girl i have been dating for the past 2years, in those past 2years after lots of going out on various dates and it was really fun, so i decided one day to have her at my place bt just mere her knocking on my place, my penis shrinked within 30seconds bt went on and did foreplay for some good minutes but no erection happened at all so i made up stories for her not think it’s her fault so she decided to give me another achance after aweek, things just went from worse to terrible, we broke but after 7months she came to back to check on me to see if i had quite the drug use and alcohol that i had made up in the stories in the first scenario , bt this time i erected but not long enough to put on acondom, what i should i do cause i know now that am not gay!
Hi Jackson
I totally understand your frustration! I imagine you would have had no problems if she had come back sooner than a week, or stayed longer after the first night. But I think a week is long enough for the nerves to come back and cause the exact same problem. Will you be seeing her again, or is that the end for sure? Whether you see her again, or someone else, I think the main thing is to be honest about it, make light of it and not such a serious issue. It’s also important to remember that sex isn’t all about getting erections and having intercourse. If you can take the lead and create a situation where you both just enjoy each other’s bodies, through foreplay, manual and oral or whatever, that’s great. If you don’t get an erection, it’s ok – just spend more time pleasuring her and enjoying each other’s company. If you can take the pressure off to perform, then it will help you relax.
I also suggest reading through the comments here as there are some amazing bits of advice from other readers.
Ethan
Hi , Im a 34 year old woman and every time i have sex with somebody for the first time they can’t get an erection. I’ve slept with more than ten guys and it has happened with every single guy. Im not sure what that says about me but I decided it must be me because it happens every time. Regardless of the partner. The funny thing is that usually by the second time its all good. A few times its taken 3 or 4 tries but once we get past the initial failure my partner has no issues at all. In fact most of the time we have sex 2 to 3 times per day. My last 4 boyfriends that has certainly been the case. So I guess I’m writing this to let the guys know its common, and also to ask whether its me…but from what the guys say its nerves. I just don’t understand why i make them so nervous.
Hi Meg
Thanks for taking the time to share your experience. It’s really helpful to hear from female readers regarding this problem. To be honest, my girlfriend also told me it’s happened several times with previous boyfriends, so you’re not the only one that has it happen repeatedly! Whether there’s something about you that makes them nervous or if it’s pure coincidence is impossible to say. I wouldn’t worry about it though, as it sounds like you’re doing the right thing which is to stick around long enough to let them get over the nerves and relax with you. Perhaps you could experiment with ways to help them relax, setting the scene to be more relaxing and less pressure on having penetrative sex. You could suggest the idea that you like just being together intimately, but sex isn’t the be all and end all and that there are many ways to enjoy each other’s company. If you can help them think that it doesn’t matter if they have sex or not that first time, but without making them think you’re avoiding it, then that might help.
Ethan
It’s not you, Meg. This is quite common especially if the guy is really attracted to you. It’s anxiety that prevents the erection. Once they are with you for a while, the nerves settle down and things get going.
Hi guys,
I can’t get any erection with my girlfriend. She’s really attractive to me but everytime we try to have sex, I can’t have any erection… I never had sex before and she’s my first girlfriend. We spoke together about my problem, I read a lot of articles about erection but there is no results. We try to have sex since approximately 7 months… I’m starting to be worried and hopeless
Hi Jonathan
Sorry to hear you’ve been dealing with this issue – I can appreciate how frustrating it must be for you. Have you spoken to your doctor about this? I think it’s probably a good idea to get yourself checked out physically by a doctor, in case they can find a simple cause and offer you a simple solution.
It’s one thing to read article like this one, and for some guys that can be all they need to sort out a problem themselves. But really, if it’s an ongoing problem that self-help hasn’t worked for, it’s good to get a medical opinion.
If there’s anything in this article you haven’t tried, then have a go at that too, as you never know what might help. But I do recommend speaking to a professional if it’s still going on after 7 months.
I can understand you feeling worried and hopeless, but don’t give up or feel too shy to speak to a doctor. They deal with this kind of thing all the time, and you might find they can offer you a solution that works well and gives you and your partner an opportunity to be together sexually.
Ethan
So I turn 19 in a month.I got with this girl and we started doing a few things. Not full intercourse but foreplay. I can get her off easy. But when it comes to me I only get half erections. I’ve been reading a bit about it and I think it might be due to my anxiety and her being the first girl I’ve been with sexually. She is very understanding about the situation but I feel very emasculated about it and she keeps bringing up that its her fault. We have tried twice, both times I’ve only gotten half-way. When we are kissing or doing small things even cuddling lol, but when she goes down there is just never gets any better than half no matter what she is doing. Please help me, I am worried I might have to go to the doctor.
Hi Zach
I completely understand your worry – it’s really unfair when you get together with someone like this and it just doesn’t seem to happen for you! I think it’s possible that stress is a factor, as you identified. But it’s impossible to say for sure at this point. Do you find you get erections ok when you’re on your own? Or do you struggle then also? If you’re fine when masturbating, then it’s possibly a psychological factor. In which case I highly recommend trying the ideas in the article, and also reading through the comments here as many guys have left some excellent advice which can help a lot. I also recommend taking a break from masturbation and porn for a week or two, and see if that helps you get going when you’re with her.
The main thing is to try to relax, and create a spacd where you both feel comfortable. If it doesn’t happen immediately, it’s ok. Just enjoy each other in other ways until you do relax with her. I know you’ve tried twice, but maybe it will take a bit longer. So maybe get together, put some candles out, some soft music, get some massage oil and massage each other and just enjoy the time without any pressure. Even if it takes hours to relax, that’s cool.
If you do continue to have the problem, or the answer to the masturbation question was otherwise, then speaking to a doctor might help. Don’t be embarrassed by it – they will be very used to this kind of issue, believe me!
Ethan
hey guys!
ok..i’ll start saying that i’m 26 and i’m having these kind of problems since years..but with the last partners i didn’t have any problems since the first night or even for a one night stand so i thought my problem was gone.
So i recently broke up with my ex, which has been a very intens relationship, we had plans for the future etc..we broke up last may but was on and off until 2 weeks ago when i decided to end the thing becasue it was too much of a headache for me.
So after a few years i was free and my plan was just to go out and sleep with as many girls as possible.
Here is what happen next. The excat day after i leave her, i go out with a girl, cute but there was no connection, saw her again and just kissed.
The day after i meet a new girl and we go out in pubs and we kiss and we have amazing time together and we decide to see eachother again the day after. We see eachother anothe couple pof times when yesterday finally she came over my place to cook and spend some nice time together.
I didn’t think to meet such an amzing girl like her after just 2 weeks i broke up with ‘the love of my life’. Now i don’t even think about her anymore.
But anyway we come home, we have a glass of wine, we chill with some nice music, we kiss and thing get hot and i get an erection but we didnt do anything, then we have dinner then we go on the couch and there is when i started getting very stressed and anxious. We were hagging and sometimes i was feeling my penis getting a little hard but only for a minute or so and the rest of the times it was like my penis shrinked and was too scared to get things hot because i knew if we would have started i wouldn’t have been able to get hard so i deicided to talk to her and tell her that i was nervous and a bit messed up in my head because of my last relationship. She completely understood and she didn’t put me any pressure..she is really hot, attractive and amazing..and feel sorry also because i knew she wanted to have sex. After a while we decide not to push things and i brought her back to her car. I’m really scared now that when we get to that point i can’t get hard, the weird thing is that when we kiss like in places where we can’t have sex like public places or cinema i get hard easly..only when we are in an intimate place i can’t.. i read other comments which it helped me to understand that maybe spending more intimate time like in bed under the sheets to talk could helpful to break this wall…becasue once i get confortable with someone i get hard in one nanosecond.
Pls guys tell me what you think and sorry for the long post
Hi there
It sounds like anxiety is definitely playing a part in your situation, as with so many other people. It probably also didn’t help being so close to breaking up. As much as we often think going out and having sex will help us move on, or just be purely fun, our mind and heart still need some time to mend properly.
Having said that, if you like this girl that much, and the chemistry is there – at least in public! – then I’m sure in time you’ll be able to get past the nerves. As you said, it’s good to find a way to just be together sexually, without the pressure of sex. You can do lots of enjoyable things to each other, and make her happy in other ways. The erection will come when its ready.
Ethan
You literally described my exact situation! There’s so many details about your story that coincide with mine it’s almost creepy. I am almost 26 as well and just came out of a long term relationship with the love of my life and found myself single for the first time so I decided to sleep with as many girls as possible, most likely so that I could get past my ex. Regarding getting elections I’ve experienced the same exact thing, if we’re kissing in a public place where I know we’re not gonna have sex I can get fully hard, but if we’re sitting on my couch at home or in bed I start getting nervous and I think about the fact that I might not be able to get hard enough to penetrate her which leads me to a vicious spiral. At which point I lose interest in even kissing because I’m too anxious and nervous to just enjoy the moment. There have been cases in which I was able to get hard enough but not fully even on the first time but I’m not quite sure what contributed to that. Anyways, I though it was funny that we had a very similar situation and wanted to leave a comment about it. Thanks for sharing your story!
Hi guys i am 21 years old my first time with a girl was when i was 19 years old but i couldnt achieve an erection after really heavy drinking,i was afraid after that and lived the life of a monk without going for girls for 2 long years of loneliness.two months ago i felt ready and i met a childhood friend,we liked each other and we took it further to have sex after 2 weeks of dating,i remember i was feeling anxious and when the time came i couldnt achieve a 100% erection and when i did i lost it the moment i was preparing to put the condom on.we had some dates as normal even though on the inside i was dying everyday,my mind was a wreck of overthinking.so after a week the second try came i wasnt feeling as anxious as the first time but my erection was even worse,after that she dumped me.now after 2 months i still dont know if it was anxiety or inability of erection with real girls because of porn or am i gay.i never had confidence and i am kind of scared the same thing will happen if i go after other woman,your opinions would be much appreciated.
Hi Paul
Sorry to hear you had that experience. It’s a shame she didn’t stick around to give you a chance, because in time you probably would have found a way to overcome the problem. As you’ll have seen in the comments here, this is a problem a huge number of guys face. And while nerves seems to be a common reason, there are other causes of erection loss too. The good news though is that usually it can be fixed – either by getting over the nerves you initially have, or through various other techniques for coping with erectile dysfunction if it’s a more on-going problem. My advice would be not to give up on your sex life, but read all the comments here to get an idea for dealing with the nerves next time, and also research other tips for getting health erections.
Ethan
Hi guys.
I’m 26 years old and my first time with a girl was about half year ago. it was one night stand and i couldn’t get erection until she gave me a blowjob which made it work very fast, then i put the condom and the erection went down to like 70% and i penetrated her and finished after 30 seconds of “trying not to lose the erection so i better do it fast”. since then i had 2 more one night stands. on the last one i sat on her butt and gave her a back massage and i got an erection from it, and i noticed that simple little things like kissing or licking her on the neck/mouth will make me go hard. but it’s going hard and few seconds after it goes back down so i can’t put the condom and penetrate.
It makes me feel so sad and frustrated…and it makes me think if i’m gay… how the hell can i know it?! i’m masturbating on hot girls only videos and i can’t even think about watching gay porn.
Hi David
It sounds like stress could be playing a role in your case, as it does with so many guys. If you don’t think you’re gay, and you get turned on and attracted to women, then you probably aren’t. I think the trick, as with so many of us here, is to try to get past the whole one night stand thing, and not put pressure on yourself to perform the night you meet a girl. Have a read through the comments here as there are lots of good ideas, tips and advice that can help.
Ethan
Hi guys
I am at the start of my sexul life at 18 and have only slept with 3 girls all of which have been quite long term relasonships, I have had this problem with every girl and it has been great to read all of your stories and gain a bit of experiance for the future, i feel much better knowing I’m not on my own.
Thanks
Chris
Hi Chris
Thanks for your comment – it’s great to hear you’ve found the article helpful. You’re definitely not the only one, and I hope the article and comments have given you some ideas for the future.
Ethan
Hey,
It’s kind of a big deal for me to even do some research on this. I’ve been so ashamed of and disappointed in myself.
I’m 25yo and the last two girls I’ve been with I’ve really struggled to “keep it up”, and it plays on my mind so much now that if I accidently think about it during masturbation I usually lose my errection and cant finish.
I’ve had a string of unhealthy relationships, but the one thing i had pride in was lasting a long time during sex… to the point that the partners I was with would “tap out” in an exhausted and euphoric daze.
The last two girls I just struggled to keep it hard. I felt embarrassed and intimidatedand really uncomfortable while it was happening. Somehow with the first girl I managed to get it up again, and finish her off but immediately after i just went completely limp.
The second girl i just couldnt at all until we woke up in the middle of the night and I was raring to go, and again in the morning.
It plays on my mind a lot, and now my highschool crush (and close friend) is showing a lot of attention to me… and I’m just dreading that moment with her. I know I can do better, I’ve been perfectly fine a 50 times before. But I worry when I cant even keep it up during masturbation.
Any specific advice?
Thanks.
Hi Ryan
To be honest, it sounds like anxiety as with so many guys here! It also sounds like my story, whereby it doesn’t work out initially, but then in the night or morning it’s fine – which makes me think anxiety plays a big role. My advice is to take the pressure off both of you. Don’t set sex as the only goal when you’re next with someone. If you redefine your goal for the night as just enjoying each other in a sexual way, whatever that might mean for you – manual, oral etc – and the sex will come along when it does, then you’ll hopefully feel less pressure.
The key I think is not to show signs of panic, worry and self-doubt. Just stay confident, enjoy the time with your partner doing whatever it is that you feel like doing. Tell her if you like that sometimes it doesn’t happen the first night, but that’s ok. Make her feel that you really like her, and want to just get used to each other and take your time. Most girls will be happy to have loads of foreplay, manual and oral etc, and will wait for the actual penetrative sex to happen.
Ethan
Hello guys. I’m 19 and I’ve had a problem for a little bit. So like most men I stared masturbating around 13 and did it on average 6 days a week if not more. I began to notice this problem when I had sex the first time (17th birthday). I play baseball and have my entire life, even a little college baseball. Now I am extremely good with girls and getting them into my bed. Now Being 6’1 with a nice body and play college baseball, it’s not that hard to get girls. I just have this problem where is just goes soft. Extremely soft! I don’t have a small dick, I’m like 6 1/2 and I’ve got gurth too. I just don’t know what my problem is. I get morning wood about 80% of the time and I do workout, run, and I do not do drugs.
I just went to the doctor about this for the second time, he told me that he thinks it’s anxiety. I told him I have no anxiety what’s so ever because I have confidence in myself. He ordered blood work and wanted to check on my testosterone (still waiting on the results). I also have problems when I have to poop, workout, or run. Whenever I do these things I get extremely “short”.
I’ve done my research and I think it could be “porn indused ed” but my doctor doesn’t think so. I am currently on my 5th day not jerking off and I have felt so eager to do it.
I am currently talking to this girl that I want to have sex with so bad. I need some help truly. Please help!
Hi Zack
Sorry to hear you’ve had these issues, just like me and so many guys leaving comments here. The thing with anxiety is that it’s often there even though we feel ok in ourselves. I often find myself in situations where mentally I don’t feel anxious, yet my body shows signs of anxiety. It’s annoying and weird, but something that’s better to accept – at least then you can try and work on it. If you refuse to recognise the possibility that there’s anxiety, then you’ll never do any of the things that might help. And at the end of the day, it won’t do you any harm to try those things – even if you don’t think you have anxiety, if that makes sense?
So my advice would be to try to create a relaxing scenario when you’re with the girl. Take the pressure off of both of you by not rushing to sex, enjoying loads of foreplay, manual, oral etc. And if it happens that you go soft, don’t stress about it. Talk to her confidently about how it just happens sometimes, but you really like her – show her with your actions not just words, but giving her a massage and enjoying her body in other ways etc. If you can get her to stick around long enough for you to relax, hopefully at some point you’ll be able to get hard again.
As for the porn, it’s possible it’s having an effect. I think it’s a good idea to stop watching it for now – as you are doing – just in case it’s also to blame.
Ethan
It happened to me last night. The first time that we were going to have sex and couldnt get it. I was drunk and very nervous cause i had not gone out in a couple of months. She told that it was normal and to not worry. She was obvious she didnt want a relationship me too but i like her and wanted to sleep her so badly. The goodbye was just a peck on the cheeck. Should i keep talking to her for a second chance?
Hi Joe
It’s up to you, but if you have nothing to lose, why not? Just perhaps don’t get so drunk next time! A couple of drinks can help with the anxiety, but too much can result in serious problems getting it up.
Ethan
Hi,
I have had this issue since I was 18 or something (now 28). Almost exactly the same as the article describes. I am very happy that you wrote this article and would like to contribute with my story. Which might give you another perspective on this problem.
For me it has always been obvious that this is a purely psychological issue since I don’t have a problem getting it hard myself or with someone I have been seeing for a while. I have tried to figure out what it is that is making it happen and I guess it is anxiety even though I sometimes feel pretty calm and confident. At this point I have more just accepted that it is what it is.
For the ones of you that don’t meet women because of this I strongly advice against giving up like that. I have had sex with plenty of women even though this has happened almost every time. Not even once has it happened that someone gets mean or angry or anything like that. Most women try to make the best of the situation. The only times it has not been a good experience has been when I have made a big fuss out of it or saying I’m sorry or something like that. Then the situation gets hard to handle for the women and the vicious circle begins.
For me the best way to handle it is to first just try and see if it works and if it doesn’t (almost never the first time I sleep with a girl) just say that it doesn’t work right now. It is hard to confess something like that with real confidence, so fake it if you have to. Now the women usually ask why and to that I just answer that I don’t know. The trick is to do it with confidence. Be calm and just tell here honestly that you don’t know why (after all it is true!). Make sure to also tell her that you really WANT to have sex with her and it is just that it doesn’t work. It is key to let her know that you want her. If you succeed in keeping her calm this actually puts her in a pretty good position. Now you can focus on her and she can just lay back and enjoy. Once you get her the view it like that you are fine!
Having confessed that I can’t get it up sometimes solves the problem by itself depending on the girl. If it doesn’t work I usually just go down on the girl and try to make her come (she will only let you do that though if you stay calm and she feels that you think she is sexy). As long as you keep your cool you will usually succeed in this endeavour. When she has had an orgasm and I have confessed there is usually nothing left to worry about since she is happy and you don’t have the pressure of performing any more. Sometimes this solves the problem for me. If it doesn’t she is usually more than happy to try again since I didn’t make it into an awkward experience for her by overreacting to the situation.
Now that I have been getting a bit older I have actually been able to get some serious advantages out of this condition. It turns out that if you keep calm and manage to keep things pleasant some girls will try the craziest things to get you hard! Once you get them to see it as a challenge the pressure is off you and on them
Another way to view it is to try to enjoy having some issues from time to time. Nothing is fun if it is too easy!
Keep trying and remember that it is not the end of the world!
PS:
I realize that it might seem that I have always been confident about this. This is far from true! I understand how hard it can be to talk about and how bad it can feel not to be able to get it up. However I am living proof that you can get over it and that it is not as big an issue as you think!
Confidence is something you get when you have failed so many times that you stop worrying about it. Keep trying!
Hi Bruno
Thanks so much for your wonderful comment. I think your attitude is spot on, and will hopefully prove really helpful for some other readers. I might actually add some of your ideas into the original article, because they are things I’ve also done, but didn’t really talk about in the article.
Thanks again!
Ethan
I’m 41 and been single for the past 3 years, after coming out of a 9 year relationship where she left me, I’ve struggled with low self esteem and felt unattractive to woman.
However there was a girl at work who I liked, she was easy to talk to, attractive but she was with someone, so I never considered her more than a friend.
She left to a new job and I went on her leaving drinks, end of the night we got a bit close on the dance floor, no more than my arms around her and her head on my chest. But this was the first close female contact I’d had in a long time, I also didn’t realise she had separated from her boyfriend. End of the night we went our own ways.
A few weeks later I get a txt asking how I was and if I wanted to go for a meal with her and her friends. I was pretty ill and declined.. only to find out it was for her 30th birthday! We exchanged a few more texts over the coming weeks, ended up meeting for drinks but still with the way I was feeling I thought it no more than friends.
We got together for drinks again but this time both got pretty drunk. We ended up arm in arm and then kissing.. a lot. I couldn’t believe it, I was on cloud 9! I ordered her a taxi, when it arrived she says am I coming? Well I went with the moment and jumped in the cab.
Got back to her place where she lives with her parents. She put some music on and before I got my jacket off she was half naked on the bed! She is super hot, I have this beautiful, athletically fit 30 year old woman naked in my arms.. I was overwhelmed, couldn’t believe it.
And that’s when I realised my dick wasn’t cooperating.. nothing! We tried a bit of foreplay but I became embarrassed and eased off. I said I was sorry and it wasn’t her, I blamed drink and nerves. I’m so gutted, I can’t stop thinking about it. When we were kissing earlier I got hard, but at the time I needed to it just wouldn’t happen.
Next morning it wasn’t very comfortable, she dropped me home. I txt her and said again I was sorry and that I really like her and find her very attractive and that I’d like to see her again. But she replied that she was in an awkward place, still getting over her ex and that she shouldn’t have put me in that position, she said she was embarrassed and very sorry.
This all happened a week ago and I’ve thought about it and her every day. I think I’m struggling over a few passionate hours with this girl as it has been so long for me and that I know her. I’m worrying about my performance or lack of, it has really hit me and I feel sad.
I guess all I can do is leave it with her, if she calls great, if not then I need to properly get back on the dating game, although I’m now worried of repeat failures.
Thanks for reading
Hi Simon
Sorry to hear you had this experience – I can understand your frustration! It was probable either the alcohol and/or some anxiety after such a long time without. I guess the main thing is to try to get that second chance going. Perhaps if she still hasn’t replied by the time you read this (sorry it took so long), maybe try to see her again but without making it about hooking up. Invite her on a date, or for a drink (not too many!) and see if things naturally go that way. Try to take the pressure off, and allow nature to either take its course or not.
Ethan
Hi, well my story is quite unusual. I’m 20 years old and still a virgin. I’ve had 2 girls on my bed and one of them more than twice. I’ve always wanted to get intimate with a woman and please her as much as possible. I started watching porn and masturbating at the normal age of 12-13. I don’t know, however, if i overdid it with the masturbation and porn to the point that certain things turn me on. I can get a strong erection in one position and in the other it’ll go away. So after trying my first time I was obviously embarrassed. The foreplay was great but once It came to the part where I put the condom on, my little friend got scared :(. That first incident was 2 years ago. Now I’m with another woman and it happened again. I’m guessing it’s performance anxiety and every time it’ll happen because I’m worried of not getting it up. I’ve also wondered if it’s my level of testosterone. All the males in my family have a beard and I’ve yet to grow one. I also go to the gym but don’t focus on legs as much, it’s something I’ll have to try. Anyway, after being disappointed so many times, I have no choice but to take a sex pill and try my luck. Do you have any tips or guide on how to control anxiety or a testorone meal plan?
Hi Paul
I understand your frustation, believe me! I think putting a condom on has the capacity to cause many guys erection problem, myself included. I’ve found a few tricks for dealing with that: firstly, only attempt to put it on when you have a 100% rock hard erection. If it’s only 75% for example, it tends to lose it. Once you get a totally hard one, you just kind of know that it’s there to stay for a while. So just stay relaxed and enjoy the foreplay, and don’t rush to put a condom on until you know it’s going to stay. The second thing is to get the girl to put it on for you. The fact that she’s playing with you while doing it – if she does it right – can help keep you stimulated. And finally, put it on while standing up or kneeling on the bed. The downwards pressure of blood flow can help maintain the erection.
Otherwise, in terms of controlling anxiety – you could read through all these comments if you have time – there are some good ideas here. You could also read my article about sexual performance anxiety. As for testosterone, if you search online you’ll find lots of nutrition experts with advice about that that’s better than what I can give you. But yes, do those leg exercises too – it works!
Ethan
I’m 25yrs and never had sex before, I get erection and able to maintain it whenever i wake up from bed or when thinking about having sex. I was with my girlfriend for the first to have sex, i was very aroused but I couldn’t get erection at all despite trying different positions but still I could get an erection, i was very disappointed and thinking my girlfriend may think I’m not man enough to have sex with her.. After that meeting, i was able to get my erection normally and even when thinking about having sex..
Hi Dunn
It was probably stress that did it! Hopefully when you try again, it will be much better. Just try and do things to help you relax – take it nice and slow, set a relaxing scene, perhaps have a beer or glass of wine. Anything that helps you relax.
Ethan
So I had performance anxiety as well last night with a really hot girl I’ve been on 4 dates with. I wasn’t in the most comfortable setting, her new coworkers house on the couch, in the living room. The making out heavy petting was really hot but I just couldn’t get a full erection. I sent her a friendly text this afternoon letting her know I was a bit embarrassed about it but assured her it was not at all her fault and that I really think she is super attractive. That was 8 hrs ago and she hasn’t responded. She normally responds within minutes to my texts so I’m a little bothered by that. Did I royally mess this one up?? I’m single, no kids, shes divorced 2x and has 4 kids, but again, I find her smoking hot! Am I the one really losing out here??
Hi Robert
Sorry to hear you had this annoying problem! Hopefully she’s responded by now – it takes me a while to reply to people here, unfortunately. Considering the nature of your comment, I wish I’d been able to reply sooner! Anyway, I hope you had the opportunity to speak to her about it and see her again. Perhaps this time insist on it being a setting of your choice, and make it as relaxing and comfortable as possible.
Ethan
I’m in the same boat other than I have a child she has 3. Hands down the most attractive woman I’ve had any sort of relationship with. We’ve been on dates, movie nights. I’ve stayed the night with just foreplay. Once a successful intercourse. But there are times it’s just not 100% erect and I can tell she’s frustrated. Doesn’t help with me watching porn. I bartend and my sleep pattern is off. I admit though my lifestyle hasn’t changed while I’ve seen other women. My most recent ex and I used to have sex just about everyday. Sometimes twice. She and I were comfortable with each others body and mindset in the bedroom. She was also a little more assertive. If she wanted it she made it happen nothing crazy but she was passionate. This woman seems to be used to the man taking action completely. Maybe it’s just comfortablity but it seems foreplay is not one of her things…
Hello guys ill tell u my side of the story and i would like to hear your opinions, excuse me for any mistakes English is not my first language. Well i am 19 yrs old and i don’t have much experience around sex(i ve been with 1 woman 1 time in my life) Well i met a girl in a club she “went” on me but i didn’t like her though and i thought i would have just had 1 more exp. i had a lot of drinks but wasn’t drunk, she came to my place i did everything on her but she didn’t touch me much. Well, i couldn’t get a 100% erection but she barely touched me i wasn’t feeling much comfortable with her i felt SO BAD i thought that it would be easier that i would have full erection while i am fingering her or getting her licked but no..my little friend didn’t get aroused. It was the first time to face a problem like this. In a strip club the striper got me aroused in 1-2 mins(u ll say that this is her job but ok) 2 months ago i was giving massage to a girl that i liked and i was erected but i couldn’t do something more cause more people where on the house.BUT why i faced this problem with the other girl? I felt so bad like i have erectile dysfunction or i am gay (lol) i even took a sexuality test on the internet just for fun and i am straight but why? why me? i talked to this to a friend and he told me that he had the same problem for once with his GIRLFRIEND and he wasn’t feeling comfortable so i guess that i had the same problem..Sorry for english and tell me if u ever had this.
Hi John
First of all, your English isn’t bad at all, well, apart from all the swearing!
Anyway, I guess it could be because you need to be stimulated yourself to get erect, unless you really like the girl. You said yourself you didn’t really like her, so it makes sense that with no physical stimulation from her, you didn’t get erect.
I guess the lesson to learn is avoid playing around with girls you don’t actually like!
Ethan
Hi there,
Ill start with the fact that this is the first time i speak about this in “public” and i only talked about it briefly with my ex…
Since i broke up with my 4 year relationship ive tried to have sex with multiple very very attractive women, but i always failed to have a proper erection..it would always be like 40-70% but thats it…i was always devastated and it still hurts me because they where very attracted to me… i would get a 100% erection while masturbating or with MY EX….the girl i was with for 4 years….it still haunts me …i dnt know why…i feel like the only woman that i can enjoy sex with is my ex…it is killing me…ive been in love.with other women but i destroyed my relationships because i felt weak and unworthy….. any help..?
Hi Aaron
It sounds to me like maybe you’re just not over your ex yet. Perhaps it would help you to have some time out to yourself, and avoid women for a while, to work out what you really want, find confidence in yourself again and be able to move on.
Ethan
Hey Ethan,
I’m having the same problem. I had sex with my girlfriend once away on a weekend vacation for the first time that was subpar at best. I think ever since then I’ve had it in my head that I’ll never be hard enough for my girlfriend. Recently she broke up with me claiming she didn’t love me but I truly think the bedroom issues have been the cause of concern for her. We tried another time where right before penetration she said she doesn’t know what to do with a limp penis. That really bummed me out. It hurt to hear especially with the prior experiences not being great. After that second time I felt she could do more to help me out and I think she took this as me blaming her. I know the reason it ended recently was 95% due to this sexual anxiety I’m having and was gonna chance one more discussion about it to see if that helped and maybe got us back together. We both really care about each other but I feel the not connecting on this sexual level has left us both doubtful about if the other person is right for us. When do you know it’s anxiety or something else? Is lack of effort/experimenting on her part a possible additional cause to my anxiety? I really care about this girl and we click mostly on every other level. I don’t want this to be the reason not to see how far this can go.
Hi Bill
Sorry to hear things went that way for you. It’s difficult when a girl doesn’t want to stick around, and I think something that sadly happens too often. In many cases I think either they feel bad, thinking they don’t turn you on, or they just can’t be bothered or don’t know how to deal with a guy who has sexual problems.
I think the worst thing is to start attributing blame in any way. It’s much healthier and more likely to fix the problem to focus on what might actually help.
I guess the trick thing in your situation is how to convince her to have another go without that becoming a huge pressure for both of you. If anxiety was an initial cause, which I guess is hard to tell exactly, but seems likely, then you need to create a scenario which reduces the anxiety. Perhaps you could just talk openly, tell her you’ve done some research, think it’s just anxiety and the best thing for you is if you just spend some time together with no pressure to have penetrative sex. And if you can spend the night together, even better, as you’ll probably wake up feeling more relaxed. Then focus on other stuff – massage, foreplay, manual and oral etc. If it happens it happens, and if it doesn’t it doesn’t. But try to avoid sex being the end “goal” and measure of success. If you can convince her of that, you’ll have a good chance. Otherwise, I guess you could just have one last go as you say, and maybe try a supplement or other med that might help!
Ethan
Ive had this problem recently as well, in my last relationship things started off slow. we struggled with sex for about the first couple months but then i was able to overcome it and give her amazing sex. A year later i am not with this woman anymore and have struggled with muliple women ever since. Im 23 and ive been with 5 women ever since my last relationship and ALL have been failures. But what ive learned from this is that you have to come to a state of self-awarness. Know who you are and be confident about it. Keep trying regardless of how many times you fail. This is what life is about.
Hi John
Thanks for the interesting, positive and encouraging words! I think you’re right in that it’s good to remember that life is all about picking yourself up and not giving up in the face of difficulties. Nice one for taking a step back and seeing this issue in broader terms.
Ethan
I’ve noticed an issue in my sex life recently. When I was with my last girlfriend 3 years ago, I had no sex drive the entire time we were together. It seemed like nothing turned me on. I was in love with her. And now I’ve met this girl that is simply amazing and the same thing is happening. My mind is telling me that it’s anxiety, because it seems like I have to try to be sexually aroused (but without avail). Any thoughts?
Hi John
Sorry to hear about your problem there. Do you get aroused ok when masturbating? Do you have tastes that aren’t fulfilled by these women perhaps? It could be anxiety, as you say, but maybe also because the conditions aren’t there that you need to get aroused.
Ethan
I’ve had this problem, and I’m only 18. It’s kept me from losing my virginity for almost a year. I’ve tried with three different girls on almost 10 occasions and I haven’t been able to maintain or get an erection at all. I think it’s my nerves, but I have no reason to be nervous, as the last partner I tried with was super understanding and we tried 6 times. Even with some alcohol to calm my nerves I still can’t get there if I’m with a girl.
Hi James
Sorry to hear that – it must be very frustrating for you! Don’t give up hope though – I’m sure it will happen. Do you manage to get erections OK when you’re alone? Have you tried spending the night with a girl so that you can relax overnight and try in the morning? For me, that’s a crucial way to totally relax with someone, rather than hoping it happens in a few hours one evening.
Ethan
I can get a hard on just fine even when i watching porn it jumps straight up and even when i think about sex i can get it up. Plz dnt laugh at me. Im abit worried im 17 about to lose my virginity and im very scared my penis will let me down. Its killing me.
Hi Daniel
Sorry it’s taken a long time to reply. If it hasn’t happened yet, and you’re still worrying, there’s really no reason to. The vast majority of guys are absolutely fine! So try to put the fear out of your mind, relax and enjoy your time with your partner.
Ethan
Hey Ethan,
Glad I found you on here. I am 99% sure that my problem is anxiety, every time I’m about to go meet with a girl to have sex, I get so sôo so nervous and anxious. I start to think about what if I don’t get an erection..? And it messes me up. What do you think I should do? I’m 25 and really unsatisfied with my situation… thank you!
Hi Phil
Good to know you like the site. Well, you could try the tips in the article – they seemed to help me! But also, I guess if you get that anxious you can try to work on your anxiety before you meet – perhaps doing relaxation exercises or anything you find helps you stay calm. It may be though, that you have to work on the anxiety when you’re actually together, which might mean giving it time for you to relax with her and not stressing if you don’t ‘perform’ instantly. And if nothing else works, having an alcoholic drink or two together seems to help!
Ethan
I’d like to thank you for writing this! Not sure how many other women have read or commented.
Had a similar experience as these with an amazing guy I’d known for over a year who unfortunately, seems to be too humiliated/beating himself up to even look me in the eye now. Which is a shame. The intimacy was incredible regardless.
Hi Christie
No problem, and some women have commented in the past.
That’s a shame – did you only try once and then he was too embarrassed to try again? Did you see him again to give him more time?
Ethan
Hi,
I have started a relationship with a woman who is sexy and gorgeous, and I have fallen in love with her. She is “the one” but I have trouble getting or maintaining an erection. Sometimes I can with no problem, but maintaining it is often an issue. She is so understanding, She is fantastic.
I wonder if it’s because I think so much of her that I am having problems. Perhaps I am putting pressure on myself. Also neither of us have our own place so we have to make the most of opportunities that arise, which can put pressure on us I suppose.
I am in my early 50s and have always had plenty of sexual stamina. What has gone wrong I wonder, now that I have met the girl of my dreams.
Will
Hi Will
I imagine pressure could be an issue there – many guys have reported having more problems when they really like the girl. Add to that the problem of having to seize the moment, and it’s even more pressure, as you say. Hopefully it will settle down in time, but I’d also try the tips in the article and the comments here.
Ethan
I have this exact same problem. Unfortunately I’m very physically active and get pretty regular sleep so I’m not sure what it could be. I’m incredibly sexually attracted to my partners. Very confusing.
Hi Greg
It could be because of anxiety then, as is my case and many other guys here. You could try some of my ideas, but it might also be a case of dealing with it by taking ownership of the issue with confidence and making sure they stick around for long enough that you can get through the difficult start.
Ethan