A lot of men have difficulty finding the clitoris; even women do sometimes, so don’t feel too bad about it. And to be honest, finding it in the throws of passion (especially in the dark!) isn’t always so easy.
Given that every woman is different, you can’t always rely on past experience. So in this article, I’ll be giving you some advice to help you find the clitoris, explaining why it’s important for sex, and how to best stimulate it.
What is the clitoris?
The clitoris is the female sex organ, just like the penis is the male sex organ. Most people refer to the visible part, which is on average the size of a pea, as the clitoris.
But really, the visible part is just the clitoris glans, with around three quarters of the clitoris hidden inside the body.
The clitoris glans is a bundle of sensory nerve endings that’s very sensitive, and gives pleasure when stimulated. In fact, it has around 8000 nerves endings – more than twice as many as the penis!
What does the clitoris do?
Scientists generally agree that the sole function of the clitoris is to provide sexual pleasure. And if you want your partner to orgasm, you’ll almost certainly need to stimulate her clitoris.
Penetration alone isn’t always enough, since simple penetration doesn’t usually directly stimulate the clitoris.
Research shows that around 75% of women can’t orgasm solely from penetration. So that means you’ll need some good techniques for stimulating her clitoris. And there are three main ways you can do that (which we’ll get to in a moment).
How to find the clitoris
Ah, the million dollar question. So, the clitoris is a small bump just above the vaginal opening. However, the precise location varies by woman. To add to that problem, the anatomy of the vulva itself often hides the clitoris away.
Add in swelling and lubrication when she’s aroused, and maybe you’re in semi-darkness or she’s under the bed covers, and all of a sudden it’s not as simple as looking at a diagram!
The important thing to remember is that the clitoris is much easier to find when a woman is turned on, since it swells up. So get down to some proper foreplay first, before you go searching.
Finding the clitoris by touch
The easiest way is by touch. Gently dip a finger into her vaginal opening and then draw a straight vertical line up towards her nose. That bump that you feel on the way up, usually no more than a few centimeters above the vagina, should be the clitoris.
Finding it by sight
The vulva has a lot of tissue, so if you’re looking (rather than feeling) for the clitoris, you’ll need to part the lips gently to either side.
When you part the lips of the vulva, you’ll see her vaginal opening. Just above her opening you should see a raised area in the shape of an upside down V, the bump at the top of which is the clitoris. It basically looks like a pink bump surrounded by tissue.
To make things even more complicated, the clitoris might be covered by the clitoral hood. If you put your thumb above that bump you found and gently pull up, the hood (skin) should move upwards, and the bright red clitoris will be revealed.
During oral sex is a good time to explore the area visually, as it will be natural for you to be down there, and a good time to part her lips in search of the clitoris.
Finding it from behind
If you’re having trouble finding it during sex, sometimes it’s easier to find it in the same way she does. Standing or lying behind her, reach around and touch her. Again, draw that line up from the vaginal opening, and feel for the bump.
Finding it with your tongue
For tongue guys, you’ll probably find that the clitoris feels a little harder and smoother than the rest of the vulva area (but you’re more likely to succeed with your fingers first!).
How to stimulate the clitoris
Stimulating her with your tongue is by far the best method. Briefly, as I see it there are four essential keys to being a great oral lover:
- Start out slowly. Tease her by kissing her thighs, tummy and then the entire vulva area.
- When you start on her clitoris, use the flat, top part of your tongue at first. Only when she gets more aroused move to the tip of your tongue, which is harder and can give more direct stimulation.
- Keep up a constant rhythm when you find one she likes – don’t keep changing the speed, pressure or style.
- Be willing to experiment. Try a new technique until you find one she likes, and even ask her what works best for her.
If you’d like more in-depth advice about giving good oral sex, check out my oral sex article, which has lots of great ideas and techniques.
Going for the manual option is a little more tricky, but definitely achievable if you’re patient. There are two important factors for good manual stimulation: position and lubrication.
The easiest position to go for here is side by side, with you lying next to her and leaning over slightly to allow your dominant hand to touch her.
You’ll need plenty of lubrication, and using a lubricant is usually a good idea even if she’s already wet. It’ll make the whole process more enjoyable for both of you.
Begin by stroking the whole vulva area and even the insides of her thighs. As she gets more turned on, move towards the clitoris and circle your finger around it.
If the circling is working, then begin to rub the clitoris, gently up and down with little to no pressure at all. Make sure that your finger stays lubricated (dip inside her to get more lubrication if necessary).
Some women enjoy rubbing against a wider area than the relatively small finger tip. So try using the base of the palm of your hand to see if she responds by grinding herself on your hand.
As she gets closer, rub harder and faster. Respond to her movements and instructions, or her breathing. Do what makes her moan.
3. Through penetration
First up, some lucky women can orgasm through penetration alone. This is mostly down to her anatomy, and is more luck than anything else.
However, if your partner can’t, there are ways that you can stimulate the clitoris during penetration so that she can.
4. Using a toy
There are sex toys specifically designed for this purpose. The most common one is a cock ring that will stimulate her clitoris whilst you’re penetrating her, so it’s fun for both of you.
5. With the right position
Some positions are better than others for clitoral stimulation during sex. Depending on your partner these may or may not work, so you’ll need to experiment.
You sitting up on a chair with her sitting on your lap facing you will allow her to rub her clitoris against you, possibly letting her orgasm.
If you’re looking for something a little more traditional, then simple missionary but with a pillow placed under her butt might work.
Alternatively, switching things up and having her lie on top could do the job.
Like I said though, none of these are a sure thing, you’ll just have to try them to find out. Personally, no position has ever worked for me, but you might get lucky.
6. Combining penetration and manual stimulation
Probably the best and most common option is to combine techniques. That means that during penetration either you or she stimulates the clitoris manually.
Doggy style or spooning tend to be the most effective positions for this. They allow either one of you to easily reach the clitoris, and stroke it at the same time as penetrative sex is happening.
7. Clitoral stimulation after orgasm
If you’ve already had your orgasm and she hasn’t (or she wants more), then clitoral stimulation is the way to go. Don’t be afraid of getting down there with your hands or tongue to give her more pleasure.
Just because you’re finished doesn’t mean that she is, of course. But what about if she has finished, and still wants more?
Most women are capable of multiple orgasms, and for the most part all you need to do is get back to work and do things all over again.
Do be aware though that the clitoris is sensitive right after orgasm, so if you’re starting again, you’ll need to start very gently and slowly.
In fact, it’s best to avoid the clitoris altogether for a while until she’s completely turned on again. Play with her breasts, stroke the vulva area, but be careful around the clitoris.
What not to do
The clitoris isn’t a button, so simply pressing it isn’t going to do anything. Rhythmic movement, either circling or rubbing, is best.
Don’t be too rough either – the clitoris is sensitive, just like your penis is. Be gentle unless you feel her pressing against you asking for more.
And when it comes to that clitoral hood, the clitoris under it is extremely sensitive. As your partner becomes aroused the hood will gently draw back. You can pull the hood back a little once she’s turned on, but don’t do it straight away, since she’ll be far too sensitive for you to touch under it.
Finally, don’t be impatient. It takes most women a while to orgasm, so get comfortable and as long as she’s enjoying herself, just keep doing what you’re doing.
The clitoris isn’t rocket science
Yes, the clitoris can be a little hard to find, but you can find it, and if you can’t, just ask for her help. Ask her to show you how she likes to be touched and watch carefully, that way you’ll know where to look and what to do.
If you want your partner to enjoy sex as much as you do, then clitoral stimulation is a must. Trust me, she’ll more than repay the favor!
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