Foreplay Tips To Drive Her Wild

image of a woman with the quote - Skip the foreplay and just do it already!!-

Foreplay is essential to great sex, it’s just that simple. In fact, if you can master the seductive art of foreplay, you’re a solid 80% of your way to pleasing your partner.

Probably the primary complaint I hear from women is that their partner’s foreplay sucks. Not that his penis is too small, not he doesn’t last long enough, not he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Just that he doesn’t spend enough time focusing on quality foreplay.

Why is foreplay so important?!

You’re a guy – you get turned on, you get an erection, and you’re ready to go. Foreplay might be nice for you, but it’s just the cherry on the cake.

Women simply don’t work the same way.

In many ways, it all boils down to the matter of lubrication. When a woman wants sex she (usually) gets wet, but that wetness doesn’t usually happen immediately. It takes time, and some women take longer than others.

A woman can be turned on without being wet at all, but without lubrication sex is painful. One of the main aims of foreplay is to get her wet so that she can enjoy sex (and you too, since her lubrication will make it feel better).

You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure out foreplay though. You don’t need fancy moves or crazy sex toys; you just need a few good ideas, some common sense and the ability to resist rushing it.

image of a couple engaging in foreplay

The long game

Foreplay is a long game. You might have heard it said that sex for women is a mental thing, and that’s somewhat true. To be a master of foreplay you need to know that it never stops.

We’re not talking about ten minutes before getting down to the real action; we’re talking about an entire evening. Don’t panic though – I’m not suggesting you spend hours giving her oral sex!

What I mean is building up during the day. Try surprising her with a cheeky or romantic text message. Hand holding when you’re walking down the street, touching, caressing, sliding your arm around her waist – all these things count.

And ideally, during the course of your evening, you want to maintain as much casual touching as possible.

In terms of more intense foreplay, how long should you be spending? That depends on you and your partner. No woman is the same. Actually, no encounter is the same. Sometimes fast is fine, sometimes slow is better, even with the same woman.

I know that’s not exactly a definitive answer, but putting a time limit on these things is tough. If you want a basic rule: keep going until either she’s obviously lubricated and turned on, or until she asks for more.

More on that in a bit.

Moving on

So, you’ve been doing the sweet stuff like holding hands and casually touching all night. Now it’s time to move on to something a little more passionate. Your first move is simple: kissing.

Don’t underestimate it and don’t over-complicate things. Kissing is a fantastic start and an important step.

Begin gently and softly, and take your cue from her. When she starts to exert more pressure, go in for deeper kisses. Kiss like you were in high school; kiss like sex isn’t an option and kissing is all you’ll be allowed to do.

And when you’re both ready, move things to the bedroom (or wherever else you like), and begin removing clothing. And by ready, I mean you honestly can’t take anymore and you have to move on.

Don’t make the rookie mistake of going for her jeans button (or yours) too early on. You’re building up to a climax here, so don’t rush things.

The non erogenous

Once you’re comfortable and (mostly) naked, move on to touching, but steer clear of the erogenous zones for now (the breasts and genitals). Neck kissing, kissing down her chest to her stomach, stroking the insides of her thighs are all good moves.

Get creative with the way you touch, for example lifting her arms over her head and very gently stroking the tips of your fingers down from her wrists to the upper arm to the armpit and then down the side of her body to her hips.

The idea is to prolong the sensuality of the experience, subtly teasing her and showing her you’re into her whole body, not just the parts guys like most. So when you do get to the sexier places she’s already ready to be touched there. In fact, she’s longing to be touched there.

The erogenous

When breathing is harder, and pulses are racing, you’re ready to turn things up a notch. But we’re still leaving the genitals alone for a little longer. Head up to the breasts, stroke them gently, run your thumb across her nipples.

When her nipples are hard, tease her by seductively licking around them at first. Then you can lick her nipples, and finally suck them, keeping a steady rhythm.

Nipples are sensitive, and you need to be gentle unless she asks for more pressure. The rookie mistake here is the “twister.” You are NOT tuning a radio. Please don’t twist and turn nipples, very few women like this. Sucking, on the other hand, is much more pleasurable.

You can also stroke the inside of her thighs, moving your hand closer and closer, maybe even brushing over her vagina, but not touching anything directly yet.

sexy woman lying down

A quick interlude

Alright, before we get to the main event, we need to come back and address this lubrication issue again. There’s a new rule in your life: nothing dry touches a vagina. Ever. Got it?

All women are different. Some women will get literally dripping wet, others won’t get wet at all. There are many reasons for dryness (illness, medication, age, stress) which have nothing to do with you. It’s entirely possible for a woman to be very turned on without being wet at all. Don’t take it personally.

Also realize that even if a woman is getting wet, that lubrication is coming from up inside her. That means that the outside part of her genitals won’t necessarily be wet. Which brings us back to our new rule.

If you’re about to touch her down there you need to discreetly pop your finger into your mouth and wet it first. Consider this a courtesy, and do it every time. A dry finger isn’t comfortable.

image of a hand using lubricantThings aren’t getting wet down there? Don’t panic. Here’s a second new rule for you: keep a bottle of lube in your bedside drawer. Lubricant is absolutely the most important tool you can keep in your bedroom. Period.

Put the lube on her (don’t just hand her the bottle). If this is a new thing, and you’re worried about how she’ll react, then put a little lube on yourself first, then some on her. That way she’ll know that it’s for everyone’s pleasure.

Oh, and one more thing. Be a gent and warm it up in your hand first if the bedroom is chilly – nothing makes a woman recoil quicker than a guy slapping cold lube onto her vagina.

Back to the action

You’re ready to head to the down below, and now you’ve got a choice to make: you can either use your hand, or your tongue (or maybe go big and do both). Either way, your initial move is to stroke and caress around the vulva. Ignore that clitoris for now, it doesn’t exist yet.

The sensitive areas you should be aiming for? Well, there are three. The first is the silky area of skin just at the bottom of her opening. The second is the first few millimeters inside the opening itself. And the third… is the sweet spot.

The sweet spot is a little place just to the side of the clitoris. If you imagine that the clitoris is the face of a clock, stroke gently at what would be about one o’clock. You’ll know when you hit it (she’ll react), so stroke that area rhythmically.

Oral sex is arguably an art form, and too few guys really know how to do it well. So rather than give a quick summary here, I highly recommend taking a few minutes to read my detailed article about giving a girl good oral sex.

Ready to go?

So, are you ready for sex now? There are some sure signs. The surest of all is that she asks you. Sounds simple, but there it is.

However, if she’s well lubricated (naturally or artificially), her lips (both the ones on her face and the ones down below) are swollen, and the color of her vagina has deepened, then yes, she’s almost certainly ready.

Becoming the master

If you want to be a true master of foreplay, then there are two things that you really, really need to know. Firstly, communicate. Nothing takes the place of good communication. Ask if she likes something. Pay attention to her responses. If her breathing quickens, you’re doing something right, so continue.

Secondly, the one big thing that makes a difference is desire. No matter how clumsy you might be (or feel), whether your technique is good or not, whether you have tons of experience or none at all, nothing takes the place of desire.

Looking at her and touching her as if you can’t believe you’re allowed to, as if she’s the only thing in the world that you want, will do more to turn her on than anything else. Sounds corny, but it’s true.

Foreplay is essential for good sex. There’s no way around it. But it’s not difficult to do (honestly, it’s really not) and just by deciding to spend plenty of time on it, you’ve already taken the most important step to mastering the concept of foreplay.

Good foreplay will increase the chances of your partner reaching orgasm, but it will also improve your experience. Lubrication will make things better for you, and she’ll want you more. Crude, but true again.

So no excuses. Sex without foreplay is like exercise without stretching. And let’s be honest, it’s not exactly hard work. Some might even say it’s fun…

Your thoughts

What does foreplay mean to you? What do you like to do with your partner? Feel free to share your ideas and ask questions in the comments below!

52 comments

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  1. My best female friend has had a number of horrible experiences totally turning her off sex. As we have become more than friends I’ve patiently been bringing down those walls. Been reading your articles about touch and listening to her body. I took my time, made it my goal to please her first. Well it’s working flawlessly.. I’ve realised you can have her shaking uncontrollably without entering her. She is still apprehensive but I think I’m on the right track. Thanks

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi James
      It sounds like you’re just the thing she might need then after a run of bad luck. A man who takes the time to learn how to please a woman better, and is patient with her, is probably going to be great for both her, and the both of you.
      I wish you all the best together!

  2. Anonymous - again

    Thank you Karen

    I believe I am going to undergo a small paradigm shift. While I had considered patience in playing with my wife’s genital area to be essential (but as stated previously this is not working as standalone foreplay), I now realize from yours and other comments that one should engage a two step process: Get her sex interest going first in a mostly clothed state, foreplay phase #1 with a bit of tease, then move onto phase #2, the undressed foreplay using tease and patience.

    Incidentally, I read that doing dishes, rubbing feet etc are good ways to get her interested; not here. But I must admit she has hinted that “I should focus more on her, not just her genitals”. With luck on this new adventure, I hope I will be able to play with her more/longer. Maybe I just haven’t been doing things right.

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi there
      As they say, the best way to turn a woman on is through her mind…

  3. Anonymous

    I appreciate the guidance given – the “gold standard”.

    My wife and I are in our early 70’s. For a number of years I have experienced a reversal of the process. While I would like to draw things out with more foreplay, especially the touching phase, she is less patient and the majority of times wants to move to intercourse after brief play. This almost always requires some lubrication assistance, but the end result is always satisfying – every 3 to 5 days, but there are “misfires” occasionally where I run out of steam. I feel cheated (if you can imagine that) that I cannot play with her longer. She does feel that there is a risk of more “misfires” when things are delayed, but this subjective and I believe a relatively low risk. I frequently make it clear that I would like to play with her longer, its a lota fun, but to no avail.

    Are you aware of cases where the husband wants more foreplay time, and the woman wants reduced foreplay time?

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi there
      Yes, there are definitely more partners out there where the man wants more foreplay but then woman wants to get straight to the ‘good bit’. Perhaps there’s a compromise, or perhaps it’s a good time to practice your teasing of her.

  4. Anonymous

    Do you think it’s ok to send this link to my partner. He doesn’t know what to do aside from fiddling with my nipples which is getting really boring

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi there
      Sure, if you think he’ll take it well. Alternatively, you could read through it together in a moment when you’re feeling connected and think he’ll take it well!

  5. d puasaini

    innumerable thanks to the writer for giving wonderful tips to make matrimonial life a bliss

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi there
      You’re very welcome! I think there’s a bit more to making matrimonial advice blissful, but good foreplay will certainly help…

  6. Hlupekile

    I really wish my boyfriend would take the initiative to read this. We recently both had sex for the first time and already I can tell that there is a lot missing because all he ever wants is the penetration itself. My question is, how do I bring up the sensitive topic of foreplay without seeming demanding or hurting his feelings?

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Hlupekile
      Well, it’s not always necessary to bring it up in a conversation right away, especially if he is inexperienced. You could first try taking the lead, playing with him and teasing him, and making him realise more subtly that you expect and enjoy more foreplay before getting to sex. If you play the seductive, but also in control role, he might get it and play along. But if that doesn’t work, and he really doesn’t understand and just rushes to sex, then yes, you need to just tell him. It doesn’t have to be all serious – you can be smiley, laugh and tell him ‘hold on a second mister…’ with a cheeky grin. Then tell him you really enjoy the sex, but want to enjoy each other’s bodies in other ways too before rushing to sex. Make him feel that you like him so much you want to spend even more time getting hot and horny before sex. And if that still doesn’t work, then a more direct conversation either before or after sex might be needed!

  7. Austin C.

    I think everything is in order except the male shouldn’t remove any clothing at all, any women will tell you the man’s body is the most unattractive thing on the planet trust me they don’t want to see you without your clothes on; the woman should be the only one getting pleasured. the foreplay and oral sex are the only thing a women enjoys so don’t plan on getting your dick wet because they don’t want it.

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Austin
      I really don’t agree – on literally everything you said. Many women love the sight of a naked man, enjoy sharing pleasure not just receiving, love sex also, and do want it!

    2. Why do I feel like Austin has some serious insecurities about himself? As a result, he trash talks all men as a coping mechanism. Just a thought…..

  8. Thanks, this article have a lot of knowledge! I hope i can perform this sooner.

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Mark
      You’re welcome! I hope it proves to be useful!

  9. Foreplay, as you layed it out, is not just warming up to intimacy as it is also the magical glue, or ‘bonding’ that a couple relies on, stated or not, foreplay is a natural phenomenon in a committed relationship. While I agree that ‘foreplay’ as a means to and end (sex) is a hot topic, I’m grateful that at 52 years of age, it isn’t always that ‘end’ in my mind. I believe my gal is fortunate that ‘foreplay’ is a daily meal for us, a natural tendency toward the other, where we are spontaneous when intimacy is triggered. It’s magical for her, for me, ‘overflow’, as we refer to it. Do you think ‘foreplay’ is culturally marginalized as the ‘key to sex’?

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Richard
      It’s great that you have such a wonderful and intimate connection with your partner by the sound of it. I don’t think foreplay is necessarily culturally marginalized – it’s just that most people think the word means the sexual activity that leads up to sex. If you choose to take foreplay out of the bedroom and into daily life, that’s great, but perhaps not what everyone would feel like doing.

  10. I find this article very useful with many techniques I have either forgotten to use or never have done. Thank you!
    For me the foreplay is a big pleasure and fun to do. I can do it for hours depending on my partner. But, you really have to be able to sense your partner and to choose the right moment too. Recently I ran into the situation of no desire in my, I’d say future partner. It was pleasure for both of us, but she has recently left her previous boyfriend and was not completely ready for new relationship or sex.
    I am wondering if this is right.. Or, maybe I was doing something wrong she didn’t like. She says she need time before getting into new relationship. From a man standpoint it’s difficult to understand that, because men are ready almost all the time. We need just a few days, weeks or months (the worst case) to get it started with the new girl. But, women are different. No question about it!
    So, my question is, is this situation normal from a woman standpoint. Or, maybe she is just trying to get rid of me?

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Antonino
      This is very normal and nothing to panic about. It might be that she thought she was ready, or just went with the moment because she likes you and it attracted to you. But only when she actually got physical, did she maybe realise that she’s not quite ready.
      My advice is to be patient and understanding. Tell her you understand, and don’t need to rush anything. Let her feel that she has space and room to work through her feelings and also maybe see you. The worst thing you can do it pressure her or make her feel bad for not going further, as she probably won’t respond well to that. So just be patient if you really like her:-)
      Karen

    2. Anonymous

      Foreplay is very important to bring a woman in orgasm. The most effective foreplay is sucking of vagina by the man through tongue and at the same time sucking of penis by the woman. It gave immense pleasure to both and lady feels more pleasure come to orgasm very quickly. With this practice vagina become wet within no time and both of you can enjoy sex.

  11. I have been with my bf for 5 yrs and he doesn’t foreplay at all hasn’t a clue what to do below my breasts don’t think he has had many partners…he thinks our sex life is great. can’t bring myself to scream at him…he doesn’t touch me at all below my beasts…how do I guide or tell him nicely ….

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Sharon
      Well, maybe if he’s that unaware of what foreplay is all about, the only way might be to just tell him openly and as nicely as possible what you’d like him to do! It’s not always easy to find a subtle way to get a guy to do more or less of something, so it’s often best just to be straight up honest. But make sure you first tell him all the stuff you love that he does. Start with some positives, then go in for the chat about things you’d like more of.
      Karen

      1. I find it hard to say anything as I haven’t ever had to with previous partners…I’m trying to avoid sex altogether..we had to buy ky gel as has he doesn’t touch me down there and i was getting sore …sometimes he just says hope on …I do. just to get it over with …doesnt he think well why do we need gel ?obviously he has no clue. we dont talk about it at all which I know is very odd in a relationship .which questions me is he really for me ..he asks me to wear something sexy and I think it ok mate wot about me ….so I don’t wear it ..don’t laugh but he even lets me watch tv while he’s having sex with my breasts lol ….which says it all really …

        1. Karen Martinez

          Hi Sharon
          I see…sounds like a complete lack of intimacy, romance, eroticism going on there. Have you tried setting something up where you’re more in control? Set the scene in the bedroom with candles, low lighting, soft music, wear something nice that YOU want to wear. Invite him in, take control, seduce him, tell him to relax and be patient while you teach him, through example, what it means to enjoy the whole experience and not just ‘hop on’. Failing that, a cheeky slap in the face next time he says hop on, and tell him no sex until he’s willing to have a chat about what you really need…
          Karen

        2. I’m to blame in the chat as well I think if I followed ur good advice I just think it’s something he doesn’t do with partners …we use sex toys but that’s so he doesn’t have to touch me himself I think it’s a lost cause tbh…I can seduce him but he wouldn’t do any thing else just think ow lucky is he ..it’s all a bit odd….we used to av sex a lot in the beginning but as I’m so bored I avoid it when I can either he’s very inexperienced or very nieve or he’s keeping to what he does.. don’t think he would do oral etc even if I asked …

        3. Karen Martinez

          Hi
          It’s a shame it’s got to the point where you feel it’s a lost cause. You deserve to have a good sex life, so my advice would be not to give up, and to have a serious chat with him if you think more subtle approached won’t work. Sometimes people just need a bit of a wake-up call. If it was good once, it can be good again!
          Karen

  12. I’ve been with my bf for 5 yrs he doesn’t do foreplay at all no touching below my beasts I want to scream at him but I can’t and I say nothing he thinks we have great sex and says wow that was great …..and it was not…I feel time has gone on now to tell him or approach the subject without hurting his feelings

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Sharon
      Definitely. It’s not fair to you, and you’re not doing him any favors in letting him maintain the illusion that his sex life is perfect. I think the trick is to tell him all the stuff you love about him and intimacy together, then gently suggest what you’d like more of. Have a read of my article about talking about sex too – there should be some practical ideal in there for you to tackle the subject.
      karen

  13. This was really helpful, I’m only 17 and I’ve never done anything sexual before, due to being with the wrong people. But now I’ve found someone I’m comfortable with and we’re starting to get to that point, but she is very experienced and I feel like I’m not enough, so reading this has actually made me feel so much better, thanks (:

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Sheldon
      You’re very welcome. I think it’s a good idea to do some reading to prepare yourself. But try not to stress about it too much about the difference in experience. We’re always learning new things, and it’s a different experience with each partner we have. So no matter what she knows, it’s a fresh start and something for you two to enjoy and explore together.
      Karen

  14. imRainmaker

    GREAT!! Yours articles are more than GREATS.

    You are doing a great job.

    Thank to you 2 ;)

  15. You have brought a new taste of wonder to an elderly academic. Thank you so much Karen. Go from strength to strength. The remarks about diet are very cogent.

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi David
      You’re most welcome! I’m happy to hear you liked the article!
      Karen

  16. Well written article. A little lengthy but a very good read. I especially appreciated the part about non erogenous zones…. most men overlook that. Love the words of advice given.

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Rc
      Thanks! You should see some of Ethan’s epic articles if you thought this was lengthy…
      I’m happy you liked the advice though, and I hope you and your partner both benefit from it.
      Karen

  17. Excellent and concise, much appreciated, straightforward information, thank you Karen

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Colin
      Thanks! It’s nice to know the article is appreciated.
      Karen

  18. Without reading the comments I did the practical of what you are suggesting. It was all about her. When finished I asked her how was that, it was the best ever; we have been married for 46-years. I continue to research for the best options, can’t wait until the next time, there is a timing of when and how often. I don’t want her to think I am sex driven. I did buy her an extremely sheer bra, her nipples looked great I started at the top and worked my way down. Just simply rubbing her nipples in this bra was a real turn on for her. I touched her new black underwear; the thrust of her pussy was enough to tell me we were well on the way……you can fill in the blanks.

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Larry
      I’m very pleased she thought it was the best ever! That’s the best outcome we could want for our readers. I hope things keep getting better and better:-)
      Karen

  19. Anonymous

    That was theory now let the practical begin,can’t wait to explore her.

  20. Thanks for the awesome tips, I really appreciate it! I love spending time on foreplay with my gf, so you’ve given me some fun new ideas to try!

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Brian
      You’re welcome – I hope they bring you many happy times:-)
      Karen

  21. If u want to be strong on a bed what types of food you should eat

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Elves
      What do you mean by strong exactly? I think the best thing for good sexual performance of any type is to just eat the healthiest, most balanced diet you can, and drink plenty of water. Try to avoid smoking, too much alcohol or drugs.
      Karen

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