How To Give A Woman An Orgasm: Experiment And Observe

photo of a woman's facial expression during orgasm

When it comes to the female orgasm, every partner is like a completely new puzzle to work out. People are different, so you need to start afresh and discover what makes her tick in bed.

Although there are key techniques that most people will enjoy, such as good foreplay and clitoral stimulation, you might find your partner needs something different to previous partners to reliably reach orgasm.

In this article, I’ll share some great techniques you can try. But more importantly, I’ll explain how to go about honing in on what’s most likely to help your partner have fantastic orgasms.

Observe what works physically

It’s always fun to try new positions, moves, and techniques. Just try not to get caught up in your own pleasure or anxiety about doing them right.

If your partner doesn’t usually have an orgasm, don’t keep doing the same thing and keep your fingers crossed that this time she’ll have an orgasm.

You need to pay close attention to how she responds to everything you do together during foreplay and sex.

If she likes a position or movement, do it for longer, try variations, and then add it to your repertoire for the future. If she doesn’t respond so much, move on to the next idea.

Try to be the Sherlock Holmes of your sex life: investigate every physical, emotional and verbal clue she gives you that you’re doing things right.

Observe what works mentally and emotionally

photo of a man and woman hugging and laughing in bed

Some will say that women need more of an emotional connection to reach orgasm. Personally, I think it depends on the person and the nature of your relationship.

You’ll learn over time whether your partner needs more of an emotional connection, raw physical energy, or a balance of the two.

Does she tend to climax more often when sex follows a romantic, fun, or relaxed evening together, or a deep conversation about everything and nothing? Does she like it when you gaze longingly into one another’s eyes and whisper sweet words during foreplay?

Perhaps she prefers you to take her by surprise when you get home from work, talk dirty, or not even talk at all?

There’s no magic formula, and it’s up to you to keep a mental note of what situations and type of sexual encounters get her fired up.

Ask her directly what works

One easy way to unlock her secrets is to simply ask her directly what she thinks she needs to have an orgasm. It’s likely she’ll know what works for her, as well as what definitely doesn’t.

It’s probably better not to ask her just before or during sex. Ask her at another time when you’re both feeling relaxing (a glass of wine might help!), or even after sex if you’re cuddling and feeling good.

She’ll tell you if she needs prolonged penetration, soft and slow, rough and hard, kinky sex, manual or oral stimulation. Maybe all of those in just the right order!

If you aren’t up for an open discussion though, there are some points that might help if you’re going the long way round and working it out with observation alone.

The importance of the clitoris

Women are less likely to climax if the conditions aren’t right, even if the sex feels amazing to you. It’s not as simple as it is for most men, where sex + X amount of time = orgasm.

Sexual intercourse alone is less likely to produce an orgasm because it can leave the all-important clitoris without the right kind of stimulation.

The clitoris, for many women, is essential to orgasm.

How do you ensure the clitoris is given enough attention? Try these ideas:

  • Give her oral sex before penetration. This can either be to get her as turned on as possible, or produce an orgasm before you have sex.
  • Try a position where you can reach around with one hand and rub her clitoris. Spoons, doggy style, and reverse cowgirl are great for that.
  • Let her sit on top of you during sex. This gives her the control and freedom to do a grinding motion to stimulate her clitoris. If she does that a lot, it’s a strong sign you’ll need to focus on her clitoral stimulation generally.
  • Suggest she stimulates her clitoris herself during sex. If she’s up for that, it’s a fantastic way for her to orgasm because she’s more experienced than you are at stimulating her own clitoris. In my experience, not all women are comfortable touching themselves during sex. If she doesn’t do it naturally, and doesn’t respond positively to your suggestion, just leave it.

Variety, surprise and good foreplay

Men sometimes think of sex as penetration, with foreplay consisting of undressing, a bit of kissing, perhaps some obligatory oral sex, or massage of the nipples and breasts. But many women wish men paid more attention to quality foreplay.

Foreplay can drive a woman wild, so allow plenty of time for kissing, massage, caressing, and non-penetrative fun and games. All of this will help you in your ultimate goal of getting her turned on to the point where an orgasm is more likely to happen.

By taking a little time with foreplay, women can have an orgasm before the intercourse has even begun. And that has the added benefit of reducing some of your stress if you suffer from issues like premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction.

Pay attention to all the different erogenous zones

man and woman passionately kissing in bed

One of the key ways to trigger a positive response from a woman is to pay some attention to all of her erogenous zones.

As well as the more obvious pleasure spots on the female body, such as the clitoris, g-spot, and breasts, there are other areas that women love a man to touch during foreplay. The scalp, neck, wrists, and inner thighs, to name just a few.

One of my favorites is to get myself into a position when giving her oral that lets my arms extend up her body as much as possible.

That way, I can caress all the way from her lower legs to her breasts and arms while my tongue works its magic. And with some experimentation, you’ll soon find areas on her body that make her shudder or moan in pleasure.

Explore different positions

Change positions and mix things up to help make the sexual experience more pleasurable and varied. Even if you have your own favorites during sex, remember to play around with other positions before you settle into your and her favorites.

Some positions will lead to orgasm easier than others, so be playful and see what works best for you both. You might be surprised to find that some women love being on top, where they can feel in charge and in control of their pleasure.

Others enjoy a position where the man can penetrate the woman but also use his fingers to rub her clitoris or other parts of the body (those erogenous zones again).

Communicate your likes and dislikes, and experiment to see what feels best for both of you.

Know when not to change position

To reach orgasm, many women need a period of time where you simply maintain the exact same movements for a period of time. It might be 30 seconds, a minute, two minutes, or much longer.

It might be a constant and sustained rhythm. It could be a specific speed, pressure, position, and/or movement. It probably won’t be right from the start, but once you’ve had sex for a while, at some point she may want to settle into this fixed and constant rhythm.

It could also be that it’s a certain position and movement, but you steadily build the speed and pressure over a few minutes. Again, it goes back to the core point of how everyone is different and you’ll need to find out what her ‘finishing move’ is – assuming she has one.

There may be times then when she will feel that she’s in the perfect position to reach an orgasm, and that you’re doing things just right.

You either need to learn to recognize when this happens, or ask her to tell you. That’s when experimentation and position changing are over, and you need to keep doing exactly what you’re doing until she climaxes.

3 little secrets to try

Here are a few secrets that might also help your partner orgasm:

  • Warm up her feet. Scientists have found that the odds of women reaching orgasm are increased by 30% if her feet are warm.
  • Kiss the right side of her spine. This makes some women tingle and heightens sexual feelings.
  • Wear a musky scent. Smell is the strongest of the five senses when it comes to sex. A musky scent can mimic testosterone and boost her libido. If she orgasms that time around, the association of the same smell might even help her next time too.

Your ideas

Do you have any tips to share that you’ve found works for one or more partners? Let me know in the comments below!


  1. Thank you. My spouse and I had let intimacy slide as we have aged, so we have been enjoying getting into the groove again. She only orgasms from manual or oral stimulation, and I also find it wonderful to be able to bring her to orgasm orally. I always enjoy it when she likes that I find her beautiful down there. It is a win for both of us. I like that you stress the importance of open communication.

  2. Great tips, and as a woman I totally agree with what’s said here. I hate it when a guy goes too quick from the get-go and will just find a way to stop him. Take your time guys and don’t use the tip of your tongue as much as the flat, soft top of the tongue. Em

  3. Hi. My wife doesn’t like oral kissing, nipple kissing and caressing, clitoral stimulation and she said she feels good only during intercourse. She also doesn’t like prolonged penetration. Does she have a problem?

    • Hi Fabiless
      It sounds like maybe she’s just not that into sex. Has it always been this way with her, or did something change recently? Have you spoken to her openly to ask her what she does like, and what it is that she doesn’t like about oral etc? Maybe she feels insecure, maybe she doesn’t find the way you’re doing it turns her on and there’s a style she’s not spoken about. Or maybe she really just doesn’t have a high sex drive. These are things to discuss with her really, in as calm and non-judgmental way as possible.

  4. Hi there,
    my girlfriend wants to jump to penetration directly, and i don’t think i can make her orgasm only by penetration. What do I do?

    • Hi Sam
      My advice is to talk to her about it openly. And try to take more control – it can be very sexy for a woman to have her partner tease her and make her wait. So if you’re confident enough, make her wait for it by giving her more foreplay and oral sex etc.

    • Hi Andrew
      If you don’t have the staying power to keep going with penetrative sex, one answer lies in becoming amazing at oral sex. And you can also spend lots more time on foreplay and focus on finding the best position and movement for your partner so that you can bring that time down.

      • Hi Andrew – I’ve looked at many, many responses. You’re the most accurate for me. I’m 74 with a dead penis but I’d really love to lick women to have orgasms. What should I do?

  5. Wow.. Thanks for your piece of advice here….. I’ve not tried any though but i’m going to and hopefully it works…. My problem is that with a condom i can last up to 1 hour but without i can’t boast of 5mins… I wonder if you can help me?

    • Hi Vowe
      I’m glad you found the article uesful! It’s a very common thing for guys to last much longer with a condom on. You could try a desensitizing spray without the condom, if physical sensitivity is the main issue. I’d also suggest looking around this site for help. There are lots of articles with information about improving your sexual stamina.

  6. WOW!!!! What a night my wife and I just had!! Thanks for the advice, ( like paying attention to other zones ) she went wild. We have been together for some time and I’ve never seen her like that. Your advice and my eagerness to please turned her into an animal. All I can think to say is ,” Thank you” . And WOW!!!

  7. Thanks this is quite some good advice only that my girlfriend doesn’t like to be fingered n I don’t know why

    • Hi Ngwenya
      I’m glad you found the advice useful. Some women just don’t like being fingered, and that’s the way they are. However, perhaps you’re doing it too soon, before she is properly lubricated, or doing it too forcefully. Or it could even be something like worrying about dirty hands. Maybe if you ask her you’ll get an answer. Otherwise, try after having a shower together and don’t use your fingers until she is very lubricated, and then go slowly and don’t enter too much or make too much movement unless you feel she’s enjoying it.
      At the end of the day though, you might just have to accept the fact that she’s not into it, and that’s totally OK.

  8. Below are 5 cunnilingus tips to help you get started.
    Start Slowly
    Don’t rush to the finish, it’s more of a marathon than a one hundred meter sprint. Begin by kissing her body, starting from her neck and working your way down; remember no-where is of limits, kiss her stomach, her legs and anywhere else you can think of. This will help her to relax and feel comfortable.
    Take Control
    Give her the opportunity to be totally swept away by you. Before you go down on her, hold both her hands with yours and put them above her head. Then tell her that your in control and that she is not to move her hands unless you tell her that it’s okay to do so. This will only add to the overall tease factor, guaranteeing a successful climax.
    Don’t Let Her Have It All At Once
    Once you begin using your tongue on her vagina, don’t be afraid to tease her. Gently lick her clitoris and vagina and then begin kissing her body again. Every time you do this, extend the length you do it for. After a while begin licking her out properly. Start by gently kissing her clit and the outsides of her vagina.
    ABC, It’s Easy As 123
    A great little technique when going down on a woman is the alphabet technique. With your tongue inside her vagina, begin spelling out the alphabet with your tongue. This is a great way to cover all areas of her vagina and it also allows you to begin discovering where she is most sensitive.
    Fingers And All
    The tongue is more than capable of doing all the work itself, but you can take a woman even further by using your fingers. A great technique is to lick her clit and then gently put your middle finger inside her vagina. You can then rest you index finger and ring finger on the outside of her vagina. If she seems comfortable you can use the come hither technique. Using you index and middle finger, put them inside her vagina and then with the fingers inside her pretend you are signalling for someone to come over to you.

    • Hi Chicky
      Thanks for sharing your ideas. I agree with everything you said and especially the come hither technique at the end – it’s a good way to describe the action which works so well for most women.

  9. Me and my girlfriend of 10 years always get more turned on by trying new things or holding, tying the partners arms & legs down or whatever resistance makes you hornier. Just remember if you talk about it before or during and dont be to rough & have a safe word so you’re not hurting the other partner. Just remember

    • Hi John
      It’s always good to try new things. I think that getting into a bit of S&M can be a lot of fun. And you’re right in that talking openly and having safe words etc is critical to ensuring you both feel safe to explore that side of your sexuality and enjoy it to the max.

  10. I do like to thank you for making out of ignorance i have before that the only way to orgasm the woman is only the intercourse action but now i have tried and my love appreciate me am sweetest man because these ways i learned here help me to know how to stimulate her.

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