Have you ever met someone you really liked, and everything seemed to go perfectly up until the moment you first end up in bed together?
And then it starts to go horribly wrong.
Maybe you reach climax before she’s anywhere close to having an orgasm. Perhaps you can’t get an erection, or it goes soft when you try to put a condom on or have sex.
If this sounds familiar, there’s a possibility that sexual performance anxiety is contributing to the problem you’re having.
If it’s something you think you might be experiencing, this article will hopefully help you find ways to tackle it and enjoy your sex life in full.
How do you know if you have performance anxiety?
Do you regularly worry about any of the following:
- How good your sexual performance is.
- How long you typically last during sex.
- If you’ll have a good enough erection.
- If your partner will have an orgasm.
- If she’ll think you’re big enough, handsome enough or good enough in bed.
Many men will have worries like these from time to time. But if they become too overwhelming, they can cause problems for your confidence and sex life.
It’s not just men that can experience this problem though. Researchers have found that performance anxiety has a key role in either the development or continuity of sexual dysfunction in both men and women.
You can deal with it
Fortunately, sexual performance anxiety is something which can be overcome – even if that seems like a distant hope right now.
I know from personal experience because I suffered from it for a long time, and eventually managed to control it.
What causes it?
There are many possible causes of sex anxiety, and several factors can come together to create a cocktail of negative thinking. Here are a few common reasons:
1. Porn star role models
How often do you watch porn, or even see what seems like incredible sex in normal movies? Adult movies, however, often present a very skewed image of what ‘normal’ sex is like.
This may be both about what your partner
But this is unrealistic and well beyond what the average man lasts for during sex (5.4 minutes according to some sex surveys).
It’s also not what most women desire (7 to 13 minutes is adequate according to one famous survey).
It’s also worth bearing in mind that men in these movies have some help to perform as well as they appear to, such as:
- Filming in more than one take.
- Use desensitizing products like sprays or creams.
- Ejaculate before filming.
- He may not be attracted to the other woman/man.
- Have sex several times per day.
- Use pills like Viagra to keep going.
Nobody puts home videos on the internet of times when it didn’t work out.
So don’t compare yourself to porn actors, and you’ll have more self-esteem in regards to what you can do.
2. Men boasting about their sex lives
Men like to boast about their sexual prowess. Not all men, of course, but enough do to make others feel inadequate. Maybe they just choose their best moments or get creative with the truth.
When men start telling jokes, everyone feels obliged to come up with jokes that are equally funny. The same happens when talking about sex.
If someone announces that they lasted ages and their partner had the best time ever, how many men are then going to say, ‘oh, last night I was done in under 2 minutes’?
So try not to believe what you hear the next time you’re with a group of guys having a beer and the conversation goes that way.
3. Expecting to be amazing every time
Men can feel that they should be able to perform well every time. This is another unrealistic expectation that can lead to sexual anxiety.
There are so many different things that can affect how a particular sexual experience will turn out, for example:
- Your age.
- How tired you are.
- Your hormones.
- Your health – both physical and mental.
- Your levels of stress or anxiety about other issues in your life.
- How you feel about your partner and/or your relationship with them.
- How you feel about yourself.
- Alcohol or drugs.
- How long it is since you last had sex.
- The place where you’re having sex.
- The memory of your previous sexual experiences and your feelings about them.
All of these factors can come into play in any particular combination. Sometimes it results in a great experience; other times not so satisfactory.
So it’s important to realize, accept and be okay with the fact that sometimes things just won’t go the way you want them to.
This is especially important if you haven’t been having sex for long. It can take time to get used to the excitement and pleasure of sex.
So go easy on yourself if your first time(s) don’t go according to plan.
4. Negative thoughts when it doesn’t turn out how you expected
If you do have a ‘bad’ sexual experience it can be easy to draw the wrong conclusions.
If you allow thoughts like ‘I’m no good in bed’ or ‘I’ll never last long enough’ to stick in your head, there’s the chance you’ll slip into the vicious cycle of anxiety about your sex life.
This is when the anxiety itself can become a major factor in issues like premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction.
5. The vicious circle
The result of this kind of negative thinking may be that you end up in a vicious circle.
Your worry about not lasting long enough itself causes you to climax too soon. Or worrying about not getting an erection stops you from getting one.
It could be that your first sexual encounter was over quickly because of a combination of nerves, excitement and not being prepared for the overwhelming experience of having sex.
But rather than thinking it was just you not being used to it, you may have thought ‘damn, I’m one of those guys that can’t last very long’.
And that belief then turned into a fear, which meant that it happened the next
The key is to not allow yourself to make these kinds of damning statements. They eat away at your confidence and keep you stuck in the vicious circle of stress and worry about the next time.
What happens when you have sexual performance anxiety?
If you enter into sexual encounters with anxiety, it can affect you in a couple of major ways.
First of all, you’ll probably not be feeling relaxed before having sex. If it’s with a new partner, that’s very normal. But the tension created by anxiety isn’t the same as excitement.
The combination of the two might make you climax too quickly, or have other difficulties such as not getting an erection.
Secondly, you can get stuck in your mind and thoughts, worrying that it will ‘happen again’. This means you’re not doing 4 important things:
- Enjoying the experience to the max.
- Being aware of the sensations in your body which warn you that you need to switch positions, rest, relax or just breathe.
- Keeping relaxed – a physically tense body will ejaculate quicker or struggle to get an erection.
- Paying attention to what your partner is doing and how they are feeling.
Ways to control it
Hopefully just reading this will start the ball rolling in undoing some of the negative thinking that you may have about sex.
But realistically, it may take more work to overcome this level of anxiety. Here are some things you can do.
1. Tackle stress and anxiety outside of the bedroom
Anxiety doesn’t just have to be tackled in relation to sex. You can also find ways to reduce your overall stress or anxiety levels in life:
- Try meditation, breathing exercises, mindfulness, yoga or any physical exercise or hobby you find relaxing.
- Work on other issues in your life which are causing you problems. It could be that work stress if affecting you.
- Keep fit and healthy, with a good diet. This can improve both your physical and mental state.
2. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else
This includes professionals, people in naughty films, that guy in the bar and your friends.
3. Remember that not every time will be perfect
You won’t always last as long as you want and you may not always get the best erection. There are factors beyond your control sometimes, and sometimes you need to accept that.
4. Try not to get into a cycle of fear
I know this is like saying ‘the solution to the problem is to just not have the problem’ which isn’t very helpful.
But it’s important to remember that constantly thinking and worrying that ‘it’s going to happen again’ will make it more likely.
5. Communicate with your partner
If you keep all your worries inside your own head then they will feel bigger and harder to deal with.
The anxiety is a lot to do with how you think they feel. So if you discuss it, you can work together to find solutions or alternatives to what is currently happening in the bedroom.
6. Changing the goals to reduce the fear of failure
Sexual performance anxiety ultimately boils down to the fear of failure.
You may see failure as the inability to maintain a rock hard erection and bring your partner to orgasm through 10 to 20 minutes of penetrative sex.
It may be then that you’ve set yourself an unreasonable goal at this moment in your life.
You have the power to change that goal though, especially if you discuss it with your partner.
Perhaps the two of you can decide that you’ll find other ways of pleasuring one another. The goal could be that you are both satisfied through any means possible.
If you talk openly, develop an open mindset and think beyond basic sex, then you reduce the fear of failure by changing what success means.
If you pleasure your partner in bed every time through other means, it will build your self-confidence. It will help you feel that you’re a man who can make her happy in bed.
And then little by little this increase in confidence and self-esteem will help you improve on the things you were previously having difficulty with.
7. Consider professional help
Sometimes all the self-help advice in the world doesn’t quite do the trick. You might benefit from professional help from a counselor, therapist or psychologist.
They can be particularly useful for helping you develop more positive ways of thinking. And help you discover any reasons contributing to the sexual worries that you weren’t aware of.
8. Avoid drugs and alcohol
Both legal and illegal drugs can have an effect on both your sexual functioning and mindset.
Many men realize that drinking alcohol can help them last longer in bed, for example. But drink too much and it can stop you from getting a proper erection.
It’s a tricky line to walk and in many ways it’s best to stick with the rule that healthy is best when it comes to sex.
9. Slow down, breathe and try to relax
From the minute you start kissing right up to having sex you need to take action to keep yourself calm.
Controlling your breathing is one of the best ways to keep both your body and mind more relaxed. Longer, deeper and controlled breaths will keep you steady.
And with the actual act, although there’s no denying the passion of a ‘quickie’ can be exhilarating, it’s not always the best if you’re a natural born worrier.
Women also like a slow, sensual and passionate build up. Take time over the foreplay. And when you do get down to having sex, you don’t need to go at it like a jackhammer.
Changing the speed, hardness, depth, and rhythm can all work well.
The final word
If there’s one thing you take away from this article, make it this: you can change your expectations about sex right away.
Tell yourself that from now on, sex isn’t just about your ability to last forever or have endless erections at the click of a finger. Neither is orgasm the only goal, and if your partner doesn’t climax, it’s a failue.
Sex should be about you and your partner enjoying each others company. And finding fun and interesting ways to satisfy
Check out the uplifting personal story about overcoming anxiety around sex on medium.com. The author described how a sex therapist helped him see things differently.
Healthline.com has a thorough article looking at different aspects of how performance anxiety can lead to erectile dysfunction.
Do you get anxious about sex? What do you think causes it or helps you relax? Leave a comment!