How To Talk To Your Partner About Sex & Your Desires

couple talking about sex in bedEveryone deserves to have a great sex life. So although it’s essential to please your partner in bed, it’s equally important that your desires are fulfilled too.

Good communication is a crucial part of any sexual relationship. But how do you tell your partner that you want a little more oral, dirty talk or spanking in bed? And how can you share your naughtiest fantasies without them running for the hills?

In this article, I’ll suggest some simple ways to talk to your partner about sex. If you follow this advice, hopefully you’ll both get a little more of what you want between the sheets.

Step one: is it a big or a small desire?

Almost certainly you have something in mind that you’d really like to try. Your first step is to decide whether it’s a big thing or a small thing.

Use your common sense here; there’s a big difference between wanting a little more oral action, and wanting to tie up your partner and unleash your inner BDSM beast.

If what you want doesn’t stray too far from what you’re already getting, it’s a small thing and communication about it can be handled in the bedroom. But if you yearn for something more unusual or extreme, it might be better to discuss it outside the bedroom.

image of a woman carrying a whip

Step two: dealing with things inside the bedroom

Perhaps you’d like oral sex, maybe you want to try some light bondage. Activities that aren’t too different from what you’re already doing can be handled easily inside the bedroom itself.

In fact, sometimes these desires can be expressed without much discussion at all. Most women, myself included, like trying new and exciting things in the bedroom.

But a long discussion can just detract from the spontaneity and excitement of it all. And women have many sexual fantasies, so you bringing  up yours isn’t likely to shock us.

For the smaller stuff, it’s fine to just introduce them gently and see how it goes. For example, have some neck ties at the ready and see if she’ll let you tie her wrists together or to the bed.

If you do decide to be spontaneous, there are some important points to bear in mind:

Pay attention to her body language

You know your partner. If you’re trying something new, be extra observant to what her body is telling you. Is she making all the right noises? Does she show physical signs of being turned on, such as lubrication? Or does she tense up, telling you she’s not comfortable?

Pay attention to your body language

You also need to make sure that you’re giving off the right signals. The classic example here is a guy asking for oral sex. A hand on the her head and a forceful push down is just plain rude; a light hand on the shoulder and a gentle gesture downwards is fine.

Don’t let your body language become overbearing or too forceful, whatever you’re trying, or you’re likely to scare your partner off the idea.

Use your words

It’s true that not every new thing requires a long discussion, but letting us know what’s going on gives us the chance to either say no or participate more eagerly.

A simple statement is fine, such as “Close your eyes…relax…I’m going to tie your hands to the bed and give you the most intense pleasure you’ve ever had.” Or “I’d really like you to suck me, please.”

You don’t need to be a magician to pull these things off, just use language.

And if it’s all a bit too intense, try adding some lightheartedness or comedy. For example, “are you ready for the magic tongue, baby?” (your tongue, that is…)

Be patient

Adding new things to your repertoire isn’t always an instant and smooth process. Accept the fact that it might not work the first time, that she might not want to the first time (but may change her mind later). Or even that you might not enjoy it as much as you thought.

Give things time and experiment a little, but don’t expect that things will necessarily change in one second.

If this less formal process really doesn’t work for you, or you want to try something that’s very different from the normal, then take that conversation outside of the boudoir.

man and woman playing with a sexy blindfold

Step three: dealing with things outside the bedroom

Resolving things outside the bedroom can be a bit more intimidating. Communicating about sex when you’re both naked is one thing, but doing it when you’re clothed and sitting on the couch is quite another. But if you’ve got a big ask, this is the only way to handle it.

Scary? Yes, but think about the possible pay off here – you could be about to have an amazing sexual experience. And if your partner is invested in your relationship, it’s unlikely that he or she is going to be completely disgusted by whatever it is that you want.

How do you go about having this conversation? It might not be as tough as you think. Here are some ideas for handling it:

The place

The best place for this kind of discussion is in the living room where you’re comfortable. Not in public, and probably not over dinner either!

The time

Don’t be distracted by anything else. Turn the TV off, ignore the phone. Choose a time when you’re both relaxed.

The conversation

Keep things short, and say what’s on your mind. The less you beat around the bush, the faster this will be over.

A good way to present your wishes is by doing what’s called “bookending.” This means placing what you want to say in the middle of two positive statements, something like this:

“I love the sex that we have” (positive statement 1)

“And I’d really love to try X” (what you want to try)

“Because I trust you and feel close to you, and I feel like we’d have a great time”  (positive statement 2)

This technique frames what you want to say in a positive light, making it sound less like a criticism, and more like an exciting new idea.

The aftermath

Be prepared for the fact that your partner may not agree immediately (or at all). These things can take time. If your partner seems unsure then ask if they have any questions. And then answer their questions as honestly as possible.

Remember, this isn’t a fight, and it’s not a criticism. Remain calm, keep your voice low and talk things through. You guys are prepared to share your bodies, so sharing what’s on your mind shouldn’t be a big deal.

Step four: help for the non-confrontational

It’s generally best to be open and communicative about things in a relationship. However, there are a few ways that you can help make the communication less confrontational, and more fun.

Sharing fantasies, for example, can be a lot easier than one person saying what they want, since sharing is a more give and take process. Let’s take a look at 3 options you could try.

Option one: phone Apps

Thanks to modern technology, there are some great ways to go about mutual fantasy discovery. Apps like Kindu, for example, can help you find some naughty common ground.

You each download the App, answer some questions, and then it compiles the fantasies that you both share. And importantly, the ones only one of you likes is kept private.

example of a sex communication app

Option two: online

The website mojoupgrade also lets you share your fantasies and discover more about each other without completely giving up your privacy. If both of you say you want to try a threesome, that will appear on your final report. If only you’re into it, it will remain hidden.

Option three: the old-fashioned way

You might want to try a less high tech (and in my opinion more fun) version of this. Each of you writes down your top ten fantasies on slips of paper. Then fold them all up, drop them in a jar, and choose one whenever you feel like adding something new to proceedings.

Great communication means great sex

Talking about sex, or bringing new things into the bedroom, can both seem kind of frightening. But the truth is, in a good relationship, it really shouldn’t be. Adults in a relationship should be able to talk about their sex life.

As long as you’re careful not to be critical (not saying that your partner is bad in bed, or implying that without X your sex life can’t be complete), there’s no reason this discussion should go badly.

Have your say

The pay off here is that you could well get to try something that you’ve always wanted to try.

It took me six long months before I summoned up the courage to tell my partner that I really wanted to try some dirty role play. And now it’s a regular part of our sex life – and the conversation we had lasted a grand total of two minutes!

What are your thoughts? Have you experienced one of these difficult conversations? How did it turn out? Do you have any further tips? Be sure to let us know in the comments section below!

You might also like

Another fun way to introduce new things to your love life is with couples’ sex games. And if your sex life has been slowly dwindling over time, I have some useful advice to help keep your sex life alive in long-term relationships.

Related Articles

Leave a comment

Only enter your email if you'd like to follow this conversation. Your email will not be published. Feel free to comment without entering your email or name.