How To Talk To Your Partner About your Sexual Desires

couple talking in bed

Everyone deserves to have a great sex life. So although it’s important to please your partner in bed, it’s equally essential that your own desires are fulfilled.

Good communication is a cornerstone of a flourishing sexual relationship. But how do you tell your partner that you want longer foreplay, more oral sex or even a bit of spanking in bed?

And how can you share your naughtiest fantasies without them running for the hills? Hopefully, the ideas in this article will help you both get a little more of what you want between the sheets.


Just how big a change is it?

Whatever it is that you’re yearning for in bed, it’s good to first decide if it’s just a small thing, or a major change to what you currently do together.

There’s a big difference between wanting a little more oral, or wishing you could tie up your partner and go all 50 shades of grey on them.

If what you want doesn’t stray too far from what you already do, it’s a small thing and communication about it can be handled in the bedroom. But if you’re aching for something more unusual or extreme, it might be better to discuss it outside the bedroom.

image of a woman carrying a whip

Communicating your desires while in bed

Perhaps your partner skimps on the oral. Maybe you’d like to use a blindfold or try the 69 position. Activities that aren’t too different from what you’re already doing can be handled easily inside the bedroom itself.

In fact, sometimes these desires can be expressed without much discussion at all. Most women like trying new and exciting things in the bedroom. But a long discussion can just detract from the spontaneity and excitement.

For the smaller stuff, it’s probably fine to just introduce them gently and see how it goes. For example, have a necktie at the ready and see if she’ll let you cover her eyes with a whisper in her ear that you’re going to kiss and caress her from head to toe.

If you do decide to be spontaneous, there are some important points to bear in mind:

Pay attention to her body language

You know your partner. If you’re trying something new, be extra observant to what her body is telling you. Is she making all the right noises?

Does she show physical signs of being turned on, such as lubrication? Or does she tense up, telling you she’s not comfortable?

Pay attention to your body language

You also need to make sure that you’re giving off the right signals. The classic example here is a man asking for oral sex.

A hand on her head and a forceful push down is more than a little bit rude. A light hand on the shoulder and a gentle gesture downwards is fine.

Don’t let your body language become overbearing or too forceful whatever you’re trying, or you’re likely to scare your partner off the idea.

Use words

It’s true that not every new sexual activity requires a long discussion. But letting her know what’s going on gives her the chance to either say no or participate more eagerly.

A simple statement is fine, such as “Close your eyes…relax…I’m going to tie your hands to the bed and give you the most intense pleasure you’ve ever had.” Or “I’d really like you to suck me, please.”

You don’t need to be a magician to pull these things off – just use language and a sexy, but gentle, tone of voice.

And if it’s all a bit too intense, try adding some lightheartedness or comedy: “are you ready for the magic tongue, baby?”

Be patient

Adding new things to your repertoire isn’t always an instant and smooth process.

Accept the fact that it might not work the first time, that she might not want to the first time (but may change her mind later). Or even that you might not enjoy it as much as you thought.

Give it time and experiment a little, but don’t expect that your sex life/routine will necessarily change in a day.

If this less formal process really doesn’t work for you, or you want to try something that’s very different from the normal, it’s perhaps best to take that conversation outside of the boudoir.

man and woman playing with a sexy blindfold

Dealing with your requests outside the bedroom

Communicating about sex when you’re both naked is one thing. Chatting about it when you’re clothed and sitting on the couch is quite another.

But if you’ve got a big ask, this is perhaps the best way to handle it.

Scary though? Maybe, but think about the possible pay off here – you could be about to have an amazing sexual experience. And if your partner is invested in your relationship, it’s unlikely that he or she is going to be completely disgusted by whatever it is that you want.

How do you go about having this conversation? Here are some ideas for handling it:

The place

The best place for this kind of discussion is in the living room where you’re comfortable. Not in public, and probably not over dinner either!

The time

Don’t be distracted by anything else. Turn the TV off, ignore the phone. Choose a time when you’re both relaxed.

The conversation

Keep the introduction short, and say what’s on your mind. The less you beat around the bush, the sooner you’ll know how she feels about it.

A good way to present your wishes is by doing what’s called bookending. This means placing what you want to say in the middle of two positive statements, something like this:

“I love the sex that we have” (positive statement 1)

“And I’d really love to try X” (what you want to try)

“Because I trust you and feel close to you, and I feel like we’d have a great time”  (positive statement 2)

This technique frames what you want to say in a positive light, making it sound less like a criticism, and more like an exciting new idea.

The aftermath

Be prepared for the fact that your partner may not agree immediately (or at all). Big requests that were unexpected can take time to process. If your partner seems unsure, ask if they have any questions. And then answer their questions as honestly as possible.

Remember, this isn’t a fight, and it’s not a criticism. Remain calm, keep your voice low and talk things through. You’re prepared to share your body, so sharing what’s on your mind shouldn’t be a big deal.


Ideas for the non-confrontational

It’s generally best to be open and communicative about things in a relationship. However, there are a few ways that you can help make the communication less confrontational and more fun.

Sharing fantasies, for example, can be a lot easier than one person saying what they want, since sharing is a more give and take process. Let’s take a look at 3 options you could try.

1. Mutual fantasy discovery Apps

Thanks to modern technology, there are some great ways to go about mutual fantasy discovery. Apps like Kindu can help you find some naughty common ground.

You each download the App, answer some questions, and then it compiles the fantasies that you both share. And importantly, the ones only one of you likes is kept private.

example of a sex communication app

2. Online

The website Mojoupgrade also lets you share your fantasies and discover more about each other without completely giving up your privacy.

If both of you say you want to try a threesome, that will appear on your final report. If only you’re into it, it will remain hidden.

3. The old-fashioned way

You might want to try a less high tech (and in my opinion more fun) version of this.

Each of you writes down your top ten fantasies on slips of paper. Then fold them all up, drop them in a jar, and choose one whenever you feel like adding something new to proceedings.


Great communication means great sex

Talking about sex, or bringing new ideas into the bedroom, can both seem kind of frightening. But the truth is, in a good relationship, it really shouldn’t be.

As long as you’re careful not to be critical (not saying that your partner is bad in bed, or implying that without X your sex life can’t be complete), there’s no reason this discussion should go badly.

Have your say

The pay off here is that you could get to try something that you’ve always wanted to try. It took me months before I summoned up the courage to tell my partner that I really wanted to try some dirty role play. It’s now a regular part of our sex life – and the conversation took a grand total of two minutes!

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Another fun way to introduce new and exciting moments to your love life is with sex games.

Your thoughts

What do you think is the best way to communicate your sexual desires? Just be bold and get on with it, or have a heart to heart? Let me know in the comments section below!

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