Most people care about
As men, we’re sometimes consumed by the same old worries about our ‘performance’ in bed. Was it enough foreplay? Did they enjoy my oral skills? Did I last long enough to make them come?
Whilst it’s great to work on your technique, it’s also good to focus on some basics that can sometimes fall by the wayside, intentionally or unintentionally.
1. Poor personal hygiene
Women generally aren’t very fond of bad smells. But where sex is concerned, personal hygiene may need to be a little more than a quick daily shower.
Make sure your nails are trimmed
Heard of the term ‘manscaping’?
You don’t need to clean shave, but keeping that pubic hair under control is a nice touch. Shorter hair means a more pleasant oral experience for her, and as a bonus can also make
And wherever possible, give your junk a good wash before getting down to business.
2. Not enough foreplay
Good foreplay is essential. It gets a woman lubricated, makes sex more comfortable for both of you and increases her chance of an orgasm.
Foreplay isn’t simply a bit of kissing, fondling and token oral. It should be enjoyed in its own right – a time to tease, seduce and build arousal so that sex is even better.
Take whatever you think the duration of foreplay should be and double it. In fact, triple it! She’ll thank you for it.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
3. Being an engineer
It may be a generalization, but men are often more logically or mechanically minded than a lot of women are.
But treating a woman’s body
Instead, treat her body like something that’s constantly changing. Caressing, kissing, licking – these are all fine. But start pressing buttons and you won’t accomplish anything.
According to some experts, only a quarter of women consistently achieve orgasm through penetration. So pushing fingers in and out of her vagina is unlikely to make her feel good either.
Be gentle, be responsive to her needs (we’ll get to that in a moment), and remember that she’s
4. The old switcheroo
Physical sensations generally aren’t enough for a woman to achieve orgasm; she needs mental focus too. Disrupt that focus and you send her back a step on the road to orgasm.
That means that if a position or action is working, keep doing it!
Research shows that porn has a big influence on male sexual behavior. Constantly switching positions and techniques is fun to watch. But every time you experiment with a crazy new position or change rhythm, you potentially disrupt your partner’s focus.
By all
How do you know something is working? By being responsive…
5. Not being responsive
How much relationship advice revolves around listening? To be a good partner in and out of the bedroom you need to be responsive.
It doesn’t have to mean lengthy conversations in the sack, but it does mean paying attention.
Try out a position and movement and see how she reacts. Does her breathing deepen? Does she moan? Does she grab you tightly? Does her lubrication increase?
If the answer is yes, then you’re doing something right, so continue. Picking up on these little clues isn’t difficult. And if she doesn’t respond positively, stop doing it and move swiftly on.
6. Being too silent
Sex isn’t the time to be the strong, silent type. Communication is a two way street, so let her know how you’re feeling too.
You don’t need a long script of dirty talk, but moans, sighs, and a few words are appreciated. Women also like to know that they are making you happy.
7. Focusing too much on her orgasm
This might sound a counter-intuitive, but it’s unhelpful to focus too much on her orgasm, especially if she doesn’t have one.
Of course, she’ll probably be very happy if you do bring her to climax. But it helps to accept a simple truth: sometimes it’s just not going to happen.
There are all kinds of reasons for this: tiredness, stress, medication, where she is in her menstrual cycle, whether or not she’s focused enough. But there are times when it’s just not possible.
The vast majority of those reasons have nothing to do with you. But if you keep on trying you’re likely only to make matters worse.
So what should you do?
The polite way to handle the situation is to ask if she’d like a break. Feel free to try again after ten minutes or so, but she may stop you. And if she does, that’s okay. Orgasm isn’t a requirement or the only measure of good sex.
Don’t take her lack of orgasm personally. Don’t get in a mood. And don’t make her feel that you’re disappointed it didn’t happen.
8. Stopping too soon
On the other side of the coin, there are those that stop too soon. A considerate lover doesn’t deny his partner the chance of an orgasm just because they finished already.
Perhaps your partner hasn’t reached climax yet, or perhaps she just wants more. You might be feeling tired and/or content. But if she’s still feeling aroused and in need of more, you should keep your energy up.
And if you have a problem with ejaculation control, remember that your orgasm doesn’t have to be the end of proceedings.
Sex isn’t just about penetration, so you don’t need to worry about getting hard again or lasting forever. Move on to use your hands or your tongue.
In some cases, a woman will be happy to touch herself whilst you watch, kiss or
9. Moves to avoid
Despite what you may have seen online, there are a couple of moves that should be avoided unless she tells you she likes them.
The head push
If a woman is giving you oral sex, don’t think you can grab her head and push it. Why? Because she has a gag reflex and knows where it is – you don’t.
Plus, she likes to breathe, and in the heat of the moment, maybe her nose has got a little stuffed up. Pushing her head all the way down makes breathing unpleasantly difficult.
Ejaculating on her face
Unless you’re specifically asked to do it, you shouldn’t ejaculate on her face, or anywhere on her body really without permission.
Some women find it gross, and others just don’t want to have to wash it off. You can ejaculate in her mouth or into a condom. Just don’t whitewash her face because you’ve seen it online.
If you’re not sure where the boundaries are – just ask her what she likes.
10. Being over-cautious
On the other hand, there are some men that treat their partners like they’re made of glass. Even if she’s smaller and/or less powerful than you, it doesn’t mean she’s breakable.
It’s okay to use a little strength sometimes, and it’s more than okay to do dirtier things (like pushing her head down during oral) if that’s what she likes and asks for.
It boils down to communication and being responsive. Ideally, you would have a discussion about likes, dislikes, and limits.
If an open talk isn’t right for you, just pay close attention instead. If she pushes into you more firmly, moves your hands in a very clear ‘do more of this’ way, or verbalizes what she wants, you can carefully test the boundary.
It’s difficult to break a woman by having sex with her. And consensual activities (whether that’s light bondage, dirty talk, or harder sex and roleplay) are fine.
11. Not having fun
Let’s face it: sex is kind of funny sometimes.
There are unexpected noises, unusual movements, things that don’t work when they should, odd smells, cramps, and all kinds of other things.
Sex isn’t the time to take yourself too seriously.
Laugh when things go wrong. Enjoy the journey, not just the end result. Have fun, and ensure she does too. Communicate in a light-hearted, yet respectful way.
Sex can be complicated, and women’s bodies can be a mystery (even to women themselves). But by being open minded and communicating, as well as avoiding these common mistakes, you’ll be just fine.
You don’t have to be Superman – you just have to be human.
Your thoughts
Be honest – do any of these mistakes sound familiar? Or are there any others you think men would benefit from learning from? Let me know in the comments.
I agree with most of what you said but some women are really kinky and like the things you said to avoid.
My girlfriend asks me to “f%^#” her face as opposed to her giving me head. She prefers I take her head and pull it in and forcefully “F#^$” her face. I must say that it kind of freaks me out because I have no idea how it doesn’t gag this girl. I am of average length but I have better than average girth. My penis is the same diameter as a redbull can so it’s hard for me to wrap my head around how she doesn’t choke to death… I don’t do it for long intervals because I actually love my girl friend and would prefer her breathing. But once I am done she loves for me to cum on her face and chest and just treat her like my sex slave. She also has stated to me that no means yes but I do have the common sense to tell the difference between a play no and a real serious request to stop. My girlfriend also likes it when I f@$% her like a jackhammer… she loves it hard and she also likes me to handle her body in a rough manner. She likes me to spank her hard, pull her hair while I am f@$%ing her hard from behind, and choke her (very carefully) right when she starts to cum.
I indulge her in every way but I must say that this isn’t exactly my nature. I am a pleaser so I do what she likes but I prefer more sensual and passionate sex so I basically switch it up throughout our rounds.
The reason for my comment is just to point out that your suggestions wouldn’t be beneficial for all types of women. I am the type of guy that approaches sex with the same concerns and limits that you wrote in your article but I am willing to be flexible to meet the kinks of the person I am with.
Hi
Thanks for sharing your experience, and you make a totally fair point. I think the aim of the artice was to provide some ideas for men who might be wondering what’s going wrong for them – based on what an average partner may or may not like. But when you meet someone who likes rougher stuff – or even softer stuff – it’s usually pretty clear that there are a whole new set of rules, boundaries and desires. It sounds like you know that though and are handling it well. Just make sure you get to enjoy sex yourself though rather than only agreeing to do things her way, assuming you might quite like more romantic sex from time to time!
Regards
Ethan
That’s really a nice article!! Most of them commit such mistakes in bed. Well!! you’re right.it’s not just about learning new techniques; being great in bed is also about learning what not to do.
Thanks, working my way through your articles, they’re all amazing.
That’s great to hear – enjoy!