In theory, sex seems pretty simple. In practice, however, you might find yourself overwhelmed at just how complicated pleasing your partner can get.
Most men want to be the best lover they can be, but it’s not all about learning skills. Sometimes being great in bed is also about learning what not to do.
Here are some common mistakes that men tend to make. Just by avoiding them, you should find you’re a few steps closer to being the best lover you can be.
1. Poor personal hygiene
There’s nothing that a woman hates more than bad smells. But where sex is concerned, personal hygiene needs to be a little more than a daily shower.
Make sure your nails are trimmed down nice and short, and filed too. Not only do spiky nails hurt sensitive skin (and more important areas), but they harbor bacteria too, so keep ’em short.
Heard of the term “manscaping”?
You don’t need to shave yourself bare, but keeping that pubic hair well trimmed is just good manners. Shorter hair means a more pleasant oral experience for her, and as a bonus will also make your penis look bigger (no, seriously, it will).
And wherever possible try and give your junk a good wash before getting down to business.
2. Not enough foreplay
Good foreplay is essential. It gets a woman lubricated, making sex more comfortable for both of you and increasing her chances of orgasm.
And yet women still complain that too little time is spent warming up.
The lesson? Take whatever you think the duration of foreplay should be and double it. In fact, triple it! She’ll thank you for it. Check out my foreplay tips for more about this.
3. Being an engineer
It may be a generalization, but men are often more logically or mechanically minded than a lot of women are.
But treating our bodies like machines just won’t work. You’re not pressing buttons. Nipples aren’t radio tuners. The clitoris isn’t the ‘close door’ button on an elevator. And the vagina doesn’t need a jack hammer.
That might seem a little crude, but you’d be surprised how many men fall into this trap.
Instead, treat her body like something that’s constantly changing. Caressing, kissing, licking, all these are fine. But start “pressing buttons” and you won’t accomplish anything.
According to some experts, only a quarter of women consistently achieve orgasm through penetration. So pushing fingers in and out of her vagina is unlikely to make her feel good either.
Be gentle, be responsive to her needs (we’ll get to that in a moment), and remember that she’s human.
4. The old switcheroo
Here’s something that you might not know about the female orgasm: it can take a lot of concentration.
Physical sensations generally aren’t enough for a woman to achieve orgasm; she needs mental focus too. Disrupt that focus and you send her back a step (or two, or three) on the road to orgasm.
That means that if something is working, keep doing it!
Pornography has a huge influence on male sexual behavior. And constantly switching positions and techniques makes for fun watching. In reality, however, every time you change positions or techniques, you’re disrupting your partner’s focus.
By all means switch things up until you’ve found something that works. But once something is working, please don’t stop unless she specifically tells you too.
How do you know something is working? By being responsive…
5. Not being responsive
How much relationship advice revolves around listening? To be a good partner in and out of the bedroom you need to be responsive.
It doesn’t have to mean lengthy conversations in the sack, but it does mean paying attention.
Try out a position and movement and see how she reacts. Does her breathing deepen? Do her lips turn more red? Does she moan? Does lubrication increase?
If the answer is yes, then you’re doing something right, so continue. Picking up on these little clues isn’t difficult. And if she doesn’t respond positively, stop doing it and move swiftly on.
If she does respond, then try not to make too many changes (see “the old switcheroo” above).
6. Being silent
Sex isn’t the time to be the strong, silent type. Communication is a two way street, so let her know how you’re feeling too.
You don’t need a long script of dirty talk, but moans, sighs, and a few words are appreciated. We like to know that we’re doing a good job (or a bad one), so that we can satisfy you too.
Don’t go over the top – you’re not in line for an Oscar. But don’t be afraid to be a little expressive. There’s something very, very sexy about being able to make a man moan.
And there’s something terribly unsexy about being in bed with a statue.
7. Focusing too much on her orgasm
This might sound a little counter-intuitive, but a huge mistake is concentrating too much on whether or not your partner orgasms. Of course that’s part of the goal, and of course she’d like to.
But you need to accept a simple truth here: sometimes it’s just not going to happen.
There are all kinds of reasons for this: medications, where she is in her menstrual cycle, whether or not she’s focused enough. But there are times when it’s just not possible.
The vast majority of those reasons have nothing to do with you. But if you keep on trying you’re likely only to make matters worse. Penetration that lasts too long becomes painful, and so does stimulation.
Think of it like the female version of erectile dysfunction: sometimes your body just doesn’t play ball.
So what should you do?
The most polite way to handle the situation is to ask if she’d like a break. Feel free to try again after ten minutes or so, but she may stop you. And if she does, that’s okay. Orgasm isn’t a requirement for sex, believe it or not.
Try not to take things personally – this almost certainly isn’t a reflection of your skill. Just as it’s not a reflection of her attractiveness if you have erection problems.
8. Stopping too soon
On the other side of the coin, there are those that stop too soon. A kind and considerate lover doesn’t deny his partner the chance of an orgasm.
Perhaps your partner hasn’t cum yet, or perhaps she wants more. Okay, you might be feeling a bit tired, but if it’s wanted, you need to keep going!
And for those of you who have problems with ejaculation control, here’s a very valuable concept to remember: your orgasm doesn’t have to be the end of proceedings.
Sex isn’t just about penetration, so you don’t need to worry about getting hard again or lasting forever. Move on to use your hands or your tongue.
In some cases (actually, many cases), a woman will be happy to touch herself whilst you watch, or to use toys if you’re comfortable with that. Not every woman will want to continue, but it’s always polite to give her the option.
And a pro point for you: watching her pleasure herself is a great way to pick up tips for next time. Pay close attention to what she’s doing and try to emulate that the next time you’re in bed.
9. Moves to avoid
There are a couple of moves that some men believe are sexy, or that often appear in porn, that should be avoided unless she tells you herself that she likes it.
The head push
If a woman is giving you oral sex, on no account should you grab her head and push it. Why? Because I have a gag reflex, and I know where that is – you don’t. You don’t want to trigger that gag reflex.
Plus, I like to breathe, and in the heat of the moment my nose has probably got a little stuffed up. Pushing my head all the way down means that I can no longer breathe. And that’s just not nice.
Ejaculating on her face
Unless you’re specifically asked to do it, you shouldn’t ejaculate on her face, or anywhere on her body really without permission.
Some women find it disgusting. Some women don’t want to wash their hair right after, and semen in the eyes is unpleasant. Sorry to be blunt, but that’s the truth of the matter.
You can ejaculate in her mouth or into a condom of course. Just don’t pull out and ejaculate all over her face in your favorite porn scene re-enactment.
Again, if you’re not sure where the boundaries are – just ask her what she likes.
10. Being over-cautious
On the other hand, there are some men that treat their partners like they’re made of glass. Even if she’s smaller and/or less powerful than you, it doesn’t mean she’s breakable.
It’s okay to use a little strength sometimes, and it’s more than okay to do dirtier things (like pushing her head down during oral) if that’s what she likes and asks for.
Am I contradicting myself here? A little perhaps.
But this, like everything else, comes down to communication and being responsive. Ideally, you two should be having a discussion about what’s too much and what’s not.
That can be tough though. But if you’re paying attention and you see that she’s pushing her body up towards you for more stimulation, or she’s moving your hands in certain directions, or she’s even verbalizing what she wants, then go for it.
It’s pretty difficult to break a woman by having sex with her, honestly. And consensual, mutually agreed upon activities (whether that’s light bondage, dirty talk, or full on hardcore role playing) are fine.
11. Not having fun
Let’s face it: sex is ridiculous.
There are funny noises, funny movements, things that don’t work when they should, weird smells, cramps, pins and needles, and all kinds of other things.
So now isn’t the time to take yourself too seriously.
A man that can laugh when things go wrong; a man that enjoys the process of what he’s doing (not just the end result); a man that has fun in bed, and makes sure that his partner does too; a man that listens and communicates, is a man that’s a good lover.
So relax a little.
Sex can be complicated, and women’s bodies can be a mystery (even to women themselves). But by being open minded and communicating properly, as well as avoiding these common mistakes, you’ll be just fine.
You don’t have to be Superman – you just have to be human.
And if you do screw up? Well, as long as you’ve avoided the above mistakes, there’ll always be next time.
You might also like
After listing some things you should avoid, it’s time for some more positive ideas! So take a look at my article about giving a woman oral sex if you feel you need a tip or two in that department.
And for a more general look at what makes women tick in bed, have a read of my article about satisfying a women in bed.