This is my story of coping with premature ejaculation, and why I did nothing about it for so long. If it’s a problem you also have, hopefully you’ll find it a useful motivator to deal with it, along with helpful advice about what you can do.
It might also provide some solace in knowing that you’re not the only man who’s suffered the embarrassment and frustration that it brings.
In the beginning: losing my virginity and confidence
Although not all men develop premature ejaculation because of rushed masturbation, I’m fairly sure it was a major cause for me. Honestly, I would just do it as fast as possible to avoid being caught in the act.
I also think I was just a bit unlucky when I lost my virginity. I was a late starter by modern standards, losing it at 19 with a friend of a friend I met in a nightclub.
After passionately making out in the club, we went back to my place in the early hours of the morning to continue the fun. By the time things really heated up, I was so excited from hours of close dancing, flirting, and foreplay that I didn’t even make it to sex the first time we tried.
I’d never heard of the term ‘premature ejaculation’, but I obviously realized it would have been good to last on the positive side of zero seconds.
I didn’t know it at the time, but my confidence in my sexual ability took a huge hit at that moment. Like most women, she kept any disappointment to herself and did her best to make me feel like it was alright.
Unfortunately, the second time we tried wasn’t much better, and so it slowly dawned on me that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing in the bedroom. These were pre-internet days (yeah, I’m that old!), so there was a limit to how much information I could access about sex and how to be better at it.
Just to make matters worse, I now know that I naturally have a physically sensitive penis. In hindsight then, I was probably always going to have problems with my stamina in bed, no matter how much anxiety might have also played a role following those first awkward moments.
The silence
Over the next few weeks, I discovered the true extent of my problem. If I went 24 hours or more without sex, I wouldn’t last longer than a minute on average.
If we had sex several times a day, I would get better each time, though rarely lasted longer than five minutes even on the third attempt. That also depended on her being willing to wait for that better second, third or fourth time.
Since I didn’t know anything at the time about the concept of sex not being only about penetration and orgasm, over the months we gradually had sex less and less.
Looking back, I wish we had spoken openly about it, but we just didn’t. It was the awkward elephant in the bedroom for a long time.
To this day, the only thing that I still find a little embarrassing is that for the next few years I didn’t speak to any partner about the issue or try to do anything about it. Not even when I was married.
Interestingly, no girlfriend ever tried hard to talk to me about it either, apart from my ex-wife sometimes jokingly insulting me when I came too soon.
Admittedly, we would sometimes talk about the fact that I often came too quickly, but never used language that suggested it was a problem that needed fixing. In fact, what happened is that we also had sex less and less often, to the point of almost never.
The excuses
I selfishly managed to conjure up the excuse that it was precisely because we didn’t have sex very often that I couldn’t handle the pleasure on the rare occasion we did have sex. While technically true, the reality is that it’s not a chicken or the egg situation. It was my fault for not addressing it sooner.
It was only after I split up with my wife (premature ejaculation wasn’t the reason), that one day out of the blue I admitted to myself that I had a problem.
Admitting that it was a problem came with mixed feelings. I felt bad that I hadn’t done anything about it sooner and more than a little bit embarrassed as I reflected on all the rubbish sex I’d had in the past.
How many times had my ex-partners silently wished I was better in bed? How many friends had they told about their disappointment with their love life?
At the same time though, I was actually excited by the idea of trying to fix the problem, wondering what kind of lover I might be if I could just deal with this one major issue. There was a glimmer of hope that finally gave me some motivation to tackle the problem.
First steps in dealing with it
For someone who spent years ignoring it, when I finally got round to dealing with my premature ejaculation issue, I became very dedicated to the cause. The fact that I eventually created this website says enough, I think.
The hardest part was admitting it was a problem, and everything else would simply be research and practical steps. Or so I hoped.
After reading a few vague articles on men’s health websites, I read one of the many self-help ebooks sold online. It was a bit expensive, but also very useful at the time.
Reading that book gave me two things: some hope and a lot of work to do. The key, apparently, to curing premature ejaculation was to practice the right techniques during masturbation and/or sex.
I found out though that it can take a while for these natural techniques to pay off fully. In the meantime, there were some tips I learned from the book which I could try out, such as breathing slower and avoiding the positions you find too intense like missionary or doggy style.
I tried putting together as many of the simpler tips as I could remember the next few times I had sex, and did see some improvements, but it was a bit hit or miss. Once or twice I found I could last a fair bit longer, but an equal number of times I only lasted a little longer.
Trying out desensitizing products
Because I suspected that I had a very physically sensitive penis, I thought it would be worth trying one of the desensitizing products that I kept reading about online as well as working my way through the ebook.
I first experimented with some benzocaine and extra-thick condoms. They worked quite well, but I found the numbing was a bit too much sometimes and I would have preferred a solution that worked without a condom.
I next tried Priligy, which comes in pill form, but it didn’t make enough of a difference for me to be willing to put up with the side effects.
I then tried several different desensitizing sprays and creams. Like the condoms, they sometimes numbed me too much though, leaving me frustrated that nothing seemed to help much.
After a lot of trial and error, I eventually discovered a delay spray called Promescent. This was the first time I found an on-demand treatment that consistently worked well for me.
It was still only a temporary measure, but seemed to be a very effective one that reliably helped me last longer every time (check out my Promescent review for more about that spray).
So now I had something which would help me to last around 10 minutes on average instead of just 1-5 minutes, which was amazing.
Still, I wanted to know if I could cure the problem outright rather than relying on products I would potentially need to keep spending money on, so it was back to the ebook.
Natural techniques to control your arousal levels
The ebook I bought promised to you to last longer without any pills, sprays, or creams, etc. Unfortunately, the one I bought is no longer available, but there are a couple of more recent sexual stamina guides that have very similar content and are equally good.
When I decided to commit to learning the natural techniques properly, I was newly single, so I had plenty of time to dedicate to them.
I practiced the techniques in the book almost every day, slowly but surely learning to understand and control my arousal levels.
It was after around two months that I had sex again, and finally had a chance to test the techniques for real. My dedication had paid off and the techniques clearly made a difference to both my confidence and my lasting time during sex.
Admittedly, the first time wasn’t a very reliable test because I was a bit tipsy and alcohol usually helps me last longer anyway, which I did. When having sex the next day though, I still found I was able to last considerably longer than I used to.
The funny thing is that I’d come to the conclusion that talking about it would help reduce my anxiety, so I told her I had an issue with my stamina in bed sometimes. It was a special moment when she looked into my eyes and simply said “Trust me, you don’t have a problem!”
Could I finally say that I no longer had a problem, and had beaten premature ejaculation in just a couple of months?
The ongoing situation
What I’ve now come to realize is that for the natural techniques to work long-term – at least for me – I need to stay conscious of them when I have sex.
If I get lazy and become complacent, my lasting time will slowly start to drop back down again. The step backward is even more apparent if I’ve been single for a while and not continued working on the techniques on my own.
If I abandon everything I’ve learned about arousal control, breathing, stopping when necessary, and many other important techniques and just go for it, it’s amazing how much sooner I’ll finish during sex.
The other problem is that I’ve still got a sensitive penis, and maybe it always will be. I think because of that I still have difficulties in some circumstances, mainly when I’m with a new partner after being single for a while.
Having said that, I think many men have trouble controlling the intense levels of arousal the first few times with someone new. When you’ve been single for an extended period, I think it’s important to have realistic expectations of what you can do.
For that reason, I think it’s probably good to have a desensitizing product as a backup plan as well.
My advice for you
If you’ve just started looking into premature ejaculation treatment, the most important thing I think you can do is to stay focused on finding the right solution for you personally. And if you do decide to give the natural techniques a go, don’t give up too soon.
As with so many things in life, accepting that you have a problem is the hardest part. After that, it might be a case of trial and error, and probably some time investment unless you’re willing to keep paying for desensitizing products.
For someone who studied Psychology, I still can’t believe it took me so many years to finally face such an obviously important problem. Don’t make the same mistake!
Updates
Three years later…
I originally wrote this article in 2013, and three years later I’m happy to say that things are even better. I finally feel like I’ve developed a solid understanding of my arousal levels and have good control during sex.
I’m now able to control myself to the extent that I rarely suffer from premature ejaculation. I often last at least 10 minutes, and sometimes longer.
If I don’t use a condom and feel particularly aroused, my time can still drop back down. But I’ve now become more confident in taking control of my sex life, and do all the right things to keep my arousal in check.
My advice is to get started learning how to control your arousal as soon as possible. It can be done, even if physical sensitivity is an issue.
Four years later…
In recent months, I’ve been experimenting a lot with the concept of satisfying my partner in other ways when we make love. We both enjoy oral sex, and so I’ve been playing around with three different ideas, with a lot of success.
The first is to bring her to orgasm through oral before we even have sex. This takes all the pressure off me, satisfies her, and ensures I’m still full of excitement during the whole experience.
The second is to take full control and tease her for a long time, starting and stopping oral sex repeatedly and teasing her whole body. She then tends to orgasm faster when I eventually move on to penetrative sex.
The third is to have sex normally, and if she doesn’t orgasm, switch to oral sex to finish her off if she’d like me to (sometimes she’s fine with just stopping, especially if she feels she just won’t come on that particular day).
All three ideas have improved our love life a lot, and it’s good for both of us to have that variety. She never knows what my plan is exactly, and that helps keep things fresh too.
In the meantime, my control just gets better and better. The combination of practice, confidence, and still working on this website and so keeping up with the latest ideas about premature ejaculation are probably why.
Seven years later…
It’s been a long time since the last update. So here’s the good news: I don’t feel like I have premature ejaculation anymore. Not that it’s never a problem, just that it’s infrequent enough that I wouldn’t say it’s a major issue now.
I still feel that making oral sex a big part of our sex life – every single time without fail – made a massive difference. I also believe that the simple stuff makes a big difference too: not going too long without sex or masturbation; not pounding away like a jackhammer in positions like doggy style; wearing a condom; breathing slowly and calmly.
All those things might sound like gimmicks, or that there must be more to it – some magic pill or insanely complex trick. But actually, the basics play a significant role in my experience, so don’t neglect them. The good thing is that techniques like those are all free as well.
Sure, some men might benefit from professional advice, medication, sprays, or condoms. For others, just some technique adjustment and attitude tweaking can help immensely.
Nine years later…
It’s 2022, and I’m still updating this article! I’m very happy to say that I would no longer describe myself as having premature ejaculation at all. Quite the opposite in fact. I’m very satisfied with my sex life these days, feel full of confidence in the bedroom, and can last for a very long time sometimes.
The only new thing I’ve done since the last update is to start practicing yoga and meditation on a daily basis. I do feel that this has also helped me in the bedroom because I’m more in tune with my breathing and bodily tension. If I spot myself breathing too fast and shallow, or tensing my body too much, I adjust what I’m doing and focus on staying relaxed.
Other than that, learning to communicate openly about sex with my partner has helped too I think. The more you talk about sex together, the less stressful any problems can be as you’ll be dealing with them together.
You might also like
I’ve written a lot about this topic, and sex in general, on this site. I try to provide a good amount of free information, and reviews of products that aren’t too expensive, as well as cover some of the more costly options.
If you want to get started with a basic technique, I recommend reading my take on the classic start and stop technique. It’s very simple, and I found it helped a lot. It’s also a core method in every premature ejaculation guide I’ve read.
And if you’re interested in trying a desensitizing product, have a look at my reviews of delay sprays and also of benzocaine condoms.
One final note – please share your thoughts in the comments below. Feel free to rant or ask questions.
