When you’re feeling horny and in the mood for sex, it can be very disappointing when your partner resists your seductive advances.
And if it happens on a regular basis, the frustration only grows – especially if you don’t know why.
Doesn’t she fancy me? Am I doing something wrong? Is there someone else? All normal thoughts that might come to mind.
The truth is that even she might not fully understand why she’s not in the mood from one day to the next; there can be many different reasons, as there can be for you too when you’re not feeling it (believe me, I don’t like it either!).
So let’s take a look at some of the possible explanations. But no matter how brutal some of them might sound, try not to panic and assume the worst.
The key is to be understanding, and not criticize or pressure her. But if it is happening regularly, it’s probably time for an honest conversation about how you feel.
1. It’s normal not to be in the mood all the time
Whatever you might think from movies, TV or social media (or your friends) it’s perfectly normal that couples have their sexual ups and downs.
There might be periods when you get busy every night; at at other times, you might go weeks between encounters. Very few couples are consistently sexual.
Wait and see if things improve, or communicate your desires to her – she might not even be aware of the fact that you want more sex.
2. It’s too soon
If you’re in a new relationship, then the reason could simply be that it’s too soon.
Society tends to view women who have a lot of sex with different partners as dirty or immoral. Obviously, this is totally wrong, but it’s the way it is.
Plus, we know that once there’s been sex we’re likely to be attached to that person. Oxytocin production during sex forms a sort of chemical bond that makes women start to fall in love.
Therefore, we might hold off on having sex simply because we’re not sure yet that the relationship is going to work out.
In the beginning stages of a relationship the only real advice I have is to wait. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen eventually.
3. She’s not feeling on top of the world
Lots of things affect libido, especially stress, tiredness, depression and anxiety. If she’s feeling any of these, she’s less likely to want to have sex.
In the case of tiredness or stress, be considerate. Maybe take care of some of the chores, and take some of the weight off her shoulders.
If you suspect depression or anxiety could be the cause, it’s worth encouraging her to see a doctor. Mental health is important, and shouldn’t be taboo (especially in a relationship).
4. She’s hormonal
The whole menstrual cycle plays havoc with hormones, leaving you feeling horny as a rabbit one minute, but dry as a desert the next.
Most women have higher libidos around ovulation, and low libidos in the few days before a period, but it’s pretty personal, and can depend on the woman.
If you’re smart, you’ll stay on top of this, keep a mental note of her cycle, and be patient when she’s just not in the mood.
If you know when she’s ovulating and when she’s PMS-ing, then you’ll know when to wear your new sexy cologne, and when to take a step back and be a little more gentle.
5. She’s reactive rather than proactive
Female libido is a complicated matter, but in general most women have what’s known as a ‘reactive’ libido, whilst men tend to be ‘proactive’.
This means that whilst you have an ‘on’ switch and can be ready to go at any time, most women take time to warm up. She may even think that she doesn’t want sex until she’s actually having it.
In no way does this mean that you can force your partner to have sex. However, it does mean that you need to show some patience until she’s warmed up.
What I’m suggesting here is that you start out slowly. Rather than just asking for sex, or getting on top of her, try something intimate and relaxing like giving her a back or foot massage.
Basically, give her time to get into things and you might find that she warms to the idea.
6. You’re not doing enough foreplay
Lack of foreplay can mean that her ‘reactive’ libido isn’t responding, so she’s not so turned on. It can also mean that she’s not lubricated enough, so sex is painful.
Good foreplay is key to great sex, and it’s worth spending a decent amount of time getting your partner to a place where she can really enjoy sex.
How long? That’s a difficult question, but a minimum of about 20 minutes or so. You shouldn’t start penetration until she’s fully aroused.
7. She’s not satisfied
In some cases, she might not want to have sex with you because she just isn’t satisfied with your performance.
Talking about sex can be difficult, and she could be shy. Try lots of different things, ways of touching and kissing, and if you’re observant you’ll see what she responds best to.
On the other hand, you might be great at what you do, but what you do isn’t what she wants.
Women are all different, so what worked with your last partner might not work with your current partner. Women have different kinds of desires and fantasies.
And it could be that she’s bored. If you’re making the same moves every time (in fairness to you, that’s probably because you know those moves work and want to please her) she might be bored.
It’s best to try and shake things up a little bit sometimes in the bedroom. Or in the kitchen. Or in the morning instead of the evening. Give her something unexpected!
8. Your hygiene isn’t on form
Nobody wants to think that they smell bad, but I’ll be honest with you here – most men occasionally do. Not all the time, but after some hard work or a workout you might. And it’s tough to find a man sexy when he smells bad.
Obviously, you’re going to want to shower daily. Or even right before sex if you want your manhood to smell better and be more appealing. Any why not wear some good deodorant and/or aftershave too?
A little change like this can make a big difference. Even if you don’t smell too bad, taking care of yourself shows that you’re making an effort to please her, and women appreciate this.
9. She’s not attracted to you
This isn’t going to be nice to hear, but the reason she doesn’t want sex might be that she just isn’t attracted to you anymore.
Are you taking care of yourself? Have you ‘let yourself go’? Has you attitude, lifestyle or emotional state changed in a profound way that maybe isn’t so attractive to her? Are you drinking a lot?
Sadly, significant changes in the way you look may affect her attraction to you. And cosmetic things do have a tendency to fall by the wayside in a long term relationship, for men as well as women.
10. You’re not connected
Sex for women is about so much more than the physical. To really enjoy sex, women also need a mental and emotional connection with their partner.
In a long term relationship, this connection can suffer. You probably both have jobs, maybe kids, and all kinds of other worries. Finding time to just be a couple can be difficult.
If you’re not having sex, you might want to try building that connection up again. Have a date night, take up a hobby or sport together. Spend time as a couple.
11. She has poor body image
Women are consistently bombarded with images of the way we’re “supposed” to look. Unfortunately, very few of us actually look that way at all, meaning that poor body image is a common problem.
A woman that doesn’t like her own body, that doesn’t think she’s attractive, will find it hard to believe that someone else will find her attractive.
So tell her how attractive you find her, how beautiful and sexy she is, and mean it.
There are lots of medications that depress libido in women. The most common suspects here are anti-depressants and birth control.
In the case of both birth control and anti-depressants, you’ll want to wait a couple of months. But if there’s no improvement, your partner can ask her doctor about changing to a different dosage or drug.
In the case of more short-term things, sadly, you’re just going to have to wait things out until the course of drugs has run out.
13. She feels objectified
Nobody likes to feel objectified. Unfortunately, in relationships where one partner has a much higher libido than the other, the lower libido partner can end up feeling like a sex object.
If you’re constantly chasing your partner and trying to initiate sex, she might think that’s all you want her for. And in the end, pressuring her in this way will only result in her wanting sex even less.
There’s nothing wrong with initiating sex when you feel like it. But exercise a little judgement. Get the timing right (not when she’s in the middle of washing up or getting ready to head to work).
And make sure that you show appreciation for everything else that she does to show that you appreciate all sides of her, not just the fact that she has sex with you.
14. Sex is painful
There are times when sex can be painful for women, and rather obviously, this means that she won’t really want to have sex.
After childbirth, sex can be painful the first few times. During and after menopause, sex can also become painful (due to the thinning of the skin inside the vagina).
In both these cases, a good lubricant can help make things pleasurable again.
However, some women do just have a problem having sex. If this is the case (or if lubricant isn’t helping after childbirth or menopause), then visiting a gynecologist is the answer.
And it might be that you’re just a bit too large for her. If that’s the case, you need to spend even longer on foreplay and use plenty of lube. It also helps to go slower, enter less deeply, and ask her which positions work best for her.
15. She’s had a baby
It should be no surprise that after childbirth sex is a no-go until she’s healed. Generally, doctors recommend waiting at least 6 weeks after birth before having sex, though many women prefer to wait longer. Three months or so isn’t uncommon.
It’s been longer than that? Some women are afraid of having sex again after having a child. They’re afraid it’s going to hurt, or that it will feel different, or you won’t like it anymore, or even afraid that they’ll get pregnant again.
Be patient and understanding, and if necessary talk to a medical professional for advice.
16. She doesn’t love you
Finally, and this is especially difficult to address, the cause could be simply that she doesn’t love you.
Perhaps your marriage was arranged, perhaps she’s simply fallen out of love with you. But if she no longer has feelings for you, then sex will probably be off the table.
Solving this issue isn’t easy, and it’s not something I can tell you how to do. In the first instance, I would recommend seeing a marriage counsellor or therapist (or religious leader if that’s more in fitting with your beliefs).
No easy answers
There are no easy answers, but the above might give you a clue as to why your partner isn’t always as excited about sex as you might be.
A good relationship does need good sex, but good sex is sex that both of you want. Getting to the bottom of what’s bothering her is important if you want to develop a healthy sexual relationship.
Communicating your needs, understanding hers, and looking at both yourself and her for causes and solutions to problems is the way to go.
Equally, it’s important to understand and accept that sometimes it’s just not going to happen, and that’s fine. There isn’t always a dramatic reason, and as with so many things in life, sometimes we’re just not in the mood – and that probably goes for both of you.
You might also like
If you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s normal for sex to become less frequent. So you might like to find out how you can keep your sex life alive.
And if after reading this article you feel you need to talk to your partner about how you feel, it might help to read some advice for talking about your sexual desires.