How To Keep Your Sex Life Alive In A Long-Term Relationship

image of a couple in bedWhen you have a new partner, sex tends to be pretty good, even if neither of you have a lot of experience. The novelty of a new body (and maybe even love) means that sex happens a lot.

But a long-term relationship can be different. You have work, a home to take care of, maybe a kid or two as well. With all the family, financial and other concerns, sex can slip down that list of priorities.

This has nothing to do with your skills – you might be great at pleasing a woman in bed; it has everything to do with routine.

And even if you’re still having plenty of sex, sticking to the same habits and routines can mean that your bedroom ends up being less exciting than it once was.

Fortunately, this is a very fixable problem. A few small changes are all you need to keep your combined sexual fire burning brightly.

Do you always have sex in the bedroom?

image of a couple sharing a passionate showerOne of the easiest changes you can make is location. Most couples head to the bedroom to have sex, but changing things up adds that little bit of extra excitement.

Try getting down to business on the couch whilst you’re catching up on Netflix, maybe even on that nice soft rug on the floor. Why not sit her up on the kitchen counter when you’re doing the dishes? And the feel of skin under warm water and covered in soap in the shower is often very erotic.

A new environment adds different sensations and position possibilities. Personally, I prefer the couch to my bed (oral is easier, and I prefer reclining as opposed to lying flat on my back, it’s just more comfortable).

Of course, if you live with family, changing rooms might not be the best plan (no one wants to get caught with their pants down), but there are other changes to think about…

It’s not just for after dark

Rather than a change of location, you might instead opt for a change in timing. Many of us do tend to have sex in the evening, but morning sex has a lot going for it.

Firstly, your testosterone levels are higher in the morning, meaning you’ll have a higher sex drive as well as more energy. So put that morning erection to good use!

Secondly, you won’t be carrying around the baggage of a long day. No worrying about that meeting you just had, no discussing the trouble the little one got into at school today. A morning means a clean mind, which is all the better for good sex.

If you usually save sex for when it’s dark, morning sex adds novelty, and therefore excitement. And don’t fall for the excuse that there’s no time. Set the alarm fifteen minutes early, it’s a small sacrifice to make.

Of course, you can always go for a lunch time quickie. A personal favorite is getting busy right when you get home after work. And sex before dinner means more energy (and no aching stomach), less exhaustion, and nobody’s in the middle of their favorite TV program.

A non-choreographed routine

image of a pair of sex diceRoutines aren’t just about time and place, they’re about what actually happens during sex too.

Listen, I get it, you know what works, so that’s what you do. But that simple 1,2,3 process that’s been working for you for so long (nipple play, oral, penetration, perhaps), is part of the reason that things are getting dull.

You need to mix things up a little. This can mean adding new tricks to your repertoire (check out my sex advice articles for some great ideas ). But it can also just be a matter of switching the order in which you do things.

If you usually start with breast fondling then move on to oral, try switching those two things. If she always gives you oral first, try going down on her before she gets to you. Make things different, even if they’re really the same things done in a different order, and you’ll break your routine.

Finally, why not leave it to chance? Get yourself a set of sex dice and leave your evening’s entertainment to fate…

Just don’t

Okay, this one is a pretty drastic kind of change, but one that can be very, very effective: don’t have sex. Yep, you read that right. Take sex off the table. Agree that you’re not going to do it for a month.

The idea here is that once it’s forbidden, sex will suddenly become all that much more exciting. Sort of like that last cookie in the jar that your mom told you not to eat – it’ll be all that you can think about.

Counter-intuitive, sure, but taking sex completely out of the equation is oddly sexy. And hey, you made the rule, so there’s no saying that you’re not allowed to break it.

Or just do

Alternatively, there’s a lot to be said for scheduling. Whenever I mention scheduling sex appointments people complain that it “lacks spontaneity.” Okay, that’s a fair comment, but spontaneity isn’t everything.

A scheduled date night that will lead to sex has a lot going for it. You both know what to expect, there’s plenty of time to prepare yourself, and with a nice dinner and some candles and music you’ll (hopefully) spend the evening raising her libido.

This is just about taking time out of your busy schedule to connect. And it truly does work. The time you spend alone together first will help build intimacy, which makes great sex all the more likely afterwards.

And you can always combine this with one of the other above tricks to double your chances of having an amazing night.

Go for the build up

Ever noticed that it tends to be the anticipation of something that’s more frightening or exciting than the actual event? Yeah, sex is no different.

A great way of spicing things up is to make sure that your partner knows what’s coming. Of course, you can schedule things, as I mentioned above, but why not take things a step further?

Text messages, love notes in pockets and even emails sent throughout the day are great ways to build up the tension so that she’s ready to jump you when you get home.

Uncomfortable with dirty talk? Not a problem. Your messages don’t have to be dirty exactly. You can head down the romantic route if you prefer.

“I’m thinking about your eyes” is always a good first step. Follow that up with “I can’t wait to feel your skin” and you’re going in the right direction. Feel free to get more graphic if you like, but it’s not a necessity.

Don’t be afraid of something new

image of handcuffs and a sexy maskIntroducing new things into the bedroom can be a little intimidating. But with good communication it really doesn’t have to be. After all, you both enjoy great sex, right?

Your first step here is to establish what you’re both looking for. Maybe there are fantasies that you’d like to experience. Maybe you’d be interested in trying some new sex toys in the bedroom. An honest, open conversation can address these issues and more.

And if the idea of exploring some fun fantasies together appeals to you, then check out my guide to female fantasies to help you on your way.

And if you’re not too shy, have a wonder round a decent sex shop for both a laugh and some new ideas to try. Too much for you? Choose an online sex shop that delivers to your area and do some naughty shopping together.

Learn, learn, learn

Finally, you’re never too old to learn. We’re going for novelty here, and if you want new things, then you’re going to have to learn them.

There’s a wealth of information at your fingertips on the internet, as well as tons of fantastic books that can teach you all kinds of tricks.

But learning doesn’t have to be boring. Reading through some erotic novels, or even watching porn, can teach you new things (and you can do both of these things with your partner for extra sexy points).

It’s the little things

Sex should never be boring. It might be familiar, comforting even, but not boring. And it’s the little things that help you keep things fun and enjoyable as the years of your relationship roll by.

Something as simple as the gift of a new set of underwear can make your bedroom sizzle again. All you need to have is an open mind, some motivation to keep things fresh and a little creativity.

Got some little tricks that helped you and your partner spice things up? Feel free to share them in the comments section below. Even I could use a few new things to try!

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Some of my previous articles might also help you keep your sex life in good shape. For starters, I recommend checking out my detailed oral sex tips.

And a key element of great sex which is so often forgotten over time is making sure you spend time on good foreplay.


+ Add Comment
  1. Sebastianal

    Hi am Sebastian
    I do really appreciate and agree with you but the thing is I have a girlfriend who does not know anything about sex but when we tried sex she just lay down like a dead meat although have taught her something on how to do it but still she can’t manage at all, so to speak she loves it when I dance on her while having sex and she realises before me when I don’t really enjoy having sex with her because I don’t feel good only she does.
    My question is what can I do so I can enjoy sex more, because I tried to teach her positions but she can’t not even one but I love her so much she is always in my mind.

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Sebastian
      Ahh yes. This is something that can happen, especially with inexperienced people. Why – it could be literally a lack of experience, some anxiety about what to do, a very passive character, or a bit of laziness!
      You need to tell her you want her to take a more active role. Tell her in a nice way, but tell her it turns you on more if she puts energy into the sex. Try to set a comfortable scene and make sure she’s relaxed and feeling good first. Then encourage her to sit up and take a more equal role.

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