So you’re in the middle of some seriously hot sex. You feel yourself on the verge of orgasm, and you can hear her moaning louder as she gets closer too.
And then you climax together in a moment of perfectly timed shared ecstasy.
Or did you?
Everyone likes it when their partner has an orgasm. It makes us feel like we’re a good lover, and that our partner is happy with our sex life.
The thing is, we’re sometimes left with a niggling little doubt in the back of our minds. Did she really climax that loudly, or was she faking it?
Short of asking her, and trusting her answer, there are some signs that might help put your mind at ease. Just remember that it’s not an exact science though!
1. The classic sign
Before we get into what are, in my opinion, the best signs that a woman has climaxed, it’s worth addressing the classic sign.
Firstly, if you think loud orgasmic screaming or moaning is a 100% reliable sign, you could be wrong.
I think there’s a better way of looking at this classic sign. Does she start making noise that she wasn’t making before, and then suddenly get quiet and hold you close? I’d say this is a reasonably clear sign of climax for many women.
There’s still a problem with this, however. Women sometimes fake orgasms. So although the above classic sign could mean she’s climaxed, it could also mean that she wants you to think that she’s climaxed.
See the conundrum here? That’s why I recommend looking a little deeper at other signs.
2. The best signs
There are two things that are without a doubt the best signs that a woman has orgasmed, and they’re both pretty simple:
- She has a ‘tell’. Some women just have a thing they do when they come. It could be shaking, sneezing, laughing, tensing her stomach up. But if you know her well enough, you’ll know.
- She tells you. If your partner is a good communicator and you have an honest relationship, she’ll outright tell you that she has or hasn’t climaxed.
Easy, right? Well, that might depend on your relationship and how long you’ve been together. So let’s look at a few subtler signs that can help you know.
3. The biological signs
There are a few biological signs that a woman is aroused and has orgasmed. But these are a bit complicated, for reasons that will become clear:
- Her pupils dilate: great, except she probably has her eyes closed.
- Her face and chest flush: okay, except she might just be hot after all that exercise.
- Her vagina becomes more lubricated: slightly more helpful, though she’s probably already quite lubricated, and this is difficult to tell if you’re wearing a condom.
- Her brain activity changes: yeah, you’re not going to be able to see that!
So these biological signs might work in the lab, but they’re not so practical in real life.
4. More practical signs
Here are a few of my personal observations that may help you (but there’s no 100% guarantee):
- Her vaginal muscles contract and spasm: not true of all women, and not true of all women all the time, but if it does happen it’s a sure sign that she’s having an orgasm.
- Her nipples get hard: again, not true of all women all the time, but if her nipples suddenly get hard then it’s possible she’s about to orgasm.
- Her breathing changes: it gets faster, deeper, then stops for a second until she begins to orgasm.
- Her voice changes: a tricky one, but if she suddenly cries out in a primal scream (or uses language she normally doesn’t), then this could mean she’s climaxed.
5. You may never know
All of these signs are great, but they ignore one huge truth: you just can’t always expect to be sure if your partner has climaxed or not.
The perhaps frustrating reality is that even after you’ve read everything there is to know about sex and women and orgasms, you might just have to accept the fact that it can a little mysterious.
Before panic sets in though, not knowing might not be as big a deal as you think. Should you really be so concerned about whether or not your partner has climaxed? Perhaps not.
Sex isn’t just about orgasms
As a caring and good lover, you should want your partner to have an amazing time in bed. But there’s something important to understand: orgasm isn’t the be all and end all of sex (for women or for men).
Sex in itself breeds intimacy which is important to a successful relationship. Basically, sex is its own reward.
In fact, there’s a whole method of sex without orgasm that’s called Karezza. Practitioners of Karezza say that sex is even more fulfilling without orgasm, that relationships are better, and that intimacy is vastly improved.
Not only that, but female orgasm is a strange and unpredictable thing. According to research, only around 8% of women regularly experience orgasm from penetrative sex.
That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try to make your partner orgasm in other ways, such as with great oral sex. But it does mean that for regular sex the odds are stacked against you.
Most women have therefore had sex without climaxing at least once in their lives (and probably more often), and realize that it happens.
Now, I’m not saying that women are used to not reaching orgasm or that it doesn’t matter if they don’t. I’m just saying that they understand it won’t happen all the time, and are usually understanding of it – as long as you have good sex that you both enjoy.
The orgasm balance
The real take-home here is that when it comes to orgasms you need to strike a balance. Your partner has the right to orgasm if that’s what she wants, but she equally has the right not to orgasm.
That might sound complicated, but with good communication, it shouldn’t be. Partners should both feel comfortable enough to make their wishes known.
And as a good partner, you should be able to place her wishes over your own (don’t feel the need to make her orgasm if she doesn’t want to or can’t).
It’s also important to work together to find out what gets her there. Penetration doesn’t work? Be willing to go down or use your hands in the way she likes. And if you finish first, don’t be shy to use your hands or tongue to get her there.
What are your thoughts?
Does your partner have a ‘tell’ that they’ve reached orgasm? What are the signs of climax that you usually notice, and does it worry you if your partner does or doesn’t have an orgasm during sex? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.