Basic Tantric Sex Steps For You And Your Partner

woman kissing man's neck in a tantric session

Tantric sex promises the tantalizing possibility of improved sexual connection with your partner, better control during sex and more intense orgasms.

Though the practice has roots in Hinduism and Buddhism, western tantric sex offers an accessible way to reap the benefits without attaching too much spiritual meaning.

It’s helpful to be open-minded about the idea of connecting more profoundly with your partner. But you don’t need to go any deeper than that if you don’t want to.

In fact, tantric sex is actually easy to do. So if you’re looking for something that might bring a new twist to your sex life, tantra is worth exploring.

What is tantric sex?

Tantric sex is basically the channeling of sexual energy. Okay, that might sound a little esoteric, but bear with me. The idea of real tantric sex is that you become sexually aroused, but don’t necessarily orgasm.

What?! Why on earth would anyone do that?

The first reason is that you create a better connection with your partner and build intimacy. Research finds that intimacy not only makes your relationship better but also makes you happier and healthier.

The second idea is that all that sexual energy that you’d normally expend through orgasm stays in your body, boosting your overall energy.

To orgasm or not to orgasm?

I’ll be honest with you here. I’m not going to say that you can’t actually have sex or orgasms at the end of a tantric session. I personally don’t think it’s necessary to avoid the ‘traditional ending‘, unless you want to.

But the basic practices of tantric sex are a great way to slow things down in the bedroom, which can make it easier for a woman to climax. And it might also help a man to control his orgasm and cope better with premature ejaculation.

That said, there are some advantages to not ending in penetration. Importantly, taking sex and orgasm off the table means less stress and less pressure. And that can help build intimacy, without either of you having to worry about ‘performance’, ejaculation or orgasm.

The decision is completely up to you. Personally, I’ve never been into orgasm denial, and I usually end up breaking the promise in the heat of the moment anyway!

Whatever you decide, you’ll still need the same initial set up and techniques. Tantric sex is often about doing things differently. So let’s take a look at the fist steps to take.

The set up

Set aside an entire evening if you can. Make some alone time, switch off your phones – whatever you need to do. You’ll need at least two hours (preferably more) of complete peace.

It’s important to be focused and calm, and that means creating the right space. Your bedroom is fine, but the living room also works well.

You’ll need to clear out all the clutter. Get rid of the books on the nightstand, the remotes on the coffee table, and make your space as clean and tidy as possible.

candles in a dark room

Create a comfortable tantric space

You’ll want to create a comfortable space with some room for maneuver. So if you’re on the bed, get rid of the comforter, blankets and pillows. If you go with the living room floor, just put down some blankets, with lots of pillows and cushions to make it comfortable.

Candles help set the mood. Dim lighting can create the right atmosphere too. And soft, relaxing music at a low volume puts the finishing touches to your tantric space.

The basic techniques of tantric sex

There are three key points to remember during tantric sex:

  1. Breathe in harmony: we’ll get to the details on this in a minute, but you and your partner need to be connected through your breathing.
  2. Keep your eyes open: you’re creating a connection. That means maintaining eye contact as much as possible.
  3. Take things slowly: perhaps the most important thing is that everything has to be very slow, with no sudden movements. You’re potentially aiming for hours of pleasure.

Keeping those points in mind, it’s time to get into position.

The position

man and woman embracing in a tantric moment

Tantric sex involves a position called ‘Yab-Yum’ which is Tibetan for ‘father-mother’.

This position is intended to create the best connection between the two of you, and there are three different ways to do it:

  • Sit opposite each other with your legs crossed and knees touching.
  • Sit with one partner’s legs wrapped around the other partner’s waist or torso.
  • Sit with one partner in the other’s lap (facing each other), and both partner’s legs wrapped around the other partner’s waist or torso.

The third position is the ideal one, but it can take a little practice until you feel stable and secure, so feel free to use positions one or two to start off with. Note that there’s no penetration at this point.

Once you’re in the starting position, it’s time to focus on your breathing.

The breathing

The breath is important in Tantra, with breathing a little different from what you might be used to.

You and your partner should try to harmonize your breathing. So to start, take long and slow breaths, inhaling and exhaling in the same rhythm for a few minutes.

When you’re both calm and breathing deeply try to time your breaths so that you’re inhaling when your partner is exhaling and vice versa. Almost as if you’re breathing into each other and receiving your partner’s breath.

Don’t forget to keep your eyes open and maintain eye contact!

It might take a few minutes to get this right, but really focus on that breathing and relax into it. Try to spend a few minutes just sitting still, gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes, and practicing this breathing technique.

Ready to kick things up a notch?


Still breathing slowly and in harmony, keeping eye contact, you’re now allowed to touch. Caressing and stroking are fine; penetration and kissing not just yet!

Steer clear of the genital area at first. In fact, I’d advise steering clear of anything vaguely sexual for at least the first few minutes.

Concentrate on the way your partner’s skin feels. Slowly stroke your partner’s arms, knees, and anywhere else your hands can reach. Your partner, of course, should be touching you in the same way.

After a while, things might become a bit more sexual. But still avoid touching genitals (breasts and chest are acceptable, however).

Breathing, eye contact, stroking, keep it up. Just keep doing all that for as long as possible. Yes, you’re turned on, but stretch all this out for absolutely as long as you can.

The conclusion

The idea is that you keep breathing, looking into each other’s eyes, and stroking until you really, truly can’t take it any more.

I’m not talking about ‘I want to have sex now!’ I’m talking about ‘I’m literally going to explode if this continues’. Push those limits as far as you can, all without any penetration at all.

When you reach that absolute limit, if you’re going for true tantric sex, you need to calmly, but decisively end the session. Take all of that sexual energy with you, but don’t use it.

The alternative ending

If you’re human (like I am), you don’t need to walk away, of course; you can move on to penetration. But as you do, keep those basics in mind. Even whilst penetrating you need to maintain eye contact, keep that breathing harmonized, and move as slowly as you can.

This can take some practice (at least it’s fun practice), but your thrusts should be slow and controlled. And really focus on keeping that breathing slow and deep.

The result of all of this should be an orgasm that’s not only easier to control, but that’s also incredible.

Just like always, you’re not necessarily going to orgasm at the same time, so do make sure that your partner is satisfied. If you orgasm first, switch to using your hands to satisfy them.

Final word

I’m not saying that tantric sex is the right kind of sex all the time. But if you like the idea of having new ways to connect with your partner and enjoy sex together, tantric sex can both add variety and improve your love life.

It’s also a potential way to deal with orgasm problems (male or female). By taking things slowly and removing orgasm as the end goal, you give yourselves breathing space to relax and enjoy one another without pressure.

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