Okay, so women can be a little enigmatic it times, but I’m here to help you out.
Women might be understandably a little close-mouthed about their deepest sexual fantasies, but when it comes to basic, every day kind of sex, there are some things that just shouldn’t be secrets.
That’s why I’m looking at things that your partner wants you to know, but that she might not be telling you.
1. I’m as into this as you are
Because of societal stereotypes and the media you might be under the impression that you’re a sex fiend and I’m a fragile little flower who never thinks about sex. You’d be wrong.
If there’s one thing that I (and many of my female friends) really want you to know, it’s that I want to be here doing this just as much as you do. Maybe even more sometimes.
And as a corollary to this: we’re not as fragile as you think we are. We’re not made of glass. A little hair pulling, a little domination, throwing me down on the bed, all that’s fine. We’re not going to break.
That said, there’s an exception: the clitoris is not a button. It’s sensitive. Treat it the way you’d treat the new wax job on your car. Light touches only, unless instructed otherwise.
2. Porn: it’s not for real
Men watch porn. Personally, I don’t have a problem with this (but some women might, so best to discuss this issue with your partner). What I, and many women, have a problem with is the tendency to use porn as an instruction manual.
Porn isn’t real, and many of the things you see in movies make for great viewing, but in reality, they’re simply not going to work. One move in particular: gently slapping the outside of the vagina to turn a woman on. Yeah, no. Doesn’t work. Ever.
Whilst watching porn is fine, it’s not the best way to learn moves. Get some great books if you want to learn new stuff. Or, even better, ask your partner – we never mind giving instructions. After all, I know my body better than you.
And on an additional note: just because it worked on your last girlfriend doesn’t mean it’ll work on me. We’re all different. Seriously, if in doubt, just ask me what I like.
3. It’s not you, it’s me
The female libido is an odd, odd thing. Even to us. So you’d be forgiven for not knowing what I’m about to tell you: sometimes we’re just not going to orgasm, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Only around a quarter of women can orgasm from penetration alone. Not only that, but surveys show that only around 57% of women reliably orgasm with a partner.
Now, that’s not to say you shouldn’t be trying, of course you should. But you should also be communicative, and be open.
For a whole bunch of reasons (stress, tiredness, distraction, and reasons that even I don’t get), you might not be able to make me come tonight. You might be able to get me half way there, and I can finish the job myself (please don’t be offended when I suggest this). Or maybe it’s just not going to happen at all.
I’m as disappointed about this as you are. Absolutely keep trying, but if I stop you, then just stop. It’s not happening, it’s nothing to do with you, and that’s okay.
4. It’s not me, it’s you
Some men simply don’t know what they’re doing. Perhaps they look to porn for inspiration (see point number 2), perhaps they have no experience, perhaps they assume what works for one girl works for them all. None of these things do you any favors.
There’s nothing wrong with educating yourself. Learn new things (from books, not porn). But more importantly, just ask me what I like and what I want. Simple. You want to please me? Nobody knows me better than me, and I’m more than happy to share the knowledge.
5. The size of things
The average penis size is about 5.1 inches erect. And you know what? We don’t care. Some women like bigger ones, some like smaller ones (I’m a smaller girl, myself). What’s truly important is what you can do with it.
Please, don’t feel self conscious. If we’re in bed together, I like you enough to be there with you. The size of your penis has little to do with it. If you’re a good, considerate lover, if you’re great with your hands and tongue, that’s really all that matters.
Vaginas also come in all shapes and sizes too, so we feel your pain. But we don’t care much about size, nor about looks (so don’t worry if you’re hairy, or curved, or fat, or thin).
There is a small caveat here: monster penises. If you’re a big, big guy, that penis can be a little intimidating. But as long as you’re gentle and slow, and you have some sensible ideas for making it work, then all will be fine.
6. The duration issue
A large survey in 2005 revealed that the average time men last during sex is 5.4 minutes. Duration is something that many men struggle with, especially when their partner needs longer than 5 minutes to reach orgasm. But in fact, sexual stamina can be problematic for very different reasons.
Firstly, there’s too short. I’ll be blunt here – premature ejaculation can be a problem. If it happens sometimes, it’s kind of flattering (you find me so attractive you can’t help it).
But if it happens regularly, then yes, it’s a problem. A problem that you, or we, need to work together to fix. But the bottom line is, if you’re done too soon, you need to get to work with your hands or tongue if I’m not done too.
There’s also the opposite problem though. Sex that goes on too long can get painful. The vagina self lubricates, but that lubrication won’t last forever. If you keep going and going and going, things dry up and start chafing.
Bottom line here? Use lube, or maybe just take a break and stop, if that’s what you both agree on. And if this is a serious, ongoing problem for you, it could be that you have what’s known as delayed ejaculation.
Sex should last as long as both of you are into it, there’s no hard and fast rule. And the only way to know if your partner is done or not done is to ask!
7. It ain’t over ’till it’s over
Last, but by no means least, a simple one: sex isn’t over until both of us decide it’s over. Just because you’ve got yours doesn’t mean that I’m done.
We appreciate the biology of the situation, but if you’re not going to get another erection soon then switch things up and use your tongue or your hands. I’ll let you know when we’re finished.
Oh, and multiple orgasms? They’re real. So even if your partner has orgasmed once, she might be up for round two. You’ll just have to ask to find out.
If you’re very observant, you’ll have noticed a common theme running through most of these points: communication. Nothing replaces talking with your partner about what you both actually want. Great sex is team work, you don’t carry all the responsibility here.
But if you’re having trouble getting the ball rolling, then the above points at least get you started.
Oh, and why do women fake orgasms? Well, if you don’t listen when we tell you what to do, or tell you that it’s not gonna happen tonight, then sometimes it’s the easiest way to keep you happy. Sorry, but that’s just the way it is…
You might also like
After talking a lot about the importance of using your hands or tongue, you might also like to read my tips for giving a girl oral sex.
And I also recommend reading up on my foreplay advice, as this is something I haven’t touched on in this article, but is also very important and something many women also wish you’d do more of.