Wanting to please your partner is a key characteristic of a great lover. But what exactly do women want in bed? In truth, we’re really not the enigmas that you might think. What we want is simple enough, as you’re about to find out.
To be treated as equals
We’re not delicate flowers, and we’re not disgusted by sex or doing it to please you. We’re absolutely into it as much as you are. So treat us as equal partners in the bedroom. Remember that this isn’t something you do to us, it’s something we do together.
To have fun together
It might sound obvious, but yeah, we’d like to have some fun. I find it amazing how many sex articles never mention this; we want to have a good time.
To be clear: sex shouldn’t be about great moves or fantastic orgasms, it should be about intimacy and straight up fun.
Can you ensure that your partner’s having a good time? Sure, by treating us like equals, being relaxed, not being afraid to have a laugh (together, not at me!), and trying a few other things that appear on this list.
To have an orgasm (or not)
So here’s a confusing one. Orgasms are lovely, and in an ideal world we’d want multiple orgasms every time we have sex.
However, for a multitude of reasons, sometimes orgasm just doesn’t happen for women. Most of these reasons have nothing to do with you, by the way.
As women we’re fairly comfortable with this idea and don’t expect to have an orgasm every time we have sex. But quite often men do expect us to come every time.
What we want is for you to be okay with the fact that sometimes it just doesn’t happen. Of course we want you to try. But we’d also like to be able to say “it’s not happening tonight” and have that be okay.
In other words, if I tell you I’m not going to come, I don’t want you to take it as a challenge or to be upset or angry. I want you to say “sure thing, let’s try again later or tomorrow.”
Orgasm isn’t a requirement. Most women know this, and most women wish that men also knew this.
For you to pay attention to us
It’s a bit of a cliché that women like to talk and love men that listen, but it’s not entirely true. What we actually want when it comes to sex is a man that pays attention.
In bed, that means listening to my sounds, watching the way my body moves, feeling how I respond. If you pay close enough attention you’ll be able to tell what works and what doesn’t. Listen to me, watch me, and follow my lead.
Oh, and don’t ever assume that the same things work for every woman. They just don’t.
To be asked what we want
And on kind of the same note, if in doubt, ask. In fact, maybe ask anyway. Question me as to what I want, what I like, what I’m interested in trying out. I know me far better than you ever will, so trust me.
Don’t lie there next to me trying to figure me out like I’m some big puzzle. I’m right there next to you, so just ask me.
A woman (a decent woman) will never judge you or your skill level just because you ask questions. Actually, that’s not quite true. We will judge you. We’ll think that you’re a caring and compassionate lover for asking.
For you to make some noise too
As much as you need to pay attention to us in bed, the same thing is true in reverse. That vocal feedback that you get from a girl shows you what you’re doing right or wrong.
We’d like to be able to do the same. That means you don’t need to be the strong silent type in bed. Moan a little, speak if you want to, do whatever comes naturally.
We rely on those vocal signals just as much as you do to know whether or not we’re doing the right thing. Please don’t deprive us of that valuable feedback.
More foreplay please
Another cliché, I’m afraid, but this time it’s completely true. Most women want a lot more foreplay than they get.
To put it bluntly: foreplay makes us lubricated, which in turn makes sex more pleasurable and less painful for both of us. It’s to your advantage as well as ours to indulge in enough foreplay.
How much is enough? That’s a tough question to answer, since it very much depends on the woman. The average foreplay time is 12 minutes, and most women surveyed weren’t happy with that length of time, so definitely more than that.
Again though, if you’re paying attention to how her body is responding, you should get a sense of when it’s time to stop that foreplay. If she’s swollen, well lubricated, and her breathing rate has increased, then you can probably move on a step.
Understand that the clitoris is key
Again, I’m being blunt, but we’re here to tell it like it is. The fact of the matter is that penetration alone often isn’t enough to make a woman orgasm.
Only around 1 in 5 women can come during penetration alone, which means we really need plenty of good clitoris action.
Manually, orally, or even let us do it ourselves whilst you’re penetrating, it really doesn’t matter. What does matter is that the clitoris is stimulated. If it’s not, chances are that we don’t have a hope of getting that orgasm.
As an aside: be gentle. The clitoris isn’t a button, it doesn’t need pushing. Gentle, lubricated stroking is what’s necessary, and don’t press harder unless asked to do so.
For you not to stop
Whilst we absolutely understand the limits of biology, we’d like to have sex for as long as we like. That sounds a bit selfish, but it’s a fair point. You wouldn’t like to have sex until just before orgasm and then have your partner roll over and go to sleep, would you?
To be kinky together
It shouldn’t come as any surprise that women have many sexual fantasies – just like you do. And some of them are kinky, believe it or not.
We’d like to try out some of these naughty things with you. What are they? Well, if you ask your partner, then you’ll find out. Communicating about sex is always important in the bedroom.
A key thing here leads back to us being treated as your equals. A lot of fantasies involve a healthy amount of trust and respect (particularly some of the more extreme fantasies like BDSM).
Treating me like your equal in bed in general means that I’ll feel comfortable trying out some of those “less equal” fantasies with you on occasion.
Bottom line though: we have dirty minds too, and we’d like to exercise them sometimes.
Not to be judged
Finally, we don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to be judged for my body, for my performance, for how dirty my fantasies are, or anything else in the bedroom. Judgement needs to be left outside.
Be open minded, be accepting, and be willing to try new things, and we’ll return the favor. That way we’ll both be happy.
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For more about what women want in bed, have a read of my article about satisfying a woman in bed. And if you’re not sure if you’re doing something wrong with your partner, it might help to look through some of the mistakes men make in bed.