Like most people, there are many things in life that really piss me off. Realizing you’ve run out of milk in the morning. Long queues in supermarkets. Losing a rugby match against France. People who only talk about themselves (I’m a blogger, so it’s okay though).
But right up there with the worst of them is being with the woman of your dreams and then losing your erection when you try to put a condom on.
And to top it all off, you have to somehow be cool and pretend it’s okay when all you want to do is throw the condom, the bed and maybe even yourself out of the window whilst screaming “FOR. FUCK’S. SAKE!!!”
Okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating a little. I live on the seventh floor, so it’s a long way down. But this is a seriously annoying problem. Even writing about it now is making me feel kind of angry, as I don’t even like to think about the times I’ve missed out on great sex because of the stupid penis+condom=floppy equation.
After experiencing this many times, I can happily say that I now have a solid arsenal of ways to deal with it though, and they usually work. And I’m going to share them with you in this article. I know this is a real pain in the ass, so I really hope the tips here help you too.
1. Wait until you’re 100% charged
In my experience, there are 2 types of erection. There’s the 75% “it’s good enough, let’s go!” type.
And then there’s the 100% “look at the veins on that thing!” version.
If you have a problem with condoms ruining your stiffy, try waiting until you get a 100% solid “I could knock through walls with this thing” before reaching for an erection-slaying condom.
Joking aside, along with number two in this list, it’s pretty much key for me personally.
So keep at the foreplay stage for as long as it takes to get so hard, that even if you lose 10% to 20% of your erection when the condom is on, you’ll still be good to go.
2. Let gravity work its magic
In my experience, gravity can help get the blood pumping. And I’m not talking about the Sanda Bullock movie, though that might help too.
If you lie on your back and try to get the condom on, I find it’s much more difficult to maintain your erection for the duration of the awkward unrolling.
Instead, when the moment is right, stand up, plant your feet firmly on the ground and put the condom on. Gravity will send extra blood from your big head to your little head, helping keep him hard.
I’ve also found that standing up just kind of makes you feel bigger and harder mentally, which then translates to a harder erection.
It’s also a good moment to inject some comedy into the situation, reducing the stress for both of you.
3. Don’t stress!
This is probably the advice I’ve known the longest, but failed to do on many occasions.
Stress, anxiety, worry, tension, insecurity – whatever you want to call it, it’s something you need to tackle.
Dealing with stress is a massive topic – people write entire books on it. But there are a few points that might help you out here.
- Don’t worry if you get hard initially, but then go soft when the condom moment arrives. Relax, accept that sex isn’t always a smooth process, and go back to foreplay or whatever else turns you both on. Then try again a bit later.
- Don’t allow yourself to worry that the same thing will happen each time. Be positive, tell yourself every time is a fresh start.
- Breathe deeply and slowly as you’re approaching condom time. It will help keep the blood flowing around your body.
- Don’t express anger or frustration, or rip off the condom, throw it against the wall and slump onto the bed in a sulk. Stay calm, stay cool, tell your partner it just happens sometimes and turn your attention to them for a while to take the pressure off you.
- In the longer term, try to see it as a positive challenge rather than a failure or weakness. Life is full of challenges to face up to and overcome, and this is no exception.
4. Do some condom testing
There are countless types of condoms, with a wide range of sizes, thickness, flavors, ribbed designs and even extras like desensitizing gel inside.
If you know you’re sensitive to condoms, it’s a good idea to do some research and find one which fits well, feels good and doesn’t strangle the poor guy.
Don’t just accept freebies or whatever crappy cheap condoms the local store has in stock. Use the highest quality condoms you can find that work well for you.
But if the best ones for you are precisely those crappy cheap ones, get loads of them so you never run out and end up buying ones that don’t work again.
5. Get your partner to put the condom on for you
One minute you’re passionately kissing and enjoying each others’ bodies. The next you’re on your own trying to pass the condom test.
It can feel like an abrupt transition from pleasure to a super tense moment.
So why not ask your partner to put the condom on for you? It might feel sexier that way, and takes the pressure off of you to get the job done.
Personally, I think this works well sometimes and not so well other times.
If your partner isn’t very good at putting condoms on, they might accidentally dig their nails into your skin or take so long, your penis goes to sleep. If this is the case, you perhaps need to show them how to put it on well.
It might be that they are too slow and awkward, and that you can put it on much quicker, reducing the time frame between starting to lose your erection and penetration.
So my feeling is that this is one to experiment with, but make your own mind up on.
6. The 6 P’s
“Where the hell are the condoms?” isn’t a thought that will help you in this situation.
If you have to get out of bed and frantically rummage through your drawers, wallet or bathroom cabinet, you can be pretty sure the race against time just turned Olympic.
So make sure you know exactly where the condoms are, and that they are within easy reach of wherever you are.
The 6 Ps: Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Penis Performance. Yeah, I just made that up, but it makes sense to me.
7. Prime your partner
Following on with the concept of preparation, it’s also good to make sure your partner is primed and ready.
Once you’ve got the condom on, the best way to keep your erection, or get it back to 100%, is to be having sex, not more foreplay.
So before you put it on, make sure your partner is turned on with manual or oral sex.
And if they aren’t particularly open or naturally lubricated, either work on them a bit more or have some lubricant at the ready too.
And once you’ve got the condom on, stay on top at first to get that gravity working for you some more.
8. Laughter is the best medicine
Light-hearted and fun sex is often the best sex. Bringing some humor into the bedroom helps keep awkwardness, embarrassment and insecurity out of it.
If you go floppy, so what? Laugh about it, stay cool and don’t make a big stressful drama out of it.
Take ownership of the problem, talk and joke about it. And above all make sure your partner doesn’t lie there silently thinking she’s not hot enough to turn you on.
Laughter can also help you relax, both physically and mentally, which in turn will increase the chance of you getting your iron man erection.
9. Stay away from desensitizing products
If you suffer from premature ejaculation, one of the main ways to deal with it is to use a desensitizing spray or condom. These are notorious for causing erection problems though, due to the obvious loss of sensitivity.
So if you do have problems keeping an erection when you use a condom, I would avoid using anything containing Lidocaine, Benzocaine or Prilocaine.
If you do want to use these products to help with your sexual stamina, at least try to use the smallest possible amount.
It’s also worth mentioning at this point that other things can lead to a loss of sensitivity and erection problems. For example, too much alcohol, heavy food, some medications and recreational drugs.
10. Does your penis only go soft with condoms?
It’s also important to look at the bigger picture. Do you only have problems with erections when condoms are on the scene?
Or do you regularly have problems getting or maintaining an erection when masturbating, receiving manual or oral sex, or in the middle of sex?
If this is the case, it’s probably a good idea to learn more about erectile dysfunction. This is something which, although stressful, can usually be dealt with very well.
It can be useful to speak to a doctor about it if you feel it’s a serious problem, as there can be many different physical causes they can rule out. And you can also find out a lot online if you do some research.
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Does the mere sight of a condom packet ruin your erection? Do you have any tips for putting them on successfully, or just feel like ranting about your own crappy experience with them?
Let me know in the comments below!