This is my story of coping with premature ejaculation, and why I did nothing about it for so long. If it’s a problem you also have, hopefully you’ll find it a useful motivator to deal with it, along with helpful advice about what you can do.
It might also provide some solace in knowing that you’re not the only man who’s suffered the embarrassment and frustration that it brings.
Note – sorry about all the text in this article. I didn’t add any images because you probably don’t want to see photos of me pretending to look sad, or stock images of some random dude looking sad who obviously isn’t me.
Losing my virginity and confidence
Although not all men develop premature ejaculation because of rushed masturbation, I’m fairly sure it was a major cause for me. Like many, I would just do it as fast as possible to avoid being caught.
I also think I was just a bit unlucky when losing my virginity. I was a late starter by modern standards, losing it at 19, and it was with a friend of a friend I met in a nightclub.
After sharing some excited kisses in the club, we went back to my place in the early hours of the morning to continue the fun. By the time things really heated up, I was so excited from hours of close dancing, flirting and foreplay that I didn’t even make it to sex the first time we tried.
I’d never even heard of premature ejaculation, but I obviously realized it would have been good to last on the positive side of zero seconds.
I didn’t know it at the time, but my confidence in my sexual ability took a huge hit in that moment. Like most women, she kept any disappointment to herself and did a good job of making me feel like it was alright.
Unfortunately, the second time we tried wasn’t much better. And so it slowly dawned on me that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.
Just to make matters worse, I now know that I naturally have a physically sensitive penis. So in hindsight, I was probably always going to have problems with my stamina in bed, no matter how much anxiety might have also played a role following those first awkward moments.
Over the next few weeks I discovered the true extent of the problem; if I went 24 hours or longer without sex, I wouldn’t last more than a minute – if we were lucky.
If we had sex several times a day, I would get better each time, though rarely lasting longer than 5 minutes. And that depended on her being willing to wait for that better second, third or fourth time.
And since I didn’t know anything at the time about the concept of sex not being only about penetration and orgasm, over the months we gradually had sex less and less.
And the incredible thing is that we never once spoke about it.
To this day, the only thing that I still find a little embarrassing is that for the next few years I didn’t speak to any partner about it, nor did I do anything about it – not even when I was married.
Interestingly, no girlfriend ever tried hard to talk to me about it either, apart from my ex-wife sometimes jokingly insulting me when I came too soon.
Admittedly, we would sometimes talk about the fact that I often came too quickly, but never in the terms that it was a problem that needed fixing. In fact, what happened is that we also had sex less and less often, to the point of almost never.
I selfishly managed to conjure up the excuse that it was precisely because we didn’t have sex very often that I couldn’t handle it on the times that we did. While technically true, the reality is that it’s not a chicken or the egg situation. It was my fault for not addressing it sooner.
It was only after I split up with my wife (my premature ejaculation wasn’t the reason!), that one day out of the blue I admitted to myself that I had a problem.
Admitting that it was problem came with mixed feelings. I felt bad that I hadn’t done anything about it sooner and more than a little bit embarrassed as I reflected on all the early finishes.
How many times had I left my ex-partners screaming in silence? How many friends had they complained about me to?
And at the same time, I was kind of excited by the idea of trying to fix the problem, wondering what kind of lover I might be if I could just deal with this one major issue.
First steps to dealing with it
For someone who spent years ignoring it, when I finally got round to dealing with my premature ejaculation, I became very dedicated – the fact that I started this website speaks for itself!
The hardest part was admitting it was a problem; everything else would simply be research and practical steps – or so I hoped.
After reading a few vague articles in men’s health websites, I read one of the many self-help ebooks sold online. Kind of expensive, but also very useful at the time.
Reading that book gave me two things: some hope and a lot of work to do. The key, apparently, to curing premature ejaculation was to practice the right techniques during masturbation and/or sex.
I found out though that it can take a while for these natural techniques to pay off fully. But in the meantime there were some tips I learned from the book which I could try out.
I tried putting together as many of the techniques as I could remember the next few times I had sex, and did see some improvements, but it was a bit hit or miss. Once or twice I found I could last a fair bit longer, but an equal number of times I only lasted a little longer.
Trying out desensitizing products
Since I suspected that I had a particularly sensitive penis, I thought it would be worth trying one of the desensitizing products that I kept reading about online.
I first tried different kinds of benzocaine and extra thick condoms, but found them a bit too uncomfortable to use. I also tried priligy, but it didn’t make enough of a difference for me to be willing to put up with the side effects.
I then tried several different desensitizing sprays and creams. Like the condoms, they were numbing me too much though, leaving me frustrated that nothing seemed to help much.
After a lot of trial and error I eventually discovered a delay spray called Promescent. This was the first time I found something which really worked.
It was still only a temporary measure, but seemed to be a very effective one that reliably helped me last longer every time (more about that in my Promescent review).
So now I had something which would help me to last around 10 minutes on average instead of just 1-5 minutes. It was time to focus my attention on the natural techniques to see if I could cure the problem, as promescent is kind of expensive and I didn’t want to have to depend on it forever.
The natural techniques
When I started learning about the natural techniques I was single, so I had plenty of time to work through the book and understand what needed to be done.
I practiced the techniques in the book almost every day, slowly but surely learning to understand and control my arousal levels.
It was around 2 months that I had sex again, and finally had a chance to test the techniques for real. And the result was that my efforts had indeed helped.
The first time wasn’t a very reliable test because I was a bit drunk – probably a good reintroduction as alcohol does tend to help me! But when having sex the next day I still found I was able to last considerably longer than before.
The funny thing is that I’d come to the conclusion that talking about it would help reduce my anxiety. So when the woman I was with looked into my eyes and simply said ‘trust me, you don’t have a problem’, it was a pretty special moment.
Could I finally say that I no longer had a problem, and had beaten PE in just a couple of months?
The ongoing situation
What I’ve now come to realize is that for the natural techniques to work long-term – at least for me – I do need to stay conscious of them when I have sex.
If I get lazy and become complacent, my lasting time will slowly start to drop back down again. Especially if I’ve been single for a while and not continued working on the techniques on my own.
And if I abandon everything I’ve learned about arousal control, breathing, stopping when necessary and many other important techniques and just go for it, it’s amazing how much sooner I’ll finish during sex.
The other problem is that I’ve still got a sensitive penis, and maybe it always will be. I think because of that I still have difficulties in some circumstances – mainly when I’m with a new partner after being single for a while.
Having said that, I think most guys have trouble controlling the intense levels of arousal the first few times with someone new. So when you’ve been single for an extended period, I think it’s important to have realistic expectations of what you can do.
So in some ways, it’s probably good to have a desensitizing product as a backup plan as well.
My advice for you
If you’ve just started looking into premature ejaculation treatment, the most important thing I think you can do is to stay focused on finding the right solution for you personally. And if you do decide to give the natural techniques a go, don’t give up too soon.
As with so many things in life, accepting that you have a problem is the hardest part. After that, it might be a case of trial and error, and probably some time investment unless you’re willing to keep paying for desensitizing products.
For someone who studied Psychology and was working in mental health, I still can’t believe it took me so many years to finally face such an obviously important problem. Don’t make the same mistake!
3 years later
I originally wrote this article in 2013, and 3 years later I’m happy to say that things are even better. I finally feel like I’ve developed a solid understanding of my arousal levels and have good control during sex.
I’m now able to control myself to the extent that I would no longer say I suffer from premature ejaculation; I can usually last at least 10 minutes, and sometimes much longer.
If I don’t use a condom and feel particularly aroused, my time can still drop back down. But I’ve now become more confident in taking control of my sex life, and do all the right things to keep my arousal in check.
So my advice to you is to get started learning how to control your arousal as soon as possible. It can be done, even if physical sensitivity is an issue.
4 years later
In recent months, I’ve been experimenting a lot with the concept of satisfying my partner in other ways when we make love. We both enjoy oral sex, and so I’ve been playing around with 3 different ideas – with a lot of success.
The first is to bring her to orgasm through oral before we even have sex. This takes all the pressure off me, satisfies her and ensures I’m still full of excitement during the whole experience.
The second is to take full control and tease her for a long time, starting and stopping oral sex repeatedly and teasing her whole body. She then tends to orgasm faster when I eventually move on to penetrative sex.
And the third is to have sex normally, and if she doesn’t orgasm, simply switch to oral sex to finish her off.
All 3 ideas have improved our love life a lot, and it’s good for both of us to have that variety. She never knows what my plan is exactly, and that helps keep things fresh too.
And in the meantime, my control just gets better and better. The combination of practice, confidence and still working on this website and so keeping up with the latest ideas about premature ejaculation are probably why.
7 years later
It’s been a long time since the last update! So here’s the good news. I don’t feel like I have premature ejaculation any more. Not that it’s never a problem, just that it’s infrequent enough that I wouldn’t say it’s a major issue any more.
I still feel that making oral sex a big part of our sex life – every single time without fail – made a massive difference. I also believe that the simple stuff makes a big difference to – not going too long without sex or masturbation. Not pounding away like a jackhammer in positions like doggy style. Wearing a condom. Breathing calmly.
All those things might sound like gimmicks, or that there must be more to it – some magic pill or insanely complex trick. But actually, the basics play a significant role in my experience, so don’t neglect them. The good thing is that techniques like those are all free as well.
Sure, some men might benefit from professional advice, medication, sprays or condoms. But for others, just some technique adjustment and attitude tweaking can help immensely.
You might also like
I’ve written a lot about this topic, and sex in general, on this site. I try to provide a good amount of free information, and reviews of products that aren’t too expensive, as well as covering some of the more costly options.
If you want to get started with a basic technique, I recommend reading my take on the classic start and stop technique. It’s very simple, and I found it helped a lot. It’s also a core method in every premature ejaculation guide I’ve read.
The book I mentioned in the article is no longer available. There are others, but I won’t link them here at the end as otherwise you’ll think this whole article was written to sell an expensive ebook, which it isn’t. So you’ll have to have a look around if you want to find out more about them.
One final note – please share your thoughts in the comments below. Feel free to rant or ask questions.