This is my story of coping with premature ejaculation, and why I did nothing about it for so long. If it’s a problem you also have, hopefully you’ll find it a useful motivator to deal with it, along with helpful advice about what you can do.
It might also provide some solace in knowing that you’re not the only man who’s suffered the embarrassment and frustration that it brings.
In the beginning: losing my virginity and confidence
Although not all men develop premature ejaculation because of rushed masturbation, I’m fairly sure it was a major cause for me. Honestly, I would just do it as fast as possible to avoid being caught in the act.
I also think I was just a bit unlucky when I lost my virginity. I was a late starter by modern standards, losing it at 19 with a friend of a friend I met in a nightclub.
After passionately making out in the club, we went back to my place in the early hours of the morning to continue the fun. By the time things really heated up, I was so excited from hours of close dancing, flirting, and foreplay that I didn’t even make it to sex the first time we tried.
I’d never heard of the term ‘premature ejaculation’, but I obviously realised it would have been good to last for longer than what felt like literally just a few seconds.
I didn’t know it at the time, but my confidence in my sexual ability took a huge hit at that moment. Like most women, she kept any disappointment to herself and did her best to make me feel like it was alright.
Unfortunately, the second time we tried wasn’t much better, and so it slowly dawned on me that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing in the bedroom. These were pre-internet days (yeah, I’m that old!), so there was a limit to how much information I could access about sex and how to be better at it.
Just to make matters worse, I now know that I naturally have a physically sensitive penis. Looking back, I feel I was likely to have problems with my stamina in bed, no matter how much anxiety might have also played a role in those first awkward moments.
The silence
Over the next few weeks, I discovered the true extent of my problem. If I went 24 hours or more without sex, I wouldn’t last longer than a minute on average.
If we had sex several times a day, I would get better each time, though rarely lasted longer than five minutes even on the third attempt. That also depended on her being willing to wait for that better second, third or fourth time.
Since I didn’t know anything at the time about the concept of sex not being only about penetration and orgasm, over the months we gradually had sex less and less.
In hindsight, it would have been good if we had spoken openly about it, but we didn’t. It was the awkward elephant in the bedroom for a long time.
To this day, the only thing that I still find a little embarrassing is that for the next few years I didn’t speak to any subsequent partners about the issue or try to do anything about it.
Interestingly, no girlfriend ever tried hard to talk to me about it either, apart from my ex-wife sometimes jokingly insulting me when I came too soon.
Admittedly, we would sometimes talk about the fact that I often came too quickly, but never used language that suggested it was a problem that needed fixing. In fact, what happened is that we also had sex less and less often, to the point of almost never.
The excuses
I selfishly managed to conjure up the excuse that it was precisely because we didn’t have sex very often that I couldn’t handle the pleasure on the rare occasion we did have sex. While technically true, the reality is that it’s not a chicken or the egg situation. It was my fault for not addressing it sooner.
It was only after I got divorced (premature ejaculation wasn’t the reason, believe it or not!), that one day out of the blue I admitted to myself that I had a problem.
This realisation came with mixed feelings though. I felt bad that I hadn’t done anything about it sooner and more than a little bit embarrassed as I reflected on all the rubbish sex I’d had in the past.
How many times had my ex-partners silently wished I was better in bed? How many friends had they told about their disappointment with their love life?
At the same time though, I was actually excited by the idea of trying to fix the problem, wondering what kind of lover I might be if I could just deal with this one major issue. There was a glimmer of hope that finally gave me some motivation to tackle the problem.
First steps in dealing with it
For someone who spent years ignoring it, when I finally got round to dealing with my premature ejaculation issue, I became very dedicated to the cause. The fact that I eventually created this website says enough, I think.
The hardest part was admitting it was a problem, and everything else would simply be research and practical steps. Or so I hoped.
After reading a few short articles on men’s health websites, I found a self-help book which went into more detail and was very useful at the time.
Reading that book gave me two things: some hope and a lot of work to do. The key, apparently, to coping with premature ejaculation (for some men) was to practice the right techniques during masturbation and/or sex.
However, I found out that it can take a while for these natural techniques to pay off fully. So in the meantime, there were some tips I learned from the book which I could try out, such as breathing slower and avoiding the positions you find too intense, like missionary or from behind on all fours.
I tried putting together as many of the simpler tips as I could remember the next few times I had sex, and did see some improvements, but it was a bit hit or miss. Once or twice I found I could last a fair bit longer, but an equal number of times I only lasted a little longer.
Trying out desensitizing products
Because I suspected that I had a very physically sensitive penis, I thought it would be worth trying one of the desensitizing products that I kept reading about online as well as working my way through the ebook.
I first experimented with some benzocaine and extra-thick condoms. They worked quite well, but I found the numbing was a bit too much sometimes and I would have preferred a solution that worked without a condom.
I next tried Priligy, which comes in pill form, but it didn’t make enough of a difference for me to be willing to put up with the side effects.
I then tried several different desensitizing sprays and creams. Like the condoms, they sometimes numbed me too much though, leaving me frustrated that nothing seemed to help much.
After a lot of trial and error, I eventually discovered a delay spray called Promescent. This was the first time I found an on-demand treatment that consistently worked well for me.
It was still only a temporary measure, but seemed to be a very effective one that reliably helped me last longer every time.
You can get the spray on their official website Promescent.com. Or to find out more about it, have a read of my Promescent review.
So now I had something which would help me to last around 10 minutes on average instead of just 1-5 minutes, which was amazing.
Still, I wanted to know if I could cure the problem outright rather than relying on products I would potentially need to keep spending money on, so it was back to the book.
Natural techniques to control your arousal levels
The book I bought promised to help you last longer without any pills, sprays, or creams, etc. It’s no longer available, but you can get most of the information for free online nowadays anyway, including in my own articles on this blog.
When I decided to commit to learning the natural techniques properly, I was newly single, so I had plenty of time to dedicate to them. I practiced the techniques in the book almost every day, slowly but surely learning to understand and control my arousal levels.
I also believe it made a massive difference using a sex toy rather than just ‘normal’ masturbation when practicing the start and stop technique and Kegels. I picked one up from Fleshlight.com, a company known for high-quality men’s sex toys.
I realised from the first day that it was both more enjoyable and more challenging. I’m fairly certain that by consistently having a more physically stimulating experience on my own, it helped bridge the gap between masturbation and the reality of sex.
It was after around two months that I had sex again, and finally had a chance to test the techniques for real. My dedication had paid off and the techniques clearly made a difference to both my confidence and my lasting time during sex.
Admittedly, the first time wasn’t a very reliable test because I was a bit tipsy and alcohol usually helps me last longer anyway, which I did. When having sex the next day though, I still found I was able to last considerably longer than I used to.
The funny thing is that I’d come to the conclusion that talking about it would help reduce my anxiety, so I told her I had an issue with my stamina in bed sometimes. It was a special moment when she looked into my eyes and simply said “Trust me, you don’t have a problem!”
Could I finally say that I no longer had a problem, and had beaten premature ejaculation in just a couple of months?
Not quite.
The ongoing situation
What I’ve now come to realize is that for the natural techniques to work long-term – at least for me – I need to stay conscious of them when I have sex.
If I become complacent, my lasting time will slowly start to drop back down again. The step backward is even more apparent if I’ve been single for a while and not continued working on the techniques on my own.
If I abandon everything I’ve learned about arousal control, breathing, stopping when necessary, and many other important techniques and just go for it, it’s amazing how much sooner I’ll finish during sex.
The other problem is that I’ve still got a sensitive penis, and maybe it always will be. I think because of that I still have difficulties in some circumstances, mainly when I’m with a new partner after being single for a while.
Having said that, I think many men have trouble controlling the intense levels of arousal the first few times with someone new. When you’ve been single for an extended period, I think it’s important to have realistic expectations of what you can do.
For that reason, I think it’s probably good to have a desensitizing product as a backup plan as well.
My advice for you
If you’ve just started looking into premature ejaculation treatment, the most important thing I think you can do is to stay focused on finding the right solution for you personally. And if you do decide to give the natural techniques a go, don’t give up too soon.
As with so many things in life, accepting that you have a problem is the hardest part. After that, it might be a case of trial and error, and probably some time investment unless you’re willing to keep paying for desensitizing products.
I still can’t believe it took me so many years to finally face such an obviously important problem!
Updates
Three years later…
I wrote the first version of this article way back in 2013, and three years later I’m happy to say that things are even better. I finally feel like I’ve developed a solid understanding of my arousal levels.
I’m now able to control myself during sex to the extent that I don’t have premature ejaculation nearly as often as I used to.
If I don’t use a condom and feel particularly aroused, my time can still drop back down. But I’ve now become more confident in taking control of my sex life, and do all the right things to keep my arousal in check.
I do still use a delay spray from time to time though, and like having it as a backup plan if I feel the need for a bit of extra help rather than relying on natural techniques alone.
Four years later…
In recent months, I’ve been experimenting a lot with the concept of satisfying my partner in other ways when we make love. We both enjoy oral sex, and so I’ve been playing around with three different ideas, with a lot of success.
The first is to bring her to orgasm through oral before we even have sex. This takes all the pressure off me, satisfies her, and ensures I’m still full of excitement during the whole experience.
The second is to take full control and tease her for a long time, starting and stopping oral sex repeatedly and teasing her whole body. She then tends to orgasm faster when I eventually move on to penetrative sex.
The third is to have sex normally, and if she doesn’t orgasm, switch to oral sex to finish her off if she’d like me to (sometimes she’s fine with just stopping, especially if she feels she just won’t come on that particular day).
All three ideas have improved our love life a lot, and it’s good for both of us to have that variety. She never knows what my plan is exactly, and that helps keep things fresh too.
In the meantime, my control just gets better and better. The combination of practice, confidence, and still working on this website and so keeping up with the latest ideas about premature ejaculation are probably why.
Many years later…
It’s 2026, and I’m still updating this article! I’m very happy to say that I would no longer describe myself as having a serious problem with premature ejaculation.
I’m very satisfied with my sex life these days, feel full of confidence in the bedroom, and can usually last long enough for both of us to have satisfying sex.
The main new thing I’ve done since the last update is to start practicing yoga and meditation on a daily basis. I do feel that this has also helped me in the bedroom because I’m more in tune with my breathing and bodily tension. If I spot myself breathing too fast and shallow, or tensing my body too much, I adjust what I’m doing and focus on staying relaxed.
Learning to communicate openly about sex with my partner has also helped too I think. The more you talk about sex together, the less stressful any problems can be as you’ll be dealing with them together.
I now think one of the easiest and best ways to help yourself last longer is simply to masturbate earlier in the day you have sex. Yes, I know there is a whole ‘no fap’ thing online, but I don’t buy into that narrative. I do agree that a porn addiction or supporting the making of extreme and exploitative videos isn’t good, so please avoid that.
However, strategically using masturbation to reduce your arousal levels a bit so sex lasts longer is fine in my opinion. However, this isn’t always possible to do, especially if you’re both at home all day! So the main reason I still keep a stock of Promescent is to use it on days when I feel more aroused and could do with a little desensitisation.
Finally, and most importantly, I live by one very simple rule when having sex with my partner: she comes first.
Whether it’s manual stimulation, oral sex, using a vibrator, or a combination, life is just better when we dedicate the first part of our physical sex time to her pleasure. Even if she can sometimes orgasm through penetrative sex, like most women, it’s much less likely than with dedicated time focussed on clitoral stimulation.
Once she’s had a good time, I can do the ‘man’ part without worrying so much about how long it lasts anyway. If I could go back in time, this would be the number one thing I’d tell my younger self! Not only does it ensure she enjoys sex too, but it also takes the pressure off you to last for ages.
