This is my story of coping with premature ejaculation, and why I did nothing about it for so long. If it’s a problem you also have, hopefully you’ll find it a useful motivator to deal with it, along with helpful advice about what you can do.
It might also provide some solace in knowing that you’re not the only man who’s suffered the embarrassment and frustration that it brings.
In the beginning: losing my virginity and confidence
Although not all men develop premature ejaculation because of rushed masturbation, I’m fairly sure it was a major cause for me. Honestly, I would just do it as fast as possible to avoid being caught in the act.
I also think I was just a bit unlucky when I lost my virginity. I was a late starter by modern standards, losing it at 19 with a friend of a friend I met in a nightclub.
After passionately making out in the club, we went back to my place in the early hours of the morning to continue the fun. By the time things really heated up, I was so excited from hours of close dancing, flirting, and foreplay that I didn’t even make it to sex the first time we tried.
I’d never heard of the term ‘premature ejaculation’, but I obviously realized it would have been good to last on the positive side of zero seconds.
I didn’t know it at the time, but my confidence in my sexual ability took a huge hit at that moment. Like most women, she kept any disappointment to herself and did her best to make me feel like it was alright.
Unfortunately, the second time we tried wasn’t much better, and so it slowly dawned on me that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing in the bedroom. These were pre-internet days (yeah, I’m that old!), so there was a limit to how much information I could access about sex and how to be better at it.
Just to make matters worse, I now know that I naturally have a physically sensitive penis. In hindsight then, I was probably always going to have problems with my stamina in bed, no matter how much anxiety might have also played a role following those first awkward moments.
Over the next few weeks, I discovered the true extent of my problem. If I went 24 hours or more without sex, I wouldn’t last longer than a minute on average.
If we had sex several times a day, I would get better each time, though rarely lasted longer than five minutes even on the third attempt. That also depended on her being willing to wait for that better second, third or fourth time.
Since I didn’t know anything at the time about the concept of sex not being only about penetration and orgasm, over the months we gradually had sex less and less.
Looking back, I wish we had spoken openly about it, but we just didn’t. It was the awkward elephant in the bedroom for a long time.
To this day, the only thing that I still find a little embarrassing is that for the next few years I didn’t speak to any partner about the issue or try to do anything about it. Not even when I was married.
Interestingly, no girlfriend ever tried hard to talk to me about it either, apart from my ex-wife sometimes jokingly insulting me when I came too soon.
Admittedly, we would sometimes talk about the fact that I often came too quickly, but never used language that suggested it was a problem that needed fixing. In fact, what happened is that we also had sex less and less often, to the point of almost never.
I selfishly managed to conjure up the excuse that it was precisely because we didn’t have sex very often that I couldn’t handle the pleasure on the rare occasion we did have sex. While technically true, the reality is that it’s not a chicken or the egg situation. It was my fault for not addressing it sooner.
It was only after I split up with my wife (premature ejaculation wasn’t the reason), that one day out of the blue I admitted to myself that I had a problem.
Admitting that it was a problem came with mixed feelings. I felt bad that I hadn’t done anything about it sooner and more than a little bit embarrassed as I reflected on all the rubbish sex I’d had in the past.
How many times had my ex-partners silently wished I was better in bed? How many friends had they told about their disappointment with their love life?
At the same time though, I was actually excited by the idea of trying to fix the problem, wondering what kind of lover I might be if I could just deal with this one major issue. There was a glimmer of hope that finally gave me some motivation to tackle the problem.
First steps in dealing with it
For someone who spent years ignoring it, when I finally got round to dealing with my premature ejaculation issue, I became very dedicated to the cause. The fact that I eventually created this website says enough, I think.
The hardest part was admitting it was a problem, and everything else would simply be research and practical steps. Or so I hoped.
After reading a few vague articles on men’s health websites, I read one of the many self-help ebooks sold online. It was a bit expensive, but also very useful at the time.
Reading that book gave me two things: some hope and a lot of work to do. The key, apparently, to curing premature ejaculation was to practice the right techniques during masturbation and/or sex.
I found out though that it can take a while for these natural techniques to pay off fully. In the meantime, there were some tips I learned from the book which I could try out, such as breathing slower and avoiding the positions you find too intense like missionary or doggy style.
I tried putting together as many of the simpler tips as I could remember the next few times I had sex, and did see some improvements, but it was a bit hit or miss. Once or twice I found I could last a fair bit longer, but an equal number of times I only lasted a little longer.
Trying out desensitizing products
Because I suspected that I had a very physically sensitive penis, I thought it would be worth trying one of the desensitizing products that I kept reading about online as well as working my way through the ebook.
I first experimented with some benzocaine and extra-thick condoms. They worked quite well, but I found the numbing was a bit too much sometimes and I would have preferred a solution that worked without a condom.
I next tried Priligy, which comes in pill form, but it didn’t make enough of a difference for me to be willing to put up with the side effects.
I then tried several different desensitizing sprays and creams. Like the condoms, they sometimes numbed me too much though, leaving me frustrated that nothing seemed to help much.
After a lot of trial and error, I eventually discovered a delay spray called Promescent. This was the first time I found an on-demand treatment that consistently worked well for me.
It was still only a temporary measure, but seemed to be a very effective one that reliably helped me last longer every time (check out my Promescent review for more about that spray).
So now I had something which would help me to last around 10 minutes on average instead of just 1-5 minutes, which was amazing.
Still, I wanted to know if I could cure the problem outright rather than relying on products I would potentially need to keep spending money on, so it was back to the ebook.
Natural techniques to control your arousal levels
The ebook I bought promised to you to last longer without any pills, sprays, or creams, etc. Unfortunately, the one I bought is no longer available, but there are a couple of more recent sexual stamina guides that have very similar content and are equally good.
When I decided to commit to learning the natural techniques properly, I was newly single, so I had plenty of time to dedicate to them.
I practiced the techniques in the book almost every day, slowly but surely learning to understand and control my arousal levels.
It was after around two months that I had sex again, and finally had a chance to test the techniques for real. My dedication had paid off and the techniques clearly made a difference to both my confidence and my lasting time during sex.
Admittedly, the first time wasn’t a very reliable test because I was a bit tipsy and alcohol usually helps me last longer anyway, which I did. When having sex the next day though, I still found I was able to last considerably longer than I used to.
The funny thing is that I’d come to the conclusion that talking about it would help reduce my anxiety, so I told her I had an issue with my stamina in bed sometimes. It was a special moment when she looked into my eyes and simply said “Trust me, you don’t have a problem!”
Could I finally say that I no longer had a problem, and had beaten premature ejaculation in just a couple of months?
The ongoing situation
What I’ve now come to realize is that for the natural techniques to work long-term – at least for me – I need to stay conscious of them when I have sex.
If I get lazy and become complacent, my lasting time will slowly start to drop back down again. The step backward is even more apparent if I’ve been single for a while and not continued working on the techniques on my own.
If I abandon everything I’ve learned about arousal control, breathing, stopping when necessary, and many other important techniques and just go for it, it’s amazing how much sooner I’ll finish during sex.
The other problem is that I’ve still got a sensitive penis, and maybe it always will be. I think because of that I still have difficulties in some circumstances, mainly when I’m with a new partner after being single for a while.
Having said that, I think many men have trouble controlling the intense levels of arousal the first few times with someone new. When you’ve been single for an extended period, I think it’s important to have realistic expectations of what you can do.
For that reason, I think it’s probably good to have a desensitizing product as a backup plan as well.
My advice for you
If you’ve just started looking into premature ejaculation treatment, the most important thing I think you can do is to stay focused on finding the right solution for you personally. And if you do decide to give the natural techniques a go, don’t give up too soon.
As with so many things in life, accepting that you have a problem is the hardest part. After that, it might be a case of trial and error, and probably some time investment unless you’re willing to keep paying for desensitizing products.
For someone who studied Psychology, I still can’t believe it took me so many years to finally face such an obviously important problem. Don’t make the same mistake!
Three years later…
I originally wrote this article in 2013, and three years later I’m happy to say that things are even better. I finally feel like I’ve developed a solid understanding of my arousal levels and have good control during sex.
I’m now able to control myself to the extent that I rarely suffer from premature ejaculation. I often last at least 10 minutes, and sometimes longer.
If I don’t use a condom and feel particularly aroused, my time can still drop back down. But I’ve now become more confident in taking control of my sex life, and do all the right things to keep my arousal in check.
My advice is to get started learning how to control your arousal as soon as possible. It can be done, even if physical sensitivity is an issue.
Four years later…
In recent months, I’ve been experimenting a lot with the concept of satisfying my partner in other ways when we make love. We both enjoy oral sex, and so I’ve been playing around with three different ideas, with a lot of success.
The first is to bring her to orgasm through oral before we even have sex. This takes all the pressure off me, satisfies her, and ensures I’m still full of excitement during the whole experience.
The second is to take full control and tease her for a long time, starting and stopping oral sex repeatedly and teasing her whole body. She then tends to orgasm faster when I eventually move on to penetrative sex.
The third is to have sex normally, and if she doesn’t orgasm, switch to oral sex to finish her off if she’d like me to (sometimes she’s fine with just stopping, especially if she feels she just won’t come on that particular day).
All three ideas have improved our love life a lot, and it’s good for both of us to have that variety. She never knows what my plan is exactly, and that helps keep things fresh too.
In the meantime, my control just gets better and better. The combination of practice, confidence, and still working on this website and so keeping up with the latest ideas about premature ejaculation are probably why.
Seven years later…
It’s been a long time since the last update. So here’s the good news: I don’t feel like I have premature ejaculation anymore. Not that it’s never a problem, just that it’s infrequent enough that I wouldn’t say it’s a major issue now.
I still feel that making oral sex a big part of our sex life – every single time without fail – made a massive difference. I also believe that the simple stuff makes a big difference too: not going too long without sex or masturbation; not pounding away like a jackhammer in positions like doggy style; wearing a condom; breathing slowly and calmly.
All those things might sound like gimmicks, or that there must be more to it – some magic pill or insanely complex trick. But actually, the basics play a significant role in my experience, so don’t neglect them. The good thing is that techniques like those are all free as well.
Sure, some men might benefit from professional advice, medication, sprays, or condoms. For others, just some technique adjustment and attitude tweaking can help immensely.
Nine years later…
It’s 2022, and I’m still updating this article! I’m very happy to say that I would no longer describe myself as having premature ejaculation at all. Quite the opposite in fact. I’m very satisfied with my sex life these days, feel full of confidence in the bedroom, and can last for a very long time sometimes.
The only new thing I’ve done since the last update is to start practicing yoga and meditation on a daily basis. I do feel that this has also helped me in the bedroom because I’m more in tune with my breathing and bodily tension. If I spot myself breathing too fast and shallow, or tensing my body too much, I adjust what I’m doing and focus on staying relaxed.
Other than that, learning to communicate openly about sex with my partner has helped too I think. The more you talk about sex together, the less stressful any problems can be as you’ll be dealing with them together.
You might also like
I’ve written a lot about this topic, and sex in general, on this site. I try to provide a good amount of free information, and reviews of products that aren’t too expensive, as well as cover some of the more costly options.
If you want to get started with a basic technique, I recommend reading my take on the classic start and stop technique. It’s very simple, and I found it helped a lot. It’s also a core method in every premature ejaculation guide I’ve read.
And if you’re interested in trying a desensitizing product, have a look at my reviews of delay sprays and also of benzocaine condoms.
One final note – please share your thoughts in the comments below. Feel free to rant or ask questions.
When I started masturbating I could last for 10-15 mins. But in the last two or three years, I trained my brain to orgasm fast. I did this to avoid being caught and now I can only last for 30-40 seconds. Can u please help me by telling if I should try reverse kegals? Please reply. My PE has messed up my life. I can’t focus on studies due to it. And I am really depressed.
First of all, I think this is reversible, so try not to stress about it too much! I know it’s difficult, but have faith you’ll improve your situation. I personally think reverse kegels can be kind of confusing, and perhaps in your case the best option to explore first would be the simple start and stop technique. Just do the opposite of what you’ve been doing basically, and try to aim for a longer time before finishing. To do that, you need to somehow find a way to remove the fear of being caught – choosing the time and place wisely would be my advice!
Back from 7 weeks of practicing with mixed success
So – just over a week ago I met up with this girl and had a few drinks (which always play to my advantage) and sprayed a spray of promescent on my penis and had AMAZING SEX. Was going for about half an hour and chose when I wanted to cum. After this because I was really busy I stopped practicing for a week and in this time was fantasizing a lot so think my arousal crept up again and pelvic floor got tight. I then practiced (the masturbation techniques from ejaculation trainer) a few more times and met her yesterday. I had edged for 2 days prior without cumming so I think I was already on edge, plus we were dirty talking on the phone so I was ready to go. She gave me head and after about a minute I could feel the PONR coming, so switched to foreplay for her and made her cum. We were outside in a park so went to stand up doggy and after about 2 minutes I felt the PONR coming again. Usually I would pull out and go back to foreplay but cause we were outside I just powered through and came. We went for a second round about 30 minutes later which was about 7 minutes. Looking back, if I’d paid more attention to my breathing and focussed more the second time I could have gone for longer.
The reason I’m telling you this story is cause I wanna know if you had the same journey I had. How long did it take for practicing the natural techniques to pay off for you? & do you have any advice for me in the current stage I’m in. Feel like I’m close but also so far – can’t always rely on a second round
Interesting to hear how things went. For me, the most similar part of the journey was making the mistake of holding it for 2 days before sex thinking it will all be ok! I’d say now that masturbating every single day if you don’t have sex should hopefully prevent the ‘pent up’ feeling. It also sounds like the spray worked really well for you. That should give you confidence knowing you have a great backup plan if natural techniques don’t work out. It sounds like you’re heading in a great direction though. I don’t think I need to compare or give you much more advice. Just keeping focussed on the techniques you’ve learned should be enough hopefully!
Did you take the E-train supplement Matt gorden recommends in his book when you were trying out the natural techniques?
No, I didn’t feel it was necessary. In fact, I very, very rarely take the supplements recommended in eBooks. Not just because I don’t think it’s usually necessary, but also because I regularly test and review new products, so if I constantly took the supplements they all recommend, my body would be constantly bombarded by all sorts!
Hi Ethan – really found this article inspiring – I’m going to try to cure my PE whilst the whole world is in lockdown – is there any way I can private message you for advice?
I’m glad the article was useful. And yeah, I guess it’s a good time to work on problems like this if you’re stuck at home with extra time to fill. I usually avoid private messaging through this site to reduce the risk of data privacy issues. It’s the same reason I don’t have social media or an email subscription option. But feel free to ask questions here and I will reply.
So basically I’ll give you my story. I am pretty much 100% sure that my PE is induced from rushed masturbation to porn up to 18 – it got to the stage where my EQ was so bad I would watch through about 5 porn videos looking for all the different things that would get me aroused and the masturbate as quickly as possible to the best bit of the video. I think this created an auto-pilot response in my brain that when I’m aroused to ejaculate. I experienced PE from my very first time to the 5th girl I slept with (apart from a one off when drunk where I actually ejaculated and just kept going 😂 don’t know how I did that). After the 5th girl I slept with I realised I had a problem and gave up porn and started edging for about 2 months every couple days – distracting myself whenever I felt aroused – after this 2 months I met my gf and had the best sex of my life the first time we met and I literally couldn’t cum – we went for about 30mins and I made her orgasm twice – however on this time I was quite drunk. I figured that it was the alcohol that gave me this power and used it as a crutch for the next 4 months of our relationship whilst we were casually hooking up (some of the best sex of my life one time where she had a squirting orgasm! And I think at this time because my confidence was so high there were a FEW one offs where I would actually last about 10mins sober – unaware at the time how well I was doing 😅). However as we got closer in the relationship and started spending a lot more time together sober, that’s when I noticed I REALLY had a problem and my performance anxiety started getting worse and worse as she is such a beautiful girl who gets a lot of male attention. I have a slightly above average sized penis so I felt I needed to be amazing in bed to compete with all those other guys. I started going for sex therapy and was given some techniques to try out which did have some success – one time having sex on only two beers (after 2 rounds of sex though tbf) and lasting about 30 mins and one time completely sober lasting about 15 mins making her have a full body orgasm but I did take priligy the night before. However this was over the space of about 2 months so the vast majority of times sober I would have to stop and pull out after 2 mins max and once I reached that point I could never get back down. Now whilst I’m in this lockdown I am determined to be in complete control of my ejaculation whilst sober or at least being able to last 5-10 minutes going hard without stopping. However I am also aware that my performance anxiety and desire to always please women is definitely a contributing factor to my problem and the longer I go without sex, the more this becomes an issue. Also the fact our relationship is on the rocks a bit makes this anxiety worse. Sorry for the life story I just felt like I needed to get it off my chest to put things into perspective a bit. I just wanted to hear from you, as you know so much about PE and have so many experiences with it and dealing with it, from my case does it sound like my situation is resolvable and do you feel like watching porn contributed to your PE problem? (My current situation is if I masturbate before sex sober and me and my gf talk about it before I can maybe go 10mins, having to stop once and if I’m really drunk I can go from 10-20 mins, but the majority of the time sober if I’m really aroused, after about 2 mins of pounding I hit the PONR and can’t get back down) – this article was an inspiration to me and I’d really appreciate your advice
Also I’m trying to train with the Fleshlight STU but that shit feels so good 😭 I can’t go more than 30 seconds in there without hitting the PONR – do you have any advice for that/did you experience the same thing when you were using it?
I’m glad the article was an inspiration! To keep the reply brief, I do think you can improve your control, yes. There’s no reason not to be positive about it, and my experience was that it is possible with effort.
I think using a fleshligh, as you say in the other comment, is a great idea. I’d just use lube and go slower and don’t have the suction cap on tightly until you can build up the ability to resist better.
For me, porn wasn’t a big thing because I’m old enough that free online porn didn’t exist as much as it does now, and we didn’t have smartphones haha. But imagination and photos, yeah sure. But most importantly was just the general sense that it was something to do quickly and the idea of taking my time never occurred to me.
So I think that once it does occur to you, and you want to actively improve your time, there is no reason why you can’t with some determination.
So yeah, why not use the current lockdown situation to work on this – it’s not a bad way to gain something positive from the crazy situation we’re all in. I’m sure your partner will appreciate the effort. And try not to worry about her being someone you need to perform for. All you need to do is be yourself, and not take your sex life too seriously. Sure, put effort into being the best lover you can be. But don’t lose sleep over it, and don’t think that your self-worth is based on what one person thinks of your skills in the bedroom!
Best of luck
Thanks Ethan you’re an inspiration bro
You’re very welcome!
You must described my situation word for word. Do you have an email I can talk to you at, because I desperately need help and I think it would be helpful to talk to you.
I am 33 years old married man and I have PE. I lost my virginity at 20 and since then I have only been with 4 women including my wife. My question is could my issue be that I just didn’t have sex enough when I was single to desensitize myself. Even though I’ve been married for 8 years everytime we have sex it’s like the first time all over. People have suggested that I never got a chance to get “bored” with sex. Is this something I should try? Can having more hit it and quit it sex help me last longer with my wife?
It’s impossible to say, unfortunately. People just have different reasons they struggle with it. And the reason can change over time too. That said, I do think personally that it helps to have regular sex. It’s one of my top tips in fact! If nothing else, making sure you masturbate regularly in between sex so you’re not loaded and desparate for the once a week sex session can help too!
Ok so here is my problem. When I started having sex when I was 17 I could last for about 10-15 minutes, at the time I was going to the gym so I was physically active. I stopped working out when I turned 19, and when I turned 20 I had a relationship that ended badly and my confidence went to an all time low. After that, the time I could last gradually went down until now a year later I can barely last a minute. Any tips?
I’d say get back to the gym if you feel that had an impact on your stamina in bed too! As for the confidence, well, it’s the same as with most men in the comments here. That’s something you can work on, with a bit of positive readjustment to the way you think about sex and yourself. Have a good read through the comments as there is some great advice from other guys in your situation that you might relate to.
Great article and website, I finally feel like it was written by someone who actually knows and experienced PE, not by a generic doctor copying the thousands of other related sites.
I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years, my first and only so far, and experienced PE exactly as you describe it (<0 the first time, <1min the next years, very sensitive). While this wasn’t the reason for breaking up, I’m sure it didn’t help as sex indeed started to be less frequent (3 times a month at the end, I’m even afraid it did permanently hurt my libido which was quite high before). Also, I started hating myself because of this, while I generally have a good opinion of myself. I relate so much to you when you imagine how good a lover you’d be without PE, since I feel I’m attentioned and my previous relationship was quite successful on many other points, but catastrophic regarding sex.
Anyway, I’m 27 now and I’ve decided that I wanted to change. And if I can’t change my PE, I’ll do my best to reduce its impact on me. After a year and a half being terrified about dating someone, I’ll finally date a woman soon. I’ve also started seeing a sex therapist who helps a lot with self-confidence, some hypnosis sessions, etc. It doesn’t help much physically, but made me progress so much inside! I’ll also try a urologist at some point to see if they can make me less sensitive. Oh and, my big and main target is to find the courage to be upfront about that with the next person I’m close enough with. So hard since I’m terrified by this and never talked with my ex (yes, for 8 years) about this…
Finally, I like what you say about oral sex and so on, but unfortunately my ex didn’t like that, she didn’t even let me try more than 4-5 times, so I felt like I couldn’t do much. During foreplay she wanted me to jump to the next step, and when I was done she didn’t want more, but wasn’t satisfied either. Frustration, frustration…
Anyway, Let’s see how it evolves, I feel it can only get better and I’ll definitely try things mentioned on your site.
Thanks for your compliment and for sharing your story. Believe me, as a blogger, it’s the struggle of my life competing with thousands of rehashed articles, so it’s nice you thought this one was different…
Anyway, I hear your pain! Hopefully you will have a better experience next time around. And in my experience, very few women don’t like oral sex, so there is a very high chance the woman you’re going to date will like it. Having said that, women don’t usually like ‘bad’ oral sex though, so it’s good to hit the ground running.
Have you read my article about oral here? It’s pretty useful I think, and if nothing else, has a lot of great comments from men (and women) sharing their tips. If you don’t read it, here are three key things to remember “soft tongue, slow tease, leave the clitoris until she’s warmed up”.
Keep that in mind, and the rest will fall into place:-)
I’d try not to overthink the PE you had. Otherwise you’re going to feel very anxious when it comes to sex next time (which let’s face it, you probably will anyway, no matter what I say – sorry!). Instead, try as you say to do some positive self-work. And when you do have sex again, just take it as your own speed. If she’s a decent person, she’ll be happy to take it slowly and enjoy the anticipation.
Hi Ethan, great post – I’m really interested in reading ejaculation trainer to get started on tackling my problem once and for all, but when I click on the link it says that it has expired. Do you know what has happened/any other way I can access the book?
Thanks for the compliment and for bringing that to my attention! That ebook regularly goes offline for one reason or another. Though it looks like this time something has gone wrong and they have nothing on the domain name at all apart from some basic adverts. Over the years, I’ve seen this happen several times, and it usually comes back again at some point.
If you google the name + online free pdf you can find websites that offer it free, but they usually involve having to download from a website I don’t know how much you can trust. So I will leave that to you!
To be honest though, you can find tons of free advice online these days, including on my website. I’m planning on focussing on free resources soon too, just to help people out while the world is in turmoil with the coronavirus (yeah, even sex bloggers are aware of it!). So for now, my advice would be to save your money if you’re not feeling particularly economically secure and search online for free guides and articles.
Well, I read that it is possible to cope with this problem with the help of Tantra (if it is a psychological issue). It’s pretty interesting.
It can teach you how to establish contact with this part of the body. Though you can spend some months to recover, I think it’s worth it.
I completely agree that Tantra can be useful, and wrote about it myself. The idea to slow everything down can really help.
I had the same thing happen when I was a teenager, so it’s nice to know I am not the only one! Hindsight is a wonderful thing, of course, but I only wish I knew then what I know now and didn’t let early problems stress me out so much and give me the fear that I would be crap at sex.
Indeed it is a wonderful thing. I hope you got over that fear in the end.
To be honest I masturbate a lot. In my session, I can’t last more than 3 minutes. Am I suffering from premature ejaculation?
P. S. I am still in my teenage age.
I wouldn’t worry about it too much for now. I think it’s difficult to judge how long you’ll last for with another person purely based on how long you last when alone. So many different factors come into play. I’d say it’s important not to stress about it, as stress and anxiety won’t help much in the long run!
I think a good thing to practice when alone is what’s know as the start and stop method. You can find my detailed instructions here.
1. set a time limit, like 10 or 20 mins
2. every time you feel yourself getting close to orgasm, stop and rest for 30-60 seconds
3. start masturbating again until you next need a rest or your time limit is hit
4. keep doing this, and it can slowly but surely help you develop better control
Thanks for sharing your story, I really appreciate it. You described a lot that also happened to me. It’s such a nightmare, but I’m slowly working on it now. Your experience and outlook has been an inspiration!
You’re welcome – it’s good to know you’ve taken something positive from the article. I’m sure with some effort you’ll be able to deal with the problem.
I’m 37 and have suffered PE for as long as I can remember; I’ve been happily married for almost 10 years. I’ve always been afraid of my wife leaving me for someone that could please her better sexually than me. We have sex like 4 times a month which I consider that’s a small amount and when those occasions come they only last around 5 minutes because of me coming too soon and she doesn’t reach orgasm, heck I even bought her a vibrator that we use for the times that I come early.
I also believe that my PE comes because I’m a very anxious person, I worry too much about little things. I’m always worrying and have very little patience for stuff. See I remember one time when I was in high school that during a math exam I was so worried and nervous because I didn’t study enough, that out of the blue I ejaculated right there during the exam. I would never forget that moment, the exam was so intense, and I was sweating a lot that I don’t know my body reacted that way without me touch anything.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell my story that I’ve never told anybody.
Thanks a lot for this site Ethan
Thaks for sharing your story here too – I’m glad you find the site helpful, and feel like you could share.
Unfortunately, I think if you have PE, only having sex 4 times a month isn’t going to help much. Though ironically, having PE might be one of the reasons you’ve both allowed it to become less often. Who knows though -10 years is a long time, and many people have less sex as the years go by.
I hope you found some useful advice and ideas on the site – now you just have to go and try things, and hopefully one or more techniques or products will work for you.
OMG Ethan! Your story is so touching to me. Natural technique was awesome for me. In my case, I almost lost my wife to another man. She was always the hero in the bedroom for the first 5 years of our marriage until i saw a huge need for help. Guess what! I found it as well and i steadily became better and stronger. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
I’m glad the article was useful. It’s also good to hear from someone who managed to make a difference using natural techniques.
Hello Ethan ,
I wanna ask about the Ejaculation Trainer program because i found there was no customer support as you experienced from it, plz answer to my questions
1) will they send any Audio program to home because their home page showing dvd picture
or only online downloadable
2) can i buy using debit card
Yes, unfortunately it seems the author has either sold the guide on to someone who doesn’t maintain it, or he just doesn’t reply himself any more. I’ve started updating the site to reflect this, but there are some holes (like this article).
Anyway, to answer your Qs:
1. I don’t know, but I don’t think so.
2. That’s what I did, though it was a long time ago.
A good alternative is called Ejaculation by Command – I’ve just updated my PE guides page to explain why.
Thank you so much for you story. I am recently going through something very similar. I am 28 years old and have dealt with PE have had a very sensitive penis since I lost my virginity at 20. I believe part of it was the rush masturbation while I was in high school. But I have lost a lot of confidence and have insecurities in myself. I just recently went through a divorce like you did and although it wasn’t the biggest factor it did make my ex-wife not want to be intimate with me. She also told me multiple times how her ex-boyfriend was better in bed then I was. Her talking to him behind my back was part of the reason that led to our divorce but it has destroyed my confidence. How did you get your confidence back and feel more secure about yourself?
I have known this is an issue for a while but now that I’m single I can really start focusing on it and improving. I have been doing the start stop technique, would you highly recommend getting the stamina training unit? I also get anxiety due to my PE how did you overcome any anxiety that you had?
Thanks so much for posting this site it makes me feel better to know that I am not alone. I was so afraid I would never be able to improve and I would get hurt again the next time I am with somebody.
You’re very welcome, it’s always encouraging to know people benefit from the site:-)
Sorry to hear about your divorce and the problems you’re having with confidence now. It sounds like she was pretty mean to you in comparing you with the ex. That’s something to try and put out of your mind.
To be honest, getting my confidence back didn’t happen overnight, and was a process I went through. The main thing that helped was just knowing that I was going to do my best to sort the problem out and become a ‘better’ lover in the future. Taking ownership of it helped a lot, as even if things didn’t work out sometimes with new partners, I always knew it was a work in progress and not the final version of me as a lover.
Making progress in my own time definitely helped too. I would recommend using a fleshlight because it’s closer to sex than a hand, and also just keeps you used to similar stimulation as sex. But even without, techniques like the stop and start can work well.
Really though, one of the main breakthroughs in dealing with the anxiety was changing my view of sex. I used to be all about a bit of foreplay and then on with the main event. Now I take my time, and got really bloody good at oral! I read as much as I could about it, practiced it, refined it and now my current partner doesn’t even care about the length of sex; she’s so happy with the oral, and the sex is more of just a feeling of togetherness than a means to an orgasmic end, so to speak. I also got lucky with a partner that likes a bit of light domination. Doing stuff like blindfolding and tying hands together opens up a whole world of being able to take your time pleasuring them without receiving anything in return. If you tease them enough, when it does come to sex, they will be so turned on, there won’t be a need for you to last for that fabled 10-20 minutes women need during intercourse!
So the takeaway – keep practicing the start and stop and other techniques like that, and expand your view of what happens during sex.
All the best
Reading this has motivated me to sort it out myself.
I believe mine was mostly caused by all the “hurried masturbation” I’ve been doing in my late teens, as I noticed when I was it my early teens it used to take me a long time with videos to manage to ejaculate, while now all I need is a minute or two in the bathroom.
Before sexual encounters, I’ve been resorting to excusing myself to the bathroom and having a rushed masturbation before anything heated begins (which makes it worse in the long run), as I’m able to reload in a few minutes. If I need a bit longer, I extend the foreplay for a few extra minutes, but that is quite rare and only happens if I’m really drunk.
I also worked on improving my skills of getting the woman off with mouth/fingers, before penetration, but girls are different and sometimes I can’t manage to do it before she gets bored and wants to move onto the penetration part. Sometimes she’s not willing to go for round 2 and I’m just sitting there utterly embarrassed.
Using the above methods as a crutch has helped me, along with the fact that most of my sexual encounters so far were heavily drunken hookups from nights out at University. However, now that I’m out of uni I have recently started looking for a more serious partner and see the potential problems when my encounters become less “drunk” where alcohol can give those extra few minutes
I’ve already started reading Matt Gorden’s book. It does seem really good so far and it does make sense. E.g: I did notice that being on the bottom and focusing on relaxing while letting the woman do all the work let me last significantly longer, compared to pounding away when I’m ontop. While on the topic of positions, I also noticed that doggy style position makes me finish in seconds for some reason. One girl kept requesting it as she said it felt by far the best, but I could never make myself last very long in that position. I’ve always wondered why, but I have no idea.
Anyway, Just wanted to say a big thank you and share my experience with someone, as I’ve kept this a deep secret from everyone. I’ve already started noticing results by not rushing the masturbation, and focusing on hitting a minimum time, which I’ve slowly been increasing. Hopefully in a few months time I won’t have to resort to masturbating ..beforehand
Thanks for sharing your experience, and I’m glad you found this site useful.
It sounds like you’ve discovered some of the key things that make a difference. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with masturbating before sex, or at least earlier in the day. It’s a commonly recommended trick, and can help a lot.
The positions thing is bang on. Doggy style, standing up, you on top etc are all worse for lasting times. I think it’s a combo. of the intense feeling and using more muscles in general. Relaxing is much better. If she’s really into doggy style, try spoons instead – I find you can give her the deeper sensation from behind she wants, but it’s easier to withhold yourself.
Try not to stress about not having alcohol to help you. When you have a steady partner, other things can work in your favor anyway, like getting used to them and being able to work together to find things that help you control yourself.
Matt’s book is really good, though the site is down right now and he doesn’t reply to emails any more. Still, the content is great and can help a lot.
All the best
Great information regarding premature ejaculation!. It may be hard to decide what
routines to start and which products to use to prevent if we have not
a proper knowledge about it.Thanks for the wonderful article, it may
be very helpful for everyone who is conscious about.
I’m glad you liked the article and think it’s helpful. There are lots of different treatments, so it’s not always obvious which to start with.
Hey nice article, this really helped
I’m happy to hear that!
I have a question about the start-stop technique. How often should I practice it? Right now I’ve been doing it for 2 nights in a row and then have 1 so-called rest day, then again for 2 in a row and 1 rest day again and so on. But after doing it for 2-3 weeks, it’s become more like a chore than just fun/something I’m looking forward to.
I totally get the chore concept, and had a similar problem when I first started doing it! There are no rules about how often to do it. Your schedule sounds fine to me, but you could do it more or less if you wanted. Not sure how to get round the whole not being fun thing – I guess my way was just to keep my mind on the goal, and see it as ‘training’ rather than fun…
Amazing I’ve been dealing with it since I was 16, I first had sex and didn’t even last 10 seconds. Me and my gf were both virgins and had sex continuously which wouldn’t last over a minute for 3 years. I know that affected our relationship when I found out she cheated on me. And the awkward silences if embarrassment after sex. We broke up and I tried with another girl but after so much foreplay I blew in my pants. You couldn’t imagine the disappointment when she asked me when am I gonna have sex with her and I told her to go home I’m not feeling good anymore. After that I stayed away from sex and even building relations with girls and I use to always be around them. I use to pick up girls all the time, be so confident, and now im full of anxiety over the years masturbation and lying to all my friends who looked up to me as the womanizer. Now I’m 22 haven’t had sex for 3 years.. I know I’m just as sensitive I just don’t know how to tackle the problem I’ve tried kegels and all that but maybe the consistency wasn’t enough? Idk it’s hard man but who am I telling lol
I feel your pain, believe me! I think if you haven’t had sex for a long time, and are single now, it would be a good idea to get a fake vagina to practice some different techniques with. You can try out a spray, condom etc and see if they help. Also try different techniques like the stop and start, which is a good one to practice with a sex toy. I don’t know what your attitude is towards those kind of toys, but in my experience, they are a great tool to practice getting used to the physical stimulation of sex. Kegels are ok, and can help for sure. But I wouldn’t rely on them alone, and as you say, you need to be consistent with practicing those, and other techniques.
Hi Ethan, I have suffered all my life with PE. At a young age, I would masturbate 5-6 times and I did it quickly not to get caught. I can assume that is the major reason why I have PE. It has been a major factor in my sex life or lack of one. It was one of the factors (not most significant) that led to my divorce. I just dealt with it and never tried to fixed my problems.
But I am now ready to dating again, and the only thing I can think about it my PE and how it affects my confidence. I am excited I found your website, but Should I hold off on dating and try your techniques first, to help me last longer and more importantly boost my confidence?
Thanks for your comment – it’s always good to know readers appreciate the website! Sorry to hear PE was a factor in getting divorced – that must have been tough on you. But it’s great you’ve decided to work on it now.
I can see why you’d want to hold off, but at the same time I think there are lots of things that can be done which help right away. They might not cure you outright, but are worth trying. I think it would be a shame to miss out on being with someone special if they come along. And to my mind, just knowing you’re working on it should help give you a confidence boost. Try to bear that in mind! So my advice would be to do three things – get back into dating, but don’t stress if the problem resurfaces. Try the techniques that help right away (see this article about lasting longer in bed for some easy ideas), and get to work on the long-term techniques.
Oh, and perhaps my best bit of advice – remember that oral sex is your best tool to make her happy and take the pressure off you!!
Best of luck!
Hi….. …Am a 28 year man…am a virgin…have never had sex…I have a girl whom we have stayed as partners for 8 months. ..all of us we are remaining faithful to each other….we are planning to marry at the start of January 2018…advice me on the steps to take when having sex with her…so that she is not embarrassed..please inbox me in my email…thanx in advance.
There’s no way to tell if you will have a problem like premature ejaculation!
The best advice I can give you is to do some reading about sex, and try not to stress about it.
All the best with the wedding!
I have found some answers here. My husband ejaculates within 10 seconds or less. He was in denial mode for years. He says, it happens because he doesn’t have any feelings for me. I felt rejected all the time.
Thanks for your comment, and I’m glad you found some answers. I can imagine how that must have made you feel. But it’s probably not the reason for his problem – it’s just his excuse for it. But the fact that he’s been saying that he doesn’t have feelings for you is itself worrying, as is you feeling rejected. It’s not my place to tell you what to do, but I’d have an honest talk with someone you trust about your relationship and your feelings in it.
People will lie and sucker you into believing they have the antidote by they don’t. If it was that easy everybody would know bout the cure and how to beat it? Why do you never see people who don’t have this problem try and help? The game is sold not told. It shouldn’t take no than a day to start seeing results but I give it a week and you should be fine seriously.
Thanks for your comment. I think you do see people trying to help who didn’t have the problem – urologists and doctors! But on the internet, sure, the people who are most interested in helping are those who’ve experienced it themselves or those who just think it’s a good topic to try and make money from – something that’s typical of the sex industry in general.
Would you like to share your technique for dealing with it? You mentioned in another comment that you have a way of dealing with it physically. I’d love to hear more about that, especially if you feel it can work in a day!
Two simple ways to end premature ejaculation. 1. Every time a man comes he makes sure his toes are pointed down forcefully, giving a good cramp in the lower leg muscles. Soon, a man won’t be able to come without the cramps. 2. If that fails, get the pens pump with the tension rings. Once full erection is obtained, push the tension ring/s on the base of the penis. No matter what happens he will maintain a hard erection until he removes the rubber tension rings. I think these two methods are never mentioned is because Sex therapists would lose money counseling and medicating men. Yes, contrary to nonsense advice of practicing for weeks with the pump before intercourse, is totally false. Intercourse can begin immediately.
Thanks for your interesting suggestions. Personally, I don’t like the first one at all. Why would you want to associate orgasm with that kind of pain?! And I have my doubts that it would work anyway.
Using a cock ring I think has more merit. If you can keep going after ejaculation, then great. But it also takes a bit of getting used to the sensitivity after ejaculation and some will power to keep going when you’ve just climaxed!
Premature ejaculation or PE is generally acknowledged as one highly feared sexual problem among men. It usually has far-reaching consequences, often affecting to a certain degree the relationship that a man has with his sexual partner.
That’s all very true, and the fact that it can cause relationship problems is a good motivation to deal with it!
Have any of you guys looked at your childhood relationship with your mother? Was she a fearful woman that sought to control and contain your vibrancy? To ‘box’ you in? It seems logical to me. I was 15 years with a guy that had these issues with his mother and premature ejaculation but negated to do the inner work that could lead to forgiveness and instead was advised by sex therapists to focus on techniques that required even more control of the woman, unsexy excersizes and being told “don’t move!” Death of spontenaity and passion.
Are you passive aggressive? Again it seems to me p.e. Is a classic example of hit and run, leaving the woman not only unsatisfied sexually but abandoned emotionally and physically as your spent member shrinks away. And the man sinking into disappointment, shame or anger, sadness, frustration. No longer present. Again the woman pays the price.
Our primary relationships play out in our intimate relationships. So ladies, work on your self worth and abandonment issues about your fathers and men work on your anger and control issues with your inner child about your mothers.
Meantime before you have sex with your beloved woman and you’re worried you may come to quickly, have a quick private masterbation session with your self and take the pressure off so she can be free to be her spontaneous goddess self before you cage her or clip her wings with this mind field.
Personally, no, I haven’t really though about any Freudian cause for PE. I just have a sensitive penis, which I don’t think is a result of psychological issues. Perhaps in some cases, their childhood might play a role in sexual issues in adult life, but not everyone.
However, your tip about masturbating before sex is spot on!
Hi, my husband and I have been affected by his PE. We have been married for 7 months and having sex less as he says he’s tired and he’s embarrassed of how long he lasts. He ranges from 30 seconds (possibly less) up to 2 mins. I’ve been researching online for solutions so I can help him. I’ve just downloaded the ebook and I hope this helps us because I don’t want this to affect our marriage. Thanks
Thanks for sharing your story. I can understand his embarrassment, having been there myself as you know from reading this article. It’s great that you’re looking for solutions, and I hope he’s open to trying some of them. Did you see the article here written specifically for women whose partner has PE? You might find that a useful read to. You can find it here.