How I Dealt With My Premature Ejaculation Problem

This is my story of coping with premature ejaculation, and why I did nothing about it for so long. If it’s a problem you also have, hopefully you’ll find it a useful motivator to deal with it, along with helpful advice about what you can do.

It might also provide some solace in knowing that you’re not the only guy who’s suffered the embarrassment and frustration that it brings.

Losing my virginity and confidence

Although not all guys develop premature ejaculation because of rushed masturbation, I’m fairly sure it was a major cause for me. Like many guys I would just do it as fast as possible to avoid being caught.

I also think I was just a bit unlucky when losing my virginity. I was a late starter by modern standards, losing it at 19, and it was with a friend of a friend I met in a nightclub.

After sharing some excited kisses in the club, we went back to my place in the early hours of the morning to continue the fun. By the time things really heated up, I was so excited from hours of close dancing, flirting and foreplay that I didn’t even make it to sex the first time we tried.

I’d never even heard of premature ejaculation, but I obviously realized it would have been good to last on the positive side of zero seconds.

I didn’t know it at the time, but my confidence in my sexual ability took a huge hit in that moment. Like most women, she kept any disappointment to herself and did a good job of making me feel like it was alright.

Unfortunately, the second time we tried wasn’t much better. And so it slowly dawned on me that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.

Just to make matters worse, I now know that I naturally have a physically sensitive penis. So in hindsight, I was probably always going to have problems with my stamina in bed, no matter how much anxiety might have also played a role following those first awkward moments.

The silence

Over the next few weeks I discovered the true extent of the problem; if I went 24 hours or longer without sex, I wouldn’t last more than a minute – if we were lucky.

If we had sex several times a day, I would get better each time, though rarely lasting longer than 5 minutes. And that depended on her being willing to wait for that better second, third or fourth time.

And since I didn’t know anything at the time about the concept of sex not being only about penetration and orgasm, over the months we gradually had sex less and less.

And the incredible thing is that we never once spoke about it.

To this day, the only thing that I still find a little embarrassing is that for the next few years I didn’t speak to any partner about it, nor did I do anything about it – not even when I was married.

Interestingly, no girlfriend ever tried hard to talk to me about it either, apart from my ex-wife sometimes jokingly insulting me when I came too soon.

Admittedly, we would sometimes talk about the fact that I often came too quickly, but never in the terms that it was a problem that needed fixing. In fact, what happened is that we also had sex less and less often, to the point of almost never.

The excuses

I selfishly managed to conjure up the excuse that it was precisely because we didn’t have sex very often that I couldn’t handle it on the times that we did. While technically true, the reality is that it’s not a chicken or the egg situation. It was my fault for not addressing it sooner.

It was only after I split up with my wife (my premature ejaculation wasn’t the reason!), that one day out of the blue I admitted to myself that I had a problem.

Admitting that it was problem came with mixed feelings. I felt bad that I hadn’t done anything about it sooner and more than a little bit embarrassed as I reflected on all the early finishes.

How many times had I left my ex-partners screaming in silence? How many friends had they complained about me to?

And at the same time, I was kind of excited by the idea of trying to fix the problem, wondering what kind of lover I might be if I could just deal with this one major issue.

First steps to dealing with it

For someone who spent years ignoring it, when I finally got round to dealing with my premature ejaculation, I became very dedicated – the fact that I started this website speaks for itself!

The hardest part was admitting it was a problem; everything else would simply be research and practical steps – or so I hoped.

After reading a few vague articles in men’s health websites, I discovered a self-help eBook called the Ejaculation Trainer.

Reading that book gave me two things: some hope and a lot of work to do. The key, apparently, to curing premature ejaculation was to practice the right techniques during masturbation and/or sex.

I found out though that it can take a while for these natural techniques to pay off fully. But in the meantime there were some tips I learned from the book which I could try out.

I tried putting together as many of the techniques as I could remember the next few times I had sex, and did see some improvements, but it was a bit hit or miss. Once or twice I found I could last a fair bit longer, but an equal number of times I only lasted a little longer.

(You can find out more about that book in my Ejaculation Trainer review)

Trying out desensitizing products

Since I suspected that I had a particularly sensitive penis, I thought it would be worth trying one of the desensitizing products that I kept reading about online.

I first tried different kinds of benzocaine and extra thick condoms, but found them a bit too uncomfortable to use. I also tried priligy, but it didn’t make enough of a difference for me to be willing to put up with the side effects.

I then tried several different desensitizing sprays and creams. Like the condoms, they were numbing me too much though, leaving me frustrated that nothing seemed to help much.

After a lot of trial and error I eventually discovered a delay spray called Promescent. This was the first time I found something which really worked.

It was still only a temporary measure, but seemed to be a very effective one that reliably helped me last longer every time (more about that in my Promescent review).

So now I had something which would help me to last around 10 minutes on average instead of just 1-5 minutes. It was time to really focus my attention on the natural techniques to see if I could cure the problem once and for all.

The natural techniques

When I started learning about the natural techniques I was single, so I had plenty of time to work through the book and understand what needed to be done.

I practiced the techniques in the book almost every day, slowly but surely learning to understand and control my arousal levels.

It was around 2 months that I had sex again, and finally had a chance to test the techniques for real. And the result was that my efforts had indeed helped.

The first time wasn’t a very reliable test because I was a bit drunk – probably a good reintroduction as alcohol does tend to help me! But when having sex the next day I still found I was able to last considerably longer than before.

The funny thing is that I’d come to the conclusion that talking about it would help reduce my anxiety. So when the woman I was with looked into my eyes and simply said ‘trust me, you don’t have a problem’, it was a pretty special moment.

Could I finally say that I no longer had a problem, and had beaten PE in just a couple of months?

The ongoing situation

What I’ve now come to realize is that for the natural techniques to work long-term – at least for me – I do need to stay conscious of them when I have sex.

If I get lazy and become complacent, my lasting time will slowly start to drop back down again. Especially if I’ve been single for a while and not continued working on the techniques on my own.

And if I abandon everything I’ve learned about arousal control, breathing, stopping when necessary and many other important techniques and just go for it, it’s amazing how much sooner I’ll finish during sex.

The other problem is that I’ve still got a sensitive penis, and maybe it always will be. I think because of that I still have difficulties in some circumstances – mainly when I’m with a new partner after being single for a while.

Having said that, I think most guys have trouble controlling the intense levels of arousal the first few times with someone new. So when you’ve been single for an extended period, I think it’s important to have realistic expectations of what you can do.

So in some ways, it’s probably good to have a desensitizing product as a back-up plan as well.

My advice for you

If you’ve just started looking into premature ejaculation treatment, the most important thing I think you can do is to stay focused on finding the right solution for you personally. And if you do decide to give the natural techniques a go, don’t give up too soon.

As with so many things in life, accepting that you have a problem is the hardest part. After that, it might be a case of trial and error, and probably some time investment unless you’re willing to keep paying for desensitizing products.

For someone who studied Psychology and was working in mental health, I still can’t believe it took me so many years to finally face such an obviously important problem. Don’t make the same mistake!

3 years later

I originally wrote this article in 2013, and 3 years later I’m happy to say that things are even better. I finally feel like I’ve developed a solid understanding of my arousal levels and have good control during sex.

I’m now able to control myself to the extent that I would no longer say I suffer from premature ejaculation; I can usually last at least 10 minutes, and sometimes much longer.

If I don’t use a condom and feel particularly aroused, my time can still drop back down. But I’ve now become more confident in taking control of my sex life, and do all the right things to keep my arousal in check.

So my advice to you is to get started learning how to control your arousal as soon as possible. It can be done, even if physical sensitivity is an issue.

4 years later

In recent months, I’ve been experimenting a lot with the concept of satisfying my partner in other ways when we make love. We both enjoy oral sex, and so I’ve been playing around with 3 different ideas – with a lot of success.

The first is to bring her to orgasm through oral before we even have sex. This takes all the pressure off me, satisfies her and ensures I’m still full of excitement during the whole experience.

The second is to take full control and tease her for a long time, starting and stopping oral sex repeatedly and teasing her whole body. She then tends to orgasm faster when I eventually move on to penetrative sex.

And the third is to have sex normally, and if she doesn’t orgasm, simply switch to oral sex to finish her off.

All 3 ideas have improved our love life a lot, and it’s good for both of us to have that variety. She never knows what my plan is exactly, and that helps keep things fresh too.

And in the meantime, my control just gets better and better. The combination of practice, confidence and still working on this website and so keeping up with the latest ideas about premature ejaculation are probably why.

You might also like

If you’re looking for help with premature ejaculation, you’ll find a wealth of articles, reviews and tips on this site.

I’ve written a lot about my experiences, and tests of different treatment options. So I particularly recommend reading my article about choosing a premature ejaculation treatment.

And if you’d like some more options of desensitizing products, have a look at my review of delay sprays.

Finally, if you’d like to try and tackle the problem naturally, a great way to do that is to try one of my recommended recommended sexual stamina guides.

116 Comments

  • Hello Ethan ,

    I wanna ask about the Ejaculation Trainer program because i found there was no customer support as you experienced from it, plz answer to my questions

    1) will they send any Audio program to home because their home page showing dvd picture
    or only online downloadable
    2) can i buy using debit card

    • Hi Rajaram
      Yes, unfortunately it seems the author has either sold the guide on to someone who doesn’t maintain it, or he just doesn’t reply himself any more. I’ve started updating the site to reflect this, but there are some holes (like this article).
      Anyway, to answer your Qs:
      1. I don’t know, but I don’t think so.
      2. That’s what I did, though it was a long time ago.
      A good alternative is called Ejaculation by Command – I’ve just updated my PE guides page to explain why.
      Ethan

  • Ethan,

    Thank you so much for you story. I am recently going through something very similar. I am 28 years old and have dealt with PE have had a very sensitive penis since I lost my virginity at 20. I believe part of it was the rush masturbation while I was in high school. But I have lost a lot of confidence and have insecurities in myself. I just recently went through a divorce like you did and although it wasn’t the biggest factor it did make my ex-wife not want to be intimate with me. She also told me multiple times how her ex-boyfriend was better in bed then I was. Her talking to him behind my back was part of the reason that led to our divorce but it has destroyed my confidence. How did you get your confidence back and feel more secure about yourself?

    I have known this is an issue for a while but now that I’m single I can really start focusing on it and improving. I have been doing the start stop technique, would you highly recommend getting the stamina training unit? I also get anxiety due to my PE how did you overcome any anxiety that you had?

    Thanks so much for posting this site it makes me feel better to know that I am not alone. I was so afraid I would never be able to improve and I would get hurt again the next time I am with somebody.

    • Hi Caleb
      You’re very welcome, it’s always encouraging to know people benefit from the site:-)
      Sorry to hear about your divorce and the problems you’re having with confidence now. It sounds like she was pretty mean to you in comparing you with the ex. That’s something to try and put out of your mind.
      To be honest, getting my confidence back didn’t happen overnight, and was a process I went through. The main thing that helped was just knowing that I was going to do my best to sort the problem out and become a ‘better’ lover in the future. Taking ownership of it helped a lot, as even if things didn’t work out sometimes with new partners, I always knew it was a work in progress and not the final version of me as a lover.
      Making progress in my own time definitely helped too. I would recommend using a fleshlight because it’s closer to sex than a hand, and also just keeps you used to similar stimulation as sex. But even without, techniques like the stop and start can work well.
      Really though, one of the main breakthroughs in dealing with the anxiety was changing my view of sex. I used to be all about a bit of foreplay and then on with the main event. Now I take my time, and got really bloody good at oral! I read as much as I could about it, practiced it, refined it and now my current partner doesn’t even care about the length of sex; she’s so happy with the oral, and the sex is more of just a feeling of togetherness than a means to an orgasmic end, so to speak. I also got lucky with a partner that likes a bit of light domination. Doing stuff like blindfolding and tying hands together opens up a whole world of being able to take your time pleasuring them without receiving anything in return. If you tease them enough, when it does come to sex, they will be so turned on, there won’t be a need for you to last for that fabled 10-20 minutes women need during intercourse!
      So the takeaway – keep practicing the start and stop and other techniques like that, and expand your view of what happens during sex.
      All the best
      Ethan

  • Hi Ethan,

    Reading this has motivated me to sort it out myself.

    I believe mine was mostly caused by all the “hurried masturbation” I’ve been doing in my late teens, as I noticed when I was it my early teens it used to take me a long time with videos to manage to ejaculate, while now all I need is a minute or two in the bathroom.

    Before sexual encounters, I’ve been resorting to excusing myself to the bathroom and having a rushed masturbation before anything heated begins (which makes it worse in the long run), as I’m able to reload in a few minutes. If I need a bit longer, I extend the foreplay for a few extra minutes, but that is quite rare and only happens if I’m really drunk.

    I also worked on improving my skills of getting the woman off with mouth/fingers, before penetration, but girls are different and sometimes I can’t manage to do it before she gets bored and wants to move onto the penetration part. Sometimes she’s not willing to go for round 2 and I’m just sitting there utterly embarrassed.

    Using the above methods as a crutch has helped me, along with the fact that most of my sexual encounters so far were heavily drunken hookups from nights out at University. However, now that I’m out of uni I have recently started looking for a more serious partner and see the potential problems when my encounters become less “drunk” where alcohol can give those extra few minutes

    I’ve already started reading Matt Gorden’s book. It does seem really good so far and it does make sense. E.g: I did notice that being on the bottom and focusing on relaxing while letting the woman do all the work let me last significantly longer, compared to pounding away when I’m ontop. While on the topic of positions, I also noticed that doggy style position makes me finish in seconds for some reason. One girl kept requesting it as she said it felt by far the best, but I could never make myself last very long in that position. I’ve always wondered why, but I have no idea.

    Anyway, Just wanted to say a big thank you and share my experience with someone, as I’ve kept this a deep secret from everyone. I’ve already started noticing results by not rushing the masturbation, and focusing on hitting a minimum time, which I’ve slowly been increasing. Hopefully in a few months time I won’t have to resort to masturbating ..beforehand

    Thanks :)

    -Simon

    • Hi Simon
      Thanks for sharing your experience, and I’m glad you found this site useful.
      It sounds like you’ve discovered some of the key things that make a difference. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with masturbating before sex, or at least earlier in the day. It’s a commonly recommended trick, and can help a lot.
      The positions thing is bang on. Doggy style, standing up, you on top etc are all worse for lasting times. I think it’s a combo. of the intense feeling and using more muscles in general. Relaxing is much better. If she’s really into doggy style, try spoons instead – I find you can give her the deeper sensation from behind she wants, but it’s easier to withhold yourself.
      Try not to stress about not having alcohol to help you. When you have a steady partner, other things can work in your favor anyway, like getting used to them and being able to work together to find things that help you control yourself.
      Matt’s book is really good, though the site is down right now and he doesn’t reply to emails any more. Still, the content is great and can help a lot.
      All the best
      Ethan

  • Great information regarding premature ejaculation!. It may be hard to decide what
    routines to start and which products to use to prevent if we have not
    a proper knowledge about it.Thanks for the wonderful article, it may
    be very helpful for everyone who is conscious about.

    • Hi there
      I’m glad you liked the article and think it’s helpful. There are lots of different treatments, so it’s not always obvious which to start with.
      Ethan

  • Hey!
    I have a question about the start-stop technique. How often should I practice it? Right now I’ve been doing it for 2 nights in a row and then have 1 so-called rest day, then again for 2 in a row and 1 rest day again and so on. But after doing it for 2-3 weeks, it’s become more like a chore than just fun/something I’m looking forward to.

    • Hi Rasmus
      I totally get the chore concept, and had a similar problem when I first started doing it! There are no rules about how often to do it. Your schedule sounds fine to me, but you could do it more or less if you wanted. Not sure how to get round the whole not being fun thing – I guess my way was just to keep my mind on the goal, and see it as ‘training’ rather than fun…
      Ethan

  • Amazing ive been dealing with it since I was 16, I first had sex and didnt even last 10 seconds. me and my gf were both virgins and had sex continuously which wouldnt last over a minute for 3 years. I know that effected our relationship when I found out she cheated on me. And the awkward silences if embarassment after sex. We broke up and I tried with another girl but after so much foreplay I blew in my pants. You couldnt imagine the dissapointment when she asked me when am I gonna fuck her and I told her to go home im not feeling good anymore.. After that I stayed away from sex and even building relations with girls and I use to always be around them.. I use to pick up girls all the time, be so confident, and now im full of anxiety over the years masterbation and lying to all my friends who looked up to me as the womenizer. Now im 22 havnt had sex for 3 years.. I know im just as sensitive I just dont know how to tackle the problem ive tried kegels and all that but maybe the consistency wasnt enough? Idk its hard man but shit who am i telling lol

    • Hi,
      I feel your pain, believe me! I think if you haven’t had sex for a long time, and are single now, it would be a good idea to get a fake vagina to practice some different techniques with. You can try out a spray, condom etc and see if they help. Also try different techniques like the stop and start, which is a good one to practice with a sex toy. I don’t know what your attitude is towards those kind of toys, but in my experience, they are a great tool to practice getting used to the physical stimulation of sex. Kegels are ok, and can help for sure. But I wouldn’t rely on them alone, and as you say, you need to be consistent with practicing those, and other techniques.
      Ethan

  • Hi Ethan, I have suffered all my life with PE. At a young age, I would masturbate 5-6 times and I did it quickly not to get caught. I can assume that is the major reason why I have PE. It has been a major factor in my sex life or lack of one. It was one of the factors (not most significant) that led to my divorce. I just dealt with it and never tried to fixed my problems.
    But I am now ready to dating again, and the only thing I can think about it my PE and how it affects my confidence. I am excited I found your website, but Should I hold off on dating and try your techniques first, to help me last longer and more importantly boost my confidence?

    • Hi Allen
      Thanks for your comment – it’s always good to know readers appreciate the website! Sorry to hear PE was a factor in getting divorced – that must have been tough on you. But it’s great you’ve decided to work on it now.
      I can see why you’d want to hold off, but at the same time I think there are lots of things that can be done which help right away. They might not cure you outright, but are worth trying. I think it would be a shame to miss out on being with someone special if they come along. And to my mind, just knowing you’re working on it should help give you a confidence boost. Try to bear that in mind! So my advice would be to do three things – get back into dating, but don’t stress if the problem resurfaces. Try the techniques that help right away (see this article about lasting longer in bed for some easy ideas), and get to work on the long-term techniques.
      Oh, and perhaps my best bit of advice – remember that oral sex is your best tool to make her happy and take the pressure off you!!
      Best of luck!
      Ethan

  • Hi….. …Am a 28 year man…am a virgin…have never had sex…I have a girl whom we have stayed as partners for 8 months. ..all of us we are remaining faithful to each other….we are planning to marry at the start of January 2018…advice me on the steps to take when having sex with her…so that she is not embarrassed..please inbox me in my email…thanx in advance.

    • Hi Reuben
      I don’t reply to comments in emails – I think it’s better to share the advice here so other readers can benefit from it. Can I ask, why did you leave a comment on this article? If you haven’t had sex before, there’s no way to tell if you will have a problem like premature ejaculation!
      The best advice I can give you is to do some reading about sex, and try not to stress about it. For example, Karen writes excellent and really useful sex advice articles. If you read all of those, you should have some great times with your partner!
      All the best with the wedding!
      Ethan

  • I have found some answers here. My husband ejaculates within 10 seconds or less. He was in denial mode for years. He says, it happens because he doesn’t have any feelings for me. I felt rejected all the time.

    • Hi Auri
      Thanks for your comment, and I’m glad you found some answers. I can imagine how that must have made you feel. But it’s probably not the reason for his problem – it’s just his excuse for it. But the fact that he’s been saying that he doesn’t have feelings for you is itself worrying, as is you feeling rejected. It’s not my place to tell you what to do, but I’d have an honest talk with someone you trust about your relationship and your feelings in it.
      Ethan

  • People will lie and sucker you into believing they have the antidote by they don’t. If it was that easy everybody would know bout the cure and how to beat it? Why do you never see people who don’t have this problem try and help? The game is sold not told. It shouldn’t take no than a day to start seeing results but I give it a week and you should be fine seriously.

    • Hi Briant
      Thanks for your comment. I think you do see people trying to help who didn’t have the problem – urologists and doctors! But on the internet, sure, the people who are most interested in helping are those who’ve experienced it themselves or those who just think it’s a good topic to try and make money from – something that’s typical of the sex industry in general.
      Would you like to share your technique for dealing with it? You mentioned in another comment that you have a way of dealing with it physically. I’d love to hear more about that, especially if you feel it can work in a day!
      Ethan

      • Two simple ways to end premature ejaculation. 1. Every time a man comes he makes sure his toes are pointed down forcefully, giving a good cramp in the lower leg muscles. Soon, a man won’t be able to come without the cramps. 2. If that fails, get the pens pump with the tension rings. Once full erection is obtained, push the tension ring/s on the base of the penis. No matter what happens he will maintain a hard erection until he removes the rubber tension rings. I think these two methods are never mentioned is because Sex therapists would lose money counseling and medicating men. Yes, contrary to nonsense advice of practicing for weeks with the pump before intercourse, is totally false. Intercourse can begin immediately.

        • Hi Bob
          Thanks for your interesting suggestions. Personally, I don’t like the first one at all. Why would you want to associate orgasm with that kind of pain?! And I have my doubts that it would work anyway.
          Using a cock ring I think has more merit. If you can keep going after ejaculation, then great. But it also takes a bit of getting used to the sensitivity after ejaculation and some will power to keep going when you’ve just climaxed!
          Ethan

  • Premature ejaculation or PE is generally acknowledged as one highly feared sexual problem among men. It usually has far-reaching consequences, often affecting to a certain degree the relationship that a man has with his sexual partner.

    • Hi Ravi
      That’s all very true, and the fact that it can cause relationship problems is a good motivation to deal with it!
      Ethan

  • Have any of you guys looked at your childhood relationship with your mother? Was she a fearful woman that sought to control and contain your vibrancy? To ‘box’ you in? It seems logical to me. I was 15 years with a guy that had these issues with his mother and premature ejaculation but negated to do the inner work that could lead to forgiveness and instead was advised by sex therapists to focus on techniques that required even more control of the woman, unsexy excersizes and being told “don’t move!” Death of spontenaity and passion.
    Are you passive aggressive? Again it seems to me p.e. Is a classic example of hit and run, leaving the woman not only unsatisfied sexually but abandoned emotionally and physically as your spent member shrinks away. And the man sinking into disappointment, shame or anger, sadness, frustration. No longer present. Again the woman pays the price.
    Our primary relationships play out in our intimate relationships. So ladies, work on your self worth and abandonment issues about your fathers and men work on your anger and control issues with your inner child about your mothers.
    Meantime before you have sex with your beloved woman and you’re worried you may come to quickly, have a quick private masterbation session with your self and take the pressure off so she can be free to be her spontaneous goddess self before you cage her or clip her wings with this mind field.

    • Hi there
      Personally, no, I haven’t really though about any Freudian cause for PE. I just have a sensitive penis, which I don’t think is a result of psychological issues. Perhaps in some cases, their childhood might play a role in sexual issues in adult life, but not everyone.
      However, your tip about masturbating before sex is spot on!
      Ethan

  • Hi, my husband and I have been affected by his PE. We have been married for 7 months and having sex less as he says he’s tired and he’s embarrassed of how long he lasts. He ranges from 30 seconds (possibly less) up to 2 mins. I’ve been researching online for solutions so I can help him. I’ve just downloaded the ebook and I hope this helps us because I don’t want this to affect our marriage. Thanks

    • Hi Winnie
      Thanks for sharing your story. I can understand his embarrassment, having been there myself as you know from reading this article. It’s great that you’re looking for solutions, and I hope he’s open to trying some of them. Did you see the article here written specifically for women whose partner has PE? You might find that a useful read to. You can find it here.
      Ethan

  • Great comments. I can add for anyone who feels they’ve wasted so much time in their lives that I’m 61 and just starting to work on it seriously. The last 10 years with a fairly highly sexed GF have taught me some things and my technique was usually to bring her to the brink before penetration. She’s very straightforward and I’m sure she wasn’t faking orgasm. Only now, do I realize that the physical part of our relationship was still lacking to her to some degree.
    So don’t fret about wasted time. Just move forward from where you are.

    • Hi John
      Thanks for the positive words! I think your technique of bringing her to the brink is an important one, and one that works well usually. But yes, if you can then find a way to also last for a longer time during sex, that’s also great.
      Ethan

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