Why it took so long to discover the pleasure, and unexpected benefits, of a little tie and tease, I’ll never know. Perhaps because 50 Shades of Grey wasn’t out when I was in my 20s!
I suspect that spending years dealing with premature ejaculation, and later erectile dysfunction, was the real reason. I literally didn’t have time for more adventurous sex.
I now realize I should have made time for it, especially as you don’t even need an erection or penetrative sex to pleasure your partner.
If I could talk to my younger self, I’d tell him to stop obsessing about erection strength, penetration, lasting time and ‘performance’.
Instead, I’d tell him to relax, go get some silk ties or handcuffs, massage oil and candles!
Let’s go back to my 20s for a moment. Like most guys who’ve had a fair number of partners, I discovered early on that many people find spanking a real turn on.
Some like it light and occasional; others like to feel the regular sting of a strong palm- and don’t seem to mind being left with worryingly red cheeks.
I was just never that into it though. It always felt either contrived or mildly abusive, so I generally only did it enough to not appear boring. It just wasn’t me – I was much more into silently passionate love making than being so dominant.
And of course, having difficulty lasting more than a few minutes during sex also meant I just didn’t really have time to explore all that stuff. My mind was firmly focused on somehow lasting longer than the previously embarrassing session.
Coming out of my sexual shell
After years of avoiding anything too adventurous, I eventually came out of my sexual shell – with help.
First of all, it’s important to note that I now last much longer than I used to, though sometimes it can still be over relatively quickly if I just go for it. My main problem these days is unpredictable erection problems.
Even though I have much better control than I used to, it’s still present enough on my mind that I remain on the constant lookout for new ways to develop that control – both for my sake and my readers.
So when I met someone who very clearly loves having some naughty fun, it gave me a great opportunity to explore the concept of expanding sex to not all be about penetration, ejaculation, and orgasm.
The gradual build-up
I won’t get into a day by day breakdown of how things developed, but I do want to point out that I didn’t just go from normal(ish) sex to being a kinky mastermind overnight. It was a gradual buildup.
We had a lot of sex for around 3 weeks since we lived so close to each other – several to many times a day on most days. The chemistry was amazing, which really helped, and my partner was full of confidence.
And the great thing was that she was confident about helping me be more confident. It was as if she subtly dominated me at first in order to guide me towards becoming the dominant one.
But at the same time, I think it was just the right catalyst for what was laying dormant for all those years to finally wake up. And so I quickly learned to take the lead during sex through spanking intensity, position choice and dictating the rhythm and flow.
Slowing things down with a simple tie
The first time I decided to move past spanking to tie my partner was a typically soft affair for me. My old self was still in there of course, so I wasn’t going to use anything like handcuffs, coarse ropes or my belt.
A nice, soft silk tie was much more fitting (and also what my partner later told me she prefers anyway).
I also didn’t feel like tying every limb to a corner of the bed – just a simple tie around the wrists stretched out above her head seemed like a good start to me. And another around the eyes as a blindfold for good measure.
With candles flickering in the gentle evening breeze coming through the window, some sexy soul music and a glass of wine in the body, I felt a paradoxical mix of calmness and excitement.
My partner lay on the bed, slowly moving her body and I guess waiting to see what I did next. And it was in that moment that I had my first eureka moment.
I could just relax, lavish attention on my partner and not worry about how my own body performed. And best of all, it could go on for ages.
Which it did.
The art of the tease
My instinctual idea was to play with my partner’s arousal level, repeatedly building her to a crescendo, but never quite reaching the high notes.
So I spent time just gently running my fingertips over her whole body. Then gently kissing her all over. Making her moan as I spent an impossibly long time teasing her with my tongue – getting agonizingly close to her nipples and between the legs, before going back to other parts of the body.
I whispering naughty things in her ear and occasionally spanked her – even more erotic since she couldn’t see it coming. I made her reach out to kiss my mouth, letting her know my mouth was close enough to kiss, but not permitting a kiss until I wanted her to.
Eventually, I moved on to oral sex, and once again kept breaking off to return to other parts of the body.
Over many minutes I slowly made it more intense, to the point that I could feel she might orgasm if I only kept going for a minute…but I didn’t.
I don’t recall how many times I brought her close to orgasm with my tongue that first time, but it was probably an unnecessarily large amount as I was enjoying it so much.
She was literally writhing on the bed with the sexual tension by the time I finally positioned myself on top to join the party.
And to my great surprise and delight, she came almost immediately.
Eureka part 2…
How it can help with erectile dysfunction
Time to skip ahead and explain a few concepts I’ve worked out over the months since that first passionate night of tie and tease.
Since this site has a heavy focus on helping guys deal with problems like PE and ED, I want to explain why this is such a great way to deal with both of those.
In terms of ED, for many – though not all – guys, it’s a question of relaxing and taking some pressure off. And this is a great way to do that. When you’re in control like this, you can focus on your partner until such time as you do get an erection.
You also have the opportunity to do things that you know help you get erect. If you need to play with yourself, you can do that with one hand while using the other, or your tongue to entertain your partner.
If you need oral, or for them to touch you, you can easily make that happen. And maybe you’ll discover something that just seems to get you going.
And if you don’t, then it doesn’t matter. If you want to, you can eventually bring your partner to climax through manual or oral sex.
And remember, this isn’t only about your partner’s pleasure. Sure, you’re in control, but it’s something for you to enjoy together. It’s about trust, a sexual energy and connection, and enjoying intimacy in new ways that don’t have to have the end goal of penetrative sex.
So relax and enjoy it. If you end up having penetrative sex, then great. If you don’t, it’s still great!
How it can help with premature ejaculation
In exactly the same way as above, this is about exploring other ways of being intimate together. So it’s no longer a case of being a linear event of foreplay – sex – quick ejaculation – disappointment.
By taking the focus away from penetration and your sexual stamina, you have a whole world of possibilities.
And when you do want to have sex following on from some kinky fun like this, you can still find ways to help you cope with the intensity and pressure to last for ages.
For starters, as my example above shows, your partner is likely to be very aroused after teasing them for so long, reducing the likelihood that you need to last for 10-20 minutes before they have an orgasm.
If you get too close to the point of no return, you can pull out and go back to teasing them some more. I guess it’s like a kinky version of the classic start and stop method.
My partner loves when we have sex and I stop to go back to oral for a while. She tells me it’s agonizing and begs me not to when I do it. But she soon gets into the oral each time and then welcomes me back happily when I finally relent and go back to sex.
And of course, if you have severe premature ejaculation, you can follow through with the tie and tease until your partner reaches climax. And do so again and again if you so choose.
It really does open up a whole new realm of possibilities if you take the time to explore it. And importantly, instead of fighting against it, time is something you’ll have on your side now.
Have you explored the idea of tie and tease before? Do you have any interesting ideas to share?
Leave a comment below with your thought and ideas!