It’s a frustrating feeling when your partner finishes quickly during sex and then just stops all sexual activity. It can be even worse if he tells you how great it was, just before rolling over and falling asleep.
Maybe you wish you could talk to him about it honestly, but you’re worried that he’ll take it badly. And nobody wants to hurt their partner’s self-confidence with criticism about their body or ‘performance’ in bed.
However, this kind of frustration can eat away at a relationship – both inside and outside the bedroom. So it’s a good idea to find a way to talk about it. After all, there are ways he can tackle the issue, either alone or with your help.
If you’re already talking about the problem together, you’ve probably taken the most important step. Most of the techniques for dealing with the problem require some level of communication, especially if you’re the one who has done the research and has some possible solutions.
If you’re reading this because it’s an issue you’ve never spoken about, it’s a different scenario. So at the end of the article, you’ll find some suggestions for approaching what can feel like a tricky conversation.
Techniques you can both try
1. Desensitizing sprays
Desensitizing sprays are especially useful for men who have premature ejaculation because of physical sensitivity.
They contain a numbing agent that will reduce his sensitivity, usually benzocaine or lidocaine. He just needs to apply it 5 to 10 minutes before sex, and it should take the edge off the stimulation he feels.
There are many different brands, so you might find my review of delay sprays helpful. The specific one I’ve had the most success with personally and recommend trying is Promescent, which you can find on Promescent.com.
It is one of the pricier delay sprays though, so if you’re on a tight budget, you could also consider Stud 100, which you can find on Amazon. Personally, I prefer Promescent because it absorbs better into the skin, but Stud 100 also numbs pretty well.
2. Develop ejaculation control naturally
There are some effective techniques you can practice when making love to help your partner learn to control his arousal levels.
It can take time to see good results, but it’s worth trying as it can save money in the long run and avoid medication. If you work together to improve his control, there’s the potential to stop the problem rather than always relying on desensitizing products.
A relatively easy technique to try is the start and stop method, which he can practice alone and/or with you.
There are other techniques, such as the squeeze technique and
3. Work through a self-help book together
If you’re interested in tackling premature ejaculation naturally through behavioral techniques, it can be useful to work through a self-help book.
Research into premature ejaculation has shown that men who used a self-help book improved their lasting time by several minutes, and that the effects continued months later.
You can either practice the techniques together during foreplay and
You can find them on online bookstores, including Amazon. There are also dedicated websites with self-help guides that can seem exaggerated but are packed with lots of useful tips and techniques.
Have a look at my recommended premature ejaculation guides for more about them.
4. Delay condoms
Delay condoms, like the sprays, also contain a numbing ingredient. They sometimes cause problems with maintaining an erection, but do work well for some men and are a simple solution.
If your partner doesn’t have a problem wearing condoms in general, they may help his level of control. They are also very easy to find, and sold in many pharmacies and most adult stores.
You can find out more about them in my desensitizing condoms article.
5. Thicker than normal condoms
Most condoms can help reduce the physical sensitivity, so even just wearing a normal condom could help his ejaculation control.
If you want to go one step further, ask him to try an extra thick condom – especially if you’re not keen on the benzocaine idea.
6. Medication
Doctors sometimes prescribe antidepressants for premature ejaculation, as they’ve proven to be quite effective in clinical trials.
The main issue is that he would need to take them every day. Antidepressants also come with side effects of their own. So it’s important to discuss medication options thoroughly with a doctor.
In many countries, you can now get Dapoxetine (see my Dapoxetine review). You only need to take this one on the days you actually have sex, but still carries the risk of some side effects.
7. Foreplay, and more of it
The idea is that you use foreplay to balance your arousal levels. Men sometimes reach higher states of arousal quicker than women. So it can help to focus more on your pleasure at the start, rather than rushing into oral for him or penetrative sex.
So when you eventually do have sex, he won’t need to last as long, since you’ll already be more aroused from all that foreplay.
8. Use oral sex to your advantage
This can work in two ways. He could bring you to orgasm through oral sex and manual stimulation first. Or as if with the foreplay concept, he can bring you close to climax, and then switch to sex.
Both techniques work well, ensuring you get plenty of stimulation and the pressure is taken off him to be a marathon man.
9. Choose your sex positions wisely
Some sex positions might make him ejaculate much faster. Others could help him last a little, or hopefully much, longer.
The best positions are those with you on
The idea is that it helps if a man can stay physically more relaxed, so any position that involves him tensing his core is less likely to help his ejaculation control.
10. Go for the second round
Your partner is more likely to last longer the second time around. So don’t allow your sex session to end just because he finishes once.
Keep on enjoying each other in other ways, and when he’s ready to go again, he’ll hopefully have an improved feeling of control of his arousal.
11. Use lubricant
If your partner feels too much physical pressure on his penis head during sex, it might make him come quicker. So if you’re not naturally well lubricated, buy a good quality lubricant to have at the ready.
And if he’s overly keen and rushing to penetrative sex, keep him at bay until you can feel you’re fully warmed up.
12. Remember to breathe
Breathing can play an important role. Remind him to slow down and take longer, deeper breaths if his breathing becomes fast and shallow.
On a wider note, try to help him keep relaxed during sex. If you feel him tensing up, relax him with some massaging movements or calming words.
13. Have sex more often
If you rarely have sex, he’s going to feel like a horny 20 year old when it finally happens, and all hope of solid control will be out the window.
And practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.
I know from personal experience that once a week sex tends to be over pretty quickly. With daily sex, or near daily, it always feel easier to control my arousal levels.
14. Set the right pace
If you go straight into 5th gear from the start, your partner might struggle to contain his arousal and excitement. So try to slow down, relax and enjoy a change in pace.
He might also find it helpful to sometimes stop doing deep strokes, and just do smaller ones until he calms down a little.
And if even that’s too much, he can withdraw completely and give you some oral until his arousal levels drop down enough.
15. Work on any sexual performance anxiety
If he feels anxious and stressed about pleasing you, both the physical and mental tension can affect his lasting time.
If he feels less pressure, and that you’re happy and enjoying your sex life together, it can help him keep control.
So even if he does come very quickly every time, making him feel that you still very much enjoy your intimate times together will help in the long run.
Communicating about premature ejaculation
How severe is his premature ejaculation?
It’s useful to understand that there are different levels to the problem. Here are a few different scenarios:
- He comes during
foreplay, before you even start having penetrative sex. - He ejaculates very soon during sex, for example within a minute or two.
- He lasts for a few minutes, perhaps the average time of 5-6 minutes for a man, but it’s still not long enough for you to have an orgasm.
- It’s a mix of all of the above at different times.
A modern definition of premature ejaculation is that he comes before either you or he would like to, regardless of how long the exact time is.
However, there’s a difference between a man who always comes within a minute, and one who lasts longer, but still not long enough for you to reach orgasm.
How can you talk to your boyfriend about premature ejaculation?
Complaining, teasing, or insulting him isn’t going to inspire him to take action. Neither is silence.
Only you really know your own relationship, your partner, and yourself. There are no magic words that will fit every situation.
But one thing is for sure: talking to him about the problem is the key to instigating change.
Why communication is important
First of all, let’s look at the reasons why communication is essential if you want your partner to improve his sexual stamina:
- He needs to be willing to try different techniques and/or treatments. If he doesn’t accept the situation, the problem might not go away on its own (though it can do if it’s a temporary problem).
- He might need to practice some techniques alone. Some methods for developing control need him to dedicate time to perfecting them.
- You can’t try some of the simpler solutions like numbing sprays without him being willing.
- Anxiety can play a role. And one of the best ways to reduce that is if he feels you’re working together to have better sex, with no judgment or pressure.
Picking the moment and having some ideas at the ready
If you already have a good level of communication, things should be easier. If you never talk about sex, now is the time to start, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Whatever the case, there may be no easy way of saying it that doesn’t hurt his feelings a little. But there are steps you can take to contain his embarrassment:
- Find a moment when you’re both relaxed and feeling connected.
- If you tell him you want to do something to help him last longer, have some ideas at the ready.
- Frame it as a fun thing to work on together. See it as a challenge to have an even better sex life.
- Be honest about how you feel, but also start by telling him how much you love, like, fancy, respect or care for him. And importantly, how much you enjoy being intimate with him. He may feel bad or relieved when you bring it up, but remember to make him feel that you want to be physical with him.
It’s up to you to work out how to talk to him, just remember to speak in a way that doesn’t come across as judgmental, blaming or critical.
It’s about making him feel wanted, and at the same time that you’re a team who can work together to have the best possible sex.
With some calm, loving words, you can reduce the chance of him feeling bad. And increase the chance he’ll both listen to you and agree to work on it with you.
Is it wrong to leave your partner because of premature ejaculation?
Since I first wrote this article, many women have said in the comments that they’ve thought about leaving their partner because of this problem.
Here’s my take on it, for what it’s worth.
First of all, you are entitled to leave your partner if that’s what you think is best for you. It’s as simple as that in my opinion.
However, I think it’s also worth giving them a chance to fix the problem, especially if it’s someone you care about. Sure, if you meet someone in a bar and they don’t do it for you emotionally or physically that night, then whatever. Move on and find someone who gives you what you need.
On the other hand, if you fall in love with someone and later discover they tend to finish quicker than you’d like during sex, or if it’s a new issue that your partner never had before (which does happen), then I personally think it’s good to give them a chance.
I don’t necessarily mean wait a year and see if it magically goes away. I mean talk to them about how you feel about your sex life, be honest (but kind) and see if they are the kind of person who cares enough and is open enough to find a solution.
Importantly, see what kind of reaction you get. Some embarrassment, shock, shame, grumpiness, or awkwardness might be a reasonable reaction that you can work with.
If he’s the kind of man who gets unreasonably angry with you because you brought it up, then it’s either one very unique sore point he has or part of a bigger problem.
How angry does he get about other things? How does he express or cope with his anger? Does he shout, insult you or simply ignore you disrespectfully? If so, I recommend confiding in someone you trust about your relationship and how you feel about it.
Then decide whether you’re thinking about leaving your partner purely because they don’t do it for you in bed, or because the way they approach the problem is just another example of the way they approach problems in your relationship.
Sorry to end with doom and gloom and drama, but I thought it was important to offer my thoughts on something I’ve read many times in the comments over the years. I’m not a therapist or marriage counsellor, but I believe we all have the right to be in a happy, safe, and positive relationship.
Your thoughts
Is this an issue for you? What have you tried, or are thinking about trying to deal with the issue? Feel free to share your experience in the comments below!
So me and my boyfriend have been together about 5 months. At the beginning of the relationship sex would last around 10 minutes and would be very intimate, rough, and completely satisfying. But after about 2 months he started cumming faster and faster. It’s getting to the point to where sometimes he cums just off of foreplay and I’m getting very frustrated. I love him so much and enjoy sex very much but it’s very aggravating when his “enjoyment” is filled but mine isn’t. We have tried going round 2 but he has to have awhile to be able to get back up and by then I’m just ready to go to bed. Most of the time when we do get to that second round he still only lasts a few seconds or a couple minutes, if I’m lucky. Please help!
Hi there
One possibility is that he might have found a way to both do what gets him off quickest, and stopped holding back as the need to impress you may have reduced. Or were there other things different to now? Did you drink alcohol more when you first got together on dates, for example? Have you found new techniques that you didn’t do at the start?
I think the best thing is to just talk openly to him…and if nothing else, get him to use his tongue!
Ethan
Recently went off Birth Control with my Husband of 3 years, ever since he’s had an issue with premature ejaculation, usually losing control after only a few seconds. Any Advice? I hope it’s not a permanent thing now, I know he finds the thought of impregnating me very hot, but it’s frustrating for me now not getting off. I’ve mentioned it to him and ask him to hold back every time to no avail. Help?
Hi Claire
Are you trying to conceive though? You might be absolutely right in that he’s going down that route, and maybe his natural drive is taking over the usual thought of prolonged enjoyable sex!
Ethan
Although i do find it hot sometimes, i feel like i have myself to blame for my husband’s situation. He always had stamina, being able to go at it for a good 10 minutes plus, which is great sometimes. Its also fun to just have a quickie sometimes, I would get him extra worked up to try and make it quick sometimes. Make him wait a few days before doing it, ask for a quickie or give him a really great tease BJ before penetration. It’s a really great feeling knowing you’re powerful enough to make your man explode in 30 seconds and i loved it and sometimes still do, until it became more and more frequent. These days it almost always ends in premature ejaculation around the 10-30 second mark, I go into sex begging, last night just before sex i said something along the lines of “Don’t cum yet, Try really hard this time, ok? I’d really like to cum tonight, for a change” yet somehow i feel like it maybe turns him on to the point where he just uncontrollably ejaculates? i know i sometimes would ask for quickies but haven’t in a while, it was 10 seconds at best last night… Again i do find it hot and sometimes its nice, and it makes me feel good knowing how “good i feel” for him, but would be great to get 10 minutes every once in a while. Somehow i feel like i accidentally trained him to be this way and every time i mention it, it gets worse to the point where there have been a few instances where he can’t even get inside me before ejaculating.
Hi there
Thanks for sharing your experience. It could be a case of training, but could be totally coincidental – it’s hard to say really. Do you usually end things when he ejaculates? Perhaps it would be better to not let that be the end point. Get him to use his tongue, fingers or toys to continue. And maybe when he’s ready for round two, it will be better. I’d also say having as much sex as possible will help – daily at least.
Ethan
We try and have sex daily when our schedules permit, and usually i do have him go down on me after and or use toys which is always great, Round two can be difficult as his period in between sessions can be on the longer side, “several hours” also its harder to fit in two sessions hours a part on the regular. I’ve also started making him wear rubbers which, for some reason haven’t really worked, a fair share of times he started to spurt as rolling on the condom and psyching him up with words of encouragement. I don’t know how he’s gone from 10+ minutes to seconds, i just can’t help but feel its a fetish and by wanting quickies before I’ve trained him to let go extremely quick and now he can’t help it and i think likes it. Help appreciated, if there is a way to reverse his thinking if thats what it is…
Hi there
Have you tried looking into tantric sex? Maybe doing the total reverse of the quickie for a while could help a little?
Ethan
Well I personally find it extremely hot! I really like it a lot of times when I make my man pop straight away. Makes me feel powerful and sexy. Sometimes I’ll tease him about it (not in a mean way) and I think it turns him on even more and will make him lose it. Sometimes I even make a game of it if I want a quickie and see how quick I can finish him. I’ll say things like “wow last time you had already finished by now 10 seconds in” just little teases. I win every time (: let’s hear some positivity here. Any other girls share my view?
Hi Vivian!
Brilliant! It’s been a while since someone left a comment like yours. I think you’re right in that it’s not always a bad thing, and can make you feel very sexy. I guess it’s about changing perspective – it’s not that he can’t last, it’s that you’re just so good, you make it happen.
I’m basically frustrated I feel like cheating, every time I get horny and we make love he comes under a minute. I don’t enjoy sex anymore and he’s not even ready to listen. He doesn’t even care.
Hi Georgina
Sorry to hear that. You deserve to have a good love life, and at the very least a man who will listen to you. I would suggest telling him that it’s a serious issue for you, and that he needs to listen to you and talk to you. If that’s a problem generally in your relationship, it needs to be addressed before you can expect your sex life to improve.
I’m 400000% with you!!! I can’t take this anymore!
I feel the same way idk what to do
I’ve been with my husband for 8 years now. And we are still dealing with this problem. We’ve tried everything. I hate that something that should be so natural and passionate requires so much work. I hate the stopping and going it’s annoying and ruins the experience for me. We’ve also tried oral or manual foreplay but it’s not enough for me to orgasm from foreplay. I want the D. He’s the only person I’ve ever had sex with so it’s very disappointing. And honestly I’m starting to hate sex.
Hi there
I understand, and you’re right – it’s a shame that sex can be frustrating. The good thing is that it sounds like he’s willing to work on it. Many men refuse to do anything about it and get annoyed or upset if you bring it up. So at least there’s hope there.
I’ve had sex with 7 guys and 6 of them have come within the first minute, every time we’ve had sex. Not sure what’s going on or if I’m doing something wrong. They have all commented that I’m really tight down there and that’s why they came so quickly but I don’t know what to believe. Their theory doesn’t make much sense because the guy that didn’t come right away was the biggest down there of all of them). You would think that I’d be the tightest to him since he was hung like an elephant, but he held out the longest. I was actually the one that came early in that situation. Haha oops (got a little messy). But he was the only guy I’ve been able to come with from sex. Which kind of sucks because he turned out to be horrible and had sex with like three of my best friends. I’m dating a different guy now that I really like and he has the same problem of cumming fast but we’ve been taking some advice and he has been pulling out whenever he feels it coming on. Only problem is that it’s hard for me to get a rhythm going because he keeps pulling out every few seconds after the first minute. And when I tell him to keep it in and keep going he’ll come almost instantly inside of me. I can’t even begin to start down the road of having an orgasm. Oh well, thank God for oral tho. Haha
Hi Kristina
If they all said it, then there’s a good chance there’s some truth to it. In which case, I recommend making sure you spend tons of time on foreplay with your new guy, get him to give you manual and/or oral before intercourse, and use plenty of lube. Those are all good things for men to do if they have PE anyway, and of course, fun for you…
The issue of pulling out all the time sounds like there’s something wrong in the technique. Once he reaches the point of no return, it’s likely he will need to rest constantly. The idea is to not get right to that point and then try to manage the crisis. It’s better to go slow and stop before the point of near orgasm, change positions etc. Have a read of other articles on this site too as you’ll find lots of useful advice you can both use.
Wow, after reading this article all I could think is how pathetic it is that the male ego is so fragile, that women have to find the right time and place and yada yada to have this talk… That men are so thick headed that they haven’t figured out themselves that one minute of sex is inadequate. These men should be researching and solving the problem on their own and should be the one initiating the conversation with their girlfriend, not having their girlfriend research it and then tip toe around the subject on eggshells… Real winners.
Ladies, there are plenty of men out there with great stamina and staying power, so my advice is that if you love sex and want it for longer than 5 minutes, find someone else… There are women who dislike sex and will be completely happy with your two pump chump. It sounds like using the techniques in this article might increase his stamina from 1-2 minutes up to 3-5 minutes… Is that really what you want? Only two minutes longer? No, you want someone who can last 10-20 minutes (or even hours) and those men are out there! You will spend your entire relationship unsatisfied sexually and life is too short for that. I speak from experience. A two minute man will never turn into a two hour man, even with practice and thick condoms. I know it sounds harsh, but cut your loses and move on. If you don’t you will always feel that you are sacrificing or giving up something you love (and deserve) for the sake of your relationship, which isn’t fair to either party.
If I am wrong and you know someone in real life who has increased their stamina from 2 minutes to 2 hours, please let me know how. Thanks!
Hi there
I’m sure there will be some women who read your comment and are grateful for the brutal honesty of your opinion! I also think it’s your choice to leave a man who doesn’t do it for you in bed, and who doesn’t try to improve, if that’s what happens.
However, there are also many women who genuinely don’t want to leave their partner because of this issue, and who prefer to be tactful rather than shove his ‘failure’ in his face.
You’re wrong about men only lasting a couple of minutes longer with the techniques in the article. Men can last much longer, especially as sometimes there’s a specific problem causing it which can be fixed, or just a lack of knowledge that needs some improving, allowing them to go back to a healthy sex life.
This was soooo refreshing. Nice work, amazing honesty!
I need you as a friend in real life this was the real answer I needed to see like it takes me the first 10 to 20 mins to even ease up, get aroused and be into it. But I keep thinking maybe I should move on but I really love this man!!! Been sexually unsatisfied for 6 years – he’s big to,o like 8 to 10 inches. I always have hope it starts off really good as soon as I start enjoying myself and it shows like I mean too loud or something I’ll say keep going and bam he comes! Like wtf?
I love my wife so much and we stay together and I want to please her. I come quick sometimes, well a lot. As soon as I put it in. She says its OK and she loves me but I just want to go longer and know I’m pleasing her from my point of view
Hi David
The tips in this article should help you. But there’s lots of advice on this site if you explore it. and go from there.
Hello,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We have had our ups and downs so when we really settled down the sex was amazing and passionate but now it feels like he is not pulling his weight in the bedroom. In past relationships, I was always the instigator when it came to sex but with him, I like it when he starts it. In one of our recent conversations he brought up to me that he doesn’t like starting it because it make him feel like I’m not attracted to him when whole time I’m horny waiting for him to make that move but I understand where he coming from but lately it’s just been frustrating I been making that move and get him hard and do oral and he cum or when we have sex it last 5 minutes and I just be disappointed I put in all this work and it over that quick. Lately i just been going into the bathroom after and making myself come so I’m like what’s the point of me having sex if I’m not satisfied. I don’t want us to fall off but Since we been together he has only done oral one time and it’s not that big of a deal but I would like it every so often at least twice a week. I know I always please him but as for me no I like oral, kissing, different positions/places and the biggest one is make me orgasm before him just by using his hand and the sex would feel so much better for both of us but how do I bring it up and not looking like since he brought up an issue I wasn’t doing and come back at him with my problems. His birthday is next week so ima try to throw a couple of hints people have told me to get him cock rings to help his not cum as fast thought it was something simple, fun and get him thinking he need to try new things
Hi Sia
I can understand your frustration. I think there are several issues here – he’s not fulfilling your desire/fantasy about taking the lead. He’s not doing things you like, such as oral and other positions. And he comes too quickly, leaving you unsatisfied. So really, there’s a lot going on for you there. And I think the only way to deal with that is with good, honest, non-judgmental communication. You need to find a time and a place when you’re both feeling intimate, calm and close. Then start with some positives – tell him how much you enjoy his company, love him or like him, find him attractive, enjoy being intimate. And there are things you’d like to do more of because you enjoy it so much. Start slow and see how he reacts, but the key is to mix positive with suggestions and desires.
You could definitely buy him a cock ring – it’s a fun toy to try. But it might not help that much with his lasting time – if anything, they help more with keeping a harder erection. But you’re right in that it opens the door to trying new things, which is a positive!
Hi there, thank you for being so willing to respond to comments.
My sexual partner was a virgin before me, and we had sex for the first time three months ago (I had one previous sexual partner). We usually only have sex once or twice a week because our schedules are both a little hectic with work and university. He is so willing to put in effort when it comes to foreplay and making me orgasm through foreplay, but the actual act of sex (which I enjoy more than anything!) is less than a minute. He doesn’t seem to think it’s a problem because he makes the effort to make me orgasm through manual stimulation, but I feel that the act of sex should be the main event… not foreplay. I’m really not satisfied with our sex life and I feel like I’m being selfish because he does make me orgasm, just not through sex which is what I really want. I don’t know how to tell him that I’m not satisfied with how long he lasts when we’re having sex. I kept thinking that maybe he’s still unaccustomed to sex because he was a virgin previously, but it’s been three months and he still cums in under a minute. How do you think I should approach this without bruising his ego?
Hi there
I totally understand your concern – it’s not an easy one!
I think the key is to be positive about the things you love doing together. And then go on to say how you love sex so much with him, and it feels so great, that you want to do more of it. Hopefully, that can lead to a conversation about things you can do together to make it last longer. Then you can suggest some of the ideas in the article.
3 months isn’t that long, and it can take a guy much longer to really get used to sex with his partner so he naturally starts to last much longer without even putting any effort it – especially if you only have sex a couple of times a week. He’s probably super excited when it happens, that it’s very difficult for him to hold back, even if he’s trying to. Even a guy with good control will struggle more if he only has it once a week. So, it might help if you can find a way to have it more often. And if not, when you do see each other, take the lead and have sex more than once in that day – try for 3,4,5 times and you’ll probably find he lasts much longer each time.
On another note, there is an argument that sex is everything combined, not just intercourse. And although it’s understandable that you’d want intercourse for longer than a minute, if you do enjoy the entire event, and you really like him, then that’s a good base to work on. 3 months isn’t that long really, so maybe be patient, talk to him, try my suggestions and give him more time:-)
Hope that helps a little!
Thanks for the great advice! Really appreciate the suggestions, and hope they can help me and my partner. C
Hi Claire
You’re very welcome!
I’ve been with my boyfriend for more then a year now. We love each other. At the beginning sex was incredible. But now I feel like I’m the only one who thinks about sex. We maybe have sex once a week, maybe. Sometimes I would ask him if he wants to do it and he often tells me that he’s too tired or its to late in the night. And when we do it, usually it’s me on top and he would cum in not even 2 mins.. I’m really frustrated, I don’t have orgasm…I try to have some foreplay and everytime he doesn’t start it, I’m the one who does the first move and even then he doesn’t touch me at all. I have to grab his hand and bring them on my lower back. Then we would have some for play for like 3 mins… And back to that 2 mins sex again… I don’t know what to do..
Hi Jade
Sorry to hear this. If it’s gotten to this point in just a year, something really doesn’t feel right. I think you need to have a proper talk with him to find out what’s changed. Maybe he is genuinely tired a lot, in which case you could try to agree to have more morning sex rather than wait till the night. But I think you need to find out what’s going on in his head, and that requires letting him know, nicely but seriously, that you’re not happy with the current situation.
I was in a relationship for several years and almost every time we had simultaneous orgasms and he was the first person I enjoyed sex with. Now I’m with my boyfriend of 6 months and I think I’ve only orgasmed twice? I don’t know what to do because I know it’s hard for me to orgasm but I also know how easy it had been in the past. How do I even approach the topic with him? I don’t want to offend him, especially because I feel like he has some insecurities because my ex was a tall lumberjack kind of guy and my current bf isn’t.
Hi there
Men who measure themselves against their partner’s ex can be difficult to talk to without that playing a part in some situations. You say you find it difficult to orgasm, but in the past had simultaneous orgasms a lot. So presumably you know what it takes for it to happen. Is it not happening now just because of him finishing too quickly, or are there other things he is or isn’t doing that’s preventing you from getting there? Whatever the case, the key is going to be communication. As I said in the article, the best thing is to try and make it a positive conversation, making sure he knows how much you’re into him, how you want more sex with him because you like him so much, and so ‘let’s try these things’ to make it even better. Work with him, get him onside and don’t turn it into a criticism or battle – if you can!
I’m really worried about my relationship, when it comes to sex my fiancee ejaculates fast before I climax or he doesn’t climax at all. he takes only 10 minutes – I am worried.
Hi Letago
10 minutes is a good amount of time statistically speaking. The problem is that it’s not enough time for you to climax though. Have you spoken to him about doing other things, like longer foreplay, oral sex and manual stimulation etc? And on the times he doesn’t climax, does he just stop, or do you manage to climax those times?
Hi thank you so much for this article. I have had issues with my bf since the beginning and am growing desperate. We haven’t spoken much about it, as to be honest I didn’t really know if there was much that could be done because his problem is so severe. But after reading this, I am defo going to talk to him!
Hi Ruthie
You’re welcome! Do talk to him – there’s lots you can do to tackle the issue, but it does require both of you to work on it together.
Good luck!
Thank you for sharing these ideas. My bf always finishes way before me and it’s driving me crazy. i hope he’s willing to try some of these ideas.
Hi Tina
You can only try. If he’s willing to work with you on some of these ideas, then there’s no reason you shouldn’t see some change.
Ethan
This is really embarrassing after last night..i am 29yr old and I can’t even last 2mins despite using Vega pills..my girlfriend is on the verge of leaving me because of this..please what seem to be wrong with me or is it because I masturbate? please help me
Hi Mark
First off, Vega pills are meant for erection problems, not premature ejaculation. Sure, sometimes they help some guys with that issue as well, but not always.
Second, it’s probably not because you masturbate. Your personal masturbation time is a great opportunity to learn to control yourself better.
I’d also suggest that if your partner is on the verge of leaving you, talk to her and tell her you want to try some new ideas and techniques in bed.
Ethan
I started dating a guy recently and he’s amazing in every way! The only issue that I’m facing right now, is that he seems to have a difficult time getting hard and then when he does, he ejaculates almost as soon as he puts it in and then struggles to get it up again, so that I can try and orgasm.
He’s open to talking, and he’s open to working on it, which is one of the reasons I think he’s so amazing!
Before him and I met, he was single for about 11 years. I’m not really sure of his dating habits, but from what I gather, he didn’t do much of it (too busy with getting his degree, education was just way more important). This sounds a little mean or harsh when I say it out loud, but part of me wonders if he gets so excited, because I think In the looks department, I’m (according to societal standards) very much out of his league.
Do you have any suggestions of what could help? I keep seeing to have him take care of himself more often, but is it possible that doing it too much can cause him to lose stamina?
He’s open to suggestions and normally, I wouldn’t even deal with this with a guy, but I really feel differently about this one and want so badly to make it work.
Thank you!!
Hi Nesloma
Well, the main thing is that he’s open to talking about it, which is fantastic. That means that with a bit of trial and error, it shouldn’t be too difficult to find something that helps.
Having erection problems followed by premature ejaculation is quite common, and kind of makes sense in an annoying way. Often when a guy struggles to get it up, he tries to flex the pelvic floor muscles to pump blood in. However, those same pumping muscles also lead to ejaculation. So it’s like the solution to one problem is the direct cause of the second problem. Perhaps tell him that for starters! If he’s pumping/flexing/contracting the muscles as the base of his penis, it’s great for getting an erection, but terrible for controlling the ejaculation.
Instead, it’s better to try and relax and wait for the erection to come naturally, or find another way to help with the erection problem that doesn’t involve pumping. You can help with that by taking the pressure off him to get an erection in the first place. And that means changing the focus of sex from being all about penetration and being about the whole experience – enjoy lots of foreplay, manual and oral together over a longer period of time. Then he might just get an erection naturally at some random point. And if he doesn’t don’t make him feel bad about it – just enjoy the other stuff together.
If he continues having problems with his lasting time, well just have a good look around this site – there are tons of ideas here. However, I’d avoid condoms or sprays as they can result in erection problems too.
Hope that helps!
Ethan
I love my boyfriend, I really do. When we met we were strictly “fun” and he could make me cum sometimes if I moved my legs into the right position. Sex usually lasts less than a minute, 3-5 if I’m lucky but that’s been months. He knows about his problem, he knows I don’t cum most of the time, and he cares enough to apologize and show it makes him sad but not enough to try new things.
We are constantly having sex missionary, him lying directly on top of me, he won’t change it. On the rare occasion I get doggy he still is lying on my back, it’s missionary from behind basically.
When I ride which is a total of 3 times in our 8 month relationship, he will last about 2 minutes and like the others, he tries to get me to lay on top.
He can finger me for about 30 seconds and will give me oral even less. He’s so inexperienced compared to me that when I mention changing it up or things that I would like to help improve our sex life he immediately starts self deprecating. Oh I’ll never compare to your old sex buddies or doms, your past boyfriends were better and bigger.
I just want him to at least show he tries but I am at a loss. If he won’t talk or try anything new what am I to do? I actually stopped having sex, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I explained why one night and he felt so awful, genuinely hurt. I’m about to do it again simply because at this point I feel like a hole to stick it in. Not his partner or girlfriend, just a convenient wet place.
Is there another way to approach this? Am I missing something or just completely dim? Help me save my relationship, please!
Hi Michelle
It’s hard to know what’s going on in his mind exactly, but it doesn’t seem like you’ve done anything wrong in trying to talk to him honestly about it.
It’s one thing to feel bad about a problem, but another to man up and do something about it. Maybe the self-depreciating is just his defense mechanism, which could be a mix of both genuinely feeling bad about it and for whatever reason being unwilling to try other things.
It’s unfortunate that he won’t put the effort into more foreplay or be willing to go along with your suggestions, and in some ways feels a bit lazy to me. Perhaps though it also makes him feel less of a man if he relinquishes control to you in bed.
I think it’s important to talk to him again and tell him how you feel. Perhaps he needs a stronger wake up call that it’s affecting your relationship. Maybe you can try the classic technique of first telling him all the stuff you love about him, praising the good things and complimenting him on the physical things that he does well – even if you have to exaggerate them a bit – and then tackle the criticism.
Ethan
Omg the missionary on the back!! That is the worst but hey i also have a boyfriend who i always tell him that he ejaculates too quickly ive asked him about it and he says he does not know the cause imagine he only puts it inside like once then boom he has cum 1 minute or even less…i told him to go to the mens clinic because im not having it
How do I make my bf last longer? He cums fast in the positions that supposly are suppose to make him last long such as doggy style and me on top. He cums within minutes usually. The only position we can work with is missionary. He doesn’t like to give me oral. I don’t know what to do
Hi Amanda
Actually doggy style is one of the worst positions for him to last longer! And even if you’re on top, you might need to adjust the movement – for example grind more than go up and down.
I recommend having a look at my most recent article about sex positions for longer sex, and also try to put into practice the many other tips in this article.
Ethan
My boyfriend and I have been together about a year and a half. When we started dating our sex was crazy, mind blowing even! We’ve moved in together and things are great between us, I really think he’s the one I’ll end up getting married too. Over the past few months our sex life has become kind of lame. As soon as he puts it in he cums a couple strokes after that. We’ve tried different positions and some help but it’s never more than 5 minutes. He tries to keep going after he cums and sometimes he’ll stay hard enough to last a few minutes more and other times he won’t. I’m starting to get really frustrated because I’d like to stop faking my orgasms and get back to the great sex we were having when we met. What could have made the sex change so drastically and how can we get back to that?
Hi Jolie
That’s a tough question to give you a clear answer to I’m afraid. There could be lots of reasons. Has anything changed in the way you have sex as time’s gone by? Do you have sex less frequently now? Do you have longer foreplay when you do? Was alcohol involved before, condoms or other things that can dull the sensitivity? Do you think maybe he can’t masturbate while you live together, so is more charged when you have sex? Does he seem to put less effort in than before, or do you go harder and faster than you used to?
These are some questions to ask, all of which could play a role…and it’s not limited to just these!
Ethan
Hi. I’ve been with my bf for 6 years and he always cums in like a minute. He’s really sensitive about it so anytime I bring it up he’s always like I’m such a useless let down I know you’ll leave me one day and it honestly makes me mad because I’m just trying to work on it but he makes it impossible to talk about it with! I suggested slowing down and he says it’s annoying and doesn’t work. Great.
Hi there
It sounds like a fairly standard response, and he’s maybe playing the ‘poor me’ card as a self-defense mechanism. Either that, or he is actually genuinely worried you’ll leave him on day.
Maybe when he says it’s annoying, what he really means is that he just doesn’t know how to stop himself, and is a bit lost. Alternatively, it’s a bit selfish of him to refuse to slow down. I’m sure it’s annoying for you when he finishes so quickly! Perhaps you could tell him you’ve found a product that might help, and get a delay spray or even a desensitizing condom that you can find in many shops – if you don’t think he’ll be annoyed by that. Or send him a link to one of my articles to read – he might show annoyance, but I bet he’ll read it if he thinks the site is worthwhile checking out.
Ethan
Hi wonder if there’s any advice still going. Been with my bf for 3 years now and he always ejaculates within a minute and blames it in poor stamina… we have good foreplay etc so it’s not always bad. I love him and would love to help him but today i found a fake vagina (male stroker) in his bedroom drawer and it’s definitely been used. Is this why he only lasting so long. I fear after doing research on it it’s tighter etc. We have 2 kids I’m scared he has went to this because there’s something wrong with me when all along I thought he was the problem
Hi Loo
Definitely – I never close any of the comments here!
First up, I personally wouldn’t be too upset he’s got a stroker. Many guys do, and even the ones that don’t probably masturbate even if they have a partner!
Depending on why he has it, it could actually be a positive sign. Let me explain. If he knows he has problems lasting during sex, he may have started looking online for ways to deal with it. And if so, there’s a good chance he will have found sites like this one, in which I advise guys to get a stroker to practice stamina control techniques when alone.
So if that’s the case, it means he’s trying to do something about it. Premature ejaculation can be a really embarrasing problem for guys, so it’s possible he just didn’t want to tell you about his attempts to improve it, especially if he feels awkward about the stroker.
Another point to mention is that it shouldn’t be responsible for making him ejaculate quicker in principle. If he’s using it regularly, then it should help him last longer with you.
Now, of course there’s the possibility that he just likes those things, in the same way many women have vibrators or dildos from before they meet their partner and continue to have one hidden away. Just because someone gets a new partner doesn’t mean they have to throw away all their solo sex toys!
So my advice is not to get upset by this and not see it in a bad way. Instead, focus on the real problem, which is your sex life together. If you choose to tell him you found his toy is up to you, but if you do, I recommend doing it in a light-hearted way or you might find he closes down about it.
The best thing to help him, if that’s what you want to do, is talk nicely and openly about your sex life. You can propose ideas, such as those in the article. Try to get into team mode and work on the problem together. Only together can you defeat the problem, unless of course he’s doing all the right things and using that stroker to develop his stamina in private. And in my opinion, if he is, that’s fantastic as you’ll benefit from the results.
Ethan
I just need someone to talk to. Me and my boyfriend have lots of sex. We have sex mainly because we both want it, but at times I ask myself why am I screwing you if you can’t even make me cum… He doesn’t do oral and he’s not into a woman’s body mentally… He doesn’t know or maybe doesn’t want to spend time focusing on pleasing me. It seems as if sex is just for him. When I don’t have sex with him he complains and I don’t want him running to other women for it…but what about when I want it? I know he’d go screw other women if I wasn’t making him cum every time we had sex. I haven’t experienced 4 play with him yet and its been a year. He’s acting pretty selfish to me and I don’t know what to do.
Hi Stacey
Sorry to hear you’re having these issues with your bf. I think you really need to talk to him, nicely and honestly, about how you feel. Perhaps a gentle wake-up call will help. If not, then I suggest talking to him more seriously. It’s a fine balance between getting him to realise things aren’t great, and not hurting his feelings. That’s why I always suggest trying the team angle, in the hope you can get him on board with trying to make sex great for both of you.
Ethan
My boyfriend ejaculates in a minute, even when having oral. He is 39 and this has been going on for about a year, he doesn’t last and it’s such a turn off. I think it’s time to move on.
Hi O
I understand the frustration. But have you tried talking to him about it, and trying to find a way to make sex last longer together? Before giving up on him, it’s perhaps worth giving him a chance to improve.
Ethan
Hi my boyfriend and I have intercourse every night but he still comes to quick? What is the cause? Should I be worried?
Hi Sheavani
It’s impossible to say what the cause is, as there are many possible reasons. The only worry is if he refuses to try and do something about it. My advice would be to talk to him openly about it, but in as nice and non-critical way as possible. Suggest the technique you read in this article and try to get him to work together to improve the time for both of your enjoyment.
Ethan
Hi there,
Me and my boyfriend are planning on getting together in a couple of months but he has just told me he will only last a few seconds. It will be both our first time but I just don’t know what to do or how to react because I know it will take me longer. Any advice?
Hi H
Well the good news is that he’s obviously someone who isn’t shy to talk about sex and any concerns or problems that might arise. And that’s half the battle in my experience, both personally and reading countless comments from both men and women.
It also probably means he’s really anxious. Maybe he ejaculates quickly when masturbating, or maybe he’s just worried it might happen. Who knows – it might not even happen!
My advice is to not worry too much about it or run away. Don’t let this issue become something that spoils what should be special – even if a lot of the time, the first sexual encounters with someone new are a bit of a mixed bag anyway!
I think the best thing is to just take things really slowly, and not put pressure on either of you to have the most amazing sex ever. If it’s both your first time, it’s likely to both beautiful and slightly stressful at the same time! It takes time to get to know someone sexually and for things to gel. So, if he does get aroused really quickly, so what? You can just take it easy, let him recover and go for a second round. The best thing is not to just stop when he ejaculates. Keep going with foreplay, manual, oral, kissing, cuddling, whatever until he’s ready to go again. It’s always better the second time. If he’s open to talking about sex, then you can create an atmosphere where you have long, enjoyable sexual encounters without intercourse being the only goal or end product. That way there’s less pressure, and you can both enjoy it as much as possible.
Ethan
Hi I’m mpumy. I have find it so difficulty to have sex with my boyfriend. He always ejaculate first and I hate it. I told him but he seems not changing. I’m about to leave him because I find this so difficult
Hi Mpumi
Sorry to hear it’s gotten to the point where you want to leave him. It’s a shame he hasn’t changed since you told him. But did you consider solutions together, or did you just tell him and leave it with him? Perhaps it might be worth trying again and seeing if he’s willing to have a serious conversation about things you can do together to last longer.
Ethan
My partner finishes within two minutes of sex and even when I begin with oral on him or other methods of foreplay it is around the same. He refuses to perform oral on me or do any foreplay as he says he doesn’t like it, resulting in me being very dissatisfied and often upset that I’m giving him everything I can and not receiving a lot in return.
Hi Millie
Sorry to hear you’re having trouble in that way. It’s a shame when guys act in this way, as it does sound selfish on his part. Do you know why he doesn’t like it? Has he never liked it, or did that start at some point after you got together? I think you need to have an honest chat with him about how you feel, preferably at a good time and not in the moment of feeling unsatisfied. Hopefully he will listen if you tell him seriously, but kindly, that it’s a problem.
Ethan
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and he always cums within a min. It’s so so frustrating. He knows it and so he tries to make up for it by trying go down on me every single time we have sex. Now,i understand it’s a nice gesture and blah blah but honestly at this point I don’t even care about me getting off I just wanna have good, hard, atleast 5 minute sex!! It’s so bad sometimes I just avoid sex altogether which makes it even worse when we finally do have sex. I know I sound like a serious brat but my god, I just wanna get f’ed. Feels good to this off my chest!
Hi Jillian
You don’t sound like a brat – everyone has their sexual desires and needs, and if you’re not being satisfied, then it’s hard not to complain! Have you spoken openly about it? As you can see in the article, there are tons of things you can do to improve the situation. If he’s willing to go down on your after, then he clearly cares. So with the right wording, hopefully you can get him into “team mode” where you can enjoy experimenting with finding ways to last longer together.
Ethan
Hello! So Me an my boyfriend been together for a year now, an he’s the most loving, caring, and thoughtful guy I’v ever been with, but OMG as soon as he enters me he gives me this look which indicates he has already Ejaculated. Its very very frustrating I get so upset but Ofcourse his response is “Its not my Fault You Got Some Good” an it just irritates me because I can’t get it out my head that when it comes to our sex life he’s very selfish.
I want to have a talk with him but, I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
Please any advice???
Hi Mya
It’s understandably a tough situation, and not easy to balance saying what you need with not insulting him. As I said in the article, the key is to pick the right moment, stay calm and positive, non-critical and try to work with him on this. It’s important to make him feel like this is something you want to work on together, and that there are things that can be done to improve your satisfaction too. If he is as loving and thoughtful as you say, he probable knows it’s not great, but might not know what to do about it. So have some ideas at the ready, and discuss them with him.
Ethan
Hi my boyfriend says the same, I love and dont want anyone else but he just doesnt want it as much as i do. Pills are dangerous and feel guilty when he takes them but he so much longer and the sex is out of this world. Im so not doing well i need and he wants beer.
I’ve really never done anything like this before. I like answers but mostly I like puzzles. I like to figure things out on my own, but for something like this I’m really annoyed. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. When we first started he was on a 2 year dry spell, whilst I just came out of a 4 year relationship. Sex in the beginning was fine. We would see each other a few times a week. Have sex multiple times and he would ejaculate in about 15-20 min each time. But now we have been living together and there are a few things that really tick me off.
For starters he works 10-12 hours 4 days a week, but surprisingly that isn’t my problem. My problem is that he decides that before he goes to work he wants to flip my switch and “tease me” before he jets off to work. Leaving me aroused for hours. When he comes home he either drinks and watches tv until he gets tired (even after I try to areouse him) or we have sex for about a min or two and he cums. Leaving me sexually dissatisfied and highly annoyed. For example: just last night after 4 days of teasing me and going to bed he finally initiated having sexual activity. After about 30ish seconds I would say he finished. Me obviously being annoyed I got off of him, got quiet, cleaned myself off and went out side. He followed me to ask me if I was upset that he finished so quickly to which I said yes (instigated the arguement but claims I was the one with a problem.) then tells me that he would do oral on me to get me there or at least try to get it back up and try again. So after about 10 min I came back inside to try and have play time yet again & he said he was going to sleep. Me being obviously justifiably peeved I went to bed to find out that he stayed up for 3 more hours fueling my fire.
I’m not sure how to fix this problem. I’m not sure what to do. I have a very high sex drive that is a craving that is not being satisfied and I love him. He’s a great guy, but he does not follow through and he finishes really quickly. So how in the world do I bring this up without making him feel like he’s doing something bad or without me sounding like a whining, selfish bitch?
Hi Kiana
Sorry to hear you’re having this issue with your partner. First of all, I don’t think you’re being selfish here – on the contrary, I think he’s the one who’s not really paying enough attention to the sexual needs of both of you, and had like many guys probably just become a bit lazy and careless sexually.
I think the best thing is to pick the right moment – when you’re together, feeling calm and relaxed – and tell him how you feel. Importantly, try to put a serious, but positive slant on it by saying you want to work on it together. Remind him how amazing the sex was when you first got together, and that you miss that. Picking the words is never easy in this situation, but I think the main thing is to try to be the calm one, and stay focused on the end goal. If you fight about it or criticize or blame, nothing will change. If you talk openly, but calmly, there’s a chance he’ll come on board and work with you to improve things.
If he totally refuses or buries his head in the sand, then maybe get tough at a later date!
Ethan
pls am aving dis little problem with ma guy it has been 4 years now since we dated we ave been living very happily without bt in team of sex issues i always complain abt he easily get tired and cannot even go for like 2-3 time in bed sumtime i dt filled ok when he will weak and tired so pls guide me and advice me maybe to leave de relationship or to continued de relationship dat the will be change,thanks lady A
Hi there
I think the first thing to do is speak to him honestly about how you feel, but at the right moment. It’s not helpful to complain or criticize during or just after sex. Instead, find a moment when you’re both together, feeling calm and happy, and then talk about it sensitively. You can tell him you’d like to work together to try and find a way to make the sex last longer. If he is willing to do this, then there are lots of options to try listed in the article.
Ethan
I will comment from a guys perspective and apologize for not reading all the posts. I’m a guy who can usually hold off and rotate positions to not finish. I did date one girl who I could not control it and would finish fast and could go about 3 rounds in 1 sitting. The feeling was that good and my consousness was so ashamed I wanted to keep going. there are some girls that feel like heaven and other that are just a lay. yes this was a raw incident, my girl understood, and even in time it was still short, she was magical, usually I’m fine and can control it, but there is that one you can loose it.
Hi,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for just under a year. We’re both in our early 30s, and neither of us is inexperienced.
A few issues in the bedroom:
1. He’s never lasted more than 5 minutes with me. He seems to want to ‘get it over with’ as quickly as possible – and has even expressed frustration at me trying to delay his orgasm via oral – he got cranky when I backed off and refused to let me continue, instead allowing his erection to just go away rather than pursuing sex. I haven’t told him yet that I want it to go for longer than 2-5 minutes yet, but I’m at the point of broaching the topic soon because it’s so damn frustrating. I love him, I’m incredibly attracted to him, but our sex life just feels like a chore and it’s getting me down. *Once* I told him (I was emotional, hormonal, and it was bad timing) that I felt like he hated sex with me. He panicked and at first got upset, ‘Of course I like sex!’, and then tried his best to reassure me that he likes it with me. But still, the insistence on making it as quick as possible continues. He’s otherwise very verbally and physically affectionate and loving, with non-sexual physical intimacy something that has been there from the beginning. His defensiveness and frustration about sex tell me he’s anxious about it, but I’m not sure exactly why.
2. That brings me to the second point: I believe my drive is much higher than his – with previous partners, we would go at at least daily, maybe 2 or 3 times on good days. With my current man, it’s twice a week at best, sometimes none at all. He’s never complained about it, and when I express interest or try to initiate when he’s ‘not in the mood’ (‘too tired’ is usually the excuse), he gets upset and says he feels pressured. A previous girlfriend of his berated him for having a low sex drive – I’ve always tried to be gentle about it, but I don’t know how else to fix that. We’ll be moving in together later this month – which could go one of three ways: we have sex more often, meaning he’ll get more ‘practice’ with me and be less likely to finish so quickly; we’ll keep having sex once a week, increasing my frustration, which will increase his anxiety, which will improve nothing; or I’ll just get used to taking care of myself most of the time, which I’m afraid will make him complacent. Nervous.
3. Finally, once he does orgasm, that’s it for the day at least. We’ve never done it twice in a row – the one and only time we tried (about 3 hours later, he was able to get fully hard and initiated it), he said it was taking him too long to come (>10 minutes), and he got frustrated, lost his erection, and insisted we just go to sleep. I was of course happy to continue, but he just wasn’t having any of it.
I want to know when the best time is to start one or all of these conversations: during foreplay? The ‘let’s slow down’ approach hasn’t worked, but I’m not sure how else to phrase it.
During sex? If I notice him getting close, should I ask him to hold back (at risk of ‘putting him off’ and upsetting him – I’m less concerned about his reaction as I am about future anxiety)
After sex? I doubt that would go down well. ‘So, next time…’
At a completely different time, clothes-on, away from the bedroom?
I’ve thought of telling him that ‘I need more time’ with him, but I’m worried that’ll come across as condescending. I don’t want to exacerbate his anxiety, but I still want to be satisfied in bed with him.
A few things that might provide background:
– his previous long-term girlfriend had vaginismus, and sex was excruciating for her, so I have a feeling that that’s when he ‘learned’ to be as quick as possible. He makes a point of foreplay, which usually gets me off first, but not always. Might also explain his apparent lack of desire to initiate.
– foreplay is regular and satisfying, but pretty mechanical. Recently I’ve been trying more persistently to guide him, but it’s usually: kiss for a few minutes; grope boobs for one minute; hands down my pants, furiously stimulate me til I finish; grab condom. I like to mix it up, but the few times I’ve tried to change it up, he’s gotten self conscious and lost the mood. I don’t typically have trouble finishing, thank god.
– he takes a considerable amount of time finishing via oral – the first time I did it, he said he couldn’t normally come that way. Interesting, but not sure how to use that to my advantage.
– he suffers from pretty serious GAD – he admits to being anxious about almost literally everything in life (work, money, housing prices, international politics, traffic, the price of milk, EVERYTHING), but refuses to treat it. I am a psychology graduate so every time I try to bring it up as an issue that needs to be dealt with, he says he feels like I’m just overzealously ‘diagnosing’ him or being irrational, rather than expressing a genuine and legitimate concern about his wellbeing.
– twice now he’s had episodes of ‘sexsomnia’ – like sleepwalking, but with sex. He sits up in the middle of the night, wakes me up, ravages me (once lasting a relatively long time), and wakes up halfway through or afterwards with no memory whatsoever of initiating sex. The first time, he got so upset thinking I ‘took advantage’ of him while he slept, when it was him who woke me up at 2am by passionately kissing me and taking off my clothes.
— pretty sure the sleep sex is a sign that he’s holding back – I’m sure Freud would have a lot to say about this!
In short – I love being with him. I’m incredibly attracted to him, physically, emotionally, intellectually. I adore the man, and plan to spend my life with him. He turns me on *so much*: and that’s the problem!
I hope you can help, because it’s such a delicate topic to begin with, let alone the fact that he’s dealing with so much anxiety and has such a weird history with women that he’s clearly still carrying with him.
Thanks so much,
D.
Hi D
Sorry to hear you’re having such a difficult time connecting sexually with your partner. It must be frustrating loving him to much and having all this going on.
To be honest, most of what you said sounds probably right to me. I’m guessing the lack of experience, or at least positive experience, is playing a big role, along with the past bad experience with the Ex and the anxiety in general.
The good news is that in terms of lasting time, it could be much, much worse. I think there’s a good foundation to build on there. He just needs to tackle the anxiety, as you say, and be willing to open up to a conversation about what makes good sex.
And that’s the key for me – I don’t think he really understands the importance of sex, and the importance of communicating properly about it. Maybe he’s never done that, or never felt like it was a constructive, enjoyable thing. And that might be your challenge – to somehow get him to see that it’s a time for you both to connect at another level, but with the same intimacy and love that you do at other levels.
I think the best time won’t be just before or after sex, but at another time when you’re both feeling cozy, close and relaxed. If you tackle it when he’s in heightened anxiety mode – i.e. sex – it’s probably not going to work well. I think you need to help him take a step back and look at your sex life together. And ultimately be honest with him, but in a gentle way. As I said many times in comments here, I think the key is to get the guy thinking about in terms of teamwork, rather than criticizing and leaving him to try and work out what to do alone.
It sounds like you’re a bright person with your feet on the ground. I’m sure if you keep plugging away at this, you’ll get there!
Hope that helps!
Ethan
Hey sounds like the guys not attracted to you. He doesn’t have sex very often and tries to get it over with. He has sex with you in his sleep because he’s dreaming your someone else. I’m a man who has done this.
Hi me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years and we have a 5 month old. Last night we had sex and we went at it for awhile and then he ejaculaged. I didnt! He told me he likes that position (reverse cowgirl) I told him I didn’t get off and he said oh well me coming early could be good or bad. Good I’m assuming is good position, fully turned on, all the “good” factors. What would make it bad that he still ejaculates tho. It’s not a problem of lasting longer because mostly we have that down pat.
Hi Marissa
I guess if it’s only a problem in that one position, then there isn’t really a problem, not anything bad! Perhaps save that position until you’re both ready to finish.
Ethan
Hello Ethan
Ok so my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now with no kids or distractions and are super happy. He works 40 hours a week and is 23 years old. The only issue is his timing. He used to last 30 min last year now it’s 10-15 min. We have sex twice a week. We both are very active so I assume he just doesn’t have the energy but I would rather know. After he cums within small amount of time he can’t get it back up. He apologizes then falls asleep. I never get angry at him because I know it’s out of his control and I love him so I never want him to feel hurt in any way. I love the tips you gave but I don’t know where to start because I can’t find the source of the issue. If you can lead me that would be great. Thanks!
Hi Shantell
It’s really impossible for me to say what could be happening. My first thought is that it could just be a mix of differences in libido, satisfaction and a little bit of effort.
Guys in the beginning, like girls too, will try hard to really have the best sex possible. But over time, we develop a way of knowing exactly what gets us there quickest, and stop worrying so much about having extra-long sex sessions. Usually subconscious, it just kind of happens in time.
The good news is that 10-15 mins is very good length of time, and not an indicator of a problem with premature ejaculation. I imagine if he put his mind to it, he could last longer but controlling the positions, speed, stroke etc. So I guess you need to talk openly about how you feel. If you need 30 mins to finish, not 10-15 then it’s a problem I guess. In which case if he knows that, maybe he can work with you to spend that time again. But if you both finish, and you just want more because you like it, you’ll have to discuss the libido difference. He might just think that if you both orgasm, it’s ok to relax and fall asleep – as most people would to be honest!
So, in short – communication and honesty is the first step. Then work out together where the balance lies between you both being satisifed.
Ethan
Hello Ethan,
Ive been havin the same issue with my boyfriend. He cums in almost a minute a minute and a half if im lucky! Isnt that like too little amount of time? Ive already talked to him about it. He keeps tellin me “you’re too hot I cant help it” and also i feel like he’s overthinkin and always worried that he isnt pleasing me so thats affecting even more. Ive read the article and it sounds really helpful but if theres anything else u can tell me it would be great! Thank you
– Sarah
Hi Sarah
It is quite a short time – mainly because you’re not happy. To be honest, I think the article has a huge amount of tips to try out! If you work your way through them, there’s a really good chance you’ll be able to improve the situation. It’s a pretty complete look at the main ways to deal with it.
Ethan
I have been dating my boyfriend for over 2 years and I have NEVER climaxed during penetration and during oral it can take me 30mins. He ejaculates within 5 minutes (oral or otherwise) and sometimes can even have trouble getting hard so I’m not sure if using a delay spray would help. It has been this way since the beginning of our relationship and I love him so I didn’t care but I am left hanging often. And to add insult to injury he is not very well endowed. He can be average size hard on a good day but soft, his balls tend to be larger. Definitely a “show-er”. He has always struggled with weight and a really bad snoring problem and lately I think he realizes when I’m not satisfied after and constantly asks me if I came. I don’t lie. Should I ask him about seeing a doctor? And do you have any info on possible natural penis growth?
Hi Bblean
So, let’s look at the two separate issues.
1. I think if he has a small looking penis when soft, but it’s fine when erect, there’s no need to work on the growth. And to be honest, it’s not the easiest thing to achieve, and telling him it’s too small is going to be a serious psychological blow. Personally, I’d leave that emotional pandora’s box firmly closed.
Having said that, if he has erection problems sometimes, he could try things that will improve the erection strength, and that in itself will increase the size naturally. Again though, you’d need to tackle that one very sensitively! You might be better off trying to encourage him to exercise and eat healthier, both things which can improve erection strength.
2. In terms of lasting, well the good news is that 5 mins isn’t too bad. It’s average and so not an indicator of a serious problem. Even though you might not be happy still, my point is that it should be easier to extend that time. Easier than for a guy who comes in seconds for example. You might find that by working with him to put into action all the tips in the article, things improve easily. If not, then you could try the things that require some more effort, like a delay spray or techniques like the start and stop.
So, to sum up, this is what would happen in the ideal world – as I see it:
1. healthier lifestyle to improve erection issue.
2. try the techniques in the article. Speak to him about this (sensitively) and work on them together.
3. if they don’t help, try a spray if he gets on top of the erection issue. If not, work on the start and stop together during sex.
Hope that helps
Ethan