Can’t Get An Erection The First Time With A New Partner?

photo of a drooping flower to suggest a drooping erection

Do you have problems getting an erection when you’re with a new partner? And no matter how much you’re attracted to them, it just doesn’t spring to life?

This started happening to me a couple of years ago (when I first wrote this article), and it proved to be a very frustrating and embarrassing problem.

What happens

Every time I got with a new partner, I couldn’t get an erection the first time we tried to have sex.

Everything always seems to go fine at first. Usually, I take someone on a couple of dates at least before we end up back at my place or hers.

I feel mentally and physically aroused as the passion builds , but then I just can’t get a full erection. I can get a partial erection – sometimes even 75% – but not enough to have sex.

I don’t feel like I’m particularly stressed or anxious to start with. But then when this happens, I definitely do get stressed.

Fortunately, the saving grace is that if we spend the night together, I’m absolutely fine in the morning. And while that’s good to know, I’d prefer it if the first night was as passionate as we both hoped.

My first coping mechanism

I soon developed a coping mechanism to deal with the inevitable awkward moment when she realizes it’s not going on. I accepted that it might happen, and decided the best thing to do is to talk about it openly in advance.

By ‘in advance’ I don’t mean over cocktails though. I find a moment during foreplay to bring it up, rather than leave it as a mystery and pretend I’m as surprised as she is.

Taking responsibility for it

I realized it was important to take responsibility for the issue: if I don’t, then she might. And that’s unfair to her.

I spoke to two partners about it, who both admitted in virtually the same words that they assumed they just didn’t turn me on. And even when I told them it always happens, I could tell they were still doubtful.

It’s not exactly ideal to tell someone about all the times it’s happened though. No woman wants to hear about your previous partners on your first night.

But you still somehow need to convince her it’s just a ‘thing’ that happens, and it will pass. It’s a tricky one.

What caused it?

I used to have a serious problem with premature ejaculation. So I first wondered if by learning to last longer through relaxation, I’d gone the other way and become too relaxed.

But I think the real explanation lies in anxiety, and probably in relation to my body. I had testicular cancer several years ago (I’m 7 years all clear now!) and it’s ever since then that I’ve had these erection problems.

The treatment I had left me with some physical, and emotional, scars. And although women tell me that scars are sexy, I think they usually mean from motorbike accidents.

So I think deep down I’m still anxious about their reaction.

Add to that the fact that I’ve had to deal with premature ejaculation for years, I think it’s natural to have developed an anxiety problem.

Even though I don’t feel anxious on the surface, I do know I’m a born worrier, and that I’ve just learned to mask my anxiety with a well-trained sense of confidence.

First attempts at dealing with it

For me, a key step was to work on my anxiety. And that involved a combination of learning to accept my body now, worrying less about ‘performing’ on the night, and communicating better.

If you’re reading this and have similar issues, my advice to you is this: talk about it openly and with confidence. Take responsibility for it, but in a positive, upbeat ‘shit happens’ kind of way. And don’t let her get all self-doubting and think it’s her fault.

After that, a bit of internal self-work might be needed, either alone or with some professional help.

Anxiety may or may not be the root cause. But either way, I think it’s important to say the right things – both to yourself and your partner.

1 year later: a potential solution

I spent a lot of time thinking about this issue. It helped to read the many comments below from readers with a similar problem. I listened to their stories and theories and tried to come up with a solution.

And finally, a year later, I had some success. I managed to get an erection the first night with the last 2 women I slept with, and also pretty much when I wanted to.

The secret – I thought – was to boost my testosterone levels so much that it balanced out the anxiety, nerves or whatever else is going on psychologically.

Basically, I did a lot of research into erectile dysfunction and discovered a common suggestion is that it’s sometimes due to low testosterone levels. So I duly decided to do everything within my power to boost it.

Here’s what I did:

  • Stopped smoking.
  • Started doing lots of work on my legs in the gym, particularly dead-lifts and similar exercises for the thighs, which apparently help with testosterone production.
  • Stopped drinking protein shakes (apparently they can lower testosterone!)
  • Worked hard to improve my sleep pattern and get a regular 8 hours.
  • Started on a testosterone boosting diet.
  • Started taking L-Arginine supplements.

Within 2 weeks I noticed that even during self-pleasure I was getting harder erections, particularly on the days I really focused on my legs in the gym.

Other than the gym work, I thought I noticed an effect from the L-Arginine supplements.

I’d read some research that found L-Arginine can help with erectile dysfunction because it boosts blood circulation to the penis (more recent medical advice suggests it may not be so effective though).

I also think my serious health and fitness regime helped increase my blood circulation and on a psychological front my confidence. So it looks like I hit the problem from a few different angles.

Trying Viagra in 2016

Since the last update, I had the same problem again. I think perhaps it was because I totally fell for someone, and I really wanted to things to go well, resulting in the old anxiety resurfacing.

So I decided to give Viagra a go, and it was very effective. I won’t be using it on an ongoing basis, as I’d like to try to manage the problem naturally, and it gave me headaches. However, it was interesting to try and a good confidence boost.

If it’s something you’re also interested in, you might find my Viagra review helpful.

2017 update

Since the last time I wrote, I didn’t try Viagra again. However, I did a lot of research into the issue of erectile dysfunction.

Interestingly, I experimented this year with not watching any porn for a month. And I’m sure it had a positive effect on how easily I get turned on in the presence of women. So it might be worth a try if you have a similar issue.

I also put a lot of thought into the annoying issue of condoms making your erection soft.

2018 update

This continued to be an issue for me from time to time. I now think it’s a blood flow problem, combined with initial nerves sometimes.

I tested a range of different treatments in 2018, and all the ones that are supposed to work by increasing blood flow did the trick for me.

That includes both brand drugs like Viagra, generic sildenafil and herbal remedies that affect your circulation.

This might also explain why stopping smoking and losing some weight while getting much fitter helped – not just because it boosted testosterone.

A penis pump helps

I also tested a penis vacuum pump, and that worked very well. But it’s not my first choice when I’m with a new partner – I think it’s more acceptable with an established partner.

So for me, my current way of dealing with it is to work on the psychological points, continue being healthy in general, and have a backup pill at the ready.

2019 update

I’ve been with a stable partner for a while now. So I don’t know if this original problem would still exist for me – nor do I want to find out!

But I thought it would help to share that I don’t have a serious problem with erectile dysfunction currently. Sure, I have good days and bad days where hardness is concerned. But on the whole, it doesn’t affect my relationship enough to be a major issue.

So if you’re worried about the future because of a similar problem to me, stay positive!

Your views

If you also experience this issue, what do you find helps or makes it worse? Feel free to share your story below.

327 thoughts on “Can’t Get An Erection The First Time With A New Partner?”

  1. Yea, well I’ve had this problem I think possibly always. I also agree that I don’t think I feel anxious or nervous. I also typically have no problem with someone I’ve been with a while . It’s basically the first or first few times. I’ve come to accept it, but wish I could find a solution. Thanks for writing the article and it’s nice to see all the comments.

    1. Hi Joey

      Thanks for the comment, and I’m glad you found it useful. You may not feel like you’re anxious, but maybe you are at some subconscious level. I also don’t feel particularly nervous or anxious, but it still happens.
      For me as well, the fact that sometimes having a couple of alcoholic drinks seems to help, makes me think that perhaps it’s because it’s taking the edge of some nerves. Either than or increasing blood flow…

  2. Sympathetic Mike

    I can totally sympathize with all of you…I have been with my wife for 15 years, and been a sexual being for 31 years (I am 50 now). If we can assign a “turn on” percentage, my wife would be a 60-70%, but the sex is very good (I would like if it were more adventurous, but it’s fine). With her, I maintain an erection with no problems about 95% of the time because I am comfortable with her. I have (long story) sought sexual partners outside my marriage for a long time, and find that no matter how HOT these other girls are, I have erection issues almost every first time we attempt sex. It happened the other day with the hottest little Asian girl on the planet (I give her a 95 on the turn on scale)…she was very nice about it, and we are going to see each other in a few days. I have concerns, of course, but know that it’s all a matter of nerves and anxiety, and will get better and better as time goes on. I just took a sexual stimulant to experiment, and it is making me feel a bit jumpy – hard to even type this comment because of the fidgety feeling – so I am not sure if I should try using it when I see her. Anyway…to all my fellow guys out there…I think (and I did this with my sexy girlfriend) you should just be truthful and be affectionate…assure her it will get better, and that she is the sexiest woman on the planet.
    Best of luck to all of you.

    1. Hi Mike,

      Thank you for your comment. You’re right about it helping by being truthful I think. Without wanting to sounds judgmental, as what you do is your own business of course, but have you wondered if the erection problem in your particular situations may be exacerbated by any conscious or unconscious feelings of guilt of naughtiness about what you’re getting up to?

      1. Why me?


        First of all thank you very much for posting this article and continuing to offer advice to all the men that have been tragically impacted by this embarrassing issue!

        I too struggle with getting an erection on the first try with a new partner. I think you’re correct regarding the roots of this problem being purely psychological. It is true, as someone else in this thread stated, that it becomes a vicious cycle of having anxiety on the night of the encounter because hoping desperately that it won’t occur is probably more likely to ensure it happens again!

        I do disagree with your thinking on the guilt issue causing the problem for Sympathetic Mike.

        You see, the first time this issue ever surfaced for me was with my second ever sexual partner when I was about 19 and was having a sexual encounter with a girl on a first date. I was horrified to realize that despite my lust and complete desire to get it on, it just wouldn’t work! Much like you, the problem went away the next morning when we tried again.

        I’ve since had this issue with every woman I’ve tried to have intercourse with since this occasion. It invariably disappears altogether after obtaining a comfort level with them.

        I’m now in a LTR, and without getting into too much detail, it’s not a happy one and I too have started looking for encounters outside of the relationship. Please don’t judge me. Anyways, each time I’ve tried to to the deed it hasn’t worked! (Twice) I know it’s not a guilt issue because as mentioned before I’ve had the problem in the past.

        I don’t know what the solution to this problem is, but I suspect you’re correct in your assessment that we’re just not made for one night stands no matter how badly I feel like I want it, my little head just says no. Very frustrating!!!

        1. Why me?

          Oh forgot to mention something interesting.

          As mentioned my first issue happened with my second sexual partner. In a bizarre twist, a few sexual encounters later, my first partner and I rekindled our relationship.

          Guess what happened when we tried to become intimate? Yep, didn’t work. Even though we had had countless sexual encounters together during our first time together it wouldn’t work? Figure that one out. You would think it would have been fine given our history together but no!!

          I’m curious if anyone else had issues with a sexual encounter with a previous partner too?

          1. That is interesting. I’m not sure what it means though…maybe before your first sexual experience you had no real expectations and your hormones did the work for you. After you’d experienced sex, perhaps you started thinking, consciously or unconsciously about your performance. And that was still an issue with your old partner when she came a long again. Again, who knows!

        2. Hi there

          Thank for your comment and for joining the discussion. Fair enough about my idea about the guilt. It was just a suggestion really, and your personal story does show that it might not always be the case.

          Yes, unfortunately it might just be something we have to deal with in terms of not being able to have one night stands. Maybe we need to go on several dates first, with no more than kissing etc for a while, and then finally having sex when we’ve reached that comfort level.

          Interestingly though I didn’t have this problem for a number of years. And although I didn’t have one night stands, I did have sex with several women the first night we met. It’s just that we then went on to see each other again.

          My problem is a developed one, and I sometimes wonder if it developed after I started criticizing myself due to problems with my lasting time. If that makes sense. That leads me to think that perhaps another reason some guys have this is because we’re just a bit more ‘aware’ of what is required of us in the bedroom. Who knows…just another idea! In your case, do you think you were an ‘aware’ 19 year old, or was it more likely nerves etc?

          Anyway, I hope either your relationship works out, or that you find a way to move on and look for someone you can be happy with. Whatever the case, I wish you all the best with this problem and the other!


  3. Hi everyone,

    Thought I would share my experience as I’ve been struggling with this for a few weeks now and have finally decided to do something about it.
    I am 23 and have had numerous partners through my life and a number of long term girlfriends. In the majority of cases I have been able to get it up (maybe not as hard as normal) but once I’m inside them everything seems to be pretty good. Once or twice, I haven’t been able to get it up and it seems to really affect me as its a real confidence knocker and I find myself worrying about it during the day etc and it gives me some real anxiety. However, the bigger problem is that I had an experience where after I had sex with someone for the first time I often find it hard to sleep! It’s one of the worst things because it puts me in a little insomnia cycle for a little while and then I worry about sleeping with them again or I avoid sleeping with people. Does anyone else have this? It makes me feel like I can’t start new relationships or casually see people sometimes. In some cases i’ve been worried about it but have had sex and its been fine and i’ve been able to sleep. When i’m able to sleep once I seem to be all good for the future, but its a very annoying concern to have on my mind. Any advice out there? Also I tend to struggle to get it up the first time if I have to use a condom, generally i’ve slept with people I know well and haven’t used them on the first time (I know this sounds bad) so I do get worried about using them the first time.

    Anyway, just sharing my experience! Would be great of someone could relate or give some advice.

    1. Hi Ben

      Thanks for the comment, and interestingly I also have the sleeping problem sometimes. But to be honest, I’ve just accepted it as part and parcel of the excitement of being with a new partner. Maybe try having a cool shower before trying to go to sleep…it might help a bit. Otherwise, you could try some relaxation / meditation exercises in bed to try and calm your heart rate and thought process.
      In terms of not getting it up with a condom – I think many guys have that problem. It’s almost like it’s a ‘final challenge’ to be overcome. I guess it’s again going to be solved by both time with someone and also being honest about it.

  4. Michael1234

    Yesterday I had my first sex with with a woman that’s way older than me, I’m 20 she’s 36 :p, it was pretty awesome at first until I realized that my dick doesn’t wanna get up, I was so upset and embarrased and whenever I would think about getting it up it just wouldn’t come up, after it became slightly hard she gave me a little oral then I penetrated her, after about 5 mins I was already done, lol
    question: is there anything I could do to maintain the erection for longer? What techniques can I use that will prevent something like this from happening again? Because I don’t wanna ejaculate in 5 mins

    1. Hi Michael

      Thanks for your comment. First of all, 5 minutes is actually within the average time a guy lasts for during penetrative sex, so that’s one good thing. You know your lasting time isn’t as severe a problem as it could be.
      I think sometimes when you have problems maintaining an erection, the time that you spend playing around, and stimulating manually and orally, can increase your arousal level so much, that when you finally do have sex, it’s over quite fast.
      It might be that like many guys here, if you get over this problem on the second time you see her, or the next morning, then you’ll probably find your lasting time increases anyway due to the lack of foreplay in contrast.
      But if it does continue to be a problem, and you still feel you have a problem with your lasting time, then there’s plenty of advice here on this site. Juts go to the homepage, check out the options I talk about and go from there.

  5. I am a girl and this question of why can’t guys get it fully up the first time crossed my mind and I found this article. I’ve pretty much come across guys like this but it’s always resolved after one night of it not fully working. I say don’t worry about it guys if the girls cool she’ll understand. It was actually very interesting reading this from a guys perspective. This obviously doesn’t work for the guys who just want to have one night stands but save the pretend one night stands for porn and you’ll be better off anyway. Less chance for stds etc..

    1. Hi Sarah

      Thank your for your comment, and your words of encouragement! That’s exactly the kind of thing that guys who have this issue need to hear, so it’s very much appreciated you taking the time to say this. And I completely agree with everything you say!
      All the best

  6. I’ve had similar issues, I also think that this has to do with anxiety. “Performance anxiety” they call it. Once you’ve become comfortable and confident with yourself, you’ll be able to maintain an erection. Just really concentrate on your partner and not on yourself or physical flaws you may think you have.


    1. Hi Joe

      Thanks for your comment, and yes, sexual performance anxiety is a tough beast to tame! I think being comfortable and confident in yourself are key things, but getting to that point is the tricky part!
      I do think though that your advice about concentrating on your partner is good. Especially if you manage to satisfy them manually or orally, then it will help take the pressure off you.

  7. Tom Haylor

    Hi ethan, i have a crush on a girl called phoebe reeves and i cant stop looking at her. quite pretty with HUGE boobs and a great personality. however i think she likes me (i know she does) but i can struggle to get erections and i am nervous??? any advice?

    1. Hi Tom,

      Thanks for your comment. Do you struggle to get erections with girls, when alone, or both? It might be completely different if you find things actually happening with this girl.
      Otherwise, all the advice I have at the moment is in the article and the comments. Have a read through, as really it’s a psychological battle more than anything possibly. And that’s something you can find ideas about in the comments. There is no magic wand I’m afraid apart from things like viagra!
      All the best

  8. I have had this problem my whole life starting with my second women when 20. For me the more I like the women the more likely I am to have a problem. When I met my wife I had this problem intermittently for a month or two until I felt very comfortable and then never had a problem for 10 years. However last year my wife (soon to be ex) and I started to have serious marital trouble that broke our bonds and one way that manifested itself was I was no longer able to get an erection with her. This was extremely stressful because at the time it seemed like sex would be a way to reconnect and save our marriage, but my inability to do it only made things worse.

    I am now separated and ready to move on, but I am terribly afraid of having this problem with women now that I start to re-date. And of course I know being so worried about is the worst thing, but that there will be no way for it not to be on my mind and thus sabotage things. I think the advise of taking time and communicating is good.

    But right now I am in a unique situation which complicates that. This wonderful women I have been communicating with is in town for a week (visiting a friend). We have had a few dates and it seems like there is a good chance for us to have sex, but I am so afraid and lacking confidence. I feel like this is a one time chance for us to establish something, which of course puts more pressure on. Worse her friend is my colleague’s wife, and there is the fear of that getting back to office. I want to have that confidence which women respond to and try to establish a relationship or at least have a memorable night with a beautiful woman. But it is hard to be confident and try to swing for a home run when you feel you can’t back up what you propose.

    1. Hi Steve

      Thanks for your comment, and believe me, I totally understand your fear! I’ve had the same situation personally, where I’m with someone and have this horrible feeling that I’ve only got one shot at somehow ‘selling’ myself sexually and making her want to come back. It’s the worst kind of pressure for guys like us, and ironically a natural pressure to put on ourselves, because in an annoying way there is often some truth to it! At least with some women.

      But I think that’s a key point to try to remember – only some women will be so lacking in understanding that they won’t stick around to see if what you tell them about it improving is true. And my personal belief is that if they aren’t willing to give you time, then you shouldn’t give them any more of your time either. Think about it the other way around? If a woman had some kind of issue which prevented you from having sex on the first night, but only kissing and cuddling etc, would you break off contact, or give her the benefit of the doubt? I think it takes a special kind of selfish, shallow idiot to break off contact! And in my experience, there aren’t as many of those around as we might have been led to think…

      So, really my advice comes back to communication. And also doing anything possible to relax yourself on that special night. Have a couple of drinks, but not too much…it’s a fine line to walk! Set the scene so that you naturally have to spend lots of time in a relaxing yet sensual atmosphere….build up to it so that when the moment comes, hopefully you’re relaxed and raring to go!

      And perhaps most importantly, remember that this issue doesn’t define whether you are a real man or not! The way you choose to deal with it is:-)


  9. Yo, this is HUGE to hear. The whole first time thing happens to me all the time. And I respond terribly to pressure. The worst thing is, I kinda have an ego so sometimes I put the pressure on myself. I’ll say “I got you, TRUST ME, don’t worry about it.” Or like “this is ridiculous, not gonna happen the next time, just watch.” And I would be super hard throughout the whole time before we actually do it, and sometimes, throughout foreplay. But then, when the moment arrives, my dick falls asleep. It’s as if it loses all connection with my mind. And I believe it has a lot to do with her (the girl’s) focus. If she’s expecting it and ready, it’s like my dick shies away. But if she’s half asleep, and we’re just lying there, I become ready to go and might wake her up so we could do it (it’s awful haha). Regardless, there are worst problems to have. And I suspect meditation and elevated comfort with your partner could work toward fixing the problem. I’m 21 years old and I’m living with it now. I appreciate all these posts a lot.

    1. Hi Jacob

      Thanks for your comment, and I can fully emphasize with you. As I’m sure can all the other readers. I think you’re right about pressure, and I’ve also found that sometimes when we’re lying there, and I’ve given up trying, it suddenly happens and I can get going. And that’s why I’m sure that nerves and anxiety are such a big factor. It’s also a good reason to somehow engineer the first time being in a situation where you both feel able to and comfortable to lie together in bed for a few hours after the failed attempt to get it up!
      All the best

  10. I am 20 yrs old and just recently had my first time. It was with a female I have only been talking to for like a month and wasn’t planned. We had talked about it some previously but the night had originally been planned for hangin out. It was also the first time I had seen her outside work and we drank slightly. She has been with a couple partners and I knew this going into it and I feel I put the pressure on myself to try and perform up to the others standards. Looking back at the situation the circumstances probably couldn’t have been worse for a first time.

    I tried foreplay for probably close to 45 min hoping during it I would be able to become erect. I never got past half so I just used my fingers to get her off so she came away pleased with it all, it seemed, however I couldn’t stay hard enough to stay penetrated for more than a few pumps and it was embarrassing. We cuddled for most of the night afterwards then I tried again during the evening and I was able to maintain an erection slightly longer (maybe 5 min?) Even during this my erection was less than 75%.

    The next day we spoke about it and she said if it continues she doesn’t know if she can keep wanting to try sex (which I can understand) and she is willing to try more (or atleast says). So she seems understanding of the situation I put myself in and willing to work on it but if it doesn’t get “fixed” or “better” she will more than likely lose interest. I haven’t had this problem in the past I’ve actually had the exact opposite, I can’t stay down but now since this incident (Early sat morning) I can’t even get a full erection.

    I’m worried if we try again and the same thing happens that might be it. I could simply go with fingering again since that was enough to stimulate her the first time or maybe even try oral however eventually she will want to return the favor for me or want the real thing. Now that I got my first time (sorta I guess?) out of the way with both her and anyone is there anything that you can think of that might help any future attempts?

    1. Hi there,

      Thanks for your comment, and I’m really sorry to hear that like me and many other readers you’ve had this very stressful issue – especially on your first time. Hopefully, if you’re like me and many others, the problem will naturally resolve the next time you try as you should hopefully feel less stressed. The main thing is to try (I know it’s difficult) to not think it will happen again, and do anything you can to help yourself relax in the build up to seeing her again. Even a couple of drinks might help. And of course tell her that it’s not her! That’s really important that she doesn’t feel that she doesn’t turn you on enough. But at the same time, it’s a careful balancing act with not seeming ‘weak’ and apologetic which may also turn her off. To be honest that’s an art I am still trying to master myself!
      I think trying oral is probably a very good idea. And if she does return it, then that might also get you going. Just try to relax when she does, and don’t try to ‘force’ yourself to get an erection. Just lie back, enjoy the moment and wait for it to hopefully happen!
      All the best

  11. Hey guys… ive been having the same problem…well ever since I became sexually active. I was injured as a 13 yr old and lost a ball.. when I lost my virginity at 21 I had this problem it was horrible made me really down.. then after a while it was all fine..when I told them about my injury and every girl since theybe been like so what give it here..ha which is always reassuring but with my latest girlfriend im 35 ive had some issues.. I think it all comes down to overthinking the soon as my mind comes off the present moment thats it I can feel it going head feels all hot my mouth goes dry and I feel embarrassed. Plus the girl usually thinks its her and for a a guy who plays in rock bands to be all sorry is a turn off for the chick..yet this is strange as if I have any one night stands where im (apologies for my crassness) up for a quickie I get no las girlfriend I had no issue..then the latest girl who is beautiful..I cant get a constant erection and its not firm..I know its all in my head and it seems to be to do with making sure shes pleasured and being comfortable with her.. im abstaining from masturbation and I know a few supplments that help like tribulus, daa, arginine that could help as im a reg gym member. Used in the past they make me damn horny so maybe just getting those feelings will break the psychological barrier so to speak.. just knowong im not alone has helped too.. we all think too much..our pre frontals are overruling our primal brain with anxiety.. good luck everyone..Mikey Oneball :-)

    1. Hi Mikey

      Thanks for your comment, and you’re definitely not alone my friend…
      I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with your analysis of why it happens, and also the insecurities it brings up, both in us and women. In some ways I think that’s even worse than the initial problem…which is possibly another reason why once it starts happening, our minds go into over-drive with stress, and they also start wondering if it’s them, what happened to the strong guy they were enjoying moments before etc etc
      Try not to get too stressed by it all generally though. I know that’s easier said than done. But at the end of the day, if a woman is worth being with, she will understand, trust you when you tell her it won’t stay that way, and hang around long enough to enjoy you as you are.
      Interesting idea about the supplements – I’d be very interested to hear back from you if you find it helps!

  12. It seems im not the only one. Im 43 and the first time it happened was when i was 18. It seemed the more attracted to her the first or even a second time i could not stay erect ,but I’ve learned to. Talk about it and explain its nerves and anxiety that’s the problem,and would not be a problem after we tried a few times ,Ive lost a lot of girls that just thought it was them. However I still deal with it even after having sex for 6 yrs with my girlfriend we broke up and now the same thing all over .Its just a matter of connecting that feeling with a new partner.

    1. Hi Jim,

      Thanks for your comment, and I think you’ve highlighted the key point which I firmly believe in – talking about it is the key. And of course, doing so in a way which reassures the girl it’s not their fault. I also now tell girls it’s not my fault either – it’s just the way it is, and there is no need to look for or identify fault. I like that because it stops them feeling bad, and also stops you from looking like you feel sorry for yourself! I just say it with as much confidence as possible, and trust that they will accept that and stick around long enough to find out how good we might be together.

  13. or maybe it might be the pressure of “I want you to get hard this instant” when I can’t get an erection on the spot right now even if I tried. Sorry for all of the additional comments, these thoughts just keep coming to me after the fact.

  14. Wow!

    It has taken me forever to find people with the same issue. Before becoming sexually active I knew premature ejaculation was an issue for many people. So i read into it and I saw some exercises that would stop premature ejaculation and to say the least it worked great (I now last anywhere between one hour to three).

    I am a 19 year old African American Male, who is decently attractive. I am in college and these females are wild! I am horny a lot and have desire to have sex with these females. But this problem is haunting me. I think it is more of a comfort thing because last year I tried having sex with a female I was familiar with. It went bad. We stayed friends and got decently close and maybe a month ago I was horny and she was playing with me like she was a pornstar and I ended up having sex with her for hours.

    My main issue has been my penis size, even though many many females have actually complimented me on a larger than average penis (roughly 6 1/2 inches). I feel that If I had one more inch, I would be invincible. But I have somewhat come to terms with this issue and it hasn’t plagued me recently.

    I masturbate often though, maybe once a day. I think that may be an issue too because I may have a false image of what sex is supposed to be. The weird thing is that I am great in bed, have a more than average penis size, and have had a handful of partners. I don’t understand why when I hook up with someone I recently met, we mess around and all that is left is to insert, and I look down and my penis looks like a cocktail shrimp and no matter what means I try to get at least enough blood in there to get my tip into her vagina, nothing works (I have had this problem and in one instance been able to get my head inside and once i felt her walls my penis flourish to full size). I will say subconsciously I do get nervous that this problem will happen because it has over 5 times, so my heart rate tends to increase and as I try to play with myself to get enough of an erection to insert, I see no increase in size.

    I simply want a solution, may it be counseling to medications. I have the potential to have many many one night stands, which I desire to experience, but every time I feel that I can, my penis says otherwise. I am desperate for solution as I am in college and females are throwing their vagina my way, but I can’t seem to do the deed.

    If ANYONE has solved this issue, PLEASE let me know because this is the only thing that is affecting me and with this out of the way I can focus on other more important things.


    1. Also I guess my greatest fear is of their reaction when they realize my penis is the size of their pinky still when we have gone through various stages of foreplay.

      1. No worries about the extra comments! Well, it definitely sounds to me like the same ‘pressure’ thoughts I know I’ve had. In which case, my previous advice still stands!

    2. Hi Scott,

      Thanks for your comment, and I can understand your frustration very well. In fact, I’ve been having a problem with it again recently! But, my answer has become a matter of acceptance of the problem and that I get nervous, telling the woman that it’s just the way I am and that the next day I’ll be good to go. Now, if you’re wanting to have wild one-night stands, that probably doesn’t work very well as a technique! But me personally, I tend to be attracted to women I think I will spend a longer time with. And so I’m not worried about having to perform for ‘one night only’. My hope continues to be that either I will find the love of my life, and never need to worry about this again, or that my continuing to accept the problem, at some point it will stop.
      I guess if it is underlying nerves, which has long been my suspicion, then counseling might help. But also, working generally on your overall emotional well-being could be equally beneficial. That might involve doing some kind of self-help stuff like meditation, yoga or mindfulness for example. Though there are other ways you can look into. And of course there are pills you could try which are aimed to help guys with impotence. I haven’t tried that personally, and don’t want to go down that road, because I think that a) I don’t have that problem, and b) I don’t want to become reliant on pills.
      And then again, despite your prowess as a lover, it might be that you have to accept the fact that deep down, you’re not actually cut out for one night stands, and maybe would be better off looking for someone to really spend quality time with:-)
      Let me know if you find anything which helps!
      All the best

  15. Man, this is frustrating as hell. I’m suffering from the same thing, only the catch is I’m 18 and this happened during my first time. needless to say, it was awkward as hell, and my already low confidence took a pretty heavy hit. at least now i know I’m not the only one.

    1. Hi Dylan,

      Thanks for your comment and I can understand your worry if it happened the first time. Did you manage to have sex eventually or did the issue continue? My advice would be to read the comment reply I just sent the previous readers. The advice there would also apply to you, and in some ways it’s even more important that you don’t worry about it. You don’t want to get into a vicious circle of worrying that it will happen again, and that worry then causing it to happen. And I think the best ways to do that are to take your time with a girl, and I really mean take your time – not just 10 minutes of foreplay, but much, much longer. Go nice and slow, enjoy all the things you can do even without an erection, and eventually hopefully it will happen. And in the meantime she’ll love you for giving her so much attention and giving her time to warm up too.
      All the best

  16. been single now since June, went back with a girl to her house, no problems there, we were both happy…this was beginning of November. 2nd Girl came back to mine and nothing would happen, we were both rather puzzled (I was seriously pissed off) not seen her since…
    3rd girl we stayed at a hotel in Brum, got back late with drinks on board but not drunk, not much happened, we fell asleep, in the morning I was fine like I used to be in my early 30’s…What is going on? I used to run like a properly serviced engine but now its like I’m a temperamental example, never quite sure as to what will/wont happen…all I know is I defo want to ‘work’!

    1. Hi John,

      Thanks for your comment, and sorry to hear you’ve been having what sounds like a similar issue to me! I can especially relate to the problem of it not quite happening in the evening, but then being fine in the morning. When that happens to me I put it down to a combination of nerves, and ironically alcohol even though alcohol is supposed to help with nerves. But that’s just my personal feeling about what causes me to ‘seize up’ the first night with a new girl. Then when I wake up, I’m relaxed and can usually perform without problems.
      My suggestion is not to worry about it too much. And don’t put too much stress on yourself to think you should be able to walk in the front door, tear her clothes off and get straight to it. I’ve found that nowadays I’m much better the first night if I take it nice and easy, spend ages on foreplay and whatever else comes to mind. That allows me to ‘warm up’ slowly and in my experience most girls are also quite nervous the first time, so they appreciate you taking the time to enjoy the situation rather than going from fully clothed to having sex in just a few minutes.
      All the best with it and I hope you go back to being a well-oiled machine soon!

  17. I have had some sort of sexual intimacy (i.e. oral or manual) with around 40 women and have had actual intercourse with around 25. With about 15 of the latter, I couldn’t maintain an erection for the first ten or so times we had sex (if we had sex that many times) due to psychological issues. Basically, I could go just fine for several minutes (sometimes even as much as 45) before – BLAMMO – I would think about how hard I was, and I would almost immediately go soft. But after I became comfortable with her, I would almost never have the issue again, even if I thought about it (I’m talking in the past tense because I currently don’t have a girlfriend). And then there are about 10 women with whom I NEVER had this issue whatsoever. And there are a small handful of women with whom I’ve had ED issues even when they’re just going down on me (probably only 2 or 3). So, to get to the point, you are by no means alone if you have anxiety issues when you are getting comfortable with a new partner. It drives me INSANE. I feel humiliated and worthless when it happens to me, and I almost want to have my new partner call my exes just to confirm that I actually am a good lover hahaha! And, of course, once it happens, it often tends to snowball and become worse. For me, one of the biggest issues is that I am very concerned with pleasing her. I want a very satisfied partner, each and every time. But when I start thinking about how she’s feeling or if I’m doing the right thing, it takes me out of the moment and makes me feel anxious – which often leads to me wondering how hard I am. I am also VERY empathetic, and can often pick up on a partner’s self-consciousness. Women can get very self-conscious with a new partner, too! And when I can tell that someone isn’t fully present, themselves, I stop being fully present. It’s like I absorb their feelings and it becomes a vicious cycle. Really, the only antidote that I can find is being truly comfortable with your partner and with yourself. This comes with time and with being with a cool person who likes you for more than just your cock. And thinking about how hard you are and worrying that it will happen is an almost surefire way to make it happen. Doing whatever you need to do to be in the moment, trust your partner and have fun is my advice.

    1. Hi Ed,

      What a fantastic comment, full of sound insights and great advice! Thanks so much for taking the time to describe your experiences in such an eloquent and down-to-earth way.

      I couldn’t agree with you more, and amazingly I remember once wishing there was a way I could ‘prove’ I had the potential to be a great lover with a new partner. Like you, I know that once I’m settled with a partner, things are usually fine. But getting to that point can be frustrating.

      Interestingly, I recently found myself with a new partner after quite some time without. And for the first time in a while, the problem didn’t happen on the first night. And I’m pretty sure the reason is because we met online, and had been chatting loads, and had been on a date before the night came to sleep together. So I felt far more relaxed. She’s also a really cool woman, and I think that knowing that as you point out, also helps in not feeling anxious about whether she’s after you for just your penis!

      I like your description of being in the moment, as that’s exactly what I feel as well. For me, there needs to be some passion, feeling and 100% commitment from both people to really going for it for me to really get aroused. I’ve come to realize that if I find myself in a position of having ‘just sex’ with no meaning or emotion, I just don’t find it does it for me. Maybe I’m getting old haha

      Anyway, thanks again for a great comment, and I hope that your next partner rocks your world:-)

  18. Tom Collins

    This has been an issue for me several times, I usually say it is leftover from my Catholic upbringing or something like that. One reason for me is a pretty bad case of psoriasis and I never know for sure if she will freak out. But I also have a porn addiction that I am recovering from that gives me ED problems all the time.

    1. Hi Tom

      Thanks for the comment, and I can fully emphasis with how much of an issue it is! I had a Catholic upbringing as well funnily enough, though I’m pretty sure it doesn’t interfere with my sex drive – at least if it did at some point, I wasn’t aware of it! But I can understand how having a worry like psoriasis would cause some psychological issues that could interfere with your ability to relax and become turned on. I guess the trick is to work hard to find something to deal with that, if that’s possible. And by the addiction do you mean that you find it hard to get turned on unless real life is as ‘crazy’ as what you’ve been used to watching? I think this is a very common problem, sadly. Hopefully giving that a rest. Maybe it would help to spend time reflecting on what ‘normal’ sex is like, and try to focus on what amazing things you can do with your partner, and how you can turn her on. Switching the focus from you to her might just help, as it can be a real turn on to know that you are pleasuring your partner to the max!
      All the best

  19. Hi, I’m really happy I discovered your excellent article. I’ve been having the same problem for the last few months and it’s really stressing me out like nothing else before. It’s embarrassing and making me lose confidence in myself. I completely agree with everything you say about it, and it’s a comfort to know I’m not the only one!! Thanks and bless you.

    1. Hi Tom

      Sorry to hear you’ve been having the same issue. It is a real confidence rocker, so hopefully the article will provide you with some reassurance that you’re not alone. And hopefully you’ll manage to find a way to deal with it!
      All the best

  20. Man I have this exact problem so I’m happy to find your article! I didn’t have the premature ejaculation problem before, so I’ve no idea why this has started happening when I never had any kind of problems in the past. I guess it could be anxiety as well, but I don’t feel anxious. Maybe it’s a natural punishment for having too many women haha

    1. Hi Russell

      Sorry to hear you’re been having the same issue. It’s a major pain, so I hope it doesn’t linger too long for you.
      I hear what you’re saying about anxiety, but it’s often the way with psychological issues that you can’t quite pin them down.
      Nice idea about the natural punishment, but I think if it were the case, there would be many more men with a similar problem!
      All the best

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