10 Lessons I’ve Learned About Sexual Stamina

image of a happy man and woman in bed together

If you’re not keen on reading every article I’ve written about premature ejaculation (which would take a while), this article is a condensed version of the best bits.

You’ll find highlights of some of the most important and useful points I’ve learned about improving your sexual stamina in the last decade.

I’ll first take a look at some pharmacological approaches. And then explain the practical techniques that I felt most helped me. Skip to section 5 if you’re more interested in my techniques than medical treatments.

Please keep in mind that this article is based on my own personal experience, and is not intended as a medical guide.

1. See premature ejaculation as a positive challenge to deal with

First things first – for me personally, the official medical diagnosis of ‘premature ejaculation’ sounds kind of awful. I mean, who wants that label?

So I prefer to mix it with more positive phrases like ‘boost your sexual stamina’ or ‘improve your sexual endurance’.

Seeing ejaculation control as a personal challenge rather than purely a medical condition can help encourage action. And if it’s an ongoing issue, you have to take action if you want it to stop.

2. There’s no one-size-fits-all cure and new medical treatments are infrequent

Writing in the European Medical Journal in 2017, researchers make the point that this is still a developing area of medicine:

They say:

Premature ejaculation (PE) can be a very distressing condition and has been studied for many years. However, there exists confusion about the definition, incidence, and management of this condition…there is no perfect treatment for PE that works for every patient every time.

Michael J. Butcher, Ege Can Serefoglu

What does this mean for you? The wide range of possible causes and treatments is one reason to speak to a doctor if it’s an ongoing problem and affecting your relationship, happiness or confidence.

A doctor can check if there is a physical cause, such as prostate issues for example. They can explain (and prescribe) the different drug treatments and therapies available where you live – something that varies globally.

But if you’re not comfortable speaking to a doctor about it, you basically have to try different products and/or techniques until you find something that works.

That might mean over the counter pills or desensitizing products, along with psychological and behavioral techniques that you can read about. More on that later.

3. You need to weigh up the pros and cons of drug treatments

The main drug treatments are still SSRIs and other anti-depressants used off-label by doctors. They are proven in research to work well for some men, based on the connection between low serotonin levels and PE.

The problem is, these are strong drugs, and researchers regularly find that many men stop taking them, often due to side effects.

High drop out rates in a drug trial

In a study of dapoxetine in 2013, the vast majority of the 122 participants dropped out:

  • 20% didn’t accept the drug at all (50% due to fear of using a drug and 25% due to cost)
  • Of the remaining 80%, 20% dropped out after one month.
  • 42.7% dropped out after 3 months.
  • 18.7% dropped out after 6 months.
  • After a year, only 10.4% continued using it.

The main reasons they stopped taking dapoxetine?

  • 24.4% – effect below expectations
  • 22.1% – costs
  • 19.8% – side effects
  • 19.8% – loss of interest in sex
  • 13.9% – didn’t work

Now, I’m not saying I’m completely against drug treatment. I’ve tried dapoxetine, sertraline, and viagra, and all three worked reasonably well for me.

I avoid long-term drug treatments for sex problems because of the side effects. My view is that it’s important to do careful background research and weigh up the pros and cons of taking medication.

4. Desensitizing products also have pros and cons

Personally, I’ve had some of the best results from using delay sprays. However, they also carry some risks.

Essentially, anything that involves numbing your penis (or mind…) also needs to be done carefully.

Too much of a lidocaine or benzocaine spray or gel? You can say goodbye to your erection, pleasure or both for at least an hour until the effect wears off – once it’s in your skin, you have to wait it out.

My advice? Get them on prescription from a doctor, buy them in pharmacies or only the online ones with healthy reviews backing them up.

The delay sprays that worked best for me are:

  • Promescent
  • K-Y Duration
  • Dynamo Delay
  • Stud 100
  • Fortacin

You can also get desensitizing condoms. Whilst these are ok, I find it harder to control exactly how much numbing goes on and they can be a bit messy.

As for the numbing effects of alcohol, well, I have to be honest and say it can work really well for sexual stamina. Whether it’s because of the physical numbing or the positive effect on anxiety and confidence, I’m not sure.

Just don’t overdo it, or it will go the other way and kill your erection instead.

5. Changing the way you view sex can make a huge difference

It’s no exaggeration when I say that changing the way I have sex was life-changing.

When I was young and inexperienced, sex was kind of linear. kiss, grope, take off clothes, maybe a blowjob if I was lucky, give her some underwhelming oral, have sex, come quickly, game over.

When I finished, I didn’t have the awareness or confidence to say ‘hey, it ain’t over yet’. And neither did she.

Presumably, she just thought ‘damn, this guy sucks’ and put up with it because I was a nice guy. Maybe she just didn’t know any different.

Perhaps it was less of an issue because when we’d go out for drinks, I’d be a lot better, so at least there was some longer sex thrown into the mix from time to time.

The key? Sex doesn’t finish until you both want it to. Ejaculation doesn’t have to be the goal or the endpoint. You don’t need to accept it as ‘just one of those things’. More foreplay, oral sex, manual stimulation, sex toys, sex games. There are many ways to make sex less linear.

6. Oral sex is a great way to extend your time in bed

I talk about it time and time again on this site, and I’ll say it again. Oral sex is an amazing way to increase how long you can please your partner for during sex.

Oral sex is sex.

My personal preference is to never have penetrative sex until I’ve first given my partner an orgasm either with oral or manual stimulation. But you can save it for later if you prefer, or change from one day to the next. It’s your choice.

Not sure how to go about it? Read my oral sex article and the hundreds of comments from readers describing their technique.

No time for that? Here’s a condensed version of the way I do it to highlight some of the key techniques:

  1. Tease her. Make it last. Don’t rush in. 10 to 20 minutes is often how long it takes me to get my partner from zero to kissing to touch to oral orgasm.
  2. Kiss her whole body all over first, going further down each time, then back up to build tension.
  3. Kiss around the whole area, but avoid the clitoris at first.
  4. Keep your tongue loose. Avoid ‘flicking’ with a pointy tip. Use the flat top surface at all times.
  5. Draw alphabet shapes around the vagina and clitoris for a minute or two. Random patterns help tease and build tension.
  6. Settle on one pattern and spend time with a constant lick/rub motion with your flat tongue on and around the clitoris.
  7. Try sucking gently with your mouth over and around the clitoris to create a vacuum while you continue with your tongue.
  8. As she becomes more aroused, push harder with the flat of your tongue.
  9. Repeat the exact same motion until she reaches climax. Do not change it once you feel she is very aroused.
  10. The key is to experiment and listen to her feedback. The above instructions might not work for your partner. In which case, try something different. Her non-verbal and verbal feedback should guide what you do.

7. It’s important to avoid the vicious circle of bad sex = less intimacy = less practice and more unhappiness

There’s not a lot in this life that you can get good at by only practicing once a fortnight.

It happens. You always finish quickly. You’re both disappointed. In time it gets worse, until one or both of you finds creative ways to avoid intimacy of any sexual kind. Headaches, too tired, not feeling well etc. I’ve been there, and it’s not a nice place for your relationship to fester.

In my experience, the more often you have sex, the better it gets. When I’ve had a partner with an extremely high libido, we’ve had so much sex it literally becomes impossible to ejaculate quickly every time.

Now, we can’t all go out and find a sex-mad partner. And if you’re already in a relationship, high libido is hard to engineer.

So, what can you do?

  • Communicate. Talk to your partner, work together and experiment by having more sex. I know, this might seem unnatural, impossible or both. But try to have sex more often.
  • If the above just isn’t possible, then help yourself. Masturbate regularly, especially an hour or two before you have sex.
  • Masturbate regularly, but the right way. See the next section.

8. Combine the start / stop technique with kegels and arousal awareness can help

Just about every PE article on the internet talks about the start and stop technique or kegels. It’s mostly the same copied stuff to fill an article though, sometimes missing key points.

Here’s how I used these behavioral techniques to improve my control:

  • Practice alone, even if you also practice with your partner.
  • Get a fake vagina to practice with – especially if you don’t have much sex right now.
  • Learn kegels. First identify the muscles you would use to stop yourself from peeing mid-stream. This is the same muscle group you can use to hold back ejaculation if you get too close.
  • When you know the muscles used, practice pumping them 10 times in succession 3 times a day to build strength and awareness.
  • Now for the start and stop technique. Masturbate or have sex and stop when you feel yourself getting too close to ejaculation.
  • Rest for 30 seconds or less, then continue.
  • Do this several times before finishing normally.
  • Understand your arousal levels. Imagine your arousal scale going from 1 to 10. 1 is not aroused and 10 is orgasm and ejaculation. Try to spot what goes on in your body when you’re at 7 or 8.
  • Make sure you rest when you’re around the 8 point, not 9 or 10 or it will be too late.
  • If you do reach that ‘point of no return’ around 9, you can try that kegel muscle squeeze to hold back. Don’t squeeze it before then though, as it won’t help.
  • What can help is to keep your body and mind relaxed throughout. Breathe slowly and controlled. Focus on how your entire body feels, not just on the sensations around your penis.
  • If you practice several times a week, you will hopefully find your control improves and you need less frequent rests.

So there you have it. That’s how I personally found you can combine the different techniques for best effect.

One final note is that I think this technique might work best for men who developed PE through rushing masturbation in earlier years.

It might also help if you tend to rush sex because of worries about losing your erection. And if that’s the case, urologists usually recommend treating the erection problem before the premature ejaculation.

9. Your sex positions can help you last longer…or not

I find that the choice of sex position massively affects my feeling of control.

Missionary and doggy style tend to be a little too stimulating. And if she’s on top, it’s harder to control the speed, rhythm or depth of thrusting.

The position that allows me the best control is spoons, or any variation of spoons, for several reasons:

  • You can control the precise movement very well.
  • Women usually love this position and will be happy to relax and let you take control.
  • You can use your hand to stimulate their clitoris manually, bringing them to orgasm. You don’t even need to thrust when you do this, which gives you a chance to rest.
  • It’s a natural position to slow down if needed and focus on kissing and touch.

10. A positive wake-up call

I’d stop short of calling premature ejaculation a blessing in disguise, but I think there can be a silver lining to having a sex problem.

Nowadays, there’s so much information available about sex, that once you get started on learning more about being a good lover, there’s no end to where it can take you.

So this is my final positive point, based on my personal experience.

When I started reading about premature ejaculation, I soon discovered that I had a lot to learn about sex in general. That my oral sex technique was a disaster. That 5 minutes of foreplay wasn’t enough. That the clitoris can be too sensitive at times…and the list goes on.

Don’t stop at simply buying a product you think will fix the problem. See this is an opportunity to improve your love life in every possible way – not just how long sex lasts. As much as time is important, it’s not the only thing you need to be a good lover.

2 thoughts on “10 Lessons I’ve Learned About Sexual Stamina”

  1. Dear Ethan,

    Thank you for all the reviews.

    I had a couple of questions (and maybe it would be great if there would be a FAQ section at some point), if you don’t mind.

    While reviewing all the different methods of controlling your PE – have you ever done a mix? I.e. maybe having Priligy and a desensitizing condom? And maybe on top, the natural techniques you have learned? I’m starting some natural training and I use desensitizing condoms which help, however I’m wondering to add priligy in some “unique” situations, just wouldn’t want to overdo it as I’m afraid you might not get hard. (Sometimes first impressions count and I’m meeting someone in a month, so I would like to be ready).

    Secondly, have you ever looked at physical exercising (specific body muscles) to help cope with stress/strain of the act? I wouldn’t be surprised that when you keep your core strong, and maybe some lower back/upper leg muscles strong – would help. Even yoga/flexibility. Would be interesting to find out your opinion about it and even if you have already looked at it?


    1. Hi Jason
      Thanks for your comment – and I’m glad you found the reviews useful. I actually wrote an article about combining techniques, which you can read here. I think it’s fine to combine all natural techniques and tips, and along with medication. I personally think it’s ok to experiment with combining treatments, but not two of the same or two meds. So perhaps priligy with a delay spray, but not priligy with viagra for example.
      As for other techniques, in my experience the fitter I am in general, the better my sex life – especially erection quality. And that also helps with the potential for delay products to affect erection quality. I also do yoga and meditate daily. While I don’t know if it helps me physically when it comes to sex, it definitely helps my stress and anxiety levels, so I highly recommend it.

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