10 Key Points I’ve Learned About Increasing Sexual Stamina

image of a happy man and woman in bed together

If you don’t have the time or desire to read every article I’ve written about premature ejaculation (which would take a while), this article is a condensed version of the best bits.

You’ll find highlights of some of the most important and useful points I’ve learned about improving your sexual stamina in the last decade.

I’ll cover some of the most common pharmacological approaches, and explain which practical/natural techniques I think are the most effective. Skip to section 5 if you’re more interested in behavioral techniques than medical treatments.

Please keep in mind that this article is based on my own personal experience, and is not intended to be relied on as medical advice.

1. See premature ejaculation as a positive challenge to deal with

First things first, I’ve long thought that the official medical diagnosis of ‘premature ejaculation’ sounds kind of bad. I can’t argue with how descriptive it is, but who wants that label?

So, I prefer to mix it with more positive phrases like ‘boost your sexual stamina’ or ‘improve your sexual endurance’.

I think rephrasing it as a positive challenge both feels better and helps motivate you to take action in the name of self-improvement.

Seeing ejaculation control as a personal challenge can help encourage action. And if it’s an ongoing issue, you’re probably going to have to take some form of action if you want it to stop.

2. There isn’t a solution that works equally for all men yet

I wish I could simply tell you that X product or technique is guaranteed to turbocharge any man’s endurance in the bedroom, but it’s more complicated than that due to the range of possible causes.

Writing in the European Medical Journal in 2017, researchers make the point that this is still a developing area of medicine:

They say:

Premature ejaculation (PE) can be a very distressing condition and has been studied for many years. However, there exists confusion about the definition, incidence, and management of this condition…there is no perfect treatment for PE that works for every patient every time.

Michael J. Butcher, Ege Can Serefoglu

What does this mean for you? The wide range of possible causes and treatments is one reason to speak to a doctor if it’s an ongoing problem that’s affecting your relationship, happiness, or confidence.

A doctor can check if there’s an underlying physical cause, such as prostate issues for example. They can explain (and prescribe) the different drug treatments and therapies available in your region of the world.

They might offer to refer you for counseling, which you could also consider doing privately, depending on your funds and access to qualified therapists. According to the UK National Health Service, premature ejaculation can be caused by psychological issues for some men, so a talking therapy might be helpful.

If you’re not comfortable speaking to a doctor or counselor about it, you’re left with trying different self-help options until you find something that works.

That might mean over the counter pills, desensitizing products, or psychological and behavioral techniques that you can read about. More on that later.

3. Weigh up the pros and cons of drug treatments

The main drug treatments are still SSRIs and other antidepressants used off-label by doctors. They are proven in research to work well for some men, based on the connection between low serotonin levels and premature ejaculation.

They are strong medications though, and researchers have found that many men stop taking them, often due to side effects.


One of the key drug treatments is dapoxetine. A meta-analysis of previous research studies published in 2018 found that it’s effective for many men.

As the researchers concluded:

Our meta-analysis found that dapoxetine significantly improved the conditions of PE compared to placebo.

Li. et al.

Despite this favorable conclusion, it’s a treatment with pros and cons. Even they mention known side effects such as nausea, dizziness, diarrhea, insomnia, and headache.

High dropout rates in a drug trial

In a study of dapoxetine in 2013, the vast majority of the 122 participants dropped out:

  • 20% didn’t accept the drug at all (50% due to fear of using a drug and 25% due to cost).
  • Of the remaining 80%, 20% dropped out after one month.
  • 42.7% dropped out after 3 months.
  • 18.7% dropped out after 6 months.
  • After a year, only 10.4% continued using it.

The main reasons they stopped taking dapoxetine were:

  • 24.4% – effect below expectations.
  • 22.1% – costs.
  • 19.8% – side effects.
  • 19.8% – loss of interest in sex.
  • 13.9% – didn’t work.

Please note that I’m not saying I’m completely against drug treatment. I’ve tried dapoxetine, sertraline, and viagra, and all three worked reasonably well for me. I just choose to avoid them nowadays because I’ve found I can deal with the issue without medication.

That’s just me though. Your treatment pathway is a personal decision, but I recommend educating yourself before buying any medicines online and discussing it with your doctor if you feel you can.

4. Desensitizing products also have pros and cons

I’ve had some of the best results from using desensitizing sprays. The good ones typically helped me last significantly longer during sex.

However, any product that physically numbs your penis needs to be applied with care so as to avoid unwanted side effects.

If you apply too much of a lidocaine or benzocaine spray or gel, there’s a chance it will reduce your erection quality and/or pleasure until the effect wears off. Once it’s in your skin, you have to wait it out.

My advice? Get them on prescription from a doctor, buy them in pharmacies, or only choose the online ones with reliable customer or expert reviews.

The delay sprays that worked best for me are:

  • Promescent
  • K-Y Duration
  • Dynamo Delay
  • Stud 100
  • Fortacin

There are also desensitizing condoms, such as those made by Durex or Trojan, that typically contain a small amount of benzocaine inside. Although they work reasonably well, you have no control over the dosage as the gel is already inside the tip. They can also be a bit messy to use, especially if you unintentionally unwrap it inside out.

As for the numbing effects of alcohol, well, it does seem to improve my stamina in bed. Whether it’s because of the physical numbing or the positive effect on anxiety and confidence, I’m not sure.

Just don’t overdo it and drink too much booze before sex because it can go the other way and affect your erection instead.

5. Changing the way you view sex can make a difference

It’s no exaggeration when I say that changing the way I think about sex, and the way I have sex, was life-changing.

In hindsight, when I was young and inexperienced, sex was just too linear: kiss; touch each other; take off clothes; get a blowjob (if I’m lucky); give her some underwhelming oral (if I can be bothered); have sex; come quickly; game over.

When I finished, I didn’t have the awareness or confidence to say “hey, it ain’t over yet”. And neither did she.

Presumably, she just thought “damn, this guy sucks” and put up with it because I was a nice guy. Maybe she just didn’t know any different.

Perhaps it was less of an issue because when we’d go out for drinks, I’d be a lot better, so at least there was some longer sex thrown into the mix from time to time.

Sex doesn’t have to finish just because you ejaculate. Your orgasm doesn’t have to be the goal or the endpoint. You don’t need to accept it as ‘just one of those things’. More foreplay, oral sex, manual stimulation, sex toys, sex games. There are many ways to make sex less linear.

6. Oral sex is a great way to extend your time in bed

I talk about it time and time again on my blog: oral sex is an amazing way to increase how much time you spend on sex, and how much pleasure you can give your partner.

Oral sex is sex.

My personal preference is to never have penetrative sex until I’ve given my partner a generous amount of oral and manual stimulation first. You can save it for later if you prefer, or mix things up from one day to the next. It’s your choice.

Not sure how to go about it? Read my oral sex article and the hundreds of comments from readers describing their techniques.

No time for that? Here’s a condensed version of the way I do it to highlight some of the key techniques:

  1. Tease her. Make it last. Don’t rush in. 10 to 20 minutes is often how long it takes me to get my partner from zero to kissing to touch to oral orgasm.
  2. Kiss her whole body all over first, going further down each time, then back up to build tension.
  3. Kiss around the whole area, but avoid the clitoris at first.
  4. Keep your tongue loose to start with. Don’t flick her clitoris with the firm pointy tip of your tongue. Use the flat top surface of your tongue most of all, and only the tip later on if you learn that she likes it.
  5. Draw alphabet shapes around the vagina and clitoris with your tongue for a minute or two. Random patterns help tease and build tension.
  6. Settle on one pattern and spend time with a constant lick/rub motion with your flat tongue on and around the clitoris.
  7. Try sucking gently with your mouth over and around the clitoris to create a vacuum while you continue with your tongue.
  8. As she becomes more aroused, push harder with the flat of your tongue.
  9. Repeat the exact same motion until she reaches climax. Do not change it once you feel she is very aroused.
  10. The key is to experiment and listen to her feedback. The above instructions might not work for your partner. In which case, try something different. Her non-verbal and verbal feedback should guide what you do.

7. Avoid the vicious circle of bad sex > less intimacy > less practice > more bad sex

There’s not a lot in this life that you can get good at by only practicing once a fortnight.

It happens. You always finish quickly. You’re both disappointed. It steadily gets worse until one or both of you finds creative ways to avoid intimacy of any sexual kind. Headaches, too tired, not feeling well, etc. I’ve been there, and it’s not a nice place for your relationship to fester.

In my experience, the more often you have sex, the better it gets. When I’ve had a partner with an extremely high libido, we’ve had so much sex it literally becomes impossible to ejaculate quickly every time.

Now, we can’t all go out and find a sex-mad partner. And if you’re already in a relationship, high libido is hard to engineer.

So, what can you do?

  • Communicate. Talk to your partner, work together and experiment by having more sex. I know, this might seem unnatural, impossible, or both. But try to have sex more often.
  • If the above just isn’t possible, then help yourself. Masturbate regularly, especially on the days you think you might have sex.
  • Masturbate regularly, but the right way. See the next section.

8. Combine the start and stop technique with kegels and arousal awareness

Pretty much every article about lasting longer in bed that I’ve read online talks about the start and stop technique or kegels. And for good reason: those techniques can work well for many men.

Here’s how I used those behavioral techniques to improve my control:

  • Practice alone, even if you also practice with your partner.
  • Get a sex toy to practice with, especially if you’re single or don’t have much sex right now. See my article about the aptly named Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit for more on this.
  • Learn kegels. First identify the muscles you would use to stop yourself from peeing mid-stream. This is the same muscle group you can use to hold back ejaculation if you get too close.
  • When you know the muscles used, practice pumping them 10 times in succession three times a day to build strength and awareness.
  • Learn the start and stop technique. Masturbate or have sex and stop when you feel yourself getting too close to ejaculation.
  • Rest for 30 seconds and then continue.
  • Set yourself a goal to finish: either on the fourth restart or when you hit a target time, such as ten or twenty minutes. Start with just a few minutes if you need to, and work up from there over the weeks and months.
  • Understand your arousal levels. Imagine your arousal scale going from 1 to 10. 1 is not aroused and 10 is orgasm and ejaculation. Try to spot what goes on in your body when you’re at 7 or 8.
  • Make sure you rest when you’re around the 8 point, not 9 or 10 or it will be too late.
  • If you do reach that ‘point of no return’ around 9, you can try that kegel muscle squeeze to hold back. Don’t squeeze it before then though, as it won’t help.
  • What can help is to keep your body and mind relaxed throughout. Breathe slowly and in a controlled way. Focus on how your entire body feels, not just on the sensations around your penis.
  • If you practice several times a week, you will hopefully find your control improves and you need less frequent rests.

And there you have it. That’s how I personally found you can combine the different techniques to the best effect.

One final note is that I think this technique might work best for men who developed premature ejaculation through rushed masturbation in earlier years.

It might also help if you tend to rush sex because of worries about losing your erection. If that’s the case, urologists usually recommend treating the erection problem before the premature ejaculation.

9. Your sex positions can help you last longer…or not

I find that the choice of sex position massively affects my feeling of control.

Missionary and doggy style tend to be a little too stimulating. And if she’s on top, it’s harder to control the speed, rhythm, or depth of thrusting.

The position that allows me the best control is spoons, or any variation of spoons, for several reasons:

  • You can control the precise movement very well.
  • Women usually love this position and will be happy to relax and let you take control.
  • You can use your hand to stimulate their clitoris manually, bringing them to orgasm. You don’t even need to thrust when you do this, which gives you a chance to rest.
  • It’s a natural position to slow down if needed and focus on kissing and touch.

10. A positive wake-up call

I’d stop short of calling premature ejaculation a blessing in disguise, but I think there can be a silver lining to having a sex problem.

Nowadays, there’s so much information available about sex, that once you get started on learning more about being a good lover, there’s no end to where it can take you.

So this is my final positive point, based on my personal experience.

When I started reading about premature ejaculation, I soon discovered that I had a lot to learn about sex in general. For example, I realized that my oral sex technique was a disaster, that five minutes of foreplay wasn’t enough, that the clitoris can be too sensitive at times…and the list goes on.

Don’t stop at simply buying a product you think will fix the problem. See this is an opportunity to improve your love life in every possible way – not just how long sex lasts. As much as time is important, it’s not the only thing you need to be a good lover.

Your thoughts

Let me know what you think about these techniques in the comments below. Have you tried any, and if so, did they help? Feel free just to share your story too and ask questions.

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