What To Do If Your Boyfriend Finishes Quickly During Sex

man and a woman kissing sensually

It’s a frustrating feeling when your partner finishes quickly during sex and then just stops all sexual activity. It’s even worse if he says “that was amazing”, rolls over and falls asleep.

Maybe you wish you could talk to him about it honestly, but you’re worried that he’ll take it badly. And nobody wants to hurt their partner’s self-confidence with criticism about their body or ‘performance’ in bed.

However, this kind of frustration can eat away at a relationship – both in and out of the bedroom. So it’s a good idea to find a way to talk about it. After all, there are ways he can tackle the issue, either alone or with your help.

If you’re already talking about the problem together, you’ve probably taken the most important step. Most of the techniques for dealing with the problem require some level of communication – especially if you’re the one who has done the research and has some possible solutions.

If you’re reading this because it’s an issue you’ve never spoken about, it’s a different scenario. So at the end of the article, you’ll find some suggestions for approaching what can feel like a tricky conversation.

Techniques you can both try

1. Desensitizing sprays

photo of three delay sprays

Desensitizing sprays are especially useful for men who have premature ejaculation because of physical sensitivity.

They contain a numbing agent which will reduce his sensitivity – usually benzocaine or lidocaine. He just needs to apply it 5 to 10 minutes before sex, and it should take the edge off the stimulation he feels.

There are many different brands, so you might find my review of delay sprays helpful. And the specific one I’ve had the most success with personally is Promescent, which you can buy without a prescription at promescent.com.

2. Develop ejaculation control naturally

There are some effective techniques you can practice when making love to help your partner learn to control his arousal levels.

It can take time to see good results, but it’s worth trying as it can save money in the long run and avoid medication. If you work together to improve his control, there’s the potential to stop the problem rather than always relying on desensitizing products.

A relatively easy technique to try is the start and stop method, which he can practice alone and/or with you.

There are other techniques, such as the squeeze technique and kegels, but the start and stop is the one I personally had the most success with.

3. Work through a self-help book together

ejaculation trainer ebook

If you’re interested in tackling premature ejaculation naturally through behavioral techniques, it can be useful to work through a self-help book.

Research into premature ejaculation has shown that men who used a self-help book improved their lasting time by several minutes, and that the effects continued months later.

You can either practice the techniques together during foreplay and sex, or leave it to him to read and learn what he needs to do in his own time.

You can find them on online bookstores – even Amazon. There are also dedicated websites with slightly cheesy and pricey self-help guides, but good nonetheless.

Have a look at my recommended premature ejaculation guides for more about them.

4. Delay condoms

trojan extended pleasure condom

Delay condoms, like the sprays, also contain a numbing ingredient. They sometimes cause problems with maintaining an erection, but do work well for some men and are a simple solution.

If your partner doesn’t have a problem wearing condoms in general, they may help his level of control. They are also very easy to find, sold in many pharmacies and most adult stores.

You can find out more about them in my desensitizing condoms article.

5. Thicker than normal condoms

Most condoms can help reduce the physical sensitivity, so even just wearing a normal condom could help his ejaculation control.

And if you want to go one step further, ask him to try an extra thick condom – especially if you’re not keen on the benzocaine idea.

6. Medication

Doctors sometimes prescribe antidepressants for premature ejaculation, as they’ve proven to be quite effective in clinical trials.

The main issue is that he would need to take them every day. Antidepressants also come with side effects of their own. So it’s important to discuss medication options thoroughly with a doctor.

In many countries, you can now get Dapoxetine (see my review). You only need to take this one on the days you actually have sex, but still carries the risk of some side effects.

7. Foreplay, and more of it

The idea is that you use foreplay to balance your arousal levels. Men sometimes reach higher states of arousal quicker than women. So it can help to focus more on your pleasure at the start, rather than rushing into oral for him or penetrative sex.

So when you eventually do have sex, he won’t need to last as long, since you’ll already be more aroused from all that foreplay.

man and woman kissing on a bed

8. Use oral sex to your advantage

This can work in two ways. He could bring you to orgasm through oral sex and manual stimulation first. Or as if with the foreplay concept, he can bring you close to climax, and then switch to sex.

Both techniques work well, ensuring you get plenty of stimulation and the pressure is taken off him to be a marathon man.

9. Choose your sex positions wisely

Some sex positions might make him ejaculate much faster. Others could help him last a little, or hopefully much, longer.

The best positions are those with you on top, or sideways positions like spoons. The more challenging positions for a man to last longer tend to be the missionary, from behind on all fours, or stood up.

The idea is that it helps if a man can stay physically more relaxed, so any position which involves him tensing his core is less likely to help his ejaculation control.

10. Go for the second round

Your partner is more likely to last longer the second time around. So don’t allow your sex session to end just because he finishes once.

Keep on enjoying each other in other ways, and when he’s ready to go again, he’ll hopefully have an improved feeling of control of his arousal.

11. Use lubricant

durex lubricant

If your partner feels too much physical pressure on his penis head during sex, it might make him come quicker. So if you’re not naturally well lubricated, buy a good quality lubricant to have at the ready.

And if he’s overly keen and rushing to penetrative sex, keep him at bay until you can feel you’re fully warmed up.

12. Remember to breathe

Breathing can play an important role. Remind him to slow down and take longer, deeper breaths if his breathing becomes fast and shallow.

On a wider note, try to help him keep relaxed during sex. If you feel him tensing up, relax him with some massaging movements or calming words.

13. Have sex more often

If you rarely have sex, he’s going to feel like a horny 20 year old when it finally happens, and all hope of solid control will be out the window.

And practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.

I know from personal experience that once a week sex tends to be over pretty quickly. But with daily sex, or near daily, it always feel easier to control my arousal levels.

image of a man and woman embracing in bed in an intimate way

14. Set the right pace

If you go straight into 5th gear from the start, your partner might struggle to contain his arousal and excitement. So try to slow down, relax and enjoy a change in pace.

He might also find it helpful to sometimes stop doing deep strokes, and just do smaller ones until he calms down a little.

And if even that’s too much, he can withdraw completely and give you some oral until his arousal levels drop down enough.

15. Work on any sexual performance anxiety

If he feels anxious and stressed about pleasing you, both the physical and mental tension can affect his lasting time.

If he feels less pressure, and that you’re happy and enjoying your sex life together, it can help him keep control.

So even if he does come very quickly every time, making him feel that you still very much enjoy your intimate times together will help in the long run.

man and woman talking in bed

Communicating about premature ejaculation

How severe is his premature ejaculation?

It’s useful to understand that there are different levels to the problem. Here are a few different scenarios:

  • He comes during foreplay, before you even start having penetrative sex.
  • He ejaculates very soon during sex, for example within a minute or two.
  • He lasts for a few minutes, perhaps the average time of 5-6 minutes for a man, but it’s still not long enough for you to have an orgasm.
  • It’s a mix of all of the above at different times.

A modern definition of premature ejaculation is that he comes before either you or he want him to, regardless of how long the exact time is.

But there’s a difference between a man who always comes within a minute, and one who lasts longer, but still not long enough for you to reach orgasm.

How can you talk to your boyfriend about premature ejaculation?

Complaining, teasing or insulting him isn’t going to inspire him to take action. But neither is silence.

Only you really know your own relationship, your partner and yourself. There are no magic words which will fit every situation.

But one thing is for sure – talking to him about the problem is the key to instigating change.

Why communication is important

First of all, let’s look at the reasons why communication is essential if you want your partner to improve his sexual stamina:

  • He needs to be willing to try different techniques and/or treatments. If he doesn’t accept the situation, the problem might not go away on its own (though it can do if it’s a temporary problem).
  • He might need to practice some techniques alone. Some methods for developing control need him to dedicate time to perfecting them.
  • You can’t try some of the simpler solutions like numbing sprays without him being willing.
  • Anxiety can play a role. And one of the best ways to reduce that is if he feels you’re working together to have better sex, with no judgment or pressure.

Picking the moment and having some ideas at the ready

If you already have a good level of communication, things should be easier. If you never talk about sex, now is the time to start, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

Whatever the case, there may be no easy way of saying it that doesn’t hurt his feelings a little. But there are steps you can take to contain his embarrassment:

  • Find a moment when you’re both relaxed and feeling connected.
  • If you tell him you want to do something to help him last longer, have some ideas at the ready.
  • Frame it as a fun thing to work on together. See it as a challenge to have an even better sex life.
  • Be honest about how you feel, but also start by telling him how much you love, like, fancy, respect or care for him. And importantly, how much you enjoy being intimate with him. He may feel bad or relieved when you bring it up, but remember to make him feel that you want to be physical with him.

It’s up to you to work out how to talk to him, just remember to speak in a way that doesn’t come across as judgmental, blaming or critical.

It’s about making him feel wanted, and at the same time that you’re a team who can work together to have the best possible sex.

With some calm, loving words, you can reduce the chance of him feeling bad. And increase the chance he’ll both listen to you and agree to work on it with you.

Is it wrong to leave your partner because of premature ejaculation?

Since I first wrote this article, many women have said in the comments that they’ve thought about leaving their partner because of this problem.

Here’s my take on it, for what it’s worth.

First of all, you are entitled to leave your partner if that’s what you think is best for you. It’s as simple as that in my opinion.

However, I think it’s also worth giving them a chance to fix the problem – especially if it’s someone you care about. Sure, if you meet someone in a bar and they don’t do it for you emotionally or physically that night, then whatever. Move on and find someone who gives you what you need.

But if you fall in love with someone and later discover they tend to finish quicker than you’d like during sex, or if it’s a new issue that your partner never had before (which does happen), then I personally think it’s good to give them a chance.

And by that, I don’t necessarily mean wait a year and see if it magically goes away. I mean talk to them about how you feel about your sex life, be honest (but kind) and see if they are the kind of person who cares enough and is open enough to find a solution.

Importantly, see what kind of reaction you get. Some embarrassment, shock, shame, grumpiness or awkwardness might be a reasonable reaction that you can work with.

But if he’s the kind of man who gets unreasonably angry with you because you brought it up, then it’s either one very unique sore point he has or part of a bigger problem.

How angry does he get about other things? How does he express or cope with his anger? Does he shout, insult you or simply ignore you disrespectfully? If so, I recommend confiding in someone you trust about your relationship and how you feel in it.

Then decide whether you’re thinking about leaving your partner purely because they don’t do it for you in bed, or because the way they approach the problem is just another example of the way they approach problems in your relationship.

Sorry to end with doom and gloom and drama, but I thought it was important to offer my thoughts on something I’ve read many times in the comments over the years. I’m not a therapist or marriage counsellor, but I believe we all have the right to be in a happy, safe and positive relationship.

Your thoughts

Is this an issue for you? What have you tried, or are thinking about trying to deal with the issue? Feel free to share your experience in the comments below!

210 thoughts on “What To Do If Your Boyfriend Finishes Quickly During Sex”

  1. I’ve been married for three years and I’m concerned about my husband’s ejaculation. For religious reasons, we had not attempted intercourse before marriage. Since married, he regularly ejaculated before attempts at entry. My sexual desire diminished considerably over the three years after no success. Besides embarrassment and lack of sexual pleasure, we want to have children and I want to become pregnant the “natural way.” Ejaculating quickly is not a new problem for him. Since the first time he attempted sex at the age of 14, he was unable to accomplish vaginal entry except on one occasion, and, then, he ejaculated in a matter of seconds. We’ve tried the “squeeze technique” and found it not helpful, I feel desperate.

    1. Hi Kristy
      Have you tried dedicating a good amount of time to a night of sex, and trying a second, third, fourth time even? As long as he can get an erection again, most men will last a bit longer each time – hopefully long enough to help with the issue of having children at least.

  2. Hello Ethan,
    So my boyfriend of several years had an issue with porn and decided to quit, as well as masterbation. I think its great because he is much more present in the relationship and obviously if he thought it was having a negative affect its a positive step to take. Having said that, its been about 8 months now, and he never had an issue in the past. These days he’s really struggled to have any control in that department, Usually I have to be extremely gentle and go at an extremely slow pace and even then its “gone in 60 seconds” a lot of times, no pun intended… I understand maybe its just more sensitive as he’s kinda rewired his brain and his relationship with sex has changed since he only gets stimulation from sex acts and not porn/masterbation. I also feel strange bringing it up because I don’t want him to go back to old bad habits. I’m sure he’s aware of it and he tries to return the favor but its just not the same and I’m wondering how to navigate being with a premature ejaculator which i’ve never encountered aside from the occasional fluke with past partners.

    1. Hi Marisa
      How bad was the issue with porn? Was it really necessary to also quit masturbation? If the problem was excessive porn watching, or porn that you find disturbing, or that was making him less present, maybe it’s worth trialling no porn but resuming masturbation. I can tell you from experience that if the only time you release is when you have sex, it’s going to be quick unless you have regular sex.

  3. Hi Ethan,

    My partner tries his best to satisfy me and lasts probably 10-20 minutes and is lovely and keen to improve. He always self deprecates about finishing early by saying he’s “used to disappointing me”. What can I do about this? I tell him he satisfies me and it’s still good because he spends a lot more time doing me before/after sex, but he still seems insecure about it.

    1. Hi
      10 to 20 minutes is a long time – comparatively. What makes him disappointed? Is it because it takes you 21-30 minutes to reach orgasm? Is it because he has never read what the average lasting time is for men? Does he feel like he should have 100% control?

  4. I’ve been a premature ejaculator all my adult life. It can be very embarrassing at times. I have even erupted before any penetration started. Fortunately, my wife never really cared too much, since I always got her off first. Going a second or third time works well, but sometimes that is not going to happen.

  5. Hey, Ethan!

    My relationship is like 6 months old and my boyfriend ejaculates too fast since the beginning. He doesn’t have that much sexual experience before me but he masturbates at least one time per day (when I’m not around) ..sometimes 2 or 3 times per day and that is combined with porn almost every time. He is a mariner so 4 months of lonely time at the ship are a lot.
    Do you think the often masturbation is one of the causes of him ejaculating too fast?

    Thank you!!

    1. Hi Nikki
      I imagine it could be, especially if he does it very quickly. Perhaps sharing a boat for months has meant he’s needed to find ways to do it super quickly so nobody sees him. That’s reversible, in my opinion, but needs him to decide to take more time over it – and sex too.

  6. My Husband seems to just have a trigger in his head, maybe it’s anxiety? He knows we are about to have sex and something just switches in his head and the more clothes that come off and the closer he gets to actually penetrating me I feel like he just gets way too excited and has an accident and finishes before entry more often than not, but no matter what it’s very premature. I can relate to a lot of the people commenting about finishing before entry or putting on a condom and maybe a fetish or whatnot. I just am not quite sure what to do when he’s finishing without stimulation and just positioning himself for sex can trigger him to have an accident and finish. We’ve spoken about it but it hasn’t helped the situation and asking him to really try harder to hold it seems to almost be counterproductive. He’s very good to me after, but we need to clean up which can sometimes kill the mood, He is unable to do it before we try for sex because he’ll finish. Any advice helps.
    C

    1. Hi Charlotte
      Unfortunately, asking him to try harder probably won’t do much in the heat of the moment, even if it’s not particularly hot yet! Maybe in the long-term in terms of finding a solution, but not in the moment I don’t think. I guess trying to work with him to consider the techniques I mentioned or a product or two is likely a good option. I think this is one where you need to work together to experiment and find something that works. It’s very hard to predict which technique might be right for you two.

  7. Hi Ethan,

    I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and for the first 3 years our sex life was good, but slowly over the last 2 years it’s gotten worse and worse. To the point where I haven’t orgasmed in months and hardly enjoyed sex. Using condoms used to help, but not anymore. I’ve talked to him about it several times, and after he’ll try really hard the next time we have sex but then it’s right back to him finishing in 1 min and Leaving me unsatisfied. It feels awful having to say “I want to keep going or do you want to help me finish too?” like I’m nagging him. I don’t think he’d use a numbing spray, but at this point I’m just avoiding sex altogether.

    1. Hi Jenny
      I can understand the frustration. It sounds like he’s at least partly open to working together on things, but then the feeling of wanting to do more is perhaps met by other feelings. What they are is hard to say! Perhaps you just haven’t found a solution yet that makes it easier for him to commit to trying more of, and more frequently. I’d talk through the suggestions on this site and others to see if anything interests him.

  8. My partner knows he cums quickly, I usually tell him I’m satisfied when I’m actually not, in his last relationship his ex made him go to the doctor and put so much pressure on him to stop cumming quickly… I felt bad so I didn’t put a lot of pressure on him. We have sex daily and sometimes go a second round but other then that. I’m left unsatisfied… what can I do to help help last longer?

  9. I just got out of a relationship with a girl that enjoyed making me finish quick, it was sort of a fetish for her so naturally I got really good at finishing in record time. Over time I didn’t even need to think about it, it would just happen to the point where that’s who I was. Finishing in 10 seconds usually give or take. She loved it and it really made her turned on and feel powerful. A few others mentioned not being able to get it in putting the condom on or otherwise. That would happen occasionally too which was basically her goal every time to have that much power over my member. Now that I’m back out there on the free market, I still finish embarrassingly fast, 10 seconds or so. I never had this issue before u met my ex so my question is, can this be undone do you think?

    1. Hi James
      My positive nature would say that yes, it can be undone. It’s not much different from men who train themselves to come quickly when masturbating. I would suggest to work on the classic start and stop technique for a few weeks, and maybe months, to see if you can build your time. Get a sex toy if you don’t have one already to make it more realistic and train yourself to deal with intense stimulation for longer.

  10. Had a rough time over the weekend, I was really horny (per usual) and I finished as she was rolling the condom onto me. Was pretty embarrassing and she wasn’t too happy. I’m lucky I was born well endowed which is great and I’ve always been quicker but lately have had issues not having any control in holding back ejaculating at all, so I’m not able to use what I was given. What do you do if you can’t get to the penetration without finishing. I’ve tried a lot of things, rubbing one out before hasn’t worked and sometimes makes it even worse if I can’t get it back up. From reading a lot of the women’s comments here makes me feel super Insecure about not being able to satisfy. And I do make sure the girl is taken care of when this happens if they are up for it still. The problem is finishing before penetration Is usually a turn off for them. I’m 30 so I’m not that young either like a first time situation
    Best,
    T

    1. Hi Travis
      If it’s a sudden change in your control, it’s always worth mentioning it to a doctor, or just getting a general checkup. That way you can rule out any underlying physical causes. And they might also be able to suggest some medication, if you’re the kind of person who prefers the simplicity of medical treatment to ‘natural techniques’.
      You do mention you’ve ‘always been quicker’ though. So perhaps it might help to do some solo practice. And by ‘some’ I mean potentially weeks or longer of working on it. I personally found the simple start and stop technique, along with a sex toy to make it more realistic was enough to gain much better control.
      And try not to be too disheartened by the comments here. I imagine there are some people at the end of their tether commenting here, which is understandable. But it doesn’t mean that all men are doomed to be dumped just because they (hopefully) go through a bad patch in their sex life.
      Ethan

  11. I’m reading some of these other ladies’ comments and i’m seeing a trend in their partners losing stamina throughout the relationship. I’m in the same boat right now. My guy used to go for a good ten minutes or so to now finishing in seconds almost every time. On occasion he’ll be able to last a minute or two but its rare. So my question is how much of this is mental? Also could it be a fetish? Quickies are obviously a thing and great sometimes, but not always. I know i’ve joked after quickies in the past about how good i am down there for him as I’m sure maybe a lot of other women have maybe done (again sometimes its super flattering and makes you feel good about yourself that you can please them so fast). so i guess i just wonder if its a turn on now. I’ve spoken to him about wanting it longer so he obviously knows and i don’t think its on purpose.

    1. Hi Kelly
      Thanks for sharing your experience. I agree there is a trend in the comments, and not a good one generally! My feeling is that it’s probably less of a fetish in most cases, and more likely to be a combination of making less effort to control themselves and knowing through experience which position and movement feels best.
      Ethan

      1. So you think he knows what feels good to make him climax and he either doesn’t try hard enough to slow it down or has conditioned himself to where he can’t control doing it anymore? I’ve asked him to try and last longer several times before to no avail. Would you say he’s just developed premature ejaculation after not having an issue in the past? For a good year he did fine lasting 10+ minutes. It also seems from what you’re telling me there may not be a way to control it at this point if its something he acquired. I’m gonna tell him very straight forward to last as long as he can hold out for to find out if its fixable.

        1. Hi Kelly
          That might be the case, but I can’t say for certain obviously. Sorry if I gave the impression I don’t think it can be controlled – that’s not what I meant. I think it is is possible to improve – if he’s willing to make the effort.
          Ethan

  12. The best answer ever:

    13. Have sex more often

    If you rarely actually have sex, he’s going to feel like a horny teenager when it finally happens, and all hope of solid control will be out the window.

    And practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.

    I know from personal experience that once a week sex tends to be over pretty quickly. But with daily sex, or near daily, it always feel easier to control my arousal levels.

    1. I couldn’t agree more!

      This is the biggest issue for us I think, my wife was diagnosed with lymes disease from a tick bite about 18 months ago and whilst she’s made a full recovery from that there are several side effects still hanging on – one of which is a complete lack of sex drive.

      We now have sex maybe two or three times a month and when we do I can barely last 5 mins, which definitely does not increase her desire for more sex! Before she was ill we would be intimate three or four times a week and some sessions could last over an hour, but now it’s not very satisfying for either of us as although I still finish off I know I’m leaving her unsatisfied.

      Communication is definitely the key though, talking about the issues without recriminations or blame is the only way to go :)

  13. I have tried everything from soft kisses to grinding. And my sex positions are like omg. There’s not one sex position we have not tried. The hand stand is his favorite though. But when I grind on him he cums in 1.2 seconds. Usually when I’m grinding on him I will go in between the grinding and soft kisses . And before I can go any further it’s to late. So by the second round I’m trying again from the kisses to the sucking of his ear and the kissing of his pelvis and back up to start the grinding process again but then pop. We never get further then that.

  14. I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 months now, he is nice but def struggles with being a quick cummer. Usually its 30 seconds or less, sometimes about a minute. If we do oral it’s usual just oral or he loses it upon entry. How much work is it to help a guy develop more stamina? I’m just on the fence about continuing seeing him or if its best to find someone who is already capable in that area of satisfying my needs.

    1. Hi Jessica
      Well, it depends. If he’s willing to try a product like a spray or delay condom, it’s no more work than buying it and applying it. For natural techniques, it depends on what you try. The key is communication, otherwise nothing will change.
      Ethan

    2. My boyfriend struggles with this. When we first started dating it was the issue of it having been a while, and probably a little performance anxiety. Once our relationship settled and we went from pretty much daily to once in a while it became so short and it was always when I was so so close. He actually researched on his own and chose to go down on me for a long time and is even able to make me cum from oral (never could before). Maybe have him go down and stay down till you’re close or try the stop and start. Or maybe have sex more often? Whatever works!

  15. My partner doesn’t last very long during intercourse, a min 2 at max. Although he’ll give oral to me id like to be able to enjoy actual sex. I never give him oral now as it means we won’t even have sex and due to busy lives sex is once weekly only and only then because I insist.

    1. Hi Rachy
      Have you tried any of the techniques in the article? Have you talked to him about trying any techniques?
      Ethan

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