What To Do If Your Boyfriend Finishes Quickly During Sex

man and a woman kissing sensually

It’s a frustrating feeling many women know only too well: being left hanging when your partner comes quickly during sex and doesn’t carry on. Fortunately, there are positive ways to talk to him about it. And there are many techniques you can try to help him last longer.

You wish you could talk to him about it honestly, but you’re worried that he’ll take it badly. And nobody wants to hurt their partner’s self-confidence with criticism about their body or skill in bed.

However, this kind of frustration can eat away at a relationship – both in and out of the bedroom. So it’s a good idea to find a way to talk about it. After all, there are ways he can tackle the issue, both alone or with your help.


First things first – do you talk about it yet?

If you’re already talking about the problem together, you’ve probably taken the most important step. And it should make the practical ideas below easier to try out.

If you’re reading this because it’s an issue you’ve never spoken about, it’s a different scenario. So at the end of the article, you’ll find some suggestions for approaching what can feel like a tricky conversation.


Techniques for lasting longer you can both try


1. Desensitizing sprays

image of several delay sprays used to assess the pros and cons

Desensitizing sprays are especially useful for men who have premature ejaculation because of physical sensitivity.

They contain a numbing agent which will reduce his sensitivity – usually benzocaine or lidocaine. He just needs to apply it 5 to 10 minutes before sex, and it should take the edge off the stimulation he feels.

There are many different brands, so you might find my latest delay spray reviews helpful. And the specific one we’ve had the most success with personally is promescent, which you can buy without a prescription at promescent.com.


2. Develop ejaculation control naturally

There are some effective techniques you can practice when making love to help your partner learn to control his arousal levels.

It can take time to see good results, but it’s worth trying as it can save money in the long run and avoid medication. If you work together to improve his control, there’s the potential to stop the problem rather than always relying on desensitizing products.

A relatively easy technique to try is the start and stop method, which he can practice alone and/or with you.

There are other techniques, such as the squeeze technique and kegels, but the start and stop is the one I personally has most success with.


3. Work through a self-help book together

ejaculation trainer ebook

If you’re interested in tackling premature ejaculation naturally through behavioral techniques, it can be useful to work through a self-help book.

Research into premature ejaculation has shown that men who used a self-help book improved their lasting time by several minutes. And that the effects continued months later.

You can either practice the techniques together during foreplay and sex, or leave it to him to read and learn what he needs to do in his own time.

You can find them on online bookstores – even Amazon. There are also dedicated websites with slightly cheesy and pricey self-help guides, but good nonetheless.

Have a look at my recommended premature ejaculation guides for more about them.


4. Delay condoms

trojan extended pleasure condom

Delay condoms, like the sprays, also contain a numbing ingredient. They sometimes cause problems with maintaining an erection, but do work well for some men and are a simple solution.

If your partner doesn’t have a problem wearing condoms in general, they may help his level of control. They are also very easy to find, sold in many pharmacies and most adult stores.

You can find out more about them in my desensitizing condom article.


5. Thicker than normal condoms

Most condoms can help reduce the physical sensitivity, so even just wearing a normal condom could help his ejaculation control.

And if you want to go one step further, ask him to try an extra thick condom – especially if you’re not keen on the benzocaine idea.


6. Medication

Doctors sometimes prescribe anti-depressants for premature ejaculation, as they’ve proven to be quite effective in clinical trials.

The main issue is that he would need to take them every day. Anti-depressants also come with side effects of their own. So it’s important to discuss medication options thoroughly with a doctor.

In many countries, you can now get Dapoxetine (see my review). You only need to take this one on the days you actually have sex, but still carries the risk of some side effects.


7. Foreplay, and more of it

The idea here is that you use foreplay to balance your arousal levels. Men often reach higher states of arousal quicker than women. So it can help to focus more on your pleasure at the start, rather than rushing into oral for him or penetrative sex.

So when you eventually do have sex, he won’t need to last as long, since you’ll already be more aroused from all that foreplay.

man and woman kissing on a bed

8. Use oral sex to your advantage

This can work in two ways. He could bring you to orgasm through oral sex and manual stimulation first. Or as if with the foreplay concept, he can bring you close to climax, and then switch to sex.

Both techniques work well, ensuring you get plenty of stimulation and the pressure is taken off him to be a marathon man.


9. Choose your sex positions wisely

Some sex positions might make him ejaculate much faster. Others could help him last a little, or hopefully much, longer.

The best positions are those with you on top, or sideways positions like spoons. The more challenging positions for a man to last longer tend to be the missionary, from behind on all fours, or stood up.

The idea is that it helps if a man can stay physically more relaxed, so any position which involves him tensing his core won’t help.


10. Go for the second round

Your partner is more likely to last longer the second time around. So don’t allow your sex session to end just because he finishes once.

Keep on enjoying each other in other ways, and when he’s ready to go again, he’ll hopefully have an improved feeling of control of his arousal.


11. Use lubricant

durex lubricant

If your partner feels too much physical pressure on his penis head during sex, it might make him come quicker. So if you’re not naturally well lubricated, buy a good quality lubricant to have at the ready.

And if he’s overly keen and rushing to penetrative sex, keep him at bay until you can feel you’re fully warmed up.


12. Remember to breathe

Breathing can play an important role. Remind him to slow down and take longer, deeper breaths if his breathing becomes fast and shallow.

On a wider note, try to help him keep relaxed during sex. If you feel him tensing up, relax him with some massaging movements or calming words.


13. Have sex more often

If you rarely actually have sex, he’s going to feel like a horny teenager when it finally happens, and all hope of solid control will be out the window.

And practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.

I know from personal experience that once a week sex tends to be over pretty quickly. But with daily sex, or near daily, it always feel easier to control my arousal levels.

image of a man and woman embracing in bed in an intimate way

14. Set the right pace

If you go straight into 5th gear from the start, your partner might struggle to contain his arousal and excitement. So try to slow down, relax and enjoy a change in pace.

He might also find it helpful to sometimes stop doing deep strokes, and just do smaller ones until he calms down a little.

And if even that’s too much, he can withdraw completely and give you some oral until his arousal levels drop down enough.


15. Work on any sexual performance anxiety

If he feels anxious and stressed about pleasing you, both the physical and mental tension can affect his lasting time.

If he feels less pressure, and that you’re happy and enjoying your sex life together, it can help him keep control.

So even if he does come very quickly every time, making him feel that you still very much enjoy your intimate times together will help in the long run.

man and woman talking in bed

What to do if you haven’t spoken to your partner yet


How severe is his premature ejaculation?

It’s useful to understand that there are different levels to the problem. Here are a few different scenarios:

  • He comes during foreplay, before you even start having penetrative sex.
  • He ejaculates very soon during sex, for example within a minute or two.
  • He lasts for a few minutes – perhaps the average time of 5-6 minutes for a man, but it’s still not long enough for you to have an orgasm.
  • It’s a mix of all of the above at different times.

A modern definition of premature ejaculation is that he comes before either you or he want him to, regardless of how long the exact time is.

But there’s a difference between a man who always comes within a minute, and one who lasts longer, but still not long enough for you to reach orgasm.


How can you talk to your boyfriend about premature ejaculation?

Complaining, teasing or insulting him isn’t going to inspire him to take action. But neither is silence.

Only you really know your own relationship, your partner and yourself. There are no magic words which will fit every situation.

But one thing is for sure – talking to him about the problem is the key to instigating change.


Why communication is important

First of all, let’s look at the reasons why communication is essential if you want your partner to improve his sexual stamina:

  • He needs to be willing to try different techniques and/or treatments. If he doesn’t accept the situation, the problem probably won’t go away on its own.
  • He might need to practice some techniques alone. Some methods for developing control need him to dedicate time to perfecting them.
  • You can’t try some of the simpler solutions like numbing sprays without him being willing.
  • Anxiety can play a role. And one of the best ways to reduce that is if he feels you’re working together to have better sex, with no judgment or pressure.

Picking the moment and having some ideas at the ready

If you already have a good level of communication, things should be easier. If you never talk about sex, now is the time to start, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

Whatever the case, there may be no easy way of saying it that doesn’t hurt his feelings a little. But there are steps you can take to contain his embarrassment:

  • Find a moment when you’re both relaxed and feeling connected.
  • If you tell him you want to do something to help him last longer, have some ideas at the ready.
  • Frame it as a fun thing to work on together. See it as a challenge to have an even better sex life.
  • Be honest about how you feel, but also start by telling him how much you love, like, fancy, respect or care for him. And importantly, how much you enjoy being intimate with him. He may feel bad or relieved when you bring it up, but remember to make him feel that you want to be physical with him.

It’s up to you to work out how to talk to him, just remember to speak in a way that doesn’t come across as judgmental, blaming or critical.

It’s about making him feel wanted, and at the same time that you’re a team who can work together to have the best possible sex.

With some calm, loving words, you can reduce the chance of him feeling bad. And increase the chance he’ll both listen to you and agree to work on it with you.


Your thoughts

Is this an issue for you? What have you tried, or are thinking about trying to deal with the issue? Feel free to share your experience in the comments below!

190 thoughts on “What To Do If Your Boyfriend Finishes Quickly During Sex”

  1. I’m reading some of these other ladies’ comments and i’m seeing a trend in their partners losing stamina throughout the relationship. I’m in the same boat right now. My guy used to go for a good ten minutes or so to now finishing in seconds almost every time. On occasion he’ll be able to last a minute or two but its rare. So my question is how much of this is mental? Also could it be a fetish? Quickies are obviously a thing and great sometimes, but not always. I know i’ve joked after quickies in the past about how good i am down there for him as I’m sure maybe a lot of other women have maybe done (again sometimes its super flattering and makes you feel good about yourself that you can please them so fast). so i guess i just wonder if its a turn on now. I’ve spoken to him about wanting it longer so he obviously knows and i don’t think its on purpose.

    1. Ethan Green

      Hi Kelly
      Thanks for sharing your experience. I agree there is a trend in the comments, and not a good one generally! My feeling is that it’s probably less of a fetish in most cases, and more likely to be a combination of making less effort to control themselves and knowing through experience which position and movement feels best.
      Ethan

      1. So you think he knows what feels good to make him climax and he either doesn’t try hard enough to slow it down or has conditioned himself to where he can’t control doing it anymore? I’ve asked him to try and last longer several times before to no avail. Would you say he’s just developed premature ejaculation after not having an issue in the past? For a good year he did fine lasting 10+ minutes. It also seems from what you’re telling me there may not be a way to control it at this point if its something he acquired. I’m gonna tell him very straight forward to last as long as he can hold out for to find out if its fixable.

        1. Ethan Green

          Hi Kelly
          That might be the case, but I can’t say for certain obviously. Sorry if I gave the impression I don’t think it can be controlled – that’s not what I meant. I think it is is possible to improve – if he’s willing to make the effort.
          Ethan

  2. The best answer ever:

    13. Have sex more often

    If you rarely actually have sex, he’s going to feel like a horny teenager when it finally happens, and all hope of solid control will be out the window.

    And practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.

    I know from personal experience that once a week sex tends to be over pretty quickly. But with daily sex, or near daily, it always feel easier to control my arousal levels.

  3. Mrs Thompson

    I have tried everything from soft kisses to grinding. And my sex positions are like omg. There’s not one sex position we have not tried. The hand stand is his favorite though. But when I grind on him he cums in 1.2 seconds. Usually when I’m grinding on him I will go in between the grinding and soft kisses . And before I can go any further it’s to late. So by the second round I’m trying again from the kisses to the sucking of his ear and the kissing of his pelvis and back up to start the grinding process again but then pop. We never get further then that.

  4. I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 months now, he is nice but def struggles with being a quick cummer. Usually its 30 seconds or less, sometimes about a minute. If we do oral it’s usual just oral or he loses it upon entry. How much work is it to help a guy develop more stamina? I’m just on the fence about continuing seeing him or if its best to find someone who is already capable in that area of satisfying my needs.

    1. Ethan Green

      Hi Jessica
      Well, it depends. If he’s willing to try a product like a spray or delay condom, it’s no more work than buying it and applying it. For natural techniques, it depends on what you try. The key is communication, otherwise nothing will change.
      Ethan

    2. Sarah Watts

      My boyfriend struggles with this. When we first started dating it was the issue of it having been a while, and probably a little performance anxiety. Once our relationship settled and we went from pretty much daily to once in a while it became so short and it was always when I was so so close. He actually researched on his own and chose to go down on me for a long time and is even able to make me cum from oral (never could before). Maybe have him go down and stay down till you’re close or try the stop and start. Or maybe have sex more often? Whatever works!

  5. My partner doesn’t last very long during intercourse, a min 2 at max. Although he’ll give oral to me id like to be able to enjoy actual sex. I never give him oral now as it means we won’t even have sex and due to busy lives sex is once weekly only and only then because I insist.

    1. Ethan Green

      Hi Rachy
      Have you tried any of the techniques in the article? Have you talked to him about trying any techniques?
      Ethan

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