What To Do If Your Boyfriend Finishes Quickly During Sex

sensual photo of a man and woman kissing on the bed
It’s a dreaded feeling that I know only too well: the frustration of my boyfriend once again coming too quickly when we have sex.

The worst thing is knowing that your sex life is suffering because of this one problem, but not being sure what to do about it.

You wish you could talk to him about it honestly, but you’re worried that he’ll take it badly. And it feels mean to criticize him too strongly; you don’t want to make him feel inadequate and ruin his self-confidence.

If that sounds all too familiar, this article will help you deal with the problem in a positive and effective way.

First things first – are you talking about it yet?

If you’re already talking about the problem together, you’ve probably taken the most important step. And it should make the practical ideas below easier to try out.

If you’re reading this because it’s a problem which you’ve never spoken about, it’s a different scenario. So at the end of the article, you’ll find some suggestions for approaching the conversation.

1. Desensitizing sprays

image of several delay sprays used to assess the pros and cons

Desensitizing sprays are especially useful for men with premature ejaculation due to physical sensitivity. If your partner agrees to try one, it can make a significant difference to his ejaculation control.

They contain a numbing agent which reduces his sensitivity – usually benzocaine or lidocaine. He just needs to apply it 5 to 10 minutes before sex, and off you go.

There are many different brands, so you might find our reviews of the best delay sprays helpful. And the one we’ve had the most success with personally is Promescent.

2. Develop ejaculation control naturally

There are some effective techniques you can practice when making love to help your partner learn to control his arousal levels.

It can take time to see good results, but it’s definitely worth it. If you work together to improve his sexual stamina, this way has the potential to actually cure it rather than relying on desensitizing products.

One technique you can get started on straight away is the start and stop method, which he can practice alone and/or with you.

There are other techniques, such as the squeeze technique and kegels, but the start and stop is arguably the best.

3. Work through a self-help book together

ejaculation trainer ebook

If you’re interested in tackling premature ejaculation naturally through behavioral techniques, it can be useful to work through a self-help book.

Research into premature ejaculation has shown that men who used a self-help book improved their lasting time by several minutes. And that the effects continued months later.

You can either practice the techniques together during foreplay and sex, or leave it to him to read and learn what he needs to do in his own time.

Have a look at our recommended premature ejaculation self-help books to find out more.

4. Delay condoms

trojan extended pleasure condom

Delay condoms, like the sprays, also contain a numbing agent. They sometimes cause problems with maintaining an erection, but do work well for some men and are a simple solution.

If your partner doesn’t have a problem wearing condoms in general, they may help his level of control. You can find out more in our article about benzocaine condoms.

5. Thicker than normal condoms

Most condoms can help reduce the physical sensitivity, so even just wearing a normal condom could help him last longer than without one.

And if you want to go one step further, get him to wear an extra thick condom – especially if you’re not keen on the benzocaine idea.

The tradeoff is that it might drop the pleasure down a notch, so this is one you need to decide on together.

6. Medication

Doctors sometimes prescribe anti-depressants for premature ejaculation, as they’ve proven to be quite effective in clinical trials.

The main issue is that he would need to take them every day. Anti-depressants also come with side effects of their own. So even though they might work, I’m not a fan of the idea personally.

In many countries, you can now get the faster acting pill, Dapoxetine. This is only taken each time before sex, but still carries the risk of some side effects.

7. Foreplay, and more of it

Many guys are guilty of rushing as quickly as possible into sex, with good foreplay being forgotten as the years roll by. But if you can get him to agree to spend more time on this, it can make a big difference.

The idea is that you use foreplay to balance your arousal levels. Men get turned on much quicker than women usually, so it’s great if you can have him spend more time focusing on you.

If he’s willing, get him to spend lots of time arousing you. So when you finally have sex, he won’t need to last as long, since you’ll already be fully aroused from all that foreplay.

8. Use oral sex to your advantage

image of a woman lying on a bed

This can work in two ways. He could bring you to orgasm through oral sex and manual stimulation first. Or he can get you almost to the point, and then have sex once you’re already very aroused.

Both techniques work well, ensuring you get plenty of stimulation and the pressure is taken off him to be a marathon man.

9. Choose your sex positions wisely

Some sex positions might make your boyfriend ejaculate much faster. Others could help him last a little, or hopefully much, longer.

The best positions are those with you on top, or sideways positions like spoons. The worst positions are the missionary, from behind on all fours, or stood up.

The idea is that he needs to keep relaxed, so any position which involves him tensing his core won’t help.

10. Go for the second round

Your boyfriend is more likely to last longer the second time around. So don’t allow your sex session to end the second he ejaculates.

Keep on enjoying each other in other ways, and when he’s ready to go again, he should last longer.

11. Use lubricant

durex lubricant

If your partner feels too much physical pressure during sex, it can make him come quicker. So if you’re not naturally well lubricated, get a good water-based lubricant to have at the ready.

And if he’s overly keen and rushing to penetrative sex, keep him at bay until you can feel you’re fully warmed up.

12. Remember to breathe

Breathing can play an important role. Remind him to slow down and take longer, deeper breaths if you hear him panting.

On a wider note, try to help him keep relaxed during sex. If you feel him tensing up, relax him with some massaging movements or calming words.

13. Have sex more often

If you rarely actually have sex, he’s going to feel like a horny teenager when it finally happens, and hope of calm control will be out the window.

And practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.

image of a man and woman embracing in bed in an intimate way

14. Set the right pace

If you go straight into 5th gear from the start, your partner might struggle to contain his arousal and excitement. So try to slow down, relax and enjoy a change in pace.

He might also find it helpful to sometimes stop doing deep strokes, and just do smaller ones until he calms down a little.

And if even that’s too much, he can withdraw completely and give you some oral while he recovers.

15. Work on any sexual performance anxiety

If he feels anxious and stressed about pleasing you, both the physical and mental tension can affect his lasting time.

If he feels less pressure, and that you’re happy and enjoying your sex life together, it can help him keep control.

So even if he does come quickly every time, making him feel that you still enjoy the physicality will help in the long run.

If you think he struggles with anxiety, have a read of this longer article about sexual performance anxiety, and see if he’ll look at it too.

man and woman talking in bed


What to do if you haven’t spoken to your partner yet


How severe is his premature ejaculation?

It’s useful to understand that there are different levels to the problem. Here are a few different scenarios:

  • He comes during foreplay, before you even start having penetrative sex.
  • He ejaculates very soon during sex, for example within a minute or two.
  • He lasts for a few minutes – let’s say the average time of 5-6 minutes for a man, but it’s not long enough for you to have an orgasm.
  • It’s a mix of all of the above at different times.

A modern definition of premature ejaculation is that he comes before either you or he want him to, regardless of how long the exact time is.

But there’s a difference between a man who always comes within a minute, and one who lasts longer, but still not long enough for you to reach orgasm.

How do you tell your boyfriend he comes too quickly?

Complaining, teasing or insulting him isn’t going to inspire him to take action. But neither is silence.

Only you really know your own relationship, your partner and yourself. There are no magic words which will fit every situation.

But one thing is for sure – talking to him about the problem is the key to instigating change.

The reasons why communication is important

First of all, let’s look at the reasons why communication is essential if you want your partner to improve his sexual stamina:

  • He needs to be willing to try different techniques and/or treatments. If he doesn’t accept the situation, the problem probably won’t go away on its own.
  • He might need to practice some techniques alone. Some methods for developing control need him to dedicate time to perfecting them.
  • You can’t secretly attack his penis with a numbing spray – he needs to agree to use it.
  • Anxiety can play a role. And one of the best ways to reduce that is if he feels you’re working together to have better sex, with no judgment or pressure.

Picking the moment and having some ideas at the ready

If you already have a good level of communication, things should be easier. If you never talk about sex, now is the time to start, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

Whatever the case, there may be no easy way of saying it that doesn’t hurt his feelings. But there are things you can do to limit his embarrassment:

  • Find a moment when you’re both relaxed and feeling connected.
  • If you tell him you want to do something to help him last longer, have some ideas at the ready.
  • Frame it as a fun thing to work on together. See it as a challenge to have an even better sex life.
  • Be honest about how you feel, but also tell him how much you love, like, fancy, respect or care for him. He may feel bad or relieved when you bring it up, but remember to make him feel wanted.

It’s up to you to work out how to talk to him, just remember to try and talk in a way that doesn’t come across as judgmental, blaming or critical.

It’s about making him feel wanted, and at the same time that you’re a team who can work together to have the best possible sex.

With some calm, loving words, you can reduce the chance of him feeling bad. And increase the chance he’ll both listen to you and agree to work on it with you.

Your thoughts

Is this an issue for you? What have you tried, or are thinking about trying to deal with the issue? Feel free to share your experience in the comments below!

186 comments

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  1. Well I personally find it extremely hot! I really like it a lot of times when I make my man pop straight away. Makes me feel powerful and sexy. Sometimes I’ll tease him about it (not in a mean way) and I think it turns him on even more and will make him lose it. Sometimes I even make a game of it if I want a quickie and see how quick I can finish him. I’ll say things like “wow last time you had already finished by now 10 seconds in” just little teases. I win every time (: let’s hear some positivity here. Any other girls share my view?

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Vivian!
      Brilliant! It’s been a while since someone left a comment like yours, and I love it! I think you’re right in that it’s not always a bad thing, and can make you feel pretty awesome. I guess it’s about changing perspective – it’s not that he can’t last, it’s that you’re just so damned good, you MAKE it happen:-)

  2. I’m basically frustrated I feel like cheating, every time I get horny and we make love he comes under a minute. I don’t enjoy sex anymore and he’s not even ready to listen. He doesn’t even care.

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Georgina
      Sorry to hear that. You deserve to have a good love life, and at the very least a man who will listen to you. I would suggest telling him that it’s a serious issue for you, and that he needs to listen to you and talk to you. If that’s a problem generally in your relationship, it needs to be addressed before you can expect your sex life to improve.

  3. Anonymous

    I’ve been with my husband for 8 years now. And we are still dealing with this problem. We’ve tried everything. I hate that something that should be so natural and passionate requires so much work. I hate the stopping and going it’s annoying and ruins the experience for me. We’ve also tried oral or manual foreplay but it’s not enough for me to orgasm from foreplay. I want the D. He’s the only person I’ve ever had sex with so it’s very disappointing. And honestly I’m starting to hate sex.

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi there
      I understand, and you’re right – it sucks that sex can be frustrating. The good thing is that it sounds like he’s willing to work on it. Many men refuse to do anything about it and get annoyed or upset if you bring it up. So at least there’s hope there! When you say you’ve tried everything, what do you mean? Let me know what you’ve done, and I’ll tell you if there’s something you’ve missed.

  4. Kristina

    I’ve had sex with 7 guys and 6 of them have cum within the first minute, every time we’ve had sex. Not sure what’s going on or if I’m doing something wrong . They have all commented that I’m really tight down there and that’s why they came so quickly but I don’t know what to believe . Their theory doesn’t make much sense because the guy that didn’t cum right away was the biggest down there of all of them (the only black guy). You would think that I’d be the tightest to him since he was hung like an elephant, but he held out the longest. I was actually the one that came early in that situation. Haha oops (got a little messy). But he was the only guy I’ve been able to cum with from sex. Which kind of sucks because he turned out to be an asshole and had sex with like three of my best friends . I’m dating a different guy now that I really like and he has the same problem of cumming fast but we’ve been taking some advice and he has been pulling out whenever he feels it coming on. Only problem is that it’s hard for me to get a rhythm going because he keeps pulling out every few seconds after the first minute. And when I tell him to keep it in and keep going he’ll cum almost instantly inside of me. I can’t even begin to start down the road of having an orgasm. Oh well, thank God for oral tho. Haha

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Kristina
      If they all said it, then there’s a good chance there’s some truth to it. In which case, I recommend making sure you spend tons of time on foreplay with your new guy, get him to give you manual and/or oral before intercourse, and use plenty of lube. Those are all good things for men to do if they have PE anyway, and of course, fun for you…
      The issue of pulling out all the time sounds like there’s something wrong in the technique. Once he reaches the point of no return, it’s likely he will need to rest constantly. The idea is to not get right to that point and then try to manage the crisis. It’s better to go slow and stop before the point of near orgasm, change positions etc. Have a read of other articles on this site too as you’ll find lots of useful advice you can both use.
      Karen

  5. Wow, after reading this article all I could think is how pathetic it is that the male ego is so fragile, that women have to find the right time and place and yada yada to have this talk… That men are so thick headed that they haven’t figured out themselves that one minute of sex is inadequate. These men should be researching and solving the problem on their own and should be the one initiating the conversation with their girlfriend, not having their girlfriend research it and then tip toe around the subject on eggshells… Real winners.

    Ladies, there are plenty of men out there with great stamina and staying power, so my advice is that if you love sex and want it for longer than 5 minutes, find someone else… There are women who dislike sex and will be completely happy with your two pump chump. It sounds like using the techniques in this article might increase his stamina from 1-2 minutes up to 3-5 minutes… Is that really what you want? Only two minutes longer? No, you want someone who can last 10-20 minutes (or even hours) and those men are out there! You will spend your entire relationship unsatisfied sexually and life is too short for that. I speak from experience. A two minute man will never turn into a two hour man, even with practice and thick condoms. I know it sounds harsh, but cut your loses and move on. If you don’t you will always feel that you are sacrificing or giving up something you love (and deserve) for the sake of your relationship, which isn’t fair to either party.

    If I am wrong and you know someone in real life who has increased their stamina from 2 minutes to 2 hours, please let me know how. Thanks!

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi there
      I’m sure there will be some women who read your comment and are grateful for the brutal honesty of your opinion! I also think it’s your choice to leave a man who doesn’t do it for you in bed, and who doesn’t try to improve, if that’s what happens.
      However, there are also many women who genuinely don’t want to leave their partner because of this issue, and who prefer to be tactful rather than shove his ‘failure’ in his face.
      You’re wrong about men only lasting a couple of minutes longer with the techniques in the article. Men can last much longer, especially as sometimes there’s a specific problem causing it which can be fixed, or just a lack of knowledge that needs some improving, allowing them to go back to a healthy sex life.
      Karen

  6. I love my wife so much and we stay together and I want to please her I cum quick sometimes well a lot soon as I put it in and she says its OK and she loves me but I jus want to go longer and know I’m pleasing her from my point of view

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi David
      The tips in this article should help you. But there’s lots of advice on this site if you explore it. and go from there.
      Karen

  7. Hello,
    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We have had our ups and downs so when we really settled down the sex was amazing and passionate but now it feels like he is not pulling his weight in the bed room. In past relationships I was always the instigator when it came to sex but with him I like it when he starts it. In one of our reacent conversations he brought up to me that he doesn’t like starting it because it make him feel like I’m not attracted to him when whole time I’m horny waiting for him to make that move but I understand where he coming from but lately it’s just been frustrating I been making that move and get him hard and do oral and he cum or when we have sex it last 5 minuets and I just be disappointed I put in all this work and it over that quick. Lately i just been going into the bathroom after and making myself cum so I’m like what’s the point of me having sex if I’m not satisfied. I don’t want us to fall off but Since we been together he has only done oral one time and it’s not that big of a deal but I would like it every so often at least twice a week. I know I always please him but as for me no I like oral, kissing, different positions/places and the biggest one is make me orgasim before him just by using his hand and the sex would feel so much better for the both of us but how do I bring it up and not looking like since he brought up an issue I wasn’t doing and come back at him with my problems. His birthday is next week so ima try to throw a couple of hints people have told me to get him cock rings to help his not cum as fast thought it was something simple, fun and get him thinking he need to try new things

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Sia
      I can understand your frustration. I think there are several issues here – he’s not fulfilling your desire/fantasy about taking the lead. He’s not doing things you like, such as oral and other positions. And he comes too quickly, leaving you unsatisfied. So really, there’s a lot going on for you there. And I think the only way to deal with that is with good, honest, non-judgmental communication. You need to find a time and a place when you’re both feeling intimate, calm and close. Then start with some positives – tell him how much you enjoy his company, love him or like him, find him attractive, enjoy being intimate. And there are things you’d like to do more of because you enjoy it so much. Start slow and see how he reacts, but the key is to mix positive with suggestions and desires.
      You could definitely buy him a cock ring – it’s a fun toy to try. But it might not help that much with his lasting time – if anything, they help more with keeping a harder erection. But you’re right in that it opens the door to trying new things, which is a positive!
      Karen

  8. Hi there, thank you for being so willing to respond to comments.
    My sexual partner was a virgin before me, and we had sex for the first time three months ago (I had one previous sexual partner). We usually only have sex once or twice a week because our schedules are both a little hectic with work and university. He is so willing to put in effort when it comes to foreplay and making me orgasm through foreplay, but the actual act of sex (which I enjoy more than anything!) is less than a minute. He doesn’t seem to think it’s a problem because he makes the effort to make me orgasm through manual stimulation, but I feel that the act of sex should be the main event… not foreplay. I’m really not satisfied with our sex life and I feel like I’m being selfish because he does make me orgasm, just not through sex which is what I really want. I don’t know how to tell him that I’m not satisfied with how long he lasts when we’re having sex. I kept thinking that maybe he’s still unaccustomed to sex because he was a virgin previously, but it’s been three months and he still cums in under a minute. How do you think I should approach this without bruising his ego?

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi there
      I totally understand your concern – it’s not an easy one! One thing to start with – I recently wrote an article specifically discussing the art of communicating about sex. You might find that useful after reading this reply as well.
      I think the key is to be positive about the things you love doing together. And then go on to say how you love sex so much with him, and it feels so great, that you want to do more of it. Hopefully that can lead to a conversation about things you can do together to make it last longer. Then you can suggest some of the ideas in the article.
      3 months isn’t that long, and it can take a guy much longer to really get used to sex with his partner so he naturally starts to last much longer without even putting any effort it – especially if you only have sex a couple of times a week. He’s probably super excited when it happens, that it’s very difficult for him to hold back, even if he’s trying to. Even a guy with good control will struggle more if he only has it once a week. So, it might help if you can find a way to have it more often. And if not, when you do see each other, take the lead and have sex more than once in that day – try for 3,4,5 times and you’ll probably find he lasts much longer each time.
      On another note, there is an argument that sex is everything combined, not just intercourse. And although it’s understandable that you’d want intercourse for longer than a minute, if you do enjoy the entire event, and you really like him, then that’s a good base to work on. 3 months isn’t that long really, so maybe be patient, talk to him, try my suggestions and give him more time:-)
      Hope that helps a little!
      Karen

  9. Thanks for the great advice! Really appreciate the suggestions, and hope they can help me and my partner. C

  10. I’ve been with my boyfriend for more then a year now. We love each other. At the beginning sex was incredible. But now I feel like I’m the only one who thinks about sex. We maybe have sex once a week, maybe. Sometimes I would ask him if he wants to do it and he often tells me that he’s too tired or its to late in the night. And when we do it, usually it’s me on top and he would cum in not even 2 mins.. I’m really frustrated, I don’t have orgasm…I try to have some foreplay and everytime he doesn’t start it, I’m the one who does the first move and even then he doesn’t touch me at all. I have to grab his hand and bring them on my lower back. Then we would have some for play for like 3 mins… And back to that 2 mins sex again… I don’t know what to do..

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Jade
      Sorry to hear this. If it’s gotten to this point in just a year, something really doesn’t feel right. I think you need to have a proper talk with him to find out what’s changed. Maybe he is genuinely tired a lot, in which case you could try to agree to have more morning sex rather than wait till the night. But I think you need to find out what’s going on in his head, and that requires letting him know, nicely but seriously, that you’re not happy with the current situation.
      Karen

  11. I was in a relationship for several years and almost every time we had simultaneous orgasims and he was the first person I enjoyed sex with. Now I’m with my boyfriend of 6 months and I think I’ve only orgasimed twice? I don’t know what to do because I know it’s hard for me to orgasim but I also know how easy it had been in the past. How do I even approach the topic with him? I don’t want to offend him, especially because I feel like he has some insecurities because my ex was a tall lumberjack kind of guy and my current bf isn’t.

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi there
      I can understand the difficulty – men who measure themselves against their partner’s ex can be difficult to talk to without that playing a part in some situations. You say you find it difficult to orgasm, but in the past had simultaneous orgasms a lot. So presumably you know what it takes for it to happen. Is it not happening now just because of him finishing too quickly, or are there other things he is or isn’t doing that’s preventing you from getting there? Whatever the case, the key is going to be communication. As I said in the article, the best thing is to try and make it a positive conversation, making sure he knows how much you’re into him, how you want more sex with him because you like him so much, and so ‘let’s try these things’ to make it even better. Work with him, get him onside and don’t turn it into a criticism or battle – if you can!

  12. Ethan Green

    Hi Tammy
    Unfortunately, it does seem that guys don’t always take too well to having ‘that conversation’ about their performmance! Be gentle with him though and remember he’s probably quite upset about it really. Hopefully he’ll agree to some of the ideas you present.
    Ethan

  13. Good day

    Am really worried about my relationship,when it comes to sex my fiancee ejaculate fast before I climax or he don’t climax at all.he take only 10minutes m worried.

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Letago
      10 minutes is a good amount of time statistically speaking. The problem is that it’s not enough time for you to climax though. Have you spoken to him about doing other things, like longer foreplay, oral sex and manual stimulation etc? And on the times he doesn’t climax, does he just stop, or do you manage to climax those times?

  14. Hi thank you so much for this article. I have had issues with my bf since the beginning and am growing desperate. We haven’t spoken much about it, as to be honest I didn’t really know if there was much that could be done because his problem is so severe. But after reading this, I am defo going to talk to him!

    1. Karen Martinez

      Hi Ruthie
      You’re welcome! Do talk to him – there’s lots you can do to tackle the issue, but it does require both of you to work on it together.
      Good luck!

  15. Thank you for sharing these ideas. My bf always finishes way before me and it’s driving me crazy. i hope he’s willing to try some of these ideas.

    1. Ethan Green

      Hi Tina
      You can only try. If he’s willing to work with you on some of these ideas, then there’s no reason you shouldn’t see some change.
      Ethan

  16. This is really embarrassing after last night..i am 29yr old and I can’t even last 2mins despite using Vega pills..my girlfriend is on the verge of leaving me because of this..please what seem to be wrong with me or is it because I masturbate? please help me

    1. Ethan Green

      Hi Mark
      First off, Vega pills are meant for erection problems, not premature ejaculation. Sure, sometimes they help some guys with that issue as well, but not always.
      Second, it’s probably not because you masturbate. I’d say continue masturbating, but try to make yourself do it slowly. You personal masturbation time is a great opportunity to learn to control yourself better.
      Third, there are lots of techniques on this site to help you last longer. You’re reading the article Karen wrote for women specifically, but the advice is still really useful for guys to follow.
      I’d also suggest that if your partner is on the verge of leaving you, you can either decide she’s not the one for you if she doesn’t love you enough to try to work with you on this problem. Or you can talk to her and tell her you want to do something about it, and want her help to try some new ideas and techniques in bed.
      Alternatively, try working as quick as you can on these techniques, or get yourself some desensitizing product to see if you can make a change before she has enough!
      Personally, I’d not put so much stress on yourself though. I’d talk to her, suggest trying new ideas together. And if she’s not open to communicating with you and working as a team, well…maybe she’s just not the one for you…
      Ethan

  17. Nesloma

    I started dating a guy recently and he’s amazing in every way! The only issue that I’m facing right now, is that he seems to have a difficult time getting hard and then when he does, he ejaculates almost as soon as he puts it in and then struggles to get it up again, so that I can try and orgasm.
    He’s open to talking, and he’s open to working on it, which is one of the reasons I think he’s so amazing!
    Before him and I met, he was single for about 11 years. I’m not really sure of his dating habits, but from what I gather, he didn’t do much of it (too busy with getting his degree, education was just way more important). This sounds a little mean or harsh when I say it out loud, but part of me wonders if he gets so excited, because I think In the looks department, I’m (according to societal standards) very much out of his league.
    Do you have any suggestions of what could help? I keep seeing to have him take care of himself more often, but is it possible that doing it too much can cause him to lose stamina?
    He’s open to suggestions and normally, I wouldn’t even deal with this with a guy, but I really feel differently about this one and want so badly to make it work.
    Thank you!!

    1. Ethan Green

      Hi Nesloma
      Well, the main thing is that he’s open to talking about it, which is fantastic. That means that with a bit of trial and error, it shouldn’t be too difficult to find something that helps.
      Having erection problems followed by premature ejaculation is quite common, and kind of makes sense in an annoying way. Often when a guy struggles to get it up, he tries to flex the pelvic floor muscles to pump blood in. However, those same pumping muscles also lead to ejaculation. So it’s like the solution to one problem is the direct cause of the second problem. Perhaps tell him that for starters! If he’s pumping/flexing/contracting the muscles as the base of his penis, it’s great for getting an erection, but terrible for controlling the ejaculation.
      Instead, it’s better to try and relax and wait for the erection to come naturally, or find another way to help with the erection problem that doesn’t involve pumping. You can help with that by taking the pressure off him to get an erection in the first place. And that means changing the focus of sex from being all about penetration and being about the whole experience – enjoy lots of foreplay, manual and oral together over a longer period of time. Then he might just get an erection naturally at some random point. And if he doesn’t don’t make him feel bad about it – just enjoy the other stuff together.
      If he continues having problems with his lasting time, well just have a good look around this site – there are tons of ideas here. However, I’d avoid condoms or sprays as they can result in erection problems too.
      Hope that helps!
      Ethan

  18. I love my boyfriend, I really do. When we met we were strictly “fun” and he could make me cum sometimes if I moved my legs into the right position. Sex usually lasts less than a minute, 3-5 if I’m lucky but that’s been months. He knows about his problem, he knows I don’t cum most of the time, and he cares enough to apologize and show it makes him sad but not enough to try new things.

    We are constantly having sex missionary, him lying directly on top of me, he won’t change it. On the rare occasion I get doggy he still is lying on my back, it’s missionary from behind basically.

    When I ride which is a total of 3 times in our 8 month relationship, he will last about 2 minutes and like the others, he tries to get me to lay on top.

    He can finger me for about 30 seconds and will give me oral even less. He’s so inexperienced compared to me that when I mention changing it up or things that I would like to help improve our sex life he immediately starts self deprecating. Oh I’ll never compare to your old sex buddies or doms, your past boyfriends were better and bigger.

    I just want him to at least show he tries but I am at a loss. If he won’t talk or try anything new what am I to do? I actually stopped having sex, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I explained why one night and he felt so awful, genuinely hurt. I’m about to do it again simply because at this point I feel like a hole to stick it in. Not his partner or girlfriend, just a convenient wet place.

    Is there another way to approach this? Am I missing something or just completely dim? Help me save my relationship, please!

    1. Ethan Green

      Hi Michelle
      It’s hard to know what’s going on in his mind exactly, but it doesn’t seem like you’ve done anything wrong in trying to talk to him honestly about it.
      It’s one thing to feel bad about a problem, but another to man up and do something about it. Maybe the self-depreciating is just his defense mechanism, which could be a mix of both genuinely feeling bad about it and for whatever reason being unwilling to try other things.
      It’s unfortunate that he won’t put the effort into more foreplay or be willing to go along with your suggestions, and in some ways feels a bit lazy to me. Perhaps though it also makes him feel less of a man if he relinquishes control to you in bed.
      I think it’s important to talk to him again and tell him how you feel. Perhaps he needs a stronger wake up call that it’s affecting your relationship. Maybe you can try the classic technique of first telling him all the stuff you love about him, praising the good things and complimenting him on the physical things that he does well – even if you have to exaggerate them a bit – and then tackle the criticism.
      Ethan

    2. Omg the missionary on the back!! That is the worst but hey i also have a boyfriend who i always tell him that he ejaculates too quickly ive asked him about it and he says he does not know the cause imagine he only puts it inside like once then boom he has cum 1 minute or even less…i told him to go to the mens clinic because im not having it

  19. How do I make my bf last longer? He cums fast in the positions that supposly are suppose to make him last long such as doggy style and me on top. He cums within minutes usually. The only position we can work with is missionary. He doesn’t like to give me oral. I don’t know what to do

    1. Ethan Green

      Hi Amanda
      Actually doggy style is one of the worst positions for him to last longer! And even if you’re on top, you might need to adjust the movement – for example grind more than go up and down.
      I recommend having a look at my most recent article about sex positions for longer sex, and also try to put into practice the many other tips in this article.
      Ethan

  20. My boyfriend and I have been together about a year and a half. When we started dating our sex was crazy, mind blowing even! We’ve moved in together and things are great between us, I really think he’s the one I’ll end up getting married too. Over the past few months our sex life has become kind of lame. As soon as he puts it in he cums a couple strokes after that. We’ve tried different positions and some help but it’s never more than 5 minutes. He tries to keep going after he cums and sometimes he’ll stay hard enough to last a few minutes more and other times he won’t. I’m starting to get really frustrated because I’d like to stop faking my orgasms and get back to the great sex we were having when we met. What could have made the sex change so drastically and how can we get back to that?

    1. Ethan Green

      Hi Jolie
      That’s a tough question to give you a clear answer to I’m afraid. There could be lots of reasons. Has anything changed in the way you have sex as time’s gone by? Do you have sex less frequently now? Do you have longer foreplay when you do? Was alcohol involved before, condoms or other things that can dull the sensitivity? Do you think maybe he can’t masturbate while you live together, so is more charged when you have sex? Does he seem to put less effort in than before, or do you go harder and faster than you used to?
      These are some questions to ask, all of which could play a role…and it’s not limited to just these!
      Ethan

  21. Anonymous

    Hi. I’ve been with my bf for 6 years and he always cums in like a minute. He’s really sensitive about it so anytime I bring it up he’s always like I’m such a useless let down I know you’ll leave me one day and it honestly makes me mad because I’m just trying to work on it but he makes it impossible to talk about it with! I suggested slowing down and he says it’s annoying and doesn’t work. Great.

    1. Ethan Green

      Hi there
      It sounds like a fairly standard response, and he’s maybe playing the ‘poor me’ card as a self-defense mechanism. Either that, or he is actually genuinely worried you’ll leave him on day.
      Maybe when he says it’s annoying, what he really means is that he just doesn’t know how to stop himself, and is a bit lost. Alternatively, it’s a bit selfish of him to refuse to slow down. I’m sure it’s annoying for you when he finishes so quickly! Perhaps you could tell him you’ve found a product that might help, and get a delay spray or even a desensitizing condom that you can find in many shops – if you don’t think he’ll be annoyed by that. Or send him a link to one of my articles to read – he might show annoyance, but I bet he’ll read it if he thinks the site is worthwhile checking out.
      Ethan

  22. Hi wonder if there’s any advice still going. Been with my bf for 3 years now and he always ejaculates within a minute and blames it in poor stamina… we have good foreplay etc so it’s not always bad. I love him and would love to help him but today i found a fake vagina (male stroker) in his bedroom drawer and it’s definitely been used. Is this why he only lasting so long. I fear after doing research on it it’s tighter etc. We have 2 kids I’m scared he has went to this because there’s something wrong with me when all along I thought he was the problem

    1. Ethan Green

      Hi Loo
      Definitely – I never close any of the comments here!
      First up, I personally wouldn’t be too upset he’s got a stroker. Many guys do, and even the ones that don’t probably masturbate even if they have a partner!
      Depending on why he has it, it could actually be a positive sign. Let me explain. If he knows he has problems lasting during sex, he may have started looking online for ways to deal with it. And if so, there’s a good chance he will have found sites like this one, in which I advise guys to get a stroker to practice stamina control techniques when alone.
      So if that’s the case, it means he’s trying to do something about it. Premature ejaculation can be a really embarrasing problem for guys, so it’s possible he just didn’t want to tell you about his attempts to improve it, especially if he feels awkward about the stroker.
      Another point to mention is that it shouldn’t be responsible for making him ejaculate quicker in principle. If he’s using it regularly, then it should help him last longer with you.
      Now, of course there’s the possibility that he just likes those things, in the same way many women have vibrators or dildos from before they meet their partner and continue to have one hidden away. Just because someone gets a new partner doesn’t mean they have to throw away all their solo sex toys!
      So my advice is not to get upset by this and not see it in a bad way. Instead, focus on the real problem, which is your sex life together. If you choose to tell him you found his toy is up to you, but if you do, I recommend doing it in a light-hearted way or you might find he closes down about it.
      The best thing to help him, if that’s what you want to do, is talk nicely and openly about your sex life. You can propose ideas, such as those in the article. Try to get into team mode and work on the problem together. Only together can you defeat the problem, unless of course he’s doing all the right things and using that stroker to develop his stamina in private. And in my opinion, if he is, that’s fantastic as you’ll benefit from the results.
      Ethan

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