It’s a dreaded feeling that I know only too well: the frustration of my boyfriend once again coming too quickly when we have sex.
The worst thing is knowing that your sex life is suffering because of this one problem, but not being sure what to do about it.
You wish you could talk to him about it honestly, but you’re worried that he’ll take it badly. And it just feels a bit mean to criticize him too strongly, with a risk of denting his self-confidence and making him feel inadequate.
You don’t have to suffer in silence though – you do have a right to a good sex life, and hopefully some orgasms of your own. So if this sounds all too familiar, this article will help you deal with the problem in a positive and effective way.
First things first – are you talking about it yet?
If you’re already talking about the problem together, great; you’ve already taken the most important step. If that’s the case, you’re probably looking for practical ideas that will help your partner last longer during sex.
If you’re reading this because it’s a problem which you’ve never spoken about, it’s a different scenario altogether. So at the end of the article there’s a section which should help you talk to him about it.
1) Desensitizing sprays
Desensitizing sprays are especially useful for men with premature ejaculation due to physical sensitivity. If your partner agrees to try one, it can make an enormous difference to his ejaculation control.
They contain a numbing agent which reduces his sensitivity – usually benzocaine or lidocaine. He can apply it shortly before having sex, wipe the remainder off so it doesn’t transfer to you, and then have much longer sex.
2) Develop ejaculation control naturally
There are a range of effective techniques you can practice when making love to help your partner learn to control his arousal levels and ejaculation.
It can take some time to see good results, but it’s definitely worth trying. If you work together to improve his sexual stamina, this way has the potential to actually cure it rather than rely on desensitizing products.
One technique you can get started on straight away is the start and stop method, which he can practice alone and/or with you. There are other techniques, such as the squeeze technique and kegels, but the start and stop is arguably the best.
3) Work through a self-help book together
If you’re interested in tackling premature ejaculation naturally through behavioral techniques, it can be useful to work through a self-help book.
Research into premature ejaculation has shown that men who used a self-help book improved their lasting time by several minutes, and that the effects continued months later.
You can either practice the techniques together during foreplay and sex, or leave it to him to read and learn what he needs to do to improve his stamina in bed.
Have a look at our recommended premature ejaculation self-help books to find out more.
4) Benzocaine condoms
Benzocaine condoms, like the delay sprays, also contain a numbing agent. They sometimes cause problems with maintaining an erection, but can be very helpful for some guys.
If your partner doesn’t have a problem wearing condoms in general, they may help his level of control. You can find out more in our article looking at the pros and cons of benzocaine condoms.
5) Thicker than normal condoms
Most condoms can help reduce the physical sensitivity for guys, so even just wearing a normal condom could help him last longer than without one.
And if you want to go one step further, get him to wear an extra thick condom – especially if you’re not keen on the benzocaine idea. The trade off is that it might drop the pleasure down a notch, so this is one you need to decide on together.
6) Premature ejaculation pills
Doctors sometimes prescribe anti-depressants for premature ejaculation, as they’ve proven to be quite effective in clinical trials.
The problem is though that he would need to take them every day. Anti-depressants also come with side effects of their own, which is why even though they might work, I’m not a fan of the idea personally.
In many countries you can now get the faster acting pill, Dapoxetine. This is only taken each time before sex, but still carries the risk of some side effects.
7) Foreplay, and more of it
Many guys are guilty of rushing as quickly as possible into sex, with good foreplay being forgotten as the months and years roll by. But if you can get him to agree to spend more time on this, it can make a big difference.
The idea is that you use foreplay to balance your arousal levels. Men get turned on much quicker than women usually, so it’s great if you can have him spend more time focusing on you.
If he’s willing, get him to spend lots of time arousing you, so that when you finally have sex, he won’t need to last as long, since you’ll already be fully aroused from all that foreplay.
8) Use oral sex to your advantage
This can work in two ways: he could bring you to orgasm through oral sex and manual stimulation first; or bring you almost to the point and then have sex once you’re already very aroused. Both techniques work well, ensuring you get plenty of stimulation and the pressure is taken off him to be a marathon man.
9) Choose your sex positions wisely
Some sex positions might make your boyfriend come too quickly, and others can help him last a little, or hopefully much, longer.
The best positions are those with you on top, or sideways positions like spoons. The worst positions are missionary and from behind on all fours or stood up.
The idea is that he needs to keep relaxed, so any position which involves him tensing his stomach, groin, thighs and lower back won’t help.
10) Go for the second round
Your boyfriend is more likely to last longer the second time round. So don’t allow your sex session to end the second he ejaculates. Keep on enjoying each other in other ways, and when he’s ready to go again, he should last longer second time round.
11) Use lubricant
If your partner feels too much pressure on the head of his penis during penetration, it can make him come quicker. So if you’re not naturally well lubricated, get a good water-based lubricant to have at the ready.
And if he’s overly keen and rushing to penetrative sex, keep him at bay until you can feel you’re open, lubricated and ready for him.
12) Remember to breathe
Breathing can play an important role. Remind him to slow down and take longer, deeper breaths if you hear him panting. On a wider note, try to help him keep relaxed during sex. If you feel him tensing up, relax him with some massaging movements or calming words.
13) Have sex more often
If you only have sex once or twice a week then the excitement is going to make it more difficult for him to control his ejaculation – especially if he doesn’t masturbate regularly.
Practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.
14) Set the right pace
If you go straight into 5th gear from the start, your boyfriend might struggle to contain his arousal and excitement. So try to slow down, relax and enjoy a change in pace.
He might also find it helpful to sometimes stop doing deep strokes, and just do smaller ones until he calms down a little. And if even that’s too much, he can withdraw completely and give you some oral while he recovers.
15) Work on any sexual performance anxiety
If he feels anxious and stressed about pleasing you, both the physical and mental tension can affect his lasting time. If he feels less pressure, and that you’re happy and enjoying your sex life together, it can help him keep control.
So even if he does come quickly every time, making him feel that you still enjoy the physicality will help in the long run. If you think he struggles with anxiety, have a read of this longer article about sexual performance anxiety, and see if he’ll look at it too.
What to do if you haven’t told your partner it’s an issue
How severe is his premature ejaculation?
When you say your boyfriend comes too quickly, it’s important to realize that there are different grades to the issue. Here are a few different scenarios:
- He comes during foreplay, before you even start having penetrative sex.
- He ejaculates very soon during sex, for example within a minute or two.
- He lasts for a few minutes – let’s say the average time of 5 minutes for a guy, but it’s not long enough for you to have an orgasm.
- It’s a mix of all of the above at different times.
A modern definition of premature ejaculation is that he comes before either you or he want him to, regardless of how long the exact time is.
But there’s a big difference between a partner who always comes within a minute, and a partner who lasts 5 minutes or longer, but it’s still not long enough for you to reach orgasm.
The first is possibly a bigger problem, and may or may not be harder to deal with. The second you may be able to work on together relatively easily using behavioral techniques.
How do you tell your boyfriend he comes too quickly?
Complaining or making fun of him the next time your boyfriend orgasms too soon isn’t going to inspire him to take action.
But then neither is silence.
Only you really know your own relationship, your partner and yourself. There are no magic words which will fit every situation. But one thing is for sure – talking to him about the problem is the key to instigating change.
The reasons why communication is important
First of all, let’s look at the reasons why communication is essential if you want your partner to improve his sexual stamina:
- He needs to be willing to try different techniques and/or treatments. If he doesn’t accept the situation and take some responsibility, the problem probably won’t go away on its own.
- He may need to do some solo work to understand how his body works. Many techniques for developing control need him to take some time to himself to practice them.
- There are some effective products which can help him last longer. But you can’t secretly attack his penis with a numbing spray; he needs to agree to use it.
- Anxiety can play a big role. And one of the best ways to reduce that is if your man feels he can communicate with you about sex. And that you’re working together as a team on the issue.
Picking the moment and having some ideas at the ready
If you already have a good level of communication, things should be easier. If you never actually talk about sex, or intimacy, then now is the time to start, even if it feels a little uncomfortable at first.
Whatever the case, there may be no easy way of saying it that doesn’t hurt his feelings. But there are things you can do to limit his embarrassment:
- Pick the right moment. Not just after another session where he comes too quickly, nor when either of you are stressed or busy. Find a moment when you’re both relaxed, happy and feeling connected.
- Have some ideas of what you can do to manage the problem. If you tell him that you want to do something to help him last longer, have some ideas at the ready. Don’t immediately flood him with them though. Wait and see if he’s willing to talk about it first.
- Try to be constructive and talk in terms of seeing what you can do together to work on it. Don’t just tell him he has a problem and leave it at that. See it as a challenge to overcome together.
- Be honest about how you feel, but also tell him how much you love, like, fancy, respect or care for him. He may feel bad or relieved when you bring it up, but be sure to make him feel wanted.
It’s up to you to work out how to talk to him, just remember to try and talk in a way that doesn’t come across as judgmental, blaming or critical. Try not to make him feel like a failure, and that you really enjoy being intimate with him.
It’s about making him feel wanted, and at the same time that you’re a team who can work together to have the best possible sex. It’s a fine balance to get right, I know. But with some calm, loving words, you can reduce the chance of him feeling bad and increase the chance he’ll both listen to you and agree to work on it with you.
You might also like
There are lots of treatment options for premature ejaculation, so it’s worth reading our reviews of different techniques and products. I do recommend getting a good premature ejaculation guide so you have a range of techniques to try.
And if you’re still unsure which direction to go in, it might help to read our article explaining how to choose the right premature ejaculation treatment.