It’s a frustrating feeling when your partner finishes quickly during sex and then just stops all sexual activity. It’s even worse if he says “that was amazing”, rolls over and falls asleep.
Maybe you wish you could talk to him about it honestly, but you’re worried that he’ll take it badly. And nobody wants to hurt their partner’s self-confidence with criticism about their body or ‘performance’ in bed.
However, this kind of frustration can eat away at a relationship – both in and out of the bedroom. So it’s a good idea to find a way to talk about it. After all, there are ways he can tackle the issue, either alone or with your help.
If you’re already talking about the problem together, you’ve probably taken the most important step. Most of the techniques for dealing with the problem require some level of communication – especially if you’re the one who has done the research and has some possible solutions.
If you’re reading this because it’s an issue you’ve never spoken about, it’s a different scenario. So at the end of the article, you’ll find some suggestions for approaching what can feel like a tricky conversation.
Techniques you can both try
1. Desensitizing sprays
Desensitizing sprays are especially useful for men who have premature ejaculation because of physical sensitivity.
They contain a numbing agent which will reduce his sensitivity – usually benzocaine or lidocaine. He just needs to apply it 5 to 10 minutes before sex, and it should take the edge off the stimulation he feels.
There are many different brands, so you might find my review of delay sprays helpful. And the specific one I’ve had the most success with personally is
2. Develop ejaculation control naturally
There are some effective techniques you can practice when making love to help your partner learn to control his arousal levels.
It can take time to see good results, but it’s worth trying as it can save money in the long run and avoid medication. If you work together to improve his control, there’s the potential to stop the problem rather than always relying on desensitizing products.
A relatively easy technique to try is the start and stop method, which he can practice alone and/or with you.
There are other techniques, such as the squeeze technique and
3. Work through a self-help book together
If you’re interested in tackling premature ejaculation naturally through behavioral techniques, it can be useful to work through a self-help book.
Research into premature ejaculation has shown that men who used a self-help book improved their lasting time by several minutes, and that the effects continued months later.
You can either practice the techniques together during foreplay and
You can find them on online bookstores – even Amazon. There are also dedicated websites with slightly cheesy and pricey self-help guides, but good nonetheless.
Have a look at my recommended premature ejaculation guides for more about them.
4. Delay condoms
Delay condoms, like the sprays, also contain a numbing ingredient. They sometimes cause problems with maintaining an erection, but do work well for some men and are a simple solution.
If your partner doesn’t have a problem wearing condoms in general, they may help his level of control. They are also very easy to find, sold in many pharmacies and most adult stores.
You can find out more about them in my desensitizing condoms article.
5. Thicker than normal condoms
Most condoms can help reduce the physical sensitivity, so even just wearing a normal condom could help his ejaculation control.
And if you want to go one step further, ask him to try an extra thick condom – especially if you’re not keen on the benzocaine idea.
Doctors sometimes prescribe antidepressants for premature ejaculation, as they’ve proven to be quite effective in clinical trials.
The main issue is that he would need to take them every day. Antidepressants also come with side effects of their own. So it’s important to discuss medication options thoroughly with a doctor.
In many countries, you can now get Dapoxetine (see my review). You only need to take this one on the days you actually have sex, but still carries the risk of some side effects.
7. Foreplay, and more of it
The idea is that you use foreplay to balance your arousal levels. Men sometimes reach higher states of arousal quicker than women. So it can help to focus more on your pleasure at the start, rather than rushing into oral for him or penetrative sex.
So when you eventually do have sex, he won’t need to last as long, since you’ll already be more aroused from all that foreplay.
8. Use oral sex to your advantage
This can work in two ways. He could bring you to orgasm through oral sex and manual stimulation first. Or as if with the foreplay concept, he can bring you close to climax, and then switch to sex.
Both techniques work well, ensuring you get plenty of stimulation and the pressure is taken off him to be a marathon man.
9. Choose your sex positions wisely
Some sex positions might make him ejaculate much faster. Others could help him last a little, or hopefully much, longer.
The best positions are those with you on
The idea is that it helps if a man can stay physically more relaxed, so any position which involves him tensing his core is less likely to help his ejaculation control.
10. Go for the second round
Your partner is more likely to last longer the second time around. So don’t allow your sex session to end just because he finishes once.
Keep on enjoying each other in other ways, and when he’s ready to go again, he’ll hopefully have an improved feeling of control of his arousal.
11. Use lubricant
If your partner feels too much physical pressure on his penis head during sex, it might make him come quicker. So if you’re not naturally well lubricated, buy a good quality lubricant to have at the ready.
And if he’s overly keen and rushing to penetrative sex, keep him at bay until you can feel you’re fully warmed up.
12. Remember to breathe
Breathing can play an important role. Remind him to slow down and take longer, deeper breaths if his breathing becomes fast and shallow.
On a wider note, try to help him keep relaxed during sex. If you feel him tensing up, relax him with some massaging movements or calming words.
13. Have sex more often
If you rarely have sex, he’s going to feel like a horny 20 year old when it finally happens, and all hope of solid control will be out the window.
And practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.
I know from personal experience that once a week sex tends to be over pretty quickly. But with daily sex, or near daily, it always feel easier to control my arousal levels.
14. Set the right pace
If you go straight into 5th gear from the start, your partner might struggle to contain his arousal and excitement. So try to slow down, relax and enjoy a change in pace.
He might also find it helpful to sometimes stop doing deep strokes, and just do smaller ones until he calms down a little.
And if even that’s too much, he can withdraw completely and give you some oral until his arousal levels drop down enough.
15. Work on any sexual performance anxiety
If he feels anxious and stressed about pleasing you, both the physical and mental tension can affect his lasting time.
If he feels less pressure, and that you’re happy and enjoying your sex life together, it can help him keep control.
So even if he does come very quickly every time, making him feel that you still very much enjoy your intimate times together will help in the long run.
Communicating about premature ejaculation
How severe is his premature ejaculation?
It’s useful to understand that there are different levels to the problem. Here are a few different scenarios:
- He comes during
foreplay,before you even start having penetrative sex.
- He ejaculates very soon during sex, for example within a minute or two.
- He lasts for a few minutes, perhaps the average time of 5-6 minutes for a man, but it’s still not long enough for you to have an orgasm.
- It’s a mix of all of the above at different times.
A modern definition of premature ejaculation is that he comes before either you or he want him to, regardless of how long the exact time is.
But there’s a difference between a man who always comes within a minute, and one who lasts longer, but still not long enough for you to reach orgasm.
How can you talk to your boyfriend about premature ejaculation?
Complaining, teasing or insulting him isn’t going to inspire him to take action. But neither is silence.
Only you really know your own relationship, your partner and yourself. There are no magic words which will fit every situation.
But one thing is for sure – talking to him about the problem is the key to instigating change.
Why communication is important
First of all, let’s look at the reasons why communication is essential if you want your partner to improve his sexual stamina:
- He needs to be willing to try different techniques and/or treatments. If he doesn’t accept the situation, the problem might not go away on its own (though it can do if it’s a temporary problem).
- He might need to practice some techniques alone. Some methods for developing control need him to dedicate time to perfecting them.
- You can’t try some of the simpler solutions like numbing sprays without him being willing.
- Anxiety can play a role. And one of the best ways to reduce that is if he feels you’re working together to have better sex, with no judgment or pressure.
Picking the moment and having some ideas at the ready
If you already have a good level of communication, things should be easier. If you never talk about sex, now is the time to start, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Whatever the case, there may be no easy way of saying it that doesn’t hurt his feelings a little. But there are steps you can take to contain his embarrassment:
- Find a moment when you’re both relaxed and feeling connected.
- If you tell him you want to do something to help him last longer, have some ideas at the ready.
- Frame it as a fun thing to work on together. See it as a challenge to have an even better sex life.
- Be honest about how you feel, but also start by telling him how much you love, like, fancy, respect or care for him. And importantly, how much you enjoy being intimate with him. He may feel bad or relieved when you bring it up, but remember to make him feel that you want to be physical with him.
It’s up to you to work out how to talk to him, just remember to speak in a way that doesn’t come across as judgmental, blaming or critical.
It’s about making him feel wanted, and at the same time that you’re a team who can work together to have the best possible sex.
With some calm, loving words, you can reduce the chance of him feeling bad. And increase the chance he’ll both listen to you and agree to work on it with you.
Is it wrong to leave your partner because of premature ejaculation?
Since I first wrote this article, many women have said in the comments that they’ve thought about leaving their partner because of this problem.
Here’s my take on it, for what it’s worth.
First of all, you are entitled to leave your partner if that’s what you think is best for you. It’s as simple as that in my opinion.
However, I think it’s also worth giving them a chance to fix the problem – especially if it’s someone you care about. Sure, if you meet someone in a bar and they don’t do it for you emotionally or physically that night, then whatever. Move on and find someone who gives you what you need.
But if you fall in love with someone and later discover they tend to finish quicker than you’d like during sex, or if it’s a new issue that your partner never had before (which does happen), then I personally think it’s good to give them a chance.
And by that, I don’t necessarily mean wait a year and see if it magically goes away. I mean talk to them about how you feel about your sex life, be honest (but kind) and see if they are the kind of person who cares enough and is open enough to find a solution.
Importantly, see what kind of reaction you get. Some embarrassment, shock, shame, grumpiness or awkwardness might be a reasonable reaction that you can work with.
But if he’s the kind of man who gets unreasonably angry with you because you brought it up, then it’s either one very unique sore point he has or part of a bigger problem.
How angry does he get about other things? How does he express or cope with his anger? Does he shout, insult you or simply ignore you disrespectfully? If so, I recommend confiding in someone you trust about your relationship and how you feel in it.
Then decide whether you’re thinking about leaving your partner purely because they don’t do it for you in bed, or because the way they approach the problem is just another example of the way they approach problems in your relationship.
Sorry to end with doom and gloom and drama, but I thought it was important to offer my thoughts on something I’ve read many times in the comments over the years. I’m not a therapist or marriage counsellor, but I believe we all have the right to be in a happy, safe and positive relationship.
Is this an issue for you? What have you tried, or are thinking about trying to deal with the issue? Feel free to share your experience in the comments below!