It’s a frustrating feeling when your partner finishes quickly during sex and then just stops all sexual activity. It can be even worse if he tells you how great it was, just before rolling over and falling asleep.
Maybe you wish you could talk to him about it honestly, but you’re worried that he’ll take it badly. And nobody wants to hurt their partner’s self-confidence with criticism about their body or ‘performance’ in bed.
However, this kind of frustration can eat away at a relationship – both inside and outside the bedroom. So it’s a good idea to find a way to talk about it. After all, there are ways he can tackle the issue, either alone or with your help.
If you’re already talking about the problem together, you’ve probably taken the most important step. Most of the techniques for dealing with the problem require some level of communication, especially if you’re the one who has done the research and has some possible solutions.
If you’re reading this because it’s an issue you’ve never spoken about, it’s a different scenario. So at the end of the article, you’ll find some suggestions for approaching what can feel like a tricky conversation.
Techniques you can both try
1. Desensitizing sprays
Desensitizing sprays are especially useful for men who have premature ejaculation because of physical sensitivity.
They contain a numbing agent that will reduce his sensitivity, usually benzocaine or lidocaine. He just needs to apply it 5 to 10 minutes before sex, and it should take the edge off the stimulation he feels.
There are many different brands, so you might find my review of delay sprays helpful. The specific one I’ve had the most success with personally and recommend trying is Promescent, which you can find on Promescent.com.
It is one of the pricier delay sprays though, so if you’re on a tight budget, you could also consider Stud 100, which you can find on Amazon. Personally, I prefer Promescent because it absorbs better into the skin, but Stud 100 also numbs pretty well.
2. Develop ejaculation control naturally
There are some effective techniques you can practice when making love to help your partner learn to control his arousal levels.
It can take time to see good results, but it’s worth trying as it can save money in the long run and avoid medication. If you work together to improve his control, there’s the potential to stop the problem rather than always relying on desensitizing products.
A relatively easy technique to try is the start and stop method, which he can practice alone and/or with you.
There are other techniques, such as the squeeze technique and
3. Work through a self-help book together
If you’re interested in tackling premature ejaculation naturally through behavioral techniques, it can be useful to work through a self-help book.
Research into premature ejaculation has shown that men who used a self-help book improved their lasting time by several minutes, and that the effects continued months later.
You can either practice the techniques together during foreplay and
You can find them on online bookstores, including Amazon. There are also dedicated websites with self-help guides that can seem exaggerated but are packed with lots of useful tips and techniques.
Have a look at my recommended premature ejaculation guides for more about them.
4. Delay condoms
Delay condoms, like the sprays, also contain a numbing ingredient. They sometimes cause problems with maintaining an erection, but do work well for some men and are a simple solution.
If your partner doesn’t have a problem wearing condoms in general, they may help his level of control. They are also very easy to find, and sold in many pharmacies and most adult stores.
You can find out more about them in my desensitizing condoms article.
5. Thicker than normal condoms
Most condoms can help reduce the physical sensitivity, so even just wearing a normal condom could help his ejaculation control.
If you want to go one step further, ask him to try an extra thick condom – especially if you’re not keen on the benzocaine idea.
6. Medication
Doctors sometimes prescribe antidepressants for premature ejaculation, as they’ve proven to be quite effective in clinical trials.
The main issue is that he would need to take them every day. Antidepressants also come with side effects of their own. So it’s important to discuss medication options thoroughly with a doctor.
In many countries, you can now get Dapoxetine (see my Dapoxetine review). You only need to take this one on the days you actually have sex, but still carries the risk of some side effects.
7. Foreplay, and more of it
The idea is that you use foreplay to balance your arousal levels. Men sometimes reach higher states of arousal quicker than women. So it can help to focus more on your pleasure at the start, rather than rushing into oral for him or penetrative sex.
So when you eventually do have sex, he won’t need to last as long, since you’ll already be more aroused from all that foreplay.
8. Use oral sex to your advantage
This can work in two ways. He could bring you to orgasm through oral sex and manual stimulation first. Or as if with the foreplay concept, he can bring you close to climax, and then switch to sex.
Both techniques work well, ensuring you get plenty of stimulation and the pressure is taken off him to be a marathon man.
9. Choose your sex positions wisely
Some sex positions might make him ejaculate much faster. Others could help him last a little, or hopefully much, longer.
The best positions are those with you on
The idea is that it helps if a man can stay physically more relaxed, so any position that involves him tensing his core is less likely to help his ejaculation control.
10. Go for the second round
Your partner is more likely to last longer the second time around. So don’t allow your sex session to end just because he finishes once.
Keep on enjoying each other in other ways, and when he’s ready to go again, he’ll hopefully have an improved feeling of control of his arousal.
11. Use lubricant
If your partner feels too much physical pressure on his penis head during sex, it might make him come quicker. So if you’re not naturally well lubricated, buy a good quality lubricant to have at the ready.
And if he’s overly keen and rushing to penetrative sex, keep him at bay until you can feel you’re fully warmed up.
12. Remember to breathe
Breathing can play an important role. Remind him to slow down and take longer, deeper breaths if his breathing becomes fast and shallow.
On a wider note, try to help him keep relaxed during sex. If you feel him tensing up, relax him with some massaging movements or calming words.
13. Have sex more often
If you rarely have sex, he’s going to feel like a horny 20 year old when it finally happens, and all hope of solid control will be out the window.
And practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.
I know from personal experience that once a week sex tends to be over pretty quickly. With daily sex, or near daily, it always feel easier to control my arousal levels.
14. Set the right pace
If you go straight into 5th gear from the start, your partner might struggle to contain his arousal and excitement. So try to slow down, relax and enjoy a change in pace.
He might also find it helpful to sometimes stop doing deep strokes, and just do smaller ones until he calms down a little.
And if even that’s too much, he can withdraw completely and give you some oral until his arousal levels drop down enough.
15. Work on any sexual performance anxiety
If he feels anxious and stressed about pleasing you, both the physical and mental tension can affect his lasting time.
If he feels less pressure, and that you’re happy and enjoying your sex life together, it can help him keep control.
So even if he does come very quickly every time, making him feel that you still very much enjoy your intimate times together will help in the long run.
Communicating about premature ejaculation
How severe is his premature ejaculation?
It’s useful to understand that there are different levels to the problem. Here are a few different scenarios:
- He comes during
foreplay, before you even start having penetrative sex. - He ejaculates very soon during sex, for example within a minute or two.
- He lasts for a few minutes, perhaps the average time of 5-6 minutes for a man, but it’s still not long enough for you to have an orgasm.
- It’s a mix of all of the above at different times.
A modern definition of premature ejaculation is that he comes before either you or he would like to, regardless of how long the exact time is.
However, there’s a difference between a man who always comes within a minute, and one who lasts longer, but still not long enough for you to reach orgasm.
How can you talk to your boyfriend about premature ejaculation?
Complaining, teasing, or insulting him isn’t going to inspire him to take action. Neither is silence.
Only you really know your own relationship, your partner, and yourself. There are no magic words that will fit every situation.
But one thing is for sure: talking to him about the problem is the key to instigating change.
Why communication is important
First of all, let’s look at the reasons why communication is essential if you want your partner to improve his sexual stamina:
- He needs to be willing to try different techniques and/or treatments. If he doesn’t accept the situation, the problem might not go away on its own (though it can do if it’s a temporary problem).
- He might need to practice some techniques alone. Some methods for developing control need him to dedicate time to perfecting them.
- You can’t try some of the simpler solutions like numbing sprays without him being willing.
- Anxiety can play a role. And one of the best ways to reduce that is if he feels you’re working together to have better sex, with no judgment or pressure.
Picking the moment and having some ideas at the ready
If you already have a good level of communication, things should be easier. If you never talk about sex, now is the time to start, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Whatever the case, there may be no easy way of saying it that doesn’t hurt his feelings a little. But there are steps you can take to contain his embarrassment:
- Find a moment when you’re both relaxed and feeling connected.
- If you tell him you want to do something to help him last longer, have some ideas at the ready.
- Frame it as a fun thing to work on together. See it as a challenge to have an even better sex life.
- Be honest about how you feel, but also start by telling him how much you love, like, fancy, respect or care for him. And importantly, how much you enjoy being intimate with him. He may feel bad or relieved when you bring it up, but remember to make him feel that you want to be physical with him.
It’s up to you to work out how to talk to him, just remember to speak in a way that doesn’t come across as judgmental, blaming or critical.
It’s about making him feel wanted, and at the same time that you’re a team who can work together to have the best possible sex.
With some calm, loving words, you can reduce the chance of him feeling bad. And increase the chance he’ll both listen to you and agree to work on it with you.
Is it wrong to leave your partner because of premature ejaculation?
Since I first wrote this article, many women have said in the comments that they’ve thought about leaving their partner because of this problem.
Here’s my take on it, for what it’s worth.
First of all, you are entitled to leave your partner if that’s what you think is best for you. It’s as simple as that in my opinion.
However, I think it’s also worth giving them a chance to fix the problem, especially if it’s someone you care about. Sure, if you meet someone in a bar and they don’t do it for you emotionally or physically that night, then whatever. Move on and find someone who gives you what you need.
On the other hand, if you fall in love with someone and later discover they tend to finish quicker than you’d like during sex, or if it’s a new issue that your partner never had before (which does happen), then I personally think it’s good to give them a chance.
I don’t necessarily mean wait a year and see if it magically goes away. I mean talk to them about how you feel about your sex life, be honest (but kind) and see if they are the kind of person who cares enough and is open enough to find a solution.
Importantly, see what kind of reaction you get. Some embarrassment, shock, shame, grumpiness, or awkwardness might be a reasonable reaction that you can work with.
If he’s the kind of man who gets unreasonably angry with you because you brought it up, then it’s either one very unique sore point he has or part of a bigger problem.
How angry does he get about other things? How does he express or cope with his anger? Does he shout, insult you or simply ignore you disrespectfully? If so, I recommend confiding in someone you trust about your relationship and how you feel about it.
Then decide whether you’re thinking about leaving your partner purely because they don’t do it for you in bed, or because the way they approach the problem is just another example of the way they approach problems in your relationship.
Sorry to end with doom and gloom and drama, but I thought it was important to offer my thoughts on something I’ve read many times in the comments over the years. I’m not a therapist or marriage counsellor, but I believe we all have the right to be in a happy, safe, and positive relationship.
Your thoughts
Is this an issue for you? What have you tried, or are thinking about trying to deal with the issue? Feel free to share your experience in the comments below!
Hello. I am 30 years old today. Ever since becoming sexually active in my early teens I have been known to last a long time during sex and sometimes too long, ita been a burden and a blessing at times that I last too long to the point after my girl orgasm so many times soaking the bed sheets. it’s sometimes right to just give up, she gets sore and dried out. and she and I lose interest. Sometimes due to maybe alcohol consumption is high, Masturbation that particular day, or just wanting the satisfaction of pleasing my partner over and over sometimes keeps me.going
. I have Never been able to orgasm using condoms ever and always went raw dog, and that’s probably why I am having multiple children. love my kids and always take full responsibility for it as a good.father
Children are never a.miatake, but maybe the partners I end up with it’s a mixed bag of good and bad that Now I have found for the first time in life. I can barely last 5-10 minutes even with a condom on. so now I can work on not being the father of our country
Ans Its Great for me, as it is not as much work for her or I to get me off. No more pouring sweat. but not as much for her as I used to be nearly an hour man to minutes man now. I’ve been practicing the ropes technique and prolonging orgasm for nearly an hour even with masturbation events to have a very powerful and sometimes multiple orgasms for years
I have the same Masturbation schedule for the most part and watching porn, alcohol, the same. I have Been with the same girl for some time now. So increase in being turned on seems like not a possibility and I think she may losing a bit of faith in my abilities as of late
. Is this permanent or something temporary
I just became much for sensitive lately. I only thing different is I just started sythroid for hypothyroidism and recently got laid off my job. Could any of the reasons mentioned be the cause? Or Any idea why? Just Getting older? Any one with any feedback be appreciated.
Hi Ghammy
Thanks for sharing your interesting story. To be honest, I don’t know why you suddenly had this total change in your lasting time. It’s not always easy to work out. It’s possible it’s connected to your medication, but only a doctor would be able to tell you that. I don’t know much about sythroid , but just looking at the list of possible side effects gives the impression that it can have various physiological effects.
Sorry I can’t help more!
Ethan
If your guy blows his load super fast, then you guys need to focus on your orgasm first. I’m a guy that shoots pretty quick, b/c I get worked up. When I get horny it’s like I’m the Hulk; I just get super-aggressive and can blow my load pretty fast (like 3-5 minutes of intercourse). However, I’m dominant, and I like submissive women that like to get worked over. What I do is use all of my sexual frustration to spank, pull hair, bark orders, and just man-handle my woman. The girls I’ve been with, spanking, dirty talk, and hair-pulling is our idea of foreplay. None of this slow kissing stuff. I make them bend over, spank them, put them into no-win situations that they struggle against… basically trigger all their “submissive victim” buttons that get them wet. When she’s worked up, I’ll work her pussy over. The trick is knowing how to work a pussy well w/o using your dick. Every guy thinks just shoving his dick in will magically make a girl have an O. Some get lucky. Others know what they’re doing. If you know what you’re doing, then you can make her O each and every time. Put your two middle fingers in her from the front and pull out from her to hit her g-spot. (eg: if she was laying on the bed, you’d insert your fingers and pull upwards, like you’re trying to lift her off the bed, not upwards like you’re trying to slide her up the bed). Then press back down, then up again… and build up a rhythm and pace. Eventually you’ll hit a pace that’s up-down about 4-5 times a second, and the immense pressure constantly hitting and releasing on her g-spot will make her blow in a bit. Then you work her clit over. The clit is like a penis; the sensitivity on it can change each time you have sex. Sometimes it’s the base that needs to be rubbed, other times the tip. Sometimes a circular motion works, other times a back-n-forth. You figure out what’s doing it for her and KEEP DOING THAT. Most guys will find some motion that’s working for the girl, then think “oh, yeah, she’s really into this… I’ll do THIS now and she’ll think I’m a sex god!” NO. Whatever you’re doing to get her squirming… keep doing that. Women tend to get off with steady, reliable movements they can grind against. The fastest way to frustrate a woman is to have a good motion going then just change it on her. If she’s grinding and getting close to a clitoral O, keep up the motion and let her get into the groove. If you’re with a woman that can multiple O, then you work her clit and g-spot over back-n-forth until she’s orgasmed out. THEN you bend her over or spread her and ride her to blow a huge load into her and seal the deal. If she’s had enough orgasms to leave her a mess on the bed, then she won’t care if you last 3 minutes. In fact, she’ll welcome it, b/c she’ll be too spent to have drawn-out sex. Now, if she’s the type that absolutely wants to have 30 minutes of sex using your penis to get her off… sorry. Either find another woman or go find an ED doctor that will give you drugs. What we term “ED” was an evolutionary development in some cultures where guys would get off quickly, and do so multiple times in one evening to try to ensure pregnancy. Guys that blow quickly usually get it up a bit quicker, and usually can blow 3-4 times a night. It’s just women feel that once a guy blows his load he’s done. Or she goes “omg, you blew so fast… party’s over”. No. Party’s not over. You switch to manual or oral, then come back to blow another load when you get up again. Sex is about pleasuring each other. If you blow your load in 5 minutes, and only focus on your own orgasm first, you’ll be seen as the worst lover ever. If you focus on her orgasm(s) first, then take 3 minutes to shoot a load in her after she’s spent, you’ll be seen as an amazing lover. It’s a matter of getting her off first.
Hi there
Thanks for your very entertaining, and in many ways accurate, advice. I think many women who read this article (remember it was written for women, not men!) might benefit from printing your comment and showing it to their fella – assuming they like the submissive stuff!
Ethan
My husband and I have never had orgasm. We have been together for 7 years but not stimulated in sex. He mostly cums after 2 minutes and rarely makes less than 10mins. I had a boyfriend before him with whom I could last for over 30mins sex and orgasm so I feel wasted in my libido. I have tried to tell him to improve see a doc or drop some habits like drinking alcohol. I have reached a point where I don’t even want to have sex and am wondering if the marriage will last. We already have 3 kids and currently expecting a fourth. His case I term it as selfish coz when dating he could take his time. Am even wondering if he has been seeing someone else bcoz even after staying for a week without sex his ejaculate load is so little like someone who has sex daily. What next now I so much need good sex like the one I used to have while in college over 10 years ago. I still miss the game then.
Hi Macylina
Sorry to hear you have an issue with your sex life. Unfortunately, I think as time goes by many guys do stop trying so hard to please their partner, and get used to a routine which is hard to step back from. I think maybe the best thing is to keep talking to him about how you feel. It’s not going to magically resolve without his consent to try different things, or willingness to explore other techniques. Do try the techniques in the article, as many of them can help a lot. And see if he’s willing to try out a delay spray for example. Some times they work wonders, others not. But it’s worth trying. At the end of the day though, you need to calmly and nicely let him know that it’s a serious issue for you and you want to work on it with him.
Ethan
I’ve shot small loads after masturbation and large ones. I think it’s the whole work up to it. but short or not if you get it I’m happy and will finish you one way or another
I have an absolutely amazing sex life with my boyfriend, so to not ever let the lust and hot passion fade, what are some different and out of the ordinary sex techniques I can do with my boyfriend to keep things fresh, alive and steamy? I don’t want our passion to ever fade away with time by always doing the same thing. I have to admit him cumming in my anal is soooo HOT for both of us! But what else can we try?!!!
Hi Hules
To be honest, this isn’t really the best place to ask that question! This article is more about problems with lasting time. However, there are loads of kinky things you can try – I’d suggest having an honest chat about your fantasies. You never know what you might come up as something you’d both be willing to try!
Ethan
my boyfriend comes really quickly, and once I was just hurting and I felt bad and I reacted a bit bad and told him he is selfish and these things, and hurt his confidence, but we talked about it and he felt better. but I know deep down I hurt him and i want to know how should I make it up to him or what should I do? do I have to say or do anything special in words, or during the sex?
I read the article and it was really good and I’m gonna use it and tell him too.
but beside these thing .. can you help me plz
Hi Y
Tricky question. Is it still a problem? If so, maybe the best thing you could do is just to have an honest, but calm and non-critical conversation with him – a fine balance to get right! He might appreciate it if you’re honest, but in a nice way. There are lots of things you can do together to make him last longer. But if he thinks it’s not really a massive problem, maybe he won’t do anything about it. And that then means you might say something harsh to him again in the future. So to me, the best thing would be honesty.
Ethan
My husband really come too fast idk why
Hi Toni
It could be for various different reasons. Have a go at the techniques in the article and see if they help.
Ethan
Thanks I enjoyed reading your article sir, God bless you
You’re very welcome!
Ethan
I’m not necessarily that into sex, but my boyfriend and I have it every time we see each other, sometimes multiple times. He finishes pretty quickly and he makes jokes about it, but it’s obvious that it bothers him quite a bit. And furthermore, he has never made me finish and it’s really hurting his self-confidence. I don’t care if I finish or not and I don’t care how long he lasts because sex isn’t my main concern, but I don’t like how upset he gets about it. What should I say or do to make him understand that he’s doing a fine job and that the sex is perfect the way it is?
Hi CS
That’s a very good question. To be honest, I’ve had exactly the same problem before, and as a guy it’s really hard to get the idea of our heads. Kind of impossible in fact, if you’re the kind of guy that cares about the partner’s pleasure. It’s like a symbol of sexual success that we make you orgasm, and something we just want to be able to give you and share with you. And perhaps a bit of worry that if we don’t do it, you’ll find someone who does.
My opinion would be that you’ll have more luck making him feel better if you actively work with him to find ways to get you there rather than tell him it doesn’t matter. He probably just won’t ever believe it doesn’t matter.
So you can keep telling him the sex is awesome – that will definitely help. But also agree to work together to try different things. Maybe manual or oral stimulation. Point him in the direction of things that push your buttons. Even if you’re not that into sex, I think it’s a good thing to try and get into it, both for his sake and the sake of your relationship. And who knows, with some experimentation, maybe you’ll find something that really does work and you’ll find you get into it more.
Ethan
My girl friend has got to the point where she says she’s fed up of me coming too quickly and doesn’t want to have sexual intercourse again or even be kissed on the lips. I respect her but sometimes wish I cd correct my PE. I’m taking citalopram every day and have been over a period but with little success. Can you help?
Hi Frederick
Sorry to hear it’s gotten to that point. That must be really stressful. Take a good look around this website, as you’ll find many helpful articles for these issues.
Regards
Ethan
Hi Frederick,
I am shocked about your story! My honest first reaction as I read it was “go find yourself a girlfriend who will kiss you out of love, instead out of promise of performance. I mean come on, you should not have to deal with this kind of stress and rejection!
My boyfriend also comes super quickly and of course it’s a pity for me. But for me it is not nearly as bad as for him! It is hurtful and shameful to him, although I know that he just can’t help it. To me it is nothing of those things. I always tell him that he has a fine mouth and very skilled hands and he always gets me to finish one way or the other. l
Coming to soon should not be so big a drama that it should cost you all intimacy or your self esteem. Just take a (long) break from trying, don’t numb yourself with sprays or anything, your feelings are fine as they are, period.
Take a break, take back your self worth and your self esteem and ask your girlfriend how you can get her up there in another way. And make sure that SHE takes responsibility for her own pleasure and tell you straight up how she likes it.
A little last tip: buy her a shower with multiple massage settings. Practice TOGETHER in how to let her come with that. Let her come several times in a row and should she like the following: never take out your tongue out of her throat until you have her begging you not to make her come again. She will discover that there is more to you than just your orgasm… And so will you!!!
I wish you pleasure and self confidence,
Marian (Holland)
Hi there,
I greatly enjoyed reading your article and reading all the comments and your constructive criticism.
My problem is not only the early ejaculation but also the dissatisfaction. Don’t get me wrong, my bf and I are still very aroused by each other when we are together, but when we actually have sex the foreplay lasts as long as I want to, he’s nice about that, but it doesn’t really work me up to the level so I can orgasm then or when penetration happens. Then during penetration my bf lasts a bit over 5 mins, sometimes less… It’s just not satisfying for me… Also he seems to need time to recover (usually at least an hour), which is annoying cuz I’m ready to go again and again but he’s not, so I have to ‘turn myself off’… I try to touch him again so he’ll become aroused by I’m afraid he’ll just get mad or something, after he’s told me not to touch him right after… I know he wants to make me cum while we are having intercourse but he just can’t/doesn’t. I love him to bits but he just doesn’t make me orgasm in bed. What the heck. He’s my first serious bf and I haven’t been intimate with anyone else to know what I like/makes me cum, so I can’t really give him pointers. Please any advice. Thanks
Hi Carolay
Thanks for your comment, and it’s good to hear you found the article and comments useful. It sounds to me then like perhaps you both need to go on a bit of an honest and open journey of mutual discovery – without trying to sound too esoteric! If he wants to please you, and presumably is up for trying new things, and you haven’t found what work best yet, then I think you need to have a talk about it and try new stuff – without getting annoyed or stressed if it doesn’t work out. Sometimes it can take ages for a new couple of really connect sexually and work out what works best. Without wanting to brag, and I say this to give an example, I’ve had many sexual partners and think I know what I’m doing. Yet sometimes someone comes along who just mystifies me in bed and it takes a while to work out what makes them tick. Sometimes they tell me they just need oral sex to come. But then it’s up to me to experiment over days, weeks or longer to find the exact ingredients for giving them an orgasm through oral.
Hi Ethan,
My partner and I have been together for 4 years now and we have encountered the issue of him ejaculating too quickly for the past year now. I am always understanding of the situation and recently expressed to him that sometimes it is upsetting for me when he cums too fast. Prior to saying it I ensured to tell him please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not trying to emasculate you and I’m happy with the sex we have most times. He proceeded to become very upset and withdrawn and I feel awful. I never wanted to make him feel that way but at the same time I need to communicate how I feel as a partner. He’ll hardly talk to me and it’s rather upsetting. What do I do here? Did I go about it in the wrong way?
Hi Amina
Sorry to hear you’re having communication problems because of this. To be honest, it’s such a difficult topic to address, there’s not much point in worrying whether you did it the wrong way or not. He’s probably just very sensitive about it. It sounds like you’ve been understanding and non-critical, and that’s fine. I’d give him a bit of time to calm down if he’s feeling upset about it, then try and talk to him about it again. At the end of the day, there’s so much you can both do about it, it’s not fair that you’re suffering just because he’s not willing to face up to the problem. But I would say talk to him about the options you’d like to try to see if they work. It’s good to have constructive ideas. Maybe just pick one or two to start with, such as a delay spray, and plant the seed in his mind.
Ethan
Hi Ethan,
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 8 months and we’re happy and all. Whenever we had sex during the previous months it was always exciting, passionate, and satisying. I would come and feel relaxed afterward and he would then please himself with me after he made me orgasm. But lately…I don’t know. This is the fourth time he hasn’t made me orgasm and it’s frustrating for both of us.
He tries new tactics that excites me but once he enters me and does his thing for a few minutes, I’d feel that clenching, blissful feeling and then he’d come too early and I’d experience this emptiness and then I’d get frustrated and down. Believe me, I tried fantasizing while doing the deed and it used to work but now it doesn’t really happen.
We talked about this and I am usually very honest, frank even, but nowhere near critisizing or insulting as to lower his self-esteem.
I love him so much and I am willing to talk to him about it again and see what we can do about this situation. But if you have any more helpful advice, I am open to suggestions.
I hope you reply soon!
Thanks in advance,
Liz
Hi Liz
Thanks for your comment. My initial thought is not to panic just yet – sometimes people do go through periods of not having orgasms so easily. However, it might also be that he’s more relaxed with you now, and so is subconsciously putting less effort into lasting longer. Either that or you’ve both just found a way to have sex that’s so good, he’s struggling to last!
I think it’s great you’re talking about it – now all you need to do is try out all the ideas I’ve mentioned. If you work together, you should hopefully find they make a difference. And I’d also suggest trying to find a way to relax yourself and take the pressure off! If you both worry about orgasm being the must have final result, it puts a lot of pressure on you both. So perhaps change the goal, and just set out to enjoy your time together, through lots of foreplay, manual and oral sex as well as penetration.
I hope that helps
Ethan
Hi Ethan,
When I was a university student in the ’80s, I was having sex very often, often twice daily or more. I could get an erection any time for as long as I wanted. Despite the regular exposure (pardon the pun ) I always tended to cum too quickly the first time.
The missionary position was out of the question and girl on top worked well. The longer I lasted the longer I could last, however once that inevitable feeling came I would never last long.
If I could keep going for at least 10 minutes I could then go for ages and take full control.
It seemed that the longer you oud thrust without cumming, the less sensitive my penis became and the thicker it became. I could then change to any position and ejaculate when I felt like it.
If foreplay went on too long or involved too much petting or touching, I would often cum prior to insertion or as soon as I made contact with the vulva. If I had the right partner, this didn’t matter as she would just use my semen as a lubricant and rub me up to a new erection and then I could go for ages. We both found this highly erotic.
On the other hand, if my partner became disappointed or angry or rolled over, then that was it.
I was lucky enough to come across a girl in final year who just seemed to understand how men work.
On our first sexual experience, we drove to a remote beach in a small Subaru having completed a brief petting session outside a party.
By the time we got to the beach we undressed I was ready to cum, then she said I, ll pull you off first so you dontcum too quickly and we can get down to business.
With all the worry about cumming to soon lifted I got the best hand job of my life. When I came, I confidently blew a huge load all over my self knowing that this was OK and expected. We lay together for 10 minutes and then I became erect again. She worked me up into a full hard on with my own semen often stopping to taste it. And then we mad love for hours cumming several times each
My partner now some 30 yrs later is difficult and awkward in the bedroom. Foreplay is awkward and prolonged. After a while, I begin to feel anxious or unwanted.she does not like any finger work or breast touching no matter how gentle I am. She hates oral sex but is happy to receive it. Because we rarely have sex, I cum quickly when we do due to sheer lust and desperation.
she then becomes annoyed and makes some sarcastic comment and goes to sleep. I have explained how it works but she’s not happy to do the hand job followed by the long session.
My points here are:
Don’t spend too long on foreplay or hell cum too soon. Men find long foreplay frustrating as to put it bluntly or crudely they have a built-in drive to empty their balls. This is an extremely strong desire and it gets stronger every minute.
Pull or blow him off first and then get into it, you’ll love the difference, he’ll be in full control
If he goes to sleep after the hand job just rub him up with his semen and get it happening. He’ll love it.
If you’re only having sex occasionally then don’t expect him to last very long as it’s all about regular penis in vagina experience. Just like tennis if you don’t practice a lot your game goes off.
Men tend to last longer when masturbating because they are in control of the situation and all the parameters.
The thing that makes me come too quickly seems to be the warmth of the vagina and the anxiety of underperforming.
Often it’s just been too long since the last time and I’m simply desperate.
When I think of the best sex I’ve ever had, I still only think of the girl in the final year.
Jon
Hi Jon
Thanks for your comment and for sharing your very personal story. I think you totally hit the nail on the head with your advice for women who read this article and have issues with their guy. Though not all men enjoy having their semen rubbed into their penis…
But the rest of the comment I completely agree with. I think it’s a great tactic to let the guy blow off steam so to speak and then go again.
In your case, knowing that’s what happens, can you not find a way to do it yourself before you have sex? Maybe a quick 5 mins in the bathroom before the usual time you would have sex?
Ethan
Hi there
I have been enjoying reading this page as I am in need of some advice. I have been dating this guy for almost two months and he has not yet made me climax. He gets aroused very easily to the point he won’t let me touch his penis in case he cums. Foreplay could use some work, his fingernails are long and have caused me to bleed a couple of times and he is very rough with fingering. I have had a few bruises on my breasts from him squeezing too tight. I have spoken to him about these problems and he is trying to be more gentle. When he cums he makes no sound or tells me when he’s done it so throughout the whole process I’m wondering if he’s enjoying it or if he’s cum and I’m holding him up. In past relationships I have been able to cum on one night stands and cum at the same time as the other person, it’s great…I’ve never had a problem with someone who’s been premature at ejaculating. I have done heaps of online research as to what we could do, I’m just a bit shy in talking to him about it in case I offend him. I’m really starting to like this guy and we are both already hoping that things will work out and we will end up a couple. Sex is really important to me and id hate to just go along with it if things didn’t improve. If you were in this situation, how would you tackle the problem?
Hi there
Thanks for your comment. It sounds to me like he’s a bit inexperienced to be honest. Most guys should know that fingernails need to be kept trim, fingering done in a way that pleasures, not hurts, and if bruises appear and you’re not expressively into rough sex, he should recognise and stop causing you damage. Perhaps also the silence is a sign of inexperience and lack of confidence in expression in the bedroom. And if the premature ejaculation is a problem too, it could be, though not necessarily another sign of inexperience.
If you think I’m right, then I would take the lead more. Guide him, educate him and tell him what works or not – as you seem to have started doing with the pain issues. Help him relax and open up to you and things you suggest. Then little by little you can guide him towards doing things that will help his lasting time, such as the right choice of positions, keeping the sex slow and calm at least at first, giving you long amounts of foreplay to balance the arousal levels etc. Then perhaps if that doesn’t help, in the future you can talk to him about trying other techniques out that would require him to accept it as a problem.
So that’s my advice – go subtle to start with. And if you think that won’t help, you’ll at some point just have to tell him you want to try some things to last longer – just tell him in the nicest possible “let’s work together on it kind of way.
Hope that helps
Ethan
Hi! My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now and we started having sex a little while ago. The problem is that he cums in under a min even though he might say otherwise. It’s really frustrating because I want to know how sex really feels when it goes on for a while and every time we talk about having sex over the weekend, I get so excited just to end up not getting anything out of it. I’m very confused because he lasts a good while when he or myself jerks him off, but when it’s penetration time, he cums super fast. I have talked to him about it and he seemed to just get upset. I really just want to know why he lasts a good while with masturbation and not with penetration. Thanks!
Hi Shannan
Thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear you’ve been having this issue with your boyfriend. To answer your question, it’s because guys spend years masturbating and are used to the sensation. But the pleasure, both physical and emotional, from sex is much more intense And then you can throw in all the evolutionary arguments too in that it makes sense to ejaculate faster.
Guys do find this an embarrassing problem, and he probably gets upset because he feels bad about it and internally really wishes he could satisfy you. So that embarrassment, low self-esteem, and fear of losing you will often come out as anger, resentment or a range of negative emotions.
My advice, as always, is to talk again but in the nicest possible way, and present solutions that you can try together. I’d also suggest some things like not masturbating him before sex – have the foreplay centered on you, not him. Maybe use a condom if you don’t already. Keep the positions in the ones that keep him relaxed, like you on top and spoons.
But really, the problem will only improve if he’s willing to work with you on it. Try to get him into a spirit of teamwork and exploration together of things you can do. Don’t make it out as a massive depressing problem, but a challenge to be enjoyed and overcome together!
Best of luck
Ethan
hi
i been with my partner for 5 month now foreplay always been good with him but he still comes within minutes after penetration and he knows it bother him but he seem to make excuses up but he cant go again iv talking to him but than he get upset telling me i think his no good iv tried spicing thing up as i have a very high sex drive and very open but he wont try anything new please help bc i do love him but im not satisfied in bed
thank u
Hi there
Thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear you’re having issues with your partner and that he’s having trouble accepting the problem. It’s very normal for guys to be very defensive about this, and to react angrily. Normally the anger is just hiding their embarrassment, shame or feeling of helplessness to do make things better. It’s a really tough thing for a guy to accept and decide to change.
Perhaps the way you talk to him could play a role. It needs to be done in a very tactful, loving and non-critical way. And if you have some ideas to make things better, then even better. Men are practical minded, so if you actually give him some ideas of solutions, it might be better as he will at least have the ideas in his head.
Otherwise, there are some things you can do to help him out a bit. For example, try to avoid him being on top or from behind. If you spend more time on top, or in spoons position for example, it can help keep him calm. Also, go slower and even stop for a while with him inside and just hold each other. And change position more often. Things like this can all help to keep his arousal levels in control. But really, these are just secondary ideas – at the end of the day it’s not going to get better until he takes action. Try talking to him about real solutions, like trying a delay spray or condom for example. If he’s willing to do that, then perhaps he’ll also be willing to try the natural techniques – which is ultimately what will really make a serious difference.
Above all, remember that you deserve a good sex life. Try talking to him again as nicely as possible. But eventually, you’ll have to tell him that you’re not happy with it and you want to try some of these solutions! Otherwise you’re just going to feel worse over time.
Best of luck
Ethan
My husband and I have been married five years and together for six. When we first started having sex I noticed he came very soon. Sometimes before he even really actually penetrates. At first this did not seem like a big deal to me. We do enjoy foreplay, we have used toys, oral (but that doesn’t really do it for me), and of course clitoral stimulation so that I orgasm before actual intercourse. However, this method is getting boring after years of the same thing. I have tried to spice things up to get myself more into the mood, but that leaves my husband in an even worse position and the problem is even worse, It has escalated to the point where I just no longer want to have sex. I feel it is always a disappointment. He refuses to go to a doctor and I have even begged him to masturbate in the shower hoping that relieves some of the issue, but he only does this a couple times a week, always citing an excuse. He cannot have sex more than one time in a night claiming he needs recovery time of at least 24 hours. I am at a loss of what to do. Do you have any suggestions that I haven’t tried? In reading your article, I have never heard of the delay sprays before, but I do not think I understand how that works? If it numbs his member and then we have intercourse won’t the numbing rub off on me leaving me numb as well?
Hi there
Thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear things have gotten to is point for you. As with many previous readers, it’s a shame but understandable when it gets to the point where you no longer want to have sex. There probably are lots of things you haven’t tried, but the reality is that he needs to be willing to try them himself. As for delay sprays, he would need to apply it, then wash off any residue. That will help ensure it doesn’t transfer to you.
The 24-hour thing could be true – some guys just don’t have such a high libido, which is obviously also a problem if you have a higher libido. So perhaps even more care needs to be taken to extend his arousal levels before it’s all over for him and he doesn’t want more sex.
If he’s willing to try, then the natural techniques to understand his arousal levels and gain control alongside a desensitizing spray would be a good way forward. But if he’s not willing to learn about those techniques, then you could at least get a spray and present it to him with a simple choice to try it out.
Finally, I would also suggest being honest about how you feel to him. You deserve a good sex life, or at the very least an attempt to make it better. So be upfront in the most non-critical but honest way as possible.
All the best
Ethan
Hi! My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now and just started regularly having sex about a year ago. I’ve told him before that I enjoy what he does, but honestly I’ve never orgasmed at all with him. It’s not that we don’t do foreplay- we do, but it just doesn’t feel like enough. I get close, but it’s never enough, and either I think he’s too tired so I fake it or he actually does get too tired and just stops. When it comes to actual penetrative sex, he doesn’t last very long at all. He tries to keep going for me- he usually ends up cumming multiple times until he’s too exhausted to do anything more, when I’m still turned on and ready to go. It’s very frustrating, and I don’t know how to tell him. I somewhat brought up the foreplay problem before we ever even tried penetrative sex, but that conversation didn’t accomplish much. As far as the intercourse problem goes, I’m wondering if it’s because I work out daily and he never does, so I have more “endurance” than him? These problems are driving me crazy, so please let me know if you have any advice.
Hi Emaline
Thanks for your comment. Sorrry to hear you’re having these problems. I think you probably need to have another conversation with him about the foreplay, and perhaps show him the way by taking control of your sex life and not allowing penetrative sex until the foreplay has gone on long enough. But perhaps there are also things which you just aren’t doing together which will get you there? Do you kmow exactly what works for you based on previous partners? If so, then tell him and give him some pointers. Most guys, even if they won’t admit it, would like some directions to help satisfy their partner. Amd if you don’t know, then my opinion is that faking orgasms isn’t going to encourage him to try and improve things. He will just be thinking he’s doing great. So perhaps ease off on the frequency of those and see if it gets him thinking about what he can do better. In terms of endurance, well that could have some impact. But really, if you need lots of time to orgasm and he comes quickly, then there is a big difference of arousal levels going on. So he does need to spend more time on foreplay and get better at it. Maybe if you give him some fun suggestions, like some light tying and teasing or roleplay, if you’re into that, he might get into it more and spend more time on it.
Hope that gives you some ideas.
Regards
Ethan
Hi not sure if you still answer these but I am at lost with what to do, my boyfriend and I have been together nearly 8 years we used to be at it all the time, lately maybe once a month if that, I’ve got a high libido but he doesn’t, but when we do have sex he cums in about 2 minutes before I’ve even got started its stressed me out so much that I’ve ended up crying afterward to him as sex is very important to me, I know it bothers him to but I don’t know what else to do, I always think I’m making him feel bad when I mention it but I’m at a lost end with it, I just feel Unsatisfied and wasted.
Hi there
Thanks for your comment, and yes I never close the comments to any posts!
Sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you have two separate issues going on, though the second may be in part due to the first. Did he used to come quickly when you had sex regularly? For many guys, infrequent sex makes it virtually impossible to last longer. So my feeling is that it’s the libido that needs work, then later you can decide whether premature ejaculation is still also an issue.
I guess thing to do is have a good conversation, but at a neutral time, not just after sex and while emotional. He needs to know it’s a serious issue, but also that things can be done. My advice would be to google libido and maybe testosterone boosting techniques and present him with some ideas if he’s receptive when you tell him you want to get things back on track. Amd maybe you both need to throw in some spice. 8 years is a long time, and sex lives can get stale. So maybe you both need to find ways to get him interested again.
Hope that helps a bit!
Regards
Ethan
So my boyfriend and I have actually only been dating for about 2-3 months now and when I say he’s shy I mean it. it took him almost 4 weeks,give or take, to even kiss me. we’ve had sex but only maybe 4 or 5 times and it never lasts very long. he kisses me a whole lot and every once in a while will rub me a little down there but never fingers me and always takes about 2-3 minutes to cum. I don’t really know what to do about initiating sex. we rarely have sex and when we do I’m unsatisfied. I feel weird saying anything because we really haven’t been together that long and we click so well in all other aspects of life. I don’t really know what I should do? any advice?
Hi Becca
Thanks for your comment. Perhaps in this situation you just need to become more dominant and see if he goes along with you. Some guys just don’t have that dominant masculinity in bed, and either need due to shyness, or enjoy for other reasons, a woman to take control. Maybe, metaphorically speaking, you could see him as a blank slate which you can create into the kind of guy you’d like. Maybe he’s inexperienced as well as shy, so teach him by actions if you feel words are not going to do the trick.
In terms of not lasting, it’s probably due to a combination of inexperience and the fact that you don’t have sex often.
So try getting passionate with him, have a drink or two to help him loosen up, set the scene with candles if you think he’s the romantic type and generally take control.
And if that doesn’t work, then you’re just going to have to be honest with him and tell him in the nicest way possible that you want to try some other things. Also, try asking him about his fantasies. You never know what that question will turn up…
All the best
Ethan
Not sure if you still respond to these but I’ll give it go, even if its to talk about it for my own sake. I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years and our sex life has always been steady yet unsatisfying, for myself. I have a strong libido and he does not, he finds no importance in sex where I do. I have lost all of my sex drive due to his lack of passion and how quick he is during sex (2-3 minutes tops) I find myself even dreading sex due to how unsatisfied I am left. I have done oral on many many occasions, he never returns the favor, whens hes done then thats it, the day goes on. Not once has he ever done oral on me without expecting something in return. He barely does oral in general, or finger play, it is the usual amount of “foreplay” (I can almost time it)focused mainly on my breasts then its a quick few pumps and thats it, sometimes he realized how quick it was and will painfully attempt to finger me but I always just fake it so he will stop. I have tried talking to him about all of this but he gets very defensive and angry, he once told me to just buy a dildo and stop bugging him (unbeknownst to him I had bought one ages ago when I was sick of fealing unsatisfied) I love him but I dont know what to do anymore.
Hi Harley
Thanks for your comment, and yes I’m still responding to all comments. Sorry to hear your sex life has gotten to this stage. You’re not alone, as you’ll have noticed if you’ve read the previous comments from women who are also dealing with the defensive or angry partner issue.
The first thing is that he needs to change, that’s for sure. You are entitled to a decent sex life, and at the very least a partner who will try his best to work on any problems you encounter. Unfortunately, for many guys this is a terrible issue and he’ll probably be feeling pretty awful about it at the times when he does think about it – assuming he’s aware enough to realise that it’s true what you say.
the key is to talk to him at the best possible time – when you’re in a happy, comfortable and trusting conversation. Don’t be critical at first, just telling him what’s going on for you in calm way, and also making suggestions of things to try to make him last longer, or to spice up your sex life in the way that you want him to. If he can’t be bothered with oral then he’s either selfish, inexperienced, doesn’t like doing it or just plain lazy. And he needs to realise that it’s not cool to expect it from you but not return the favour.
If I were you, I’d have a calm talk with him, learn yourself all the things that can be done to last longer so you have practical solutions to offer him. And if that doesn’t work give him a bit of a sterner warning that he really needs to listen to your needs.
Good luck!
Ethan
Hi.. My love and I recently started having sex and honestly both myself and my love isn’t satisfied.. On our first go at it honestly it wasn’t good at all there was trouble for his penis to stand and in less than a minute he came…he was aware of it and i know for sure that it bothered if but I told him it was OK tried to make better of the situation said maybe the next time will be better.. At our next shot at it same problem…. We argued about it and he decided that our relationship make no sense and he is ready to ‘GIVE UP’ I feel really depressed am not sure what I should say to him this time around… What are some options? What’s the best thing to do? How should I handle the situation?
Hi Mari
Thanks for your comment, and I can understand your frustration. I think he’s over-reacting there – perhaps as a form of embarrassment and frustration. Hopefully, he doesn’t really mean it, and if he does – well, you’re better off without him.
I imagine that there are some nerves and excitement involved there. Perhaps the best thing is to try again, both relax and take it easy. There are plenty of options, as you’ve seen in the article. Lots of these you can try out straight away and they might help, if he’s willing to work on it with you.
Ethan
Hi, here’s hoping you still read and respond to these comments.
Anyway my bf and I are getting increasingly intimate but he always comes quickly. ( the Foreplay- clothes-still-on-just-moving-together kind of quickly)
I used to be quite flattered but now it’s a little annoying because while he keeps going after, it’s not as enjoyable for him which then makes me feel bad. (Plus I know I take quite a while)
He’s the one that brought it up and it really upsets him. Thankfully we’re really close and open with each other and I’ve tried reassuring him but tbh I’m not sure if using the natural techniques alone will be enough to help him? Also I think that his emotions might be making him come quickly so how can I help him slow down? (His ex used him to regain her sexuality and we’re both still virgin and have infrequent opportunities to be intimate) More frequent intimacy isn’t possible right now so any other advice is greatly appreciated
Thanks,
X
Hi there
Thanks for your comment. Well, the natural techniques are excellent in my opinion. But if you don’t have time for those, then you can try a delay spray. The problem is though, if he’s coming so quickly, before there is even physical stimulation, then the problem is probably one of arousal and emotions – as you guessed. I guess the trick is to take it really slowly. You’ll have to use the natural techniques, but go way back to square one – giving him time to get used to being with you physically at each stage until he can handle it.
At the same time, there’s no harm in continuing after he orgasms. Sure, the arousal might drop right down for a while, but it can build up again. I think if he is happy to keep going and stimulate you in other ways afterwards, then be glad of that!
And of course, you can also get him to masturbate one or two times before you meet. That should help a lot to reduce his arousal levels.
Good luck with it!
Ethan
my husband comes way to fast he lasts maybe 2 mins during intercourse sometimes he will come during 4play and I’m left unsatisfied. i’ve tried to talk to him its like he overlooks it or just don’t care. I have got to where I just don’t want him touching me bc of it. we have got to where we argue and fight bc I don’t want him touching me. is there anything else to do? am I trying to talk to him in the wrong way? or am I doing something wrong in bed? it all just started about a 6 months ago.
Hi Nicole
Thanks for your comment. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had these problems with your husband. It sounds like it’s gotten to quite a serious level of difficulty between you, and it’s going to take some good communication between you to improve things. I don’t know if you’re talking to him the right way or not. But really, I think you need to have a good talk about what’s going on, and what you both want. The best thing is to be completely honest. Find a good moment to bring it up, and talk about the fact that you don’t want to fight, but want to fix the situation. He needs to know that the reason you don’t want any intimacy is because of the feeling of dissatisfaction it leaves you with. But you both need a plan to deal with it too. It will be much easier to tackle if you actually have some plan of action to help him last longer. That’s why I recommend that you do some research about the possible treatments and techniques for dealing with it. Then you can suggest those to him when you talk, and see if he’s willing to try them out. Hopefully he will be if he realizes that’s the only way that he will get to be physical with you too.
All the best
Ethan
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 months now. Him and I were both virgins, or I better say I feel that I still am. We have tried to make sex happen, but he has also the problem of coming too soon in the attempt to penetrate me (which kind of seems very difficult) and it apparently puts a huge amount of pressure on his penis (as I can feel it myself as well) and always comes within 30 seconds or so before the penetration is done.
Afterwards he tries to give me pleasure by fingering me in his despair to make up for the disappointment he has caused.
He is obviously self-conscious and does not feel good about it, he has mentioned it even several times to me whether he has let me down. But I try to not put any pressure on him and tell him that I am sure that by passage of time, this problem will be fixed (although he does not believe it).
I would appreciate some tips on what solutions are on the table for us. Especially when attempts for penetration for a virgin are made.
Thank you in advance.
Hi Orchid
Thanks for you comment, and sorry to hear you’ve been having this problem. I’m not sure if I totally follow – have you actually managed to have penetrative sex yet with him? Assuming you have, then really I think it’s a case of trying the tips in the article – there’s a lot there to be working on already. If there’s a lot of pressure, then perhaps you need to spend longer on foreplay and use a lubricant. Maybe have him use his fingers and tongue for a good length of time before you try to have sex. Then you should be more open and there will be less physical pressure, which should help him control himself better.
Regards
Ethan
my boyfriend and i have been doing just fine until a few days ago when i discovered that i no longer enjoy making love and he comes way too fast. just when i’m starting to feel him, he just comes, leaving me wanting more. we talked about it last night, and he said he has noticed that i no longer enjoy it and there is no way of dealing with this whole thing, he doesn’t believe on therapists and all, he says it just a waste of money… what do i do?
Hi Mandy
Thanks for your comment and sorry to hear that your sex life has gone this way. Really, it’s a serious situation if you’ve decided you no longer enjoy making love to him. And in my mind something which needs to be addressed properly, otherwise it will affect your relationship as a whole. Is the reason purely his lasting time? Or are there other reasons? Before giving you any advice, it’s a key point to think about.
Regards
Ethan
Okay this is quite embarrassing for me. But I do not get wet down there, and I have trouble getting aroused. He tries to finger me or eat me out but I never feel like its good. The actual sex is great but he cums waaay to fast. And he knows but he doesn’t try to help it. I have no idea what to do. I feel like I’m not attracted to him and I know I am to him. But it is taking a strain on our relationship of nearly a year.
Hi Stacy,
Thanks for your comment. Unfortunately it sounds like there’s a fundamental problem there before the sexual stamina even comes into play. If you’re simply not attracted to him, then that’s a serious issue. My advice would be to jump onto some women’s forums and get some advice from women about how to balance the feeling of liking a guy emotionally buy not being sexually attracted to him. I think you’ll get better advice there than I could possibly give you. If you do decide to stay with him, then you can always come back here and look around the website for advice on helping him last longer.
Regards
Ethan
Hi ,
I’ve been with my partner for a yr and a half now and our sex life is quite passionless and scheduled ( 2 sometimes 3 times a week) and he doesn’t last very long. He use to last longer. ..
I don’t know if he knows that I sometimes fake an orgasm so he doesn’t feel bad . He also expects oral sex , but doesn’t often return the favor. I think if I was being satisfied 2 or 3 times would be enough . But I’m being left sexually frustrated when he’s finished .
We have spoken about some of these issues before , but I always feel like im nagging him for sex and he only gives it when he wants it. He’s also said that sex isn’t everything ? Am I doing something wrong? I’m not very vocal in the bedroom because I’m so scared of doing something wrong and being rejected .
Needless to say I feel inadequate and haven’t had these issues in previously relationships. I just don’t know how and what to do ?
The rest of relationship is fantastic and he’s great . We’ve talked about marriage and building a future together and we get on like a house on fire. But this aspect is really affecting me. I know he knows that he isn’t satisfying me sexually and feels disheartened .
Please I need some advice .
Hi there
Thanks for your comment, and I’m sorry to hear you’re having this problem. The first and most important point is that you have the right to a satisfying sex life, and also importantly a voice in the bedroom. It’s one thing is the guy (or woman) has a health issue which makes sex complicated. But if it’s things like not being equal in aspects such as oral sex, then that’s a different matter altogether.
To be honest though, there could be all sorts of things going on here. Maybe, for example, the infrequency of the sex is making it hard for him to control himself. And maybe he’s resigned himself to that, and is therefore worried about constantly making himself look bad in bed by not lasting long. So he only has sex when the desire overcomes the worries. Or maybe after spending time together, the passion has naturally faded and needs to be injected back into your relationship.
If I’m completely honest with you, I’ve been in a similar position before with an ex-partner. At the start, everything was great and exciting. But then as time went by, we had sex less frequently. And when we did, I was too excited to be able to last long enough. But rather than do something about it, I just ended up on some weird auto-pilot looking back on it, I guess hoping it would be better the next time, but not really doing anything to ensure it would. Guys are quite good at burying their head in the sand with these issues, not accepting there’s a problem, and not being comfortable with talking about it.
But talk about it is what must happen if things are to improve. If you’re going to spend your lives together, this needs to be rectified sooner rather than later otherwise it will only eat away at you and probably get worse.
So my advice is two things:
1) Talk to him openly and honestly, but at a time when you’re feeling close and loving. Perhaps don’t tell him you’ve faked orgasms. But Maybe stop doing it which might help him wake up a little bit and realise he’s the one who needs to do something extra. But do tell him how you feel and that you want things to be different. And tell him how you want them to be different – give him practical, tangible ideas rather than just say you’re not happy with your sex life. It’s teamwork after all – you need to work together to both satisfy one another.
2) Perhaps look on some women’s forums for discussions about this kind of problem. You’re not alone in this, and there are several good forums out there where you can get good advice from women who have been in the same situation.
I hope that helps a little,
Ethan
Have any of you tried a fifi? Its like a sex toy for men. Me and my girl are in a long distance relationship and I started using that to masturbate instead of my hand and it helped me last soooo much longer when we would get to have sex. She got the red cause shes a redhead.
Hi there
Thanks for the suggestion. I have tried one, but still prefer the fleshlight! It’s good in some ways that there’s the disposable sleeve thing, but it’s not so great for the environment.
Regards
Ethan
Im having the same problem with my boyfriend. When we first had sex, he lasted 20 mins before finishing I think and I still hadn’t finished. I’ve only been with 2 people in my life and I’ve noticed oral and finger stimulation does nothing for me. So vaginal sex is the only way I believe I can orgasm unless I’m masturbating on my own. Anyways, now it’s like the moment he’s inside me, he finishes and it already takes me a long time to get there. I clench my vaginal walls and make noise so that he thinks I came but the truth is I haven’t ever had an orgasm and we’ve been together for the last 8 months and only sexually for the last 7 months. I just don’t know how to bring it up to him. Also I’ve noticed that his physical features do not turn me on so maybe that’s the underlying problem, well that and that he can’t last very long. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Hi there
Thank you for your comment, and sorry to hear you’re having these problems. I think that if you haven’t brought it up before, then really that’s the first step. Follow the advice in the article about talking to him, tell him you’ve got some practical ideas of how you can both last longer again. And importantly, remind him that he used to last for ages, so should be able to again!
As for not feeling turned on by him, well that’s a whole other issue. Perhaps it’s in part due to not having that sexual connection with him anymore. Perhaps it’s a sign that things aren’t that good between you. Only you can really answer that one.
Just to repeat though, in my opinion you need to talk to him and voice your desire to work on your sex life, and work on it together. I think that’s a key point – don’t just tell him he’s not satisfying you and he needs to sort it out. Tell him you wish he could last as long as he used to, and you want to try experimenting with some different techniques, positions or whatever. Many guys will be very happy if their partner says she wants to experiment sexually!
All the best
Ethan
Hey Ethan,
So I’m a little late for this post but I’m at a loss. Sadly, I’ve already had multiple conversations with my partner about this issue. I don’t blame him for coming too soon it just sucks for both of us, and sometimes I react poorly. I can get angry because right as I am really getting started he tells me he’s done leaving me to feel left out and unsatisfied. It is so disappointing but I think my vocalizing my disappointment is damaging him, me, and our relationship. So, there’s the background. Do you think there’s a way to bring up that delay spray without totally crushing him? We have pretty spontaneous sex so…I don’t even know if that would work. What about any books you could suggest that would be non-threatening? I really can’t bring it up much more without it making him feel terrible. I need a mans advice but I can’t talk to anyone I know without embarrassing him. Thanks.
Hi Janie
I understand the frustration, and you have every right to be bothered by it. I guess one way would be to just go ahead and get a delay spray and present it to him, preferably at a time when you’re both feeling very close and connected. The worst he can do is get angry, throw it away or refuse to use it. But maybe inside he’ll appreciate not having to make any effort to getting it, and it’s right there in front of him to try.
Normally I’d say talking and working together is the way forward. When you have talked, have you talked about delay sprays, and any in particular? Or just generally about feeling unsatisfied? Maybe he’d respond better to specific practical solutions. You can present him with a simple ‘do you want to try this thing I heard about?’ yes or no question.
I guess one problem though could be that they don’t always work for all guys. So if he agreed to use it, then it didn’t work, he might feel even worse. You do kind of need him to be on board with the idea of experimenting with different products – unless you get lucky first time. I’m just thinking out loud here, I hope you understand. There’s no real one-size-fits-all solution to the problem of a guy who doesn’t want to deal with it. But my instinct is telling me to try to get him with specific solutions as well as voicing your need for him to work on it.
Importantly though is also working on your attitude towards him – forgive me for saying! If you are just reacting strongly, then of course he’ll feel bad, threatened and possibly unwilling to work with you. I think the key might be to talk to him in a loving and compassionate way, and not just after another disappointing sex session. Find a time when you’re cuddled up together, or walking or whatever brings you close. Then talk about practical solutions like the spray.
I hope that helps! In terms of books, you can find some good ones online on amazon or other bookstores. And around this site, I discuss some downloadable ones that are interesting too.
I hope that helps! feel free to chat more if you want advice. It might take me a while to reply, but I will always reply.
Regards
Ethan
Hi,
When I read this article, it felt as if your words, was my own! I cannot stress how frustrated I feel with my situation… Its heat sore… I’m so unhappy!!! And don’t know what to do. I have tried nice lingerie, nities, discussions, begging, asking, crying, yelling…everything there is to do…but with no satisfying end. His last response was..,”I’m to scared to have sex with u, because I can’t please u…” And with that being said, there is just no sex, no hugs, no kisses, no nothing at all!
Its just terrible having a partner that does not want “it”…I have given up! We have been married for almost 12years and the past 2 years, I never want to repeat. Unfortunately it is not getting any better and it is affecting my feelings towards him and our marriage, but not according to him. I’m even considering looking for a Dom, a “Mr Grey” if that will “fix” me. Wanting sex all the time, mastrubating, having think about sex all the time! What is wrong with me??? Sexually I am so frustrated. In other areas, he is the perfect husband, helping with chores around the house and “pleasing” me in all other areas accept sexually.
Its been 8 weeks since the last time he touched me…I am dying inside! I cannot continue this way…I’m broken.
It has reached a point where I said that I cannot continue with this marriage anymore and his response was…silence, with the next day acting as if I have not said a word. This was 6 months ago…
So, reading this article, just made me realize that there are other woman feeling exactly the same as me.
Thank you for posting this.
Regards
D
Hi there,
Thanks for your comment. I’m very sorry to hear that your marriage has gone down this path. It’s completely understandable that you feel so frustrated, both sexually and emotionally.
You don’t mention whether or not the problem is him not lasting long enough, though I assume it is because you’re reading this article. If it’s the case, then you’re going to have to make a choice: either leave him if you really feel you can’t continue or find someone else on the side, or try a different way to talk to him about it.
My advice would be to try the last option first of course, especially if he is great in so many other ways. For many guys, it’s a horribly embarrassing problem, and one which we don’t naturally talk about to each other or find much advice about randomly. It’s something which we have to deal with in our own heads for years sometimes, slowly becoming more and more helpless about it, not knowing what to do.
I think the key is to both talk to him in a calm, loving way and also present some solutions to try. Do lots of research, using this website as a start, and educate yourself about all the options he has. Then you can tell him what you’ve discovered and ask him if he’s willing to try. Maybe an instant product like a delay spray at first because it requires little effort on his behalf. Then you can try suggesting he learns the natural techniques at a later date.
You need to work as a team on this. So don’t allow him to be silent, but also don’t criticize or make him feel any worse. It’s a fine balance between inspiring a willingness to change and try new things and making him feel loved and wanted.
Regards
Ethan
Hi,
Reading your article has helped me understand a better way to approach my bf about our sex lives. I have tried to discuss the problem with my bf before, and how i haven’t had a chance to orgasm but he hasn’t really taken any action and just makes me feel like i’m the only one who wants more sex and longer sex. When i have asked for us to go again he always says he’s too tired and that hes drained out now. I have tried no foreplay on him before sex and that hasn’t helped much either. i just dont know how to tell him that its affecting me and quite frankly i dont even want sex anymore because whats the point if its only 1-3 minutes and he doesn’t even use his hands or mouth on me.
would really appreciate your advice please
Hi Natalie
Thanks for your comment, and I’m sorry to hear that like many women you’re having this problem with your boyfriend’s lasting time during sex.
I think that most of what I have to say is already in the article and subsequent comments – which I also recommend reading if you haven’t already.
I think that talking to him again is your best option, as well as of course trying to implement the things I talk about in the article yourself if you can.
It sounds like he has gotten into a rather selfish pattern of going straight to the act of intercourse, abandoning foreplay (as many men sadly do as time passes…) and then not worrying about your pleasure. Or at least not appearing to worry about it.
Sometimes I wonder whether guys end up in this weird situation where they know they have a problem, feel bad about it, but don’t know what to do. So they just kind of ignore it, hope it will get better every single time, and then not do anything extra for you because their hormones are still telling them they want sex, even if it only satisfies them. Who knows…
But I think without him taking action, it’s unlikely to get better. So the trick is getting him onboard with trying different things. And that is 80% of the battle. That’s why it’s important that you get it right, and talk to him in the right way at the right time.
The worst that can happen is that you start refusing sex and then get used to not having enjoyable sex. That’s likely to then affect your entire relationship.
So be brave and talk to him again, but be compassionate and remember that this can be an extremely embarrassing and ‘manliness destroying’ thing to have to face up to. Be positive and constructive, and arm yourself with ideas to try so you can present ideas to him. Even if it doesn’t work at first, you might find he goes and investigates it in his own time and of his own free will.
Good luck with it!
Ethan
Have the same problem i just dont like having sex anymore and i let run to see how long he went before touching me and he went up to 3 weeks. I didn’t feel anything when he finally touched me i just dont say anything its annoying. He also comes really fast and when done he just gets away from me that’s why i dont even bother coming close to him (He do this when tired and i get pissed off). By the way this is the first i hold on that long too i was like you i would always want more but he didn’t care so i decide to just to quit lets see what happens. We have 6 years together. (Or you can try touching him after he first came and he him work up again that what i did cuz i know he comes fast and try to get it to get excited again and then go from there)
Hi Guadalupe
Since you’ve replied directly to a previous reader, I won’t say too much. The only thing I would say is to talk to him! It sounds like things have gotten about as bad sexually as they can get. So you’ve got nothing to lose by talking to him about it and seeing if you can work together to improve your sex life.
Regards
Ethan
Hi, I’m really glad I came across this article. However this is my issue. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years and we have an 8 month old daughter together. We are 15 years apart with me being younger. When we first got together, he cam within a minute and this isn’t nothing I’ve never experienced with any of my previous partners so I thought, maybe it was me and he said” he cam very fast because he hadn’t had sex in a very long time and he was very excited”. I wAs very excited too, he was very attractive to me and I was very curious and extremely happy to wait for this moment for it to just turn out to be a disappointment. However, I didn’t give up, but it became a regular cycle every time we had sex, I was always given him oral and he rarely ever did me. It got to the point as to where he started to make the comment” oh well, I’ve gotten mine” and left me hanging and I wouldn’t say nothing. It left me wondering, was he cheating on me, what is going on. We’ve discussed this, tried different positions, etc but never was open to trying any meds and don’t want too. Sometimes we have sex more often than usual for example like 3-5 times a week or once a week. Here lately he’s lasted 5-8 mins and we’ve gone back 2 back within the last week and this went on for about 4 days. He’s really into porn, always looks at it on his phone and him and his buddies send pictures of females to each other. I’m really confused, what is going on with his body, does the age gap play a role into this? He tells me that’s all that I every want is sex but It’s not. Am I expecting too much from me?
Hi JNS
Thank you for your comment, and the first thing to say is that you are definitely not expecting too much! I think both partners in every relationship have the right to want and expect a certain level of sexual satisfaction. And if you feel that he is not putting much effort into ensuring you also have a good time, then that is quite selfish of him. Now, whether he is having confidence issues due to his lasting time or not is hard to guess. It’s possible he is.
I have to say as well that if he does have lasting problems, then only having sex once a week, or even once every 2-3 days is going to be difficult for him. Regular sex is one of the best ways for guys to develop stamina. But if he has some issue with regular sex, then that’s something you need to ask him about too! You don’t say how old he is exactly, but maybe he doesn’t have a very high libido due to his age.
I think a key thing though is that you have talked about this before and taken steps to make things better. And I think that’s probably what you need to do again now. And also try to find out what’s with the porn. Most guys, even those in relationships like a bit of porn from time to time. But sending pictures to and from your mates regularly seems a bit odd to me for a man with a partner and a child.
Something is clearly not right between you, and I think you need to open a proper dialogue with him about it. My suspicion is that neither of you are feeling fulfilled sexually, but for different reasons. And only by talking will you work out what you can do to find the common ground and develop a loving and sexually satisfying sex life.
But just to reiterate…don’t ever question whether you are asking too much to be sexually satisfied by your man! You have the right to have a fulfilling sex life!
I hope that helps a bit!
Regards
Ethan
My boyfriend comes literally as soon as he enters me but he carries on going. Hes been doing this since the first time we had sex. I’m not sure if he know that I know he’s came. He claims I’m ‘too tight’. I haven’t made a point of it when he does and just allowed him to continue until I can’t feel him anymore. It’s starting to frustrate me because after he’s done he won’t touch me again for a few days to almost a week. I’ve only been able to keep him hard after coming once with oral. We’ve used lube, and tried a variation of positions. We do foreplay and he’ll perform oral on me but he has never given me an orgasm and I’ve tried to show him how. I’ve told him that I wasn’t fully satisfied after sex a few times and asked for a second round, before he was up for it but recently he makes excuses like saying he’s tired or hes not in the mood. i am just at lost on what to do.
Hi there,
Thank your for your comment, and sorry to hear that your sex life isn’t quite living up to expectations. What you describe is unfortunately such a common occurrence. Guys can be very quick to find an explanation which is usually a ‘compliment’ in disguise, such as “you’re just so hot I can’t help it…”. In your case there may actually be some truth to it, as if a guy is sensitive, then a tighter vagina can be incredibly difficult to cope with. But whatever the case, he clearly has quite a serious problem.
It seems to me that you’re going to somehow connect as a team on this one. From the little you’ve said, it seems like a classic case of ‘resignation’ to something which is horrible but seemingly impossible to fix. For starters, he has to admit there’s a problem, both to himself and to you. And then decide to do something about it. My advice would be to find the best time to talk to him about it, when you’re both snuggling comfortably on the sofa with a glass of wine for example, and try to gently open up a dialogue about it. But not just after sex when he is probably feeling crap about himself, even if it’s subconsciously.
You can tell him you’ve been doing some research, and have found some ideas of things to try. Maybe even buy a delay spray and show it to him. The worst he can do is refuse to try it, but he will probably be curious. And if it comes to it, show him this website and get him to sit and read it for a while, if you can. Even if he refuses, he might then secretly look at it and then get back to you.
It’s a tricky one, but I honestly believe the best approach is to work on the lack of ‘teamwork’ first, and then the actual issue. You might find you end up having a lot of fun along the way!
I hope that helps a bit
All the best
Ethan
Thank you very much for this advice. I have had this problem with my boyfriend but, we already practice a lot lot of these techniques. I also will take the advice of having more sex because we only do it about once or twice a week. Thank you again
Hi Loretta
Thanks for your comment and I’m glad you found the article helpful. It’s great that you already practice the techniques. But yes, if he has problems with his lasting time, then only having sex once or twice a week is going to make it extremely difficult for him to control himself on those rare occasions you do have sex. If you have sex more regularly, I can almost guarantee you’ll see some improvement.
Regards
Ethan
After a year of amazing sex (seriously), things are getting more and more unsatisfying. He used to last about an hour and now it’s average of 5 to 10 minutes. He says it’s because I feel too good that he can’t control himself. But a year ago he seemed capable of control. I have become uninterested in sex because by the time I just start getting aroused, it’s over. No foreplay anymore either Unless I suggest it. He has started making comments that I’m not “present” but honestly what’s the point? It will be over in 5 minutes, less if I try to engage. He has tried to wait and calm down but it never helps. I’m feeling like the arse but he doesn’t seem to be trying. What to do? Also, rest of relationship is fantastic. :$
Hi Susan
Thanks for your comment, and sorry to hear you’re going through this difficult period in your sex life. If he once lasted much longer, then hopefully he’ll be able to regain that level of control at some point. I think the main thing is to communicate with him about this. 5-10 minutes is actually the average time guys last for, so don’t be too disheartened just yet. With a little thought and some work, hopefully he’ll be able to improve on that time again. Maybe you need to talk together and try to work out what was different a year ago and now. Perhaps he used to try and control himself, but for whatever reason has stopped doing so. Maybe you did things differently, or spent more time in different positions. Maybe the foreplay you had before was helping you to get fired up and therefore not need so long with actual sex. Only you two can work these things out!
But the first step, as I said before, is to open up a non-critical dialogue. If this is a problem, the best way to overcome it is with teamwork!
All the best
Ethan
Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. We are both happy in our relationship and have great sex but I would like him to be able to last a bit longer. I’ve never times it but sometimes he will only last a few minutes, and I’ve never been able to finish with him as I would need more time. On the other hand, he finishes every time and I’m happy about that. What are some ways to improve his lasting time? I know he wouldn’t want to try anything too artificial like anti depressant drugs, numbing sprays etc, but any other ideas would be much appreciated :) Thanks!
Hi Crystal,
Thanks for your comment, and sorry to hear that like many couples, you’ve been unsatisfied during sex. To be honest though, it’s all there in the article for you to read! My other suggestion would be to look around the website more:-)
All the best
Ethan
repeated sex is helpful in this regard. thanks any way
Yes, you’re right. It definitely helps!
My husband lasts close to 7 mins. Maybe!! I love how we get so into it and we both get off fast, I just don’t know how to get him to be like he use to. He use to go down south or use his hands and stuff, 4 years later I only get a quickie!! And I mention it every time I want seconds, but I never get it. How can I get him back? Its like he’s scared to do anything. He also only gives it to me twice a month. I’m embarrassed to even give my real name.
Hi Deanna,
Maybe you could try talking to him about it when you’re not in bed. Pick a moment when you’re feeling comfortable in each others company and try making some suggestions about spicing up your love life. Sex too often becomes a habit which gets less and less frequent, and the stuff which takes a little effort and is more one-side, like going south, gets neglected. So it’s up to both of you to inject some romance, passion, creativity and excitement again. And I’m not sure that’s something one person can do alone. You need to work as a team, and a team has to talk.
Otherwise try searching online for women’s love and romance forums. There are lots full of great ideas from women who have been or still are in your position.
All the best
Ethan
Hi. This is really a useful piece of advice. I had big problems with my boyfriend with sex and don’t know what to do about it. But now think Im going to talk to him and see if he is willing to try some things you say can help. thank you so much!
Hi Jin
Glad you found the article helpful, and hopefully you and your boyfriend can work through things together and improve your sex life.
Good luck!
I have the same problem with my soon to be husband. We have been together for about seven years and this year we are getting married. I love him and I reall feel bad for him but, it is affecting me as well. I have brought it up to him but, only for him to get defensive and say that he never had issues before me that I always want it. But, I believe he is embarrassed and don’t want to think about it when we have sex I can literally time him he is done exactly 3 to four minutes. Sometimes I don’t have an orgasm because it over to soon. I don’t know what to do his sex is good for those minutes but, i am younger than him and I want him to last longer and produce more. When we are done I’m mad and I turn over and go to sleep and he says to me what’s wrong? I says nothing and than he says was it good and i lie and say yes
Hi there,
Thanks for your comment, and sorry to hear that like so many women, you’re not satisfied by your partner’s lasting time. Hopefully you’ll have found some ideas in this article you can apply. I definitely recommend talking to him again about it. I think you’re probably right about him being embarrassed, but if you talk to him in the right way at the right time, then eventually you might be able to get him to work with you. But if you just keep it to yourself, it’s very unlikely anything will ever change. So I think you’re going to have to find the strength to work out how to broach the topic in the best way. But don’t allow yourself to give in and get used to this. It’s something which can be improved, so it should be. And actually 3-4 minutes is not bad statistically, so it shouldn’t take too much effort to increase that time!
All the best
Ethan
Just wanted to say thanks a lot for this article, it’s really helpful. My partner has had problems with this ever since we got together, and I think he knows it but doesn’t talk about it, and I feel bad to bring it up. I’ll have a think about talking to him about it because I really don’t know if I can continue like this forever if he’s never going to last longer than a minute or two. At least I have some ideas now that I can suggest we try, though I’m not sure telling him to practice on his own is my favorite idea…
Hi Jenny
You’re very welcome, and thanks also for your feedback. It’s always great to hear that an article is useful:-)
It sounds like you’re in a very common predicament, unfortunately. It’s your decision of course whether to talk to him or not, and I imagine there are some women who would never bring it up for various reasons. But if you care about him, and feel the relationship is threatened by this yet worth trying to save, then bringing it up might be a good way forwards. Then it will be down to his level of maturity to deal with what you say, and how you say it of course.
But having some constructive suggestions should help as well. I understand your last point, and that’s fair enough. But if you do bring it up and he’s willing to listen and tackle it, you’ll also have to see what his opinion is about the best way to deal with it. Maybe he’ll be happy to try out a delay spray, but maybe he’s the type to want to really get stuck in and try to reverse the problem long-term. You’ll have to wait and see.
Thanks again for sharing your story and all the best:-)
Ethan