What To Do If Your Boyfriend Always Comes Too Quickly

It’s a dreaded feeling that I know only too well: the frustration of my boyfriend once again coming too quickly when we have sex.

The worst thing is knowing that your sex life is suffering because of this one problem, but not being sure what to do about it.

You wish you could talk to him about it honestly, but you’re worried that he’ll take it badly. And it just feels a bit mean to criticize him too strongly, with a risk of denting his self-confidence and making him feel inadequate.

You don’t have to suffer in silence though – you do have a right to a good sex life, and hopefully some orgasms of your own. So if this sounds all too familiar, this article will help you deal with the problem in a positive and effective way.

First things first – are you talking about it yet?

If you’re already talking about the problem together, great; you’ve already taken the most important step. If that’s the case, you’re probably looking for practical ideas that will help your partner last longer during sex.

If you’re reading this because it’s a problem which you’ve never spoken about, it’s a different scenario altogether. So at the end of the article there’s a section which should help you talk to him about it.

1) Desensitizing sprays

image of several delay sprays used to assess the pros and cons

Desensitizing sprays are especially useful for men with premature ejaculation due to physical sensitivity. If your partner agrees to try one, it can make an enormous difference to his ejaculation control.

They contain a numbing agent which reduces his sensitivity – usually benzocaine or lidocaine. He can apply it shortly before having sex, wipe the remainder off so it doesn’t transfer to you, and then have much longer sex.

There are many different desensitizing options available, so you might find our reviews of the best delay sprays helpful. And the one we’ve had the most success with personally is Promescent.

2) Develop ejaculation control naturally

There are a range of effective techniques you can practice when making love to help your partner learn to control his arousal levels and ejaculation.

It can take some time to see good results, but it’s definitely worth trying. If you work together to improve his sexual stamina, this way has the potential to actually cure it rather than rely on desensitizing products.

One technique you can get started on straight away is the start and stop method, which he can practice alone and/or with you. There are other techniques, such as the squeeze technique and kegels, but the start and stop is arguably the best.

3) Work through a self-help book together

image of the ejaculation trainer ebookIf you’re interested in tackling premature ejaculation naturally through behavioral techniques, it can be useful to work through a self-help book.

Research into premature ejaculation has shown that men who used a self-help book improved their lasting time by several minutes, and that the effects continued months later.

You can either practice the techniques together during foreplay and sex, or leave it to him to read and learn what he needs to do to improve his stamina in bed.

Have a look at our recommended premature ejaculation self-help books to find out more.

4) Benzocaine condoms

Benzocaine condoms, like the delay sprays, also contain a numbing agent. They sometimes cause problems with maintaining an erection, but can be very helpful for some guys.

If your partner doesn’t have a problem wearing condoms in general, they may help his level of control. You can find out more in our article looking at the pros and cons of benzocaine condoms.

5) Thicker than normal condoms

Most condoms can help reduce the physical sensitivity for guys, so even just wearing a normal condom could help him last longer than without one.

And if you want to go one step further, get him to wear an extra thick condom – especially if you’re not keen on the benzocaine idea. The trade off is that it might drop the pleasure down a notch, so this is one you need to decide on together.

6) Premature ejaculation pills

Doctors sometimes prescribe anti-depressants for premature ejaculation, as they’ve proven to be quite effective in clinical trials.

The problem is though that he would need to take them every day. Anti-depressants also come with side effects of their own, which is why even though they might work, I’m not a fan of the idea personally.

In many countries you can now get the faster acting pill, Dapoxetine. This is only taken each time before sex, but still carries the risk of some side effects.

7) Foreplay, and more of it

Many guys are guilty of rushing as quickly as possible into sex, with good foreplay being forgotten as the months and years roll by. But if you can get him to agree to spend more time on this, it can make a big difference.

The idea is that you use foreplay to balance your arousal levels. Men get turned on much quicker than women usually, so it’s great if you can have him spend more time focusing on you.

If he’s willing, get him to spend lots of time arousing you, so that when you finally have sex, he won’t need to last as long, since you’ll already be fully aroused from all that foreplay.

8) Use oral sex to your advantage

This can work in two ways: he could bring you to orgasm through oral sex and manual stimulation first; or bring you almost to the point and then have sex once you’re already very aroused. Both techniques work well, ensuring you get plenty of stimulation and the pressure is taken off him to be a marathon man.

9) Choose your sex positions wisely

Some sex positions might make your boyfriend come too quickly, and others can help him last a little, or hopefully much, longer.

The best positions are those with you on top, or sideways positions like spoons. The worst positions are missionary and from behind on all fours or stood up.

The idea is that he needs to keep relaxed, so any position which involves him tensing his stomach, groin, thighs and lower back won’t help.

10) Go for the second round

Your boyfriend is more likely to last longer the second time round. So don’t allow your sex session to end the second he ejaculates. Keep on enjoying each other in other ways, and when he’s ready to go again, he should last longer second time round.

11) Use lubricant

image of a hand using lubricantIf your partner feels too much pressure on the head of his penis during penetration, it can make him come quicker. So if you’re not naturally well lubricated, get a good water-based lubricant to have at the ready.

And if he’s overly keen and rushing to penetrative sex, keep him at bay until you can feel you’re open, lubricated and ready for him.

12) Remember to breathe

Breathing can play an important role. Remind him to slow down and take longer, deeper breaths if you hear him panting. On a wider note, try to help him keep relaxed during sex. If you feel him tensing up, relax him with some massaging movements or calming words.

13) Have sex more often

If you only have sex once or twice a week then the excitement is going to make it more difficult for him to control his ejaculation – especially if he doesn’t masturbate regularly.

Practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.

14) Set the right pace

If you go straight into 5th gear from the start, your boyfriend might struggle to contain his arousal and excitement. So try to slow down, relax and enjoy a change in pace.

He might also find it helpful to sometimes stop doing deep strokes, and just do smaller ones until he calms down a little. And if even that’s too much, he can withdraw completely and give you some oral while he recovers.

15) Work on any sexual performance anxiety

If he feels anxious and stressed about pleasing you, both the physical and mental tension can affect his lasting time. If he feels less pressure, and that you’re happy and enjoying your sex life together, it can help him keep control.

So even if he does come quickly every time, making him feel that you still enjoy the physicality will help in the long run. If you think he struggles with anxiety, have a read of this longer article about sexual performance anxiety, and see if he’ll look at it too.

What to do if you haven’t told your partner it’s an issue

How severe is his premature ejaculation?

When you say your boyfriend comes too quickly, it’s important to realize that there are different grades to the issue. Here are a few different scenarios:

  • He comes during foreplay, before you even start having penetrative sex.
  • He ejaculates very soon during sex, for example within a minute or two.
  • He lasts for a few minutes – let’s say the average time of 5 minutes for a guy, but it’s not long enough for you to have an orgasm.
  • It’s a mix of all of the above at different times.

A modern definition of premature ejaculation is that he comes before either you or he want him to, regardless of how long the exact time is.

But there’s a big difference between a partner who always comes within a minute, and a partner who lasts 5 minutes or longer, but it’s still not long enough for you to reach orgasm.

The first is possibly a bigger problem, and may or may not be harder to deal with. The second you may be able to work on together relatively easily using behavioral techniques.

How do you tell your boyfriend he comes too quickly?

Complaining or making fun of him the next time your boyfriend orgasms too soon isn’t going to inspire him to take action.

But then neither is silence.

Only you really know your own relationship, your partner and yourself. There are no magic words which will fit every situation. But one thing is for sure – talking to him about the problem is the key to instigating change.

The reasons why communication is important

First of all, let’s look at the reasons why communication is essential if you want your partner to improve his sexual stamina:

  • He needs to be willing to try different techniques and/or treatments. If he doesn’t accept the situation and take some responsibility, the problem probably won’t go away on its own.
  • He may need to do some solo work to understand how his body works. Many techniques for developing control need him to take some time to himself to practice them.
  • There are some effective products which can help him last longer. But you can’t secretly attack his penis with a numbing spray; he needs to agree to use it.
  • Anxiety can play a big role. And one of the best ways to reduce that is if your man feels he can communicate with you about sex. And that you’re working together as a team on the issue.

Picking the moment and having some ideas at the ready

talk to him about coming too quickly in a sensitive but honest wayIf you already have a good level of communication, things should be easier. If you never actually talk about sex, or intimacy, then now is the time to start, even if it feels a little uncomfortable at first.

Whatever the case, there may be no easy way of saying it that doesn’t hurt his feelings. But there are things you can do to limit his embarrassment:

  • Pick the right moment. Not just after another session where he comes too quickly, nor when either of you are stressed or busy. Find a moment when you’re both relaxed, happy and feeling connected.
  • Have some ideas of what you can do to manage the problem. If you tell him that you want to do something to help him last longer, have some ideas at the ready. Don’t immediately flood him with them though. Wait and see if he’s willing to talk about it first.
  • Try to be constructive and talk in terms of seeing what you can do together to work on it. Don’t just tell him he has a problem and leave it at that. See it as a challenge to overcome together.
  • Be honest about how you feel, but also tell him how much you love, like, fancy, respect or care for him. He may feel bad or relieved when you bring it up, but be sure to make him feel wanted.

It’s up to you to work out how to talk to him, just remember to try and talk in a way that doesn’t come across as judgmental, blaming or critical. Try not to make him feel like a failure, and that you really enjoy being intimate with him.

It’s about making him feel wanted, and at the same time that you’re a team who can work together to have the best possible sex. It’s a fine balance to get right, I know. But with some calm, loving words, you can reduce the chance of him feeling bad and increase the chance he’ll both listen to you and agree to work on it with you.

You might also like

There are lots of treatment options for premature ejaculation, so it’s worth reading our reviews of different techniques and products. I do recommend getting a good premature ejaculation guide so you have a range of techniques to try.

And for some immediate help, a desensitizing spray is a great option. Take a look at our review of the best delay sprays to learn more about that option.

And if you’re still unsure which direction to go in, it might help to read our article explaining how to choose the right premature ejaculation treatment.

169 Comments

  • I have an absolutely amazing sex life with my boyfriend, so to not ever let the lust and hot passion fade, what are some different and out of the ordinary sex techniques I can do with my boyfriend to keep things fresh, alive and steamy? I don’t want our passion to ever fade away with time by always doing the same thing. I have to admit him cumming in my anal is soooo HOT for both of us! But what else can we try?!!!

    • Hi Hules
      To be honest, this isn’t really the best place to ask that question! This article is more about problems with lasting time. However, there are loads of kinky things you can try – I’d suggest having an honest chat about your fantasies. You never know what you might come up as something you’d both be willing to try!
      Ethan

  • my boy friend comes really quickly, and once I was just hurting and I felt bad and I reacted a bit bad and told him he is selfish and these things, and hurt his confidence, but we talked about it and he felt better. but I know deep down I hurt him and i want to know how should I make it up to him or what should I do? do I have to say or do any thing special in words, or during the sex?
    I red the article and it was really good and I’m gonna use it and tell him too.
    but beside these thing .. can you help me plz

    • Hi Y
      Tricky question. Is it still a problem? If so, maybe the best thing you could do is just to have an honest, but calm and non-critical conversation with him – a fine balance to get right! He might appreciate it if you’re honest, but in a nice way. There are lots of things you can do together to make him last longer. But if he thinks it’s not really a massive problem, maybe he won’t do anything about it. And that then means you might say something harsh to him again in the future. So to me, the best thing would be honesty.
      Ethan

    • Hi Toni
      It could be for various different reasons. Have a go at the techniques in the article and see if they help.
      Ethan

  • I’m not necessarily that into sex, but my boyfriend and I have it everytime we see each other, sometimes multiple times. He finishes pretty quickly and he makes jokes about it, but it’s obvious that it bothers him quite a bit. And furthermore, he has never made me finish and it’s really hurting his self confidence. I don’t care if I finish or not and I don’t care how log he lasts because sex isn’t my main concern, but I don’t like how upset he gets about it. What should I say or do to make him understand that he’s doing a fine job and that the sex is perfect the way it is?

    • Hi CS
      That’s a very good question. To be honest, I’ve had exactly the same problem before, and as a guy it’s really hard to get the idea of our heads. Kind of impossible in fact, if you’re the kind of guy that cares about the partner’s pleasure. It’s like a symbol of sexual success that we make you orgasm, and something we just want to be able to give you and share with you. And perhaps a bit of worry that if we don’t do it, you’ll find someone who does.
      My opinion would be that you’ll have more luck making him feel better if you actively work with him to find ways to get you there rather than tell him it doesn’t matter. He probably just won’t ever believe it doesn’t matter.
      So you can keep telling him the sex is awesome – that will definitely help. But also agree to work together to try different things. Maybe manual or oral stimulation. Point him in the direction of things that push your buttons. Even if you’re not that into sex, I think it’s a good thing to try and get into it, both for his sake and the sake of your relationship. And who knows, with some experimentation, maybe you’ll find something that really does work and you’ll find you get into it more.
      Ethan

  • My girl friend has got to the point where she says she’s fed up of me coming too quickly and doesn’t want to have sexual intercourse again or even be kissed on the lips. I respect her but sometimes wish I cd correct my PE. I’m taking citalopram every day and have been over a period but with little success. Can you help?

    • Hi Frederick,

      I am shocked about your story! My honest first reaction as I read it was “go find yourself a girlfriend who will kiss you out of love, instead out of promise of performance. I mean come on, you should not have to deal with this kind of stress and rejection!

      My boyfriend also comes super quickly and of course it’s a pity for me. But for me it is not nearly as bad as for him! It is hurtful and shameful to him, although I know that he just can’t help it. To me it is nothing of those things. I always tell him that he has a fine mouth and very skilled hands and he always gets me to finish one way or the other. l

      Coming to soon should not be so big a drama that it should cost you all intimacy or your self esteem. Just take a (long) break from trying, don’t numb yourself with sprays or anything, your feelings are fine as they are, period.
      Take a break, take back your self worth and your self esteem and ask your girlfriend how you can get her up there in another way. And make sure that SHE takes responsibility for her own pleasure and tell you straight up how she likes it.
      A little last tip: buy her a shower with multiple massage settings. Practice TOGETHER in how to let her come with that. Let her come several times in a row and should she like the following: never take out your tongue out of her throat until you have her begging you not to make her come again. She will discover that there is more to you than just your orgasm… And so will you!!!

      I wish you pleasure and self confidence,
      Marian (Holland)

  • Hi there,

    I greatly enjoyed reading your article and reading all the comments and your constructive criticism.

    My problem is not only the early ejaculation but also the dissatisfaction. Don’t get me wrong, my bf and I are still very aroused by each other when we are together, but when we actually have sex the foreplay lasts as long as I want to, he’s nice about that, but it doesn’t really work me up to the level so I can orgasm then or when penetration happens. Then during penetration my bf lasts a bit over 5 mins, sometimes less… It’s just not satisfying for me… Also he seems to need time to recover (usually at least an hour), which is annoying cuz I’m ready to go again and again but he’s not, so I have to ‘turn myself off’… I try to touch him again so he’ll become aroused by I’m afraid he’ll just get mad or something, after he’s told me not to touch him right after… I know he wants to make me cum while we are having intercourse but he just can’t/doesn’t. I love him to bits but he just doesn’t make me orgasm in bed. What the heck. He’s my first serious bf and I haven’t been intimate with anyone else to know what I like/makes me cum, so I can’t really give him pointers. Please any advice. Thanks

    • Hi Carolay
      Thanks for your comment, and it’s good to hear you found the article and comments useful. It sounds to me then like perhaps you both need to go on a bit of an honest and open journey of mutual discovery – without trying to sound too esoteric! If he wants to please you, and presumably is up for trying new things, and you haven’t found what work best yet, then I think you need to have a talk about it and try new stuff – without getting annoyed or stressed if it doesn’t work out. Sometimes it can take ages for a new couple of really connect sexually and work out what works best. Without wanting to brag, and I say this to give an example, I’ve had many sexual partners and think I know what I’m doing. Yet sometimes someone comes along who just mystifies me in bed and it takes a while to work out what makes them tick. Sometimes they tell me they just need oral sex to come. But then it’s up to me to experiment over days, weeks or longer to find the exact ingredients for giving them an orgasm through oral. Some women just don’t orgasm so easily, so it could be that you need to be patient and give both of you time to work out what works best. I’d also say if he’s having trouble lasting longer than 5 mins, have a look at this article about dealing with a boyfriend who comes too quickly. And finally, there’s not a lot he can do about the rest period, and there’s no point getting annoyed about it. That’s just a fact of life and biology I’m afraid! An hour isn’t too bad really – some guys take hours or a whole day! But maybe that’s a time when you can encourage him to spend more time practicing manual or oral. It doesn’t have to be a linear foreplay-oral-sex-orgasm-stop and sleep. It’s good to change back and forth between each element.
      Hope that helps!
      Ethan

      • Hi Ethan,
        My partner and I have been together for 4 years now and we have encountered the issue of him ejaculating too quickly for the past year now. I am always understanding of the situation and recently expressed to him that sometimes it is upsetting for me when he cums too fast. Prior to saying it I ensured to tell him please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not trying to emasculate you and I’m happy with the sex we have most times. He proceeded to become very upset and withdrawn and I feel awful. I never wanted to make him feel that way but at the same time I need to communicate how I feel as a partner. He’ll hardly talk to me and it’s rather upsetting. What do I do here? Did I go about it in the wrong way?

        • Hi Amina
          Sorry to hear you’re having communication problems because of this. To be honest, it’s such a difficult topic to address, there’s not much point in worrying whether you did it the wrong way or not. He’s probably just very sensitive about it. It sounds like you’ve been understanding and non-critical, and that’s fine. I’d give him a bit of time to calm down if he’s feeling upset about it, then try and talk to him about it again. At the end of the day, there’s so much you can both do about it, it’s not fair that you’re suffering just because he’s not willing to face up to the problem. But I would say talk to him about the options you’d like to try to see if they work. It’s good to have constructive ideas. Maybe just pick one or two to start with, such as a delay spray, and plant the seed in his mind.
          Ethan

  • Hi Ethan,

    My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 8 months and we’re happy and all. Whenever we had sex during the previous months it was always exciting, passionate, and satisying. I would come and feel relaxed afterward and he would then please himself with me after he made me orgasm. But lately…I don’t know. This is the fourth time he hasn’t made me orgasm and it’s frustrating for both of us.

    He tries new tactics that excites me but once he enters me and does his thing for a few minutes, I’d feel that clenching, blissful feeling and then he’d come too early and I’d experience this emptiness and then I’d get frustrated and down. Believe me, I tried fantasizing while doing the deed and it used to work but now it doesn’t really happen.

    We talked about this and I am usually very honest, frank even, but nowhere near critisizing or insulting as to lower his self-esteem.

    I love him so much and I am willing to talk to him about it again and see what we can do about this situation. But if you have any more helpful advice, I am open to suggestions.

    I hope you reply soon!

    Thanks in advance,
    Liz

    • Hi Liz
      Thanks for your comment. My initial thought is not to panic just yet – sometimes people do go through periods of not having orgasms so easily. However, it might also be that he’s more relaxed with you now, and so is subconsciously putting less effort into lasting longer. Either that or you’ve both just found a way to have sex that’s so good, he’s struggling to last!
      I think it’s great you’re talking about it – now all you need to do is try out all the ideas I’ve mentioned. If you work together, you should hopefully find they make a difference. And I’d also suggest trying to find a way to relax yourself and take the pressure off! If you both worry about orgasm being the must have final result, it puts a lot of pressure on you both. So perhaps change the goal, and just set out to enjoy your time together, through lots of foreplay, manual and oral sex as well as penetration.
      I hope that helps
      Ethan

  • Hi Ethan,

    When I was a university student in the 80’s, I was having sex very often,often twice daily or more. I could get an erection any time for as long as I wanted . Despite the regular exposure (pardon the pun ) I always tended to cum too quickly the first time .
    The missionary position was out of the question and girl on top worked well . The longer I lasted the longer I could last,however once that inevitable feeling came I would never last long.
    If I could keep going for at least 10 minutes I could then go for ages and take full control.
    It seemed that the longer you oud thrust without cumming, the less sensitive my penis became and the thicker it became. I could then change to any position and ejaculate when I felt like it.

    If foreplay went on too long or envolved too much petting or touching, I would often cum prior to insertion or as soon as I made contact with the vulva. If I had the right partner, this didn’t matter as she would just use my semen as a lubricant and rub me up to a new erection and then I could go for ages. We both found this highly erotic.
    On the other hand, if my partner became disappointed or angry or rolled over, then that was it..
    I was lucky enough to come across a girl in final year who just seemed to understand how men work.
    On our first sexual experience we drove to a remote beach in a small Subaru having completed a brief petting session outside a party.
    By the time we got to the beach we undressed I was ready to cum, then she said I,ll pull you off first so you dontcum too quickly and the we can get down to business.
    With all the worry about cumming to soon lifted Igot the best hand job of my life. When I came, I confidently blew a huge load all over my self knowing that this was OK and expected. We lay together for 10 minutes and the I became erect again. She worked me up into a full hard on with my own semen often stopping to taste it. And then we mad love for hours cumming several times each
    My partner now some 30 yrs later is difficult and awkward in the bedroom. Fore play is awkward and prolonged. After a while I begin to feel anxious or unwanted.she does not like any finger work or breast enrol meet no matter how gentle I am. She hates oral sex but is happy to receive it. Because we rarely have sex, I cum quickly when we do due to sheer lust and desperation.
    she then becomes annoyed and makes some sarcastic comment and goes to sleep. I have explained how it works but she’s not happy to do the hand job followed by the long session .

    My points here are

    Don’t spend too long on foreplay or hell cum too soon. Men find long foreplay frustrating as to put it bluntly or crudely they have a built in drive to empty their balls into your vagina. This is an extremely strong desire and it gets stronger every minute.
    Pull or blow him off first and then get into it, you’ll love the difference, he’ll be in full control
    If he goes to sleep after the hand job just rub him up with his semen and get it hapenning. He’ll love it.
    If you’re only having sex occasionally then don’t expect him to last very long as it’s all about regular penis in vagina experience. Just like tennis if you don’t practice a lot your game goes off.
    Men tend to last longer when masturbating because they are in control of the situation and all the parameters.
    The thing that makes me come too quickly seems to be the warmth of the vagina and the anxiety of underperforming.
    Often it’s just been too long since the last time and I,m simply desperate.
    When I think of the best sex I’ve ever had, I still only think of the girl in final year.

    Jon

    • Hi Jon
      Thanks for your comment and for sharing your very personal story. I think you totally hit the nail on the head with your advice for women who read this article and have issues with their guy. Though not all men enjoy having their semen rubbed into their penis…
      But the rest of the comment I completely agree with. I think it’s a great tactic to let the guy blow off steam so to speak and then go again.
      In your case, knowing that’s what happens, can you not find a way to do it yourself before you have sex? Maybe a quick 5 mins in the bathroom before the usual time you would have sex?
      Ethan

  • Hi there
    I have been enjoying reading this page as I am in need of some advice. I have been dating this guy for almost two months and he has not yet made me climax. He gets aroused very easily to the point he won’t let me touch his penis in case he cums. Foreplay could use some work, his fingernails are long and have caused me to bleed a couple of times and he is very rough with fingering. I have had a few bruises on my breasts from him squeezing too tight. I have spoken to him about these problems and he is trying to be more gentle. When he cums he makes no sound or tells me when he’s done it so throughout the whole process I’m wondering if he’s enjoying it or if he’s cum and I’m holding him up. In past relationships I have been able to cum on one night stands and cum at the same time as the other person, it’s great…I’ve never had a problem with someone who’s been premature at ejaculating. I have done heaps of online research as to what we could do, I’m just a bit shy in talking to him about it in case I offend him. I’m really starting to like this guy and we are both already hoping that things will work out and we will end up a couple. Sex is really important to me and id hate to just go along with it if things didn’t improve. If you were in this situation, how would you tackle the problem?

    • Hi there
      Thanks for your comment. It sounds to me like he’s a bit inexperienced to be honest. Most guys should know that fingernails need to be kept trim, fingering done in a way that pleasures, not hurts, and if bruises appear and you’re not expressively into rough sex, he should recognise and stop causing you damage. Perhaps also the silence is a sign of inexperience and lack of confidence in expression in the bedroom. And if the premature ejaculation is a problem too, it could be, though not necessarily another sign of inexperience.
      If you think I’m right, then I would take the lead more. Guide him, educate him and tell him what works or not – as you seem to have started doing with the pain issues. Help him relax and open up to you and things you suggest. Then little by little you can guide him towards doing things that will help his lasting time, such as the right choice of positions, keeping the sex slow and calm at least at first, giving you long amounts of foreplay to balance the arousal levels etc. Then perhaps if that doesn’t help, in the future you can talk to him about trying other techniques out that would require him to accept it as a problem.
      So that’s my advice – go subtle to start with. And if you think that won’t help, you’ll at some point just have to tell him you want to try some things to last longer – just tell him in the nicest possible “let’s work together on it kind of way.
      Hope that helps
      Ethan

  • Hi! My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now and we started having sex a little while ago. The problem is that he cums in under a min even though he might say otherwise. It’s really frustrating because I want to know how sex really feels when it goes on for a while and every time we talk about having sex over the weekend, I get so excited just to end up not getting anything out of it. I’m very confused because he lasts a good while when he or myself jerks him off, but when it’s penetration time, he cums super fast. I have talked to him about it and he seemed to just get upset. I really just want to know why he lasts a good while with masturbation and not with penetration. Thanks!

    • Hi Shannan
      Thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear you’ve been having this issue with your boyfriend. To answer your question, it’s because guys spend years masturbating and are used to the sensation. But the pleasure, both physical and emotional, from sex is a thousand times more intense! And then you can throw in all the evolutionary arguments too in that it makes sense to ejaculate faster!
      Guys do find this an embarrassing problem, and he probably gets upset because he feels bad about it and internally really wishes he could satisfy you. So that embarrassment, low self-esteem and fear of losing you will often come out as anger, resentment or a range of negative emotions.
      My advice, as always, is to talk again but in the nicest possible way, and present solutions that you can try together. I’d also suggest some things like not masturbating him before sex – have the foreplay centered on you, not him. Maybe use a condom if you don’t already. Keep the positions in the ones that keep him relaxed, like you on top and spoons.
      But really, the problem will only improve if he’s willing to work with you on it. Try to get him into a spirit of team work and exploration together of things you can do. Don’t make it out as a massive depressing problem, but a challenge to be enjoyed and overcome together!
      Best of luck
      Ethan

  • hi
    i been with my partner for 5 month now foreplay always been good with him but he still comes within minutes after penetration and he knows it bother him but he seem to make excuses up but he cant go again iv talking to him but than he get upset telling me i think his no good iv tried spicing thing up as i have a very high sex drive and very open but he wont try anything new please help bc i do love him but im not satisfied in bed
    thank u

    • Hi there
      Thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear you’re having issues with your partner and that he’s having trouble accepting the problem. It’s very normal for guys to be very defensive about this, and to react angrily. Normally the anger is just hiding their embarrassment, shame or feeling of helplessness to do make things better. It’s a really tough thing for a guy to accept and decide to change.
      Perhaps the way you talk to him could play a role. It needs to be done in a very tactful, loving and non-critical way. And if you have some ideas to make things better, then even better. Men are practical minded, so if you actually give him some ideas of solutions, it might be better as he will at least have the ideas in his head.
      Otherwise, there are some things you can do to help him out a bit. For example, try to avoid him being on top or from behind. If you spend more time on top, or in spoons position for example, it can help keep him calm. Also, go slower and even stop for a while with him inside and just hold each other. And change position more often. Things like this can all help to keep his arousal levels in control. But really, these are just secondary ideas – at the end of the day it’s not going to get better until he takes action. Try talking to him about real solutions, like trying a delay spray or condom for example. If he’s willing to do that, then perhaps he’ll also be willing to try the natural techniques – which is ultimately what will really make a serious difference.
      Above all, remember that you deserve a good sex life. Try talking to him again as nicely as possible. But eventually, you’ll have to tell him that you’re not happy with it and you want to try some of these solutions! Otherwise you’re just going to feel worse over time.
      Best of luck
      Ethan

  • My husband and I have been married five years and together for six. When we first started having sex I noticed he came very soon. Sometimes before he even really actually penetrates. At first this did not seem like a big deal to me. We do enjoy foreplay, we have used toys, oral (but that doesn’t really do it for me), and of course clitoral stimulation so that I orgasm before actual intercourse. However, this method is getting boring after years of the same thing. I have tried to spice things up to get myself more into the mood, but that leaves my husband in an even worse position and the problem is even worse, It has escalated to the point where I just no longer want to have sex. I feel it is always a disappointment. He refuses to go to a doctor and I have even begged him to masturbate in the shower hoping that relieves some of the issue, but he only does this a couple times a week, always citing an excuse. He cannot have sex more than one time in a night claiming he needs recovery time of at least 24 hours. I am at a loss of what to do. Do you have any suggestions that I haven’t tried? In reading your article, I have never heard of the delay sprays before, but I do not think I understand how that works? If it numbs his member and then we have intercourse won’t the numbing rub off on me leaving me numb as well?

    • Hi there
      Thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear things have gotten to is point for you. As with many previous readers, it’s a shame but understandable when it gets to the point where you no longer want to have sex. There probably are lots of things you haven’t tried, but the reality is that he needs to be willing to try them himself. As for delay sprays, he would need to apply it, then wash off any residue. Some of them are more absorbant for others which is why they say some can be worn without a condom, whereas others maybe using a condom as well is a good idea to make sure it doesn’t transfer. But the better ones, like promescent, shouldn’t transfer to you.
      The 24 hour thing could be true – some guys just don’t have such a high libido, which is obviously also a problem if you have a higher libido. So perhaps even more care needs to be taken to extend his arousal levels before its all over for him and he doesn’t want more sex.
      If he’s willing to try, then the natural techniques to understand his arousal levels and gain control alongside a desensitizing spray would be a good way forwards. But of he’s mot willing to learn about those techniques, then you could at least get a spray and present it to him with a simple choice to try it out.
      Finally, I would also suggest being honest about how you feel to him. You deserve a good sex life, or at the very least an attempt to make it better. So be upfront in the most non-critical but honest way as possible.
      All the best
      Ethan

  • Hi! My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now and just started regularly having sex about a year ago. I’ve told him before that I enjoy what he does, but honestly I’ve never orgasmed at all with him. It’s not that we don’t do foreplay- we do, but it just doesn’t feel like enough. I get close, but it’s never enough, and either I think he’s too tired so I fake it or he actually does get too tired and just stops. When it comes to actual penetrative sex, he doesn’t last very long at all. He tries to keep going for me- he usually ends up cumming multiple times until he’s too exhausted to do anything more, when I’m still turned on and ready to go. It’s very frustrating, and I don’t know how to tell him. I somewhat brought up the foreplay problem before we ever even tried penetrative sex, but that conversation didn’t accomplish much. As far as the intercourse problem goes, I’m wondering if it’s because I work out daily and he never does, so I have more “endurance” than him? These problems are driving me crazy, so please let me know if you have any advice.

    • Hi Emaline
      Thanks for your comment. Sorrry to hear you’re having these problems. I think you probably need to have another conversation with him about the foreplay, and perhaps show him the way by taking control of your sex life and not allowing penetrative sex until the foreplay has gone on long enough. But perhaps there are also things which you just aren’t doing together which will get you there? Do you kmow exactly what works for you based on previous partners? If so, then tell him and give him some pointers. Most guys, even if they won’t admit it, would like some directions to help satisfy their partner. Amd if you don’t know, then my opinion is that faking orgasms isn’t going to encourage him to try and improve things. He will just be thinking he’s doing great. So perhaps ease off on the frequency of those and see if it gets him thinking about what he can do better. In terms of endurance, well that could have some impact. But really, if you need lots of time to orgasm and he comes quickly, then there is a big difference of arousal levels going on. So he does need to spend more time on foreplay and get better at it. Maybe if you give him some fun suggestions, like some light tying and teasing or roleplay, if you’re into that, he might get into it more and spend more time on it.
      Hope that gives you some ideas.
      Regards
      Ethan

  • Hi not sure if you still answer these but I am at lost with what to do, my boyfriend and I have been together nearly 8 years we used to be at it all the time, lately maybe once a month if that, I’ve got a high lilbido but he doesn’t, but when we do have sex he cums in about 2 minutes before I’ve even got started its stressed me out so much that I’ve ended up crying afterwards to him as sex is very important to me, I know it bothers him to but I don’t know what else to do, I always think I’m making him feel bad when I mention it but I’m at a lost end with it, I just feel Unsatisfied and wasted.

    • Hi there
      Thanks for your comment, and yes I never close the comments to any posts!
      Sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you have two separate issues going on, though the second may be in part due to the first. Did he used to come quickly when you had sex regularly? For many guys, infrequent sex makes it virtually impossible to last longer. So my feeling is that it’s the libido that needs work, then later you can decide whether premature ejaculation is still also an issue.
      I guess thing to do is have a good conversation, but at a neutral time, not just after sex and while emotional. He needs to know it’s a serious issue, but also that things can be done. My advice would be to google libido and maybe testosterone boosting techniques and present him with some ideas if he’s receptive when you tell him you want to get things back on track. Amd maybe you both need to throw in some spice. 8 years is a long time, and sex lives can get stale. So maybe you both need to find ways to get him interested again.
      Hope that helps a bit!
      Regards
      Ethan

  • So my boyfriend and I have actually only been dating for about 2-3 months now and when I say he’s shy I mean it. it took him almost 4 weeks,give or take, to even kiss me. we’ve had sex but only maybe 4 or 5 times and it never lasts very long. he kisses me a whole lot and every once in a while will rub me a little down there but never fingers me and always takes about 2-3 minutes to cum. I don’t really know what to do about initiating sex. we rarely have sex and when we do I’m unsatisfied. I feel weird saying anything because we really haven’t been together that long and we click so well in all other aspects of life. I don’t really know what I should do? any advice?

    • Hi Becca
      Thanks for your comment. Perhaps in this situation you just need to become more dominant and see if he goes along with you. Some guys just don’t have that dominant masculinity in bed, and either need due to shyness, or enjoy for other reasons, a woman to take control. Maybe, metaphorically speaking, you could see him as a blank slate which you can create into the kind of guy you’d like. Maybe he’s inexperienced as well as shy, so teach him by actions if you feel words are not going to do the trick.
      In terms of not lasting, it’s probably due to a combination of inexperience and the fact that you don’t have sex often.
      So try getting passionate with him, have a drink or two to help him loosen up, set the scene with candles if you think he’s the romantic type and generally take control.
      And if that doesn’t work, then you’re just going to have to be honest with him and tell him in the nicest way possible that you want to try some other things. Also, try asking him about his fantasies. You never know what that question will turn up…
      All the best
      Ethan

  • Not sure if you still respond to these but I’ll give it go, even if its to talk about it for my own sake. I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years and our sex life has always been steady yet unsatisfying, for myself. I have a strong libido and he does not, he finds no importance in sex where I do. I have lost all of my sex drive due to his lack of passion and how quick he is during sex (2-3 minutes tops) I find myself even dreading sex due to how unsatisfied I am left. I have done oral on many many occasions, he never returns the favor, whens hes done then thats it, the day goes on. Not once has he ever done oral on me without expecting something in return. He barely does oral in general, or finger play, it is the usual amount of “foreplay” (I can almost time it)focused mainly on my breasts then its a quick few pumps and thats it, sometimes he realized how quick it was and will painfully attempt to finger me but I always just fake it so he will stop. I have tried talking to him about all of this but he gets very defensive and angry, he once told me to just buy a dildo and stop bugging him (unbeknownst to him I had bought one ages ago when I was sick of fealing unsatisfied) I love him but I dont know what to do anymore.

    • Hi Harley
      Thanks for your comment, and yes I’m still responding to all comments. Sorry to hear your sex life has gotten to this stage. You’re not alone, as you’ll have noticed if you’ve read the previous comments from women who are also dealing with the defensive or angry partner issue.
      The first thing is that he needs to change, that’s for sure. You are entitled to a decent sex life, and at the very least a partner who will try his best to work on any problems you encounter. Unfortunately, for many guys this is a terrible issue and he’ll probably be feeling pretty awful about it at the times when he does think about it – assuming he’s aware enough to realise that it’s true what you say.
      the key is to talk to him at the best possible time – when you’re in a happy, comfortable and trusting conversation. Don’t be critical at first, just telling him what’s going on for you in calm way, and also making suggestions of things to try to make him last longer, or to spice up your sex life in the way that you want him to. If he can’t be bothered with oral then he’s either selfish, inexperienced, doesn’t like doing it or just plain lazy. And he needs to realise that it’s not cool to expect it from you but not return the favour.
      If I were you, I’d have a calm talk with him, learn yourself all the things that can be done to last longer so you have practical solutions to offer him. And if that doesn’t work give him a bit of a sterner warning that he really needs to listen to your needs.
      Good luck!
      Ethan

  • Hi.. My love and I recently started having sex and honestly both myself and my love isn’t satisfied.. On our first go at it honestly it wasn’t good at all there was trouble for his penis to stand and in less than a minute he came…he was aware of it and i know for sure that it bothered if but I told him it was OK tried to make better of the situation said maybe the next time will be better.. At our next shot at it same problem…. We argued about it and he decided that our relationship make no sense and he is ready to ‘GIVE UP’ I feel really depressed am not sure what I should say to him this time around… What are some options? What’s the best thing to do? How should I handle the situation?

    • Hi Mari
      Thanks for your comment, and I can understand your frustration. I think he’s over-reacting there – perhaps as a form of embarrassment and frustration. Hopefully he doesn’t really mean it, and if he does – well, you’re better off without him.

      I imagine that there are some nerves and excitement involved there. Perhaps the best thing is to try again, both relax and take it easy. There are plenty of options, as you’ve seen in the article. Lots of these you can try out straight away and they might help, if he’s willing to work on it with you. And of course, you can go even deeper into the research and techniques through one of the books which I talk about.

      All the best
      Ethan

  • Hi, here’s hoping you still read and respond to these comments.

    Anyway my bf and I are getting increasingly intimate but he always comes quickly. ( the Foreplay- clothes-still-on-just-moving-together kind of quickly)

    I used to be quite flattered but now it’s a little annoying because while he keeps going after, it’s not as enjoyable for him which then makes me feel bad. (Plus I know I take quite a while)

    He’s the one that brought it up and it really upsets him. Thankfully we’re really close and open with each other and I’ve tried reassuring him but tbh I’m not sure if using the natural techniques alone will be enough to help him? Also I think that his emotions might be making him come quickly so how can I help him slow down? (His ex used him to regain her sexuality and we’re both still virgin and have infrequent opportunities to be intimate) More frequent intimacy isn’t possible right now so any other advice is greatly appreciated

    Thanks,
    X

    • Hi there
      Thanks for your comment. Well, the natural techniques are excellent in my opinion. But if you don’t have time for those, then you can try a delay spray. The problem is though, if he’s coming so quickly, before there is even physical stimulation, then the problem is probably one of arousal and emotions – as you guessed. I guess the trick is to take it really slowly. You’ll have to use the natural techniques, but go way back to square one – giving him time to get used to being with you physically at each stage until he can handle it.
      At the same time, there’s no harm in continuing after he orgasms. Sure, the arousal might drop right down for a while, but it can build up again. I think if he is happy to keep going and stimulate you in other ways afterwards, then be glad of that!
      And of course, you can also get him to masturbate one or two times before you meet. That should help a lot to reduce his arousal levels.
      Good luck with it!
      Ethan

  • my husband comes way to fast he lasts maybe 2 mins during intercourse sometimes he will come during 4play and I’m left unsatisfied. i’ve tried to talk to him its like he overlooks it or just don’t care. I have got to where I just don’t want him touching me bc of it. we have got to where we argue and fight bc I don’t want him touching me. is there anything else to do? am I trying to talk to him in the wrong way? or am I doing something wrong in bed? it all just started about a 6 months ago.

    • Hi Nicole
      Thanks for your comment. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had these problems with your husband. It sounds like it’s gotten to quite a serious level of difficulty between you, and it’s going to take some good communication between you to improve things. I don’t know if you’re talking to him the right way or not. But really, I think you need to have a good talk about what’s going on, and what you both want. The best thing is to be completely honest. Find a good moment to bring it up, and talk about the fact that you don’t want to fight, but want to fix the situation. He needs to know that the reason you don’t want any intimacy is because of the feeling of dissatisfaction it leaves you with. But you both need a plan to deal with it too. It will be much easier to tackle if you actually have some plan of action to help him last longer. That’s why I recommend that you do some research about the possible treatments and techniques for dealing with it. Then you can suggest those to him when you talk, and see if he’s willing to try them out. Hopefully he will be if he realizes that’s the only way that he will get to be physical with you too.
      All the best
      Ethan

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