It’s a dreaded feeling that I know only too well: the frustration of my boyfriend once again coming too quickly when we have sex.
The worst thing is knowing that your sex life is suffering because of this one problem, but not being sure what to do about it.
You wish you could talk to him about it honestly, but you’re worried that he’ll take it badly. And it feels mean to criticize him too strongly; you don’t want to make him feel inadequate and ruin his self-confidence.
If that sounds all too familiar, this article will help you deal with the problem in a positive and effective way.
First things first – are you talking about it yet?
If you’re already talking about the problem together, you’ve probably taken the most important step. And it should make the practical ideas below easier to try out.
If you’re reading this because it’s a problem which you’ve never spoken about, it’s a different scenario. So at the end of the article, you’ll find some suggestions for approaching the conversation.
1. Desensitizing sprays
Desensitizing sprays are especially useful for men with premature ejaculation due to physical sensitivity. If your partner agrees to try one, it can make a significant difference to his ejaculation control.
They contain a numbing agent which reduces his sensitivity – usually benzocaine or lidocaine. He just needs to apply it 5 to 10 minutes before sex, and off you go.
2. Develop ejaculation control naturally
There are some effective techniques you can practice when making love to help your partner learn to control his arousal levels.
It can take time to see good results, but it’s definitely worth it. If you work together to improve his sexual stamina, this way has the potential to actually cure it rather than relying on desensitizing products.
One technique you can get started on straight away is the start and stop method, which he can practice alone and/or with you.
There are other techniques, such as the squeeze technique and kegels, but the start and stop is arguably the best.
3. Work through a self-help book together
If you’re interested in tackling premature ejaculation naturally through behavioral techniques, it can be useful to work through a self-help book.
Research into premature ejaculation has shown that men who used a self-help book improved their lasting time by several minutes. And that the effects continued months later.
You can either practice the techniques together during foreplay and sex, or leave it to him to read and learn what he needs to do in his own time.
Have a look at our recommended premature ejaculation self-help books to find out more.
4. Delay condoms
Delay condoms, like the sprays, also contain a numbing agent. They sometimes cause problems with maintaining an erection, but do work well for some men and are a simple solution.
If your partner doesn’t have a problem wearing condoms in general, they may help his level of control. You can find out more in our article about benzocaine condoms.
5. Thicker than normal condoms
Most condoms can help reduce the physical sensitivity, so even just wearing a normal condom could help him last longer than without one.
And if you want to go one step further, get him to wear an extra thick condom – especially if you’re not keen on the benzocaine idea.
The tradeoff is that it might drop the pleasure down a notch, so this is one you need to decide on together.
Doctors sometimes prescribe anti-depressants for premature ejaculation, as they’ve proven to be quite effective in clinical trials.
The main issue is that he would need to take them every day. Anti-depressants also come with side effects of their own. So even though they might work, I’m not a fan of the idea personally.
In many countries, you can now get the faster acting pill, Dapoxetine. This is only taken each time before sex, but still carries the risk of some side effects.
7. Foreplay, and more of it
Many guys are guilty of rushing as quickly as possible into sex, with good foreplay being forgotten as the years roll by. But if you can get him to agree to spend more time on this, it can make a big difference.
The idea is that you use foreplay to balance your arousal levels. Men get turned on much quicker than women usually, so it’s great if you can have him spend more time focusing on you.
If he’s willing, get him to spend lots of time arousing you. So when you finally have sex, he won’t need to last as long, since you’ll already be fully aroused from all that foreplay.
8. Use oral sex to your advantage
This can work in two ways. He could bring you to orgasm through oral sex and manual stimulation first. Or he can get you almost to the point, and then have sex once you’re already very aroused.
Both techniques work well, ensuring you get plenty of stimulation and the pressure is taken off him to be a marathon man.
9. Choose your sex positions wisely
Some sex positions might make your boyfriend ejaculate much faster. Others could help him last a little, or hopefully much, longer.
The best positions are those with you on top, or sideways positions like spoons. The worst positions are the missionary, from behind on all fours, or stood up.
The idea is that he needs to keep relaxed, so any position which involves him tensing his core won’t help.
10. Go for the second round
Your boyfriend is more likely to last longer the second time around. So don’t allow your sex session to end the second he ejaculates.
Keep on enjoying each other in other ways, and when he’s ready to go again, he should last longer.
11. Use lubricant
If your partner feels too much physical pressure during sex, it can make him come quicker. So if you’re not naturally well lubricated, get a good water-based lubricant to have at the ready.
And if he’s overly keen and rushing to penetrative sex, keep him at bay until you can feel you’re fully warmed up.
12. Remember to breathe
Breathing can play an important role. Remind him to slow down and take longer, deeper breaths if you hear him panting.
On a wider note, try to help him keep relaxed during sex. If you feel him tensing up, relax him with some massaging movements or calming words.
13. Have sex more often
If you rarely actually have sex, he’s going to feel like a horny teenager when it finally happens, and hope of calm control will be out the window.
And practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.
14. Set the right pace
If you go straight into 5th gear from the start, your partner might struggle to contain his arousal and excitement. So try to slow down, relax and enjoy a change in pace.
He might also find it helpful to sometimes stop doing deep strokes, and just do smaller ones until he calms down a little.
And if even that’s too much, he can withdraw completely and give you some oral while he recovers.
15. Work on any sexual performance anxiety
If he feels anxious and stressed about pleasing you, both the physical and mental tension can affect his lasting time.
If he feels less pressure, and that you’re happy and enjoying your sex life together, it can help him keep control.
So even if he does come quickly every time, making him feel that you still enjoy the physicality will help in the long run.
If you think he struggles with anxiety, have a read of this longer article about sexual performance anxiety, and see if he’ll look at it too.
What to do if you haven’t spoken to your partner yet
How severe is his premature ejaculation?
It’s useful to understand that there are different levels to the problem. Here are a few different scenarios:
- He comes during foreplay, before you even start having penetrative sex.
- He ejaculates very soon during sex, for example within a minute or two.
- He lasts for a few minutes – let’s say the average time of 5-6 minutes for a man, but it’s not long enough for you to have an orgasm.
- It’s a mix of all of the above at different times.
A modern definition of premature ejaculation is that he comes before either you or he want him to, regardless of how long the exact time is.
But there’s a difference between a man who always comes within a minute, and one who lasts longer, but still not long enough for you to reach orgasm.
How do you tell your boyfriend he comes too quickly?
Complaining, teasing or insulting him isn’t going to inspire him to take action. But neither is silence.
Only you really know your own relationship, your partner and yourself. There are no magic words which will fit every situation.
But one thing is for sure – talking to him about the problem is the key to instigating change.
The reasons why communication is important
First of all, let’s look at the reasons why communication is essential if you want your partner to improve his sexual stamina:
- He needs to be willing to try different techniques and/or treatments. If he doesn’t accept the situation, the problem probably won’t go away on its own.
- He might need to practice some techniques alone. Some methods for developing control need him to dedicate time to perfecting them.
- You can’t secretly attack his penis with a numbing spray – he needs to agree to use it.
- Anxiety can play a role. And one of the best ways to reduce that is if he feels you’re working together to have better sex, with no judgment or pressure.
Picking the moment and having some ideas at the ready
If you already have a good level of communication, things should be easier. If you never talk about sex, now is the time to start, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Whatever the case, there may be no easy way of saying it that doesn’t hurt his feelings. But there are things you can do to limit his embarrassment:
- Find a moment when you’re both relaxed and feeling connected.
- If you tell him you want to do something to help him last longer, have some ideas at the ready.
- Frame it as a fun thing to work on together. See it as a challenge to have an even better sex life.
- Be honest about how you feel, but also tell him how much you love, like, fancy, respect or care for him. He may feel bad or relieved when you bring it up, but remember to make him feel wanted.
It’s up to you to work out how to talk to him, just remember to try and talk in a way that doesn’t come across as judgmental, blaming or critical.
It’s about making him feel wanted, and at the same time that you’re a team who can work together to have the best possible sex.
With some calm, loving words, you can reduce the chance of him feeling bad. And increase the chance he’ll both listen to you and agree to work on it with you.
Is this an issue for you? What have you tried, or are thinking about trying to deal with the issue? Feel free to share your experience in the comments below!