What To Do If Your Boyfriend Always Comes Too Quickly

It’s a dreaded feeling that I know only too well: the frustration of my boyfriend once again coming too quickly when we have sex.

The worst thing is knowing that your sex life is suffering because of this one problem, but not being sure what to do about it.

You wish you could talk to him about it honestly, but you’re worried that he’ll take it badly. And it just feels a bit mean to criticize him too strongly, with a risk of denting his self-confidence and making him feel inadequate.

You don’t have to suffer in silence though – you do have a right to a good sex life, and hopefully some orgasms of your own. So if this sounds all too familiar, this article will help you deal with the problem in a positive and effective way.

First things first – are you talking about it yet?

If you’re already talking about the problem together, great; you’ve already taken the most important step. If that’s the case, you’re probably looking for practical ideas that will help your partner last longer during sex.

If you’re reading this because it’s a problem which you’ve never spoken about, it’s a different scenario altogether. So at the end of the article there’s a section which should help you talk to him about it.

1) Desensitizing sprays

image of several delay sprays used to assess the pros and cons

Desensitizing sprays are especially useful for men with premature ejaculation due to physical sensitivity. If your partner agrees to try one, it can make an enormous difference to his ejaculation control.

They contain a numbing agent which reduces his sensitivity – usually benzocaine or lidocaine. He can apply it shortly before having sex, wipe the remainder off so it doesn’t transfer to you, and then have much longer sex.

There are many different desensitizing options available, so you might find our reviews of the best delay sprays helpful. And the one we’ve had the most success with personally is Promescent.

2) Develop ejaculation control naturally

There are a range of effective techniques you can practice when making love to help your partner learn to control his arousal levels and ejaculation.

It can take some time to see good results, but it’s definitely worth trying. If you work together to improve his sexual stamina, this way has the potential to actually cure it rather than rely on desensitizing products.

One technique you can get started on straight away is the start and stop method, which he can practice alone and/or with you. There are other techniques, such as the squeeze technique and kegels, but the start and stop is arguably the best.

3) Work through a self-help book together

image of the ejaculation trainer ebookIf you’re interested in tackling premature ejaculation naturally through behavioral techniques, it can be useful to work through a self-help book.

Research into premature ejaculation has shown that men who used a self-help book improved their lasting time by several minutes, and that the effects continued months later.

You can either practice the techniques together during foreplay and sex, or leave it to him to read and learn what he needs to do to improve his stamina in bed.

Have a look at our recommended premature ejaculation self-help books to find out more.

4) Benzocaine condoms

Benzocaine condoms, like the delay sprays, also contain a numbing agent. They sometimes cause problems with maintaining an erection, but can be very helpful for some guys.

If your partner doesn’t have a problem wearing condoms in general, they may help his level of control. You can find out more in our article looking at the pros and cons of benzocaine condoms.

5) Thicker than normal condoms

Most condoms can help reduce the physical sensitivity for guys, so even just wearing a normal condom could help him last longer than without one.

And if you want to go one step further, get him to wear an extra thick condom – especially if you’re not keen on the benzocaine idea. The trade off is that it might drop the pleasure down a notch, so this is one you need to decide on together.

6) Premature ejaculation pills

Doctors sometimes prescribe anti-depressants for premature ejaculation, as they’ve proven to be quite effective in clinical trials.

The problem is though that he would need to take them every day. Anti-depressants also come with side effects of their own, which is why even though they might work, I’m not a fan of the idea personally.

In many countries you can now get the faster acting pill, Dapoxetine. This is only taken each time before sex, but still carries the risk of some side effects.

7) Foreplay, and more of it

Many guys are guilty of rushing as quickly as possible into sex, with good foreplay being forgotten as the months and years roll by. But if you can get him to agree to spend more time on this, it can make a big difference.

The idea is that you use foreplay to balance your arousal levels. Men get turned on much quicker than women usually, so it’s great if you can have him spend more time focusing on you.

If he’s willing, get him to spend lots of time arousing you, so that when you finally have sex, he won’t need to last as long, since you’ll already be fully aroused from all that foreplay.

8) Use oral sex to your advantage

This can work in two ways: he could bring you to orgasm through oral sex and manual stimulation first; or bring you almost to the point and then have sex once you’re already very aroused. Both techniques work well, ensuring you get plenty of stimulation and the pressure is taken off him to be a marathon man.

9) Choose your sex positions wisely

Some sex positions might make your boyfriend come too quickly, and others can help him last a little, or hopefully much, longer.

The best positions are those with you on top, or sideways positions like spoons. The worst positions are missionary and from behind on all fours or stood up.

The idea is that he needs to keep relaxed, so any position which involves him tensing his stomach, groin, thighs and lower back won’t help.

10) Go for the second round

Your boyfriend is more likely to last longer the second time round. So don’t allow your sex session to end the second he ejaculates. Keep on enjoying each other in other ways, and when he’s ready to go again, he should last longer second time round.

11) Use lubricant

image of a hand using lubricantIf your partner feels too much pressure on the head of his penis during penetration, it can make him come quicker. So if you’re not naturally well lubricated, get a good water-based lubricant to have at the ready.

And if he’s overly keen and rushing to penetrative sex, keep him at bay until you can feel you’re open, lubricated and ready for him.

12) Remember to breathe

Breathing can play an important role. Remind him to slow down and take longer, deeper breaths if you hear him panting. On a wider note, try to help him keep relaxed during sex. If you feel him tensing up, relax him with some massaging movements or calming words.

13) Have sex more often

If you only have sex once or twice a week then the excitement is going to make it more difficult for him to control his ejaculation – especially if he doesn’t masturbate regularly.

Practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.

14) Set the right pace

If you go straight into 5th gear from the start, your boyfriend might struggle to contain his arousal and excitement. So try to slow down, relax and enjoy a change in pace.

He might also find it helpful to sometimes stop doing deep strokes, and just do smaller ones until he calms down a little. And if even that’s too much, he can withdraw completely and give you some oral while he recovers.

15) Work on any sexual performance anxiety

If he feels anxious and stressed about pleasing you, both the physical and mental tension can affect his lasting time. If he feels less pressure, and that you’re happy and enjoying your sex life together, it can help him keep control.

So even if he does come quickly every time, making him feel that you still enjoy the physicality will help in the long run. If you think he struggles with anxiety, have a read of this longer article about sexual performance anxiety, and see if he’ll look at it too.

What to do if you haven’t told your partner it’s an issue

How severe is his premature ejaculation?

When you say your boyfriend comes too quickly, it’s important to realize that there are different grades to the issue. Here are a few different scenarios:

  • He comes during foreplay, before you even start having penetrative sex.
  • He ejaculates very soon during sex, for example within a minute or two.
  • He lasts for a few minutes – let’s say the average time of 5 minutes for a guy, but it’s not long enough for you to have an orgasm.
  • It’s a mix of all of the above at different times.

A modern definition of premature ejaculation is that he comes before either you or he want him to, regardless of how long the exact time is.

But there’s a big difference between a partner who always comes within a minute, and a partner who lasts 5 minutes or longer, but it’s still not long enough for you to reach orgasm.

The first is possibly a bigger problem, and may or may not be harder to deal with. The second you may be able to work on together relatively easily using behavioral techniques.

How do you tell your boyfriend he comes too quickly?

Complaining or making fun of him the next time your boyfriend orgasms too soon isn’t going to inspire him to take action.

But then neither is silence.

Only you really know your own relationship, your partner and yourself. There are no magic words which will fit every situation. But one thing is for sure – talking to him about the problem is the key to instigating change.

The reasons why communication is important

First of all, let’s look at the reasons why communication is essential if you want your partner to improve his sexual stamina:

  • He needs to be willing to try different techniques and/or treatments. If he doesn’t accept the situation and take some responsibility, the problem probably won’t go away on its own.
  • He may need to do some solo work to understand how his body works. Many techniques for developing control need him to take some time to himself to practice them.
  • There are some effective products which can help him last longer. But you can’t secretly attack his penis with a numbing spray; he needs to agree to use it.
  • Anxiety can play a big role. And one of the best ways to reduce that is if your man feels he can communicate with you about sex. And that you’re working together as a team on the issue.

Picking the moment and having some ideas at the ready

talk to him about coming too quickly in a sensitive but honest wayIf you already have a good level of communication, things should be easier. If you never actually talk about sex, or intimacy, then now is the time to start, even if it feels a little uncomfortable at first.

Whatever the case, there may be no easy way of saying it that doesn’t hurt his feelings. But there are things you can do to limit his embarrassment:

  • Pick the right moment. Not just after another session where he comes too quickly, nor when either of you are stressed or busy. Find a moment when you’re both relaxed, happy and feeling connected.
  • Have some ideas of what you can do to manage the problem. If you tell him that you want to do something to help him last longer, have some ideas at the ready. Don’t immediately flood him with them though. Wait and see if he’s willing to talk about it first.
  • Try to be constructive and talk in terms of seeing what you can do together to work on it. Don’t just tell him he has a problem and leave it at that. See it as a challenge to overcome together.
  • Be honest about how you feel, but also tell him how much you love, like, fancy, respect or care for him. He may feel bad or relieved when you bring it up, but be sure to make him feel wanted.

It’s up to you to work out how to talk to him, just remember to try and talk in a way that doesn’t come across as judgmental, blaming or critical. Try not to make him feel like a failure, and that you really enjoy being intimate with him.

It’s about making him feel wanted, and at the same time that you’re a team who can work together to have the best possible sex. It’s a fine balance to get right, I know. But with some calm, loving words, you can reduce the chance of him feeling bad and increase the chance he’ll both listen to you and agree to work on it with you.

You might also like

There are lots of treatment options for premature ejaculation, so it’s worth reading our reviews of different techniques and products. I do recommend getting a good premature ejaculation guide so you have a range of techniques to try.

And for some immediate help, a desensitizing spray is a great option. Take a look at our review of the best delay sprays to learn more about that option.

And if you’re still unsure which direction to go in, it might help to read our article explaining how to choose the right premature ejaculation treatment.

169 Comments

  • I just need someone to talk to. Me and my boyfriend have lots of sex. We have sex mainly because we both want it, but at times I ask myself why am I screwing you if you can’t even make me cum… He doesn’t do oral and he’s not into a woman’s body mentally… He doesn’t know or maybe doesn’t want to spend time focusing on pleasing me. It seems as if sex is just for him. When I don’t have sex with him he complains and I don’t want him running to other women for it…but what about when I want it? I know he’d go screw other women if I wasn’t making him cum every time we had sex. I haven’t experienced 4 play with him yet and its been a year. He’s acting pretty selfish to me and I don’t know what to do.

    • Hi Stacey
      Sorry to hear you’re having these issues with your bf. I think you really need to talk to him, nicely and honestly, about how you feel. Perhaps a gentle wake-up call will help. If not, then I suggest talking to him more seriously. It’s a fine balance between getting him to realise things aren’t great, and not hurting his feelings. That’s why I always suggest trying the team angle, in the hope you can get him on board with trying to make sex great for both of you.
      Ethan

  • My boyfriend ejaculates in a minute, even when having oral. He is 39 and this has been going on for about a year, he doesn’t last and it’s such a turn off. I think it’s time to move on.

    • Hi O
      I understand the frustration. But have you tried talking to him about it, and trying to find a way to make sex last longer together? Before giving up on him, it’s perhaps worth giving him a chance to improve.
      Ethan

    • Hi Sheavani
      It’s impossible to say what the cause is, as there are many possible reasons. The only worry is if he refuses to try and do something about it. My advice would be to talk to him openly about it, but in as nice and non-critical way as possible. Suggest the technique you read in this article and try to get him to work together to improve the time for both of your enjoyment.
      Ethan

  • Hi there,
    Me and my boyfriend are planning on getting together in a couple of months but he has just told me he will only last a few seconds. It will be both our first time but I just don’t know what to do or how to react because I know it will take me longer. Any advice?

    • Hi H
      Well the good news is that he’s obviously someone who isn’t shy to talk about sex and any concerns or problems that might arise. And that’s half the battle in my experience, both personally and reading countless comments from both men and women.
      It also probably means he’s really anxious. Maybe he ejaculates quickly when masturbating, or maybe he’s just worried it might happen. Who knows – it might not even happen!
      My advice is to not worry too much about it or run away. Don’t let this issue become something that spoils what should be special – even if a lot of the time, the first sexual encounters with someone new are a bit of a mixed bag anyway!
      I think the best thing is to just take things really slowly, and not put pressure on either of you to have the most amazing sex ever. If it’s both your first time, it’s likely to both beautiful and slightly stressful at the same time! It takes time to get to know someone sexually and for things to gel. So, if he does get aroused really quickly, so what? You can just take it easy, let him recover and go for a second round. The best thing is not to just stop when he ejaculates. Keep going with foreplay, manual, oral, kissing, cuddling, whatever until he’s ready to go again. It’s always better the second time. If he’s open to talking about sex, then you can create an atmosphere where you have long, enjoyable sexual encounters without intercourse being the only goal or end product. That way there’s less pressure, and you can both enjoy it as much as possible.
      Ethan

  • Hi I’m mpumy. I have find it so difficulty to have sex with my boyfriend. He always ejaculate first and I hate it. I told him but he seems not changing. I’m about to leave him because I find this so difficult

    • Hi Mpumi
      Sorry to hear it’s gotten to the point where you want to leave him. It’s a shame he hasn’t changed since you told him. But did you consider solutions together, or did you just tell him and leave it with him? Perhaps it might be worth trying again and seeing if he’s willing to have a serious conversation about things you can do together to last longer.
      Ethan

  • My partner finishes within two minutes of sex and even when I begin with oral on him or other methods of foreplay it is around the same. He refuses to perform oral on me or do any foreplay as he says he doesn’t like it, resulting in me being very dissatisfied and often upset that I’m giving him everything I can and not receiving a lot in return.

    • Hi Millie
      Sorry to hear you’re having trouble in that way. It’s a shame when guys act in this way, as it does sound selfish on his part. Do you know why he doesn’t like it? Has he never liked it, or did that start at some point after you got together? I think you need to have an honest chat with him about how you feel, preferably at a good time and not in the moment of feeling unsatisfied. Hopefully he will listen if you tell him seriously, but kindly, that it’s a problem.
      Ethan

  • My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and he always cums within a min. It’s so so frustrating. He knows it and so he tries to make up for it by trying go down on me every single time we have sex. Now,i understand it’s a nice gesture and blah blah but honestly at this point I don’t even care about me getting off I just wanna have good, hard, atleast 5 minute sex!! It’s so bad sometimes I just avoid sex altogether which makes it even worse when we finally do have sex. I know I sound like a serious brat but my god, I just wanna get f’ed. Feels good to this off my chest!

    • Hi Jillian
      You don’t sound like a brat – everyone has their sexual desires and needs, and if you’re not being satisfied, then it’s hard not to complain! Have you spoken openly about it? As you can see in the article, there are tons of things you can do to improve the situation. If he’s willing to go down on your after, then he clearly cares. So with the right wording, hopefully you can get him into “team mode” where you can enjoy experimenting with finding ways to last longer together.
      Ethan

    • Hi Jillian,

      It sounds like everything in your relationship is good except for the sex… maybe you should consider Ashley Madison or a little side action ;-) You get yours and there is no commitment…

  • Hello! So Me an my boyfriend been together for a year now, an he’s the most loving, caring, and thoughtful guy I’v ever been with, but OMG as soon as he enters me he gives me this look which indicates he has already Ejaculated. Its very very frustrating I get so upset but Ofcourse his response is “Its not my Fault You Got Some Good” an it just irritates me because I can’t get it out my head that when it comes to our sex life he’s very selfish.
    I want to have a talk with him but, I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
    Please any advice???

    • Hi Mya
      It’s understandably a tough situation, and not easy to balance saying what you need with not insulting him. As I said in the article, the key is to pick the right moment, stay calm and positive, non-critical and try to work with him on this. It’s important to make him feel like this is something you want to work on together, and that there are things that can be done to improve your satisfaction too. If he is as loving and thoughtful as you say, he probable knows it’s not great, but might not know what to do about it. So have some ideas at the ready, and discuss them with him.
      Ethan

    • Hi my boyfriend says the same, I love and dont want anyone else but he just doesnt want it as much as i do. Pills are dangerous and feel guilty when he takes them but he so much longer and the sex is out of this world. Im so not doing well i need and he wants beer.

  • I’ve really never done anything like this before. I like answers but mostly I like puzzles. I like to figure things out on my own, but for something like this I’m really annoyed. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. When we first started he was on a 2 year dry spell, whilst I just came out of a 4 year relationship. Sex in the beginning was fine. We would see each other a few times a week. Have sex multiple times and he would ejaculate in about 15-20 min each time. But now we have been living together and there are a few things that really tick me off.
    For starters he works 10-12 hours 4 days a week, but surprisingly that isn’t my problem. My problem is that he decides that before he goes to work he wants to flip my switch and “tease me” before he jets off to work. Leaving me aroused for hours. When he comes home he either drinks and watches tv until he gets tired (even after I try to areouse him) or we have sex for about a min or two and he cums. Leaving me sexually dissatisfied and highly annoyed. For example: just last night after 4 days of teasing me and going to bed he finally initiated having sexual activity. After about 30ish seconds I would say he finished. Me obviously being annoyed I got off of him, got quiet, cleaned myself off and went out side. He followed me to ask me if I was upset that he finished so quickly to which I said yes (instigated the arguement but claims I was the one with a problem.) then tells me that he would do oral on me to get me there or at least try to get it back up and try again. So after about 10 min I came back inside to try and have play time yet again & he said he was going to sleep. Me being obviously justifiably peeved I went to bed to find out that he stayed up for 3 more hours fueling my fire.
    I’m not sure how to fix this problem. I’m not sure what to do. I have a very high sex drive that is a craving that is not being satisfied and I love him. He’s a great guy, but he does not follow through and he finishes really quickly. So how in the world do I bring this up without making him feel like he’s doing something bad or without me sounding like a whining, selfish bitch?

    • Hi Kiana
      Sorry to hear you’re having this issue with your partner. First of all, I don’t think you’re being selfish here – on the contrary, I think he’s the one who’s not really paying enough attention to the sexual needs of both of you, and had like many guys probably just become a bit lazy and careless sexually.
      I think the best thing is to pick the right moment – when you’re together, feeling calm and relaxed – and tell him how you feel. Importantly, try to put a serious, but positive slant on it by saying you want to work on it together. Remind him how amazing the sex was when you first got together, and that you miss that. Picking the words is never easy in this situation, but I think the main thing is to try to be the calm one, and stay focused on the end goal. If you fight about it or criticize or blame, nothing will change. If you talk openly, but calmly, there’s a chance he’ll come on board and work with you to improve things.
      If he totally refuses or buries his head in the sand, then maybe get tough at a later date!
      Ethan

  • pls am aving dis little problem with ma guy it has been 4 years now since we dated we ave been living very happily without bt in team of sex issues i always complain abt he easily get tired and cannot even go for like 2-3 time in bed sumtime i dt filled ok when he will weak and tired so pls guide me and advice me maybe to leave de relationship or to continued de relationship dat the will be change,thanks lady A

    • Hi there
      I think the first thing to do is speak to him honestly about how you feel, but at the right moment. It’s not helpful to complain or criticize during or just after sex. Instead, find a moment when you’re both together, feeling calm and happy, and then talk about it sensitively. You can tell him you’d like to work together to try and find a way to make the sex last longer. If he is willing to do this, then there are lots of options to try listed in the article.
      Ethan

  • I will comment from a guys perspective and apologize for not reading all the posts. I’m a guy who can usually hold off and rotate positions to not finish. I did date one girl who I could not control it and would finish fast and could go about 3 rounds in 1 sitting. The feeling was that good and my consousness was so ashamed I wanted to keep going. there are some girls that feel like heaven and other that are just a lay. yes this was a raw incident, my girl understood, and even in time it was still short, she was magical, usually I’m fine and can control it, but there is that one you can loose it.

  • Hi,
    I’ve been with my boyfriend for just under a year. We’re both in our early 30s, and neither of us is inexperienced.
    A few issues in the bedroom:
    1. He’s never lasted more than 5 minutes with me. He seems to want to ‘get it over with’ as quickly as possible – and has even expressed frustration at me trying to delay his orgasm via oral – he got cranky when I backed off and refused to let me continue, instead allowing his erection to just go away rather than pursuing sex. I haven’t told him yet that I want it to go for longer than 2-5 minutes yet, but I’m at the point of broaching the topic soon because it’s so damn frustrating. I love him, I’m incredibly attracted to him, but our sex life just feels like a chore and it’s getting me down. *Once* I told him (I was emotional, hormonal, and it was bad timing) that I felt like he hated sex with me. He panicked and at first got upset, ‘Of course I like sex!’, and then tried his best to reassure me that he likes it with me. But still, the insistence on making it as quick as possible continues. He’s otherwise very verbally and physically affectionate and loving, with non-sexual physical intimacy something that has been there from the beginning. His defensiveness and frustration about sex tell me he’s anxious about it, but I’m not sure exactly why.

    2. That brings me to the second point: I believe my drive is much higher than his – with previous partners, we would go at at least daily, maybe 2 or 3 times on good days. With my current man, it’s twice a week at best, sometimes none at all. He’s never complained about it, and when I express interest or try to initiate when he’s ‘not in the mood’ (‘too tired’ is usually the excuse), he gets upset and says he feels pressured. A previous girlfriend of his berated him for having a low sex drive – I’ve always tried to be gentle about it, but I don’t know how else to fix that. We’ll be moving in together later this month – which could go one of three ways: we have sex more often, meaning he’ll get more ‘practice’ with me and be less likely to finish so quickly; we’ll keep having sex once a week, increasing my frustration, which will increase his anxiety, which will improve nothing; or I’ll just get used to taking care of myself most of the time, which I’m afraid will make him complacent. Nervous.

    3. Finally, once he does orgasm, that’s it for the day at least. We’ve never done it twice in a row – the one and only time we tried (about 3 hours later, he was able to get fully hard and initiated it), he said it was taking him too long to come (>10 minutes), and he got frustrated, lost his erection, and insisted we just go to sleep. I was of course happy to continue, but he just wasn’t having any of it.

    I want to know when the best time is to start one or all of these conversations: during foreplay? The ‘let’s slow down’ approach hasn’t worked, but I’m not sure how else to phrase it.
    During sex? If I notice him getting close, should I ask him to hold back (at risk of ‘putting him off’ and upsetting him – I’m less concerned about his reaction as I am about future anxiety)
    After sex? I doubt that would go down well. ‘So, next time…’
    At a completely different time, clothes-on, away from the bedroom?
    I’ve thought of telling him that ‘I need more time’ with him, but I’m worried that’ll come across as condescending. I don’t want to exacerbate his anxiety, but I still want to be satisfied in bed with him.

    A few things that might provide background:
    – his previous long-term girlfriend had vaginismus, and sex was excruciating for her, so I have a feeling that that’s when he ‘learned’ to be as quick as possible. He makes a point of foreplay, which usually gets me off first, but not always. Might also explain his apparent lack of desire to initiate.
    – foreplay is regular and satisfying, but pretty mechanical. Recently I’ve been trying more persistently to guide him, but it’s usually: kiss for a few minutes; grope boobs for one minute; hands down my pants, furiously stimulate me til I finish; grab condom. I like to mix it up, but the few times I’ve tried to change it up, he’s gotten self conscious and lost the mood. I don’t typically have trouble finishing, thank god.
    – he takes a considerable amount of time finishing via oral – the first time I did it, he said he couldn’t normally come that way. Interesting, but not sure how to use that to my advantage.
    – he suffers from pretty serious GAD – he admits to being anxious about almost literally everything in life (work, money, housing prices, international politics, traffic, the price of milk, EVERYTHING), but refuses to treat it. I am a psychology graduate so every time I try to bring it up as an issue that needs to be dealt with, he says he feels like I’m just overzealously ‘diagnosing’ him or being irrational, rather than expressing a genuine and legitimate concern about his wellbeing.
    – twice now he’s had episodes of ‘sexsomnia’ – like sleepwalking, but with sex. He sits up in the middle of the night, wakes me up, ravages me (once lasting a relatively long time), and wakes up halfway through or afterwards with no memory whatsoever of initiating sex. The first time, he got so upset thinking I ‘took advantage’ of him while he slept, when it was him who woke me up at 2am by passionately kissing me and taking off my clothes.
    — pretty sure the sleep sex is a sign that he’s holding back – I’m sure Freud would have a lot to say about this!

    In short – I love being with him. I’m incredibly attracted to him, physically, emotionally, intellectually. I adore the man, and plan to spend my life with him. He turns me on *so much*: and that’s the problem!

    I hope you can help, because it’s such a delicate topic to begin with, let alone the fact that he’s dealing with so much anxiety and has such a weird history with women that he’s clearly still carrying with him.

    Thanks so much,
    D.

    • Hi D
      Sorry to hear you’re having such a difficult time connecting sexually with your partner. It must be frustrating loving him to much and having all this going on.
      To be honest, most of what you said sounds probably right to me. I’m guessing the lack of experience, or at least positive experience, is playing a big role, along with the past bad experience with the Ex and the anxiety in general.
      The good news is that in terms of lasting time, it could be much, much worse. I think there’s a good foundation to build on there. He just needs to tackle the anxiety, as you say, and be willing to open up to a conversation about what makes good sex.
      And that’s the key for me – I don’t think he really understands the importance of sex, and the importance of communicating properly about it. Maybe he’s never done that, or never felt like it was a constructive, enjoyable thing. And that might be your challenge – to somehow get him to see that it’s a time for you both to connect at another level, but with the same intimacy and love that you do at other levels.
      I think the best time won’t be just before or after sex, but at another time when you’re both feeling cozy, close and relaxed. If you tackle it when he’s in heightened anxiety mode – i.e. sex – it’s probably not going to work well. I think you need to help him take a step back and look at your sex life together. And ultimately be honest with him, but in a gentle way. As I said many times in comments here, I think the key is to get the guy thinking about in terms of teamwork, rather than criticizing and leaving him to try and work out what to do alone.
      It sounds like you’re a bright person with your feet on the ground. I’m sure if you keep plugging away at this, you’ll get there!
      Hope that helps!
      Ethan

    • Hey sounds like the guys not attracted to you. He doesn’t have sex very often and tries to get it over with. He has sex with you in his sleep because he’s dreaming your someone else. I’m a man who has done this.

  • Hi me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years and we have a 5 month old. Last night we had sex and we went at it for awhile and then he ejaculaged. I didnt! He told me he likes that position (reverse cowgirl) I told him I didn’t get off and he said oh well me coming early could be good or bad. Good I’m assuming is good position, fully turned on, all the “good” factors. What would make it bad that he still ejaculates tho. It’s not a problem of lasting longer because mostly we have that down pat.

    • Hi Marissa
      I guess if it’s only a problem in that one position, then there isn’t really a problem, not anything bad! Perhaps save that position until you’re both ready to finish.
      Ethan

  • Hello Ethan

    Ok so my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now with no kids or distractions and are super happy. He works 40 hours a week and is 23 years old. The only issue is his timing. He used to last 30 min last year now it’s 10-15 min. We have sex twice a week. We both are very active so I assume he just doesn’t have the energy but I would rather know. After he cums within small amount of time he can’t get it back up. He apologizes then falls asleep. I never get angry at him because I know it’s out of his control and I love him so I never want him to feel hurt in any way. I love the tips you gave but I don’t know where to start because I can’t find the source of the issue. If you can lead me that would be great. Thanks!

    • Hi Shantell
      It’s really impossible for me to say what could be happening. My first thought is that it could just be a mix of differences in libido, satisfaction and a little bit of effort.
      Guys in the beginning, like girls too, will try hard to really have the best sex possible. But over time, we develop a way of knowing exactly what gets us there quickest, and stop worrying so much about having extra-long sex sessions. Usually subconscious, it just kind of happens in time.
      The good news is that 10-15 mins is very good length of time, and not an indicator of a problem with premature ejaculation. I imagine if he put his mind to it, he could last longer but controlling the positions, speed, stroke etc. So I guess you need to talk openly about how you feel. If you need 30 mins to finish, not 10-15 then it’s a problem I guess. In which case if he knows that, maybe he can work with you to spend that time again. But if you both finish, and you just want more because you like it, you’ll have to discuss the libido difference. He might just think that if you both orgasm, it’s ok to relax and fall asleep – as most people would to be honest!
      So, in short – communication and honesty is the first step. Then work out together where the balance lies between you both being satisifed.
      Ethan

  • Hello Ethan,
    Ive been havin the same issue with my boyfriend. He cums in almost a minute a minute and a half if im lucky! Isnt that like too little amount of time? Ive already talked to him about it. He keeps tellin me “you’re too hot I cant help it” and also i feel like he’s overthinkin and always worried that he isnt pleasing me so thats affecting even more. Ive read the article and it sounds really helpful but if theres anything else u can tell me it would be great! Thank you
    – Sarah

    • Hi Sarah
      It is quite a short time – mainly because you’re not happy. To be honest, I think the article has a huge amount of tips to try out! If you work your way through them, there’s a really good chance you’ll be able to improve the situation. It’s a pretty complete look at the main ways to deal with it.
      Ethan

  • I have been dating my boyfriend for over 2 years and I have NEVER climaxed during penetration and during oral it can take me 30mins. He ejaculates within 5 minutes (oral or otherwise) and sometimes can even have trouble getting hard so I’m not sure if using a delay spray would help. It has been this way since the beginning of our relationship and I love him so I didn’t care but I am left hanging often. And to add insult to injury he is not very well endowed. He can be average size hard on a good day but soft, his balls tend to be larger. Definitely a “show-er”. He has always struggled with weight and a really bad snoring problem and lately I think he realizes when I’m not satisfied after and constantly asks me if I came. I don’t lie. Should I ask him about seeing a doctor? And do you have any info on possible natural penis growth?

    • Hi Bblean
      So, let’s look at the two separate issues.

      1. I think if he has a small looking penis when soft, but it’s fine when erect, there’s no need to work on the growth. And to be honest, it’s not the easiest thing to achieve, and telling him it’s too small is going to be a serious psychological blow. Personally, I’d leave that emotional pandora’s box firmly closed.
      Having said that, if he has erection problems sometimes, he could try things that will improve the erection strength, and that in itself will increase the size naturally. Again though, you’d need to tackle that one very sensitively! You might be better off trying to encourage him to exercise and eat healthier, both things which can improve erection strength.

      2. In terms of lasting, well the good news is that 5 mins isn’t too bad. It’s average and so not an indicator of a serious problem. Even though you might not be happy still, my point is that it should be easier to extend that time. Easier than for a guy who comes in seconds for example. You might find that by working with him to put into action all the tips in the article, things improve easily. If not, then you could try the things that require some more effort, like a delay spray or techniques like the start and stop.

      So, to sum up, this is what would happen in the ideal world – as I see it:

      1. healthier lifestyle to improve erection issue.

      2. try the techniques in the article. Speak to him about this (sensitively) and work on them together.

      3. if they don’t help, try a spray if he gets on top of the erection issue. If not, work on the start and stop together during sex.

      Hope that helps
      Ethan

  • Hello. I am 30 years old today. Ever since becoming sexually active in my early teens I have been known to last a long time during sex and sometimes too long, ita been a burden and a blessing at times that I last too long to the point after my girl orgasm so many times soaking the bed sheets. it’s sometime right to just give up, she gets sore and dried out. and she and I lose interest . Sometimes due to maybe alcohol consumption is high, Masturbation that particular day, or just wanting the satisfaction on pleasing my partner over and over sometime s keeps me.going
    . I Never been able to orgasm using condoms ever and always went raw dog, and thats probably why I am having multiple children. love my kids and always take full responsibility for it as a good.father
    Children are never a.miatake, but maybe the partners I end up with it’s a mixed bag of good and bad that Now I have found for the first time in life. I can barely.last 5-10 minutes even with a condom on. so now I can work on not being the father of our country
    Ans Its Great for me, as it is not as much work for her or I to get me off. No more pouring sweat. but not as much for her as I used to had went to nearly a hour man to minutes man now. I’ve been practicing the ropes technique and prolonging orgasm for nearly a hour even with masturbations events to have a very powerful and sometimes multiple orgasms for years

    I have the same Masturbation schedule for the most part and watching porn, alcohol, the same. I have Been with the same girl for some time now. So increase in being turned on seems like not a possibility and I think she may losing a bit of faith in my abilities as of late
    . Is this permanent or something temporary
    I just became much for sensitive lately. I only thing different is I just started sythroid for hypothyroidism and recently got laid off my job. Could any of the reasons mentioned be the cause? Or Any idea why? Just Getting older? Any one with any feedback be appreciated.

    • Hi Ghammy
      Thanks for sharing your interesting story. To be honest, I don’t know why you suddenly had this total change in your lasting time. It’s not always easy to work out. It’s possible it’s connected to your medication, but only a doctor would be able to tell you that. I don’t know much about sythroid , but just looking at the list of possible side effects gives the impression that it can have various physiological effects.
      Sorry I can’t help more!
      Ethan

  • If your guy blows his load super fast, then you guys need to focus on your orgasm first. I’m a guy that shoots pretty quick, b/c I get worked up. When I get horny it’s like I’m the Hulk; I just get super-aggressive and can blow my load pretty fast (like 3-5 minutes of intercourse). However, I’m dominant, and I like submissive women that like to get worked over. What I do is use all of my sexual frustration to spank, pull hair, bark orders, and just man-handle my woman. The girls I’ve been with, spanking, dirty talk, and hair-pulling is our idea of foreplay. None of this slow kissing stuff. I make them bend over, spank them, put them into no-win situations that they struggle against… basically trigger all their “submissive victim” buttons that get them wet. When she’s worked up, I’ll work her pussy over. The trick is knowing how to work a pussy well w/o using your dick. Every guy thinks just shoving his dick in will magically make a girl have an O. Some get lucky. Others know what they’re doing. If you know what you’re doing, then you can make her O each and every time. Put your two middle fingers in her from the front and pull out from her to hit her g-spot. (eg: if she was laying on the bed, you’d insert your fingers and pull upwards, like you’re trying to lift her off the bed, not upwards like you’re trying to slide her up the bed). Then press back down, then up again… and build up a rhythm and pace. Eventually you’ll hit a pace that’s up-down about 4-5 times a second, and the immense pressure constantly hitting and releasing on her g-spot will make her blow in a bit. Then you work her clit over. The clit is like a penis; the sensitivity on it can change each time you have sex. Sometimes it’s the base that needs to be rubbed, other times the tip. Sometimes a circular motion works, other times a back-n-forth. You figure out what’s doing it for her and KEEP DOING THAT. Most guys will find some motion that’s working for the girl, then think “oh, yeah, she’s really into this… I’ll do THIS now and she’ll think I’m a sex god!” NO. Whatever you’re doing to get her squirming… keep doing that. Women tend to get off with steady, reliable movements they can grind against. The fastest way to frustrate a woman is to have a good motion going then just change it on her. If she’s grinding and getting close to a clitoral O, keep up the motion and let her get into the groove. If you’re with a woman that can multiple O, then you work her clit and g-spot over back-n-forth until she’s orgasmed out. THEN you bend her over or spread her and ride her to blow a huge load into her and seal the deal. If she’s had enough orgasms to leave her a mess on the bed, then she won’t care if you last 3 minutes. In fact, she’ll welcome it, b/c she’ll be too spent to have drawn-out sex. Now, if she’s the type that absolutely wants to have 30 minutes of sex using your penis to get her off… sorry. Either find another woman or go find an ED doctor that will give you drugs. What we term “ED” was an evolutionary development in some cultures where guys would get off quickly, and do so multiple times in one evening to try to ensure pregnancy. Guys that blow quickly usually get it up a bit quicker, and usually can blow 3-4 times a night. It’s just women feel that once a guy blows his load he’s done. Or she goes “omg, you blew so fast… party’s over”. No. Party’s not over. You switch to manual or oral, then come back to blow another load when you get up again. Sex is about pleasuring each other. If you blow your load in 5 minutes, and only focus on your own orgasm first, you’ll be seen as the worst lover ever. If you focus on her orgasm(s) first, then take 3 minutes to shoot a load in her after she’s spent, you’ll be seen as an amazing lover. It’s a matter of getting her off first.

    • Hi there
      Thanks for your very entertaining, and in many ways accurate, advice. I think many women who read this article (remember it was written for women, not men!) might benefit from printing your comment and showing it to their fella – assuming they like the submissive stuff!
      Ethan

  • So my boyfriend comes within a minute or two, and to top it off he has bo sex drive, and I have never been able to orgasm by any guy at all, only by myself. Any advice is helpful but really want I want to ask, because i dont know what its called and i cant find it anywhere on google- after he cums initially, it can take him an hour or longer for other liquids to finish coming out of his penis, he has to wrap a paper towl around it and change it out two or a few times. Its never much after he actually cums, but enough that he cant just throw his boxers back on like any other guy. Any idea what this is called or any information on it at all? Ive scoured google and found nothing

    • Hi Sigh
      That can happen to some guys. It’s usually just fluid which wasn’t properly ejaculated. He can try “milking” his penis to get it all out after sex rather than waiting for nature to takes its course. It could also be that his body is continuing to produce fluids, even though he ejaculated. He could speak to a urologist if milking doesn’t seem to make it stop.
      I’m also wondering – if you say his sex drive is low, does that mean you don’t have sex often? If so, it could be that he just has a big build up from the lack of sex, so when he ejaculates it continues coming out for some time – especially if he naturally produces a large amount anyway, which some guys just do.
      Ethan

  • My husband and I have never had orgasm. We have been together for 7 years but not stimulated in sex. He mostly cums after 2 minutes and rarely makes less than 10mins. I had a boyfriend before him with whom I could last for over 30mins sex and orgasm so I feel wasted in my libido. I have tried to tell him to improve see a doc or drop some habits like drinking alcohol. I have reached a point where I don’t even want to have sex and am wondering if the marriage will last. We already have 3 kids and currently expecting a fourth. His case I term it as selfish coz when dating he could take his time. Am even wondering if he has been seeing someone else bcoz even after staying for a week without sex his ejaculate load is so little like someone who has sex daily. What next now I so much need good sex like the one I used to have while in college over 10 years ago. I still miss the game then.

    • Hi Macylina
      Sorry to hear you have an issue with your sex life. Unfortunately, I think as time goes by many guys do stop trying so hard to please their partner, and get used to a routine which is hard to step back from. I think maybe the best thing is to keep talking to him about how you feel. It’s not going to magically resolve without his consent to try different things, or willingness to explore other techniques. Do try the techniques in the article, as many of them can help a lot. And see if he’s willing to try out a delay spray for example. Some times they work wonders, others not. But it’s worth trying. At the end of the day though, you need to calmly and nicely let him know that it’s a serious issue for you and you want to work on it with him.
      Ethan

    • I’ve shot small loads after masturbation and large ones. I think it’s the whole work up to it. but short or not if you get it I’m happy and will finish you one way or another

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