What To Do If Your Boyfriend Always Comes Too Quickly

a woman looking disappointed after sexIt’s a dreaded feeling that I know only too well. That agonizing frustration when my boyfriend comes too fast when we have sex.

The worst thing is that you know why your sex-life is disappointing, but don’t know what to do about it.

You wish you could talk to him about it honestly, but you’re too worried that he’ll take it badly.

You just don’t want to shatter his self-confidence and make him feel inadequate. If this sounds all too familiar, then this article will give you plenty of good ideas to deal with the problem.

First things first – are you talking about it yet?

If you’re already talking about the problem together, then great. You’ve already taken the most important step. If that’s the case, you’re probably looking for practical ideas that will make your boyfriend last longer during sex.

If you’re reading this because it’s a problem which you’ve never spoken of, then that’s a different scenario altogether.

After the list of solutions there’s a section which should help you work out how to talk to him about it. You can skip straight to that if you prefer.

1) Develop ejaculation control naturally

There are a range of effective techniques you can do when making love to help your partner learn to control his arousal levels and ejaculation.

It can take some time to see good results, but it’s definitely worth giving it a shot. If you work together on the problem, this is the best way to actually cure it rather than rely permanently on desensitizing products.

I also think it’s a good idea to learn as much as possible about the problem. There are a couple of good premature ejaculation books which talk you through the background and the exercises step by step.

In many ways it’s helpful to present him with real solutions. You can give him the book, then leave it to him to decide to read it or not. I can guarantee he will!

To find out more, you might like to take a look at our recommended premature ejaculation guides.

2) Delay sprays

Delay sprays are especially useful for men with premature ejaculation due to physical sensitivity, but will also help most guys last longer. If your partner agrees to try one, you’ll probably see immediate results.

They contain a numbing agent which reduces his sensitivity, usually Benzocaine or Lidocaine. He would apply it shortly before having sex, wipe the remainder off so it doesn’t transfer to you, and off you go.

There are many different kinds on the market, so you might find our reviews of the best delay sprays helpful.

 3) Benzocaine condoms

These kind of condoms also contain a numbing agent. They sometimes cause problems with maintaining an erection, but for some guys they can be really helpful.

If your boyfriend doesn’t have issues wearing condoms, they may help his level of control. Find out about the 3 most popular types of benzocaine condoms.

4) Thicker than normal condoms

This speaks for itself really – we all know that condoms reduce sensitivity, and so getting something like a Durex extra-thick condom can help. However, it may reduce your pleasure as well.

5) Pills

Doctors sometimes prescribe anti-depressants for premature ejaculation, and they have proven to be quite effective.

The problem is though that he would need to take them every day and it can take weeks to work properly. And he also then needs to deal with the possible side-effects.

In many countries you can now get Dapoxetine. This is only taken each time before sex, but still carries some risks of side effects.

6) Foreplay, and more of it

There’s a clever idea around arousal balancing which may help. The idea is that he spends longer on foreplay which focuses on you specifically, thus bringing your arousal levels higher while keeping his at bay.

7) Use oral sex to your advantage

This can work in two ways: he could bring you to orgasm through oral and manual stimulation first; or bring you almost to the point and then have sex at the last moment. It’s up to you two to decide what will work best.

8) Choose your sex positions wisely

Diagram Of The Missionary PositionSome sex positions will make your boyfriend come too quickly, and others will help him delay ejaculation a little longer.

The best positions are any with you on top, or sideways positions like spoons.

The worst positions are missionary and from behind on all fours or stood up.

The idea is that he needs to keep relaxed. Any position which involves him tensing his stomach, groin, thighs and lower back are bad.

It also helps to change positions, so if he’s getting too aroused then either you or he needs to change the position.

9) Have him masturbate before, or make sure you have sex more than once

Your boyfriend will always last longer the second time round. So think of ways you can make that work to your advantage.

10) Use lubricant

If your man feels pressure on the head of his penis when he enters you, it will make him come quicker. It’s as simple as that.

11) Remember to breathe

Breathing can play an important role. Remind him to slow down and take longer, deeper breaths if you hear him panting. On a wider note, try to help him keep relaxed during sex. If you feel him tensing up, tell him to keep it calm.

12) Have sex more often

If you only have sex once or twice a week then he’ll never last that long due to the excitement. Especially if he is not masturbating in-between.

Practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.

13) Set the right pace

If you’re going at it hammer and tongs, then your boyfriend will come too fast. Slow down, relax and enjoy a change in pace.

He may also find it helpful to sometimes stop doing such deep strokes, and just do smaller ones at the entrance.

And if even that’s too much, he can withdraw completely and give you some oral while he recovers.

14) Work on the sexual performance anxiety

If your man’s worrying about pleasing you, then he will probably end up ejaculating too soon. If he feels less pressure, and that you’re happy and enjoying your sex life together, then he will last longer.

So even if he does climax early every time, making him feel that you still enjoy the physicality will help in the long run. If you think he struggles with anxiety, have a read of this longer article about sexual performance anxiety, and see if he’ll look at it too.

Haven’t spoken to your partner yet?

Just how severe is his premature ejaculation?

"there is a big difference between severe PE and lasting 5 minutes"When you say your boyfriend comes too quickly, what do you mean? There are a few different scenarios:

  • He comes during foreplay, before you even start having penetrative sex.
  • He ejaculates very soon during sex, for example within a minute or two.
  • He lasts for a good few minutes – let’s say the average time of 5 minutes for a guy, but it’s not long enough for you to have an orgasm.
  • It’s a mix of all of the above at different times.

There are two ways of defining premature ejaculation. One is that he comes within 2 minutes of actual sex, or before. The other is that he comes before either you or he want him to.

But there’s a big difference between a boyfriend who always comes within a minute, and a boyfriend who lasts 5 minutes or longer, but still not long enough for you.

The first is clearly a bigger problem, and may or may not be harder to deal with. The second you may be able to work on together relatively easily using some of the tips in this article.

How do you tell your boyfriend he comes too quickly?

Jokingly slapping him in the face the next time your boyfriend orgasms too soon is not going to inspire him to take action.

But then neither is silence.

Only you really know your own relationship, your partner and yourself. There are no magic words which will fit every situation.

But one thing is for sure, talking to him about this is absolutely essential if you want to see change.

The reasons why talking to him about it is important

First of all let’s look at the reasons why communication is essential if you want your partner to last longer:

  • All of the best options for fixing premature ejaculation involve his agreement. If he doesn’t accept the situation and take some responsibility, then things will probably not improve.
  • He may need to do some personal ‘re-training’ to learn to last longer. Not in a training a dog kind of way, but in a ‘I’m taking responsibility and doing something about it’ kind of way.
  • There are some excellent products which can help him last longer. But you can’t secretly attack his penis with a numbing spray. He needs to agree to use it.
  • Finally, anxiety can play a big role. And one of the best ways to reduce that is if your man feels he can communicate with you about sex. And that you are working together as a team on the issue.

Picking the moment and having some ideas at the ready

talk to him about coming too quickly in a sensitive but honest wayIf you already have a good level of communication, then things should be much easier. If you never actually talk about sex, or intimacy, then you will need to start.

Whatever the case, there may be no easy way of saying it that doesn’t hurt his feelings. But there are things you can do to limit his embarrassment:

  • Pick the right moment. Not just after another session where he comes too quickly. Nor when either of you are stressed or busy. Find a moment when you’re both relaxed and enjoying each others company.
  • Have some ideas of what you can do to manage the problem. If you do decide to tell him outright that you want to do something to help him last longer, then have some ideas at the ready. Don’t immediately flood him with them though. Wait and see if he’s willing to talk about it first.
  • Try to be constructive and talk in terms of seeing what you can do to last longer. Don’t just tell him he has a problem and leave it at that.
  • Despite that, you will need some level of honesty. But be sure to first tell him how much you love, like, fancy, respect or care for him. He may feel bad, or relieved when you bring it up, but be sure to make him feel wanted.

It’s really up to you to work out how to talk to him. Just remember to be non-critical. Try not to make him feel like a failure, and that you do enjoy getting physical with him.

It’s about making him feel wanted, and at the same time that you are a team who can work together to have the best possible sex.


You’ve probably got the message by now that the single most important factor is communication. Only when you are talking about it openly will the best techniques to help your boyfriend last longer become available.

The more of these techniques you put together, the better chance you’ll have of helping your boyfriend, husband or partner last long enough to satisfy you.

Just to summarize then, these are the three main ideas for you to think about:

  • See if he’s willing to learn and practice the natural ejaculation control techniques.
  • Try out a delay spray.
  • Remember to put into practice all the practical foreplay and sex tips.

If he’s willing to try out natural techniques, or you want to know more about them yourself, I do recommend checking out our recommended premature ejaculation guides.


138 CommentsLeave a comment

    • Hi Sheavani
      It’s impossible to say what the cause is, as there are many possible reasons. The only worry is if he refuses to try and do something about it. My advice would be to talk to him openly about it, but in as nice and non-critical way as possible. Suggest the technique you read in this article and try to get him to work together to improve the time for both of your enjoyment.

  • Hi there,
    Me and my boyfriend are planning on getting together in a couple of months but he has just told me he will only last a few seconds. It will be both our first time but I just don’t know what to do or how to react because I know it will take me longer. Any advice?

    • Hi H
      Well the good news is that he’s obviously someone who isn’t shy to talk about sex and any concerns or problems that might arise. And that’s half the battle in my experience, both personally and reading countless comments from both men and women.
      It also probably means he’s really anxious. Maybe he ejaculates quickly when masturbating, or maybe he’s just worried it might happen. Who knows – it might not even happen!
      My advice is to not worry too much about it or run away. Don’t let this issue become something that spoils what should be special – even if a lot of the time, the first sexual encounters with someone new are a bit of a mixed bag anyway!
      I think the best thing is to just take things really slowly, and not put pressure on either of you to have the most amazing sex ever. If it’s both your first time, it’s likely to both beautiful and slightly stressful at the same time! It takes time to get to know someone sexually and for things to gel. So, if he does get aroused really quickly, so what? You can just take it easy, let him recover and go for a second round. The best thing is not to just stop when he ejaculates. Keep going with foreplay, manual, oral, kissing, cuddling, whatever until he’s ready to go again. It’s always better the second time. If he’s open to talking about sex, then you can create an atmosphere where you have long, enjoyable sexual encounters without intercourse being the only goal or end product. That way there’s less pressure, and you can both enjoy it as much as possible.

  • Hi I’m mpumy. I have find it so difficulty to have sex with my boyfriend. He always ejaculate first and I hate it. I told him but he seems not changing. I’m about to leave him because I find this so difficult

    • Hi Mpumi
      Sorry to hear it’s gotten to the point where you want to leave him. It’s a shame he hasn’t changed since you told him. But did you consider solutions together, or did you just tell him and leave it with him? Perhaps it might be worth trying again and seeing if he’s willing to have a serious conversation about things you can do together to last longer.

  • My partner finishes within two minutes of sex and even when I begin with oral on him or other methods of foreplay it is around the same. He refuses to perform oral on me or do any foreplay as he says he doesn’t like it, resulting in me being very dissatisfied and often upset that I’m giving him everything I can and not receiving a lot in return.

    • Hi Millie
      Sorry to hear you’re having trouble in that way. It’s a shame when guys act in this way, as it does sound selfish on his part. Do you know why he doesn’t like it? Has he never liked it, or did that start at some point after you got together? I think you need to have an honest chat with him about how you feel, preferably at a good time and not in the moment of feeling unsatisfied. Hopefully he will listen if you tell him seriously, but kindly, that it’s a problem.

  • My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and he always cums within a min. It’s so so frustrating. He knows it and so he tries to make up for it by trying go down on me every single time we have sex. Now,i understand it’s a nice gesture and blah blah but honestly at this point I don’t even care about me getting off I just wanna have good, hard, atleast 5 minute sex!! It’s so bad sometimes I just avoid sex altogether which makes it even worse when we finally do have sex. I know I sound like a serious brat but my god, I just wanna get f’ed. Feels good to this off my chest!

    • Hi Jillian
      You don’t sound like a brat – everyone has their sexual desires and needs, and if you’re not being satisfied, then it’s hard not to complain! Have you spoken openly about it? As you can see in the article, there are tons of things you can do to improve the situation. If he’s willing to go down on your after, then he clearly cares. So with the right wording, hopefully you can get him into “team mode” where you can enjoy experimenting with finding ways to last longer together.

  • Hello! So Me an my boyfriend been together for a year now, an he’s the most loving, caring, and thoughtful guy I’v ever been with, but OMG as soon as he enters me he gives me this look which indicates he has already Ejaculated. Its very very frustrating I get so upset but Ofcourse his response is “Its not my Fault You Got Some Good” an it just irritates me because I can’t get it out my head that when it comes to our sex life he’s very selfish.
    I want to have a talk with him but, I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
    Please any advice???

    • Hi Mya
      It’s understandably a tough situation, and not easy to balance saying what you need with not insulting him. As I said in the article, the key is to pick the right moment, stay calm and positive, non-critical and try to work with him on this. It’s important to make him feel like this is something you want to work on together, and that there are things that can be done to improve your satisfaction too. If he is as loving and thoughtful as you say, he probable knows it’s not great, but might not know what to do about it. So have some ideas at the ready, and discuss them with him.

    • Hi my boyfriend says the same, I love and dont want anyone else but he just doesnt want it as much as i do. Pills are dangerous and feel guilty when he takes them but he so much longer and the sex is out of this world. Im so not doing well i need and he wants beer.

  • I’ve really never done anything like this before. I like answers but mostly I like puzzles. I like to figure things out on my own, but for something like this I’m really annoyed. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. When we first started he was on a 2 year dry spell, whilst I just came out of a 4 year relationship. Sex in the beginning was fine. We would see each other a few times a week. Have sex multiple times and he would ejaculate in about 15-20 min each time. But now we have been living together and there are a few things that really tick me off.
    For starters he works 10-12 hours 4 days a week, but surprisingly that isn’t my problem. My problem is that he decides that before he goes to work he wants to flip my switch and “tease me” before he jets off to work. Leaving me aroused for hours. When he comes home he either drinks and watches tv until he gets tired (even after I try to areouse him) or we have sex for about a min or two and he cums. Leaving me sexually dissatisfied and highly annoyed. For example: just last night after 4 days of teasing me and going to bed he finally initiated having sexual activity. After about 30ish seconds I would say he finished. Me obviously being annoyed I got off of him, got quiet, cleaned myself off and went out side. He followed me to ask me if I was upset that he finished so quickly to which I said yes (instigated the arguement but claims I was the one with a problem.) then tells me that he would do oral on me to get me there or at least try to get it back up and try again. So after about 10 min I came back inside to try and have play time yet again & he said he was going to sleep. Me being obviously justifiably peeved I went to bed to find out that he stayed up for 3 more hours fueling my fire.
    I’m not sure how to fix this problem. I’m not sure what to do. I have a very high sex drive that is a craving that is not being satisfied and I love him. He’s a great guy, but he does not follow through and he finishes really quickly. So how in the world do I bring this up without making him feel like he’s doing something bad or without me sounding like a whining, selfish bitch?

    • Hi Kiana
      Sorry to hear you’re having this issue with your partner. First of all, I don’t think you’re being selfish here – on the contrary, I think he’s the one who’s not really paying enough attention to the sexual needs of both of you, and had like many guys probably just become a bit lazy and careless sexually.
      I think the best thing is to pick the right moment – when you’re together, feeling calm and relaxed – and tell him how you feel. Importantly, try to put a serious, but positive slant on it by saying you want to work on it together. Remind him how amazing the sex was when you first got together, and that you miss that. Picking the words is never easy in this situation, but I think the main thing is to try to be the calm one, and stay focused on the end goal. If you fight about it or criticize or blame, nothing will change. If you talk openly, but calmly, there’s a chance he’ll come on board and work with you to improve things.
      If he totally refuses or buries his head in the sand, then maybe get tough at a later date!

  • pls am aving dis little problem with ma guy it has been 4 years now since we dated we ave been living very happily without bt in team of sex issues i always complain abt he easily get tired and cannot even go for like 2-3 time in bed sumtime i dt filled ok when he will weak and tired so pls guide me and advice me maybe to leave de relationship or to continued de relationship dat the will be change,thanks lady A

    • Hi there
      I think the first thing to do is speak to him honestly about how you feel, but at the right moment. It’s not helpful to complain or criticize during or just after sex. Instead, find a moment when you’re both together, feeling calm and happy, and then talk about it sensitively. You can tell him you’d like to work together to try and find a way to make the sex last longer. If he is willing to do this, then there are lots of options to try listed in the article.

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