What To Do If Your Boyfriend Always Comes Too Quickly

a woman looking disappointed after sexIt’s a dreaded feeling that I know only too well: that agonizing frustration when my boyfriend comes too fast when we have sex.

The worst thing is that you know why your sex life is disappointing, but don’t know what to do about it.

You wish you could talk to him about it honestly, but you’re too worried that he’ll take it badly, be upset or angry even. And if you care about him, you probably don’t want to shatter his self-confidence or make him feel inadequate.

If this sounds all too familiar, this article will set you on the path to dealing with the problem as effectively and kind-heartedly as possible.

First things first – are you talking about it yet?

If you’re already talking about the problem together, then great. You’ve already taken the most important step. If that’s the case, you’re probably looking for practical ideas that will make your boyfriend last longer during sex.

If you’re reading this because it’s a problem which you’ve never spoken of, it’s a different scenario altogether. So at the end of the article there’s a section which should help you work out how to talk to him about it.

1) Develop ejaculation control naturally

There are a range of effective techniques you can practice when making love to help your partner learn to control his arousal levels and ejaculation.

It can take some time to see good results, but it’s definitely worth giving it a shot. If you work together on the problem, this is the best way to actually cure it rather than rely permanently on desensitizing products.

The one I most recommend is the start and stop technique, which he can practice alone and/or with you. There are other techniques, such as the squeeze technique and kegels, but we feel the start and stop is the best one.

2) Delay sprays

Delay sprays are especially useful for men with premature ejaculation due to physical sensitivity, but can help most guys last longer. If your partner agrees to try one, you’ll probably see immediate results.

They contain a numbing agent which reduces his sensitivity, usually Benzocaine or Lidocaine. He would apply it shortly before having sex, wipe the remainder off so it doesn’t transfer to you, and then he should last longer.

There are many different desensitizing options available, so you might find our reviews of the best delay sprays helpful.

3) Benzocaine condoms

These kind of condoms also contain a numbing agent. They sometimes cause problems with maintaining an erection, but for some guys they can be very helpful.

If your boyfriend doesn’t have a problem wearing condoms generally, they may help his level of control. You can find out more in our article looking at the pros and cons of benzocaine condoms.

4) Thicker than normal condoms

Most condoms can help reduce the physical sensitivity for guys, so even just wearing a normal condom will help him last longer than without one.

And if you want to go one step further, get him to wear an extra thick condom – especially if you’re not keen on the benzocaine idea.

The trade off is that it might reduce your pleasure, so this is one you need to decide on together.

5) Pills

Doctors sometimes prescribe anti-depressants for premature ejaculation, and they have proven to be quite effective.

The problem is though that he would need to take them every day, and it can take weeks to work properly. Anti-depressants also come with side effects of their own, which is why even though they might work, I’m not a fan of the idea personally.

In many countries you can now get the faster acting pill, Dapoxetine. This is only taken each time before sex, but still carries the risk of some side effects.

6) Foreplay, and more of it

Many guys are guilty of rushing as quickly as possible into sex, with foreplay being forgotten as the months and years roll by. But if you can get him to agree to this, it can make a huge difference.

The idea is that you use foreplay to balance your arousal levels. Guys get turned on much quicker than girls usually, so it’s great if you can have him spend more time focusing on you.

If he’s willing, get him to spend lots of time arousing you, so that when you finally have sex, he won’t need to last as long, since you’ll already be fully aroused from all that foreplay.

7) Use oral sex to your advantage

This can work in two ways: he could bring you to orgasm through oral and manual stimulation first; or bring you almost to the point and then have sex at the last moment. It’s up to you two to decide what will work best.

8) Choose your sex positions wisely

Some sex positions will make your boyfriend come too quickly, and others will help him last a little, or hopefully much, longer.

The best positions are any with you on top, or sideways positions like spoons. The worst positions are missionary and from behind on all fours or stood up.

The idea is that he needs to keep relaxed, so any position which involves him tensing his stomach, groin, thighs and lower back are bad.

It also helps to change positions, so if he’s getting too aroused then either you or he needs to change the position.

9) Get him to masturbate before, or have sex more than once

Your boyfriend will always last longer the second time round. So think of ways you can make that work to your advantage.

It might be that all you need to do is tell him subtly, or not so subtly, to tend to himself some time in the day before you have sex.

Alternatively, just don’t allow your sex session to end the second he ejaculates. Keep on enjoying each other in other ways, and when he’s ready to go again, he should last longer.

10) How lubricated are you?

If your guy feels too much pressure on the head of his penis during penetration, it will make him come quicker. So if you’re not naturally well lubricated, get a good water-based lubricant to have at the ready.

And if he’s overly keen, and trying to get inside before you know you’re wet enough, tell him to slow down and work on your arousal a bit longer.

11) Remember to breathe

Breathing can play an important role. Remind him to slow down and take longer, deeper breaths if you hear him panting. On a wider note, try to help him keep relaxed during sex. If you feel him tensing up, relax him with some massaging movements, or calming words.

12) Have sex more often

If you only have sex once or twice a week then he’ll never last very long due to the excitement – especially if he doesn’t masturbate regularly.

Practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.

13) Set the right pace

If you’re going at it hammer and tongs, then your boyfriend will struggle to last for very long. So try to slow down, relax and enjoy a change in pace.

He may also find it helpful to sometimes stop doing such deep strokes, and just do smaller ones at the entrance to your vagina.

And if even that’s too much, he can withdraw completely and give you some oral while he recovers.

14) Work on any sexual performance anxiety

If your man feels anxious and stressed about pleasing you, then he’ll probably end up ejaculating too soon. If he feels less pressure, and that you’re happy and enjoying your sex life together, then he’ll last longer.

So even if he does climax early every time, making him feel that you still enjoy the physicality will help in the long run. If you think he struggles with anxiety, have a read of this longer article about sexual performance anxiety, and see if he’ll look at it too.

What to do if you haven’t told your partner it’s an issue

Just how severe is his premature ejaculation?

"there is a big difference between severe PE and lasting 5 minutes"When you say your boyfriend comes too quickly, it’s important to realize that there are different grades to the issue. Here are a few different scenarios:

  • He comes during foreplay, before you even start having penetrative sex.
  • He ejaculates very soon during sex, for example within a minute or two.
  • He lasts for a good few minutes – let’s say the average time of 5 minutes for a guy, but it’s not long enough for you to have an orgasm.
  • It’s a mix of all of the above at different times.

The modern definition of premature ejaculation is that he comes before either you or he want him to, regardless of how long the exact time is.

But there’s a big difference between a partner who always comes within a minute, and a partner who lasts 5 minutes or longer, but it’s still not long enough for you to reach orgasm.

The first is clearly a bigger problem, and may or may not be harder to deal with. The second you may be able to work on together relatively easily using some of the tips in this article.

How do you tell your boyfriend he comes too quickly?

Complaining or making fun of him the next time your boyfriend orgasms too soon isn’t going to inspire him to take action.

But then neither is silence.

Only you really know your own relationship, your partner and yourself. There are no magic words which will fit every situation.

But one thing is for sure – talking to him about this is absolutely essential if you want to see change.

The reasons why talking to him about it is important

First of all, let’s look at the reasons why communication is essential if you want your partner to last longer:

  • All of the best options for fixing premature ejaculation involve his agreement. If he doesn’t accept the situation and take some responsibility, the problem probably won’t just go away.
  • He may need to do some personal work to better understand how his body works. Some of the best techniques for developing control need him to take some time to himself to practice them.
  • There are some effective products which can help him last longer. But you can’t secretly attack his penis with a numbing spray; he needs to agree to use it.
  • Finally, anxiety can play a big role. And one of the best ways to reduce that is if your man feels he can communicate with you about sex. And that you’re working together as a team on the issue.

Picking the moment and having some ideas at the ready

talk to him about coming too quickly in a sensitive but honest wayIf you already have a good level of communication, things should be much easier. If you never actually talk about sex, or intimacy, then you really need to start, even if it feels a little uncomfortable at first.

Whatever the case, there may be no easy way of saying it that doesn’t hurt his feelings. But there are things you can do to limit his embarrassment:

  • Pick the right moment. Not just after another session where he comes too quickly. Nor when either of you are stressed or busy. Find a moment when you’re both relaxed and enjoying each others company.
  • Have some ideas of what you can do to manage the problem. If you do decide to tell him outright that you want to do something to help him last longer, have some ideas at the ready. Don’t immediately flood him with them though. Wait and see if he’s willing to talk about it first.
  • Try to be constructive and talk in terms of seeing what you can do together to last longer. Don’t just tell him he has a problem and leave it at that.
  • Despite that, you will need some level of honesty. But be sure to first tell him how much you love, like, fancy, respect or care for him. He may feel bad, or relieved when you bring it up, but be sure to make him feel wanted.

It’s really up to you to work out how to talk to him. Just remember to be non-critical. Try not to make him feel like a failure, and that you really enjoy being intimate with him.

It’s about making him feel wanted, and at the same time that you’re a team who can work together to have the best possible sex.

Summary

You’ve probably got the message by now that the most important factor is communication. Only when you talk about it openly will the best techniques to help your boyfriend last longer become available.

The more of these techniques you put together, the better chance you’ll have of helping your boyfriend, husband or partner last long enough to satisfy you.

Just to summarize then, these are the three main ideas for you to think about:

  • See if he’s willing to learn and practice the natural ejaculation control techniques.
  • Try out a delay spray.
  • Remember to put into practice all the practical foreplay and sex tips.

If he’s willing to try out natural techniques, or you want to know more about them yourself, I do recommend checking out our recommended premature ejaculation guides.

Your views

Do you have problems with your partner not lasting long enough? How have you tried to deal with it so far? Feel free to leave a comment below.

149 CommentsLeave a comment

  • My boyfriend and I have been together about a year and a half. When we started dating our sex was crazy, mind blowing even! We’ve moved in together and things are great between us, I really think he’s the one I’ll end up getting married too. Over the past few months our sex life has become kind of lame. As soon as he puts it in he cums a couple strokes after that. We’ve tried different positions and some help but it’s never more than 5 minutes. He tries to keep going after he cums and sometimes he’ll stay hard enough to last a few minutes more and other times he won’t. I’m starting to get really frustrated because I’d like to stop faking my orgasms and get back to the great sex we were having when we met. What could have made the sex change so drastically and how can we get back to that?

    • Hi Jolie
      That’s a tough question to give you a clear answer to I’m afraid. There could be lots of reasons. Has anything changed in the way you have sex as time’s gone by? Do you have sex less frequently now? Do you have longer foreplay when you do? Was alcohol involved before, condoms or other things that can dull the sensitivity? Do you think maybe he can’t masturbate while you live together, so is more charged when you have sex? Does he seem to put less effort in than before, or do you go harder and faster than you used to?
      These are some questions to ask, all of which could play a role…and it’s not limited to just these!
      Ethan

  • Hi. I’ve been with my bf for 6 years and he always cums in like a minute. He’s really sensitive about it so anytime I bring it up he’s always like I’m such a useless let down I know you’ll leave me one day and it honestly makes me mad because I’m just trying to work on it but he makes it impossible to talk about it with! I suggested slowing down and he says it’s annoying and doesn’t work. Great.

    • Hi there
      It sounds like a fairly standard response, and he’s maybe playing the ‘poor me’ card as a self-defense mechanism. Either that, or he is actually genuinely worried you’ll leave him on day.
      Maybe when he says it’s annoying, what he really means is that he just doesn’t know how to stop himself, and is a bit lost. Alternatively, it’s a bit selfish of him to refuse to slow down. I’m sure it’s annoying for you when he finishes so quickly! Perhaps you could tell him you’ve found a product that might help, and get a delay spray or even a desensitizing condom that you can find in many shops – if you don’t think he’ll be annoyed by that. Or send him a link to one of my articles to read – he might show annoyance, but I bet he’ll read it if he thinks the site is worthwhile checking out.
      Ethan

  • Hi wonder if there’s any advice still going. Been with my bf for 3 years now and he always ejaculates within a minute and blames it in poor stamina… we have good foreplay etc so it’s not always bad. I love him and would love to help him but today i found a fake vagina (male stroker) in his bedroom drawer and it’s definitely been used. Is this why he only lasting so long. I fear after doing research on it it’s tighter etc. We have 2 kids I’m scared he has went to this because there’s something wrong with me when all along I thought he was the problem

    • Hi Loo
      Definitely – I never close any of the comments here!
      First up, I personally wouldn’t be too upset he’s got a stroker. Many guys do, and even the ones that don’t probably masturbate even if they have a partner!
      Depending on why he has it, it could actually be a positive sign. Let me explain. If he knows he has problems lasting during sex, he may have started looking online for ways to deal with it. And if so, there’s a good chance he will have found sites like this one, in which I advise guys to get a stroker to practice stamina control techniques when alone.
      So if that’s the case, it means he’s trying to do something about it. Premature ejaculation can be a really embarrasing problem for guys, so it’s possible he just didn’t want to tell you about his attempts to improve it, especially if he feels awkward about the stroker.
      Another point to mention is that it shouldn’t be responsible for making him ejaculate quicker in principle. If he’s using it regularly, then it should help him last longer with you.
      Now, of course there’s the possibility that he just likes those things, in the same way many women have vibrators or dildos from before they meet their partner and continue to have one hidden away. Just because someone gets a new partner doesn’t mean they have to throw away all their solo sex toys!
      So my advice is not to get upset by this and not see it in a bad way. Instead, focus on the real problem, which is your sex life together. If you choose to tell him you found his toy is up to you, but if you do, I recommend doing it in a light-hearted way or you might find he closes down about it.
      The best thing to help him, if that’s what you want to do, is talk nicely and openly about your sex life. You can propose ideas, such as those in the article. Try to get into team mode and work on the problem together. Only together can you defeat the problem, unless of course he’s doing all the right things and using that stroker to develop his stamina in private. And in my opinion, if he is, that’s fantastic as you’ll benefit from the results.
      Ethan

  • I just need someone to talk to. Me and my boyfriend have lots of sex. We have sex mainly because we both want it, but at times I ask myself why am I screwing you if you can’t even make me cum… He doesn’t do oral and he’s not into a woman’s body mentally… He doesn’t know or maybe doesn’t want to spend time focusing on pleasing me. It seems as if sex is just for him. When I don’t have sex with him he complains and I don’t want him running to other women for it…but what about when I want it? I know he’d go screw other women if I wasn’t making him cum every time we had sex. I haven’t experienced 4 play with him yet and its been a year. He’s acting pretty selfish to me and I don’t know what to do.

    • Hi Stacey
      Sorry to hear you’re having these issues with your bf. I think you really need to talk to him, nicely and honestly, about how you feel. Perhaps a gentle wake-up call will help. If not, then I suggest talking to him more seriously. It’s a fine balance between getting him to realise things aren’t great, and not hurting his feelings. That’s why I always suggest trying the team angle, in the hope you can get him on board with trying to make sex great for both of you.
      Ethan

  • My boyfriend ejaculates in a minute, even when having oral. He is 39 and this has been going on for about a year, he doesn’t last and it’s such a turn off. I think it’s time to move on.

    • Hi O
      I understand the frustration. But have you tried talking to him about it, and trying to find a way to make sex last longer together? Before giving up on him, it’s perhaps worth giving him a chance to improve.
      Ethan

    • Hi Sheavani
      It’s impossible to say what the cause is, as there are many possible reasons. The only worry is if he refuses to try and do something about it. My advice would be to talk to him openly about it, but in as nice and non-critical way as possible. Suggest the technique you read in this article and try to get him to work together to improve the time for both of your enjoyment.
      Ethan

  • Hi there,
    Me and my boyfriend are planning on getting together in a couple of months but he has just told me he will only last a few seconds. It will be both our first time but I just don’t know what to do or how to react because I know it will take me longer. Any advice?

    • Hi H
      Well the good news is that he’s obviously someone who isn’t shy to talk about sex and any concerns or problems that might arise. And that’s half the battle in my experience, both personally and reading countless comments from both men and women.
      It also probably means he’s really anxious. Maybe he ejaculates quickly when masturbating, or maybe he’s just worried it might happen. Who knows – it might not even happen!
      My advice is to not worry too much about it or run away. Don’t let this issue become something that spoils what should be special – even if a lot of the time, the first sexual encounters with someone new are a bit of a mixed bag anyway!
      I think the best thing is to just take things really slowly, and not put pressure on either of you to have the most amazing sex ever. If it’s both your first time, it’s likely to both beautiful and slightly stressful at the same time! It takes time to get to know someone sexually and for things to gel. So, if he does get aroused really quickly, so what? You can just take it easy, let him recover and go for a second round. The best thing is not to just stop when he ejaculates. Keep going with foreplay, manual, oral, kissing, cuddling, whatever until he’s ready to go again. It’s always better the second time. If he’s open to talking about sex, then you can create an atmosphere where you have long, enjoyable sexual encounters without intercourse being the only goal or end product. That way there’s less pressure, and you can both enjoy it as much as possible.
      Ethan

  • Hi I’m mpumy. I have find it so difficulty to have sex with my boyfriend. He always ejaculate first and I hate it. I told him but he seems not changing. I’m about to leave him because I find this so difficult

    • Hi Mpumi
      Sorry to hear it’s gotten to the point where you want to leave him. It’s a shame he hasn’t changed since you told him. But did you consider solutions together, or did you just tell him and leave it with him? Perhaps it might be worth trying again and seeing if he’s willing to have a serious conversation about things you can do together to last longer.
      Ethan

  • My partner finishes within two minutes of sex and even when I begin with oral on him or other methods of foreplay it is around the same. He refuses to perform oral on me or do any foreplay as he says he doesn’t like it, resulting in me being very dissatisfied and often upset that I’m giving him everything I can and not receiving a lot in return.

    • Hi Millie
      Sorry to hear you’re having trouble in that way. It’s a shame when guys act in this way, as it does sound selfish on his part. Do you know why he doesn’t like it? Has he never liked it, or did that start at some point after you got together? I think you need to have an honest chat with him about how you feel, preferably at a good time and not in the moment of feeling unsatisfied. Hopefully he will listen if you tell him seriously, but kindly, that it’s a problem.
      Ethan

  • My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and he always cums within a min. It’s so so frustrating. He knows it and so he tries to make up for it by trying go down on me every single time we have sex. Now,i understand it’s a nice gesture and blah blah but honestly at this point I don’t even care about me getting off I just wanna have good, hard, atleast 5 minute sex!! It’s so bad sometimes I just avoid sex altogether which makes it even worse when we finally do have sex. I know I sound like a serious brat but my god, I just wanna get f’ed. Feels good to this off my chest!

    • Hi Jillian
      You don’t sound like a brat – everyone has their sexual desires and needs, and if you’re not being satisfied, then it’s hard not to complain! Have you spoken openly about it? As you can see in the article, there are tons of things you can do to improve the situation. If he’s willing to go down on your after, then he clearly cares. So with the right wording, hopefully you can get him into “team mode” where you can enjoy experimenting with finding ways to last longer together.
      Ethan

  • Hello! So Me an my boyfriend been together for a year now, an he’s the most loving, caring, and thoughtful guy I’v ever been with, but OMG as soon as he enters me he gives me this look which indicates he has already Ejaculated. Its very very frustrating I get so upset but Ofcourse his response is “Its not my Fault You Got Some Good” an it just irritates me because I can’t get it out my head that when it comes to our sex life he’s very selfish.
    I want to have a talk with him but, I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
    Please any advice???

    • Hi Mya
      It’s understandably a tough situation, and not easy to balance saying what you need with not insulting him. As I said in the article, the key is to pick the right moment, stay calm and positive, non-critical and try to work with him on this. It’s important to make him feel like this is something you want to work on together, and that there are things that can be done to improve your satisfaction too. If he is as loving and thoughtful as you say, he probable knows it’s not great, but might not know what to do about it. So have some ideas at the ready, and discuss them with him.
      Ethan

    • Hi my boyfriend says the same, I love and dont want anyone else but he just doesnt want it as much as i do. Pills are dangerous and feel guilty when he takes them but he so much longer and the sex is out of this world. Im so not doing well i need and he wants beer.

  • I’ve really never done anything like this before. I like answers but mostly I like puzzles. I like to figure things out on my own, but for something like this I’m really annoyed. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. When we first started he was on a 2 year dry spell, whilst I just came out of a 4 year relationship. Sex in the beginning was fine. We would see each other a few times a week. Have sex multiple times and he would ejaculate in about 15-20 min each time. But now we have been living together and there are a few things that really tick me off.
    For starters he works 10-12 hours 4 days a week, but surprisingly that isn’t my problem. My problem is that he decides that before he goes to work he wants to flip my switch and “tease me” before he jets off to work. Leaving me aroused for hours. When he comes home he either drinks and watches tv until he gets tired (even after I try to areouse him) or we have sex for about a min or two and he cums. Leaving me sexually dissatisfied and highly annoyed. For example: just last night after 4 days of teasing me and going to bed he finally initiated having sexual activity. After about 30ish seconds I would say he finished. Me obviously being annoyed I got off of him, got quiet, cleaned myself off and went out side. He followed me to ask me if I was upset that he finished so quickly to which I said yes (instigated the arguement but claims I was the one with a problem.) then tells me that he would do oral on me to get me there or at least try to get it back up and try again. So after about 10 min I came back inside to try and have play time yet again & he said he was going to sleep. Me being obviously justifiably peeved I went to bed to find out that he stayed up for 3 more hours fueling my fire.
    I’m not sure how to fix this problem. I’m not sure what to do. I have a very high sex drive that is a craving that is not being satisfied and I love him. He’s a great guy, but he does not follow through and he finishes really quickly. So how in the world do I bring this up without making him feel like he’s doing something bad or without me sounding like a whining, selfish bitch?

    • Hi Kiana
      Sorry to hear you’re having this issue with your partner. First of all, I don’t think you’re being selfish here – on the contrary, I think he’s the one who’s not really paying enough attention to the sexual needs of both of you, and had like many guys probably just become a bit lazy and careless sexually.
      I think the best thing is to pick the right moment – when you’re together, feeling calm and relaxed – and tell him how you feel. Importantly, try to put a serious, but positive slant on it by saying you want to work on it together. Remind him how amazing the sex was when you first got together, and that you miss that. Picking the words is never easy in this situation, but I think the main thing is to try to be the calm one, and stay focused on the end goal. If you fight about it or criticize or blame, nothing will change. If you talk openly, but calmly, there’s a chance he’ll come on board and work with you to improve things.
      If he totally refuses or buries his head in the sand, then maybe get tough at a later date!
      Ethan

  • pls am aving dis little problem with ma guy it has been 4 years now since we dated we ave been living very happily without bt in team of sex issues i always complain abt he easily get tired and cannot even go for like 2-3 time in bed sumtime i dt filled ok when he will weak and tired so pls guide me and advice me maybe to leave de relationship or to continued de relationship dat the will be change,thanks lady A

    • Hi there
      I think the first thing to do is speak to him honestly about how you feel, but at the right moment. It’s not helpful to complain or criticize during or just after sex. Instead, find a moment when you’re both together, feeling calm and happy, and then talk about it sensitively. You can tell him you’d like to work together to try and find a way to make the sex last longer. If he is willing to do this, then there are lots of options to try listed in the article.
      Ethan

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