What To Do If Your Boyfriend Always Comes Too Quickly

It’s a dreaded feeling that I know only too well: the frustration of my boyfriend coming too fast when we have sex.

The worst thing is knowing that your sex life is suffering because of this one problem, but not being sure what to do about it.

You wish you could talk to him about it honestly, but you’re worried that he’ll take it badly, be upset or angry even.

And if you care about him, you probably don’t want to shatter his self-confidence or make him feel inadequate.

If this sounds all too familiar, this article will set you on the path to dealing with the problem as effectively and compassionately as possible.

First things first – are you talking about it yet?

If you’re already talking about the problem together, great; you’ve already taken the most important step. If that’s the case, you’re probably looking for practical ideas that will make your boyfriend last longer during sex.

If you’re reading this because it’s a problem which you’ve never spoken about, it’s a different scenario altogether. So at the end of the article there’s a section which should help you work out how to talk to him about it.

1) Desensitizing sprays

image of my promescent bottle

Desensitizing sprays are especially useful for men with premature ejaculation due to physical sensitivity. If your partner agrees to try one, you might see an immediate difference.

They contain a numbing agent which reduces his sensitivity – usually benzocaine or lidocaine. He can apply it shortly before having sex, wipe the remainder off so it doesn’t transfer to you, and then hopefully last longer.

There are many different desensitizing options available, so you might find our reviews of the best delay sprays helpful. And the one we’ve personally had most success with is Promescent.

2) Develop ejaculation control naturally

There are a range of effective techniques you can practice when making love to help your partner learn to control his arousal levels and ejaculation.

It can take some time to see good results, but it’s definitely worth trying. If you work together to improve his sexual stamina, this way has the potential to actually cure it rather than rely permanently on desensitizing products.

One technique you can get started on straight away is the start and stop method, which he can practice alone and/or with you. There are other techniques, such as the squeeze technique and kegels, but the start and stop is probably the easiest.

3) Work through a self-help book together

image of the ejaculation trainer ebookIf you’re interested in tackling premature ejaculation naturally through behavioral techniques, it can be useful to work through a self-help book.

Research into premature ejaculation has shown that men who used a self-help book improved their lasting time by several minutes, and that the effects continued months later.

You can either practice the techniques together during foreplay and sex, or leave it to him to read and learn what he needs to do to improve his stamina in bed.

Have a look at these premature ejaculation self-help books to find out more.

4) Benzocaine condoms

durex performax numbing condomsBenzocaine condoms, like the delay sprays, also contain a numbing agent. They sometimes cause problems with maintaining an erection, but can be very helpful for some guys.

If your partner doesn’t have a problem wearing condoms in general, they may help his level of control. You can find out more in our article looking at the pros and cons of benzocaine condoms.

5) Thicker than normal condoms

Most condoms can help reduce the physical sensitivity for guys, so even just wearing a normal condom could help him last longer than without one.

And if you want to go one step further, get him to wear an extra thick condom – especially if you’re not keen on the benzocaine idea.

The trade off is that it might reduce yours and his pleasure, so this is one you need to decide on together.

6) Pills

Doctors sometimes prescribe anti-depressants for premature ejaculation, and they have proven to be quite effective.

The problem is though that he would need to take them every day. Anti-depressants also come with side effects of their own, which is why even though they might work, I’m not a fan of the idea personally.

In many countries you can now get the faster acting pill, Dapoxetine. This is only taken each time before sex, but still carries the risk of some side effects.

7) Foreplay, and more of it

Many guys are guilty of rushing as quickly as possible into sex, with foreplay being forgotten as the months and years roll by. But if you can get him to agree to spend more time on this stage, it can make a big difference.

The idea is that you use foreplay to balance your arousal levels. Guys get turned on much quicker than women usually, so it’s great if you can have him spend more time focusing on you.

If he’s willing, get him to spend lots of time arousing you, so that when you finally have sex, he won’t need to last as long, since you’ll already be fully aroused from all that foreplay.

8) Use oral sex to your advantage

This can work in two ways: he could bring you to orgasm through oral and manual stimulation first; or bring you almost to the point and then have sex once you’re already very aroused. It’s up to you two to decide what will work best.

9) Choose your sex positions wisely

Some sex positions might make your boyfriend come too quickly, and others could help him last a little, or hopefully much, longer.

The best positions are those with you on top, or sideways positions like spoons. The worst positions are missionary and from behind on all fours or stood up.

The idea is that he needs to keep relaxed, so any position which involves him tensing his stomach, groin, thighs and lower back won’t help.

10) Get him to masturbate before, or have sex more than once

Your boyfriend is more likely to last longer the second time round. So think of ways you can make that work to your advantage.

It might be that all you need to do is tell him subtly, or not so subtly, to tend to himself some time in the day before you have sex.

And don’t allow your sex session to end the second he ejaculates. Keep on enjoying each other in other ways, and when he’s ready to go again, hopefully it will be for longer this time.

11) Use lubricant

image of a hand using lubricantIf your guy feels too much pressure on the head of his penis during penetration, it can make him come quicker. So if you’re not naturally well lubricated, get a good water-based lubricant to have at the ready.

And if he’s overly keen, and trying to get inside before you know you’re completely ready, tell him to slow down and work on your arousal a bit longer.

12) Remember to breathe

Breathing can play an important role. Remind him to slow down and take longer, deeper breaths if you hear him panting. On a wider note, try to help him keep relaxed during sex. If you feel him tensing up, relax him with some massaging movements or calming words.

13) Have sex more often

If you only have sex once or twice a week then the excitement is going to make it more difficult for him to control his ejaculation – especially if he doesn’t masturbate regularly.

Practice makes perfect, so even if you’re not always in the mood, getting in the habit of regular sex can stop him coming so fast.

14) Set the right pace

If you go straight into 5th gear from the start, your boyfriend might struggle to contain his arousal and excitement. So try to slow down, relax and enjoy a change in pace.

He may also find it helpful to sometimes stop doing such deep strokes, and just do smaller ones at the entrance to your vagina.

And if even that’s too much, he can withdraw completely and give you some oral while he recovers.

15) Work on any sexual performance anxiety

If your man feels anxious and stressed about pleasing you, both the physical and mental tension can affect his lasting time. If he feels less pressure, and that you’re happy and enjoying your sex life together, then it could help him last longer.

So even if he does climax early every time, making him feel that you still enjoy the physicality will help in the long run. If you think he struggles with anxiety, have a read of this longer article about sexual performance anxiety, and see if he’ll look at it too.

What to do if you haven’t told your partner it’s an issue

How severe is his premature ejaculation?

"there is a big difference between severe PE and lasting 5 minutes"When you say your boyfriend comes too quickly, it’s important to realize that there are different grades to the issue. Here are a few different scenarios:

  • He comes during foreplay, before you even start having penetrative sex.
  • He ejaculates very soon during sex, for example within a minute or two.
  • He lasts for a good few minutes – let’s say the average time of 5 minutes for a guy, but it’s not long enough for you to have an orgasm.
  • It’s a mix of all of the above at different times.

A modern definition of premature ejaculation is that he comes before either you or he want him to, regardless of how long the exact time is.

But there’s a big difference between a partner who always comes within a minute, and a partner who lasts 5 minutes or longer, but it’s still not long enough for you to reach orgasm.

The first is possibly a bigger problem, and may or may not be harder to deal with. The second you may be able to work on together relatively easily using behavioral techniques.

How do you tell your boyfriend he comes too quickly?

Complaining or making fun of him the next time your boyfriend orgasms too soon isn’t going to inspire him to take action.

But then neither is silence.

Only you really know your own relationship, your partner and yourself. There are no magic words which will fit every situation.

But one thing is for sure – talking to him about the problem is the key to instigating change.

The reasons why communication is important

First of all, let’s look at the reasons why communication is essential if you want your partner to last longer:

  • Most options for fixing the problem involve his agreement. If he doesn’t accept the situation and take some responsibility, the problem probably won’t go away on its own.
  • He may need to do some solo work to understand how his body works. Many techniques for developing control need him to take some time to himself to practice them.
  • There are some effective products which can help him last longer. But you can’t secretly attack his penis with a numbing spray; he needs to agree to use it.
  • Finally, anxiety can play a big role. And one of the best ways to reduce that is if your man feels he can communicate with you about sex. And that you’re working together as a team on the issue.

Picking the moment and having some ideas at the ready

talk to him about coming too quickly in a sensitive but honest wayIf you already have a good level of communication, things should be easier. If you never actually talk about sex, or intimacy, then now is the time to start, even if it feels a little uncomfortable at first.

Whatever the case, there may be no easy way of saying it that doesn’t hurt his feelings. But there are things you can do to limit his embarrassment:

  • Pick the right moment. Not just after another session where he comes too quickly, nor when either of you are stressed or busy. Find a moment when you’re both relaxed and enjoying each other’s company.
  • Have some ideas of what you can do to manage the problem. If you do decide to tell him outright that you want to do something to help him last longer, have some ideas at the ready. Don’t immediately flood him with them though. Wait and see if he’s willing to talk about it first.
  • Try to be constructive and talk in terms of seeing what you can do together to last longer. Don’t just tell him he has a problem and leave it at that.
  • Be honest about how you feel, but also tell him how much you love, like, fancy, respect or care for him. He may feel bad or relieved when you bring it up, but be sure to make him feel wanted.

It’s really up to you to work out how to talk to him, just remember to be non-critical. Try not to make him feel like a failure, and that you really enjoy being intimate with him.

It’s about making him feel wanted, and at the same time that you’re a team who can work together to have the best possible sex.

You might also like

There are lots of treatment options for premature ejaculation, so it’s worth reading Ethan’s reviews of different techniques and products.

I do recommend getting a good premature ejaculation guide as you’ll find lots of effective techniques in them.

And for some immediate help, a desensitizing spray is a great option. Again, take a look at Ethan’s review of the best delay sprays to learn more about them.

And if you’re still unsure which direction to go in, it might help to read our article explaining how to choose the right premature ejaculation treatment.

162 Comments

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  • Hi thank you so much for this article. I have had issues with my bf since the beginning and am growing desperate. We haven’t spoken much about it, as to be honest I didn’t really know if there was much that could be done because his problem is so severe. But after reading this, I am defo going to talk to him!

    • Hi Ruthie
      You’re welcome! Do talk to him – there’s lots you can do to tackle the issue, but it does require both of you to work on it together.
      Good luck!

  • Thank you for sharing these ideas. My bf always finishes way before me and it’s driving me crazy. i hope he’s willing to try some of these ideas.

    • Hi Tina
      You can only try. If he’s willing to work with you on some of these ideas, then there’s no reason you shouldn’t see some change.
      Ethan

  • This is really embarrassing after last night..i am 29yr old and I can’t even last 2mins despite using Vega pills..my girlfriend is on the verge of leaving me because of this..please what seem to be wrong with me or is it because I masturbate? please help me

    • Hi Mark
      First off, Vega pills are meant for erection problems, not premature ejaculation. Sure, sometimes they help some guys with that issue as well, but not always.
      Second, it’s probably not because you masturbate. I’d say continue masturbating, but try to make yourself do it slowly. You personal masturbation time is a great opportunity to learn to control yourself better.
      Third, there are lots of techniques on this site to help you last longer. You’re reading the article Karen wrote for women specifically, but the advice is still really useful for guys to follow.
      I’d also suggest that if your partner is on the verge of leaving you, you can either decide she’s not the one for you if she doesn’t love you enough to try to work with you on this problem. Or you can talk to her and tell her you want to do something about it, and want her help to try some new ideas and techniques in bed.
      Alternatively, try working as quick as you can on these techniques, or get yourself some desensitizing product to see if you can make a change before she has enough!
      Personally, I’d not put so much stress on yourself though. I’d talk to her, suggest trying new ideas together. And if she’s not open to communicating with you and working as a team, well…maybe she’s just not the one for you…
      Ethan

  • I started dating a guy recently and he’s amazing in every way! The only issue that I’m facing right now, is that he seems to have a difficult time getting hard and then when he does, he ejaculates almost as soon as he puts it in and then struggles to get it up again, so that I can try and orgasm.
    He’s open to talking, and he’s open to working on it, which is one of the reasons I think he’s so amazing!
    Before him and I met, he was single for about 11 years. I’m not really sure of his dating habits, but from what I gather, he didn’t do much of it (too busy with getting his degree, education was just way more important). This sounds a little mean or harsh when I say it out loud, but part of me wonders if he gets so excited, because I think In the looks department, I’m (according to societal standards) very much out of his league.
    Do you have any suggestions of what could help? I keep seeing to have him take care of himself more often, but is it possible that doing it too much can cause him to lose stamina?
    He’s open to suggestions and normally, I wouldn’t even deal with this with a guy, but I really feel differently about this one and want so badly to make it work.
    Thank you!!

    • Hi Nesloma
      Well, the main thing is that he’s open to talking about it, which is fantastic. That means that with a bit of trial and error, it shouldn’t be too difficult to find something that helps.
      Having erection problems followed by premature ejaculation is quite common, and kind of makes sense in an annoying way. Often when a guy struggles to get it up, he tries to flex the pelvic floor muscles to pump blood in. However, those same pumping muscles also lead to ejaculation. So it’s like the solution to one problem is the direct cause of the second problem. Perhaps tell him that for starters! If he’s pumping/flexing/contracting the muscles as the base of his penis, it’s great for getting an erection, but terrible for controlling the ejaculation.
      Instead, it’s better to try and relax and wait for the erection to come naturally, or find another way to help with the erection problem that doesn’t involve pumping. You can help with that by taking the pressure off him to get an erection in the first place. And that means changing the focus of sex from being all about penetration and being about the whole experience – enjoy lots of foreplay, manual and oral together over a longer period of time. Then he might just get an erection naturally at some random point. And if he doesn’t don’t make him feel bad about it – just enjoy the other stuff together.
      If he continues having problems with his lasting time, well just have a good look around this site – there are tons of ideas here. However, I’d avoid condoms or sprays as they can result in erection problems too.
      Hope that helps!
      Ethan

  • I love my boyfriend, I really do. When we met we were strictly “fun” and he could make me cum sometimes if I moved my legs into the right position. Sex usually lasts less than a minute, 3-5 if I’m lucky but that’s been months. He knows about his problem, he knows I don’t cum most of the time, and he cares enough to apologize and show it makes him sad but not enough to try new things.

    We are constantly having sex missionary, him lying directly on top of me, he won’t change it. On the rare occasion I get doggy he still is lying on my back, it’s missionary from behind basically.

    When I ride which is a total of 3 times in our 8 month relationship, he will last about 2 minutes and like the others, he tries to get me to lay on top.

    He can finger me for about 30 seconds and will give me oral even less. He’s so inexperienced compared to me that when I mention changing it up or things that I would like to help improve our sex life he immediately starts self deprecating. Oh I’ll never compare to your old sex buddies or doms, your past boyfriends were better and bigger.

    I just want him to at least show he tries but I am at a loss. If he won’t talk or try anything new what am I to do? I actually stopped having sex, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I explained why one night and he felt so awful, genuinely hurt. I’m about to do it again simply because at this point I feel like a hole to stick it in. Not his partner or girlfriend, just a convenient wet place.

    Is there another way to approach this? Am I missing something or just completely dim? Help me save my relationship, please!

    • Hi Michelle
      It’s hard to know what’s going on in his mind exactly, but it doesn’t seem like you’ve done anything wrong in trying to talk to him honestly about it.
      It’s one thing to feel bad about a problem, but another to man up and do something about it. Maybe the self-depreciating is just his defense mechanism, which could be a mix of both genuinely feeling bad about it and for whatever reason being unwilling to try other things.
      It’s unfortunate that he won’t put the effort into more foreplay or be willing to go along with your suggestions, and in some ways feels a bit lazy to me. Perhaps though it also makes him feel less of a man if he relinquishes control to you in bed.
      I think it’s important to talk to him again and tell him how you feel. Perhaps he needs a stronger wake up call that it’s affecting your relationship. Maybe you can try the classic technique of first telling him all the stuff you love about him, praising the good things and complimenting him on the physical things that he does well – even if you have to exaggerate them a bit – and then tackle the criticism.
      Ethan

  • How do I make my bf last longer? He cums fast in the positions that supposly are suppose to make him last long such as doggy style and me on top. He cums within minutes usually. The only position we can work with is missionary. He doesn’t like to give me oral. I don’t know what to do

    • Hi Amanda
      Actually doggy style is one of the worst positions for him to last longer! And even if you’re on top, you might need to adjust the movement – for example grind more than go up and down.
      I recommend having a look at my most recent article about sex positions for longer sex, and also try to put into practice the many other tips in this article.
      Ethan

  • My boyfriend and I have been together about a year and a half. When we started dating our sex was crazy, mind blowing even! We’ve moved in together and things are great between us, I really think he’s the one I’ll end up getting married too. Over the past few months our sex life has become kind of lame. As soon as he puts it in he cums a couple strokes after that. We’ve tried different positions and some help but it’s never more than 5 minutes. He tries to keep going after he cums and sometimes he’ll stay hard enough to last a few minutes more and other times he won’t. I’m starting to get really frustrated because I’d like to stop faking my orgasms and get back to the great sex we were having when we met. What could have made the sex change so drastically and how can we get back to that?

    • Hi Jolie
      That’s a tough question to give you a clear answer to I’m afraid. There could be lots of reasons. Has anything changed in the way you have sex as time’s gone by? Do you have sex less frequently now? Do you have longer foreplay when you do? Was alcohol involved before, condoms or other things that can dull the sensitivity? Do you think maybe he can’t masturbate while you live together, so is more charged when you have sex? Does he seem to put less effort in than before, or do you go harder and faster than you used to?
      These are some questions to ask, all of which could play a role…and it’s not limited to just these!
      Ethan

  • Hi. I’ve been with my bf for 6 years and he always cums in like a minute. He’s really sensitive about it so anytime I bring it up he’s always like I’m such a useless let down I know you’ll leave me one day and it honestly makes me mad because I’m just trying to work on it but he makes it impossible to talk about it with! I suggested slowing down and he says it’s annoying and doesn’t work. Great.

    • Hi there
      It sounds like a fairly standard response, and he’s maybe playing the ‘poor me’ card as a self-defense mechanism. Either that, or he is actually genuinely worried you’ll leave him on day.
      Maybe when he says it’s annoying, what he really means is that he just doesn’t know how to stop himself, and is a bit lost. Alternatively, it’s a bit selfish of him to refuse to slow down. I’m sure it’s annoying for you when he finishes so quickly! Perhaps you could tell him you’ve found a product that might help, and get a delay spray or even a desensitizing condom that you can find in many shops – if you don’t think he’ll be annoyed by that. Or send him a link to one of my articles to read – he might show annoyance, but I bet he’ll read it if he thinks the site is worthwhile checking out.
      Ethan

  • Hi wonder if there’s any advice still going. Been with my bf for 3 years now and he always ejaculates within a minute and blames it in poor stamina… we have good foreplay etc so it’s not always bad. I love him and would love to help him but today i found a fake vagina (male stroker) in his bedroom drawer and it’s definitely been used. Is this why he only lasting so long. I fear after doing research on it it’s tighter etc. We have 2 kids I’m scared he has went to this because there’s something wrong with me when all along I thought he was the problem

    • Hi Loo
      Definitely – I never close any of the comments here!
      First up, I personally wouldn’t be too upset he’s got a stroker. Many guys do, and even the ones that don’t probably masturbate even if they have a partner!
      Depending on why he has it, it could actually be a positive sign. Let me explain. If he knows he has problems lasting during sex, he may have started looking online for ways to deal with it. And if so, there’s a good chance he will have found sites like this one, in which I advise guys to get a stroker to practice stamina control techniques when alone.
      So if that’s the case, it means he’s trying to do something about it. Premature ejaculation can be a really embarrasing problem for guys, so it’s possible he just didn’t want to tell you about his attempts to improve it, especially if he feels awkward about the stroker.
      Another point to mention is that it shouldn’t be responsible for making him ejaculate quicker in principle. If he’s using it regularly, then it should help him last longer with you.
      Now, of course there’s the possibility that he just likes those things, in the same way many women have vibrators or dildos from before they meet their partner and continue to have one hidden away. Just because someone gets a new partner doesn’t mean they have to throw away all their solo sex toys!
      So my advice is not to get upset by this and not see it in a bad way. Instead, focus on the real problem, which is your sex life together. If you choose to tell him you found his toy is up to you, but if you do, I recommend doing it in a light-hearted way or you might find he closes down about it.
      The best thing to help him, if that’s what you want to do, is talk nicely and openly about your sex life. You can propose ideas, such as those in the article. Try to get into team mode and work on the problem together. Only together can you defeat the problem, unless of course he’s doing all the right things and using that stroker to develop his stamina in private. And in my opinion, if he is, that’s fantastic as you’ll benefit from the results.
      Ethan