This is my story of coping with premature ejaculation, and why I did nothing about it for so long. If it’s a problem you also have, I hope my story will help motivate you tackle it, as well as give you good advice on the best way to do so.
It might also provide some solace in knowing that you’re not the only guy who’s suffered the embarrassment and stress it brings. The article is quite long and personal, but if you can make it through you’ll learn a lot from how I learned to manage the problem.
Losing my virginity and self-respect
Although not all guys develop premature ejaculation because of years of rushed masturbation, I’m fairly sure it played a major role for me. It was even more of a taboo topic when I was younger, and so like many guys I would just do it as fast as possible without any thought.
But as well as that cause, I also think I was just a bit unlucky when losing my virginity. I was a late-starter by modern standards, losing it at 19, and it was with a friend of a friend I met in a nightclub.
After sharing some excited kisses in the club, we went back to my place after it closed to continue the fun we’d been having. By the time things really heated up, I was so excited from hours of close dancing, flirting and foreplay that I didn’t even make it to sex the first time we tried.
I’d never heard of the expression premature ejaculation, but I obviously realized it would have been good to last on the positive side of zero seconds.
I didn’t know it at the time, but my sexual confidence was essentially shattered in that one moment. Like many women, she kept any disappointment to herself and did a good job of making me feel like it was alright. But it clearly wasn’t.
Unfortunately for me (and her), the second time we tried wasn’t much better. And so I realized to my horror and embarrassment that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. What I didn’t realize was that this was the beginning of the dreaded sexual performance anxiety.
Just to make matters worse I now know that I have a physically sensitive penis. And so, looking back I now realize I was pretty much doomed anyway.
Over the next few weeks (she must have really liked me!) I discovered the true extent of the problem. Basically, if I went 24 hours or longer without sex, I wouldn’t last more than a minute – if we were lucky.
If we had sex repeatedly, I would get better each time, though rarely lasted longer than 5 minutes. And that depended on her being willing to go through the frustration of waiting for that better second, third or fourth time. And so over the months we gradually had sex less and less.
And the incredible thing is that we never once spoke about it.
To this day the only thing that I still find a little embarrassing is that for the next few years I didn’t speak to any partner about it, nor did I do anything about it. Not even when I was married.
Interestingly, no girlfriend ever tried hard to talk to me about it, apart from my ex-wife sometimes jokingly calling me a ‘bastard’ when I came too soon.
Admittedly we would sometimes talk about the fact that I often came too quickly, but never in the terms that it was a problem that needed fixing. In fact what happened is that we also had sex less and less often, to the point of almost never.
I then selfishly managed to conjure up the excuse that it was precisely because we didn’t have sex very often that I couldn’t handle it on the times that we did. Whilst technically true, the reality is that it’s not a chicken or the egg situation. It was my fault for not addressing it sooner.
It was only after I split up with my wife (premature ejaculation wasn’t the reason, so don’t panic if your story is similar!), that one day out of the blue I admitted to myself that I had a serious problem.
That day, and I remember it more clearly than losing my virginity, was both a terrible and great day. It was terrible because admitting that I had a problem also meant realizing that I should have done so many years before.
How many times had I left frustrated women screaming in silence in the dark? How many times had they joked or complained about me with their friends?
On the plus side, however, it meant I could see if the internet would provide some solutions. And it did.
First steps to dealing with it
For someone who spent years ignoring it, when I finally got round to dealing with premature ejaculation, I became very dedicated (as you probably guessed by the existence of this website).
The hardest part was admitting it was a problem. Everything else would simply be research and practical steps. Or so I hoped.
After reading a few vague articles in men’s health magazines I discovered a popular eBook called the Ejaculation Trainer (if you’re interested, you might find my Ejaculation Trainer review useful).
Reading that book basically gave me two things: hope and homework. The key, apparently, to curing premature ejaculation was practicing various techniques during masturbation and/or sex.
I found out though that it can take a while for these natural techniques to pay off fully. But in the meantime there were some tips I learned from the book which I could try out.
I tried putting together a bunch of the techniques the next time I had sex, and definitely saw improvements. But it was a bit hit or miss; once or twice I found I could suddenly last considerably longer, but an equal number of times I only lasted a little longer.
Trying out desensitizing products
Funnily enough it was one of the books suggesting that you don’t need desensitizing products that first alerted me to their existence. Don’t you just love it when that happens? At the time I was starting to realise that I had a sensitive penis, so thought it would be worth trying.
I first tried out the benzocaine condoms, but found them annoying to use. I also tried Priligy, but that didn’t make much difference, and didn’t agree with me either.
I then tried several different desensitizing sprays and creams. I kept finding problems with those as well though, and was growing more and more frustrated that I couldn’t find anything that worked.
After lots of trial and error I eventually discovered an effective delay spray called Promescent (again, if you’d like to know more, you can check out my promescent review)
This was the first time I found something which really worked. It was still only a temporary measure, but a damn good one and nothing short of a miracle in my eyes at the time.
So now I had something which would instantly help me to last 10 to 20 minutes. It was time to really focus my attention on the natural techniques to see if I could cure the problem once and for all.
The natural techniques
I spent a couple of months without a partner and put my mind to cracking the natural techniques. I practiced the techniques in the book almost every day, along with learning to understand and control my arousal levels.
I think it was around 2 months before I had sex again and got to put my hard work to the test. Trying not to feel anxious was difficult, but definitely important.
I’d done some research about the anxiety side of things, and had also prepared myself to deal with that. And the result was that all my efforts had indeed helped.
The first time wasn’t a very reliable test because I was a bit drunk – probably a good re-introduction as alcohol does tend to help me! But when having sex the next day I found I was still able to last considerably longer than before.
The ironic thing is that I’d come to the conclusion that talking about it would reduce the anxiety, and so help me last longer. So when the woman I was with gazed into my eyes and said “trust me, you don’t have a problem”, it was an awesome moment.
I was absolutely over the moon with delight. Could I finally say that I no longer had a problem, and had beaten premature ejaculation?
The on-going situation
What I’ve now come to realize is that for the natural techniques to work long-term – at least for me – I do need to stay conscious of them when I have sex.
If I get lazy and become complacent then my lasting time starts will slowly start to drop back down again. Especially when I’ve been single and not focused on my arousal when alone for a few months.
If I abandon everything I’ve learned about arousal control, breathing, stopping when necessary and many other important techniques and just go for it, it’s amazing how much sooner I’ll finish.
The other problem is that I’ve still got a sensitive penis, and it probably always will be. I think because of that I still have difficulties in some circumstances – mainly when I’m with a new partner after being single for a while.
That’s definitely the most difficult time to make all the natural techniques work. So when you’ve been single for a while and had problems with premature ejaculation in the past, I think it’s important to have realistic expectations of what you can do with a new partner.
For guys who are either playing the field, or just unlucky in love, then a desensitizing product is probably a good thing to have to hand as well.
My advice for you
If you’ve only just had that horrible dawning realization that you don’t last long enough during sex, then the single most important thing I think you can do is to stay focused on dealing with it.
Make the effort to find what works for you. And if you do decide to give the natural path a go, then don’t give up too soon.
As with so many things in life, accepting that you have a problem is the hardest part. From here on in it might be a case of trial and error, and probably time unless you’re going to pay for desensitizing products for your whole life.
For someone who studied Psychology and was working in mental health, I still can’t believe it took me so many years to man up, accept some responsibility and deal with my premature ejaculation problem.
3 Years on
I originally wrote this article in 2013, and 3 years later I’m happy to say that things are even better. Over time I’m pretty sure I’ve developed a finely-tuned understanding of my arousal levels, and all the signs that I’m over-heating, so to speak.
I’m now able to control myself to the extent that I would no longer say I suffer from premature ejaculation. I can last at least 10 minutes every time, sometimes much longer.
If I don’t use a condom and feel particularly aroused, sure my time can drop back down. But I’ve now become more confident in taking control of my sex life, and do all the right things to keep my arousal in check.
So my advice to you is to get started learning how to control your arousal as soon as possible. It can be done, even if physical sensitivity is an issue!
Leave a comment below if my story struck a cord with you. Does any of it sound similar to what you’ve experienced? Is there anything you’ll do differently as a result of reading this article?