How I Dealt With My Premature Ejaculation Problem

This is my story of coping with premature ejaculation, and why I did nothing about it for so long. If it’s a problem you also have, hopefully you’ll find it a useful motivator to deal with it, along with helpful advice about what you can do.

It might also provide some solace in knowing that you’re not the only guy who’s suffered the embarrassment and frustration that it brings.

Losing my virginity and confidence

Although not all guys develop premature ejaculation because of rushed masturbation, I’m fairly sure it was a major cause for me. Like many guys I would just do it as fast as possible to avoid being caught.

I also think I was just a bit unlucky when losing my virginity. I was a late starter by modern standards, losing it at 19, and it was with a friend of a friend I met in a nightclub.

After sharing some excited kisses in the club, we went back to my place in the early hours of the morning to continue the fun. By the time things really heated up, I was so excited from hours of close dancing, flirting and foreplay that I didn’t even make it to sex the first time we tried.

I’d never even heard of premature ejaculation, but I obviously realized it would have been good to last on the positive side of zero seconds.

I didn’t know it at the time, but my confidence in my sexual ability took a huge hit in that moment. Like most women, she kept any disappointment to herself and did a good job of making me feel like it was alright.

Unfortunately, the second time we tried wasn’t much better. And so it slowly dawned on me that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.

Just to make matters worse, I now know that I naturally have a physically sensitive penis. So in hindsight, I was probably always going to have problems with my stamina in bed, no matter how much anxiety might have also played a role following those first awkward moments.

The silence

Over the next few weeks I discovered the true extent of the problem; if I went 24 hours or longer without sex, I wouldn’t last more than a minute – if we were lucky.

If we had sex several times a day, I would get better each time, though rarely lasting longer than 5 minutes. And that depended on her being willing to wait for that better second, third or fourth time.

And since I didn’t know anything at the time about the concept of sex not being only about penetration and orgasm, over the months we gradually had sex less and less.

And the incredible thing is that we never once spoke about it.

To this day, the only thing that I still find a little embarrassing is that for the next few years I didn’t speak to any partner about it, nor did I do anything about it – not even when I was married.

Interestingly, no girlfriend ever tried hard to talk to me about it either, apart from my ex-wife sometimes jokingly insulting me when I came too soon.

Admittedly, we would sometimes talk about the fact that I often came too quickly, but never in the terms that it was a problem that needed fixing. In fact, what happened is that we also had sex less and less often, to the point of almost never.

The excuses

I selfishly managed to conjure up the excuse that it was precisely because we didn’t have sex very often that I couldn’t handle it on the times that we did. While technically true, the reality is that it’s not a chicken or the egg situation. It was my fault for not addressing it sooner.

It was only after I split up with my wife (my premature ejaculation wasn’t the reason!), that one day out of the blue I admitted to myself that I had a problem.

Admitting that it was problem came with mixed feelings. I felt bad that I hadn’t done anything about it sooner and more than a little bit embarrassed as I reflected on all the early finishes.

How many times had I left my ex-partners screaming in silence? How many friends had they complained about me to?

And at the same time, I was kind of excited by the idea of trying to fix the problem, wondering what kind of lover I might be if I could just deal with this one major issue.

First steps to dealing with it

For someone who spent years ignoring it, when I finally got round to dealing with my premature ejaculation, I became very dedicated – the fact that I started this website speaks for itself!

The hardest part was admitting it was a problem; everything else would simply be research and practical steps – or so I hoped.

After reading a few vague articles in men’s health websites, I discovered a self-help eBook called the Ejaculation Trainer.

Reading that book gave me two things: some hope and a lot of work to do. The key, apparently, to curing premature ejaculation was to practice the right techniques during masturbation and/or sex.

I found out though that it can take a while for these natural techniques to pay off fully. But in the meantime there were some tips I learned from the book which I could try out.

I tried putting together as many of the techniques as I could remember the next few times I had sex, and did see some improvements, but it was a bit hit or miss. Once or twice I found I could last a fair bit longer, but an equal number of times I only lasted a little longer.

(You can find out more about that book in my Ejaculation Trainer review)

Trying out desensitizing products

Since I suspected that I had a particularly sensitive penis, I thought it would be worth trying one of the desensitizing products that I kept reading about online.

I first tried different kinds of benzocaine and extra thick condoms, but found them a bit too uncomfortable to use. I also tried priligy, but it didn’t make enough of a difference for me to be willing to put up with the side effects.

I then tried several different desensitizing sprays and creams. Like the condoms, they were numbing me too much though, leaving me frustrated that nothing seemed to help much.

After a lot of trial and error I eventually discovered a delay spray called Promescent. This was the first time I found something which really worked.

It was still only a temporary measure, but seemed to be a very effective one that reliably helped me last longer every time (more about that in my Promescent review).

So now I had something which would help me to last around 10 minutes on average instead of just 1-5 minutes. It was time to really focus my attention on the natural techniques to see if I could cure the problem once and for all.

The natural techniques

When I started learning about the natural techniques I was single, so I had plenty of time to work through the book and understand what needed to be done.

I practiced the techniques in the book almost every day, slowly but surely learning to understand and control my arousal levels.

It was around 2 months that I had sex again, and finally had a chance to test the techniques for real. And the result was that my efforts had indeed helped.

The first time wasn’t a very reliable test because I was a bit drunk – probably a good reintroduction as alcohol does tend to help me! But when having sex the next day I still found I was able to last considerably longer than before.

The funny thing is that I’d come to the conclusion that talking about it would help reduce my anxiety. So when the woman I was with looked into my eyes and simply said ‘trust me, you don’t have a problem’, it was a pretty special moment.

Could I finally say that I no longer had a problem, and had beaten PE in just a couple of months?

The ongoing situation

What I’ve now come to realize is that for the natural techniques to work long-term – at least for me – I do need to stay conscious of them when I have sex.

If I get lazy and become complacent, my lasting time will slowly start to drop back down again. Especially if I’ve been single for a while and not continued working on the techniques on my own.

And if I abandon everything I’ve learned about arousal control, breathing, stopping when necessary and many other important techniques and just go for it, it’s amazing how much sooner I’ll finish during sex.

The other problem is that I’ve still got a sensitive penis, and maybe it always will be. I think because of that I still have difficulties in some circumstances – mainly when I’m with a new partner after being single for a while.

Having said that, I think most guys have trouble controlling the intense levels of arousal the first few times with someone new. So when you’ve been single for an extended period, I think it’s important to have realistic expectations of what you can do.

So in some ways, it’s probably good to have a desensitizing product as a back-up plan as well.

My advice for you

If you’ve just started looking into premature ejaculation treatment, the most important thing I think you can do is to stay focused on finding the right solution for you personally. And if you do decide to give the natural techniques a go, don’t give up too soon.

As with so many things in life, accepting that you have a problem is the hardest part. After that, it might be a case of trial and error, and probably some time investment unless you’re willing to keep paying for desensitizing products.

For someone who studied Psychology and was working in mental health, I still can’t believe it took me so many years to finally face such an obviously important problem. Don’t make the same mistake!

3 years later

I originally wrote this article in 2013, and 3 years later I’m happy to say that things are even better. I finally feel like I’ve developed a solid understanding of my arousal levels and have good control during sex.

I’m now able to control myself to the extent that I would no longer say I suffer from premature ejaculation; I can usually last at least 10 minutes, and sometimes much longer.

If I don’t use a condom and feel particularly aroused, my time can still drop back down. But I’ve now become more confident in taking control of my sex life, and do all the right things to keep my arousal in check.

So my advice to you is to get started learning how to control your arousal as soon as possible. It can be done, even if physical sensitivity is an issue.

4 years later

In recent months, I’ve been experimenting a lot with the concept of satisfying my partner in other ways when we make love. We both enjoy oral sex, and so I’ve been playing around with 3 different ideas – with a lot of success.

The first is to bring her to orgasm through oral before we even have sex. This takes all the pressure off me, satisfies her and ensures I’m still full of excitement during the whole experience.

The second is to take full control and tease her for a long time, starting and stopping oral sex repeatedly and teasing her whole body. She then tends to orgasm faster when I eventually move on to penetrative sex.

And the third is to have sex normally, and if she doesn’t orgasm, simply switch to oral sex to finish her off.

All 3 ideas have improved our love life a lot, and it’s good for both of us to have that variety. She never knows what my plan is exactly, and that helps keep things fresh too.

And in the meantime, my control just gets better and better. The combination of practice, confidence and still working on this website and so keeping up with the latest ideas about premature ejaculation are probably why.

You might also like

If you’re looking for help with premature ejaculation, you’ll find a wealth of articles, reviews and tips on this site.

I’ve written a lot about my experiences, and tests of different treatment options. So I particularly recommend reading my article about choosing a premature ejaculation treatment.

And if you’d like some more options of desensitizing products, have a look at my review of delay sprays.

Finally, if you’d like to try and tackle the problem naturally, a great way to do that is to try one of my recommended recommended sexual stamina guides.

76 Comments

    Leave a comment

    Your email address will not be published.

  • Really helpful article, thanks. I have a very similar story to you. Taken me a long time time really ‘get’ what’s been going on. But now I’m going to do something about it hopefully. Your story has given me hope that I can sort it out. Shane

    • Hi Shane
      I’m glad to hear the article was helpful. I’m sure you’ll be able to deal with your PE too, so keep trying different techniques and stick with it!
      Ethan

  • I’ve suffered from this my entire life until I started taking anti depressants, (Paxil, Symbolta ,Zoloft.) They make me last almost too long!! It is a great feeling knowing that I’m pleasing my partner even though she’s finished and wants me to come!!

    • Hi Brian
      Thanks for sharing your experience. I haven’t heard from many guys who take anti depressants for PE, so it’s useful to know it does work for some.
      Ethan

  • honestly PE has rubbished me so badly. Pls from your own experience, do advice me to use tramadol or better look for natural techniques.My wife has told me to my face that it’s either I provide her with a partner to satisfy her or she finds for herself. And how can I share my wedded love with another? But my most fear is the tendency of losing her because she’s the source of living good.

    • Hi Kenneth
      Sorry to hear you’re having trouble with your partner because of this. I can understand your worry – it must be painful to think you’ll lose her if you don’t solve this problem. To be honest, I usually don’t recommend Tramadol because it’s a strong medication and I’m not a doctor. So I don’t feel it’s right to tell people if they should or shouldn’t use it. All I can say is that in my experience it does work.
      My advice would be to try different techniques to improve your stamina. The natural techniques can be very helpful, but they take time to master. So if you’re in a desperate situation, I think maybe you need something that helps now, and then work on the natural techniques too. So for example, wear a condom and use a delay spray. That double combination of desensitizing can make a big difference! Also, take a good look around this site and my other articles about PE. You’ll find a huge amount of advice here.
      Ethan

  • Ethan, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m going through a similar process at the moment of trying to deal with the issue time is causing in my relationship. Your success has given me some hope that I can fix it.
    Mark

    • Hi Mark
      You’re welcome, and I’m happy to hear you’ve found some hope here. I’m sure you’ll be able to tackle it successfully if you put your mind to it.
      Ethan

  • Hi,many thanks for very useful website. a lot of practical tips compared to “ejaculation trainer” which i found more theoretical. Would you mind to share what was your routine when you learned natural way? As I get it you practiced kegels/reverse kegels and stop-start. Would it be useful to practice stop-start with stamina training unit? Have you done any specific exercises for arousal control? And one more question if possible – are you doing any exercises now to maintain your gains?
    Sorry for lots of questions and thank you for your work and great inspiration what you are giving!

    • Hi A
      I’m very happy to hear you found the website helpful and inspiring – thanks for saying so!
      So to answer your question, I started off just doing the stop-start on its own. I can’t remember how long after, but I did then get the stamina training unit and found it very helpful because I was single for a while. In hindsight I think it kept me in shape in terms of being used to serious stimulation and friction. It also gave me confidence for when I got a new parter, knowing that I’d been practicing for a while, so didn’t feel so worried about how I’d cope with the sudden jump from normal masturbation to vaginal sex.

      And yes, I did a lot of arousal control exercises, but mainly conceptual stuff like looking out for, studying and learning how my body operates during sexual stimulation. Then combining that knowledge with the stop-start and kegels and slowly but surely gaining a better understanding of when I needed to slow down, change position, relax etc etc.

      Nowadays I don’t do specific exercises on a regular basis as I currently live with my girlfriend. However, I still pay a lot of attention to my arousal levels during sex, paying attention to key things like my breathing, relaxation of the pelvic floor muscles and the position and speed of sex.
      And a trick that works like magic for me is to simply pull out when I’m really getting to the point where I’m just too aroused to keep stopping and starting for a meaningful amount of time, and give my partner oral sex for a while. She loves it, even if she complains at first when I pull out, and I get a proper cooling off period. Sometimes I’ll then go back and forth between sex and oral, which drives her crazy, and sometimes I’ll finish her off randomly, then allow myself to finish feeling good about the fact that we both came.

      It depends on how happy you are to switch between oral and penetration of course, but if you don’t mind, it’s an awesome way to keep things going for ages and give both of you an orgasm. The only catch is being able to maintain the erection even when you’re not inside. So if you have erection difficulties, it’s better to just stop once and finish her off, or do it at the start and then have sex.
      Ethan

  • Pheeeww……………
    Feel kind of relieved after going through your story, coz at some point, the PE problem feels like a curse on me. As in, research indicates its a sexual dysfunction experienced by atleast 20% of men, but then, why the hell do i find myself among that percentage.
    There are many lines of your story that contrast with mine, though you don’t mention your age coz am only 24 and am worried when i will put an end to this problem that has completed ruined my love life.
    Unfortunately for me, am from Africa and most of the remedies talked about on internet can hardly be found on market here in Africa.
    Nevertheless, i have tried the antidepressants (fluoxetine in particular), some supplements, and even the desensitizing condoms, spending pretty some figures of money on all that and none could even grant me a slight improvement.
    I was almost getting to a conclusion that my PE is so severe that it’s beyond treatment, coz honestly speaking, i have never lasted beyond 1 minute, most times i thrust in and out like ten times and find that i have already released even without my notice.
    Apparently, i had resorted to one solution, that’s avoiding engaging in sex, which is pretty hard to cope up with but then better off than spending huge chunks of money paying doctors to prescribe for drugs that won’t give any help.

    • Hi Geofrey
      Sorry to hear you’ve had such a difficult time because of this, and have spent money on things that don’t work. It’s not wasted money though, because at least you can narrow down your search for something that will actually help. In the absense of a one-cure-for-all solution, sometimes it just takes time to do some trial and error. It’s of course a pain that it can cost money, but ultimately, it’s money well spent if you do find the right treatment some time.
      Perhaps if those things haven’t helped, you might benefit from trying some behavioral techniques instead of desensitizing or medication. Have a look at the long article I wrote about lasting longer in bed, as I try to cover lots of different techniques there. I recommend putting as many of them into action as possible and see if that helps. You can even practise many of them while masturbating, which will give you a chance to see if you’re actually getting any better at control.
      And very importantly, I’d say don’t give up! Don’t avoid sex, just try to see it as a serious life challenge to face, tackle and overcome.
      Ethan

  • I can understand, such condition results in demotivate and lose in
    self confidence. But its always good to consult a sexpert and not to
    suffer in silence.

  • Hi Ethan,

    I’m thinking of giving the Ejaculation Trainer a try but I have a question. I’m 18, but since I was around 12 I used to masturbate constantly & everytime I would rush it so fast & when I got to around 13-14 I would go so fast that I can finish under 15 seconds masturbating! As you can I trained myself into cumming fast badly! I’m wondering with the right practice and techniques and dedication, how long would it take me to retrain my body/brain & overcoming premature ejaculation? weeks? Months?

    • Hi there
      It sounds like you did what so many guys do, but don’t worry – it can definitely be reversed. Your question is slightly tricky to answer, because really it depends on a range of factors such as the person, how bad the problem is, the time and effort you put into it and how well you understand the concepts and techniques for example. However, I think that all guys should notice a difference within a couple of weeks, and after a month or two be making good progress. After that, it’s just a matter of what your ultimate goal is and how long you’re willing to keep practicing the techniques for. I also think that in some cases, the knowledge itself of what to do can make an instant difference to your lasting time. It really depends on how open you are to what you learn and how good you are at just deciding to change the way you do things. So I’d say give the guide a go, don’t expect miracles, but you will definitely see progress sooner rather than later.
      Ethan

  • Your article is really inspiring…thanks. I have several issues with me and I will like to share them with you.
    1. I get aroused and even an erection during foreplay but I notice that the hardness sometimes reduce when I penetrate.
    2. I don’t last up to a minute after which I go soft.
    3. It takes up to 5mins or more before my next erection.
    4. Have tried the stop and start method many times and it’s like I just can’t control it. I even try to masturbate before sex but it’s still the same timing. Honestly speaking, I no longer go into relationships.
    5. The worse part is my 2nd, 3rd and 4th round doesn’t reach 2mins, that’s even if she’s patient enough. I wish I can get a permanent solution to this problem because have lost many relationships and even my confidence due to this problem. Please I need help…thanks.

    • Hi Oluwafemi
      I’m glad you found the article helpful! Let’s see if I can answer your questions and concerns.

      1. This is quite common. Sometimes it’s because you need to find a different position where you feel more stimulated. But as long as you’re still reasonably erect, it’s ok that it’s not 100% all the time.

      2. In this case, you need to try some new things to improve your stamina. I know in point 4 you say you tried the start and stop method. Have you tried other techniques, such as using a desensitizing spray or a condom? If you have erection problems sometimes, to be honest you might also have some difficulty with sprays. However, it’s at least worth trying.

      3. 5 mins is actually a very fast recovery time! So you have nothing to worry about there at all.

      4. I would say still keep practising the technique. Get a fake vagina and use that to practise. Maybe you need to read more about the technique, and how to understand your arousal levels. My advice is to do more research and keep practising. As for relationships, I know this happens to many guys. But don’t be afraid to start something with someone you like!

      5. I understand. It’s not easy, but I think it’s important to recognise that you’ve done the most difficult thing – accepting that you have a problem. And because you seem willing to work on it, try to see that as a positive thing. Life is full of challenges, and if you can see your sexual stamina as a challenge rather than a confidence-killer, then you’ll have a better chance of tackling it.

      Stay positive, keep trying to work on it with different techniques and eventually you’ll improve!

      Ethan

  • Hey Ethan,

    If all goes well, I’m getting married after 7 months or so. I’m from a conservative background, so I never had sex. However, I have really rushed orgasms when I masturbate, so I’m suspecting I have a PE problem. I’ve recently started looking into the issue, and your site has been an amazing resource. I’m super serious about getting the problem fixed (to the best of my abilities) in the coming months before marriage. I’m maintaining a notebook and everything to properly understand all the relevant techniques and such you’ve written about. For someone who’s just recently discovered the problem, would you be willing to give me any pointers or advice? Thanks again!

    • Hi Hasan
      It’s great to hear you’ve found the website so useful! To be honest, I think 7 months is enough time to train yourself to last longer when masturbating. My advice would be to just practise the start and stop technique a lot, preferably with a fake vagina, or at least with lubricant. You can add all the other techniques you’ve read about too, but for me that’s the best one. If you have the money, perhaps get one o the guides I recommend too as they contain lots of in-depth information and tips. Otherwise, just keep practising at home!
      All the best with the wedding when it arrives!
      Ethan

    • Hi DJ Maho
      They can certainly cause discomfort and numbing in the same way they can to a guy if too much is used. That’s why it’s important to wait until they start working, then wash the residue off before having sex.
      Ethan

    • Hi Jack
      It’s impossible to say. I don’t think age necessarily has that big an impact. Many guys don’t lose their virginity until their 20s or 30s. Some have PE, some don’t. Some do to start with, then improve rapidly. So my advice would be not to worry about it until you have sex and it happens – because it might not!
      Ethan

  • I think it’s awesome you wrote this. Good for you and I’m glad things have improved. I personally love a good pounding but I bet you’d love to give a good pounding. It’s so much fun. I hope you’re able to now. Here’s the thing. I don’t have a problem with a man who comes quickly. If my anatomy was built in such a way that it was surrounded by the a thing that causes orgasams the entire time I was having sex, I know I’d be a preemie. I’ve orgasmed in less than a minute with a vibrator. So I really feel for you guys. I understand. What I have a problem with is you thinking sex is over because YOU’RE done. Excuse me buddy, this was a team effort just a second ago. What the hell happened? And man, am I a team player. Even when I’m sick. Maybe I have a ‘women’s situation’ going on and my lower regions out if commission. I’ve still got a mouth and hands. I’m right there on the field, working hard and aiming to win. Why not help your partner out, even when YOU’RE done? Don’t worry so much about premature ejaculation, worry about making your partner happy.

    • Hi Peetree
      Thanks for your comment and supportive words! It’s always good to hear from a woman who’s read the article and enjoyed it. It’s also useful for readers to read women’s views on the topic. I totally agree that it’s a problem if a guy declares game over after he finishes – especially if he finishes quickly. There’s so much more to sex that just penetration, so it’s a guy’s responsibility to ensure the whole team is looked after!
      Ethan